Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[mustafa]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Must confess that I'm psychologically exhausted

My dear erell, thoses words are too hard for me to read and iam sorry u are feeling so, may be because the same for me or because I understand these words at all.

If I were u and I started to take benzos and felt some relief, I would try to relax and use benzos to help me be ready to complete the taper again.

Never be upset because you are stronger than anything 🙏.

 

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((( Calins de Singe )))))))))))))))))))))

[Hanna72]

Dear @Erell

What an amazing spirit you have. You are so connected to your body and mind and articulate everything so well. I know that you are facing such a hard road, and you are so inspiring to me, with your endurance, strength and beautiful kindness that you spread through this community. 
 Every time I look through your posts I look for some improvements that you have. 
You have this community rooting for you.

You are doing everything you can, and as you once told me, don’t be to hard on yourself. I know that feeling, being frustrated, exhausted and craving more improvements. 
What an endurance, and strength you have. This resilience will get you to your destination. 
 

This one is for you;

 

”She stood in the storm 

And when the wind did not blow her way.

She adjusted her sails”

 

Hugs to you💖

[Erell]

Merci @Nyfa25 😙

@mustafa : youryour kindness and support are always like a warm hug !

@brassmonkey : you're a gem, this hug is the perfect gift before going to bed, merci !

 

5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The intrusive thoughts, ruminations, and self-criticism are exhausting. 

So true  ! 

I would add to this nice menu the bias of comparison : I have a bad mind habit of comparing and beating myself on SA.

For example, I read people who manage to work during WD or manage to live outside despite symptoms and I keep asking myself why I don't manage to, why I don't manage to be as strong as others. 

It is a constant : what am I doing wrong.

 

I see all these ruminations as a swarm of bees buzzing in the head. The challenge is to avoid being stung  😉

 

I don't play music and don't manage to focus on movies. What works best for me is to be physically involved in an activity : gardening,cooking, walking...

And as I am at my parents home currently and they have accumulated tons of things in their house, I'm becoming a fan of sorting all these stuffs and cleaning 😄

And it helps with the guilt of being a burden 😉

 

Thank you @Rosetta for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it  !

 

[Rosetta]

Oh, my.  This is very important: there are gradations of this syndrome.  Not everyone becomes severely ill.  I realized this as I began to recover.  

To my horror, actually, I discovered that I had been going through WD since I first tried antidepressants in 1988 or 89.  I was 19 then.  I had had an appendectomy.  It was unavoidable, but I believe the anesthesia caused depression.  I quit the antidepressant because of the side effects.  In any event, each time I took any drug, I became sicker.  Then, I would recover, it seemed, but eventually, I would feel worse.  Even other drugs that were not antidepressants caused problems.  The point is that I may have been having windows and waves from the beginning, and I never recovered from the dysautonomia (PAWS, ADWD).  This was because each time I had a new drug, my recovery was interrupted.   Each time I quit the new drug, my condition worsened. 
 

My signature doesn’t show every drug over 25 years (or every glass of alcohol), but I rarely went for more than 2 years without some new drug even if it was just for a tooth filling.  I never thought moderate drinking could be an issue.  I didn’t know pain medication was off-limits.  
 

Now that I understand that recovery can take years, I see that having a tooth cavity filled, taking pain medication after an accident, having surgery, taking any drug at all can make the dysautonomia more intense.  Stopping a drug can intensify it.  Changing a drug can, also.  

 

Some people do not have the misfortune to take so many drugs, and their illness does not progress so far.  Other people are hit hard by the first dose of an antidepressant or benzo and become severely ill immediately.  Of course, they are also the people most likely to be given many other drugs to try to correct the initial illness.  Each additional drug given to a sensitive nervous system causes the dysautonomia to worsen.  Each cold turkey or cold switch causes intensification.

 

You are not doing anything “wrong.”  You are not weaker than the people who can work.  Do you see that you have not had a break from assaults to your nervous system since 2008?  That’s 12 years!  Of course the degree of your ADWD syndrome is intense!  This is not a failing on your part, Erell.  This is a failing on the part of modern medicine, your doctors, and scientists everywhere.  While we were being taught to “Say no to drugs” there was no mention of being suspicious of doctors’ prescriptions.  There was no education of doctors about PAWS and the need to avoid cold turkey withdrawal of antidepressants, new prescriptions, changing prescriptions, etc.  You are where you are through no fault of your own.  You must remember that.

Rosetta

[Cigale]

Oh my dear @Erell - You are so strong for so many. I think that you should treat yourself as you do so many others here - with so much wisdom, love, and compassion. I understand what you are doing when you compare yourself. I admit to doing the same thing, especially when I am suffering and think I should be doing better. Many of us here are very sensitive and that can be our undoing. But we all must be kinder to ourselves. I am holding you in my heart and hoping for healing! Bisous, Cigale

[Mimi79]

@Rosetta and @Erell

19 hours ago, Erell said:

For example, I read people who manage to work during WD or manage to live outside despite symptoms and I keep asking myself why I don't manage to, why I don't manage to be as strong as others. 

