☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[direstraits]

so sorry for your suffering

 life can be so horrible when we haven't received the unconditional love that all of us deserve

I realized my parents were incapable of loving anybody-I feel like I never had a mother...and it hurts like hell

 

I kept my severely disabled daughter at home for her-when she passed away you know what she saidto me?go home to your empty nest-my therapist said that sounded "detached"-ya think?

  I'm sorry if I'm ranting-I have been so depressed lately& hopeless

I wish I had some answers-but I don't-

I just hope that you can find something to help you

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh direstraits, my heart really aches for you! You've had it so much worse than I and here you are trying to comfort me. This is awful, my constant howling in pain instead of doing what I can to comfort others. I know why my parents did not love me, they just weren't capable of it but why not for you? I read your story the last time you posted on my thread and it really made me cry for you but crying is all I could do. What can I do to ease your pain?

 

All this constant pain is taking such a toll on all of us. I don't know how to get relief and how to give relief to others. Some healer I turned out to be. But you were able to give love, that says so much for you as a person. I never learned how.

 

Dire, I wish for you all the love in the world to make up for what your family was not able to give you. You are right, no one deserves not to have unconditional love. I never wanted any children precisely because I knew deep inside I did not know how to love. Even as a little kid I knew my parents weren't showing me the right way but what can you do when you are weak and they can do whatever you want and they slap you when you point out their wrongs.I can't find anyone to love sitting here and the person who needs it, me, I cannot do a thing for.

[btdt]

About God. 

I don't know what you experience has been to date and I am not a great theologian.  I would not know how to qualify myself as I have rarely attended church and rarely talk about my personal beliefs so I am not completely comfortable doing so.  I have one sister who knows the bible inside out and when I get in a confused state about something I do have her for a resource.  I think a resource is good.  

 

All I can really do is talk about myself how self centered of me but that is all I know really know.

 

So here is my story.  

I went to Sunday school hit and miss and was likely saved at one of those outings tho I have no solid memory of it.  I was married in a church at 17 by a minister I was expecting the one child I have now grown.  Guess you can gather from that I was not living a Christian life.  I did not have a real relationship with God I did not know the bible I gave no time to trying to learn or understand what God was all about.

 

I had rough go after the child was born I had a issue with one of my breasts and had to have a lump removed leaving a very ugly black stitched scare... for a brief moment when I was checking myself in the mirror the day after the surgery before my son got home from a relatives I thought of ending it all... out of no where came this kind of voice first time I ever noticed it ... both inside and outside myself I was not sure... said if you do that you will go to hell.  So I called my husband said come home from work I am freaking out so he came I told him both he and his mother thought it to be bit of this and that... post partum perhaps or perhaps and drug reaction from the surgery or the drugs for pain.  Oddly it came and went with no linger issues.

 

I am mentioning all that only because that voice is what I have come to trust as being an inside outside voice that guides me to me it is God... and it makes very rare appearances.   I wish it would come every minute of every day but that is not how it works at least not for me.

 

 Fast forward 7 years a lot changed a single mother from 19 years old on... alone but not lonely I have good friends I am going to college and working.  I was hurt in a car accident... bad enough I can't return to my life and need my mother to come care for my child. I am sucking liquid codeine from a bottle with a straw it is beside me wherever I am cause whenever I wake up I am in complete agony. I am on the couch not quite awake I don't want to wake as it takes time for the medicine to work i don't want that time in between... I try to stay asleep... I can hear the tv... the pain seeps in. My throat is killing me already I don't want to move as it makes it all worse. The voice on the tv is a minister he is saying somebody has severe pain in their throat and God is healing it right now.  At the same moment my throat stopped hurting seemed in the same instant... I was thinking it was going to be me. 

 

The other pain stayed even other pain in my throat but the one pain the worst one of my throat was gone and have never been back. 

 

I carried on with things... got onto these drugs had my crazy reaction to prozac where I truly went insane. I had been having hit and miss conversations with God and had been reading the bible... I watched a lot of church on tv when I was healing from that accident especially that show that was on the specific morning. I made contact with some of those tv evangelists and I know many people think them frauds but this is my story not theirs. I had a few things with bible verses which I carried and read at will.  I learned the basics.  

 

A few times in here I went to church and I liked it but never felt I really belonged.  I moved and went to my sisters church there I was baptized as an adult... all through this time I was struggling with psych drugs the fallout and the side effects which for me were many. Till effexor once I started effexor I stopped going to church I had a complete personality change leading to many misadventures lets call it all that. I no longer prayed or talked to God like I had grown accustom to doing. 

 

A lot of things happened between then and now but nothing where God stepped in with the voice till I was on all sorts of drugs but had already ct effexor I had been in bed a long time I was not improving.  I could not eat anything only drink and that was mostly electrolyte replacement drinks. As I lay there on Nov 17 2007 I had the voice again... call it what you want a hallucination drug induced or otherwise to me it was my dead mother or God or a mix of both...saying get off these drugs or lay in that bed and die.  I have not taken any more psych drugs since I quit everything I was taking that day. 

 

In the 7 years since I have had many bad times some long stretches where I doubted God knew who I was but I always kept praying and talking to him... I sitll do it now. 

