Erimus: my introduction and journal

[Erimus]

I haven’t had any windows where I feel completely symptom free and calm, but, I have felt things very slowly lurching forward over the last 6 months @Roserdl. I’ve got a list of symptoms that have improved or gone away since crashing in December ‘21.

 

Im holding out and waiting for a proper window. It can’t be long now. I hope.

[Roserdl]

37 minutes ago, Erimus said:

I haven’t had any windows where I feel completely symptom free and calm, but, I have felt things very slowly lurching forward over the last 6 months @Roserdl. I’ve got a list of symptoms that have improved or gone away since crashing in December ‘21.

 

Im holding out and waiting for a proper window. It can’t be long now. I hope.

Are you holding your dose while waiting to stabilize? I have talked to numerous people who were in the same situation as us and stabilized on drugs after long holds on one dose.

[peaceandlove]

1 hour ago, Erimus said:

It was in my throat and my chest @peaceandlove. Was basically constant for months on end. I went through 1-2 bottles of gaviscon a week at its worst. It improved as my nervous system calmed down. Still get it occasionally but I can eat pretty well most of the time now.

I had a anxiety/stress related indigestion problem pre-SSRI’s which has been massively flared by withdrawal, that didn’t help matters.. haha. 

yup exactly I had a indigestion problem before the ssri because of my anxiety. it was getting better with time but I got super impatient & that’s when I took the ssri pill which made it disappear but now the withdrawal is making it worse how ironic. Just gotta wait it out. Ok thanks so much again. Continue healing & i hope you have a good day 💕

[Erimus]

Yes @Roserdl. I’m waiting to stabilise on 50mg before beginning a micro taper to get me off this horrible horrible drug. Not everyone has had a reaction like me so may take them less time to reach stability. I’ve been on 50mg since September ‘21 and it’s been 7 months since crashing in December last year. I hope to be tapering by the end of the year absolute latest, but I just don’t know anymore. It’s been torturous.

[Erimus]

It’s a tough one to take when the thing designed to help turns on you @peaceandlove. I’ve had silent reflux since around July 2020 due to stress/anxiety at the time. Unfortunately my adverse reaction to sertraline and subsequent withdrawal has meant my body has never had chance to return to normal and regulate my cortisol levels etc. I know all these problems will go away once I’m stable off the drug.

 

It just takes a hell of a long time. Try not to punish yourself too much. We all make mistakes in life.

[Erimus]

I think I’m going to increase my sertraline dose. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried to tough it out. Feel like a failure but I’ve suffered for so long now, what’s the point torturing my mind and body every day if it’s unnecessary. Don’t know where to start, maybe 52.5 then 55.

[Blossom71]

Oh @Erimus

I can't offer any advice about reinstatement, but just wanted to step in and say I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Hang in there x

[Erimus]

Thanks @Blossom71. I realised I can’t change the dose anyway because I don’t have any of the necessary equipment. If I order that it forces me to wait a week or two so hopefully I’ve come to my senses by then.

[Blossom71]

3 minutes ago, Erimus said:

forces me to wait a week or two so hopefully I’ve come to my senses by then.

I understand this. When things are bad it's hard to not have a knee-jerk reaction.   Periodically I have a little toddler tantrum with myself and want to just stop them altogether. Thankfully I come to my senses too before I do that. So far.

I so hope things settle for you soon. 

[Erimus]

I’ve just unknowingly eaten a sauce with my steak that contains brandy. Hope it doesn’t impact me, haven’t touched any alcohol in 2 years. Does the alcohol in sauces reduce in strength when it’s heated? I hope so.

 

Im so careful about what I eat and drink. I’d hate to be undone by a lapse in concentration.

[Blossom71]

13 hours ago, Erimus said:

I’ve just unknowingly eaten a sauce with my steak that contains brandy. Hope it doesn’t impact me, haven’t touched any alcohol in 2 years. Does the alcohol in sauces reduce in strength when it’s heated? I hope so.

The alcohol cooks away leaving just the flavour, so you don't need to worry.

[Erimus]

Thanks @Blossom71. I think I just had a bit of a wobble the past few days. Sometimes this whole ordeal really gets to me and I lose hope and control. The non-linear nature is what really defeats me. My patience has worn thin.

[BigDave]

On 7/13/2022 at 11:59 AM, Erimus said:

Feel like a failure

Hey @Erimus mate. No matter what decision you make regarding reinstatement, you're no failure. You've been through so much and you're still fighting. That's not failure in my book.

 

10 hours ago, Erimus said:

The non-linear nature is what really defeats me.

I get this totally. Tonight I'm lying in bed exhausted with my head buzzing. Haven't felt like this in a long time.

 

It's easier said than done but keep your chin up and keep the hope alive. 👊

 

Take care.

