Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

1 hour ago, Adili13 said:

Hey Erell, has the addition of diazepam quelled your symptoms at all? Hope you don’t struggle too severely today. Thinking of you! 

Hello Adili ☺

Well, I honestly don't know. It seems that it helped first days, but now I don't really know.

Really hard to tell what is what these days.

Thank you for your support  ❤

[Erell]

17 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We need to see if activation is caused by fluoxetine or diazepam. Moving them apart makes your symptom pattern clearer.

Yes, I understand that, thank you ❤

I was wondering about the impact of lunch food on Diazepam ingestion.

 

My feeling is that : activation symptoms from too high a dose (8mg) (extreme physical restlessness/ violent intrusive thoughts-impulses/extreme mental restlessness) are gradually being replaced by intense anxiety-terror-dread, like a constant panic attack with harder spikes.

 

 

Tuesday 15th Sept :

 

6am : woke up gloomy, sad, anxious. 

7.30am: breakfast +1 fish oil

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Everything feels frightening  : taking out the trash, brushing my teeth. My brain is afraid of everything. Intrusive thoughts-impulses are there but low.

9am : Hot flush. huge crying spell. Don't know  why I cry. Like a dark cloud with no colours, no hope.

10am : can't stop crying, uncontrollable. + feeling some mental restless, surges to escape.

11.45am : still in huge crying spell, can't stop. Try to listen to relaxing music but it makes me cry too. Mental restless, dread.

Take 1mg Diazepam. 

noon : crying spell stop slowly. Low appetite. Force myself to eat a bit.

1pm : mix between exhaustion and high anxiety. Some comforting SI.

Go to bed to relax. 

Feeling exhausted, my eyes close and I kind of fall asleep but everytime I wake up with a jolt and with shortness of breath.

2pm : go out of bed. Despite exhaustion I can't relax so I decide to force myself and go to my grandpa's house to do some cleaning.

4pm: come back home because uncontrollable crying spells are back. Hot flushes.

Some intrusive thoughts-impulses, low.

Try to focus on magazines, can't stop crying. 

6.30pm : 1000mg Evening primrose oil.

Crying spells calm down. High anxiety. Restless legs.

7.30pm : diner. Calmer. Sad, tears in my eyes.

Then go to bed, exhausted.

9pm : anxiety ramps up, very high, shaky. But no terror this evening. 

11.30pm: anxiety calms down a bit. Lights off.

Fall asleep around midnight and slept well until 6.30am. 

 

--》 quite amazed (and grateful) that I sleep so well with the level of chemical anxiety I experience during evenings.

Don't know if it's Diazepam helping or not.

---》 for the third consecutive days, intrusive thoughts-impulses stayed low.

Main issue of the day was uncontrollable crying spells and high shaky anxiety, dread.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Erell

[Sottana]

@Erell yeah, it’s so

hard to tell when everything is so all over the place. I’ve resonated a lot with your posts about mentally wanting to keep working but physically being incapable due to withdrawal. My scenario has been very similar. I hope you have an ok day. Xx

[Erell]

Hello @brassmonkey 

 

I'm turning to you as I know you manipulate maths better than me.

 

We discussed my dosage calculation today with my father and he thinks I'm wrong. 

I've re-read the link (https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/9167-how-to-calculate-dosages-and-dilutions-spreadsheets-and-calculators/) but have to admit I'm a bit lost between English and a confused brain.

 

Hope I'll make an understandable explanation :

 

Since the beginning of my bridge to Prozac I use the same method :

 

My liquid Prozac is 20mg = 5ml

 

To get my current 7mg dose, I put 2.5ml (=10mg) Prozac in 25ml water. 

I mix up, remove 7.5ml and drink the 17.5ml left.

 

Here is the calculations I use :

 

- I want to take 7mg Prozac, which equals 1.75ml.

- I put 2.5ml Prozac in 25ml water

- As 2.5/25 = 0.1 --> I have 0.1ml of Prozac for every ml of the solution.

