☼ moodyblues78: The fight is on (Zoloft/Diazepam)

[JanCarol]

Wow MoodyB!

 

You did it!  You may not be free (we all have some lingering something, we come out different people) but you are through the worst of it, surely!

 

SO - based on your username, I make an assumption about music.  My household is all about Yes; some of my dear friends in Norway and Sweden are great fans.  They taught us to like Roine Stoldt and the Flower Kings.  And Kaipa.  Very intense, hard working musicians!

 

Thank you for sharing your journey!

[moodyblues78]

Hi Petu and JanCarol

 

Anger and inability to handle stress definitely were a part of my life before drugs. WD just has amplified these symptoms to an extreme. I can control them these days quite well since I recognize them for what they are. I believe I will come out of this stronger than ever. Hell, I already am in many aspects. In time I will be able to utilize my new skills better and better.

 

Music is something that kept me alive when I was young. So it definitely is a very important thing. Making music gave me something positive and constructive to do. I felt good about it and I felt I had achieved something being able to play and compose. It was a life saver.

 

I just had my best weekend in ages. Apart from friday night when I was very tired, I`ve been almost back to normal. At times even better than that. It is nice to know that it is possible even if I`m not completely there yet. Windows show us what the future can be. Believe in it and it will.

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

 

☼

 

to the title of your Intro topic.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[moodyblues78]

Thanks for the sun!

 

This was a hard day. My daughter had surgery. Nothing major. She is ok. I was more stressed because of it than i realized. My hearing has been in a very bad shape today. I managed to sleep and that helped a bit. I still managed to go for 2 long walks with the dog today. 

 

It was shocking to realize that my heart rate is now same when I`m walking than it was while running 12 yrs ago. Thanks to burnout, depression and ad I am now severely overweight and in a horrible shape.

 

Time to change that! 

[moodyblues78]

2 months and 2 days off.

 

Mentally feeling ok.

 

Nerves are very raw. Sensitive to everything.

[LoveandLight]

Good your feeling ok

[moodyblues78]

I have nothing more to give for my own thread. I`ve said everything I want. Many times. Mods, please lock it if that is what you do here. My next goal is to get my body in condition and I have found another support group for that. 

 

Thank you all for stopping by I am forever grateful for all the support I`ve gotten here.

 

It is time to move on. Take care.

[Altostrata]

MB, please do check in from time to time and let us know how you are doing.

 

In a bit, when you feel you're completely out of withdrawal syndrome, please come back and write your Success Story topic.

 

Until then, au revoir.

[moodyblues78]

3 months off.

 

Earlier on I felt like not writing here anymore but here I am. I guess it is important to me to journal my healing phase too if i need reassurance later on. Or maybe I just needed some attention. Can`t remember anymore but who cares.

 

Many ways I`m feeling better than just after jumping but last few weeks have been very stressful and that has triggered some panic attacks. Nothing bad but annoying still. My underlying fears still trigger symptoms but I know them so well. I just keep on going without giving them much attention and few moments later I can no longer remember what triggered it. Lesson learned. Fear/trigger loses some of it`s power. Bring on the next one. Practice makes perfect.

 

Depression seems to be gone for now. That is great. This crushing hopeless depression used to be my constant companion while tapering. For months I just said to myself over and over again that this will pass. For a long time I did not believe that it would but it did.

 

It is like my all own defense mechanisms have been stolen by the meds and I have to learn to live again. So I`m very young in my seconds life that is full of fears and opportunities. Now I just need to do and learn. I am much wiser that the first time around but also I`m much more scared. For now.

 

Fear is the force that keeps so many people here. Being scared alone is enough to trigger bad symptoms. Some only focus on being bitter about the things they can not do anymore.

 

My unasked tip: Do more and the fear will lessen and focus on what you can do instead of donts and build it up from there. Healing is very very slow but it happens if you believe in it. No matter how bad you feel.

 

That`s all. Kids are fighting again so I need to go yell at them.

 

Bye!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

For whatever reason you came back, I am glad to hear an update from you. I am glad to hear your depression is relieved.

[moodyblues78]

Thanks CW.

 

I hope you are finally getting some relief.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Only a tiny bit Moody. Been going to AA meetings because I am craving people contact. I actually thought about drinking again to relieve the stress. One or 2 hours a day listening to the stories of others is taking my mind away from feeding on itself for at least that amount of time. Not a very good way to live.

