☼ theelt712: tapering off Zoloft

[theelt712]

I am in so much muscle pain that it feels flu like, I do not have a fever, but my now ex boyfriend has the stomach flu and I hope that I do not have it. My left arm feels like it has a muscle torn in it and when I move, my body gets this harsh pinching pain in my left side that is excruciatingly severe. It radiates at times and I hope it is not something rupturing. It all scares me. The pain and weakness can not be helped by Vitamin Water and it scares me to think it could be a heart problem or something. Uggh. The pain...it went away and came back worse..

[theelt712]

You know, I wish I was older. I wish that I was older so I would have more of a chance at recovering, rather than having taken this very short term at 15 and having screwed my whole life up thanks to not doing enough research.

[amiss]

Sorry i havent replied to your pm, im kind of busy running around at college, but just know that im in the same boat. and maybe in a few years research will unveil some treatment options; if not we are lucky to have several things that do work

[theelt712]

I have no idea but I do not want to live like this. In pain now, constant aching and anhedonia, the world is hopeless.

[theelt712]

I cannot stop crying. I had a breakdown this morning, and it culminated when my iPod smashed ontop of all the other crap I am going through. I am not sure my mom wants to try anymore, and of course not, it is not her fault, it is mine and mine alone if I am like this for life. It is hell. I just do not see a point. I will never forgive myself. I am useless. My mom wants me in a mental hospital or with a bunch of psychiatrists. She called crisis intervention.

[alex]

Theelt, you MUST control yourself, or things are going to get worse.

You have seen improvement;expecting to feel perfectly is unrealistic.

Hang in there.It is a matter of time and lots of guts.

 

I am in the fight also.Help me out.

 

Hugs, A.

[theelt712]

Alex, you are doing fine. *hugs* Probably better than me.

[amiss]

You can cry so much? You're lucky in that aspect. I need a great great deal of 'sorrow' to get just a modest production of tears. And it feels like alligator tears, like they're just coming out without emotion accompanying them. Do you feel that too?

 

If you can feel one extreme then you have capacity to feel the other, that's a rule I go by. 

[theelt712]

I bawl my eyes out almost daily, amiss. I do not know if there is emotion accompanyaning it, there may be. I do not feel it but thinking about certain things set me off. Sometimes I just straight up cry until I can't breathe.

[alex]

 

If you can feel one extreme then you have capacity to feel the other, that's a rule I go by. 

 I absolutely agree with amiss; I, for example, lost the capacity of crying...at least for now.

Crying is good T;feeling sorry or guilty about yourself is not.

You are a very brave  young lady, who is putting a courageous fight.

It will get better; I promise.

 

Hugs,A.

[theelt712]

*hugs* What a weird day in the world of ELT. I actually found myself daydreaming about teaching an English and History class, like old me would do. I found myself not really feeling the air and the chilly Septemberness of Massachusetts, but I found myself liking it quite a bit. It felt kinda refreshing. The head buzzing has come back a bit though, and I think it is something in my brain reconnecting. It is nothing less than annoying. Something felt elevated in my mood, but still terribly blunted. I found myself kinda wanting my bus ride to be longer so I could look outside and listen to music on my really cracked iPod. Luna, my house kitten, is trying to attack the tablet I am writing this on so I can cuddle with her. Yesterday morning, when I felt like crap, she came and nozzled under my arm. In music class yesterday, I liked a song I listened to. Not a whole lot, but enough to keep my head bobbing. Muscle cramps are intermittent, as well as GI issues. My stomach cramps and hurts in areas.

[theelt712]

I keep fantasizing about being normal. I remember feelings and get about a 10% inkling about how they felt. Sigh. I mapped out every major phase of my life, about every two years, something major happens that is devastating. Two years passed, this medication thing is right on time. If and only if this is on track, I should expect this over with in three yearsish. Just in time for college. I do not know if I am willing to wait that long.

[theelt712]

Thinking about all the feelings that I miss, and then I exhale a long sigh. "Maybe someday.", I think to myself.

