Erimus: my introduction and journal

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus The physical pain from withdrawal can be absolutely brutal. Perhaps one of the worst things you will ever go through in life.  You can only get through each day the best you can. Sometimes it is just getting by moment to moment.  But I am here to tell you that there is recovery. I too suffered from debilitating pain, in many different ways and on many different levels, all from withdrawal. I am a success story though. I tell you this so you know recovery is possible and it is happening, it just takes way too long. Manage the best you can and your body will do the rest.

[Erimus]

Thank you @eileen1111. Despite all this I still have hope rooted deep within me. I don’t know where it comes from but I know it’s there, and I know there is life beyond this medical disaster.

 

What would I do without you @RachelSusan. I’ve been doing a lot of that “moment to moment” living the past few days and weeks. I spend a lot of time laying on the floor with only my thoughts for company. My mind wants to be active and occupied but my body is giving other signals. I’m sorry you suffered so much but grateful your pain wasn’t in vain, as people like me cling on to your story in the toughest of moments. I can’t wait to see your success story. 

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus During a period of intense withdrawal, when I felt like I had the flu, I laid on the bathroom floor probably two or three hours a day for about five days. I felt hot and the cool tiles on the floor felt good. It was interesting to me to read that you laid on the floor as well. Maybe for different reasons than me but still interesting.

 

I know you are struggling. Recovery is possible.

[Erimus]

Another milestone, and an update:

 

Two years ago today I officially started taking sertraline 50mg. I’d actually taken a few tablets at the end of Sep/start of Oct 2020 but it made me feel so terrible I quit after two days. I thought I had to push through these symptoms and eventually it would cure my “mental illness”. I wish I could go back and slap myself. I was so unwell I had no idea just how much worse the medication was making me. I punish myself every day for the mistakes I’ve made over the last couple of years. Before medication I wasn’t in chronic pain and didn’t have any digestive problems. This is what happens when the right information regarding these drugs and tapering isn’t available to prescribers and patients. It’s a tragedy.

 

I like to think in another 2 years from now I’m in a much better place. When you read through the archives of this website, you find that the majority of people who stumble here improve their situation with the passing of time. I take faith in those who have walked this terrible path before me and lived to tell the tale.

 

I’ll update again on the 6th of December, hopefully in better shape. I’ve been in a terrible wave for a month now, it’s about time I’m owed some positive change.

[Erimus]

Update: 6th Dec 2022

 

Today marks one whole year since my first post on the forum. I’m so glad I arrived here and shared. The support and information I’ve received here is second to none, an absolute pillar in my recovery, and I can’t be grateful enough. 

 

I was debating wether to post because I am so disappointed with my lack of progress, but it’s important to have a written history that I can look back on. I’d like to say one year back was the ultimate ‘rock-bottom’, but I’ve had many periods over the last 12 months that I could consider the bottom as well. I’ve only recently come to terms with just how severely damaged my nervous system was/is. I’ve basically gone through a whole cold turkey withdrawal despite still taking a significant dose, which feels like a massive defeat. You forgo a symptom you perceive as the worse, only for it to cost you dearly in a different area. I crashed hard late September, reaching a second “ultimate bottom”, and gained severe pain and extreme muscle contraction in my whole body.  A lot of the time I want to cry but I don’t possess the emotional range for that at the moment.

 

I’m often not quite sure how I’ve survived so far, but the important thing is that I have. I’m hoping on this new trajectory my nervous system can work things out and I can start to taper off this horrible drug for good. This drug and the subsequent withdrawal has taken a piece of my soul.

Edited December 6, 2022 by Erimus

[Erimus]

Here is the updated symptom tracker I initially posted one year ago, and repeated in June 2022. Now I’ve seen it in writing it’s evident that my progress has slowed down a lot compared to the first 6 months. I’ve had a resurgence of some symptoms since my second huge crash in late September. I’m still recovering from that one but better than I was 2 months ago.