The reasons why I’m able to work, my WD symptoms are probably not as intense as yours. And I have the chance that my colleagues and my boss are very, very comprehensive. They give me the chance to work at my beat, without putting pressure on me. It is a great help! Some day I’m not effective at all, but they don’t bother me with that. And I have the chance to take some day off when I need to, like today. 

 

3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

To my horror, actually, I discovered that I had been going through WD since I first tried antidepressants in 1988 or 89.

@Rosetta, this is an observation that I made when I first arrived on SA. I was in perpetual WD since my first ADWd attempt, 12 years ago. The WD from a drug bring another one and it goes like this for years, reinforcing the idea that I couldn’t live without ADs. My best years while I was on ADs was when I was stable on the same drug for numerous years. I know now that our CNS love stability, so it explains those « better years ». But after those good periods come a poop-out and another drug was added...anyway, we all know this story.

 

Dear Erell, I would like to have half of your resilience! You are going through this journey with hope, strength and courage. You remind me that we have to take every little step at a time, and be proud of our improvements.

You should read the book of Baylissa Frédérick, because you have a lot in common with her. Your strength and your desire to help others, even in your bad days, are qualities you are sharing.

 

Take care!

 

Anne-Marie

[mustafa]

19 hours ago, Erell said:

For example, I read people who manage to work during WD or manage to live outside despite symptoms and I keep asking myself why I don't manage to, why I don't manage to be as strong as others. 

It is a constant : what am I doing wrong.

Some do, the other dont and like u, I belong to the people who dont 😂.

Iam off work since almost a year erell.

You just should try to convince or put in your mind that today u are off wirk and tired and tomorrow all this will fade and hide and live normally.

 

[Erell]

Thank you Mustafa, Mimi79, Rosetta, Hannah and Cigale ❤️

I would like to answer in details to your nice words, I don't manage to do it today, so I'll try later.

Wish you all a bright day and some sweet fresh air on your face ☀️

 

As you know, gardening is one of my favourite "changing the channel" tips, so here is my little hug from Brittany for all dear folks :

 

 

[Cigale]

Dear @Erell - Your sweet carrot 🥕 hug is all I need for a reply. Bisous 😘 

[Mimi79]

@Erell

Are you still looking for good books about anxiety in French? I have some good suggestions if you want. 
 

🤗 Big hugs from Montréal!

 

Mimi

[Erell]

Hello, 

 

@Altostrata : if you're ok, I have some questions to submit.

 

I might need an external view : I don't know if my issue is about acceptance and common waves and windows / or if my wonders are relevant.

The fact that I'm struggling a lot might affect my judgements. 

 

1.

I introduced 1mg Diazepam on 29 August, I take it at 9am (I know it was a risky and not relevant choice)  : during one week I experienced improvments : 

- I slept 6-7h straight 

- evenings were easier than the day

- surprised myself a few time laughing spontaneously

- was able to "expose" myself a bit more outside the house : some food shopping

- was able to engage in an activity (cleaning, gardening) for more than 20 minutes

- mental restlessness was overall lower

- intrusive harm thoughts decreased greatly

 

After one week :

- sleep is disrupted and light, restless

- evenings are not easier, and even sometimes harder : random spikes of sheer terror

- the mental surges to espace are back, feeling of going crazy

- intrusive harm thoughts seem to spike again

 

---> Question : does it sound like : paradoxical reaction to Diazepam ? / or normal windows and waves in the context of Paxil WD-CNS destabilisation ? ( @Shep)

Between Paxil WD, Fluoxetine dose, I'm a bit lost when trying to interpret my daily notes.

 

2.

I know it is important to not obsess about symptoms, but I've found some comfort in reading old daily notes. 

It seems that, since the beginning of my Prozac bridge, the best I've felt was first week of June when I was taking : 6mg Fluoxetine +0.1mg Paroxetine (only symptoms were low anxiety and low agoraphobia, I felt functionnal)

 

---> does this indicate someting about an optimal dosage, or is it completely irrelevant since it was 3 months ago ?

---> does the fact that I've felt ok during the switch mean that I will probably be able to stabilise on Fluoxetine and that my switch is working ?

 

 

I'm having a challenging time with accepting the fact that I'm going through acute mental symptoms, and the fact that I'm mostly housebound with debilitating issues.

From what i've read, most people have intense reaction after making a big leap in dosage, such as adding 10mg.

I feel like I tried to do everything right and cautiously and failed.

