theelt712 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 I keep thinking about how bad the anhedonia is. And then I go on to my astrology website, read a list of transits coming up in the next year....and at 13 months-ish off, June 8th, 2014, this transit comes: "Your personal feelings, attitudes, and ideals undergo changes now. These changes are very deep, and experiences from your early life that you have forgotten about long ago are likely to surface. You are also likely to often feel overcome with unusual feelings and have no idea why you are experiencing these feelings. A wide range of feelings, such as nostalgia, euphoria, optimism, anger, or jealousy may surface. You may even be frightened by the intensity and irrationality of your own feelings. You may repress the feelings, but this will only cause the feelings to build up with greater intensity. You must have the courage to acknowledge the feelings and have enough inner strength to allow yourself to release the feelings in a positive way and try to redirect any negative feelings in a positive manner. This is easier said than done." Then I realize how unprepared I am for an emotional tidal wave. Posting this to look back in a year and see how true this is. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 Screw anhedonia. I am also getting bloated and having stomach/left quadrant pains after EATING, with gurgling. It is frightening. I miss old me. I put everyone I know through too much. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 Le sigh. That's all I am thinking right now. Le sigh. I wish I could take the word 'anhedonia' out of my vocabulary. What the hell would I call it, though? The 'Great Lebowsky' of nothingness? Jeez, that's too long. Lost in nothingland? Nahh, that's too long too. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 Starting to think I started too young. Most people my age that started these meds and developed anhedonia never recovered, even after completely stopping meds. I really do not know what to do. I just feel like crying. *sighs* I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
alex Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 On the contrary T, you have ALL your life ahead to heal and leave this chapter behind. Fear....remember? Hugs, A. PS Read poetry OUTLOUD....!! 4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months. Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.First 3 months off acute w/dProtracted w/d ever since.Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD 04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast. 3 years and 4 months off. waves and windows.Very much recovered. November 2015,health issue.Setback. Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 I will, Alex. That post made me giggle a little, I can hear someone yelling that. I realize that this is neruo emotion. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 I actually DID end up crying. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted August 4, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 4, 2013 I just got this image of you, standing on top of a mountain, with the wind blowing your hair all over the place and you are yelling your latest poem at the top of your lungs, twirling around and around, crying and laughing at the same time. Crying is good, those feelings are melting and running down your cheeks. I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 Thanks Petu, but I really feel no emotion at the moment. My mind is blank. And the fear of not recovering has been creeping in my head all morning. I just feel sorry for the people I never really expressed love to and myself, I don't know if I will be able to.... I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 My biggest fear right now is being loveless forever....I truly hope I do not end up a zombie at age 30, single, with no direction OR motivation in the world. This is no way to live, and I'm tired of living like this. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 4, 2013 Administrator Share Posted August 4, 2013 Another occasion to change the channel! Quick, bring on kittens! Worrying about something years in the future is an excellent way to make yourself miserable for no good reason. This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 A GOOD note.....the DP has been completely gone since Friday!! That's a good thing. Maybe that's why I've been so focused on my anhedonia lately. And my cat's been going crazy. I've always been an overthinker but never to this level. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 So stressed right now. On top of anhedonia, I have friends in real life that do not really want to talk to me, when I do talk to some, they do not reply. I want to reach out to people, but I feel trapped. Alone. My best friend is totally sick and 1000 miles away. Aside from anhedonia, this is complaining that I usually would do as a teenager. I don't even know what to do anymore. Luna, the kitten, is next to me and I keep petting her. I hope the day gets better. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 Just a head's up, I've been taking Flonase recently for my nose with little to no problems at all, although I wonder if it did contribute to my anxiety earlier. I have actually been forgetting to take it but it had no real SIGNFICANT effect, i.e., something that wasn't present before withdrawal. Also, I've been drinking caffeine, not in high amounts and not everyday, but some caffeine with little to no effect at all. Odd. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 Complete numbness today...complete...100%...numbness. Hasn't been this bad in a while and the stress I have been going through must be contributing to it. I miss my old me. Sigh. I'm with Luna right now. She's sleeping. It's like an eternal boredom. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Woke up this morning at 1 and felt like I had the flu. I felt colder than usual, shaking, almost vomiting, and couldn't eat or else I'd get bloated. I was exactly like this before, and it prompted me going on meds. It went away upon me waking up again but I felt like not getting out of bed. I still want to not get out of bed. The anhedonia is attacking my mind. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Things that have SUBSTANTIALLY improved since my taper and being off of Zoloft: Insomnia Hypnic Jerks Waking up shaking [mostly] Floaters [Mostly] Chest pain Muscle Twitching [Mostly] Wanting to be in bed all day Concentration Memory Issues [Mostly] Derealization [i haven't had it since Friday ] Areas that NEED TO SEE MORE IMPROVEMENT: Anhedonia PSSD Sinus Issues [Recently stopped Flonase because it wasn't working] Getting Words Mumbled Up There's not a whole lot that needs to be improved but if they were, it would be AMAZING. Even though anhedonia sucks, I am way better off than when I needed to sleep with an iPod in May because I wouldn't stop waking up without shaking and I would wake up 3-4 times a night. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Administrator Altostrata Posted August 5, 2013 Administrator Share Posted August 5, 2013 Hurray! This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner. "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein All postings © copyrighted. Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Luna's currently sleeping. I feel like all she does is sleep, LOL. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Skyler Posted August 5, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 5, 2013 Hi the... just wondering. I had a neighbor who just this week went to a poetry camp in NH. By any chance, would that be same as the one you hitched up with? Glad you are making progress, albeit slower than you would like... you got a lot of moxie for someone so young. Good on you!!! As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule. Requip - 3/16 ZERO Total time on 25 years. Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10) Total time on 25 years. Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section. "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Skyler, you're from Massachusetts, which part? And I am not in a poetry camp in NH, just here in Mass. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Skyler Posted August 5, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 5, 2013 I'm in Seekonk... near the RI line. I'm going to be moving up your way.. just not sure how far north. The choice is between Berkshire County, Pittsfield or a neighboring town, and Burlington Vt. I'm really tired of all the congestion hereabouts, not to mention the traffic, which I loathe.. and I'm not a good driver. Mountains are good! As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule. Requip - 3/16 ZERO Total time on 25 years. Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10) Total time on 25 years. Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section. "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 If you move to Pittsfield, you'll be 40 minutes away from me. What a coincidence! LOL. I wish the anhedonia and PSSD would go away along with my breathing/sinus issues. It's very mountainous here, so there's a lot of elevation. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Skyler Posted August 5, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 5, 2013 If you move to Pittsfield, you'll be 40 minutes away from me. What a coincidence! LOL. I wish the anhedonia and PSSD would go away along with my breathing/sinus issues. It's very mountainous here, so there's a lot of elevation. I'm not sure the altitude is high enough to account for your breathing issue.. though maybe it contributes to the sinus stuff. Who knows, ask someone who lives in Denver? I got a pleasant start when I saw you were from North Adams. My brother and sister are trying to get me to settle for Pittsfield because Burlington is sooo COLD! The year round average is 5 degrees colder in Pittsfield than here, and 5 degrees colder in Burlington than Pittsfield. As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule. Requip - 3/16 ZERO Total time on 25 years. Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10) Total time on 25 years. Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section. "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 I have only been here about a year, so i may still be adjusting to the atmosphere. We do have some COLD winters here, but it is beautiful in fall. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
amiss Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 So many Massachusettians! I see you're from North Adams; it's so nice there! I've done a lot of hiking round those parts. And yeah, the New England winters is one of the reason I'm going to college in Oregon. I forgot the other reasons. :/ Celexa 20 mg from December 2010 - July 2011. CT. Currently taking Buspar for anhedonia. But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more. Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Isn't Oregon a place for good college? A teacher of mine lived there a while. And IKR? Prescriptions for SSRIS get handed out like candy here so I see a lot of people I know personally coming here in the future. Hiking here SUCKS, lol, I hiked Mt. Greylock last year for our school's Mountain Day. 3 hours of brutal sweating, I'm sure I was dehydrated at the end of it. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Skyler Posted August 5, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 5, 2013 The New England winters are the reason I don't like snow birding in Florida... I miss them!!! Though I could be talked into Oregon. College out there.. sounds great. Congrats. PS.. Mt Greylock rules! As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule. Requip - 3/16 ZERO Total time on 25 years. Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10) Total time on 25 years. Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section. "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Maybe one day we'll all end up meeting up and having a success party. I can just see us all mysteriously meeting at Five Guys or something, and then we'll all be strangers engrossed in conversation and then one of us will go, "Hey, you're _____ from SA!" It would be great. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
amiss Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 Oregon's a damn good place for college but Massachusetts is like the reigning King of Higher Education. Mt. Greylock is a sweet mountain. We have to be proud of it cuz its the biggest one we got. I'm totes in for a success party at five guys. Skyler we're pretty close! I live in Douglas. Celexa 20 mg from December 2010 - July 2011. CT. Currently taking Buspar for anhedonia. But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more. Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Skylar might be close to me pretty soon. Sounds pretty fun. Five Guys, here we come! About a year from now. LOL. Mt. Greylock is the highest point in MA and I've been on top of it twice, probably a third time sometime this October, almost 5 months off [damn, is it that close?]. I hope my anhedonia will at least IMPROVE by then so I can stand on top of Mt. Greylock like this: I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Watched a video that didn't make me feel deep emotion but brought a tear to my eye because of how horribly sad it was. Then I listened to my iPod, a song came up about drugs, and my first thought was, "NOPE!", otherwise I might begin to cry. So I shut it off. Might this actually be happening? I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Good morning, friends. Poetry camp today. I can't wait to see what new ideas pop up into my head today. You know? Feeling sleepy, I wonder if I will be a success story. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I hate this 'not knowing' ****. I hate not knowing if I will be a lifeless zombie for the rest of my life, and I hate not knowing if I will ever recover from this mess. I'm doing what I can. I just want a way out of this BS. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Skyler Posted August 6, 2013 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted August 6, 2013 I hate this 'not knowing' ****. I hate not knowing if I will be a lifeless zombie for the rest of my life, and I hate not knowing if I will ever recover from this mess. I'm doing what I can. I just want a way out of this BS. Well, virtually every poster on this sites' experience goes to say you won't... The odds are all in your favor and I'd be dumbfounded were you not to recover completely (less a sensitivity to WD from other psychotropics in future) As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule. Requip - 3/16 ZERO Total time on 25 years. Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10) Total time on 25 years. Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section. "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin Link to comment
theelt712 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I do not plan on going back on meds. I'd be dumbfounded to, to be honest..I'm 15, I should not have to deal with this crap. I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 2.1 years off of medication. "If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me. I found no angels...I found myself." Link to comment
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