 

Symptom tracker (intensity/10); (Dec 2021) -> (June 2022) -> (Dec 2022):

 

Indigestion/acid reflux (9/10) -> (3/10) -> (2/10)

Anxiety waves (7/10) -> (2/10) -> (1/10)

Shortness of breath (7/10) -> (2/10) -> (2/10)

Tension headaches (5/10) -> (3/10) -> (2/10)

Hot flushes/sweating (5/10) -> (1/10)  -> (3/10)

Constipation (5/10) -> (2/10) -> (2/10)

Insomnia (3/10) -> (1/10) -> (1/10)

Sweaty palms (4/10) -> (1/10) -> (3/10)

Muscle tension in shoulders/neck (3/10) -> (0/10) -> (4/10)

Inability to concentrate (5/10) -> (2/10) -> (1/10)
 

Some extra symptoms I’ll score for future reference (June 2022) -> (Dec 2022):

 

Jaw tension (3/10) -> (4/10)

Dizziness when standing (2/10) -> (1/10)

Coated tongue from dry mouth (4/10) -> (3/10)

Restless arms(3/10) -> (2/10)

Nausea (1/10) -> (2/10)

Irritability (0/10) -> (1/10)

Facial grimacing/gurning(?) (1/10) -> (3/10)

Brain/body zaps/jerks (4/10) -> (2/10)

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus We have had many of the same symptoms. For me it was unbelievable how physically painful this process was. To be debilitated for months at a time with this pain boggles my mind.

 

Recently I've had a set back from other medications I am currently on, but the good news is that January 1st of 2023 will make one year since I have tapered completely off the Zoloft. It took a long time for me to recover from the many crashes that I too had. It does sound like my trajectory was very similar to what you are now going through. Additionally I too would get rid of one symptom only to have it replaced by a new symptom, then some of the old ones would rear their ugly heads months down the road. 

 

The good news is recovery is possible.  For me the first year was the worst.  The second year was a bit better and so on. The last few years of my taper was amazingly uneventful. It got to the point that I did micro tapers and the symptoms mostly stayed in the background.

 

I am glad you posted.  It gave me a chance to say hello to you, it also gave me a chance to say that recovery will happen.  It will even happen for those of us that have had large crashes and huge amounts of damage done to our CNS.  Holding is the best possible thing you can do.

 

Hang in there.  I hope 2023 is a much better year for you.

 

 

[Lauren90]

6 hours ago, Erimus said:

Here is the updated symptom tracker I initially posted one year ago, and repeated in June 2022. Now I’ve seen it in writing it’s evident that my progress has slowed down a lot compared to the first 6 months. I’ve had a resurgence of some symptoms since my second huge crash in late September. I’m still recovering from that one but better than I was 2 months ago.

 

Symptom tracker (intensity/10); (Dec 2021) -> (June 2022) -> (Dec 2022):

 

Indigestion/acid reflux (9/10) -> (3/10) -> (2/10)

Anxiety waves (7/10) -> (2/10) -> (1/10)

Shortness of breath (7/10) -> (2/10) -> (2/10)

Tension headaches (5/10) -> (3/10) -> (2/10)

Hot flushes/sweating (5/10) -> (1/10)  -> (3/10)

Constipation (5/10) -> (2/10) -> (2/10)

Insomnia (3/10) -> (1/10) -> (1/10)

Sweaty palms (4/10) -> (1/10) -> (3/10)

Muscle tension in shoulders/neck (3/10) -> (0/10) -> (4/10)

Inability to concentrate (5/10) -> (2/10) -> (1/10)
 

Some extra symptoms I’ll score for future reference (June 2022) -> (Dec 2022):

 

Jaw tension (3/10) -> (4/10)

Dizziness when standing (2/10) -> (1/10)

Coated tongue from dry mouth (4/10) -> (3/10)

Restless arms(3/10) -> (2/10)

Nausea (1/10) -> (2/10)

Irritability (0/10) -> (1/10)

Facial grimacing/gurning(?) (1/10) -> (3/10)

Brain/body zaps/jerks (4/10) -> (2/10)

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggling, but it looks like many of your symptoms have greatly improved!! You only have two symptoms at. 4/10, the rest are well below. I’d say that’s amazing progress! Keep your head up  we are all in this together 

[Erimus]

Thank you @RachelSusan. It boggles my mind how much physical pain this has imposed. I can’t believe how much damage I caused after such little time on the drug, but here we are. Mis-information and education is the root cause of our situations. 
 

I play little games with my mind to cope with the reality of it. At the moment the next goal is the 10th Dec which will be 2 months since the new journey after massive crash no. 2. 
 

I come here every day, I’ve been reading your thread and am sorry you have to go through this again. Hopefully the gabapentin isn’t as problematic as Zoloft.

[Erimus]

Yes @Lauren90. There has been progress which is easy to forget. The day to day change isn’t noticeable so you only see improvement when you look back over 3 and 6 months. This is why the symptom tracker every 6 months is so essential to remain focused on the goal of recovery. Sadly the reality of protracted withdrawal is slow and painful, literally and metaphorically.

