Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[mustafa]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

And a strange one : since 2-3 weeks, I woke up during many nights with an irrepressible need to laugh, and I can't stop laughing during 10-15 minutes before it calms down.

Erell, iam so happy u have wonderful improvements and I know u are struggling too but good to have inprovements to feel motivated .

For the quoted symptomts for u, I suffered it alot, alot, alot,.....,etc; I know it is bothering, I remember some days when I was very depressed and despite that, iam laughing, what!!!!!!?, how come!!!? But of course I knew later they are symptomts so, all those are symptomts for the drugs, nothing more.

I read your words about doctors, foolish doctors; in our culture we say, what happend to you, weren't to miss u and that means you would have been suffering like know even if you havent visited psychiatrists at all erell( I hope u understand my words ).

Hope more improvements for u and more and more from gentler days.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better, Erell.

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell, have been a bit wrapped up in work, but am letting that go a bit now. Thought I'd drop by and see how you are and am DELIGHTED to read you are seeing some improvements.

Also, the thing about the uncontrollable laughing; I've also had that! It's so weird! I felt a bit like the evil villain in a film....it was kind of 'mwahahahahahaha' for ages!

Anyway, sending good wishes and I know that you're going to see continued healing, now. You're on the right path. xxx

[Cigale]

On 10/7/2020 at 2:55 PM, Erell said:

definitely improving and doing better (and sometimes giggling stupidly under my blanket) ☀️

 

Salut @Erell - It is so good to hear that you are doing better my friend. Though it must feel so strange, laughter is supposed to very healing. I hope you continue to improve and have the chance to enjoy the beautiful fall colors. I bet it is lovely in Brittany this time of year. Bisous, Cigale

[Erell]

Thank you dears : I always feel blessed when I come here and read your nice support ❤

Especially when I don't spend time on others threads. 

 

You made me laugh @mustafa and @sunnysideup69 : what a strange symptom! Thank you for sharing with me : it always help to know you're not the only one laughing stupidly under yout blanket

 

And Alto, your generosity 💞

 

Well, I might have spoken a bit too soon in my last post : periods came on Sunday 11 Oct and I'm struggling to cope since. 

Last week was made of improvements, I even managed to go to the hairdresser and wait there during 1hour, took initiatives in the house, read books feeling calm, took a nap without anxiety surge ...!

Which seems weird as I was in PMS.

So this time, worst of my cycle is during periods : I'm currently back in terror, feeling shaky, agitated, crying spells, very dizzy, intrusive thoughts and harm impulses, strong body aches, debilitating agoraphobia ...and the list goes on.

Ups and downs eh ? 

 

This is brutal after feeling better : waves and windows. I'm waiting and hoping for relief once oestrogene will go up 😉

Dealing with the usual what ifs and working on ignoring them...at least trying to ignore the "I'll never feel better".

 

 

I wanted to share a few things :

 

---》 I see in my daily notes that last weeks I've regularly had a harder spike of chemical anxiety in the evening.

I wonder if it is a sign of something, or not.

I can't connect it with peak plasma as it sometimes happen around 8pm, sometimes 9pm, or 10pm.

But it happens almost every evening.

Any thoughts  ?

 

---》 Second thing I wanted to share is an anecdote : it seems that my first reaction to Paroxetine when I was a teenager was an adverse reaction !

I don't really remember it, but my parents told me that the first pills made me extremely agitated and gave me terror. The doctor added a large dose of benzo to counteract the reaction, saying it was a "normal reaction to AD's".

So my drug history started with an adverse reaction...!

Well to be honest I don't really know what to do with this info, but I needed to share because for some reason it disturbs me.

Or I could see this as a positive story : I had forgot it, so yes, our minds can definitely forget the sufferings with time, and that's a great news !

(Please, no blaming on my parents : they have made a mistake, and are now willing to learn and support. We are all learning).

 

Well, I'm having a hard time to cope but I do hope I'll come back here soon with another positive update !