 

If you were to ask me based on my experience how to find God I would say listen to others who know him read the bible and talk to him.  I don't know any other way.  This is how it happened for me I don't know how it happens for other people I think just like wd we are all different. 

 

I know not all I have to say here is uplifting it has not been a story book life but it has had some very good moments many of those moments I could not recall when I was in some stages of wd. 

 

I focused on one thing here and I hope it is of some service to you. I don't know how it could be but I decided to take a chance this is not something I talk about and I am well aware it looks crazy like the rest of my life that looks crazy there it is.  I am out on a limb again and it may not mean a thing to you but I can not take the chance that it is just nuts enough to be of some use... see I don't know what Gods plan is for you only he knows that and he may well choose to use this and me... all I can do is be willing if and when I think there may be a chance. 

 

I wish you peace

[direstraits]

thanks for your kind words CW- I know...there's so much pain here-some times I feel like it's overwhelming me

I just want to make it better for everyone (including myself)

  at least you were aware enough to know you shouldn't have kids -good for you -many aren't

and you have helped others here-don't disregard that

 I wish only the best for you(need to charge computer now)

[btdt]

"All this constant pain is taking such a toll on all of us. I don't know how to get relief and how to give relief to others. Some healer I turned out to be. But you were able to give love, that says so much for you as a person. I never learned how."

 

I think you are being deceived as I have seen you give love here I know you may say that this is the internet and it does not count I say it does how to love is a heart issue if you have the heart to give love here you can do it other places.  Just how I see it. 

peace

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Btdt,

 

Thank you for telling me your story. I am glad you heard the voice, as I read it I was trying to think if I ever had the same and I don't recall. Maybe that is why I have taken to going back to AA meetings, I had some rudimentary sense of God then but I left it behind. Six years after I stopped drinking I was still in a place of deep unhappiness and that is when I finally got convinced my problem was depression. And so we know where that got me all these years later.

 

I don't know what the answer to all this is but I do know that I have no faith at all. I think that if anything is going to happen for me to get better I will have to do it myself and because I am unable to figure out what to do, then I am not going to get any better at all. That is what has me so scared and upset.

 

Faith and love, I don't know where either of them are or how to get them. Tired of wanting them and coming up empty. Just so tired.

 

Thanks to all of you for holding my hand while I try to get this pain out. I wish I could just shut up.

[OffEFFexor]

How long before I completely lose my mind and commit a horrible act to end all of this? How many more days can I wake up, unrefreshed, to begin another day of aimlessly sitting at the computer, mind constantly churning, trying to find a way out?

 

 My story is very different than yours, cw (although we have AA in common.)  What you wrote is exactly what I ask myself over and over today, and many times over the last few days.

[btdt]

 

How long before I completely lose my mind and commit a horrible act to end all of this? How many more days can I wake up, unrefreshed, to begin another day of aimlessly sitting at the computer, mind constantly churning, trying to find a way out?

 

 My story is very different than yours, cw (although we have AA in common.)  What you wrote is exactly what I ask myself over and over today, and many times over the last few days.

 

Your finding it in common because it is common in wd... deep negativity and despair that is a good part of what wd is... or was for many of us. 

[btdt]

Btdt,

 

Thank you for telling me your story. I am glad you heard the voice, as I read it I was trying to think if I ever had the same and I don't recall. Maybe that is why I have taken to going back to AA meetings, I had some rudimentary sense of God then but I left it behind. Six years after I stopped drinking I was still in a place of deep unhappiness and that is when I finally got convinced my problem was depression. And so we know where that got me all these years later.

 

I don't know what the answer to all this is but I do know that I have no faith at all. I think that if anything is going to happen for me to get better I will have to do it myself and because I am unable to figure out what to do, then I am not going to get any better at all. That is what has me so scared and upset.

 

Faith and love, I don't know where either of them are or how to get them. Tired of wanting them and coming up empty. Just so tired.

 

Thanks to all of you for holding my hand while I try to get this pain out. I wish I could just shut up.

"Faith and love, I don't know where either of them are or how to get them. Tired of wanting them and coming up empty. Just so tired."

 

After having that voice speak and the idea I know  there is a God I went thru the same crap your going thru now.. and tho I had a son and some other people around me ... mostly I was just broken and could not respond to any kindness even when it hit me in the face... I was broken... and came back alive one teeny tiny bit at a time.

 

The first thing I did was drink water... try to eat then.. walk then sought all type of which I have mentioned repeatedly... I don't want to be a broken record and piss you off. 

 

This is the MO of wd... for a lot of us... I think WF tried to talk about this how not everyone has it the same... some have more... I have a hard time identifying with the ones who did not have this as for me this was a major part.  It is a rough go... my heart goes out to you...but it is still wd. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

OffEFF,

 

Please don't feel like I do, please! It is a horrible place to be and I don't want anyone to join me in this hell pit. I am in a place that I cannot do anything to end this and probably never will. It has to get better on its own. My upset is in it being impossible to get anything to move.

 

The Florida heat is starting to get to me again and I have not been able to move today. I feel so sleepy yet I cannot lie down and rest. I have to get out of the house to a meeting again, I need to listen to something else than the crap in my head. I went last night again but ran out as soon as it was done. Felt so uncomfortable there as if I really did not belong anymore. I don't think I am in danger of using alcohol (although I thought about it briefly a few weeks ago), it has been almost 32 years.