 

The big crash late Sep has skewed many of my results in the updated symptom tracker, giving a sense of limited improvement. In another 3-6 months things will be better still. You become accustomed to living in the future because the present is often insufferable. 
 

Thankfully our body is kitted out with an innate will to survive by any means necessary. All I have to do is survive until it works things out; seems easy enough.. haha!

 

Best of wishes for Christmas and the new year. I hope it brings a means to an end of akathisia.

Edited December 6, 2022 by Erimus

[Erimus]

I had some bloods taken on Monday. I wasn’t expecting anything to show up, as usual. The surgery called me this afternoon and I found out there’s a slight problem with my liver results. Nothing severe but I’ve got an appointment next Wednesday to get the full run-down. It put the fear of God into me and I think I’ll have to make an appointment for next Monday because the anxiety is eating away at me.

 

I’m terrified because I’m not in a fit state to taper the sertraline which is probably causing this issue. Ever since starting it I’ve been plagued with severe adverse effects due to what I assume is poor metabolism. I don’t know how much longer I need to wait before tapering, but the thought of causing damage to my liver scares me.

[Erimus]

It’s been a while since I went completely off the rails with anxiety. 

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus I hear your anxiety.  I understand why you would indeed be anxious.  You probably know a lot more about this than I do so I won't say very much about it. I only know that I was told not to eat grapefruit with Zoloft.

 

If you can get that appointment for Monday it probably would be easier on you. If at all possible perhaps you can do something to pamper yourself? Something to relax yourself? 

 

Sending you support.

 

 

[Erimus]

Thank you as always @RachelSusan. I’ve got an appointment for Monday next week. Just a shame it’s a Friday and I have to stew over the weekend. They said it’s not urgent as the doctor would’ve contacted me directly, but for someone in a really deep and anxious hole no news is good news.

 

I can’t stand being stuck in the catch-22 where I have to keep taking something clearly toxic to my body and brain. I’m sure you understand from your hellish experience with it.

[BigDave]

Hey @Erimus, good to hear from you again. Sorry I'm only commenting now. I haven't been on the site in a while and I actually only logged on because I was wondering how you were getting on.

 

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. Your scores show a great improvement since a year ago but I understand how the slow progress and seemingly backwards steps grind you down. 

It's the nature of the beast unfortunately. We just have to keep plodding away each day and keep that hope alive that one day we'll not even be thinking about it. 

 

Health anxiety is a thing for me and I completely understand why you're worried about your recent test.  Your current state also amplifies that anxiety.

 

I hope all goes well tomorrow and that nothing significant comes out of it. I had adverse liver results once when I was younger and drinking too much. Your liver can recover. Hopefully the doctor can reassure you and give you some guidance.

 

Take care mate.

[Erimus]

Thanks @BigDave. If anything I’m glad when people disappear from the site for a while, as it tends to mean they’re feeling a lot better. Thanks for coming to check in.

 

The concern with the liver results is I’m not doing anything you’d normally associate with being “unhealthy”, other than the medication (which isn’t deemed as unsafe..). Hopefully it’s just a one off and things revert to normal in a few months. Once I’m tapering off this drug my health should start to drastically improve as I get lower.

 

Sh*t happens in life and one day I’ll have moved on from this horrible state of existence I’m stuck in at the moment.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Erimus

[Erimus]

Turns out there’s nothing wrong with my liver enzyme results from the blood tests. It was the total protein result from the liver panel that was ever so slightly high. Doctor told me everything was absolutely fine and no need to worry about anything. 
 

So, Friday’s mass panic was over me hearing “abnormal liver results” and instantly catastrophising. It only takes one tiny thing and you spiral completely out of control. It’s difficult living like this but I manage it the best I can.

Edited December 12, 2022 by Erimus

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus I'm happy to hear it turned out alright. I would have been stressed hearing those words as well. Thank you for sharing the outcome with us.

[peaceandlove]

Glad to hear you’re test came back ok

[Erimus]

It’s Christmas again, and so that brings a good time for me to reflect on changes and improvement over the past 2 years.

 

Since my second big crash from Sep 22nd to Oct 10th things have been very slowly improving in the usual withdrawal way. Ups and downs as symptoms wax and wane. The important thing is it’s trending in the right direction, albeit ever so slowly.

 

Have I improved since last Christmas? Absolutely. Christmas 2020 I felt terrible but was still optimistic on how medication was going to cure me. Christmas 2021 I was at rock bottom of protracted withdrawal. I like to think by Christmas of 2023 I’m even better still, now that I know what I’m doing and how to manage my condition.