 

Sending lot of love ❤

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Erell

[Cigale]

You continue to be my hero @Erell! Despite your challenges, you still always find the positives. Even in that early adverse reaction - which makes me angry with the doctor - you can see an upside. You are so strong and your heart is so open and generous! I am sending healing hugs 🤗 for this wave to pass!

[Mimi79]

Hi dear Erell!

I’m so sorry that you are feeling worst after such good days. I’m sure you will feel better soon.

 
This strange pattern is very common for me since I’m in withdrawal. The worst part of my menstrual cycle is the week right after the beginning of my period. Most of the time this is when my waves start. I rarely have PMS. And I’ve noticed something else since the last few months. When I’m late for my period to start (long cycle), my symptoms during the next wave are far worst than ever!

Usually, I start to feel better just before my ovulation and I’m okay until the beginning of my next period. Almost always this pattern since the last 12 months. 

 

Remember that you were feeling better in the last weeks. You will come back to this state soon, I’m pretty confident about it.

 

Prends soin de toi, ma chère! 

 

Big hugs from Montréal!!

Mimi

[Hanna72]

Dear @Erell

Dropping by to let you know that I am so proud of you. You are so strong and your personality of kindness is spread through out this community. You should be so proud of yourself, the resilience you have is with out a doubt a characteristic that will get you to your destination. 
 

“mastering others is strength 

mastering yourself is true power”

                Lao Tzu

Hang in there, it will get better my friend. Hugs 💖

[Erell]

Wow, your hugs are delicious, thank you ! ❤️

How blessed we are to have this place to support each other ! ☀️

 

Guys, I thought I would come here to share a bit as I'm stuck between two contradictory voices in my head and feel the need of 'objective' and external points of view before possibly making a mistake because of a surge to "do something".

Of course, I know that nobody can tell me what to do or give me any certainty. It's just that sometimes when our thoughts are hijacked, we don't really know anymore what is real or not.

 

So here is the thing : I'm holding 7mg Fluoxetine since 2 months now and 1mg Diazepam since 49 days.

These two months have been really hard but I've seen some improvments, sometimes subtle, but still, improvements.

Periods came from Sunday 11 October to Thursday 15 October, and symptoms ramped up back to extreme levels since Saturday 10.

Days have been particularly hard, in terms of terror/agitation but also intrusive thoughts-impulses : I try to cope my best but the intensity is brutal and the strong selfharm impulses too ( i'm sad to notice that I've bite my arms several times again because it was too much).

 

So this morning I felt a strong need to "do something" to feel a bit better : wanted to make a 3% drop of my Fluoxetine dose, but resisted and took my usual 7mg Fluoxetine.

 

I'm having issues to make a decision between two voices : 

 

VOICE 1 : I take too much Fluoxetine and need to drop it : 

-  Some symptoms I'm currently experiencing appeared this summer while I was probably taking too much Fluoxetine (agitation, need to move, mental need to escape, violent intrusive thoughts-impulses)

- When I look at my daily notes, I have harder spikes of anxiety/shakiness almost every evenings last weeks, and it didn't change when moving Diazepam dose later, so might be related to Fluoxetine.

- I saw improvement because Fluoxetine level was slowly leaching away after too high a dose in August but my body is still saying it's too much.

- Altostrata kindly suggested : 

 

On 9/19/2020 at 8:00 PM, Altostrata said:

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

On 9/19/2020 at 4:18 AM, Altostrata said:

Then, depending on what happens, you might reduce the fluoxetine a bit.

 

As I saw some improvements then, I decided to hold in order to give a chance to my CNS to stabilise on 7mg Fluoxetine.

 

 

VOICE 2 : As hard as it is, this is just a wave and best is to hold everything : 

- I saw improvements before periods came. I'm probably just panicking, it's only been a week.

- My symptoms could be because of Fluoxetine dose, but also because of Paroxetine withdrawal, and in this case dropping Fluoxetine would only make things worse

- Make a change while feeling unstable could just makes things worse.This uptick in symptoms could be followed by a window and then I would thank myself for keeping everything stable.