- As I want to take 1.75ml of Prozac ---> 1.75/0.1 = 17.5

- 25ml - 17.5 = 7.5 ---> I remove 7.5ml from my solution and drink the 17.5ml left.

 

But my father thinks I'm making a mistake by considering the 25ml instead of using the number 27.5ml (25ml water + 2.5ml Prozac) in my calculations.

He thinks I'm actually taking 7.27mg Prozac, and not 7mg.

 

Would you agree to tell me what you think (if my explanation makes sense) ?

 

Take care ☀️

[Altostrata]

11 hours ago, Erell said:

-》 quite amazed (and grateful) that I sleep so well with the level of chemical anxiety I experience during evenings.

Don't know if it's Diazepam helping or not.

---》 for the third consecutive days, intrusive thoughts-impulses stayed low.

Main issue of the day was uncontrollable crying spells and high shaky anxiety, dread.

 

I believe that your intake of fluoxetine and diazepam is stabilizing. The paroxetine is probably unnecessary.

 

I would keep gradually moving the diazepam later, past mealtimes, until you're taking it in the evening.

[brassmonkey]

It looks like your father is partially correct.

 

But don't change anything because of it. The way it calculates out is that you are taking a dose that is 3.8% less than you thought. Because you have excess water in the bulk solution you would have less Active Ingredient in your dose. You've been taking this dose for a while now so it's the one you need to be taking. When dealing with doses, consistency is more important than numerical accuracy. As long as you take the same dose every time and get good results, and make your reductions in the same manner, it doesn't matter if it that dose is 7.0 or 7.27.

 

When I was teaching wine making many years ago this dilution concept was one of the harder ones to make people understand. The idea of making a solution IN a liter or TO a liter confused a lot of people, because in English the work TO can have both meanings. If you put something IN a liter, you start with a liter of liquid and add more. If you want to make a solution TO a liter you start with the amount you want dilute and add liquid to it until you get a total of a liter. So, in this case, the word TO is a contraction of "to a total of".

 

When we make our solutions we are using the "to a liter" concept.

 

"To get my current 7mg dose, I put 2.5ml (=10mg) Prozac in 25ml water."  The method you are using would be considered the "IN a  liter" method, and will give you 10% more liquid than you planned for.

 

To get your current 7mg dose, you would put 2.5ml (=10mg) Prozac in 22.5ml water. Using this method is would be the "TO a liter" method, and is the one that we need to use when creating our bulk liquids.

 

Making this change in how you make your bulk liquid would give you an updose of 3.8% or 0.27mg using your current plan. 

 

The underlined sentence above is the key to explaining it to your father.

 

 

 

[Erell]

11 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

When I was teaching wine making many years ago this dilution concept was one of the harder ones to make people understand. The idea of making a solution IN a liter or TO a liter confused a lot of people

Yes, I believe you when you say that this concept was one of the harder one to make people understand : we spent 1hour with my father on this one yesterday 😅

I thank you for your explanation, you have a true talent to make these things clearer ! 

 

11 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

 So, in this case, the word TO is a contraction of "to a total of".

And this is where I got it wrong, ugh language barrier ! 😉

 

But you say : 

 

11 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

But don't change anything because of it. (...) When dealing with doses, consistency is more important than numerical accuracy. As long as you take the same dose every time 

So yes, I'll keep going with my method in order to take the same dose every morning.

 

Thank you Brassmonkey, it really is priceless to have a place to discuss these concepts and make sure one's calculations are correct.

 

Wish you a delightful and bright day ❤

 

(Ps : As I force myself to try to pinpoint positive outcomes of this ordeal, let me share this one : this maths discussion with my father made me realise that he really is starting to understand the power and dangerousness of these drugs...he even said : "I could make an Excel spreadsheet to help people on your website" ...wow !

I told him that there already are spreadsheets on SA, but really my friends, it has been a long road to convince my family!