Perhaps my issue also comes from the fact that I need to understand everything, always have, while there are too much unknown when dealing with psychdrugs.

 

I also know that I am lucky to be physically able to do things, and this is definitely on my gratitude list.

 

Anyway, I thank you in advance and wish you a sweet and sunny day ☀️

Edited September 11, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

---> Question : does it sound like : paradoxical reaction to Diazepam ? / or normal windows and waves in the context of Paxil WD-CNS destabilisation ?

Between Paxil WD, Fluoxetine dose, I'm a bit lost when trying to interpret my daily notes.

 

Does sound like something is going on with diazepam. Maybe split the dose 0.5mg morning and 0.5mg 12 hours later, in the evening? I'd make the change by moving 0.5mg from the morning dose one hour later each day until you're on schedule. Hopefully, this will settle your system.

[Erell]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

 

Does sound like something is going on with diazepam. Maybe split the dose 0.5mg morning and 0.5mg 12 hours later, in the evening? I'd make the change by moving 0.5mg from the morning dose one hour later each day until you're on schedule. Hopefully, this will settle your system.

 

Thanks for your input ❤

 

I also know that you suggest an updose of 0.25mg Fluoxetine. 

I have to make decisions in order to not make changes at the same time. 

 

While holding Paroxetine for 7 months, I never took a benzo and didn't consider it despite hard symptoms.

This switch is a whole different story, I never thought I could consider benzo again in my life.

 

I don't know how to unravel the mess I created with my bridge. 

Might be the terror speaking but I feel like I've failed and can't catch up.

And this is all my fault.

 

Can I still reasonably feel confident about my situation ?

Edited September 11, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

On 8/29/2020 at 11:35 AM, Altostrata said:

....From your experiences, my guess is you are a fast metabolizer via liver enzyme CYP2D6. Both paroxetine and fluoxetine speed out of your system. As I said, 3-week washout for a change in fluoxetine dosage is at the lower end of the range.

 

This is not likely to cause a problem with diazepam.

 

On 9/4/2020 at 12:04 AM, Erell said:

28 June : 0.06 Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine

14 July : 0.06mg Paroxetine + 7.5 mg Fluoxetine 

24 July : 0.03mg Paroxetine + 7.5mg Fluoxetine 

5 August : 0.03mg Paroxetine + 8mg Fluoxetine 

9 August : 0.03mg Paroxetine +7.75mg Fluoxetine

16 August : 7.5mg Fluoxetine + toothpick Paroxetine 

19 August : 7.25mg Fluoxetine. 0.33mg Diazepam (1 drop) + toothpick Paroxetine 

20 August: 7mg Fluoxetine + toothpick Paroxetine 

29 August : 7mg Fluoxetine + toothpick Paroxetine + 1mg Diazepam 

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I also know that you suggest an updose of 0.25mg Fluoxetine. 

 

You found that 7.5mg fluoxetine was too much, correct? Then you went down in 2 steps to 7mg August 20, adding diazepam August 29.

 

What times of day do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

[Erell]

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What times of day do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

8am : 7mg Fluoxetine + Paroxetine booster with a toothpick

9am : 1mg Diazepam

 

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You found that 7.5mg fluoxetine was too much, correct?

 

Here is a summary :

 

On 8/20/2020 at 12:21 AM, Erell said:

26 May - 8 June : 6mg Fluoxetine + 0.1mg Fluoxetine

Very low symptoms

 

9 -27 June : drop to 0.06mg Paroxetine (in order to end the crossover). Hard times !

Week 1 : extreme diarrhea, flu like symptoms, exhaustion. Got tested for Covid, tests came back negative.

Week 2 : Better physically. Anxiety increases.

Week 3 : anxiety very high, huge crying spells, doom feelings,  SI.

 

28 June - 13 July : Increase to 7mg Fluoxetine ( + 0.06mg Paroxetine).

Week 1 : deep depression, crying spells.

Week 2 : depression fade, anxiety increase to high.

Cortisol rushes appear. Disrupted sleep.

Oscillations and improvments : anxiety and depression low  for 1hour (mostly on evenings) on day 6/8/9/11/15. 

 

14 July- 4 August: Increase to 7.5mg Fluoxetine (trying to reach the sweet spot). Drop Paroxetine to 0.03mg on 24 July.

Struggle with anxiety, depression, doom feelings and intermitent DR. Some surges to escape (mild).

Cortisol rush (only after 6 hours of sleep).

Oscillations and improvments : anxiety and depression low  for 1hour on day 2/3/11/12/13/18. 

 

5 August-8 August : updose Fluoxetine to 8mg (still trying to find the sweet spot).

After 3 days, dread and inner restlessness appear. 