- Two months is not a long time in terms of stabilisation after a switch between drugs.

 

 

 

I'm trying to not make a mistake because of liar thoughts, and swimming my best into uncertainty WD world.

 

Sending lots of love ❤️ 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Erell

[Gridley]

6 minutes ago, Erell said:

VOICE 2

Voice 2 feels more right to me for the four reasons you gave. 

[Altostrata]

Please post daily notes, 24 hours at a time.

[Erell]

5 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Please post daily notes, 24 hours at a time.

 

Last two days :

 

Wednesday 14 October

7am : woke up with chemical anxiety boiling through my veins.

Take breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : crying without knowing why. Agitated. Feeling hot. Muscles aches.

Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine 

9am : Take a 30min slow walk outside.

Feeling dizzy/strong body aches/ surges to escape/anxiety burning through my veins.

10h30 : make a cake, trying to ignore strong anxiety/tension. Painfull muscles. Lot of intrusive thoughts.

Noon : eat a bit, no appetite. Hard to stay on my chair, anxiety makes me want to move, escape.

1.30pm : cry in my bed to relieve some tension. Lot of intrusive thoughts. Head in a vice. Anxiety feels lower.

2.30pm : get out of bed. Anxiety is better than in the morning, but I feel huge intrusive thoughts and selfharm impulses. I bite my arms. Strong agitation.

I cry and decide to go outside to do painting work to focus my mind on something.

Afternoon : spent the afternoon painting chairs. Cry a lot and feel very tense, but being active helps with intrusive thoughts and impulses.

4pm : 1mg Diazepam 

5pm : feel a bit better, calmer. Strong body aches. Take a shower 

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Anxiety ramps up. Try to relax with guided video on YouTube.

7.30pm : eat dinner. Painfull anxiety, like if it's burning through my veins.

9pm : still strong anxiety. Spend the evening in my bed trying to relax, massaging my face, listening to soothing music and doing sudokus.

11pm : massive fatigue. Several waking up/surges of terror while falling asleep.

Then slight anxious sleep until 7am. 

 

Thursday 15 October : 

 

7am : woke up with strong body pain.

Take breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : feel anxiety ramping up through my veins, head in a vice. 

Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine 

9am : Still strong body aches. Muscles hurt. Anxiety boiling through my veins, agitated. Spent the morning in my room, too much tension and intrusive thoughts. Bite my arms when it's too much. Crying spells.

Noon : eat with parents. Painfull anxiety. Intrusive thoughts a bit calmer.

1.30pm : in bed trying to relax. Body aches. Painfull anxiety, tension.

Too much intrusive thoughts,  I finally go out of bed and take a 30 minutes walk outside.

Then work in the garden.

4pm : still some intrusive thoughts and strong anxiety, but feeling calmer.

1mg Diazepam. 

5pm : still a bit calmer. Watch a cooking show on tv.

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil.

Play with cat, discuss with parents on couch. Strong tense/anxiety feelings but still calmer, less agitated.

7pm : eat diner. 

8.30pm : go to bed to do some relaxation, then Sudokus.

9.30pm : spike of sheer terror. Shaky.

10.30pm : terror fade and I'm left with strong anxiety burning through my veins, muscles. Feeling very tense.

11pm Massive fatigue. Several surges of terror /waking up while falling asleep.

Then slept good until 7.30am. 

 

 

Sending hugs ☀️

[Altostrata]

My guess is a little more Prozac would help. How about 7.25mg?

[Erell]

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

My guess is a little more Prozac would help. How about 7.25mg?

 

Firstly, I thank you for taking the time to share your opinion.

I must confess that at first place I felt suprised when I read your post : I was trapped between two voices (holding because of improvements before periods, or lowering Fluoxetine dose because of activation) keeping in mind our guess that I might still be taking too much Fluoxetine :

 

On 9/19/2020 at 8:00 PM, Altostrata said:

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

 

I didn't expect the fact that my option could be that I'm suffering from Paxil WD and may need more Fluoxetine.

