☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[Wildflower0214]

This is going to be a rant, I am hurting and I need to let some of the pain out. I have no one to talk to if not for this screen, so if you are in a bad place, go read someone else's thread.

 

Stop believing the hype, stop believing in 'pills' and start trying to figure out what is wrong in your life and work to change that instead.

Oh such fine words from an arrogant ass. I wrote that some time ago after reading post after post here of people wanting to take this drug or that supplement to 'fix' themselves. What if you know what is wrong in your life and it happens to be 'you'? What do you do then?

 

The problem is me, I have known it for years but I cannot figure for the life of me how to change who I am. I am unemployable, permanently so it seems and I don't know what to do. But I do know that I don't want to try anymore. I hate myself, I hate life and I don't want to be here anymore. And there is not a pill in the world that can fix that. How much longer do I have to wait until I just die?

CW, I thought you were working in the flower shop....? Is that not the case anymore? I'm sorry for your pain. I have similar feelings. I seem to be able to escape them for periods of time, but always seem to end up right back where I started.

 

I wish I had something insightful to add or say to comfort you. But, I don't. All I can say, is that I have felt similarly and I hear you.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Nope, the flower shop does not want me. Why? Because I am too smart. All I want to do is use my brains to help people with technology and instead, they are threatened by me.

 

Not only did the flower shop not want me (I actually left them and not the other way around), but as I was leaving the parking lot I backed into someone's vehicle and caused a minor scrape (and I do mean minor!) The guy went ballistic on me and I had to call the police because he refused to exchange info. I needed to get a phone book to get the police number but when I went to enter the shop, they had locked the doors and turned their backs on me. That was super weird.

 

I am not too keen on continuing this life. Situations like this are trying to tell me something......

[nz11]

Hi CW thanks for popping in to my intro and answering the heuristic...well you did think outside the square ..there is always one....actually with BM make that two!

 

Just love the vid of the dogs....kind of like us at the end when it comes to seeing  doc after wdl experience...ah no thanks and walk away...

 

Sorry you are having a bad time....how could anyone not be outraged at what we have had to go through.

 

"Stop eating pills, people. Get wise and get off and never look back. The dam things only work to take a functioning organism and turn it into a flat, lifeless, uncaring being who is blind to their effect until they try to get off them and then they are in for more misery than they ever bargained for. Kinda like all the bad stuff is stockpiled only to return with a vengeance once the chemicals are removed."

Totally agree.

Hey CW you write so well ever thought of writing the first book on psychiatric drug wdl ...someones gotta do it.

With all your knowledge ever thought of setting up your cities first wdl clinic....thanks to pharma you'll never be short of business.

 

severe depression, anger and self loathing leading to isolation starting Jan 2015.

I had exactly this in yr 2-4,  I could probably add 'family members loathing' as well...it will lift CW dont give up hope. Its just the next phase of the healing trajectory.

[Wildflower0214]

Nope, the flower shop does not want me. Why? Because I am too smart. All I want to do is use my brains to help people with technology and instead, they are threatened by me.

 

Not only did the flower shop not want me (I actually left them and not the other way around), but as I was leaving the parking lot I backed into someone's vehicle and caused a minor scrape (and I do mean minor!) The guy went ballistic on me and I had to call the police because he refused to exchange info. I needed to get a phone book to get the police number but when I went to enter the shop, they had locked the doors and turned their backs on me. That was super weird.

 

I am not too keen on continuing this life. Situations like this are trying to tell me something......

I don't think these situations are telling you anything other than life is crap sometimes....for us all.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the flower shop. I totally believe you when you say you have some underlying issues with dealing with your past and things you want to change about yourself. But, I think that to some degree or another, this may still be a wonky CNS.

 

nz11's experience points to evidence for this. Maybe there is a bit of hope knowing someone has come out of similar feelings to discover they weren't all real....they were still WD, even if just partially.

[WiggleIt]

Just here to catch up in your news.

[WiggleIt]

I think Wildflower may be into something in saying that you may still have wonky CNS to some degree. Whatever lifelong issues you may have I believe may still be aggravated by the changes the meds made on your brain.

 

I am a different person now with a different temper (vicious now, but would only have been described as sweet and patient prior to meds) than I was before meds. I imagine that if medications could change a mild-mannered person into an angry one, then they could certainly leave behind some residual emphasis making a "bossy" person seem bossier.

 

As far as "changing" or "fixing" it about yourself, maybe you don't have to. Maybe you could just politicize your way out of it if a situation of criticism arises. If someone says you are "bossy," respond by saying, "Oh, gosh, that's just my tone, but I can assure you I am not trying to boss you! Please take my tone with a grain of salt and I'll work on trying not to sound bossy in the future."

 

Whether or not you change isn't the point. The point is that if you put those words out there, then people might change the way they approach YOU once they realize you have different intentions from the intentions they perceived.

