☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Btdt, that gave me a good laugh! I don't think you are 'too cynical to live' I think you are just the right amount of cynical for all that you have been through! As for me and therapy, I just don't know right now. I just spent a whole hour talking to a person who just may very well be the nicest guy on the planet and I could not WAIT to get off the phone!

 

I was in the middle of writing a post and when I came back to the computer my post was gone. So I went back to the thread where I knew it should be and it did not post so I began it again. In the middle of writing it I had this weird feeling that I had already written it and must have posted it in the wrong thread. I was just going to start a search of my postings for today when I looked at the bottom of my posting window and saw the words "View Auto Saved Content". OMG! I had been writing the post and sure enough there it was. The site had saved it the whole time! I had even closed the window on it but it remembered me and saved me from having to try to remember what I wanted to say.

 

I have had enough for today, I had come back to my thread to write about how angry I was about everything that has happened and I saw the note about cynicism and it all evaporated. Oh well, it will be back tomorrow, no doubt. I am an angry person, I just don't have much else but anger and tears in my repertoire and it is getting tiresome. I want to be done.

[btdt]

Ha magic you have a magic way with computers is all I can say my posts do all kinds of magic too but never the good type... 

 

I am glad the anger went away maybe some of my post do some good after all 

 

As for the nicest guy on earth bringing on itchy feet.. I know it well... I can't stand too nice guys... I need something interesting.. especially if they are just talking not rubbing my feet or something... that just hit me funny and I am laughing as long ago I had a guy who always wanted to rub my feet and I never let him...lol.

I was being a wise ass... trying at least and the truth would not let me.  Everything including the sun and stars have to line up before I want a guy to rub my feet so you can just imagine how tricky sex would be...lol no wonder I am celibate.... this is nothing new... except for use of certain drugs.. then all bets are off and look out... but those days are done no more ssri drugs for me. Lordy life should not be this friggin complicated at this age... some things should be figured out.. seems I just keep figuring things out.. I have a figuring life.. me too I want it done. 

 

Wishing you peace  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I know what it is:

 

"Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again."

 

The rest of the lyrics don't really describe it because the darkness is anhedonia back again. No pleasure, no joy, no wanting to do anything but "wanting to want to". Tired of sitting on computer all day but can't get excited about anything. Gaining weight again, was so demoralized by the fact that exercise had no effect on my weight at all that I gave up, not in defeat but anger. Angry at my aging body, not its fault really.

 

I want a clean house, had even started on it but gave up in anger and frustration because it tired me out and is too big a job. A lot involves home repair and I just can't do that anymore (or not yet?)

 

All that chronic lack of sleep for the past year has caught up with me, I feel tired all of the time. Sleep is not refreshing. I am stopped in my tracks because no one really needs me and what I do manage to do is not good enough for me.

 

And don't tell me me 'but your mother needs you' because that doesn't cut it and makes things worse. I have never been able to make myself matter to 'me'. Always outward looking for approval and inwardly self and other disapproving, it is all that I know. No wonder drugs looked so attractive, too bad they don't work.

 

I feel another crap day coming on. I hope the nice guy does not call, it feels wrong for someone to be interested in me, they are cheating themselves when they pick me. I am sure no one here has a clue as to what I am talking about and cannot relate. As a mod I can speak from my experience with the drugs and other stuff that I have learned and the ugly feelings and thoughts but I don't have access to the good stuff, the life changing insights. I can hold your hand and tell you it will be all right because it happened to me: it was blissful when wd syndrome faded away but that honeymoon only lasted about a month before it fell apart. Was a great month, though. Filled with perfume and listening to old songs in the car and watching all the "Air Crash Investigation" vids on youtube because they did not give me nightmares and because I just COULD darn it! No more HGTV and Pawn Stars only for distraction because they were safe and non violent, not because I particularly liked them.

 

I am an ungrateful and unhappy camper today even though a nice man agreed to have coffee with me and another man kept me on the phone for over an hour hoping to fix me. It was not enough. Where do you get 'enough'?

[btdt]

I have come to love that word "ENOUGH" 

I could not spell it when I was a kid and my sister would hit me and say pay attention.. and repeat the word... I was a brat for sure and would rather fool around that do homework.  We talked about it at a family party how she would hit me and say repeat it ... as she spelled the word. 

 

It is an amazing word as it can mean so many things and it is about setting personal boundaries or has become that for me... I have had enough... when putting up a barrier to self or others. 

I am enough seems a bit alien to me too I think it is because I spent so many years drugged as I do recall a time of being completely enough and balanced... it was a long time ago but it was very real.  I have had stints of this since getting off drugs too.. windows are beautiful... when in them I am often enough as it no longer takes as much to  please me having seen the dark side of life thru the eyes of wd. 