 

Please hang in there OffEFF, it won't always be this bad for you, it is only been bad for me because of the high doses of the drugs I went cold turkey off, I am sure of it. And because I cannot overcome my aversion for getting out of the house and exercising again.

 

I have to go to the meetings to be around people, I am having such a hard time being alone but I cannot bring myself to share. I don't understand any of this.

 

And Btdt, I see you have replied again, bless you for hanging in there for me, I am trying to hold fast to the thought that this is wd and not a personal failing but it is very hard, I don't have the knack of submitting.

 

Don't worry, you won't piss me off. I am just having a lot of bad days in a row and another one has just gone by with me doing absolutely nothing. What a waste.

[btdt]

I have those days too I have strings of them maybe cause of antibiotics or being sick now but what the hell there is no use fighting it all the time and being upset... I can submit now it took me a long time to get the knack. peace

[btdt]

https://achristian.wordpress.com/2006/09/01/what-to-do-when-youre-feeling-empty-inside/

I don't know where this came from it was a fluke but thought what the heck I will pass it along

[Wildflower0214]

I have been where you are for a long time, and I lived there for a long time. I can now see some way out. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. The latter two went on for over ten years on a near daily basis.

 

There has to be healing. I have to believe this.

 

I have also felt like you. People say, seek God. And I ask..how? And, I am learning. I have to change what I believe. What I feel is not a reflection of truth. I realize I feel a certain way because I think a certain way because of abuse. But, I have to stop listening to the story I tell myself about myself, the story that abuse has told me my whole life...that I am not worthy. God says I am. And not believing this will keep it from being true in my life. God says I'm free. I have to believe it, not wait to feel it. And, little by little, as I believe it, I am being set free.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense. But this is my hope, in Christ, that I am as precious to him as anyone else, and He has given me, just like everyone, the capacity to heal and to get better.

 

Making myself believe this is hard, it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process, it may take years. I have no idea. And, I believe it requires work, more than I would like, but I have to keep trying.

[OffEFFexor]

Please hang in there OffEFF, it won't always be this bad for you, it is only been bad for me because of the high doses of the drugs I went cold turkey off, I am sure of it. And because I cannot overcome my aversion for getting out of the house and exercising again.

I'm hanging.  I just want to express solidarity.

 

I am six days from my 20th anniversary of my last drink.  With all the craziness and hell of WD, being tempted to drink is truly the least of my worries.  I'm grateful for that.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Twenty years!!!!!! What a celebration that is! I have gotten away from AA for so long now, I had to try real hard to even remember what my sobriety date was.

 

I have thought about drinking but not seriously. It was after having coffee with someone and that's when I got the idea to start going back to meetings. I need contact with people and that is as good a place as any. It is bringing back a lot of memories, some not so good. But having stories to listen to at meetings is taking my focus off myself. I just cannot do any sharing, I don't have any words. Been almost 20 years away from meetings, went to only a few after I moved to FL in '94. I felt out of place after a while since it was not a problem for me any more.

 

I got to the place where those were not my people either. Something is wrong that I cannot find a place to be with people. Church did not work either nor did any job. Wow, what a mess. It is not very good to be me.

[mattinsmom]

I would really like to write something uplifting and healing but the best I have to offer is that I hear you. I am in a space so similar that it is as if you were writing for me.

 

"How long before I completely lose my mind and commit a horrible act to end all of this? How many more days can I wake up, unrefreshed, to begin another day of aimlessly sitting at the computer, mind constantly churning, trying to find a way out?"

 

All I know is that I have been here before and somehow come out on the other side. Don't give up.

[Petunia]

What pattern do you see? I can't see one, all I can see is a whiny sniveling brat who can't get her own way (get well) and is constantly crying and moaning about it.

 

 

I meant that I see a pattern in your life, not so much in what you write here.  Of course I only know as much about your life as what you've written on this site.  But between your thread, PMs, mod stuff and other posts, I've noticed an ongoing pattern of what looks like unconscious self sabotage.  I could be completely wrong, might even be projecting my own stuff.

 

I don't feel comfortable with writing specific examples and please don't think I mean in any way this is your fault its unconscious and I think its connected with patterns set in your childhood.  I only mentioned the patterns as an explanation of why I decided to post, I see something there that could be explored either by yourself or in therapy.

 

 

 

But underneath it, is the original 'wound', starting to re-emerge.

 

 

 

Yep, what do I do about it? Therapy doesn't seem to be the answer, I can't seem to get started.

 

This is sort of part of the pattern I noticed.  I don't know if therapy is the answer, but if you don't put some time and effort into finding someone who is a good fit for you, and then putting in the work, you wont find out if it might be.

 

I think you wrote something about buying a book, hoping for help with attachment issues, but it was useless.     I've got boxes of useless books too, all bought with the hope that they are going to provide real practical help, but instead I end up feeling worse because I now have a deeper understanding of my problems, but still no easy way to fix them.

 

I found this link posted on another site and had a look,  it may be helpful and it has an article linked on the left about how to find a therapist.  I haven't looked at that though.  I also live in a very disadvantaged place as far as good therapists go and I've had some shocking experiences with trying to help myself through counseling.  An inexperienced therapist, one who doesn't have experience with your issues and one who has their own unresolved emotional problems can often cause more harm, this is what I've found, so don't settle for someone you don't feel comfortable with.