 

It's just a tiny little political trick. And, yes, it's annoying that people have to play some level of politics to survive in the world, but that is true of EVERY job, situation, or group of friends to which we belong. It's also true in support groups.

 

So, no, you may not have to change yourself, but you may have to learn to communicate about yourself to help people see past the stuff that trips them up about you.

 

You have a very blunt tone, including when you are being nice. But it probably takes someone with some semblance of brains to figure that out. Most people in this world aren't really paying attention to the nuances of other people's personalities, so they don't catch that detail about you. You're not the type of person who uses bluntness as a veiled excuse to cut people down, but perhaps other people hear your blunt tone and they assume something incorrect about you. Maybe all you need to do is find the right words to nudge them to see past that.

 

Also, sometimes we have to accept that there are people in this world who will never like us, no matter what. Somehow, we have to learn to let it roll off our backs, or else we could end up quitting stuff that we don't want to quit.

 

CW, you can have a "bossy" tone at times, but that is not the same as being a bossy or a bad person. That's why I used the word "blunt" above. Don't let other people make you think that your bossy tone is a reason for you to walk away from something you enjoy (assuming you still enjoyed the flower shop).

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hey Wiggle,

 

Thanks for reminding me I have some comments here to answer.

 

The whole thing with the flower shop is one big confusion in my mind and I don't know how to process it except to just say 'screw it'. What looked like a dream job lost its charm the longer I was there and watched how the owner was running things. Things, that if kept up, would likely cause the business to just slide down the tubes. My criticism of the way things were going (not all of them voiced except to myself) combined with a massive lack of faith in management made me really uncomfortable about waiting around hoping the finances would turn around and there might be a job available.

 

But still and all, there was the 'me' in this equation. The critical, judgmental me, the 'me' I have always hated. NZ, I just don't see where this is still wd no matter how much I want to believe that. Nope, I have reverted to the difficult-to-get-along-with person that just cannot keep a job. I need outside activity and don't know how to find it. I need a steady source of income and I 'should' be working but I cannot pull it off.

 

Wiggle, I see your reply and oh that remark about my 'bluntness' really hurt. And I know exactly where it comes from, that is the way my parents always treated me and my sister. They never gave a thought about how their words might be perceived by their children, they never cared if we got hurt feelings. I guess I have been the perfect daughter: I treat others exactly how I was treated.

 

So this just proves my point that it is not wd but the way that I am. It just never goes away so why do I bother? My self loathing is deserved if I cause people to make remarks such as yours. There is truly no place for people like me except to keep to myself and shut the hell up.

[WiggleIt]

Oh, no, I was NOT trying to be hurtful and I am SO sorry that was what I caused!!!

[WiggleIt]

Being blunt is NOT the same thing as being unkind!!! I also wrote that above, but I should have emphasized it more!!!

 

One of my best friends in the world is one of the most blunt people I've ever met, but she is also the most loyal and trustworthy person I've ever met!!! Bluntness is NOT a bad quality. Bluntness is only bad when people use it as an excuse to hurt others.

 

Also, we should address the double standard of genders in this world. Men who are blunt are NEVER perceived poorly at work. Women who are blunt ARE perceived that way. There are zillions of old and new sociology studies discussing this very double standard.

 

I think there are a lot of layers in what you're going through right now, but I think you are oversimplifying and zoning in on the worst layer possible, the fixation that you have some horrible shortcoming. You DON'T.

 

So what if you're a bit blunt? You're also blunt when you're NICE. Guess what else I just said? That you are NICE.

 

There are different kinds of bluntness in this world. Some people use bluntness as an excuse to be mean and they say "Oh, that's just the way I am. I'm a very direct person," but deep down inside they know they are using their bluntness to get away with being mean to others. That is NOT the type of bluntness you have. Your bluntness is that you simply don't use a lot of filler words to get your message across.

 

For example, when you are telling someone to keep their chin up, you are more the type of person who will say, "Chin up, things will get better." But you are not the type of person who will say, "Chin up, my dear little lamb, for things will get better." That's what I meant when I said you are also blunt when you're nice. You're not going to call somebody your dear little lamb, but you ARE kind enough to reach out to encourage them. Does this distinction make sense?

[WiggleIt]

All jobs lose their appeal the longer we stay and see how things are run by idiots. That is a normal human job experience that literally EVERYONE experiences.

[Petunia]

My natural communication style is to be rather direct too, so I'm just going to go with it here to save myself the energy of translating it into something more socially typical. (for women anyway, as wiggle pointed out)

 

...... Because I am too smart. All I want to do is use my brains to help people with technology and instead, they are threatened by me.

 

 

You are very smart, highly intelligent with a lot of technical skills. As lovely as a flower shop may be, its a waste of your talents. Buy yourself a bunch of flowers once a week and figure out how to use what you are good at to support yourself.

 

My first thought is to put up a few flyers or a small ad in a local paper, advertising your computer help services. Maybe with a few incentives to get you started like "no call out fee"  "its fixed or its free".... kind of thing.