Slowly we are going to educate the world...that's my hope ! 😊)

Edited September 17, 2020 by Erell

[Erell]

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

I believe that your intake of fluoxetine and diazepam is stabilizing.

That's my hope ! Strong chemical anxiety lead my mind to believe the opposite, thank you for offering your interpretation of my dailynotes (and for your time ❤).

 

I will keep moving Diazepam as you suggested.

 

Might sound silly but I've used a toothpick of Paroxetine this morning, afraid that new changes could make things worse. 

 

Wednesday 16th Sept :

 

7am : wake up anxious. 

Take breakfast + 1fish oil

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

High anxiety, shaky, febrile, terror spikes.

I go outside to take a walk. 

10.30am : anxiety keeps ramping up, feeling of going crazy, terror. 

Contracted muscles, shaky.

11.30am : still in terror, walk in circles. 

Try to self soothe. Sudden neck pain/burning during half an hour.

Try to cry to relieve some tension but can't. 

noon : Slightly better, can cry a bit. Less shaky. Force myself to eat a bit 

1pm : 1mg Diazepam. 

Go to bed with relaxing music/ Eckhart Tolle's book. Anxiety is high but lower than in the morning. 

Legs pain. Contracted jaw.

2.30pm : anxiety feels lower, more mild. 

I decide to take this opportunity to leave my bed and the house.

Hard but I manage to do some food shopping, drive my car, go to see my grandpa and do some cleaning in his house. 

6pm : 1000mg Evening primrose oil. 

Anxiety ramps up a bit, but no extreme. 

Low mood. 

7.30pm : eat diner. Very low mood with no reason.

8.30pm : Loose myself on SA, then watch some funny cats videos 😇

Then go to bed with sudokus and a book.

Evening: better mood, feel confident.

Anxiety is there but stays mild. 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight and slept well until 7am !

 

 

---》 morning has been particularly hard.

It was like being in an intense panic attack during 4hours with no relief.

It improved during the afternoon and evening.

This pattern (morning worse/evening easier) is different from previous days.

Felt like if I was a different person between morning and end of the day !

---》 again, intrusive thoughts-impulses stayed low.  This is huge, and makes me feel so grateful !

[Sottana]

@Erell I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. So good that you’re trying your absolute best to give yourself distractions and things to do in spite of the severity of symptoms (seeing grandpa and doing sudokus). I think it shows your tenacity and strength. Your will to keep going and to fight in the face of all this suffering will serve you so well on your journey! 

[brassmonkey]

I'm glad that your discussions have had a nice positive affect with your father.  It can be very hard for someone not directly involved to understand what we are going through and I commend him for making the effort. Also Thank him for the offer of the spreadsheet. We currently have several excellent ones for determining doses for a taper, but I am coming up with ideas for one on Dilution Ratios, but only have some vague ideas right now.

 

Continuing like you have been will be the best way to keep your doses consistent. Keep proper records and I don't see a problem using this method the whole time.

 

I am very glad I learned English as a native and not a second language. The subtle differences in words because of their usage can be maddening. To, too, and two is just one example. Affect and effect is another one that shows up a lot here at SA. And the one I find on line all the time is Their, there, and they're, people use them incorrectly all the time. Learning Russian was difficult because I had no idea how to go about learning a second language but with practice I was passable. My wife speaks French very well, so I've picked up "enough to get my face slapped". I find other languages fascinating, but totally frustrating at the same time. 

[Altostrata]

How do you feel before you take fluoxetine in the morning? Has your evening symptom pattern changed?

[Erell]

Hello dear Alto,

 

(I always visualise you playing nicely viola..."alto" means viola in French 🎵😉)

 

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 Has your evening symptom pattern changed?

Since 10th Sept, I had spikes of anxiety-terror every evenings.

Last two evenings,  anxiety stayed mild and I have even been able to read a book.

 

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

How do you feel before you take fluoxetine in the morning? 