 

If I could go back in time and redo all my attempts at therapy, I would have done a lot more research myself first, identified my core issues, decided what kind of therapy I wanted to use to address it and then I would go in search of a therapist who would work with me and do it my way. 

We can identify the causes of our sufferings:  On overcoming the consequences of maltreatment:

http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=59&grp=11

 

 

I wish I could be like you, Petu. Your's is a noble struggle, I am just down in the mud, scrapping with the hogs. Full of self pity. I am so angry I can barely trust myself to leave the house sometimes.

 

You don't know what its like to be like me, I may actually feel worse than you do. Just because I can get on here and write eloquent posts and dissociate from myself for a while to focus on other people's problems, that doesn't mean anything about me...nothing at all.  Writing is my last remaining method of escaping from myself and I have a feeling I'm starting to lose that too.

 

You are full of self pity and I'm full of self loathing.  You don't leave the house because of anger, for me its fear.  The only difference between us is that you express yourself fully, the good and the bad, I'm still keeping all the bad stuff to myself, trying to preserve a false image, but in reality, I have a lot of ugly stuff going on.  I hate it, its stuff I've been able to suppress for years, with the help of drugs, now its all coming flooding back and I'm having to feel it and look at it and recognize.  Its bringing back childhood memories, things I don't want to remember about myself... but here it is. 

 

Many of us here are survivors of childhood trauma, adult trauma and abuse, its probably the real reason we ended up on drugs.  The details of our stories are different, but we carry similar scars on our souls and some of us find ourselves revisiting these scars in the aftermath of coming off drugs, perhaps this is an opportunity rather than another evil layer of withdrawal.  Here is the last paragraph of the article I linked to above:

 

"Access to the history of our childhood gives us the freedom to be true to our own selves, which means feeling and recognizing our emotions, and acting in accordance with our needs. This enables our body to function well, staying in good health. It also gives us the freedom to stay honest and have genuine relationships with our friends. We stop belittling and neglecting our bodies and our souls, and we also stop maltreating them in the same impatient, angry, and humiliating way as our parents once treated the little child that could not speak or make sense of what was going on. We can then attempt to understand the reasons for our distress, and this is easier once we have achieved awareness of our own history. No medication can tell us anything about the CAUSES of our distress or our illnesses. Medication can only cover over those reasons and alleviate the pain - for a while. But unrecognized causes still remain active. They continue to emit their signals until the outbreak of the next illness. That illness will then be treated with different medication, and that medication will again take no account of the causes for the disorder. But those causes are identifiable. All the sick person needs to do is to take an interest in the situation of the child he/she once was and actually experience the feelings clamoring for expression and comprehension."

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I've noticed an ongoing pattern of what looks like unconscious self sabotage.

 

You've got it completely right. I gave up being a mod because I could not do it right and I criticized someone in my women's group in front of everyone, left, and have no intentions of ever returning. Since no one has contacted me I assume they do not want me.

 

I see it, have seen it, always have. I'm not good enough for what my parents wanted me for therefore I don't want myself. I can't find anywhere to be who I am, just me, without hurting anyone in the process so I'll just take myself away. Sitting here dying this slow death in front of the computer is doing just that.

 

Something goes round and round in my head constantly. If I were to be cured today, then I'd HAVE to go out and be successful and I cannot do it. I don't know what to do, for one thing, and I don't have the right personality or skills for it. I'm too: angry, ugly, impatient, smart (yes, figure out that one!), old, stupid,

 

What I wanted was not right, what my parent wanted was what I was supposed to do. Now that that parent is gone, I still can't do it. What I want doesn't matter.

 

The rest is just dumping, don't bother to read.

 

 

 

 

 

Now the problem is, I don't know what I want. All I know is that I don't want this. And I have lots of ideas on what to do to start but won't do any of the (I guess that is the reason, I keep just sitting here day after day so I must not want to get well.)

 

Something outside of me has to cure me, I cannot cure myself. But there is nothing left. Just dying. And that is not happening just yet.

 

I wish my mother would go away but as long as she is here, money keeps getting put in the bank. I wish she wanted me but she doesn't. I really can't forgive her right now. Maybe after she is dead but not right now.

 

I went to another meeting last night. A lady came over and talked to me for a bit, she remembered me from the night before. And then a man and another one came over and by that time, tears were falling on my chest. Couldn't talk. Sat until it was done then left quickly. I have no idea if it is helping, I want it to I guess. I wish I didn't cry. Other than that, I don't want anything any more. What is the use of wanting when you can't give it to yourself. I can't give myself love because my love doesn't matter. I guess that is why I am so defeated now. I used to be able to do things for myself, get jobs and such. Now I can't. Convinced I can't. Don't know where I belong.

 

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. And maybe I'll get some bright idea on how to stop self sabotage and stop crying. I cannot believe how raw I feel now when I go out in public to sit in those meetings. I remember at one time I belonged there but then I didn't think I did anymore, they weren't my people, I didn't want to be like them, always talking about alcohol. I wanted to be well. So I went after antidepressants instead. Convinced they would help. Now all they have done is damaged my emotions. I wonder if the damage is going to be permanent.