 

There is truly no place for people like me except to keep to myself and shut the hell up.

 

From my perspective it would be more accurate to say that you haven't yet found a place where your particular talents, knowledge and experience have been valued and rewarded.

 

I saw a quote somewhere recently, it was something like "when you keep trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, not only does it take a lot of energy, but the square peg gets damaged"

[nz11]

NZ, I just don't see where this is still wd no matter how much I want to believe that. Nope, I have reverted to the difficult-to-get-along-with person that just cannot keep a job. I need outside activity and don't know how to find it. I need a steady source of income and I 'should' be working but I cannot pull it off.

Well people are taking years to recover from this insult to their humanity. Lets not forget the Alto took 9 years. Neuro emotions are still alive and firing at 2yrs.

Regarding the job thing i think Petu has a great idea. You know you could even make a sign and put it at the front of the letterbox or on the frontlawn. 'I fix computers 4 u' ph:123456 or something. I can think of several people who have done this in my neighbourhood. Everyone has a computer so i bet you will have work within a few days. I am sure you are the sort of person who would enjoy being your own boss. So why not give it a go.

 

[WiggleIt]

Oh, CW, you haven't posted on your thread again since my poorly worded comment and I really am so sorry. I didn't find the right words to express what I meant and am worried that I messed up the rest of your day.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Don't worry Wig, I am trying to get over the car accident, the flower shop lady's shunning of me, and my feelings about all of this. I'm hurt to the core, very discouraged and beaten down inside. But I have to follow my own words and not keep posting my despair. When faced with the prospect that I may never be able to support myself, it's hard for a pessimistic person to see a future. I have already had a business fixing computers and still have a few clients but it has never been steady work. That is why I can see the wisdom in Petunia's words but can't see my future in it. There is no place for me to go and that stops me cold.

 

I really do need to shut up. Recovery from the drugs has made me worse as it has done for many of us. I am able bodied and CAN work but I can't keep inflicting this damage on myself.

[oskcajga]

Don't worry Wig, I am trying to get over the car accident, the flower shop lady's shunning of me, and my feelings about all of this. I'm hurt to the core, very discouraged and beaten down inside. But I have to follow my own words and not keep posting my despair. When faced with the prospect that I may never be able to support myself, it's hard for a pessimistic person to see a future. I have already had a business fixing computers and still have a few clients but it has never been steady work. That is why I can see the wisdom in Petunia's words but can't see my future in it. There is no place for me to go and that stops me cold.

 

I really do need to shut up. Recovery from the drugs has made me worse as it has done for many of us. I am able bodied and CAN work but I can't keep inflicting this damage on myself.

 

Hey Wiggle,

 

Thanks for reminding me I have some comments here to answer.

 

The whole thing with the flower shop is one big confusion in my mind and I don't know how to process it except to just say 'screw it'. What looked like a dream job lost its charm the longer I was there and watched how the owner was running things. Things, that if kept up, would likely cause the business to just slide down the tubes. My criticism of the way things were going (not all of them voiced except to myself) combined with a massive lack of faith in management made me really uncomfortable about waiting around hoping the finances would turn around and there might be a job available.

 

But still and all, there was the 'me' in this equation. The critical, judgmental me, the 'me' I have always hated. NZ, I just don't see where this is still wd no matter how much I want to believe that. Nope, I have reverted to the difficult-to-get-along-with person that just cannot keep a job. I need outside activity and don't know how to find it. I need a steady source of income and I 'should' be working but I cannot pull it off.

 

Wiggle, I see your reply and oh that remark about my 'bluntness' really hurt. And I know exactly where it comes from, that is the way my parents always treated me and my sister. They never gave a thought about how their words might be perceived by their children, they never cared if we got hurt feelings. I guess I have been the perfect daughter: I treat others exactly how I was treated.

 

So this just proves my point that it is not wd but the way that I am. It just never goes away so why do I bother? My self loathing is deserved if I cause people to make remarks such as yours. There is truly no place for people like me except to keep to myself and shut the hell up.

 

So are you saying that you no longer have any withdrawal symptoms 2 years out?

[Flowers]

So sorry things are not good for you at the moment. Those people in the flower shop don't seem to be very nice.

 

Life can be very hard and the more we put ourselves out there the more we lay ourselves open to be hurt by people. But that is just life -  people who are fine ie not in withdrawal or who have scars from childhood etc would find situations like yours hard to deal with.

 

Please don't give up CW - not everyone is nasty and you might just meet someone you hit if off with.

 

I have a friend here who is very good with computers but is unemployable . He started helping an elderly couple to use their computer so they could keep in touch with their family in the UK and this has really taken off. Word has spread and he now has lots of clients who are not computer literate and gets out and about every day.

 

Something will come along that suits you. Hiding away will only make you feel worse. Get out there, hold your head up  and show these people what you have to offer. OK, you maybe a little direct sometimes but your heart is in the right place. That is all that matters.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Flowers xxx

[Petunia]

I have already had a business fixing computers and still have a few clients but it has never been steady work.