[moodyblues78]

It`s official. Broken sleep, panic attacks and breathing difficulties are back.

 

I am not surprised. Too fast taper, too much stress and a nasty virus are a strong trio. 

 

As much as I hate these symptoms it is nice to notice my attitude towards them compared to year ago this same time. Symptoms are similar but my mind does not get fooled by them much. So I recover fast. I am going to take this setback as an opportunity to see progress and practice. Also it is a good reminder on how long my recovery is going to be and how carefully I should avoid unnecessary stress and take better care of myself.

 

It`s time to polish my surfboard and ride this wave. 

[Meimeiquest]

You go! I remember how depressed I was about that far off an AD. Surf on!

[moodyblues78]

4 months off.

 

April was hard. Full of waves. But here I am. One more month behind me. Still struggling a lot but life is worth living again. Progress is painfully slow but it is there. It can only be seen by comparing to 2 months or more back. My mind needs to be constantly on acceptance and unlearning my old ways of thinking. Otherwise I will start to fall back into depression. Recovery takes a lot of work and I am ready to do whatever is necessary.

[Meimeiquest]

You're rocking it!

[moodyblues78]

Thanks meimei

 

I have high hopes for the summer. Maybe I can enjoy it for the first time in years. I did not complain here much but I went through hell last year. Apart from seizures I had all the symptoms I can think of. Most are close to gone. Some return from time to time. Tinnitus is much less but my hyper sensitivities flare up every time I`m sick, stressed or too tired. I have learned to live with it and I believe it will go away in time. It has already improved very much.

 

It is very frustrating to see how few follow the advises they get here. Everyone is desperately looking for shortcuts and run after alternative meds and supplements. We are brainwashed to think that pills will cure anything in no time. 

 

Our minds are very strong. We just don`t know how to use it to benefit the whole body. Wrong habits can be unlearned as hard as it is. Still it can be done. Pills just cover up all the problems and take away our natural abilities to handle everyday situations and emotions but what do I know. I am not a doctor 

[brassmonkey]

Hi MB-- congratulations on making it to a year off.  It is so good to hear someone improving with time. I hope it continues.

 

"It is very frustrating to see how few follow the advises they get here. Everyone is desperately looking for shortcuts and run after alternative meds and supplements. We are brainwashed to think that pills will cure anything in no time."

 

I couldn't agree with you more.  I've cut way back on giving advise because I was going to get permanent brain damage from hitting my head against the wall.  

[moodyblues78]

 

 

I couldn't agree with you more.  I've cut way back on giving advise because I was going to get permanent brain damage from hitting my head against the wall.  

 

 I know that feeling sooooo well. I`ve stopped completely. No one listens. My forehead grew so thick I could no longer look up.

 

One correction: I`m only 4 months off from any kind of meds.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

 

 

I couldn't agree with you more.  I've cut way back on giving advise because I was going to get permanent brain damage from hitting my head against the wall.  

 

 I know that feeling sooooo well. I`ve stopped completely. No one listens. My forehead grew so thick I could no longer look up.

 

 

Me too. I have found other things to do with my time. Either something about the ethos of the board has changed or I have changed. No matter, really.

 

MB,

 

So glad to hear from you, your update sounds pretty positive.

[brassmonkey]

Four months, yes, four months, did I mention the brain damage?

 

I think this stage of my recovery is causing at least part of the pullback. Like CW I have better things to do.  However, I have really seen a change in the board in just the six months that I have been active.  I'm not going to try and analyse it, like most other things beyond my control I'll just accept it and move on.

 

Just watch, someone will take my first sentence the wrong way. lol

[AmyK]

Hi Moody, I have been following your thread as I found many similarities. My start with ssri was also stressrelaterad tinnitus. I am also tapering zoloft on the lower doses. I just want to wish you best of luck on your continued journey. I am happy for you that you are off!

[Petunia]

Congratulations on being 4 months off Moody, sorry to hear you had a difficult April, but I'm glad you decided to come back with an update. I hope you will continue to let us know how you are doing from time to time.

[moodyblues78]

Thanks for your kind words CW, Amy, Monkey and Petu.

