LotusRising: Buspar, Ativan

[LotusRising]

I'm doing so-so. I've had a re-emergence of the abdominal pressure/tightening, so that's got me a little depressed - not as severe, but equally as debilitating - feels like I can't breathe and my whole digestive system shuts down too  BUT, it is not as frequent, so that's good. I'm mostly symptom-free overnight, so that is definitely a big deal.

 

I find I'll be really good for a few days and then get hit with a wave of depression and sadness when I think about the last 8 months. Trying not to dwell, but it almost takes me by surprise sometimes, how surreal it was and still is and how no one really "gets" it when I'm walking around in my everyday life. Makes me feel incredibly alone. I don't know, just feeling a little stuck at the moment, but still trying to carry on with life. 

 

I hope you're well?

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

You have perfectly normal feelings with all of this going on. But you are strong and you are really doing well for all that you have/had gone through.

 

I wish we could have people walk in our shoes just one day and they would "get it". They would never question us again. It's not a game we are playing, it's the real deal.

 

So sorry to hear about the abdominal stuff going on again. I was really hoping it had moved on. Hopefully it won't get as bad as it was and it will leave as fast as it came back on.

 

You are so close to the finish line. You have to remember that, as hard as it is.

 

Hang in there.

 

[LotusRising]

Feeling super low today and for the past few days. I had a good week or two, not symptom-free, but able to sleep more and get things done. Felt like I was maybe past the worst of it, but the drug comes right back and is like, nope, you're not done yet! My old friends chest and abdominal pressure have returned. I keep thinking that each new symptom has to be the worst, but then the old ones comes back with a stark reminder that they are all equally as crappy. Went from sleeping 4-5 hrs a night to barely sleeping and feeling like I can't breathe most of the day with all the pressure and tension. My thoughts keep looping that no one cares, what's the point of being here, when is this going to end, when will I feel "normal" again. I just keep putting sad songs on repeat and crying. Tired of the orange creamsicle taste of my medication, tired of my alarm ringing off 4 times a day to take a drug that makes me feel like crap, tired of it all.  I keep thinking about how I don't want to be here and keep doing this. I know this is part of the process, but the thoughts are unrelenting. 

 

Just needed to vent.

[Greatful]

@MedRN

My heart goes out to you. Vent all you want...You need to get it out.  Somehow that makes space  for you to fill  it with positivity and re-gaining focus.

 I think what you are feeling and saying are felt by many on here.  I go through this-round and round-up and down.  It can be overwhelming and wear you out.  But somehow we dig in deep and find the will to get through the minutes, days, weeks and months.  Thank goodness we aren't just starting out.  We are that much closer to healing from this temporary chemical brain injury.❤️ 

 

Don't believe your negative thoughts.  Your family love's and needs you.  You love yourself.  Hold on to that.  Even when it feels like a lie--repeat I love myself,

my family loves me- I am meant to be here. 

 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

I'm really sorry I haven't checked in on you. I got covid. Yup, vaccinated and boostered and got it. I got it So I haven't felt like being on here, but you need to hear this from me too.

 

@Greatfulis right on. It's ok to vent, to be angry, and go round and round with your feelings. You have every right to validate your feelings.

 

What helps is journaling, have you tried it? I've been doing it for years. It is in my nightstand so if I wake up in the middle of the night I can write, and early morning when no one is around I can share my thoughts on paper.

 

I know you are really tired of this, but look how far you have come. You are almost there? You have endured so much, but I am so proud of you for bearing what you have, and still go camping, fix your daughter's room to a tween, all doing this when you feel like you do. Kudos to you! I wish the old symptoms would leave you alone, but unfortunately, they like to sneak back in once on a while.

 

Negative thoughts are just that, negative thoughts. When one pops up, think of one little positive thing, I took a shower this morning, I did some light yoga, I ate breakfast, some little thing. Because the little things add up to big things that outweigh the negativity.

 

My liquid medication tasted like peppermint. I got tired of peppermint, so I put it in a tablespoon of apple juice or apple sauce, just something to hide the taste. Alarms are the worst, but you know what? Hang tight because you are almost to the end of this brutal battle and won't have to set another alarm!

 

You can vent anytime you feel you need to.

[LotusRising]

@Greatful

@Frogie

 

Thank you both for your words of encouragement - reading this opened up the floodgates again, but it's okay, they're good tears and thankful tears. I needed to hear all of this - I know it, but reading it reinforces it.