 

Don't be too surprised to learn your not even alone in this:  

ha I was going to go back and copy a thing I had too.. the not wanting to be with a man as I would be a burden.. can't carry my own side of things... plus others...

I was going to go back and pick that one but I read them all and they ALL apply. 

 

So I could just say ditto cause I am a lazy cow... or could that be a reference to house keeping... eeegad I can't be sure it fits so many places. 

 

I hate the down turns and that is what waves are downturns back to the places we know.. that I now expect. I think it is a new skill to learn how to adjust to these changes that come out of no where and change our perspective so much it feels like we are not longer the same person.  

 

I know it well I hate it.  I think it should have fing stopped by now... why hasn't it?! 

 

So what to do about it... adjust over and over again start things that you have to let go as you no longer care when it hits including friendships and all sorts of other things. If it is cycle one would be tempted to say bipolar or some other label well I have had ENOUGH OF LABELS  I am not donning a new one to suit anyone outside myself or my miserable side of myself either both can go to he double hockey sticks. It is not going to happen and don't you do it either. 

 

I know this routine and I will tell you all this crap and it is crap will leave you just the way it came.. it will leave and you will be back to a window again... when I don't know but if you had one you WILL have more. 

 

One of the worst things in withdrawal for me and that is saying a lot ... 

was when I had a such a wonderful window.. for a few months or maybe 2 months it was early on before 18 months all life came back I was sure I had made it out fine.. I was planning the relaunch of my life as everything had changed and I was dependent... I could not wait. 

The bottom dropped out with a long wave at 18 months... it was the worst as I had a taste of the sun... oddly enough it hit me harder than not having a taste it was like a tease... I hated that...so much. 

Things did improve after months... and I was getting there slowly till the car accident .. then surgery. 

 

I want to say this to you as I know you don't have the benefit of experience... however you get thru this wave you will get thru it... watching crap tv shows I do it to.. is not the worst of this...tho it eats at me too... to not have a real choice.  The longer I deal with all of this and see similarities in how it goes down the more I think it has nothing much to do with my own psychology as it does with the chemical structure of the drug (s) I have taken and how they have changed my body/brain.  A lot of the fallout we can blame on other stuff ... not good enough for a man ect  comes from what we now have to deal with all the stupid effects of drugs... maybe I am copping out maybe I am making it too simple but I have tortured myself ENOUGH in therapy jumped thru so many hoops done this therapy and delve into my psychi so much... only to come here and find you right were I am and we have one thing in common... here I am being the the bad seed again... down on therapy... well... so what.... 

 

this is what I see with my own eyes and my own life ...

I have had ENOUGH  of seeing things thru other peoples eyes doctor society and you know what when the **** hits the fan... they are not there I am there... and I have had ENOUGH  of their eyes and their view from their ivory tower of no windows and waves. 

 

I think it is more our chemical soup we call self and yes I know that may take away some of what we call our unique human make up... I don't care I am going to call a spade a spade when I see a spade and I see a spade here. 

 

I am raging against the machine sure I am ... do people who do that come to a no good end.. I don't know maybe... is there any other path for me.. nope there isn't not if I am going to be able to stand myself at all in windows and waves and all other places in life ... 

 

I know what I know I see what I see.  

One thing this has taught me is if you are the least bit wobbly in what you believe something or somebody will come in and suck the life out of you with their own agenda... I have had ENOUGH OF THAT...come what may I am going to be me whatever that means whatever that brings. 

 

I have gone off on a tangent... I am sorry if this in any way does not apply to you... but the reason I did it is because I think it has everything to do with you.   Now don't let me swoop in and plant this in your mind cause your wobbly just now... take it and shake the crap out of it try it one dirty it up hang it in the brilliant sun shine try it... for me it stands up to the wash test if it doesn't for you then throw it out... this is mine sight line not yours but it may fit if it does wear it with my blessings. 

 

I wish you peace

[btdt]

Today I have one mission that has nothing to do with being here that is to shower... this is my life. 

Do you see me?  

This is how it is and when we can't change something we can still make a change... for me that will be a shower that is how I am right now... all this time later should bring me some reward and it did it brought me my view you see above nothing compared to what it took but it is mine and I will keep it close cause it is real. It is my real my truth for me. I have earned it too the hard way which is apparently the only way I know of doing anything. 

 

I wish you peace I know where you are I see you... as in the way of Cameron's movie no I can't think of the name but I liked it. 

peace

[btdt]

ps seems I am not done... sorry this is so long...