I unfortunately don't see a regular pattern.

Some mornings I wake up highly anxious and it remains the same before and after taking Fluoxetine. 

Some mornings I wake up with a surprinsingly good mood and tolerable anxiety and it seems to worsen during morning.

Some mornings I wake up highly anxious and it improves a bit after some hours. 

I'd like to be more specific but my days feel so different one from another.

 

I honestly don't manage to see if something is wrong and could be corrected or if I'm just dealing with a destabilised CNS that needs stability and a long hold.

 

Thursday 17th Sept :

 

7am : woke up in a good mood. Anxiety low. 

Eat breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Anxiety ramps up a bit but stays tolerable. Some intrusive thoughts.

Then I discuss with parents in the couch, trying to enjoy the moment.

10.30am : anxiety ramps up, I decide to take a walk (40min) outside. 

11.30am : anxiety is around 5 ! Wow !

Some intrusive thoughts-impulses.

Feel confident.

Noon : eat lunch. Anxiety still medium. Still intrusive thoughts-impulses, stay mild too.

Then go to bed to meditate and relax.

2pm : 1mg Diazepam. 

Same symptoms, same intensity.

Decide to enjoy my more tolerable state and go in town to walk, stroll, "be in real life".

Some anxiety spikes, probably related to noises, light, heat. But I manage to force myself and enjoy a bit ☺

6pm : 1000mg Evening primrose oil. 

Intrusive thoughts-impulses ramps up a bit. Anxiety still around 5/6. Spend some time in garden with father.

7.30pm : eat diner. Symptoms stay medium.

Evening : take a fresh shower, then go to bed. A bit on SA, then listen to relaxation and read a book. 

Still same intensity of symptoms ❤

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight. Sleep good until 7am. 

 

 

--》 Intrusive thoughts-impulses were a bit higher than previous days, but no extreme.

 

--》 Didn't experience extreme levels of symptoms Yesterday  : far from feeling good, but it definitely sounds like a window to me ! ❤

 

--》 I usually have my periods every 29-30 days. Today I realise that last periods were 40 days ago, so it seems that my cycle is messed up since Fluoxetine overstimulation (which I know is not unusual in WD world). It seems that I might not have my periods this month (I don't have the usual physical signs).

Edited September 18, 2020 by Erell

[Hanna72]

Sweet @Erell

Sending you healing vibes.

You have an amazing spirit and I am just so sure that you will come out of this in time.

Keep having faith and I am so glad that you have your parents support it has so much value.

All the best to you, I am always rooting for you 💖

[Altostrata]

My guess is moving the diazepam is starting to work, and it's masking symptoms from fluoxetine ramping up later in the day. This is okay. Is it convenient to take diazepam at 3 p.m. each day? If you can take it consistently at 3 p.m., you might hold there for 2 weeks.

 

Then, depending on what happens, you might reduce the fluoxetine a bit.

 

On 9/12/2020 at 9:43 AM, Altostrata said:

My guess the activation is coming from fluoxetine -- peak plasma is 6-8 hours after ingestion.

 

[Erell]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

My guess is moving the diazepam is starting to work, and it's masking symptoms from fluoxetine ramping up later in the day. This is okay. Is it convenient to take diazepam at 3 p.m. each day? If you can take it consistently at 3 p.m., you might hold there for 2 weeks.

 

Saw this too late and took Diazepam at 4pm. Will keep taking it at 4pm from now and hold everything for 2 weeks.

My biggest goal is to feel better, help my CNS to regain some stability, so if I have to get organized to take it in the afternoon, I'll do so. 

And as I've lost my job, my biggest job now is to take care of me. 😉

 

Friday 18th Sept :

 

7am : woke up with some anxiety(low),  incredible good mood, very confident and grateful. Happy to start a new day !

Take breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : same mental state. Some intrusive thoughts-impulses, but low level.

Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Back to bed to meditate and listen to audio relaxation. 