 

I know the thoughts are just thoughts, but they're so damn scary sometimes! I listened to one of Baylissa's meditations today, and that always seems to help just a little. There's so few people to talk to about this stuff. The ones I've shared my story with seemed to understand in the beginning, but have slowly faded off into the background.

 

I was journaling every day a short while ago, so I'll get back on that. It's definitely a great way to get things out. Good reminder  I've been getting a ton of flashbacks to earlier in withdrawal - it's really hard to put words to what we're going through isn't it? 

 

Yuck, peppermint. I bet you can't touch anything peppermint anymore!

 

I'm so sorry you got covid! I have a friend that just got it too and she is also double-vaccinated. She had a very mild case though. How are you feeling? 

 

Thanks again to both of you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Are you feeling any better?

[LotusRising]

Does anyone know if @Frogie is still moderating? She's been lifeline for the last 9 months, but haven't heard from her in a while ...

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Sorry, I got covid after Memorial Day weekend. Had a severe reaction to the medication they give you now. My "hubby", Uncle and sister in law took it without a problem. Not me...

 

I hope to be back really soon. Just sleeping a lot. But about 80% better, so I hope to be back this weekend.

 

I haven't left you. Hope you are ok.

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Good to hear you're doing okay - I knew you had covid so I was a little concerned. 

 

Rest up and I will talk with you soon 😊

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

I'm in and out right now. Just wanted to see how you were doing?

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Thanks for checking in and good to hear from you   I hope you're on the mend?

 

I'm doing okay. New wave over the past 3 weeks seems to be chest pressure/air hunger. I am getting through, though not with the most positive of mindsets. I have slowed yet again to reductions every 4th day, which I think may be helping with the severity of this symptom. Mood is low, as it is whenever a new symptom strikes, but still trying to balance out the circle of emotions with mild exercise - but sometimes doing nothing more than binge watching Netflix.

 

I have an increase in symptoms that cycle throughout the day, so I hope this is a good thing. It brings me relief from the current dominant symptom so it's a bit of a small blessing. 

 

I'm starting to get flashbacks from earlier in my withdrawal when things were much worse, so I can no longer listen to certain music. But in a way, it's good because it's shown me how far I've come. 

 

I just keep on keepin' on ...

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Thanks for thinking of me. I am on the mend, slowly. Covid wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it was the medication that I took for it that I had a severe reaction to. But hopefully by next week I should be back to my normal self.

 

I was so hoping you wouldn't get the air hunger. That is really the pits. I still have it. I don't know if there is any scientific proof, but this helps me. I sleep with a cool mist humidifier blowing on my face all night. It helps me sleep. And it doesn't hurt to put humidity in the air.

 

What are you binge watching on Netflix? Anything good. There are only 2 seasons, but Sweet Magnolias is really good and we have heard that we should be watching Yellowstone. Cowboy movies don't interest me much though. If you feel up to a movie I would highly recommend the new Top Gun. It was so, so, so good! But that is a really good distraction to watch movies. Do you get QVC? It is a home shopping network. They started Christmas already last night and I ordered 3 things. I hate to see what the weekend will bring because that is their kickoff lol...

 

You have such a good attitude toward all of this. I'm sorry you had to slow down a little, but look how close you are to the end. You rock!

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Yep, air hunger is AWFUL. For me, it's also accompanied by really bad nasal congestion, so I just try to regulate my breathing and tell myself that it will pass. I have definitely had some episodes of crying during it though. It's scary to feel like you're suffocating. I'll definitely try the humidifier.

 

I've been watching Love on the Spectrum and Virgin River. I've got Sweet Magnolias in my watch list  Yellowstone is good! I'm not in to westerns or cowboy movies either, but Yellowstone is a little offside and it's something I can watch with my husband. It can get a little intense though. My husband and I have talked about seeing Top Gun - definitely soon. We don't have QVC, that I know of, probably a good thing! Christmas already?! Wow, we're just barely starting to get summer here!

 

My son is in a triathlon this weekend, so we are off to another city not too far from here. My kids are really excited about staying in a hotel with a waterslide and we're hoping to do a meal out - sometimes the extra stimulation gets to me, but I'm hoping the excitement of watching him will overshadow that. And I'm looking forward to a change of scenery.

 

 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

It has brought tears to me more than once and still does. It is an awful feeling. My nose has ran for the last 4 years for no reason, so it must be related. The humidifier might help, it can't hurt.

 

I will have to try the Virgin River and Love on the Spectrum. Sweet Magnolias is really good, you'll definitely have to check it out. Top Gun is so good. I would go again!

 

Yeah QVC (you can look at it online) is my weakness. And so is Christmas. My hubby just shakes his head lol...