This is destabilising but also very interesting.

 

If you are ok, would you agree to explain how I can learn to interpret better my dailynotes to understand what changed your mind reading them (from the Fluoxetine reduction suggestion to the Fluoxetine increase suggestion)  ?

 

I apologize, I feel ashamed for this complicated switch. I feel tired of failing with this bridge and struggling so intensely since June. Feeling like the further I go the more I deteriorate (in terms of being functionnal in daily life). And don't know how to get out of the mud.

Alto, you probably have gone through worse, but wow this is hard !

Can't thank enough this community for helping me during this hard year.

 

Hope things are calmer on your side and you can enjoy some fresh air ❤️ 

 

 

Dailynotes :

Friday 16th October

7.30am : wake up feeling shaky, anxiety boiling through my veins. Painfull legs. Take breakfast + 1fish oil capsule

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine

9am : still feeling shaky/high chemical anxiety, feeling restless. Cleaning house.

11am : restlessness and tension a very intense, feel strong urge to hurt myself.Loosing ground. Taking it minute by minute.

Noon : crying spell. Feeling like I need to escape and can't go on. Force myself to eat a bit.

1pm : Read my thread on SA, trying to guess what could be my best option. Feeling exhausted and tensed, anxiety tension. Intrusive thoughts-impulses are more mild.

3pm : go outside to do some painting work on a table. Strong chemical anxiety in my body.

4pm : 1mg Diazepam. Cry a bit to relieve some tension. Feeling very tense, intrusive thoughts are strong.

5pm : spend time on my computer, watch funny videos. Feeling very tense, intrusive thoughts are strong.

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. Painfull anxiety. Intrusive thoughts fade a bit. take a shower.

7pm : no appetite, force myself to eat a bit. Feeling so tense. 

8pm : watch a cooking show ont tv, then try to relax in bed. Feeling tense all evening, insecure. Intrusive thoughts are calmer, just strong chemical anxiety.

11pm : massive fatigue, some surges/jolt while falling asleep. Then slept well until 7.30am.

Edited October 17, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

I do think you are experiencing paroxetine withdrawal.

 

You were taking 7.5mg then.

On 9/19/2020 at 11:00 AM, Altostrata said:

How long have you been taking diazepam at 4 p.m.? If convenient, that could be a good time for your regular dose.

 

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

 

Now, do you now feel better or worse after you take fluoxetine in the morning?

 

It also appears the evening diazepam is helping, but probably too low a dose.

[Erell]

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You were taking 7.5mg then.

I wasn't,  I hold 7mg Fluoxetine since 2 months, since 20 August. 

 

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Now, do you now feel better or worse after you take fluoxetine in the morning?

My morning Fluoxetine dose doesn't seem to impact my symptoms. Symptoms ramp up when I woke up.

 

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

I do think you are experiencing paroxetine withdrawal.

Yes I think too. I knew that Fluoxetine might not cover Paxil WD while starting this bridge.

Now Im trapped : I'm possibly in Paxil WD, but Fluoxetine seems to overstimulate me when I took more than 7mg this summer.

 

If I understand well, here are my options :

- updose to 7.25mg Fluoxetine (risk of making restlessness worse because of Fluoxetine activation)

- keep on holding and hope I can stabilise on 7mg Fluoxetine. 

 

Hard bet, as it is in WD world !

 

Sending you hugs 

 

Saturday 17 October

7.30am wake up feeling shaky, very tense. Some burning skin. Breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine 

All morning : trying to relax in bed. Chemical anxiety stays strong since waking up, feeling tense. 

Noon : hard to eat because of strong tension-anxiety. Eat a bit. Feeling very dizzy.

1pm : cry in my bed. Strong doom feelings. 

2.30pm : cleaning house. Feeling restless, surges to escape. Tried to go outside but light/noise is too much.

3.30pm : still hard, but feel a bit calmer, lower surges to escape, more confident.