 

9 August-15 August : 7.75mg Fluoxetine. 

From 9 to 14 August : restlesness and dread high, with oscillations. 

Sleep : around 5 hours. 

On 15 August : restlessness/ akathisia explode, can't sit still, surges all day. Doom feelings and SI surges. 

 

16 August : stop Paroxetine, take only 7.5mg Fluoxetine 

restlessness/akathisia. No relief.

Violent thoughts.

Sleep 4 hours.

 

 

Then I dropped to 7.25mg Fluoxetine, then to 7mg in order to bring the blood level of the drug down enough and stayed there since.

Dropping seems to help with physical restlessness/activation, not much with mental symptoms. 

 

From what I've read, intrusive thoughts and impulses are quite common in adverse reactions or too high dosage. Mine appeared this August and are still intense despite decreased dosage.

That is why I hesitate about 7.25mg Fluoxetine,  I'm too afraid to harm somebody.

 

I introduced 1mg Diazepam in a desperate attempt to mitigate intense self harm / harm intrusive thoughts and impulses and inner restlessness.

I understand it might confuses things now, or makes things worse and feel stupid for it.

 

Could posting daily notes for a few days help ?

 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Erell

[Erell]

I didn't know that my levels of anxiety and depression in July would feel nice now. Had never been afraid of myself.

 

I spend really rough days with intense surges to escape/harm intrusive thoughts/ mental restlessness. 

Inner impulses scares me, it's like the real me has disappeared.

 

My feet don't seem to be mine and they scare me when I look at them. 

 

I'm sorry to express my ordeal here, I don't know where to turn.

I try to find strenght and hope in myself but I only find scary thoughts and don't know who I am anymore. 

 

I try to practice mindfullness but everything frightened me.

 

I feel guilty with my parents : they are sweet and try to support me but they don't know how a strange person I became. Can't tell them the truth about my thoughts.

I love them so much.

 

Is it really possible to loose connection with reality or are my thoughts just lies ?

Really afraid of loosing control and going crazy. My harm/self harm impulses - surges to escape are torturing me and are my most challenging symptom. 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Erell

[mustafa]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I didn't know that my levels of anxiety and depression in July would feel nice now. Had never been afraid of myself.

 

I spend really rough days with intense surges to escape/harm intrusive thoughts/ mental restlessness. 

Inner impulses scares me, it's like the real me has disappeared.

 

My feet don't seem to be mine and they scare me when I look at them. 

 

I'm sorry to express my ordeal here, I don't know where to turn.

I try to find strenght and hope in myself but I only find scary thoughts and don't know who I am anymore. 

 

I try to practice mindfullness but everything frightened me.

 

I feel guilty with my parents : they are sweet and try to support me but they don't know how a strange person I became.

I love them so much.

 

Is it really possible to loose connection with reality or are my thoughts just lies ?

Really afraid of loosing control and going crazy.

Erell,

I think u are describing the symptomts I had been suffering for 18 months now and still do; for countless times I thought that I would lose awareness and I felt totally detached; I know the feeling of DP u are feeling and describing now is different to the levels of DP u felt before and that is which was scaring me alot, that iam totally lost and dont know or feel anything about anything or any one( of course I know people but with no sense at all and very deatached from all of them).

But until now, I never lost awareness nor control although the symptomts were so difficult and I think iam not going to lose awareness at all( as a result of the symptomts) so dont worry about this and just focus how to correct your doses .

 

[Longroadhome]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I didn't know that my levels of anxiety and depression in July would feel nice now. Had never been afraid of myself.

 

I spend really rough days with intense surges to escape/harm intrusive thoughts/ mental restlessness. 

Inner impulses scares me, it's like the real me has disappeared.

 

My feet don't seem to be mine and they scare me when I look at them. 

 

I'm sorry to express my ordeal here, I don't know where to turn.

I try to find strenght and hope in myself but I only find scary thoughts and don't know who I am anymore. 

 

I try to practice mindfullness but everything frightened me.

 

I feel guilty with my parents : they are sweet and try to support me but they don't know how a strange person I became.

I love them so much.

 

Is it really possible to loose connection with reality or are my thoughts just lies ?

Really afraid of loosing control and going crazy.

Erell 

The very fact you say “is it possible to

lose connection with reality “  Shows you are conscious of how you feel . If you were disconnected you would not be asking the question. it’s your injured brain telling you to believe all the negative thoughts. Don’t listen wave them away and tell them “I will recover” . Because you will. 
It is so good you have two “go to” people, your mum and dad to support you through this. 

You give as well as have a lot of support on this site So many are rooting for you such is the person you are.  
keep moving forward   your time will come. 
 

[Hanna72]

Dear Erell 

I feel like you are way to hard on yourself. 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I feel guilty with my parents : they are sweet and try to support me but they don't know how a strange person I became.