9.30am : anxiety ramps up, intrusive thoughts impulses increase too. Hard but no extreme.

I decide to take a walk outside, then spend time in the garden.

11am : Feeling sad with no reason,  some hopelessness. Anxiety and intrusive thoughts-impulses still higher than in the beginning of the day.

Decide to cook to change the channel because I feel I could spiral very fast.

Noon : Still in the same state : anxiety and sadness, . Some tears. Intrusive thoughts decrease. 

Eat lunch. 

Then go to bed to relax, listening to hypnosis.

2pm : play with cat. Want to cry without knowing why. So weird after this morning good mood !

3pm : 1mg Diazepam.  Anxiety is medium take this opportunity to go in town to do some shopping, walk, live !

Mood is "blah".

6pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

watch tv with parents. 

Random burning feelings (tolerable) : esophagus, skull, face.

Anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but nothing extreme, medium.

7.30pm : eat diner. 

Then spend some time on my Phone, discuss with parents, take a fresh shower, play with cat.

9pm : go to bed feeling "almost normal ", symptoms are low ! ❤

Do some sudokus, read a book.

Lights off at 11pm,  fall asleep around midnight and slept well until 7am.

 

 

--》 hard to believe that it is the same person that woke up in her bed Thursday and Friday with such a good mood and medium anxiety, or felt better in the afternoons and evenings, while the beginning of the week was so hard !

This relief is welcome 😊

 

Thank you Alto. 

 

[Altostrata]

How long have you been taking diazepam at 4 p.m.? If convenient, that could be a good time for your regular dose.

 

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

[Erell]

19 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

How long have you been taking diazepam at 4 p.m.? If convenient, that could be a good time for your regular dose.

Today is the only day I took it at 4pm.

Yesterday I took it at 3pm, the day before at 2pm, and so on.

I will now hold my Diazepam dose at 4pm.

 

19 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

Thank you for offering your external point of view Alto, really.

As you suggested, I will hold everything for the next 2 weeks and reassess then.

 

Hope things are ok on your side  ❤

Edited September 19, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

A week might be enough. You've been moving diazepam slowly.

[Cigale]

18 hours ago, Erell said:

Happy to start a new day !

 

Such wonderful news chère @Erell! You are brave and resilient and inspiring! 🤗 

[Mimi79]

Hi dear Erell!

I’m so happy you are seeing some improvements. What a relief it should be!
You are so strong and you don’t let your bad thoughts overcoming you. This is where I have some struggles. I’m listening too much to my catastrophic thoughts. 

 

I’ve found a way to « change my channel » and you will laugh at me. J’écoute en replay les émissions de « Ça commence aujourd’hui »! Ça me change les idées et en plus je pleur presqu’à chaque émission! C’est très libérateur! 😁

 

Hope you’ll have a wonderful day and I send you big hugs from Montreal.❤️

 

Mimi79

 

[Erell]

@Mimi79 and @Cigale : thank you, your support is always like a warm hug for my heart 🤗

My days are still hard, but the relief is so sweet.

I hope you have some relief too ❤

 

1 hour ago, Mimi79 said:

You are so strong and you don’t let your bad thoughts overcoming you. This is where I have some struggles. I’m listening too much to my catastrophic thoughts. 

You might see me stronger than I am 😅

I struggle with my thoughts too, as so many here. It takes practice to not identify to thoughts, and I'm still learning

I've read a sentence I love in a book :

 

"Don't take your thoughts too seriously" 

 

Simple sentence, but powerfull ☺

 

Saturday 19 Sept 

 

7am : woke up with a great mood, anxiety is low. Take breakfast + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : anxiety ramps up gradually since I woke up.

Toothpick Paroxetine + 7mg Fluoxetine. 

Go back to bed to meditate. 

9am : anxiety at 6 (medium), feel shaky.

Strong pain in lower back, some legs pain.

10am : same anxiety + hard to move because of back pain (this is new for me). Stay in bed with soft music, sudoku... all morning. 