4pm : 1mg Diazepam. Listening to podcasts while cleaning.

5pm : restlessness, need to move. Body aches. Dizziness. Still very tense.

6pm : 1000mg Evening primrose oil. 

Watch videos, play a game on phone.

7pm : eat a bit. Strong chemical anxiety boiling through my veins. 

Then go to bed to do relaxation.

9pm : I feel so tense by anxiety, all muscles are contracted. Need to find hope and read Success Stories on SA.

11pm : lights off. Chemical anxiety is hard, very tense. Fall asleep around midninght. Then slight anxious sleep (dreams/waking up) until 7.30am. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Erell

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

 

hi there 

in Baylissa book

Hormonal Imbalances:

“symptoms intensifying at this time” 

do you think it could still be from your last period That your symptoms have intensified  ? 

You mentioned I think that they haven’t been regular therefore having one now could have upset your system somewhat . 
just a thought ..

[Altostrata]

I apologize, I may have misunderstood your fluoxetine history.

 

You could increase diazepam. You're not taking very much.

[Erell]

On 10/18/2020 at 6:22 PM, Altostrata said:

I apologize, I may have misunderstood your fluoxetine history.

No problem Alto, you're not supposed to learn and remember everyone's drug history 😉

In fact, it is a good news that your mind doesn't overload with it 😄

 

I made a difficult switch between drugs and despite being cautious it didn't went as well as I hoped and I didn't expect to experience such high intensity in symptoms.

Now I'm just facing tricky decisions, as everyone here.

Paxil WD, too much/not enough Fluoxetine, destabilised CNS...these seems to be the tricky bets someone has to do when switching drugs.

 

For now I just hope I can regain some functionality, like being able to do some food shopping.

And, as everyone, hoping I'm making the best decisions to help my CNS on my path to a drug free life ☀️

Edited October 20, 2020 by Erell

[Nyfa25]

@Erell je suis désolée que tes symptômes s'aggravent.. Je pense fort à toi en t'envoyant de bonnes ondes pour un rétablissement 😘

 

mes symptômes à moi vont et viennent au cours de la journée c'est usant..

 

Si je peux me permettre de te conseiller d'aller tester de l'acupuncture ? Ça calme mes symptômes un peu pendant quelques heures et me donne un peu de répit et d'espoir pour la suite!

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell,

Checking in to see how you're doing? Sending love ❤️ 

[Erell]

On 10/26/2020 at 2:02 PM, sunnysideup69 said:

Hey @Erell,

Checking in to see how you're doing? Sending love ❤️ 

 

Hello Sunny,

 

How nice of you ❤

 

Well, I didn't reply sooner because I'm a bit sick of my history and my updates during this hard switch and wanted to wait to report improvements 😉

 

Unfortunately things are pretty hard lately.

My dailynotes show that I've seen nice improvements at the beginning of October. I was able to drive, to sleep, to laugh a bit, to read a book...!

Periods came on 11th October and I'm in a hard wave since : high anxiety/terror, poor sleep, crazy intrusive thoughts, restlessness, strong agoraphobia,...

Feels like I'm back at square one, days and nights are really rough.

 

I try to convince myself that my previous improvements are a good sign.

I also tell myself that after this nasty wave I might see a beautiful window.

That's the kind of story I tell myself to stay strong ☺ 

 

Altostrata kindly suggested that I might benefit from a slight updose of Fluoxetine, and I think about it everyday. But I feel so scared of making intrusive thoughts and restlessness worse, I can't make the move.

So I hold and wait for brighter days !

 

I read Rhiannon's posts on SA to remember the importance of holding rather than making changes, and that people tend to stabilize if they wait steady.

I read Brassmonkey's posts where he advised me to stop making drug changes in July.

I read Aberdeen's threads and yours to remember that people ahead me made switch between drugs and finally stabilised, and even got drug free !

I need to thank you @brassmonkey for mentionning your budy Aberdeen : I read her story a lot and it always gives me some strenght !