 

I still have no one else to talk to. I don't even want to look for a therapist anymore.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Things are rocky with my attempts to find solace and people contact in meetings. Last night there was a buffet and karaoke sing at a city clubhouse and I decided to go. I walked in and found a place to sit, there were few people there. A total of 5 women came over and shook my hand at different times and said 'Hello' and told me their names. And then they they went off to talk to others. No one came and sat next to me, I sat there trying to look pleasant but there was nothing really to look pleasant about, except that I knew these people likely had the same concerns as I except that they all seemed to know each other or know someone well enough to sit and talk to them. I didn't walk over to talk to anyone. Would you? Yes, a lot of you probably would. Another me would have at another time.

 

The lady started up the karaoke by singing a song herself, then another lady, then back to the show runner. It was something to watch but not something I wanted to participate in. Roomful of strangers, feeling terribly out of place but surprisingly not close to tears (most of the time, I almost did slightly). I did not even get up to sample the food.

 

Sat there for a little over an hour, thinking my thoughts. Kept thinking that if I ever became comfortable with these people, if I was ever not the lone stranger in a roomful of people, I would certainly keep my eye out for a person such as I and walk over and talk to them. I would not want them to feel as horrible inside as I did sitting there. The person I used to be, who could walk into a place like that and feel as though I belonged is long gone. She went away a couple of months ago and left this weird shell of a person. I wished I had left sooner or had not felt that if I were to take out my phone and start surfing the net that I would feel less bad about being there.

 

I kept sitting there and my mind kept wanting to think that I had never felt so awful in my whole life but immediately I knew that was not true. The worst I had ever felt in my whole life was last winter when my mind turned on me and unleashed horror. Sitting there alone with no one wanting to talk to me was a piece of cake compared to what I have gone through. I wonder if I will find others there like me and when I might hear their stories? Surely I cannot be the only one, someone who, after 6 years of not drinking, realized something more was wrong and searched for other answers.

 

I remember that after a while I started going to meetings of a different sort (ACA) and there were more revelations. So this was another aspect to explore and I think I kept at that for a couple of years until the novelty wore off and I was no closer to feeling good inside again. I think it was around that time I started trying to get appointments with low cost psychologists for university schools because I became convinced I was depressed, just like my dad had bee and my grandmother (on his side) too. They all told me I did not have enough symptoms. Some time after that I lost a job because I had a breakdown of sorts: I could not stop crying and was led to see someone's psychologist friend (who I could not afford to pay) who told me to go to county mental health. At last, I was given a diagnosis of MDD and given meds.

 

I left meetings behind and I remember at the time that I kind of substituted group therapy for them. That helped somewhat, medication helped more. At one time I was given prozac and after being on it for some time, I remembered standing in the kitchen and having the distinct feeling that for once in my life, in all the time I could remember, I finally felt good inside. The fact that my life was still messed up, that I was not a stable worker but had given up being promiscuous did not make much of an impact on me. The drugs made something inside me change.

 

But my experience was, the feeling doesn't last, I did not stay feeling good and the drug doses had to be upped or the drugs changed. I have never been able to make good feelings stay inside me. And this brings me back to last night. I don't feel good anywhere, not here at home with my silent mother, nor sitting by myself in rooms full of people. I feel a bit anxious outside and I can't get myself to go to the gym anymore. I am still going to go to meetings because it gets me out of the house and I imagine that maybe something good will come out of it if I persist. People don't know who I am, I show up out of nowhere with no story but a great deal of time after my last drink. And can't share yet without sobbing. I tried.

 

I know this is not the place for these stories but I cannot help it, I have no one to talk to. There aren't any forums for people who have had their personalities damaged by ADs and don't know how to heal them and are grasping at straws. I feel so unbelievably bad at times and not very hopeful. I can't get used to the fact that this is my reality now, this intense self hate and negativity. I am appalled at how negative my thinking is, it is a wonder I get out of the house at all. I just don't belong anywhere right now.

 

I have woken up in the middle of a nightmare. Can't go back to sleep and don't know what to do. I doubt any therapist can help me sort this out. My brain just does not work right at this moment. A couple of months ago I thought it did. Was I wrong then? And I getting better or worse?

[Flowers]

I haven't posted on your thread before but have read so many of your posts helping others.

 

I am so sorry you are suffering so much.  Keep posting and getting things out.

 

I really felt for you at the soiree last night and that you were left sitting alone. I'm not sure I could have even gone on my own feeling as you do right now.

 

I can't offer much to help you but understand isolation and loneliness very well. I have always struggled to make friends through lack of confidence and self worth. My gran used to come to the local pub with me as I didn't have any friends! I even had an imaginary friend when I was a child! I  was not ill in those days but would feel lonely even in a room full of 'friends', relatives or whatever. 

 

Sometimes when you least expect it you meet up with someone who could become a companion and good friend. I really hope you meet that someone at one of your meetings. Life does have a way of surprising us .

 

In the meantime you have so many people who care about you here even if it is online.

 

Don't give up.

 

I am sending you a big hug - if I wasn't so far away from Florida I would arrange to meet up somewhere and have a good old chat.

 

Flowers xxxxxx

[mattinsmom]

Hi there

Sorry that things are sucky. I'm not really in a place to offer much in the lines of sunshine or lollipops but I do appreciate your writing/posts. I appreciate your candor. 