Noon : same + low mood. Nothing extreme, just feel tired of living with chemical anxiety, of the consequences of WD on my life.

Eat lunch.

Then go back to bed, no impetus to try.

2pm : suddenly, lower back pain disappear (!). Low mood and medium anxiety. 

I decide to go out of my bed and try to use a sewing machine to focus my mind on something else than my mourning thoughts. 

Will manage to focus 2hours on the same activity ! 

4pm : 1mg Diazepam. 

Same symptoms (low mood, some SI, medium anxiety).

Decide to do some gardening.

6pm : Feeling ok (wow). Some anxiety but low.

1000mg evening primrose oil. 

7.30pm : eat lunch. 

Then discuss with parents, play with cat, some time on my phone.

9pm : anxiety ramps up a bit, but stay very tolerable. Good mood.

Fall asleep around 11.30pm, sleep well until 7am.

 

--》 despite struggling with anxiety and depressed feelings during the day, I notice that for the third consecutive day I don't have extreme spikes of symptoms and my evenings get really easier.

And I sleep very well. Wow !

So grateful!

[Frogie]

@Erell

 

Just wanted to stop by and wish you well wishes.

I saw you quoted a book in your post.

I have a quote my therapist told me that I say to myself at least 10 times a day:

"Today is a good day for a good day".

You will see better days. They are just around the corner💖

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

[Mimi79]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I've read a sentence I love in a book :

 

"Don't take your thoughts too seriously" 

 

Simple sentence, but powerfull ☺

Love it!

I have two other quotes I like too:

 

« Don’t listen to the lies of your mind »

 

« Thoughts aren’t facts »

 

Take care, dear Erell!

[Erell]

On 9/19/2020 at 8:20 PM, Altostrata said:

A week might be enough. You've been moving diazepam slowly.

 

On 9/19/2020 at 8:00 PM, Altostrata said:

Appears to me you're taking too much fluoxetine. Once diazepam dosing gets settled, you may wish to reduce fluoxetine by 0.5mg.

 

Thank you for your suggestion ❤

 

Last few days have brought a welcome relief, I am now left with random depressed feelings and fluctuating chemical anxiety. 

I will hold everything steady for one week and then reassess.

 

Reducing Fluoxetine by 0.5mg scares me a bit, last weeks have been quite a shock. 

I might try a 3% drop and see how it goes.

 

You are a gem Alto, you really helped me hanging during this rough patch.

I don't know how to thank you enough so I'll just send you hugs  (if you like them) ☀️

Edited September 21, 2020 by Erell

[Altostrata]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Last few days have brought a welcome relief, I am now left with random depressed feelings and fluctuating chemical anxiety. 

I will hold everything steady for one week and then reassess.

 

Good idea. The diazepam is working on those afternoon symptoms.

[Mimi79]

@Erell, how are you going these days? 
Send you hugs!

Anne-Marie

[Nyfa25]

@Erell Salut Erell je viens également aux nouvelles pour savoir comment tu allais ? Il me semble que tu n'as pas publié depuis quelques jours, alors j'espère que ça veut dire que tu arrives pleinement a profiter des journées et des activités que tu fais ?

 

Bien a toi et toutes les bonnes ondes pour la guérison 😘

[Rosetta]

I’m sorry that I have not written back.  I’m limping along at the moment.  I don’t feel terrible, but the homeschooling is really hard, and I have very little energy or patience for much else.  I did have internal akathisia quite severely.  Jump off the roof kind of aka.  I never paced, but I had restless legs and arms.  There was an electric feeling in my arms and legs.  It will go away.  Try to distract yourself and take hot showers or hot baths.

[sunnysideup69]

Hey lovely @Erell, been catching up on your thread  I'm so glad to read you're having some relief. Your strength is immense. Sending you lots of hugs.