 

Honestly, I could use some encouragements 😊 😊 😊

Sometimes my confidence in my ability to get better after an almost CT of Paroxetine is very low and I feel doomed.

 

If people do think that I'll stabilise eventually and get a bit more functionnal, I'm always glad to hear 😊

 

Sending hugs ❤

 

(We are back in lockdown in France, and even if I know that it's a bit selfish...it kind of makes me glad : people are stuck in their houses just like me...and I feel less pressure 😇)

 

(I sound negative, probably because I'm struggling and getting tired of this failed switch, but I also have a lot of luck : I have wonderful parents, and even if they still think that they MUST BE something to help you get better, they support me and show me lot of love. Nothing is always all negative !)

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I try to convince myself that my previous improvements are a good sign.

I also tell myself that after this nasty wave I might see a beautiful window.

That's the kind of story I tell myself to stay strong ☺ 

 

Bonjour, Erell

 

When you're in a serious wave, this is what you need to hang onto--that you've had windows so you know you can recover.  I know how discouraging it can be when you think you're on a steady recovery path and then you hit a wall, but walls are meant to be climbed!  And you know we're all sending positive thoughts your way!

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell,

You don't sound negative, to be honest. I think you're being realistic and also showing great positivity because you know how to inspire yourself to keep going. 

Yes, you will recover from a switch, I really believe that. It took me a good year from my switch and my nervous system is still sensitised, but when I look back at a year ago, things are so much better in terms of mood and ability to cope with life. This is coming for you, too. Yes, there are still waves, but they are not knocking me off my feet any more. 

Keep facing forwards, gal 😊

[Cigale]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

I was able to drive, to sleep, to laugh a bit, to read a book...!

 

Oh my sweet and incredibly strong @Erell - Though you are struggling now, I know with all my heart that you are healing. You've had nice improvements, with more to come I am certain. Plus you should know that your positive and compassionate spirit is much, much stronger than these chemicals.

 

Just be kind to yourself as you are to so many of us here. And try to keep your focus on the positive, on the vision of you dancing and singing and loving.

 

It is really sunny and warm here in the Vaucluse and I plan to go out (with my attestation) and pick some wild flowers for you! Breath deep and you will smell some wild thyme and rosemary mixed in.

 

Sending healing hugs 🤗!

 

 

[brassmonkey]

I was just talking with Aberdeen a few weeks ago. She had quite the struggle with her taper, but is doing very well now. I'm glad you find her story inspiring.

 

Being in the middle of a taper is no fun at all.  The way it can change from good to bad over night for no particular reason, but every wave is followed by a window and the windows keep getting bigger and better. Hold tight, things will improve.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) 

[Gridley]

10 hours ago, Erell said:

 

My dailynotes show that I've seen nice improvements at the beginning of October. I was able to drive, to sleep, to laugh a bit, to read a book...!

This is absolutely a definite sign of healing.  There's no question about it.  If you've had a window like this, that means that more are coming.  That's way it works.  

[Hanna72]

Dear @Erell

I am so glad to hear that you are having some improvements. 
Like Gridley stated it’s with out a doubt a sign of healing.

I know we want more, I have for sure been there, still am.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will heal, and stabilise. Never doubt yourself, if a thought goes there, distract and throw that thought away. 
You are more then capable of coming out of this. 
There is nothing selfish about that you feel less pressure and are using the lock down in France to your advantage. In fact I look at it as a clever move ( thought 😉)

I have sometimes looked at this journey as playing chess. Before every move you kind of are aware of the end outcome ( if that makes any sense) 

I for one jumped off at .9 mg when the panademic started in March. I used the situation knowing that everything would slow down so I could deal better with my anxiety.

Focus on your goal 

don’t look in any other direction 

but ahead 💪

Come on girl I know you can do it

Hugs my friend 💖

 

[Erell]

Wanted to echo recent Altostrata's post :

 

"Bringing this to everyone's attention again --

 

This is such a vital community because members help each other. It wouldn't be what it is without that mutual kindness and attention.