[theelt712]

Elevated and blunted. That is how I feel right now. Awake and excited but at a blunted level. Even when I read sad things, I cannot cry. It is an odd place in my mind to be. I woke up this morning and had a few seconds of feeling good, almost like I used to. Had odd dreams, sexual in nature, that brought some sensation with it. Odd. Getting my hair straightened today- it sounds exciting. I miss my old feelings. But it is the snapshots of feeling I hold onto.

[theelt712]

I am tired, my face is hot despite being in a cold room, and I feel numb. Not to mention my stomach is acting up again. Uggh.

[theelt712]

I am really tired, feeling kinda weak and would benefit greatly from sleep. I have been waking up feeling weird the past few nights, I wonder if that has to do with it. I have been DRing a bit today and that unfortunately does not help. My left side of face has been tingly and I have getting stuff mixed up, even as I type this. I hope something terrible is not wrong, but I am too tired to think.

[theelt712]

Had another dream, another dirty one, that returned about 10% sensation to me. I wonder if this is a PSSD improvement or setback. At one point, I had around 45% sensation returned and now it is gone, I do not know why recovery is like that. I had a vivid dream that I was at college, I had skipped school to go here, and that I was watching two comedy specialists preform standup. I had one girl ask me to get pizza with her and I kindly obliged. I noticed that the zaps and floaters, as well as outer eye visuals have gone more and more the further away from Zoloft I have gotten. I did not notice this until last night.

[theelt712]

Today, I feel hopeless. I decided upon something: if I am still like this in two years of waiting it out, two and a half if there are good windows, I will take another course of action regarding recovery, be it taking another med, supplement, or otherwise. This is a while from now, so there is still time for things to get better without taking anything.

[theelt712]

Very tired, very early tonight. The lights are dim, as is the night, and my mother is already asleep.The anhedonia today is at a ten, I just feel perpetually ok with everything and I do not get it. It is the most baseline I have been in a while. This is how it goes: hopelessness, bawling, elevation, breakdown, repeat. It is so annoying because I have seen improvement everywhere else except this area. I realized yesterday that I am much more able and much more firm in my ability to write and articulate my experiences, just like I used to. Hell, my breathing has even slowed down to somewhere near normal during parts of the day. My GI issues were at a minimum today. Why isn't the anhedonia improving? I just do not get it. I got the idea for a new story yesterday, as vivid and clear in my mind as it could be with a concise beginning, middle, and end for the first time since February! That is an improvement. Words are not just words anymore, they fly off the page and are reality.

[theelt712]

This is why I do not get the anhedonia.

[alex]

Anhedonia "seems" to persist longer.

I can tell you that;but even that gets slowly better.

Cherish the moments when you feel better;it is important for your soul-body.

[theelt712]

Believe me, I can not wait!

[theelt712]

Went to my med eval and basically "yes" ed them to death so they could shut up. They said Prozac works better for anxiety than depression, and that the meds that work best for anxiety are antidepressants. They acted like they were life or death meds. I did not get a script for anything, and even if I did, I would have thrown them in the trash.

[theelt712]

I am done trying. It is all getting to me, I tried explaining to my mom all of this and she is heartbroken because she tries to make me happy. She thinks I use my Zoloft use as an excuse to be numb but all I do is try. And we argued to the point where I said that I want to live alone. And now she is hurt even more. She is starting not to care anymore and I do not blame her. She deserves better for a daughter. Everyone deserves better than me. I wish I could go back. I cannot stop crying because everyone I love is hurt. I just do not want to be in pain anymore,I hate seeing everyone I love suffer because of it. I hate myself. I do. I just want to feel. I expressed my appreciation but I am still numb. And I do not want to be much longer.

[alex]

T, DON'T expect people to understand what is happening to you because they won't understand.

The most important person in this process is YOU.

Focus on your recovery;focus on the improvements, not the setbacks,be gentle to yourself;DON'T blame yourself.

Be sellfish in a positive way.(I wish I could speak better english)

"la paciencia es un àrbol de raìces amargas pero de frutos muy dulces" "patience is a tree with bitter roots but very sweet fruits"

 

You are a very bright and sweet young lady; and  like the song from the musical The Man from La Mancha, we are the few who "run where the brave dare not go..."