 

There’s loads of nasty cold and flu viruses circulating at the moment which makes things that little bit harder. However, after withdrawal I don’t think anything can phase you. 

 

I wish to everyone celebrating Christmas that you enjoy it the best you can, and that 2023 brings great strides in health and happiness!

[Happy2Heal]

47 minutes ago, Erimus said:

I wish to everyone celebrating Christmas that you enjoy it the best you can, and that 2023 brings great strides in health and happiness!

 Same to you @Erimus

 

Just read thru your thread and I have to say  I thought it was a typo when I got to the first time you mentioned your age (21) 

but then you went and celebrated turning 22 and I knew it wasn't a typo. 

you are quite wise and mature for your age.  

 

while it's painful to read what you've gone thru and continue to go thru, your writing is enjoyable and you make so many good points clearly and concisely.

I've always wished for that kind of clarity but  my thinking has always been a bit muddled so my writing rambles to match I guess LOL

 

 

I hope that you lots of big wide open windows in the new year.

you deserve them. you've been so patient. 

 

 

[Jools44]

@Erimus Merry Christmas 🎅 2023 is just around the corner and another year of healing and working towards a healthy and happy life awaits.

[Erimus]

@Happy2Heal The last 2.5 years has aged me beyond the arbitrary amount of time that has passed. 
 

Don’t be tricked by the cohesion of my posts aha, many of them are written days and weeks in advance of posting so they make sense. I still have lots of times where my head is muddled but it’s much clearer on the whole.

Edited December 24, 2022 by Erimus

[Erimus]

Thank you @Jools44. For many of us time is the only healer, it’s just a case of passing said time with minimal difficulty.

[Erimus]

This year I was able to enjoy a full Christmas dinner with no repercussions. Last year my digestive system was so broken I could hardly get food through me. Progress.
 

This holding is incredibly painful and challenging, but is evidently the way out of this predicament.

[eileen1111]

@Erimus Hey, I'm really happy to read that you had a better Christmas this year. Just keep going one day at a time for as long as it takes. We deserve recovery and we will get there. This time next year things will be even better.

[Erimus]

Time really is the solution in this scenario @eileen1111. Here’s to even greater progress in 2023, and hopefully getting more involved in living again.

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus

On 12/26/2022 at 3:38 AM, Erimus said:

This holding is incredibly painful and challenging, but is evidently the way out of this predicament.

This sadly is so true, however you are showing improvement. I'm glad you had a good Christmas. Wishing you the very best.

[Erimus]

Happy new year everyone. Thank God 2022 is over with.

 

2020 was terrible for many of us, 2021 was horrible for me, and 2022 was somehow even worse. I believe I’m on the upward trend now, however, and I’m looking forward to a fresh start and new progress this year.

[Faure]

Happy new year to you as well. Let’s hope you really are on an steady upward path now with many more windows than waves ☺️

[BigDave]

Happy new year @Erimus. I hope 2023 marks a great improvement for you. Take care mate. 

[Erimus]

Thanks @BigDave. The only way is up from this point out. You should update your thread with how things have progressed!

[Erimus]

I’m now 4 months on from the second big crash in my withdrawal journey. Symptoms gradually improving in windows and waves. Still struggling a lot with physical pain but getting better at managing it, as well as my current capabilities and expectations. 

 

Added a mug of bone broth to my daily routine and swapped on to magnesium glycinate (from citrate). Eating well and gaining some weight which I’m glad for.

 

Given all that’s happened I’m relatively okay with how I’m progressing. I have a loose routine each day to follow, and anything else is a bonus. I’m still rather broken but I’m more at peace with how I feel, and what is required to move forward. Onwards and upwards to 6 months post crash.

Edited February 10, 2023 by Erimus

[eileen1111]

@Erimus good to see your update!  routine is key. stability helps the nervous system heal, helps the body feel safe again. 

[RachelSusan]

@Erimus I was happy to read your post of Feb 10th. Your crash of Sept 2022 was brutal.  I am glad to see you are experiencing some improvement.  For me it always takes a long time to recover from a crash. Sometimes it is something very small the pushes us into the crash, yet the crash is big. For me it is always confusing.

 

Spring is on it's way. Perhaps the change in weather will bring much improvement.

[Erimus]

Thanks @RachelSusan. I felt the second big crash was a long time coming and I’m quite glad I’m sat here now 4.5 months out. I find 6 months is the sweet spot for me in terms of seeing significant change. I’m keen to reach the 10th of April and see where I’m at.