 

I might be completely wrong here, so ignore me if I am. But are you thinking of this business the same way you would think of a dog grooming business or a lawn mowing service?

 

Fur and grass keep growing and need to be cut on a regular basis. But generally, computers only mess up occasionally, so I would think a main focus of this kind of business and part of what you need to keep doing, is advertising for new clients.

 

You may still have some withdrawal issues going on and/or this may just be part of your personality. But regardless, there's nothing you can do about either of those, so you might as well focus on what you can do.

 

Like you wrote, you are able bodied and you can work, so work on resurrecting your computer business. Its what you want to do, your own words....

 

 All I want to do is use my brains to help people with technology

 

But first you will have to use your brains to put you in contact with those people who who need you. There are people out there who need you CW, help them to find you.

[Wildflower0214]

My friend's husband has a decent business helping people who are are not technologically inclined. He helps them with computer stuff, sets up wi-fi, Netflix, all kinds of stuff....

 

He is in Florida. Where he is there are a lot of elderly people, so it works out great! I don't know what the demographic is where you are...

 

But, let me say, if I could afford to hire someone to set up certain things for me... I WOULD in a heartbeat. It's not that I can't do it. It's that it will take me 3x as long as someone like you and by the time I'm done figuring it out I will be so irritable and pissed off it will have ruined my day. I hate technology. And I'm not alone in feeling this way. I mean, I would literally fork over 50-60 bucks to have you set up Netflix and tell me how to use it!!!! It would prob take you 20 minutes!!!

 

Anyways, things to think about...

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

ah WF, all it takes is a phone call. I can tell people how to do stuff over the phone or use an app to connect to their device. I have always been available for that sort of thing for the members here but no one has ever asked.

 

Several years ago an app called 'Soluto' came out and I was dying to use it but never had the chance to. It connects via a web browser as opposed to a 'gotomypc' type app.

 

I have recently worked on a couple of laptops and the app was installed by default. But I was right in front of the pc and did not need it. There are lots of ways to skin a cat, you see. Phone, apps, word pictures.

 

Has to be 'pro bono', though. I have lots of karma to burn off....

[manymoretodays]

 

"ah WF, all it takes is a phone call. I can tell people how to do stuff over the phone or use an app to connect to their device. I have always been available for that sort of thing for the members here but no one has ever asked.

 

Several years ago an app called 'Soluto' came out and I was dying to use it but never had the chance to. It connects via a web browser as opposed to a 'gotomypc' type app.

 

I have recently worked on a couple of laptops and the app was installed by default. But I was right in front of the pc and did not need it. There are lots of ways to skin a cat, you see. Phone, apps, word pictures.

 

Has to be 'pro bono', though. I have lots of karma to burn off...."

 

Hey, stopped by to thank you again for your time, suggestions, and expertise.  Of course I did not get the quote part done right........well whatdidya expect........miracles......LOL. 

 

And of course would be honored to to use your "pro bono" karmic services at a later date.

 

I can relate to coming off of Effexor as well.  Although at that time I am certain I probably just got re medicated with something else.........guessing that's when I started the evil Lexapro.  I think also that both Effexor and Cymbalta are somewhat related in class.........bunch of evil, never should have been formulated drugs!!!!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Many,

 

Effexor and cymbalta are both SNRIs and as such are the devil's crap, in my book. I am coming to the end of my 3rd year off drugs (in Oct) and things are still not right. All my personality and character defects seem to be magnified somehow and resist my efforts to change them. The whole time I was at the flower shop I was seething with rage inside and it was not because of the flower shop people. I know I was angry at myself and feeling abandoned by the mods and admins here (no offense to them, it was just me) and had no one to turn to to work out what might be the problem. Sad thing is, no one here seems to be at the same level as me that is still posting on a regular basis. Mods have enough to do than to answer my questions so I don't even ask. I can't even begin to figure out what is wrong but something is. The anger is not rational.

 

Surprisingly, the anger seems to have subsided but I am no less lost and hurt about what has happened. What in the holy hell is wrong with me and how can I fix it? As Petu said, part of the problem is trying to stuff myself into the round hole of 'job' when I have all these sharp angles and spikes sticking out all over me. I am shocked at the meanness of my thoughts sometimes, in my mind are constant thoughts of criticism, and jealousy - where is all of this crap coming from? I have always been critical but mainly directed at myself. Now it just keeps cycling through my head all of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I have said things out loud.

 

I do know that with my critical eye on what I saw going on at the flower place I could not stay. But why did it matter to me anyway? Why couldn't I turn it off? Lots of people feel as I do but they get along. How is it that I seem to be a worse person now than when I was on the drugs?

 

I want to thank Petu, Flowers, Wildflower, Nz11 and who ever all else commented on my thread recently and gave me support (got too many tears in my eyes right now to look back through my thread for anyone else). And Manymoretodays, thanks for the vote of friendship. You all have no idea how much that means to me. I've been feeling like pond scum and we all know that not too many people like to get friendly with pond scum. I can make myself feel icky but where can I run to to get away? The scum won't wash off.