I love them so much.

You should not feel quilty. Your parents will love you no matter what. Might want to consider that your emotions will get more intense without Paxil, that’s my experience. It has been and is my own biggest challenge. 

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

I understand it might confuses things now, or makes things worse and feel stupid for it.

Don’t ever feel stupid. You are trying to survive this ordeal and everyone in here understands. Take that thought out.

Have you tried to sit in silence, looking at your surroundings and being aware of your body and breathing. And when you look, you can see that you are safe. So what remains, your thoughts right. If you’re thoughts are negative and doubtful it can impact on your emotions. 
I use this very simple  thing when I struggle. Just a few moments to make myself aware of the reality instead of thoughts and my so-called story in my head.

Sending you strength and praying for your piece💖

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Why would diazepam work for a week, then stop working?

 

Changes in both diazepam and fluoxetine require weeks to fully take effect. The diazepam you started August 29 should be at a consistent level now. Diazepam's peak plasma is within 2 hours after ingestion, if you were going to have a paradoxical reaction, it would occur in mid-morning. My guess the activation is coming from fluoxetine -- peak plasma is 6-8 hours after ingestion.

 

An updose of fluoxetine to 8mg might take several weeks to settle out, even if you immediately went back to 7mg. You were loading fluoxetine since July 14; we know the 8mg you took the last time on August 8 was too high, and possibly the other doses of fluoxetine (9 August-15 August : 7.75mg Fluoxetine, 19 August : 7.25mg Fluoxetine) you took up to August 29 might have been too high, too. From July 14-August 29 -- 6 weeks -- your fluoxetine doses might have been too high, building a foundation of fluoxetine level that is still slowly leaching away.

 

(We had speculated that you are a fast metabolizer via cyp 2D6, which affected paroxetine at low doses but probably doesn't determine your fluoxetine metabolization.)

 

If your worsening symptoms seem to be regularly occurring in the afternoon, my guess is the fluoxetine you're taking at 8 a.m. is causing activation, and you're still taking too much fluoxetine.

 

Why are you taking fluoxetine and diazepam together? You know we prefer to see separation between the drugs. If you moved diazepam gradually later, say to noon, it may help you with the afternoon activation from fluoxetine and help you sleep better.

[sunnysideup69]

Sending you love and hugs from London, @Erell ❤️ 

[Erell]

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Why would diazepam work for a week, then stop working ?

I don't know, I guess my mind was looking for a reason to explain so intense symptoms after some days of improvments. 

I was afraid of a paradoxical reaction to it, after 3 years without benzo.

 

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Why are you taking fluoxetine and diazepam together? You know we prefer to see separation 

You're right and I know it. 

I took 1mg Diazepam on morning the first day because I had very intense selfharm impulses, and after I've been afraid to change it.

I will gradually move it to noon and see how it goes. 

 

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

If your worsening symptoms seem to be regularly occurring in the afternoon, my guess is the fluoxetine you're taking at 8 a.m. is causing activation, and you're still taking too much fluoxetine

I've analysed my daily notes but it doesn't seem that my symptoms have a specific pattern. Or I don't manage to see it. Symptoms are intense all day with extreme spikes. 

For example : yesterday morning was the worst with high mental restlessness and intrusive thoughts/impulses while afternoon was a bit easier (high anxiety but no intrusive thoughts).

The day before, the worst was at noon and during the evening.

 

So I don't know if we can guess what is causing what.

I see your confusion between Paxil Wd symptoms or Fluoxetine activation  symptoms and I feel sorry for putting you through these guesses.

 

One thing is sure : extreme physical restlessness (need to pace/shake/move all day) has subsided greatly since I decreased Fluoxetine. Symptoms are now mostly mental. It's the intensity that is breathtaking.

 

Do you think submitting my daily notes for a few days could help ?

 

I know people must be tired with me and my Prozac bridge.

I really appreciate your efforts and I'm sorry to be such a mess.

 

Thank you for the links !

Edited September 13, 2020 by Erell

[Nyfa25]

@Erell mais nooon tu n'es pas un gâchis, tu n'y es strictement pour rien, tu es comme nous tous ici une victime!!

 

Un énorme câlin et pleins de bonnes ondes pour la guérison ❤

[Cigale]

Thinking of you ma belle @Erell. You are not a mess but you ARE compassionate, kind, thoughtful, strong, resilient, positive, sensitive, funny, smart, and wise beyond your years. Sending healing hugs 🤗 

[Altostrata]

Yes, I always need to see daily notes!

[Erell]

57 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Yes, I always need to see daily notes!