[HealthHopeHappiness]

@Erimusyou are doing everything that you can to heal and you are anything but a failure. It is such an unpredictable and terribly unfair process. I hold hope for you that there is a even a small improvement coming your way soon. 

[Erimus]

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. @BigDave @HealthHopeHappiness.

 

When you are deep within intense suffering you cannot see beyond it. My rational brain goes out the window and I can’t imagine a life without withdrawal syndrome.

[Erimus]

I’ve come to the realisation that there’s no point torturing my body each day by forcing it to cope with 50mg sertraline. It’s evident it still wants more and it doesn’t like undoing the drug in this forceful manner. The more I come to my senses the more I think to myself, what’s the point causing myself extreme suffering when a small updose could alleviate the stress on my nervous system. 
 

I was so stubborn and angry about the drug that I was adamant in the fact I would never increase again. Now I look back and realise how stupid all this was. I should do what’s right for my body, not my ego.

 

 

[Mirtazapine20mg]

40 minutes ago, Erimus said:

The more I come to my senses the more I think to myself, what’s the point causing myself extreme suffering when a small updose could alleviate the stress on my nervous system. 

Hi E, just wanted to tell you that I updosed mirtazapine once (just 5%), and it solved most of my withdrawal symptoms in a matter of days. A couple of months later I could continue tapering in a much relaxed fashion. 

[Erimus]

Thanks @Mirtazapine20mg. I’d do it tomorrow if I could, but I don’t have any of the equipment needed to measure doses. By the time that arrives hopefully I will feel a little improved anyway, then I will decide if I will updose to 52.5 (5%).

[Erimus]

July 18th:

 

Wow. 10 months since I last changed my sertraline dose and dropped from 75 to 50mg. If someone had told me I’d still be suffering a lot in July I wouldn’t have believed them. If I knew now what I knew then I would’ve never done it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess, but what a horrific journey.

I’m probably in a similar state of suffering as I was a year ago, but I have such a deep understanding of the situation now. This time last year I still though my I was ‘mentally ill’ and that the symptoms I were experiencing were in part due to my mental state. Now I understand everything I’ve felt is drug induced. 
 

Yesterday I was thinking back to how unwell I was before starting drugs. I was crippled by health anxiety and insomnia. Despite the hell of antidepressants I’ve somehow managed to overcome all my initial anxiety and fear. I guess that’s part of the journey, you have to deal with your initial problems alongside this drug withdrawal. It’s really forced me to learn how to take care of my mental and physical health. I’ve overhauled my diet, lifestyle and expectations. Now I just need rid of this horrible drug that looms over me like a dark cloud.

[Ariel]

@Erimus

I hear you. 

I'm in a similar headspace today and don't feel like I've much to offer by way of encouragement, although I do trust that healing is happening. Healing is happening all the time, whether or not we consciously feel it. 

I wholeheartedly believe that. 

 

1 hour ago, Erimus said:

I’m probably in a similar state of suffering as I was a year ago, but I have such a deep understanding of the situation now. This time last year I still though my I was ‘mentally ill’ and that the symptoms I were experiencing were in part due to my mental state. Now I understand everything I’ve felt is drug induced. 

 

This is not nothing. Quite the contrary, actually, it's a pretty big deal to learn and know and internalize that you're not mentally ill. 

I'm taking a moment to sit with that in honor of your process. It's beautiful, really. This newfound (re-found) truth is a gift. 

 

I don't believe in glorifying suffering, nor do I subscribe to the inherent necessity/value of suffering, e.g. "I had to suffer to learn XYZ" or "sadness teaches us what joy is," etc. etc. Malarkey. (Sh*t happens; end of story. The rest is what we make of it, which may be endlessly malleable and in flux as we go.) 

 

We learn what we learn, sometimes through pleasure, sometimes through pain, sometimes by accident, or in our sleep. There are lessons that change us and accompany us for the rest of our lives. I would never suggest that your suffering has been "worth it" to discover your own innate integrity and connect with your core health. At the same time, I am glad that this learning has come to you, one way or another, and that it is now yours to keep and hold close and nurture, as it nourishes you in turn. 

 

1 hour ago, Erimus said:

Yesterday I was thinking back to how unwell I was before starting drugs. I was crippled by health anxiety and insomnia. Despite the hell of antidepressants I’ve somehow managed to overcome all my initial anxiety and fear. I guess that’s part of the journey, you have to deal with your initial problems alongside this drug withdrawal. It’s really forced me to learn how to take care of my mental and physical health. I’ve overhauled my diet, lifestyle and expectations. Now I just need rid of this horrible drug that looms over me like a dark cloud.