I hate to see you take the crap and own it when it is a drug issue... as there is ENOUGH to own without it.. I had a better idea when I came back by it slipped away like a wet fish... sorry peace

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

slips away like a wet fish, yeah that's where all my fleeting 'good' feelings go. 

 

I really don't like being so nagative.   <----- wait, that is supposed to be 'negative' but I like 'nagative' better!

[btdt]

I know seems we have too much in common so do others going thru this and we have nothing in our pasts alike other than drug use... that is the point. 

NOBODY likes it this is part of it.  The negativity the being stuck... I am going to shower then maybe a walk if I can force myself and it will be forcing myself. 

It is the chemical soup of our brains with Ad wd stirred in... crappy spice that Ad wd. getting it out of the mix is a long term issue for me at least.. still working on it ... after all this time I still get stuck. 

Doing this has budged me to move... to do something. anything the old helping others helps us... I guess...

peace

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

How hard can this be? I have had this thread for going on 3 years now, starting 4 soon and I have been unable to post anything and I am dying for needing someone to talk to, even if it is only anonymous strangers.

 

I am lonely and I am desperate to make some kind of connection with a man and it is killing me, why is this happening to me? Why was it not enough to have recovered from the horrors of withdrawal syndrome? I want to belong to someone, to know that someone thinks of me and I think of him. It is awful, being in this house day after day with my mother. Only her and her silence.

 

I lost another customer this week, the person died.

 

I have no clue how to fix this, it won't go away and I am stuck, I cannot move. I am tired of crying tears of no relief. I am so tired of me.

[Rhiannon]

How hard can this be? I have had this thread for going on 3 years now, starting 4 soon and I have been unable to post anything and I am dying for needing someone to talk to, even if it is only anonymous strangers.

 

I am lonely and I am desperate to make some kind of connection with a man and it is killing me, why is this happening to me? Why was it not enough to have recovered from the horrors of withdrawal syndrome? I want to belong to someone, to know that someone thinks of me and I think of him. It is awful, being in this house day after day with my mother. Only her and her silence.

 

I lost another customer this week, the person died.

 

I have no clue how to fix this, it won't go away and I am stuck, I cannot move. I am tired of crying tears of no relief. I am so tired of me.

 

CW, I wish I had a consoling answer, I don't, I just can so relate. I have developed some really nice friendships but it's very hard being single in this world.

 

There are times when I feel better about it and times when I feel worse about it and even some times when very rarely I think of something good about it but mostly it just sucks.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks, Rhi. I just don't want to be so single anymore and it is just killing me because I can't do anything about it. I am at the mercy of other people. That is what really makes me angry, the having to wait on other people.

 

I'd like to say I'll do anything to make this feeling go away but I don't even know if that is true. I just want it to go away so I can move - do something! It is worse than anhedonia, it is more like my spirit has given up and I can't make it come alive for anything. I'm going through the motions, I won't go outside or to the gym. I went out on a date last week, nothing came of it. I've tried to get more, the dating site is no help. I am craving contact and angry I can't do one darn thing to make it happen. So I want it to go away.

 

Does this happen at this point in withdrawal? Where are the people that could tell me this goes away? I want to die, well not really, I want this pain to go away and leave me alone.

 

I decided to take my dating profile down. Maybe that will fix this.

[Wildflower0214]

I think it is very normal to feel this way CW. I empathize with you. I feel the same way. But, I know I need to really work out the stuff that led me to the drugs in the first place before I get into a relationship, because if I don't, I will eventually sabatoge the relationship anyways. And, that would bring more hurt. Also, I have come to a place that I really want a friendship with a guy first. I want to know them, and for them to know me. I want to know them long enough to talk about what has happened to me in WD. I don't just want to start dating someone right away. This, for me, never works out well.

 

I don't know if any of that made any sense at all, but I do empathize with you. And, I hope more than anything, you find the healing you so crave.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks JDM and what I really want is a guy that is a friend first, not just to jump into a relationship. I want to be cared for and cared about. My mother recently said and did some not very nice things, not really any different from the usual but it hurt me to the core and brought up all this stuff again, the not caring. I think that is why I am hurting so badly.

 

It is my inability to move in ANY direction that has me so upset. Can't move out of it, can't move away.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I do my best thinking in the shower and while driving. Had the shower, the drive is next. A while back I became aware of something in the way I was raised that I could see affected every area of my life. I have been doing a lot of reading about 'healing attachment syndrome' and that may be what is happening. A site I found tells me that the first step often involves (after you see the problem) releasing the anger you have about how the problem occurred. My parents not giving me 'secure attachment'. Boy I sure have been angry, it is positively boiling up out of me with no end. But there is no outlet for it, it is just this impotent rage and frustrated tears that come after thinking about it over and over again.