 

I am completely mystified by all that has happened recently. I do not know who I am anymore and it is not a good feeling. I don't like who I have to live with every day but I don't know how to make her be different. She used to be able to figure out anything and get along for the most part. She has always been spiky but not as bad as this. This is a new record for the shortest time at a job. Wait, no it isn't. But it is up there.....

 

Oh these damn drugs are ruining so many lives. There are days I can hardly bear to bring up the site on my browser and see all the new horrible stories from people who have made their way here looking for help. I hate that I can't be a good example of someone who made it through the worst of withdrawal but who now has no control over her emotions and actions and is not grateful to be alive. I wish my life would hurry up and be over. How am I going to be able to take care of myself?

[Wildflower0214]

Ok, reading this new post... I am SURE some of this is still WD. It's just a bunch of neuro emotion magnifying everything! I have the SAME thing. I am jealous and critical and mean right now. I always have been very very blunt (something we have in common) I have never minced words. But, it has never been this big of a problem.

 

The way I see it... WD brings out the ugly parts of our personality... And puts them on steroids. That is why the feelings seem familiar, there may be a shred of truth in them, but not to the degree you are experiencing. I promise!! You may have all the issues you state, but the WD is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

 

This is not all you!!! It is NOT.

 

I empathize with your feelings. I have had or have all of them. You are not alone. You will come out of this and then you will be left with the same thing all of us are going to be left with.... Ourselves.... And that same person who could figure out what she needed to and could navigate life, even if she was bit "spiky". She will be there. She IS there. She is you...

[oskcajga]

Many,

 

Effexor and cymbalta are both SNRIs and as such are the devil's crap, in my book. I am coming to the end of my 3rd year off drugs (in Oct) and things are still not right. All my personality and character defects seem to be magnified somehow and resist my efforts to change them. The whole time I was at the flower shop I was seething with rage inside and it was not because of the flower shop people. I know I was angry at myself and feeling abandoned by the mods and admins here (no offense to them, it was just me) and had no one to turn to to work out what might be the problem. Sad thing is, no one here seems to be at the same level as me that is still posting on a regular basis. Mods have enough to do than to answer my questions so I don't even ask. I can't even begin to figure out what is wrong but something is. The anger is not rational.

 

Surprisingly, the anger seems to have subsided but I am no less lost and hurt about what has happened. What in the holy hell is wrong with me and how can I fix it? As Petu said, part of the problem is trying to stuff myself into the round hole of 'job' when I have all these sharp angles and spikes sticking out all over me. I am shocked at the meanness of my thoughts sometimes, in my mind are constant thoughts of criticism, and jealousy - where is all of this crap coming from? I have always been critical but mainly directed at myself. Now it just keeps cycling through my head all of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I have said things out loud.

 

I do know that with my critical eye on what I saw going on at the flower place I could not stay. But why did it matter to me anyway? Why couldn't I turn it off? Lots of people feel as I do but they get along. How is it that I seem to be a worse person now than when I was on the drugs?

 

I want to thank Petu, Flowers, Wildflower, Nz11 and who ever all else commented on my thread recently and gave me support (got too many tears in my eyes right now to look back through my thread for anyone else). And Manymoretodays, thanks for the vote of friendship. You all have no idea how much that means to me. I've been feeling like pond scum and we all know that not too many people like to get friendly with pond scum. I can make myself feel icky but where can I run to to get away? The scum won't wash off.

 

I am completely mystified by all that has happened recently. I do not know who I am anymore and it is not a good feeling. I don't like who I have to live with every day but I don't know how to make her be different. She used to be able to figure out anything and get along for the most part. She has always been spiky but not as bad as this. This is a new record for the shortest time at a job. Wait, no it isn't. But it is up there.....

 

Oh these damn drugs are ruining so many lives. There are days I can hardly bear to bring up the site on my browser and see all the new horrible stories from people who have made their way here looking for help. I hate that I can't be a good example of someone who made it through the worst of withdrawal but who now has no control over her emotions and actions and is not grateful to be alive. I wish my life would hurry up and be over. How am I going to be able to take care of myself?

 

Not to minimize your statement at all, but you sound like you're doing extremely well physiologically.  I can't even begin to address your "higher order" problems - or "quality problems" - such as the fact that you're dealing with all these "problematic emotions".  Like I totally understand that they suck, and it's going to take a lot of work to try to get over the unexplainable anger, sadness, etc, and to try to work on yourself and "adapt" your skillsets so that you can etch a life for yourself in this world.  But on the other hand, I'm looking at your problems like a homeless begger looks at a rich girl who's complaining about how slow her iphone is working.  It's like a completely different world.

 

I think you mentioned that in your post - you're at this intermediate stage between the disabled state that many folks (including myself) are in - and the ever elusive "full recovery". 