 

Here is last four days (hope it's not too much). Don't know if they will help, but they will certainly show how much I love cleaning these days 😅 :

 

Wednesday 9th Sept : 

 

6.30am: woke up with a feeling like restless legs in all body. Go in garden to take some fresh air and move my legs. Good mood. 

7am : breakfast, banana+rice cakes+ 1 fish oil capsule. Anxiety and restlessness. Some intrusive thoughts-impulses. 

8am : strong feeling of impending doom, some surges to escape.

Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Try to meditate in my room.

9am : 1mg Diazepam. 

Force myself to do some food shopping with mum. High anxiety. 

10.30 am : try to focus on a puzzle. 

Anxiety is better, but strong surges to escape/ intrusive thoughts-impulses/ impending doom, feeling like going crazy.

Start a lot of different activities without managing to engage.

Noon : feel a bit better. Eat lunch with parents. Want to cry but force myself not to.

Then lie in bed, breath, distract on phone.

2pm : go to take a walk. Try to practice mindfullness while walking, focus on the beauty of plants. High anxiety. 

3pm : Intrusive thoughts-impulses suddenly disappear !

Anxiety is high, with strong depressed feelings : decide to clean the house to distract.

Then spend some time in the garden.

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Intrusive thoughts-impulses are back.

Force myself to watch tv with parents despite fearing my impulses.

After 10minutes, weird feeling : it's like if my brain can't process the tv sound and the images at the same time, I feel overwhelmed. Even by parents talking.

Feeling like going crazy.

Go to take a fresh shower to distract and calm down. 

7.30pm: feeling better, calmer. My mood is good. Eat diner with parents, feel pleasure while talking with them.

Evening  : still calmer,  anxiety and intrusive thoughts stay mild. I manage to read.

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep quickly. 

Lot of awakenings during the night with anxiety. 

 

 

Thursday 10th September :

 

7am : breakfast, banana + rice cakes + 1 fish oil capsule. Anxiety strong, mental restlessness with surges to escape. 

Go back to bed to meditate and breath.

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Still in bed, feeling dread and afraid to go out of my room.

9am : 1mg Diazepam. Feeling restless, high anxiety. Intrusive thoughts. 

Spent morning in bed with sudokus, relax music. Mental symptoms decrease around 10.30am-11am. Able to read a book.

noon : able to eat with parents and fake it.

After lunch, my mood suddenly improve, I feel strong and hope despite symptoms! Read a book.

2pm : feeling strong,  I decide to force myself to drive my car despite anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Very hard but I manage to take a car ride in town!

Then go home, do some cleaning, gardening, short walk. Anxiety is high, but I'm still in a good mood. Intrusive thoughts oscillate.

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. Still in a good mood. Anxiety and intrusive thoughts are mild ❤

7.30pm : eat diner with parents, feeling pleasure talking with them.

8.30pm : sudden spike of sheer terror while washing dishes. Very hard evening, mental terror, feeling of going crazy.

11pm : terror subside and I feel exhausted. Fall asleep pretty quickly.

Light sleep with lot of awakenings. 

 

Friday 11th Sept :

 

5.30am : woke up. High anxiety. Painful neck. Breathing exercices and meditation. 

7.30am : breakfast (banana+rice cakes). 1 fish oil capsule

8am : Paroxetine toothpick + 7mg Fluoxetine. High anxiety, febrile. Walk a bit in the garden.

9am : 1mg Diazepam. Then force myself to go food shopping with my mum. Very hard because of intense anxiety, mental surges to escape. But glad because intrusive thoughts-impulses are low.

Then do some cleaning in house to try to distract.

Noon : Intrusive thoughts/impulses very high+ feeling of going crazy + high anxiety. I leave the table because I need to isolate and cry.

2pm : mental symptoms fade a bit and feel a huge fatigue. I stay in my bed with some sudoku. Body aches.

3pm : take a slow walk outside, 1hour. Try to practice mindfullness (fresh air, butterflies...). Doom feelings, anxiety.

Then do some gardening, Intrusive thoughts-impulses.

6pm : 1000mg Evening primrose oil.

Feeling calmer, sadness. Try to focus on a book.

7pm : head in a vice, anxiety increases. Random spike of terror. 

8pm : terror decreases, high anxiety-dread. Eat diner. Discuss with parents.

Evening: go to bed around 9pm. High anxiety, febrile. Lot of intrusive thoughts-impulses. Feel the need to shake my arms.

Low relaxation music and sudokus.

Lights off at 10.30pm. Might have fall asleep around midnight, then light sleep with lot of dreams and awakenings.

 

Saturday 12 Sept:

 7am : strong nauseas. Eat a banana + 1 fish oil capsule, then lay down on bed and try to meditate. Anxiety, febrile.

8am : nauseas subside. Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. Go back to bed. High anxiety + fatigue

9am : 1mg Diazepam. High anxiety. Legs feel heavy, made in wood.