 

I wish your son all the luck in the world. And it will be a good distraction for you. Get to be by the pool, a nice patio dinner and family time. You did so well with camping, I'm sure you will do fine with this.

 

Have a great weekend!

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Just wanted to check in with you.

 

How was the weekend? Hope your son did well.

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

It was great! He did awesome! His goggles broke on his first swim lap and his chain came off his bike on his last bike  loop, but he took it all in stride and even did better this go around than he did on his first triathlon. It was fun to watch but was I ever exhausted the next day from running around trying to catch him at his transitions. 

 

It finally feels like summer here after a couple weeks of rain, so my mood is up. I am sleeping for longer stretches too, so that definitely helps. I think I am coming to the end of a wave too, so hoping for a good window 

 

How was your weekend?

 

 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Sounds like a great kid you are raising, to take it all in stride and keep going. Just like mom. You conquered this weekend also! I bet you were tired lol...

 

 

We have only had a couple of rainstorms. It is very dry and hot. It's been in the 90's and a couple days in the 100's, so summer is definitely here. With your wave ending I hope you enjoy yours!

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Wow, that is hot! We sit in the 70's where I am, which is very tolerable. Any hotter and I need a body of water to dip into. I think I'm starting to notice shorter waves, but it's so frustrating when old symptoms return 😣 I slept for 5 1/2 hours straight last night - amazing! Hard to believe I was only sleeping an hour or two at a time many months ago. I guess I have proof that things are getting better  

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

I was checking in and missed this one. I'm sorry.

 

I wish we were in the 70's all the time, that would be perfect. Today we are in the 80's but next week back into the 100's. I try to stay in as much as possible when it's that hot. I love the fall/winter.

 

You slept 5 1/2 hours straight! That's wonderful, maybe you can teach me. I sleep an average of 1 1/2-3 hours a night. So I just lay there and think of all the things I could do but can't wake the "hubby" lol...

 

I hope you are feeling better and have a great weekend. This is the 4th of July this weekend here, and the 3rd is my birthday. We are going out to dinner, but we stay home on the 4th. Too many crazy people out and about then.

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Happy belated birthday! 🎂 I hope you enjoyed your dinner out. 

 

We just had Canada Day here, the weather was pretty pitiful, but it is sunny today and supposed to warm up this week. We are getting ready to head out on Saturday for a short "glamping" trip to BC. It's about an 8 hour drive, but hoping it's worth it for a week of lake life 🤩 Really looking forward to a change of scenery. A little worried at the same time - my stomach pressure stuff is still around and I'm still getting mild air hunger, but I'm also having periods in the day with little to no symptoms, so I'm enjoying feeling a bit more normal. My sleep is still pretty good too, but it seems I'm still so tired all the time. Lots of energy going towards healing I guess. Tapering every 4th day seems to be agreeing with my body more, now that I'm lower in my dose. I still get stressed with every reduction, but I suppose it will be like that until the end for me. And one day it will be over  

 

 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Thank you for the birthday wishes. It was a good day.

 

Look at you going "glamping", camping, watching your son in a competition! You are doing really well and not allowing the symptoms to interfere with your fun. 

 

And yes, one day, very soon, it will be over and you can do a happy dance. I'll be doing it through the computer with you.

 

Have fun!!!

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Just thought I would stop by and check in.

 

Hope you are enjoying yourself.

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

Sorry for the lag in reply - wifi at our campground is not great.
 

I’m doing mostly well, staying busier than I need to be, but the kids want to do and see everything in the area. Weather is fantastic here and can’t complain about being right by a lake 😊 Mood is a little low today, dwelling a bit on this whole process, but I’m sure once the day is in full swing, I will be able to forget about things for a bit. Just trying to enjoy all the moments for now. 
 

Hope you’re well 💕

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

That is so awesome you are able to enjoy yourself. Look how far you have come!

 

Enjoy those kiddos and just keep busy, then you won't have time to think about anything😊

[Altostrata]

Good to see this, @MedRN!

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Back from my week away and feeling pretty good! A couple flare ups of nerve pain and still getting the annoying abdominal pressure, but for the most part, it was nice to go somewhere and feel normal"ish". The summer is my absolute favourite time of the year and it was great to be able to sit on a beach 🤩 The drive out was tough, my muscles sure didn't love not moving for 9 hours, but all worth it.

 

Just got off a zoom with my psych and it never ceases to amaze me how little they really know. I speak about symptoms and she just has this glazed over look in her eyes, or she recounts things I've never even said to her 😡I can really tell I'm just another number in the course of her day. Yuck. What a messed up system. Just needed to rant on that lol

 

How are you?