 

One of the things that's very important to each person here is knowing that healing is possible. Please don't just go away when you feel better! "Pay it forward" by updating your Intro topic with your progress and come back to post your success story when you are finally clear of all those awful symptoms.

 

Nothing is more valuable to the community than seeing how recovery happens. You have lots of people hoping you'll get better. Please let them know when you do"

 

Yes positive updates are very, very important for our community! Healing does happen, let's share it !

 

❤

[Longroadhome]

You are right @Erell it’s so important to hear success stories to know that no matter what we do heal . 
it’s important for those that have healed to write their story . Though each of us are different in the process of recovery and symptoms may vary the outcome is the same . Recovery . There’s nothing more reassuring . 
How are you ? 
 

[Rosetta]

I’m so glad you have seen improvements!  Yea!
💜Rosetta

[sunnysideup69]

Totally agree, @Erell - hope you're doing okay ❤️ 

[Erell]

Hello dears !

 

Well, it's been around three months of holding everything steady : time for an update, right ?

 

First, let me apologise : we are a peer support community, and yet I don't really offer any support lately. 

It seems that I can't come here without scaring myself. And I don't want to feed my mind with catastrophizing thoughts, negative expectations, etc. So I focus on positivity and optismitic expectations and often only come here to read my favourite Success Stories.

And it seems that I'm discovering the amazing world of what people call DR/DP : lately I've felt strongly disconnected, living in a dream and sometimes it is hard for me to know who I am, if I'm in the real world, what is real, bla bla bla .. so it is often really hard to relate to things or people.

 

BUT, I think I'm slowly getting better 🤞

 

October has been rough : my periods brought a very nasty wave (you can see in my previous posts how much I needed to do something ), and I felt some relief during 3 days and then ..bim periods came back again and brought on a new wave.

Anxiety, DR, poor sleep, headaches, intrusive thoughts, doom feelings, ...and the list goes on.

 

BUT, it seems that my current wave is easier and I notice good signs : 

 

- I feel less restless than last wave

- Even if I'm struggling with high anxiety, the "high" feels a bit less "high" than in October

- Intrusive thoughts feel less strong, and I'm not scared to be in the kitchen like I used to be

 

Life is still challenging and I'm still unemployed, living with my parents and not feeling able to do much. I must confess that I'm a bit scared to not be able to get my life back on track. I know I should not listen to these thoughts. You know, the classic "what if it doesn't get better, what if i'll never be able to work again, ...".

So, still working on redirecting my thoughts

 

What a journey ! Yes I'm scared to never feel "good" again, or able to do "normal" things. 
But instead of dwelling on my fears, let me share two nice stories : 

 

- the other day, I went to walk with my mum ( positive side of this mess : my mum thanked me because she saw me forcing myself to take a walk everyday and it motivate her to do the same, but that's another story !). As we both have absolutely no sense of direction but strongly believe we do, we lost ourselves in the forest and walked 2 hours instead of 45 minutes. No need to say how exhausted I was, and I was convinced that it was going to cost me a lot of restlessness for the rest of the day. 
Well it did not, and I actually spent a relatively ok afternoon and evening after that. Progress 💪

 

- last week, during one evening, while we were eating dinner we heard strong explosions, then saw a big fire through the window. It turns out it was our neigbor's tractor that exploded : the firefighters worked very well and it was over after half an hour.
But, as I'm already in a constant hypervigilant state, you can guess how much adrenaline I had in my body. I was as restless as the cat, and the cat was mounting and descending stairs over and over
I'm pretty sure that some weeks ago it would have been impossible to sleep after that event. 

It took me a while to calm down, and it wasn't a great night, but I manage to slow down gradually and to fall asleep. And that is definitely progress to me 💪

 

Wow this was a very long update ! For those who don't want to read it, here is the short version : I'm struggling and getting tired of this journey, but I really do believe that I'm getting better !

Again, big thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it ❤️

 

I send hugs to all folks who will read this : let's stay strong and optimistic ❤️ 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Erell

[Gridley]

7 minutes ago, Erell said:

yet I don't really offer any support lately. 