In bed, watching funny cats videos to distract.

Lot of intrusive thoughts.

10am decide to massage my legs and feet while listening to relaxing music.

Suddenly, my feets don't seem to be mine and they scare me.

I panic and decide to go for a walk to change the Channel. 

But have lot of intrusive thoughts-impulses, very intense, scared everytime I see someone, scared to hurt myself.

I explode in tears. 

11.30am : feeling calmer after crying.

noon : still calmer, able to fake it with parents during lunch.

Then feel exhausted and lie in bed with my phone. Intrusive thoughts and anxiety are there but lower than in the morning.

Afternoon : go to grand father's house to clean it. High anxiety, some surges to escape, but no violent intrusive thoughts, they disappeared suddenly. 

6pm 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

drink a glass with family (water for me). Hard to stay on my chair : high anxiety, shaky, light sensitivity. Give up and go in my room.

8pm : eat diner with parents. Anxiety, body aches. But manage to discuss and even surprised myself with a good laugh! Intrusive thoughts stay low.

Evening: take a shower then go to bed. Head in a vice and strong anxiety, febrile, shaky. Restless and tired at the same time.

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around 1am. Then slept surprisingly good until 7am.

 

Thank you Altostrata, really.

 

(I apologize for not posting daily notes earlier, I was weirdly convinced people would be mad at me if I did, can't say why. My parents pointed out to me that they have noticed some paranoid thinking.)

[Altostrata]

I still think that you're having problems with something you're taking in the morning. Please continue to move the diazepam later. If the sense of being overstimulated moves later and later, it's the diazepam. If it stays where it is, it's the fluoxetine.

[Erell]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Please continue to move the diazepam later. 

I will.

 

Sunday 13th September :

 

7am : woke up with anxiety.

Breakfast, banana + rice cakes + 1 fish oil

8am : Paroxetine toothpick + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Feeling anxious, febrile, impending doom. Take a walk in the garden. 

10am : 1mg Diazepam. 

High anxiety, body is burning. Force myself to drive a bit and go the market. Manage to do some food shopping even  if my brain screams to fly.

noon : still in high anxiety, shaky. Manage to eat a bit. Some terror.

Then go to bed to try to relax, breath.

2pm : five minutes easier, I yawn, feel more relaxed, big fatigue.

Then anxiety ramp up. Go in the garden, don't know what to do with myself. I "booze".

3pm : decide to tidy the attic to distract my mind, while listening to inspirant podcasts. 

Very high anxiety. Some tears. 

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Feeling frightened and sad. Dread with no reason. Want to cry to relieve tension but don't manage to. 

Try to distract by watching tv with parents. 

7.30pm eat diner, no apetite. Mood is better. High anxiety, hard to stay on my chair.

Evening: take a fresh shower. Go on SA to report daily notes. Then to bed with sudokus. Try to read a bit but hard to focus. 

Anxiety is very high. 

Lights off at 11pm, big fatigue. 

Then somnolency with sudden awakenings in terror. Finally fall asleep after a couple of hours and slept good until 7am.

 

 

---》 yesterday intrusive thoughts-impulses stayed surprisingly low, like a background noise.  Felt really grateful for this!

My main symptom was high anxiety-terror.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Erell

[Erell]

@Cigale : had some tears reading you. You're going through a really hard time and yet you come here to share some strenght.

It really shows how strong and how compasionate you are.

I'm a lucky woman to have met you on my path ❤

Hope you can feel all our love and support, we are rooting for you.

 

@Nyfa25 : merci pour ton câlin 💞 N'oublie pas : aussi dur que soit les jours présents,  tu n'as pris ces médicaments que pour une courte période, tout ceci n'est que temporaire.

 

@sunnysideup69 : thank you for your sweet hugs ❤

I'm so happy to read your progress !

Don't freak out if you're feeling exhausted : when I went back to work last January, I couldn't do anything after 6pm except for lying in bed ! 😄

It is utterly normal  : you are facing a lot of stimulations after isolation.

It did slowly get better.

 

@Hanna72 : thank you, yours words always lift me up  🤗 You have a special talent to find the good words and support people. 

i thank you for your tip, and practice it. I find it can be helpful when dealing with anxiety.

I try to work on my guilt but has to admit I'm currently not very good at it for the moment

 

@Longroadhome : thank you for your support ! ❤ While dealing with crazy thoughts, it is very helpful to benefit from an external view. I thank you deeply for taking the time you took to help me !

 

@Rosetta : my grandpa had an accordion and gave it to me. I wasn't in a good mood and thought "what's the point!". But then I remembered you mentioned to me playing an instrument to distract and occupy the mind 😉

Currently learning to discover accordion with youtube tutorials, small steps.