 

Hugs, A.

[theelt712]

I am in so much pain....and I do not give a damn about anything.

[alex]

You are angry; it's normal and it's ok.........

 

But PLEASE don't forget what I'm teling you now:you will heal.

And do you know why I'm telling you this? Because I am healing!!

Yes, after 4 years of 150mg of Effexor, I am healing.

It has taken 13 loooong months to get out from the most terrifying hell, that almost killed me....

But I want to tell you and everybody that in the last 2 months I've seen such improvement that I know I am in a point of no return regarding healing.

I know I am not out of it yet;but I've seen such a change that is amazing.

I can put it like this: just 4 months ago doom and dread was:80% hope and well-being:20%

Today I can certainly say that doom and dread are 30% and hope and wellbeing (clear windows) 70% and sometimes more.

And I am a 60 yrs man with a LOT of problems.......but I want to live!!!

I am sorry that I cannot express myself as I would like to, but one of these days I'm gonna give you an update.

 

My message: hang in there, have faith, patience and courage and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

From the "steaming jungles of Central America", hugs and healing vibes to you

[Petunia]

Alex is right about other people not being able to understand.  Of course your Mom wants you to be happy, but its impossible to fix a problem if you don't understand the problem.  But its not your fault and its not your responsibility to make her understand.

 

I understand that need to try to explain it to people, because we feel so alone in this and just want some kind of validation and connection, but there is none to be had from anyone who hasn't experienced this.  So be kind to yourself.

 

Not giving a damn about things for a while is good.  Direct all that caring energy towards yourself where it's most needed.

[theelt712]

Thank you, everyone. Having a semi normal day with blunted emotions and a slow moving day. I begin debate club today.

[theelt712]

Today was, aside from a rather annoying argument, rather mundane. It was picture day at school, a day that I tried annoyingly to make my hair work out. It was almost like I could feel myself slipping into almost normal. I had a second flashback today, this time with feeling. It was of me, watching Dallas with a cup of tea, feeling mild comfort. It was fleeting, forty seconds long, but it consumed my thoughts and made it impossible to focus on anything else. Today, oddly, is pretty much the most "almost normal" life has been since March, aka pre med. It is rather encouraging.

[alex]

. Today, oddly, is pretty much the most "almost normal" life has been since March, aka pre med. It is rather encouraging.

 

GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

[theelt712]

After that, I was having seriously BAD DP. Like, "I feel like I am on acid, please help me goodness" DR. I mean, bad DR. I do not understand. Sometimes, things improve and then suddenly get worse,and I am SO scared of the 5-9 month stage. I do not want to be at home, unable to function and do schoolwork, and having to repeat a grade.

[alex]

Waves and windows.....waves and windows............

 

For what I know you are barely 80 days med. free; I am starting to have very clear windows 400 days after my last dose of Effexor.

Be patient T.

[theelt712]

I am almost 100 or so days off...

[theelt712]

Some feeling is good feeling. I had some moments of almost feeling in history class when we watched 9/11 footage, particularly of a woman jumping out of one of the buildings. It made my stomach drop a little bit, and I felt mild stomach dropping. Also, I was daydreaming and felt about 20% euphoria because I was having happy thoughts. I am currently feeling 20% nervous because of a text my best friend said, my stomach being weird and feeling breathless upon exertion, left sided pain and obsessive thoughts about health. But some feeling is good feeling. I also had brain zaps today, ouch.

[theelt712]

My mom is about to go on an SSRI. Really? I mean, after what I have gone throug and what I am going through and what people like Iggy and everyone have gone through, I feel like a failed human. She was diagnosed today, and I am trying my damn best to keep her off of meds, no matter what the cost. She told me that it was not my choice, and I recognize that it is not. But, knowing you all, I do not want THIS to happen to her. If the meds poop out in 10-15 years, she may find this site, see my journals and discover I was right all along and then ask whoever is on here now for help. I have tried.