 

The basic problem is, I understand now, that what I had all those years I spent out of the dating scene was a holiday, it did not fix anything because the need for attachment is a basic human 'thing' (I am not overly fond of my 'humanness') and you don't outgrow it. Right now I don't have the ability to sublimate it into a hobby or interest, nothing is working and I am having to face it head on and just like wd syndrome, it will let go when IT decides to let go, not because I want it to.

 

Time to start interviewing therapists.

[btdt]

Thanks JDM and what I really want is a guy that is a friend first, not just to jump into a relationship. I want to be cared for and cared about. My mother recently said and did some not very nice things, not really any different from the usual but it hurt me to the core and brought up all this stuff again, the not caring. I think that is why I am hurting so badly.

 

It is my inability to move in ANY direction that has me so upset. Can't move out of it, can't move away.

I have been feeling completely stuck to CW can't get beyond some things and feel completely stuck... as for relationships I feel autistic .. I can't attach to people either and I am not seeing any of the history in my that you speak of. 

I have been thinking this is just the way I have been since drugs... I have not lived with a man or had a really serious relationship since I started them.... my need for attachment went out the window.  I was thinking it was just the drugs then feeling so crappy in wd who wants to relate... really sex is out too much crap around that issue orgasm headaches neuro emotions and I had gyno surgery... 

 

Like the deck is stacked against it guess I had a vacation too and it is not over yet.  I kind of feel I am completely changed and this is the new me I have to work with I am not thinking it can be changed with therapy in my case I hope it works for you if that is what you want I wish you well. 

peace

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Darn it btdt, I was hoping you would tell me that I am right on schedule and that this is a phase that will pass. I am getting so nervous when I think that this is all there is, that I am done for. Do you know that if I do not post on this board that many days I have no one to talk to? My mother certainly never talks and if she does what is likely to come out is something designed to be hurtful.

 

Time for more reading I guess. Good thing I have always been a reader. I have a therapist I am going to call tomorrow, have to leave the house to have some privacy. I am really getting so very tired of thinking about myself and my misery all of the time. Sure would be nice talking to someone else for a change.

[WiggleIt]

JDM and CW, I don't have the same background that you guys do, but it seems to me that working on the stuff that got you into the meds in the first place seems like a sound idea.  Or, at least, working on that stuff simultaneously as you explore opportunities with new people and new dates.

Also, CW, you have recovered from such an intense amount of stuff with WD that I really believe you can and will recover from all else, whether it means more time, or whether it means creating new emotional coping strategies for yourself.

 

btdt, If you were not this way before the meds, then it is likely that you will not stay this way after the meds.

 

[WiggleIt]

Honestly, peeps, if you are able to go on dates at all, then it sounds to me like that is something in and of itself to be grateful for.  I'm in such physically bad shape that I can't imagine a day where I will ever be functional enough to even meet someone for coffee for an hour.  Christ, I can't even put on make-up or style my hair from lack of motor control.

I'm proud of you, CW.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

WI, that is just precious and how right you are. I have been wallowing in my pain and forgetting that I have actually had 4 dates for coffee with 4 nice men in less than 6 months. According to the scoop on OLD, that is a great response. Regardless of the fact that none led to second dates.

 

I have 2 things going on, it is not all the dating. It is continuing wd 'stuckness' AND the thing that drove me to seek AD's to begin with, inability to control my life. I can't control anything yet and I think I should be able to.

 

By the way, WI, how did you get to be so wise? You are so much further along in this than I am, I am envious. You see the bigger picture, I am down wallowing on the floor with the hogs.

[WiggleIt]

Ha!  I'm only wise when it comes to other people.  I spend a lot of time weighing whether physical or emotional disability is "worse," only to realize they all present their own special tortures.  The fact is that I don't know what it's like to come from an emotionally complex background, so I really can't speak to what it's like to have had emotional numbness precede the meds, but I have read your thread and what I see is a bright, smart, strong person who is able to survive so much.  What that says to me is that you can and will survive this; you already have a leg up because you ARE working to explore reasons for your lack of emotional connection.  

Maybe it's partly old problems, and partly withdrawal numbness, but that's still not bad news: if it's WD, you already know that WD symptoms eventually disappear, because you've already HAD wd symptoms disappear.  If it's old problems cropping up again, then the good news is that NOW is your opportunity to learn to reclaim your life and solve those problems without the fake promise of chemicals.  It just sounds like good news to me either way.