What can I say? "Hang in there" doesn't seem like enough sometimes. "It will get better" can feel awfully unobtainable at time. "I hope you feel better", truth but probably not much comfort. So, I don't know what to say except that I like you and I hope that some day you can like you too. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I haven't posted on your thread before but have read so many of your posts helping others.

 

I am so sorry you are suffering so much.  Keep posting and getting things out.

 

Hi Flowers,

 

I am really glad to hear from you and I haven't seen you post much lately so I am honored you posted on my thread. Someone told me to post in my thread what is going on with me and even though I am doing it, I am very embarrassed and do so reluctantly. Just a short while ago I thought I had made it through the recovery period and I could try to build some sort of life again but I was so sadly mistaken. I am so ill inside, all of my feelings are so negative and depressed and when that is all you have inside, you don't want to keep letting people know how you feel. I sure did want to be a person recovering, lord knows I have been here long enough.

 

 

I really felt for you at the soiree last night and that you were left sitting alone. I'm not sure I could have even gone on my own feeling as you do right now.

 

I can't offer much to help you but understand isolation and loneliness very well. I have always struggled to make friends through lack of confidence and self worth. My gran used to come to the local pub with me as I didn't have any friends! I even had an imaginary friend when I was a child! I  was not ill in those days but would feel lonely even in a room full of 'friends', relatives or whatever.

 

Last night, alone again. The first place I went, few people were there but 2 people came and introduced themselves afterwards. It is so uncomfortable knowing people would rather talk to people they already know than to make conversation with a stranger. I think the issue is that when people know I have been associated with the program for as many years as I have been, they assume I don't need any help.

 

It is actually getting to be quite easy going to these places now, knowing ahead of time I will most surely be left alone with a few polite introductions. I feel like taking a book from now on to really shut them out. Newcomers are treated like the darlings they are, old timers with sad tearful faces, who can do anything with them? Not any of the people I have seen, it seems. More comfort for them and I guess they expect me to be able to take care of myself. I am finding it hard not to be angry at their seeming to snub me. Do they not remember how hard it was for them to walk into a room full of strangers?

 

Or are they sensing my hatred of myself and steering clear?

 

 

Sometimes when you least expect it you meet up with someone who could become a companion and good friend. I really hope you meet that someone at one of your meetings. Life does have a way of surprising us .

 

 

I am praying that this happens. But that is all it is at the moment, a prayer. I will have to be content to participate on the sidelines until I can manage to help myself feel better, these people certainly aren't going to do it for me. How odd I never remember it being this way.

 

Life has surprised me enough already. The recent ones have been unpleasant. Hard not to think I have it coming to me.

 

 

I am sending you a big hug - if I wasn't so far away from Florida I would arrange to meet up somewhere and have a good old chat.

 

No one has no idea how good this makes me feel, that if it were possible someone would want to meet me. I often have a dream that if I had enough money and weren't stuck in this place, I would arrange to meet people I have met on this website. It would be so valuable to me. Even though I never would have volunteered to be a member of a group such as this, it has become the place where my people are. Other places are so foreign right now. Meeting a fellow sufferer in Spain seems like the most natural thing in the world somehow. Thank you Flowers for the hug and the vote of confidence.

 

 

In the meantime you have so many people who care about you here even if it is online.

 

Don't give up.

 

 

I have such a hard time thinking about people caring about me. My whole life it has seemed not to be true but if it is true it might be due to the way I was raised, can I ever overcome it and start to feel less of a loner? Can I ever believe someone can care about me, I mean really believe it deep down? Why does this seem to only be possible if I talk to a therapist? Can't I ever come to this realization myself?

 

I'll certainly try not to give up.

 

Thank you again, Flowers. You are a gem and I hope (according to your sig) that your taper goes well. Go slow, you must. I really think that my disastrous coming off these drugs has messed me up badly and I hope, like everyone else here, that it is not permanent.

[Meimeiquest]

Thank you for sharing this hard place. Please keep writing.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Mattinsmom,

 

 

What can I say? "Hang in there" doesn't seem like enough sometimes. "It will get better" can feel awfully unobtainable at time. "I hope you feel better", truth but probably not much comfort. So, I don't know what to say except that I like you and I hope that some day you can like you too.

 

 

Anything anyone says is always a validation that I have been heard, that my howling in pain has not gone unnoticed. When I read that you had recently been on a trip I was so jealous! I imagine people here as rebuilding their lives and progressing along in so many ways while I seem to be going backwards. Daily life is a mental and emotional struggle and a lot of the days it seems not worth it to still be here. But there is nothing that I can do about that. And to look upon the future with dread saps all of my energy so I cannot even plan for the future anymore. So I am stuck looking at a person in the present who can only remember how awful she has been in the past and see nothing good ever coming again.

 

I have to say, MM, I am not worthy of your liking of me, it doesn't feel right. The only way it can ever feel right is if I could accept myself just as I am and I have never been able to do that. I have to be doing something or accomplishing something, being alive and being a person is not enough.

 

Is this how my parents raised me? What happened? Is this the absence of the drugs messing with my mind? Old age? Retirement with nothing to do?

 

I can only imagine how wonderful it would feel if I were to begin liking myself. I don't think I ever have.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you for sharing this hard place. Please keep writing.