 

I look to you in an awe inspired way - in a sort of "wow" like way because of how well and recovered and "functional" you are compared to where I am.

 

So I'll ask you a question:  did you have severe anhedonia and memory problems and intense burning pain and nerve damage pain - were you able to get to your current state through all that. 

 

Honestly, in spite of the difficulties expressed in your post- and I am sorry things are going poorly for you - it has served to give me a little bit of hope and inspiration.  What I wouldn't give to be in your physiological place right now.

 

Anyways - please continue to come around here, your posts are extremely intelligent, well researched, and well articulated. 

 

Also - from what little I remember about being "normal" - I used to find meditation, and congitive behavioral therapy to be unexpectedly helpful in dealing with a lot of the emotions that you're describing.  In terms of how to support yourself - you seem to be higher intelligence than most - so perhaps a managerial position somewhere would suite you better than a job at a flower shop?  I think your stories about the flower shop are humerous and interesting too - because I sort of have that same type of personality - I NEVER did well in a typical job - I got fired from the majority of them, or just got so bored I'd quit or dispapear or behave michivously or get into problems with my managers.  Eventually I went into academia through a serious of very good fortunes, and ended up being able to call the shots and do what I wanted - and it worked out better that way.  So I think having your own business, or being in a power position would be best for someone of your personality type - that way if someone disagrees with you, you can just exercise your "discretion" and do as you please without direct consequence.

 

It's harder that way - but once you're in that sort of position it's like nothing else imaginable and all of a sudden all the problems I once had dealing with other people went out the window - and I just did what I wanted when I wanted, and how I wanted (for the most part). 

[manymoretodays]

I hate the "mean thoughts" too.  Maybe it's got something to do with self talk?  Or just letting them in......acknowledging......then letting them out.  I know.....not that simplistic.  Do you do any movement therapies at all.......or meditative type stuff.  That helps me.  But sometimes too much.......I wind up going out there all loving and kind and very naive/pollyanna-ish.......and not really balanced in the middle either.

 

I don't think they hit me as frequently as I sense you are describing in yourself but.......for me.......I just know I have to at least acknowledge that yah, here they are again........don't resist......but also don't share them so much with my few valued supports(I mean I start to and then catch it and stop).......as I know and you probably know too........that being a critical type obsessed with negativity........is just not going keep other people around long.  I need a least a few peeps in my life.  And I guess I really do know that the critical me.......is not the whole of me.......is not my very being......and I can more or less just share the more easier side of me stuff.  Sometimes.  Othertimes......still fully immersed and stuck.

 

I mean just in "real life".  Do not.....please do not feel like I am condemning or judging........what you are sharing is immensely valuable to me, and it is........well, it just is for now..........and I hear your frustration........I mean I hear my own in your frustration too.  Kind of the when do we get to be who we really are thing because this just sucks???!!!!!

 

"The way I see it... WD brings out the ugly parts of our personality... And puts them on steroids. That is why the feelings seem familiar, there may be a shred of truth in them, but not to the degree you are experiencing. I promise!! You may have all the issues you state, but the WD is like pouring gasoline on a fire."  That from WF.  Poifect!!!

 

And hey......is this teal color annoying for anyone?  Habit I spose......but I can go regular if it is.

[Flowers]

CW I can relate a little to the anger and jealousy. I have moments when something comes over me and I hate everyone and can have so many evil thoughts it scares me! Not only is it directed to people who I love (I am ashamed to say) but to people I haven't even met!

 

The other day my husband was driving and we went through a tunnel. A crazy motorcyclist overtook us in the tunnel at great speed which was very dangerous and stupid and also very noisy. The loud noise went straight through my head and I screamed at my husband that if the motorcyclist was stopped at the next set of traffic lights I was getting out to smack him one!! I was so mad I would have killed him! Luckily the lights were green so no motorcyclist got attacked. Normally I would have just let it go and am such a mild mannered person. What the heck happened there?!!!

 

I find that walking a little every day helps me if I can find the motivation,energy and a peaceful place to do it. I thrash out all sorts of thoughts going through my head and end up feeling more calm. My husband suggested getting a punch bag to vent some of my angst!

 

Who knows what is causing this. It has to be  something to do with the drugs as we haven't been like it before.  But this will hopefully be a temporary thing that we just have to work through like all the other symptoms we have had to contend with.

 

Lets hope that this doesn't last long for you and in the meantime keep posting and getting it all out of your system. Someone may read it and be able to give you helpful advice or have gone through it themselves.

 

These are tough times for you CW but you are not alone. You have friends here and we care about you.

 

xxxx

[Petunia]

I don't know what to say right now, but I can do this

 

 

Many of us here think you're pretty wonderful just the way you are.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Awww, Petunia, thank you very much. It occurs to me that not a lot of people keep porcupines as pets but if they do it is because they really like them inspite of their 'spiky' exterior. I am touched beyond words.