Plus, even in WD, the grass is greener, isn't it?  I can't swallow solid foods, or walk, and have lost large and fine motor of my arms and legs, and I suffer myoclonic jerks, brain fog, and episodes of near-catatonia, so I can't help but be envious that you are able to go out on dates.  I'm here in my house, being like, "Snap!  Will I ever get to go on a terrible date again???"

Also, one of my academic fields of study is (was) Disability Studies, so I can't help but point out to people how blessed they are when their physical bodies work and I try to encourage people who do have their physical health to try to use it as an inspirational springboard from which to heal their emotional health.  Hopefully, I don't come off like one of those annoying, "Count your blessings" lecturers, but we probably really do need to count our blessings, even me.  

I guess the biggest irony is that I never knew I myself would become so physically disabled (from TCAs and benzos) that I would no longer be able to study the topic academically.   

[Wildflower0214]

Wiggle, Just for the record... I couldn't go on a date if someone paid me a million dollars. I just got to the point I can speak to my close friends over the phone without having a panic attack. I won't be dating for YEARS!!!

 

 

CW...I hope you find a good guy friend. maybe one who has some growing to do himself, so he's not pushy with a time frame. Sometimes, those are the best kinds of relationships.

[Wildflower0214]

Thanks JDM and what I really want is a guy that is a friend first, not just to jump into a relationship. I want to be cared for and cared about. My mother recently said and did some not very nice things, not really any different from the usual but it hurt me to the core and brought up all this stuff again, the not caring. I think that is why I am hurting so badly.

 

It is my inability to move in ANY direction that has me so upset. Can't move out of it, can't move away.

I know the feeling. I'm stuck living with my mother for a long time. My finances have been destroyed by this situation. And, I can't get away from her, which makes all of this even harder to cope with. You will find a path to move forward. Everytime I think there is no way out, or that this will never change, it does eventually. Therapy will help you navigate through it. I have a lot of hope you can heal.

[WiggleIt]

Wiggle, Just for the record... I couldn't go on a date if someone paid me a million dollars. I just got to the point I can speak to my close friends over the phone without having a panic attack. I won't be dating for YEARS!!!

 

 

CW...I hope you find a good guy friend. maybe one who has some growing to do himself, so he's not pushy with a time frame. Sometimes, those are the best kinds of relationships.

 

Well, JDM, considering the fact that you and I are apparently the smelliest members on this site, maybe we should just date each other!!!

[btdt]

Darn it btdt, I was hoping you would tell me that I am right on schedule and that this is a phase that will pass. I am getting so nervous when I think that this is all there is, that I am done for. Do you know that if I do not post on this board that many days I have no one to talk to? My mother certainly never talks and if she does what is likely to come out is something designed to be hurtful.

 

Time for more reading I guess. Good thing I have always been a reader. I have a therapist I am going to call tomorrow, have to leave the house to have some privacy. I am really getting so very tired of thinking about myself and my misery all of the time. Sure would be nice talking to someone else for a change.

I feel a lot the same lately shut in and not talking much to anyone.  Since I am getting the boot out of where I live and feel offended by it and pressured... I don't want to talk to them very much if at all.  I think I have withdrawn even more if that is possible.  Could be the health issues I am battling lately to there have been so many things.. one after the other then they all piled on top of each other.  Then the boot....hard to say I don't want to talk to a lot of people and find my mind slipping gears and not retaining what they say when I do talk to people I come off as an idiot maybe best to stay in for a bit and see if this storm just passes over. I am waiting on apts just in case but hope it all just goes away. 

I think the big difference between you and I at this point is you feel physically and mentally able to have a relationship... I just don't.. if anything it has fallen further down the list these last couple of years.  

I would rather stay in my room then go on a date... there is even a widower who's daughter had dropped some hints of how lonely he is.. I am just not up to it. 

I did shower today and I am **** was trying to get to bed before 3am but it is already 250 seems I have fallen into a pattern here... I got to bed at 3am even if I don't sleep till 5am.. it is what I do.. was going to try for a change. 

I am sorry I let you down with that timeline CW please keep in mind at 4 years 1 month off effexor I was in a car accident and 5 months later had surgery... had infections and complications that year last year lost my sister and brother in law.

They are all excuses maybe but it could be I am just set back by it all and your right on track... maybe by now I would be off and running without the complications we will never know. 

Tonight I went to an old bf fb page and took a look the last bf I lived with before drugs... he looks happy so does his partner... it just pissed me off and I should not have looked misery loves company...I don't know why I looked maybe to see if he was actually a real person... hard to say... still it is enough.  Sorry I can't relate to the yearning for a partner I just want to be well ...after that I want a home.  I guess those two things are the bottom of the hierarchy of maslows needs... I have to start at the bottom with shelter safely food... health .. bf are further up the list.  