[Erell]

Hello, 

 

thank you dears for your sweet posts ❤️

 

i've not been much on SA this week : while not working and spending a lot of time at home, it is easy to get trapped by screens, and this week I have worked on spending less time on my phone.

I also felt that reading others'stories triggered some catastrophzsing thoughts, and I'm working on not letting catastrophizing thoughts consume my thoughts  

 

I'm trying to be the observer of my symptoms and to detach from them while living "normal life".

I feel a strong need of being able to do 'normal' things like seeing friends, go in town, drive my car... but must confess that I'm not really succeeding (for now) and I'm mostly housebound. 

I dont know how to express it in English, but it's like if I don't know how to do "normal things" anymore : last months have been very hard and I don't know how to "reconnect with reality".

It's like feeling 'crippled', and disconnected. 

Don't know if it makes sense  

 

This week, symptoms are mostly an omnipresent anxiety without a cause, with random higher spikes / some intrusive thoughts / strong agoraphobia / slight sleep with lot of dreams / random despair-crying spells.

The random despair-crying spikes makes me feel like in PMS, but last periods were 50 days ago so I don't really know where I am in my cycle anymore. 

 

I'm holding 7mg Fluoxetine at 8am and 1mg Diazepam at 4pm.

As chemical anxiety is quite high and disabling, I keep in mind Altostrata's suggestion to lower my Fluoxetine dose : I plan to take a detailed look at my dailynotes this afternoon and decide what I do next.

 

Wishing you all a nice day ❤️ 

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Erell

[mustafa]

47 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hello, 

 

thank you dears for your sweet posts ❤️

 

i've not been much on SA this week : while not working and spending a lot of time at home, it is easy to get trapped by screens, and this week I have worked on spending less time on my phone.

I also felt that reading others'stories triggered some catastrophzsing thoughts, and I'm working on not letting catastrophizing thoughts consume my thoughts  

 

I'm trying to be the observer of my symptoms and to detach from them while living "normal life".

I feel a strong need of being able to do 'normal' things like seeing friends, go in town, drive my car... but must confess that I'm not really succeeding (for now).

I dont know how to express it in English, but it's like if I don't know how to do "normal things" anymore : last months have been very hard and I don't know how to "reconnect with reality".

It's like feeling 'crippled', and disconnected. 

Don't know if it makes sense  

 

This week, symptoms are mostly an omnipresent anxiety without a cause, with random higher spikes / some intrusive thoughts / strong agoraphobia / slight sleep with lot of dreams / random despair-crying spells.

The random despair-crying spikes makes me feel like in PMS, but last periods were 50 days ago so I don't really know where I am in my cycle anymore. 

 

I'm holding 7mg Fluoxetine at 8am and 1mg Diazepam at 4pm.

As chemical anxiety is quite high and disabling, I keep in mind Altostrata's suggestion to lower my Fluoxetine dose : I plan to take a detailed look at my dailynotes this afternoon and decide what I do next.

 

Wishing you all a nice day ❤️ 

 

Hello erell,

I like that your post is of a little quiet tune, I hope u feel some relief.

Yes, being trapped by a screen is not a good thing at all and yes too, nothing is better than going out side for work and seeing friends ; I dont know how the matter was to be if we dont have friends as well here on SA, I think it was to be severe struggle.

It is good that u are lowering your fluoxetine dose, having less ADs is for sure better.

Thinking of u erell❤.

[Cigale]

My heart goes out to you sweet @Erell! Though your strength is being tested at every turn, you stay positive and rational and supportive of others. I am thinking of you and sending hugs. 

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I dont know how to express it in English, but it's like if I don't know how to do "normal things" anymore : last months have been very hard and I don't know how to "reconnect with reality".

It's like feeling 'crippled', and disconnected. 