[LotusRising]

On 7/13/2022 at 12:15 PM, Altostrata said:

Good to see this, @MedRN!

Feels good @Altostrata! Never thought I would be here, but here I am  

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

That is great news that you were normal"ish", and functioned. I bet the kiddos just loved the week long vacation. And the beach, how much better can that get? I live 1,000 miles or so away from a beach, maybe more. It would be at least a 2 day drive at probably 10 hours a day. I live close to the mountains. Lots of pine trees, rivers, and people, unfortunately. So we don't go often.

 

It just does amaze me that we are all just a number in this game they play with us. At least you are able to get your meds though. 

 

Sounds like you are doing pretty well overall though. You are so close now, just around the corner😊

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Kids loved the beach! The water was a little cool, but much warmer than the glacier lakes near us.

 

The geography where you are sounds pretty similar to what we're close to. Very "peoply" too. And speaking of people, I hopped in my car to grab some groceries yesterday only to find out that someone thought it would be cool to saw out my catalytic converter while we were away. I would rather not have known what that even was, but have since learned that thieves will take them for the metal and then turn around and sell it for money. Most frustrating! 

 

Other than that, I'm just trying to take it easy for a bit. I'm happy to report that I am also still sleeping well  

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

That's fantastic that you were able to go to the store, but unfortunate they took your catalytic converter. It is very common here for them to steal them. The police/sheriff have advised to put our address on it then when the thieves take it to the scrap yard, they will see the address and call the police on stolen property. We just need to have time to do that.

 

It is very "peoply" (love that phrase) here too. I live in a city of 105,000. But we have just about every restaurant and store we could imagine having. Sure beats the 600 people town we lived in for 6 years.

 

I love the mountains, just don't have the time to go since "hubby" works 12-14 hour days and then we do house repairs/yard work on the weekends.

 

I'm really glad your sleep is improving. You are healing, slowly, but healing. Great news!😊

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

Oooh, that's smart. My town has about 35,000, but we are basically a bedroom community close to a large city. We had a problem a few years ago, but of course you never think it will happen to you. Apparently, one of my neighbours saw them drive away but wasn't able to get any info 🤷🏼‍♀️

 

Yes, healing is happening. I remember thinking it would never get better and it's nice to actually feel like it is, instead of people telling me that it is, if that makes sense. I love having my sleep back, but it's crazy how exhausted I still feel all the time - my body is still working pretty hard to get it all right. 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

We live in one of the safer neighborhoods in our city. About a month ago, my "hubby" (I put him in quotations because we aren't legally married but been together almost 14 years) was changing the fuel pump in our old truck. I was helping. We had gas all over our hands and went in to wash up. I heard our camera go off but thought someone was walking by. We went back out and his DeWalt radio was missing. Two weeks ago, the guy showed back up and was going through our neighbors boat, so I snapped a picture of his license plate and he actually waved at me! Then Friday he showed up in a stolen car and was in another neighbors garage. The neighbor turned around and scared him off. So we now keep our garage closed and watch our surroundings. Hopefully he will be caught soon. You never think it will happen to you until it does. It's just a part, like the radio, and can be replaced. But I felt violated.

 

Your city sounds a lot like the one I grew up in. Not big, but big enough to have stores and restaurants and not far from a big city where everything is.

 

I know you thought you would never heal and we all told you to have faith, it would happen. Your body will work overtime, and you may have a wave here and there, but you are doing wonderful! Keep it up, you are closer than you were even a month ago.😊

 

 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

Just wanted to check in with you?

[LotusRising]

@Frogie

 

I'm doing okay. My symptom pattern seems to keep changing - symptoms were cycling during the day for awhile, which was actually okay. But now, it's like my body is going back to previous areas and working there for a bit. It feels like no one symptom every goes away. Feels very defeating. For the last two days, back to my teeth, so I have a constant, nagging throbbing feeling in a couple teeth. Just trying to stay distracted. 

[Frogie]

@MedRN

 

There was a moderator (hopefully I will remember with one and can find the post) they talked about symptoms like revamping a building. When they work on a building they start on one side, say elevator one. Then they have to switch over to another part of the building, and then go back a while later to the original starting point. That is what your side effects are doing. You are healing, then the brain switches to another part of the body, then switches back. I hope it doesn't last much longer for you. Just tell yourself everyday how far you have come and you are closer to the end than you were at the beginning. I told myself that a lot and that's how I got through the worst of it. You are doing great though.