I do wish you well in your pursuits.

peace 

[westcoast]

Seeking a male friend who could become a mate seems like a worthy goal. It could motivate you to work on your overall health and hygiene, which many of us struggle with, but without the pressure of having to be a sexpot at the same time. I like your idea of taking it slowly, one stage at a time.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, taking it slowly is forced upon one if you use an OLD site (or is it just me? Yeah, it is all me. If I weren't me it would be easier and fun.)

 

I guess what it is is that I am craving 'connection', I have none with my mother, I can't lean on my girlfriends. That reminds me, I have a story to relate about that, but later.

 

Waiting for a call from the 1st therapist on a list of about 6. Optimistic it will help, convinced it is a waste of time. There are days I sit around waiting to die. This is not really that bad but some days it seems like it. Hope followed by resignation. A spark if interest extinguished by my awful negative mind. This is a different kind of apathy/anhedonia (how can there be differences?) It feels like I am frozen inside, can't move. But I keep writing messages to the guys, feels like I am on autopilot. Don't really care but still hoping. I got a touch of 'connection' and I am craving more. The last guy came and sat next to me on the bench and it was so weird feeling the warmth of someone's body like that.

 

You would not believe how they are stopped cold the minute you give them your phone number or say you are finally available (after not being able to meet on the day they want). I had to tell a guy to go away because when I pointed out how ambivalent he was after I said I was free for coffee, he started hounding me for a picture. He had no problem showing his eagerness before that.

 

Just got another message. What does a moniker like 't*ny two guns' tell you about someone? Not the best mental image I'll tell you that. I can't believe I am actually talking to some of these guys.

 

Edit: False romance alarm, more jerks hassling me about a picture. The rules are, either a clear picture of your face or NO picture at all are permitted. You would not believe some of the crap these guys post. There one guy, a doctor for pete's sake, that has an OR pic of himself and pics of his horses. He is always posting the horse pics, against the rules of course. He does come off as a horse's rear end.

 

There is great entertainment value there, for the bored at heart. Now I've got a pictureless guy two states away wanting to 'communicate' with me. Nope, not gonna play. Got burned doing that, that is why I am contemplating therapy in the first place.

Edited February 18, 2015 by cymbaltawithdrawal5600
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[Meimeiquest]

Hi CW, my life has been deeply touched by the "attachment thing" as I have two daughters who were young but not infants at the time we adopted them. My grandmother also had a very disrupted start to life, and in studying attachment, she looked like a prime example of someone struggling in that area. Huge kudos to you for recognizing and tackling this! I hope your search for help in looking at it turns out very well!

[Muddles]

cymbalta - I hope you don't mind me dropping by. I have just been reading through your posts and I'm sorry you are feeling this way...I just assumed you were ok recently.

 

Your situation and your words sounds just like my younger sister...and she has never touched anti-depressants. I'm not saying withdrawal has nothing to do with it but a lot of your words I have heard from my sister. We have a dysfunctional family (we were the only ones who were not), and parents who were very selfish and unable to show real love. I was fortunate to meet my husband at 18 years old and got out of it. My sister, unfortunately didn't meet anyone and was stuck with my father who was so bitter and self centred after my mother left. One family problem after another and then finally him having a stroke and us being his main carers prevented her from ever finding love and even when she did get the chance, she was so plagued and damaged by these family issues...she wasn't in any place to feel or give love. My dad dies and suddenly now, at 34 years old - she is feeling like you. Craving love and unable to find it. She has moved out of the house and in with us as she was having issues with my brother. She is a lot happier and even laughs now...I can see the self esteem coming, but still she thinks she has not got what it takes for someone to love her and she has had many dates - but nothing...to the point of coming off dating sites.

 

I can see how you and my sister are alike. I honestly believe this has everything to do with my parents and family. She doesn't like or love herself and I've told her this is something she needs to work on first in order for anyone else to love her and vice versa. She is going to have therapy.

 

Sorry for rambling on...I hope this post makes sense - I am posting from my phone. I really think therapy would help you.

You deserve all that you crave and dream for.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

First Meimei:

 

Did the children you adopted have the attachment problem? I have read about it a bit and even had some second hand experience. One of my 'sisters' daughter's adopted a foreign child with severe behavior problems, the parents were using some weird really abusive type therapy to help but my friend had to divorce herself from it all because she found it too awful. The reading I have done lately gave me some startling information: attachment can also be earned. Therapy can help and so can mating up with someone that has a secure attachment style. There is zero chance of that happening for me, I have to go the therapy route. And I am not doing this just so I can get well and find a mate.