Thank you for mentionning this ❤

Of course,  will let you know when my career will take off and send you a cd 😄

 

@mustafa : thank you for sharing your experience, really. These weird feelings are quite new to me and now I know them it shows me how strong and resilient you are ! Well, I had no doubt in fact ❤

 

 

Everyone, wish you a nice day and some good smiles ❤

[Erell]

Dailynotes

 

Monday 14th Sept :

 

7am : woke up feeling gloomy, sad.

7.30am : breakfast+ 1 fish oil capsule. 

High anxiety, febrile. 

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Go back to bed with relaxing music, breathing. 

9am : go with my mum to the library. High anxiey. Some intrusive thoughts, but stay low

10.30am : back home. Still high anxiety but sudden very good mood ! 

11am : still in a very good mood, strong enough to propose a menu for lunch, do some cooking. Anxiety seems to be lower.

Take 1mg Diazepam. 

noon : still in a good mood, anxiety stays mild ! Some intrusive thoughts but low, background noise.

1pm : anxiety ramps up again, feel restless.  Try to relax in my bed. 

Relaxation, sudoku.

Afternoon : weather was very hot outside, stayed mostly inside. Did some accordion, cleaning, tried to read a book.

High anxiety, but no extreme.

5pm : force myself to go in a supermarket but have a panic-terror attack inside and come back home.

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Force myself to call a friend to distract, manage to discuss with some pleasure. 

7.30pm: eat diner. No intrusive thoughts! Just anxiety.

Evening: try to relax in bed. Very high anxiety with a spike at 10pm, terror.

It faded around midnight, with a huge fatigue. Lights off. Fall asleep relatively quickly and slept well until 6am.

Then slight anxious sleep/ gloomy feelings.

 

@Altostrata : 

 

---》 had an easier time between 10.30am and 1pm. Worse was around 22pm with terror, hot flashes.

Like the day before, intrusive thoughts-impulses stayed low.

---》 It seems that since one week I have hard evenings, worse than during the day (terror), while evenings were easier and calmer during the first week on Diazepam.

 

---》 Today, it will be my 18th day with 1mg Diazepam, So I'm probably already dependent on it (a dependency I know I stupidly created). 

This monday report seems to be in favor of a decrease (felt better before taking Diazepam), however this current morning is very restless and I haven't taken Diazepam yet.

 

I also don't know how to interprete the pattern of worse evenings with terror spikes : it doesn't seem to be related with the peak plasma of the two drugs.

 

 

I know you can't give an explanation for every symptom, but I'm grateful for having an external point of view with those dailynotes.

 

I have different theories, but the action they imply could make things worse if I pick the wrong option.

 

I have to make a decision but feel quite paralysed because I don't trust anymore my guts since my intuition lead me to make things worse.

Edited September 15, 2020 by Erell

[MissyE]

Hey @Erell just checking in. 

Sorry to see things are hard again; glad you are noticing little improvements though. 

Remember you are a strong lady and each time you rise stronger.  I love your carrot hug!! and send as many as you need right back at you!!

You can get through this.  You have got through it before.  Remember you're winning; and have all the time you need.

You're healing!! We're healing!! We've got this!  I love the recent (long) @brassmonkey quote in @sunnysideup69

It may help you too!

Love Missy x

[Altostrata]

On 9/14/2020 at 12:14 AM, Erell said:

I "booze".

 

What does this mean?

 

Keep moving the diazepam later, please.

[Erell]

52 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

What does this mean?

I wanted to use the French word "bouiner" and google proposed "booze".

"Bouiner" in French means "wander", starting activities and changing, not really engaging in something, not knowing what to do with yourself.

 

Just made a quick search and see that "booze" is related to alcohol  : I don't drink alcohol, don't touch it, I'm way too afraid.

Wrong translation 😉

 

52 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Keep moving the diazepam later, please.

 

In the link you provided I read that ingesting food can have an impact on Diazepam metabolization, so today I took it at 11.45am rather than noon.

 

"Absorption is delayed and decreased when administered with a moderate fat meal ⁹. In the presence of food mean lag times are approximately 45 minutes as compared with 15 minutes when fasting "

 

I don't know if I'm understanding well : if I keep on moving Diazepam later, tomorrow I'll take it after lunch, which could have an impact on the dose level or only on the time taken to be metabolized ?

 

Just wanna make sure that I don't introduce more changes in my dosages in order to try to see patterns if there are any.

 

Hope you're ok on your side, take care ❤

 

Edited September 15, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

We need to see if activation is caused by fluoxetine or diazepam. Moving them apart makes your symptom pattern clearer.

[Sottana]

Hey Erell, has the addition of diazepam quelled your symptoms at all? Hope you don’t struggle too severely today. Thinking of you!