 

You are doing such gorgeous work, Erimus. You're on a healing journey for sure, and even though a lot of the time it may feel like the emphasis is more on the Journey bit than the healing part, I assure you that healing is happening. It's not linear (as we conceive it) and it's unpredictable and surprising and strange, but it is a process and you are moving through it with grit and grace. I admire your openness, your engagement, your dedication, your courage, all your effort. I trust that your hard work is indeed working for you and you will reap the rewards. 

 

On 7/15/2022 at 3:50 PM, Erimus said:

I’d do it tomorrow if I could, but I don’t have any of the equipment needed to measure doses. By the time that arrives hopefully I will feel a little improved anyway, then I will decide if I will updose to 52.5 (5%).

 

By the way, just a note of caution to say please confer with a mod on updose/reinstatement questions (if you haven't already done so). You're more than a year out from your last reduction and that's a lot of rough road already behind you. Even though it might seem like one single isolated decision, I'd suggest requesting guidance/perspective on the totality of your situation, in light of where you've been just as much as looking forward to where you want to be headed. It's all about trying to position oneself most advantageously (or least disadvantageously) to set oneself up for an easier (less difficult) taper when the time comes. 

 

If this dark cloud looming over us has a silver lining, your thread is certainly woven into it. 

I appreciate you. 

Hang in there, Erimus. It gets better!

In solidarity and support,

A. 

 

P.S. 

Have you noticed any difference since discontinuing the Vitamin B? 

I'm curious. 

 

[Erimus]

Thanks for the wonderful reply @Ariel. I wish I could give you a deserving response but my concentration and attention span is completely f**ked for some reason today. Considering what you’re going through you have an incredible way with words, and a kind heart to aid others through this sh*t storm.

 

Regarding the B-complex, I just completely did away with it on the 1st of July. I wish I could say some of my symptoms have gone away but they haven’t. I honestly feel no better for stopping it which is a shame. It appears that all the horrific symptoms are in fact the sh*tty sertraline’s doing. At least it’s one less thing to take/buy, that’s a small win. Next month the Ashwagandha is going in the bin, so I’m only left with the holy grail which is magnesium… haha.

 

I’m getting bad hot flashes today which is an absolute nightmare in this ‘heatwave’ in the UK. Tomorrow is projected to reach 39C here which is unprecedented. I’ve never known anything like it. Hope it’s a bit cooler where you are. My tomatoes are loving the weather at least 😂.

Remember to look after yourself, on top of everyone else!

[peaceandlove]

On 7/12/2022 at 1:30 PM, Erimus said:

It’s a tough one to take when the thing designed to help turns on you @peaceandlove. I’ve had silent reflux since around July 2020 due to stress/anxiety at the time. Unfortunately my adverse reaction to sertraline and subsequent withdrawal has meant my body has never had chance to return to normal and regulate my cortisol levels etc. I know all these problems will go away once I’m stable off the drug.

 

It just takes a hell of a long time. Try not to punish yourself too much. We all make mistakes in life.

thank you. & was your voice

effected by the reflex as well? Has it gotten better as the reflex has calmed down 

[Erimus]

My voice hasn’t been affected but I have had constant mucus in my throat every morning since July 2020 @peaceandlove. It improves once your nervous system stabilises somewhat.

[Jools44]

On 6/14/2022 at 9:48 PM, Erimus said:

Thanks @Faure. That’s good to know. There’s a lot of doom and gloom spread about so it’s good to see that there is people like you who can still function reasonably well whilst tapering a drug. 
 

Ah yes, stability, I’m not too familiar with that myself.. haha.

Hi Erimus, 

 

Just thought I share my experience of mirt withdrawal and food, in case it helps.

I had a bad withdrawal  crash followed by a bad reinstatement back in the autumn and was not in a good way. I was unaware of the effect of mirtazepine and histamine receptors (beyond the fact that its a potent antihistamine) and onyk became aware through others experiences following my crash. I didn't think (or want to think!) food was a problem until I was having a good window and within a couple of hours of eating yoghurt I found myself having major adrenaline  rushes and insomnia all night. It was very unpleasant. 

 

I battled on refusing to change my diet (although I did quit alcohol and coffee) but eventually I thought I'd give the low histamine diet a go. It took a while but I did start to feel better with it. 

 

When I started reintroducing foods (too quickly and too many!) I started to feel unwell again. Poor sleep, tinnitus, feeling spaced out. So I started the low histamine diet again and voila, within a few weeks I started to feel better. 

This could all be coincidence and it might have just coincided with my nervous system settling down, it's hard to say, but my advice would be to be aware of high histamine foods and perhaps moderate your intake. If I had been more aware back in my taper perhaps I could have aided my taper giving me the optimum chance of reducing with minimal symptoms. 

Not everyone will have issues but I think it really pays to be aware of how your food could affect you. 

Also the histamine bucket can take a little while to fill up and overflow (causing symptoms) it doesn't always happen immediately as it did that time with me. 