 

I am feeling completely destroyed and shut down inside and it started with one of the same old swipes from out of left field from my mother some weeks ago. I could not shake it. Then I tried to go back to the volunteer job again and the lady pulled the same crap on me as she did the last time. So I am finally done there but that hurt. Then the dates with the guys from the dating site, just a coffee meet and greet because I desperately wanted to get involved with something to get me out of the house and maybe spark my will to stay alive. But not ever being able to find out why they did not want to keep seeing me, why they weren't interested in getting to know me, hurt more than I realized. I shrugged it off the first 3 times, the 4th guy recently was just plain weird. He kind of led me on afterwards by calling and texting but now nothing. I finally blocked him so he could not contact me. Felt so much better afterwards.

 

Now Muddles:

 

Muddles, that is just horrible about your sister, I cried when I read that story. You were very lucky, she just wasn't. If you aren't shown the right kind of love when you are a child, you can't seem to learn how to receive it or GIVE it. That hurts twice. I have lasted all this time being unable to be loved but that capability has left me and it is hurting really badly. And I can't give love either. I am going through the motions and I just can't do it right, I keep making mistakes.

 

The therapist called me back. I get a 1/2 hour free phone consult with him tomorrow. I have to leave the house to do it, no privacy here. I am going to need something or else I won't be able to last after my mother dies. I won't have that reason to keep from doing away with myself when the feelings get real bad. Right now my biggest problem is apathy, I cannot make myself move. I am really putting a lot of hope in this, I want to be able to just stay alive and not have this stuff hurting me so much all the time.

 

I am so glad both of you took the time to post. Feeling pretty low at the moment. Tomorrow should be better. And it really is entertaining on the dating site even if a lot of the guys are jerks. I have to tell you about someone I started up a chat with yesterday. You won't believe it.

[mammaP]

I think you will benefit from the therapy too, if the therapist is the right one for you. If you feel uncomfortable then I would try the next one, you can spend lots of time and money with the wrong one and gain nothing except being irritated. I got a lot from CBT but I had already started it online myself before I net the therapist, she just gave me that bit more confidence. I'm sorry that the person at the volunteer job was horrid to you, you don't deserve that   .  Are there any senior activites near you? I hate to admit it but I found some locally and have thought about checking them out. They have coffee mornings and craft sessions, that kind of thing, not volunteering but just being with people. Do you still do any dog grooming?  I know you had to scale it down, is it possible to take some on again? They would be better company than jerks  . 

 

I can't imagine being involved with a man again, the very thought makes me stiffen but at the same time would love a non committal platonic relationship without any hint of the S stuff, been burned too many times. 

Recovering from years of drugs and depression for whatever reason when you are our age is daunting, like, what now? How to move on from this, we aren't chickens and yet not old either, at least I don't feel that old even if I am falling apart  .  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Are you kidding mammaP? I don't want to have sex with any of these men, the thought is terrifying! I just want to connect with someone, I am so gosh darn tired of always being by myself.

 

The town has plenty of senior activities, I just can't force myself to participate for any reason. I just lost another dog client and I can't force myself out to get more clients. This is a strange kind of apathy that just has me sitting here in my chair constantly. I can get up and do things if I have to but then that's it, I can't keep it up. I have all sorts of ideas on what is wrong but the ideas don't help me get and stay moving. It is like someone turned off the lights, I know where the light switch is but I don't really care that much about sitting in the dark. Even the guys I chat with on the dating site, I don't care what they think about me anymore. I am not mean, I just say what I think and they can take it or leave it.

 

This is weird. I cannot think of anyone else on the board who had mentioned this particular kind of apathy. It is apathetic apathy. Don't care to care. Can't wait to talk to the therapist, hope he has some good ideas. I don't think therapy will work though. I've been in group before and I still have the same issues now as I did then.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

This happened a couple of days ago while I was browsing my screen of pictures on the dating site. Occasionally the site screws up and I get pics of men from outside my area, like some Midwestern state. If I am not paying attention and I am logged in, they see I have visited their profile and if I see them visit mine I'll use it as an excuse to start chatting. It usually goes nowhere.

 

Well the other day, I am browsing and I see a woman's picture. I go to check my settings to see if I picked the wrong field to browse but then I read the profile and it is from a cross dresser who wants to do Girls Night Out. Says we'd be 'surprised at how interesting having a coffee date with him/her could be'. So I start up a chat. Find out he is happily married but likes to dress up as a woman. Wife knows about it (she found out after xx number of years of marriage) but she won't be seen with him. So he thinks I am great for being open minded (I wonder what kind of mail he gets?) and tonight he tells me he is a cop too.