 

People that know me have learned how to deal with my 'spikes' but I wonder if I will ever be the kind of person that people don't have to 'warn' other people about, especially when recommending me as a person to do work for them. The flower shop lady did that (I do not know what she said but she told me about it when she said she recommended me for some computer work for an acquaintance of hers) and it hurt me. I began the work for the person, who interupted it because of an out of town trip. She has yet to call me back to resume it and I am glad because I did not really want to continue. There was a bit of friction on the last day, she was unhappy with my work. So it is just as well.

 

This is what happens with me: in new situations, I am happy to share what I know about whatever happens to pop up, especially when technology is concerned. I love to teach people how to do things but what I don't have much patience for is people who keep asking me for the same help over and over again because they don't (won't? can't?) learn it for themselves. At that point I'll get surly and uncommunicative and start avoiding them (we are talking work situations here where there is daily contact.) All downhill from there, no one likes to be avoided and I cannot seem to deal with things in a more adult manner. Like making it "not matter".

 

Understandably, they are mystified by my attitude change and probably very hurt and for my part I am upset because I cannot tell them why my behavior has changed (I feel used and unappreciated but wasn't that my own fault?) So their retaliation (in this case, locking the doors) is understandable because they are hurt. I don't usually go that far, I just drop all contact with people I cannot deal with. I shut them out, won't talk to them anymore.

 

So this is the person I am and don't like. I can see where the way I was raised, by an overly critical father and an uncommunicative mother, had a hand in creating my behavior. The 'avoidance of attachment' theory I talked about in my thread last year really rings true for me.

 

So here is how it is now: for some strange reason, the irrational anger and ruminative thoughts have left me and so has the suicidal thinking. There are some things I am avoiding thinking about and dealing with because they will cause me a lot of anxiety so I just 'change the channel' when they come up. I'll have to confront them eventually, though. For the last several days I have taken refuge in my intellect by researching the CES devices and writing my take on them here on the board and fixing a friend's computer. But that is a lot of continuous sitting in the chair and it has to stop. Already my left arm in the crook of my elbow is starting to ache, I injured it by staying in one position so long while trying to keep myself from losing it while confined to my house because of acute wd. Also, the backs of my knees are hurting too, where the chair touches them. It is from the tendon sheaths being starved of oxygen from not moving my legs enough. Those injuries as a result of wd may never heal.

 

I had to overcome a lot of aches and pains from moving the frozen parts of my body when I started that job and now I am in danger of freezing up again because I don't want to leave my house and 'get hurt' again. I hate exercise right now, it is a lot easier to go to a job and move around purposefully, but a lot harder for my emotions to take.

 

I have got to turn off the computer and get away from here, it is helping me emotionally but hurting me physically. I thank everyone who has commented on my thread, you have all helped me and given me the support I crave and cannot give to myself. You have all said lots of good things I am still thinking about and trying to figure out how I can put them into practice. (But Osk, surely you know that it is easier for people with testicles to walk into jobs where they are in charge, lots harder for those with ovaries AND personality problems....) I have to get the computer thing started up again, it is true, but I have to balance all that sitting with something physical that compels me to leave the house and get outside. I don't want to get sick again either and that can happen.

 

So I am going to stop following the "How To Use This Site" forum for technology support questions, someone else will have to jump in. I'll have to stop reading threads too, bummer, because there are lots of people I keep tabs on here. But I have to do it or I risk having a bigger problem to deal with if I don't. It is probably a good idea. It is time to 'get a life', I am out of balance with so much of my life being 'here' and not in the 'real world'.

[moodyblues78]

It is time to 'get a life', I am out of balance with so much of my life being 'here' and not in the 'real world'.

This sounds very healthy and positive. I had to do that too.

[manymoretodays]

Yes......I should do that too soon.  It does help through the tough times......all this internet time.......not necessarily wasted I guess.  But woah......yes, I agree.....I am way off balance with my current, fairly addictive internet usage.

 

Hey CW5600, if you don't mind.  What is a blue light?  And are there special glasses for when one is in front of a computer screen a lot that minimize the ? strain?  I do have to wear reading glasses now too for screens so IDK......if they would adapt or what?  Or just give me some links.  Here, my intro., or msg.  Thank you.

 

I think I recall you mentioning these 2 items.  And I do some days definitely get some screen fatigue or something eyewise?

[johnson]

Hey CW,

 

It sounds like you are doing much better! That's great news.

I really like what you posted on Blue's thread the other day. Especially this part below;

 

You just have to trust those of us who have made it to the other side that you will make it too. Your mind is filled with stories of doom and gloom and of 'not healing' that you have gotten from reading people's threads that sound a lot like yours. That is a mistake because those people are mistaken, they WILL heal, they just cannot see it just as you cannot. For some it takes a very long time but healing is taking place every minute of the day. It just is not visible (until it is).

 

I'm still struggling right now with everything. I've been praying this whole week to God(i'm not relgious) for all this to be over. To heal me now. I've been off my pills for 2 years and 8 months.