 

I really hope you're one of the lucky ones. I've been on this drug for 10 years so it's no wonder I've had issues with histamine. 

 

Good luck! ☺️

[Erimus]

I was planning on taking a break from SA until mid September, things were very slowly improving and I felt the best I had since April 2021 when the dose change merry go round began.

 

Then I caught covid. Today is the second day of severe symptoms. I think this is the joint most pain and discomfort I’ve ever endured in my life. The huge inflammation from the immune response has shocked my nervous system and I am in what I can only describe as hell. Last night I slept 40 mins, my legs buzzed intensely from 6pm yesterday all through the night and have not stopped this morning. Before covid my sleep was the best it has been in over a year. I have a raging fever and am taking full doses of both paracetamol and ibuprofen just to survive the high temperature and immense pain.
 

The omeprazole taper was going well, I got down to around 13mg with no symptoms. The constant state of wired and fight/flight has led to constant stomach acid production. Last night I didn’t have any tea and found myself dry heaving over the toilet at 2am due to endless stomach acid eating away my insides. I’ve gone back up to 20mg but the wired feeling has not stopped. I have to keep forcing small amounts of food down every few hours to soak up all the acid.

 

I feel so lost. This evil drug and the hell it has caused in my nervous system has led to this intense combination of withdrawal syndrome and covid.  The drug seems to have seriously weakened my immune system. Or covid is just still a really powerful virus despite people’s lack of care now
 

Sorry for the negative update.

[Erimus]

I’ll get back to you when feeling better @Jools44.

[Ariel]

@Erimus

Very sorry to read you're in such a bad way. 

What bad luck to add Covid into the mix just when you were starting to feel better. 

I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery. 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

A. 

 

[BigDave]

Hey @Erimus, sorry to hear you've got Covid mate. So far I've managed to avoid it but I have experienced similar symptoms to you when I've had the flu in the past. I was barely able to walk 6 feet to the ensuite to go to the toilet. It may hit you for 6 for a few days but these symptoms will calm down again and you'll get out the other side. 

 

So good to hear that you were sleeping better before this. Get loads of rest during and after this and I'm sure you'll be back to sleeping better soon.

 

Take care bud and let us know how you're getting on.

[HealthHopeHappiness]

Sorry to hear you have covid @Erimus. I shared many of the symptoms you are describing when I had covid in the spring. One of my worst symptoms was leg pain, twitching, buzzing and weakness. Keep hydrated, if you can tolerate it, I found hydralyte drinks helpful. Also magnesium helped too. It will pass, but that doesn’t help you right now I know. Take care, keep resting. 

[peaceandlove]

On 7/21/2022 at 12:42 AM, Erimus said:

My voice hasn’t been affected but I have had constant mucus in my throat every morning since July 2020 @peaceandlove. It improves once your nervous system stabilises somewhat.

You have been such a big help. But now I’m randomly having heartburn as well. Did you have this too?? I feel so horrible & I have stomach pains, dry retching (feeling like I wanna vommit) & no appetite 

 

also just read the posts above, I hope you feel better from covid. I had covid as well before. I’m here if you ever want to talk  

[Ariel]

@Erimus

Thinking of you <3

Hope the covid is easing steadily. 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

[Erimus]

August 7th:

 

On day 10 of covid now. Most of the nasty flu symptoms have gone, I’m just left with crushing fatigue and also feeling very detached from life. It’s that typical sort of post-viral brain fog, just escalated to 10. Covid is still a very nasty virus. I know I’m not a picture of perfect health at the moment but it’s floored me. It’s frustrating because withdrawal was starting to take a back seat and I was getting a bit more involved in life. Just seems like one thing after the next at the moment.

 

Looking forward to a break from the relentlessness of being unwell all the time, it takes it’s toll on you physically and mentally.

[Ariel]

@Erimus

What a bummer. I'm so sorry you're having to contend with this nasty virus on top of everything else. 

I am sending you hugs and all my best wishes for you to feel better soon <3

A. 

[Ariel]

Thinking of you @Erimus and sending healing vibes

[RachelSusan]

On 8/7/2022 at 7:11 AM, Erimus said:

Looking forward to a break from the relentlessness of being unwell all the time, it takes it’s toll on you physically and mentally.

@Erimus Your quote above is how I felt for many years. Yeah it takes a toll, a big one. It's just one big grind.  I don't know where you are with the Covid or with your withdrawal. I just wanted to wish you well.

[Spenitate]

Hi @Erimus I just wanted to pop in and say hello and send you my best wishes and thoughts. All I can say reading your thread is that I share so many of your feelings - the sense of betrayal by doctors, the desperate frustration that things aren’t improving, the sense of time wasting away. I don’t know if that’s a comfort but for me my only consolation at times has been knowing I am not alone in my suffering.

 

I hope you are doing ok. Xx