 

I am stopped dead in my tracks. This is too weird for words. I can just see myself dishing with him over coffee and then all of a sudden my mind stops and says "Wait, what? You're a guy!" Did I just say what I said to a guy who makes a better looking girl than I do?

 

I give up. Do I meet for coffee or not? I might have to continue this in Off Topic.

[WiggleIt]

I would venture that while this guy might make an interesting friend, he probably carries his own fairly hefty mental and emotional load, which could be why he needs the outlet of dressing up in women's clothes. While he is likely a perfectly wonderful person, it may not be the easiest or smoothest friendship for you to start right now.

 

Of course, I could be wrong and it could be possible that he is the most liberated person of all, since he knows what he needs to do to be happy. I am just providing a theory and trying to provide good advice for your own well-being, but take what I say with a grain of salt because I certainly have no experience in this area.

[WiggleIt]

Okay, that's not quite true. I do have a little bit of experience in this area. I used to have a friend who was a guy who dressed up in women's clothes. He was and is such a great person. We really did have fun going shopping and doing girls' nights. We would hang out when he was dressed as a guy, or dressed as a girl. Eventually, though, The friendship dissolved because he did have so many issues that were too much for the friendship to handle and things became tense and he seemed to be seeking help from me that I simply could not provide. Not from lack of caring, but from lack of knowledge.

 

After the friendship dissolved, I used to run into him occasionally and it was always a pleasure, but I had to eventually take my own emotional distance from the close friendship in order to remain healthy myself. But I should not assume that your potential new friend is the same as my old friend.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I would venture that while this guy might make an interesting friend, he probably carries his own fairly hefty mental and emotional load, which could be why he needs the outlet of dressing up in women's clothes. While he is likely a perfectly wonderful person, it may not be the easiest or smoothest friendship for you to start right now.

 

Of course, I could be wrong and it could be possible that he is the most liberated person of all, since he knows what he needs to do to be happy. I am just providing a theory and trying to provide good advice for your own well-being, but take what I say with a grain of salt because I certainly have no experience in this area.

 

Of course this is not  a good idea but (I was going to say from his standpoint, I am a poor choice) because he is not the kind of friend I need right now and I am in no shape to be anyone's friend. At the end of the day, were I to become friends, he's still be someone else's husband in a dress, outdoing me in the looks department and having that which I seek and cannot have, a mate. Not true exactly, I am not sure I even want a mate, I just want this soul searing loneliness to go away. And then I want to die. I am done with this sh*t, there's nothing left I want to do or see.

 

Therapy: I have to pay someone to care about me (I read that this is how I can get healed from this particular problem) and through this I magically begin to care about others. But I did care about others, tried to anyway my whole life because I was told this is the right way to be but it didn't work (because there is no place in the world for 'selective carers'). I didn't feel better. I guess it never does if you expect there will be some reward. It is supposed to feel good just because. But that is for normal people, not for people who did not get the 'right' kind of love (and who didn't know it) and then had everything messed with by the drugs.  It has been this way my whole miserable dam life and now I think I am sitting here living inside a mind that is slowly dying and that is why I can't move out of it. It is keeping me alive so I can keep my mother alive until her natural end.

 

Sleep is messed up again too. I hope this doesn't go on too much longer. I am so sick of crying all of the time.

[mammaP]

Are you kidding mammaP? I don't want to have sex with any of these men, the thought is terrifying! I just want to connect with someone, I am so gosh darn tired of always being by myself.

 

The town has plenty of senior activities, I just can't force myself to participate for any reason. I just lost another dog client and I can't force myself out to get more clients. This is a strange kind of apathy that just has me sitting here in my chair constantly. I can get up and do things if I have to but then that's it, I can't keep it up. I have all sorts of ideas on what is wrong but the ideas don't help me get and stay moving. It is like someone turned off the lights, I know where the light switch is but I don't really care that much about sitting in the dark. Even the guys I chat with on the dating site, I don't care what they think about me anymore. I am not mean, I just say what I think and they can take it or leave it.

 

This is weird. I cannot think of anyone else on the board who had mentioned this particular kind of apathy. It is apathetic apathy. Don't care to care. Can't wait to talk to the therapist, hope he has some good ideas. I don't think therapy will work though. I've been in group before and I still have the same issues now as I did then

I reckoned that you were feeling the same, companionship maybe but not romance as such,  can be doing without that  . I hope you get to know someone you feel at ease with that can make you laugh and feel happy.