Don't know if it makes sense  

 

Hi Erell

 

This makes perfect sense and it happens to so many of us no matter where we are on the recovery arc.  I still have health anxiety issues and when they take hold in my mind, I, too, don't feel like doing "normal things" .  I spend a tremendous amount of emotional energy just wanting to feel okay again.  I find starting out slow and easy helps--doing very small short-term things that don't take a lot of effort,  even as minor as rearranging files on my computer.  Anything that feels normal but that I can set aside if needed.  It can be so difficult for so very long it gets disheartening, but it won't last forever!

[Sottana]

Thinking of you a sorry you're having such a difficult time. I relate to many of your symptoms, especially the strong chemical anxiety and feelings of unreality. I spend much of my time inside as well. We will prevail, my friend. I think it's good that you're spending less time on your screen. I might have to follow and do the same thing. Reading stories often sends me down a slope of catastrophic thinking. Best to avoid it entirely until we are more stable! Peace, Erell.

[Frogie]

Hi Erell:

 

I just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing this week?

 

I hope just a little better.

 

Be strong ❤️

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Erell]

Hello, 

 

@Frogie, @Sottana, @Cigale, @mstimc, @mustafa : thank you, I'm always so pleased and grateful when I read kind words of support on my thread ❤️

 

Feeling a bit selfish too : I've tried today to read others'threads, but I can only notice that I'm still very easily triggered and after a few posts my mind was already gone in a catastrophizing mode. It's like if I don't manage to come on SA these days without panicking or feeling overwhelmed.

I'm also feeling a mix between anger and hopelessness when I read so much sufferings because of foolish doctors. The same story, over and over : i'm sick of this sad scenario. And so angry.

And astonished by the strenght and the generosity of those who come here and work hard to support, share their knowledge, explain, ...day after day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you 💞

 

So I guess I'm going to keep on working on "real life" and coming less on SA for now. Hoping I'll feel strong enough to give support soon !

 

On my side, I'm still holding everything steady : 7mg Fluoxetine at 8am + 1mg Diazepam at 4pm + toothpick Paroxetine

I'm seeing improvements, and I chose to see these improvments as a sign to keep holding rather than lowering my Fluoxetine dose for now.

 

Let's share some nice improvements : 

 

- I get 6-7hours of sleep most nights, sometimes even more !

- The physical kind of "akathisia", need to move, is GONE

- Violent intrusive thoughts-impulses : they are now very low or nonexistent (!) with occasionnal spikes.

- I'm not living in terror anymore. Anxiety fluctuates, with some challenging spikes but also nicer times.

- My mood is overall better and more stable. I'm often "blah", and compared to the dark hopelessness, blah is wonderful !  

- I'm more "active" and able to engage in activities. Also felt some interest for the news (with moderation  ), for the "real world".

 

Current symptoms-situation : 

 

- I'm still dealing with chemical anxiety and agoraphobia. Fluctuating, ups and downs..working on trying to live with them. My most challenging an disabling symptom.

- I've developed a kind of "social anxiety" and I'm isolated (trying to work gradually on that)

- I'm very easily irritated with no reason.

- I have random spikes of depression/doom/hopelessness : working on managing them with my toolkit

- exhaustion spikes : there are times during the day while I suddenly struggle to keep my eyes open, feeling exhausted

- spikes of genital pain, like if I had my periods (don't have them since 60 days).

- strong headaches, it comes and go.

 

And a strange one : since 2 weeks, I woke up during many nights with an irrepressible need to laugh, and I can't stop laughing during 10-15 minutes before it calms down.

And I have absolutely no idea why I'm laughing, it is uncontrollable, physical.

Might sounds nice, and to be honest it IS much more nicer than to wake up because of terror.

But it is also a very strange feeling and experience, not so pleasant. I'm getting used to it, but at first it was very disturbing.

Actually, it is a pity : perhaps I'm creating the best humorous show during my sleep and I'm missing a great career because I can't remember my jokes !

 

So, to make it short : struggling mostly with chemical anxiety, and some unpleasant symptoms, but definitely improving and doing better (and sometimes giggling stupidly under my blanket) ☀️

 

Sending lot of love ❤️