I think I'm really just tired of all this. I just want this to be over and to get my second chance at life. Thanks for your kind words on my thread in the past. You've helped push me through to make it this far. Sorry if I hijacked your thread in anyway.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Frist psot (oooh, I always wanted to be able to write that!) is up on the blog in my sig. Comments are moderated (I think).

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I want to make a note of something about body changes, specifically weight/fat distribution before and after antidepressants.

 

After some time of being on ADs I developed a lot of fat around my middle and some years into my last 8 year stint with cymbalta I noticed one day that I had a lot of fat on my back. Especially in the area where you reach around your chest and grab that chunk of fat beside your armpit. It seems to be decreasing somewhat but it is still there. I still have a bit of 'fat apron' where I can put my hands on either side of my belly above the leg fold and grab a chunk there.

 

Last year after acute wd passed I noticed that my glasses were really hurting my nose and I determined that I had lost the fat pad that had been on the bridge. I got used to it somehow. Now, since I have been on the diet and have started exercising again, I noticed something really weird. You know that dent women often get on their shoulders where their bra strap rides? Mine used to be real deep and now it is gone! My shoulders slope gently and evenly down from my neck now. I had no clue that was a 'user changeable' setting, thought it was permanent. The ankle and hand swelling I had developed from a winter and spring of too much sitting evaporated as soon as I started being active at the flower shop. I never even considered leaving off the salt I shook on my salad every day. Now with the weight loss, my wrists and ankle bones are sticking out as before. But the bulging veins I developed in acute wd are still there and look terrible on my hands especially.

 

But I am noticing something odd and I do not know if it is due to my use of the tDCS or not. I've been writing a lot in a couple of threads here. I've always kinda liked writing if I can get myself started but I think that lately I have been running off at the mouth. My posts have been long, maybe too long. The word 'logorrhea' keeps buzzing in my head so I looked it up and the definitions I found shocked me:

 

"logorrhea (countable and uncountable, plural logorrheas) (American). (psychology) An excessive and often uncontrollable flow of words."

 

excessive volubility, with rapid, pressured speech, as in manic episodes of bipolar disorder and some cases of schizophrenia

 

Well, I don't think I am becoming manic because I don't feel 'pressured' to speak. I think it might be because I am stuck at home again with no one to talk to except my computer screen. But I am a bit concerned.

 

I also found this cartoon (which I don't think I'll ever be able to unsee or unthink whenever I use the word 'logorrhea':

 

 

from this site where the author quotes quite a few religious and philosophical sources that say shutting the heck up is a good idea. You know, why open your mouth and confirm you are a fool instead of keeping mum and letting them guess.

 

My only consolation is that no one has to read my stuff if they don't want to. And I'll make a donation to the site which hosts my pearls of wisdom.

 

I am still going to keep up with my tDCS, I haven't even got the current all the way up yet and am at only half the recommended treatment time. I may have to switch to a different montage though, I am using the depression one and I have been having a heck of a time figuring out math stuff for some reason. The concepts are getting snarled up somewhere. I do not feel depressed and I did not before I started, at least not the kind of depression I am used to and which became horribly malignant in wd.

[Tilly]

Hi Cymbalta

 

You are really harsh on yourself. Play nice now!

 

It really does sound to me like WD is playing a part in how you are viewing yourself. I think that most of us have felt this way. I certainly have.

 

Whilst you are having these negative feelings about yourself it is very difficult to make constructive / positive changes in your life or view the future with anything other than dread and negativity. But this is not a true picture of who you are or what your future can look like. It is a skewed perspective arising from negative / neuro emotions.

 

You are a kind, compassionate and wise woman. You posted such compassionate and thorough advice for me recently which really gave me a lot to think about and helped me so much. Try to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others? I find it upsetting to hear you be so harsh on yourself. It is not at all deserved. You have been through enough, Cymbalta. Do not hurt yourself. You are not deserving of punishment or hurt self administered or otherwise. You are deserving of the kindness and compassion that you show to others.

 

I hope that your day is kind to you xxx

[LoveandLight]

Hope you are well CW..

[Tilly]

Thinking of you, my friend.

 

Tillyx

 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I started to read this because of a comment made by Freespirit, he seems to be saying a lot of the things I cannot quite get out at the moment. Then I started reading upthread and found a post made by me that was in an entirely different thread.

 

Please remove my post entirely, I do not want to be a part of this discussion precisely because of the very upsetting post Skyler made as a reply to it. To me her response was very unprofessional and not worthy of a mod. I do not like how she worded her comment about 'charlatans' but I have no voice here, Alto approves of her comment so I must bow out.

 

I have struggled for days since then, wanting to say something but unable to do so. I am finding this board very unsupportive of late but unable to say anything for fear of being banned. There is nowhere for some of us to go to get support. I cannot believe I suffered through the horror of wd to be reduced to wanting a few crumbs of support from an online board. I had hoped life was going to be better.

 

I guess its just time to cut the cord.