 

 

But Meimei, I don't understand why? To me it seems like just so much foolishness and just causes me to cry. I don't feel any better, is this supposed to make me feel better?

 

Why can't I get well, move out of this stuck place and do something? I am trying so hard not to complain. I am not going to let it matter to me that people don't want to talk to me. Someday I will see someone that looks to be in as much pain as I am and I will do everything I can to walk up and talk to them, make them feel wanted. I can't do that with everyone that posts here and I don't understand why not. Why don't my posts look like everyone elses? Or do they and I just can't see it because I have brain damage?

 

I am in a place I never signed up for. I truly believed medicine would help but it looks like it has destroyed me even though I took it willingly and now it feels like it was all my fault for taking the easy way out. Taken away what made me a self reliant person with faults that could be worked on and left a person who sees no worth to continuing to live. And no idea if this will ever change. My hope that being around people in a place where I used to feel I belonged doesn't seem like such a good idea right now. Now what do I do? How long do I keep trying to make it work?

 

I have more to post later, I got some very upsetting news from my best friend yesterday that I am still trying to process.

[btdt]

Please check Mamma's thread she was down a long time and just ended her E taper and sees a change cause I went ct.. I had this for a long time and no taper off to notice when it went away... it did go away. 

I am sorry you got bad news it is life it will happen it does not care we are in withdrawal sometimes that is the worst part so much happened when I was in early wd I still can't believe it. I could not sit in a womans group I was sent to... I felt alien and left part way through one ladies talk.. just got up and banged my way out... seems I was hitting empty chairs on my way... I never went back... I am not seeking to know if it was good or bad it just was... they had nothing for me could not even begin to imagine where I was in life. Likely not great to isolate but I sure have done and do plenty of it. so far at least. I know you want to be around people... this is me being around people.. since not many around that I know I got to the library and read exchange a few words here and there... that is it.  If I can be with family and it is not bad then I will do that sometimes but not often as they live in different cities than me.

 

All the questions are simply up to you to answer... that is just how it is.

I wish you peace 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yes I did read mammaP's thread and what an amazing end to her effexor taking! It gave me chills to see she had some noticeable effects form being off.

 

Yep, I want to be around people. Have absolutely no idea how to do that anymore though. At least I am not quietly sobbing at the back of the room the past few days.

 

My girlfriend, the best friend I have had ever since I moved to FL, told me yesterday that a CAT scan revealed a stomach ache she had been having to be either lymphoma or leukemia. Something about maybe a tumor around her spleen.

 

I don't think I can bear to lose my friend after all that has already happened. I don't have another one like her. Pretty sure I'll be able to survive after my mom dies, I consider that relationship a lost cause because she does not want a relationship with me. But my friend? No. I don't want to think about never seeing her again. I'd rather go instead.

[btdt]

The point I was trying to make about Mamma's thread was that she now feels the darkness has lifted.  Since you and I did a ct we did not get the taper down effects get rid of the darkness when the drug taper is done effect I had it a good long time and had just accepted it was forever but it wasn't... like Mamma I had grown accustom to it.  Just like we don't see mania in ourselves we don't see this either and it colors everything we are. 

 

I am truly sorry to hear of your friends illness... there is nothing that says at this point that she will die she may well be cured... or at least be treated.  Do you have any plans of visiting with her in person?  Maybe a trip to see her is in order if it would work for you both. 

 

I had a couple of people in my life beat cancer for a long time one for more than 20 years one for over 10 it does happen. 

peace

[Flowers]

Hi - I don't post much as find it hard expressing how I feel in words. I do spend a lot of time here though reading about everyone!

 

So sorry that your friend is ill and this news must be hard to take especially how you are feeling at the moment. Btdt says what I have been thinking. There is so much they can do these days to if not cure but manage cancer so sufferers have a good life.

 

I am not sure what your relationship is like with your friend or if she lives closeby but maybe you can both  help each other through  these hard times.

 

It's such a pity that we all live so far away from each other. Wouldn't it be great to hold a huge convention somewhere so we could all get together?

 

Hugs from Flowers xxx

[btdt]

I do wonder about that too Flowers what would it be like to find others who have brain zaps or deep darkness weighing on them or pick you symptoms...as they are shifting all the time... would it be better than other groups of people where you can't say I need a moment ...brain zap... or I was listing to you but the sound of my eyes moving distracted me for a moment.. carry on. Part of me wonder if we would feel less like aliens in a group of people who were the same but symptoms vary so much I think it would still be challenging to run such a group.  It is not the same as a grief group where everyone is on the same page kind of and the symptoms causes and expectations for healing are similar.  There is such a huge variation in wd some people never know what we are talking about the ones who tapered don't know some of the symptoms they never had them. 

 

Still any group a bit closer may be a good idea I wonder if there has ever been one does anyone know?

 

I found groups of people even family distressing as I was trying to act normal when I could not focus my eyes and did not feel free to tell the truth of my experience as it sounds so crazy and I know they were worrying so much about me because of the changes they seen in me.  Like living a lie for a good part of the time I did not know wd was my problem either by the time I did most folks were uninterested in the entire deal it takes so long people just wear out or lose interest.  