You just offered me some very welcome support.  Just know you're there is comfort.

 

The walk in the first and the tractor stories show real healing.  Your CNS is definitely more resilient than before.

 

So does the high anxiety being less high.

 

You are getting better, Erell.

 

 

[street129]

41 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hello dears !

 

Well, it's been around three months of holding everything steady : time for an update, right ?

 

First, let me apologise : we are a peer support community, and yet I don't really offer any support lately. 

It seems that I can't come here without scaring myself. And I don't want to feed my mind with catastrophizing thoughts, negative expectations, etc. So I focus on positivity and optismitic expectations and often only come here to read my favourite Success Stories.

And it seems that I'm discovering the amazing world of what people call DR/DP : lately I've felt strongly disconnected, living in a dream and sometimes it is hard for me to know who I am, if I'm in the real world, what is real, bla bla bla .. so it is often really hard to relate to things or people.

 

BUT, I think I'm slowly getting better 🤞

 

October has been rough : my periods brought a very nasty wave (you can see in my previous posts how much I needed to do something ), and I felt some relief during 3 days and then ..bim periods came back again and brought on a new wave.

Anxiety, DR, poor sleep, headaches, intrusive thoughts, doom feelings, ...and the list goes on.

 

BUT, it seems that my current wave is easier and I notice good signs : 

 

- I feel less restless than last wave

- Even if I'm struggling with high anxiety, the "high" feels a bit less "high" than in October

- Intrusive thoughts feel less strong, and I'm not scared to be in the kitchen like I used to be

 

Life is still challenging and I'm still unemployed, living with my parents and not feeling able to do much. I must confess that I'm a bit scared to not be able to get my life back on track. I know I should not listen to these thoughts. You know, the classic "what if it doesn't get better, what if i'll never be able to work again, ...".

So, still working on redirecting my thoughts

 

What a journey ! Yes I'm scared to never feel "good" again, or able to do "normal" things. 
But instead of dwelling on my fears, let me share two nice stories : 

 

- the other day, I went to walk with my mum ( positive side of this mess : my mum thanked me because she saw me forcing myself to take a walk everyday and it motivate her to do the same, but that's another story !). As we both have absolutely no sense of direction but strongly believe we do, we lost ourselves in the forest and walked 2 hours instead of 45 minutes. No need to say how exhausted I was, and I was convinced that it was going to cost me a lot of restlessness for the rest of the day. 
Well it did not, and I actually spent a relatively ok afternoon and evening after that. Progress 💪

 

- last week, during one evening, while we were eating dinner we heard strong explosions, then saw a big fire through the window. It turns out it was our neigbor's tractor that exploded : the firefighters worked very well and it was over after half an hour.
But, as I'm already in a constant hypervigilant state, you can guess how much adrenaline I had in my body. I was as restless as the cat, and the cat was mounting and descending stairs over and over
I'm pretty sure that some weeks ago it would have been impossible to sleep after that event. 

It took me a while to calm down, and it wasn't a great night, but I manage to slow down gradually and to fall asleep. And that is definitely progress to me 💪

 

Wow this was a very long update ! For those who don't want to read it, here is the short version : I'm struggling and getting tired of this journey, but I really do believe that I'm getting better !

Again, big thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it ❤️

 

I send hugs to all folks who will read this : let's stay strong and optimistic ❤️ 

 

Hi I'm street

It was a beautiful enjoyable story,  Most parts of your story I can relate to.  You're doing wonderful.

[Krisseyb]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

But, as I'm already in a constant hypervigilant state, you can guess how much adrenaline I had in my body. I was as restless as the cat, and the cat was mounting and descending stairs over and over

I totally understand about this!!! Thought we had a real shooter in our school about a month ago. I couldn't calm down AT ALL that day!! Luckily I was seeing my EMDR therapist that night...and am much calmer about loud noises and things like that.

So, I totally understand about that part! 

Seems like you are doing better!!!