[Meimeiquest]

Well, CW, my first reason to like you sharing is selfish...it is better to know how bad someone feels than not know how they are. Second, I think journaling to an anonymous audience is even more therapeutic than just plain journaling, Third, healing from an "adverse childhood" is difficult, and your journal adds to that body of knowledge and who knows who might see your writing and have a helpful idea for you.

 

I am so sorry to hear of your friend's illness. I would encourage you to really lean in to walking beside her during her treatment. It is so easy to want to turn away from the pain and uncertainty, but you will likely feel much better, no matter what happens, if you know you have loved well. Along those same lines, if you can find a way to repair any of the fractured places in recent relationships, I think that would help too.

 

I have thought lately of something from Beyond Meds. She said sometimes we see things/behaviors that we want to change and we just can't. Often the beginning is to just accept it, and observe it. I think an early step to change is just carefully observing.

[Flowers]

I hear what you say BTDT.  It would probably be impossible to organise something anyway but whatever way  we have been affected we all have one thing in common. We have all suffered from the adverse effects of these meds.

 

Most of my friends and family know about my recent problems with withdrawal and many didn't know I was taking A.D's for years. (It wasn't something I wanted to share really but I couldn't hide my withdrawal symptoms. They were/are too severe and noticeable  ). Most have been wonderful but occasionally  I find some of them  treat me a little differently and I catch them looking at me for no reason. Maybe they are just checking that I am not totally bonkers!!

[btdt]

Point is other people don't get us period how could this this is an unrelatable experience... 

 

We do understand it CW better than most. 

 

I too would rather know how your doing than not know how your doing.  We care about you here. 

 

I hope your ok but want to know even if your not... no pressure though if you need to take a break from here that is fine too. 

 

I wish you peace.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Flowers and btdt, thank you both for sharing on my thread. I have often thought of what it would be like if we could see each other in person - I would certainly be game to traveling when I am better and had the money to do it. But for now it is a faraway dream and withdrawal is very much in the way.

 

My friend actually lives close to me and I see her quite often. She tells me her blood work came out fine, no cancer markers and she is scheduled for a PET scan in a few weeks. She is optimistic, I avoid thinking about it at all. There is something about this stage that I am going through, I cannot think very far into the future without getting extremely anxious.

 

I worked for a 6 hour day delivering food last week at the same place where she works and I did very well but was a bit slow as the addresses are hard to find and I am out of practice, good thing for GPS. I have no idea if I will get the job there, I only want to do it for a couple of days a week as I don't want to leave my mother alone for too many hours, even though she does not require physical care from me. I hate the relationship I have with her, I keep shouting and getting very angry with her just about every time she opens her mouth and then I am very remorseful and hate myself afterwards. I can't even think ahead to getting the job so I just don't think about it at all. I'll either get called again next week or not.

 

I met a lady at a meeting who owns a flower shop. I think I would really like to work in a place like that, I keep thinking about it. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't think I came off very well and I haven't seen her since Tuesday. But next time I do see her I will try asking again if she needs help but I have no experience. Again, I can't think into the future about it, I just unleash tons of negative thoughts and feel awful afterwards.

 

I finally went to the gym yesterday and walked on the treadmill for 30 min. Felt kinda crappy the whole time but I did it. In a short time I won't be able to fit into my clothes anymore it is getting that bad. I don't like exercising, never did and I have no hopes I will be able to lose this weight. I am discouraged before I even start, that is how bad this depression is.

 

Meimei, I had to laugh when you said above you had a selfish reason for encouraging me to share on my thread. I remember when I was really sick and I could not leave the house at all, I used to get upset when there weren't any posts from you to read because I needed them. You were one of the few people I could read that did not cause upsets. there were lots of threads I had to avoid because they were too alarming.

 

This thing with my mother is completely awful. I can't forget what she has said to me and I cannot forgive her and I cannot stop getting so angry. I don't have good feelings for her at all and I used to. Never felt like I hated her but she thinks I do, she even says it. I hate living like this, hate myself and I hate this ugly trailer. I am stuck here and it feels simply awful being stuck. I used to like FL and now I hate it. But I have to admit I have not been thinking about suicide as much as a short while ago. So maybe getting out has done a tiny bit of good.

 

I wrote in Symptoms that I have ordered a tDCS unit. Don't remember how I happened to get the idea but I am desperate. It should come in about a week. I am nervous about using it. But if it does one thing, to dampen the circulating constant negative self talk in my head it will be worth it. If it helps break the spiral of depression that will be a bonus. If nothing happens, then I will have donated money for someone to put gas in their car. And I'll just have to wait for this to get better. I would be so grateful not to feel so much hate and negativity and anger all of the time. It is so draining. And each negative thought actually causes me to hurt, I can feel it. Tired of hurting and getting no enjoyment out of anything. Tired of not being able to form words and talk to strangers. Tired of living.

[LoveandLight]

I get the tired of living..but wow..doing all that you did even when feeling rubbish..so brilliant!

[btdt]

You amaze me... you really do. My hat is off to you... this negativity will end it will.  I hope we are both still here when it happens... I want to know what this is

 tDCS unit?

 

never heard of it before. 

 

I think things have improved some just by the fact your getting out and having less suicidal thoughts. And it will keep going like this going coming back that is how it goes I know please don't shoot the messenger... how many times I would I be shot by now I wonder... 

Wishing you peace CW