 

My therapy is over for now. I went to the same person for over 5 years. We got a lot of process during that time. I had a lot of issues to take care of. My outlook on life is very different compared to the beginning. We felt that this is the right time to continue on my own. I have taken breaks before but this one is for good. It felt scary at first but now I feel more confident about my life than ever.

 

My healing process is far from over but little things are turning for the better all the time. It is just so painfully slow. One really needs to grow into a completely new person in this painful process. The old one got me into this mess. The new one will lead me away from it. I no longer feel the need to accuse others of my troubles. That is useless. The people that have hurt me in my life cannot heal me. That is only my responsibility. All mine.

 

Month 4 off was really hard but I don`t look back at it with fear. I learned a lot but I had to pay for the lessons. I grew stronger and wiser. I`m in a window now. Soon the bell will ring again and I need to go back to school. That sucks. I never liked school. Especially this one. I`d like to kick the teacher`s teeth in and set the class room on fire but I won`t. For the first time in my life I want to learn. As hard as it is. 

 

I`ll end my lame rant here. I had an eventful day and I`m tired. Good night folks. 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Moody--  congratulations on making the break and taking command of your life, you're in good hands.  I have to agree that the personal transformation we all face going through this process is a very painful and frightening one, but one that we really have no choice over, we have to make it.  By taking control of the process we can guide it and reshape ourselves into much better people.  Best of luck on this new part of our journey.

[Petunia]

Ditto what brass said, it sounds like you have come a long way and have become a much stronger and wiser person. That rebellious student has grown into someone new

[moodyblues78]

6 months off.

 

Gasping for fresh air in this tiny window on the sea full of high waves.

 

Fighting, learning, feeling hopeless, never giving up, defeated, stronger than ever. I've got it all.

 

My symptoms are bad at the moment but it is different. There is much progress underneath that is hard to see but it is there. I compare far back to similar situations and I see change. I just need to focus constantly on correcting destructive thought patterns. This is very important. Otherwise I slide so easily back to my old habits. It drains all my energy and after a full day of doing this I feel defeated and tired but I can see progress very soon after. Progress is not free. I've been doing things wrong for 30+ years. Some things are learned, some are genetic. It takes a long time to fix this. Years.

 

Waves are strong but so is my board. Bring it on!

[bubble]

Thanks a lot for the update. Much appreciated!

 

It seems that when we have to put so much effort into tapering and dealing with withdrawal we forget how important it is to work on changing the patterns that led us to start taking drugs in the first place...strengthening our surfing board,to borrow your metaphor;)

 

One other sign of your recovery is amazingly creative writing;)

[moodyblues78]

 

Now. Soon 7 months without any mediacation. I`m finally starting to understand how big part of my life fear has been. It has caused all kinds of symptoms. Especially in wd. 

 

I was a fearful and cautious child. It was in my nature. Always. I was sensitive and emotional and I was born to a family where these things were just signs of weakness. Never feeling appreciated. I was never told I was loved. I was never apologized if I was treated badly. Never. Physical violence was nothing compared to the mental I received from my parents. Many may be able to adapt to this. Become one them. I was not able to do that. So I suffered day after day. I endured no matter what. 

 

Soon I started to believe that I was at fault. I was nothing. Only to be kicked around by everybody. It became a state of mind. Fortunately I saw I was good at some things. I could draw. I was farely good at some sports and completely sucked at others. I could sing. I could play an instrument. I gained some acceptance through those things. It was important to receive positive feedback even just sometimes. For a child this was a huge thing. These moments kept me alive. 

 

When I left home I was a mess. I could not tolerate any kind of stress. Just going shopping was overwhelming. But somehow I was alive. I was not even on meds yet. This was me. Broken shell of a person. Clueless on what was wrong with me. Still just trying to survive day by day. Trying to meet the demands of my parents and society. It felt impossible. But I was not there to give up. While studying my main focus was on just drinking and having fun. I felt I could not graduate. I was not smart enough. Might as well have some fun before dropping out. 

 

I met my wife. I was pretending to be something I`m not. I was thought to do that by my mother. Always put up a front and do it ******* well. I was a master at it. So good that I fooled even myself. I thought that I was the person I pretended to be. I could not have been more wrong. With her I was able to get my B.Sc degree. It was unreal. Still I had no graduation party. B.Sc was not good enough.

 

We moved to the other side of the country. We bought an apartment, got kids. The normal stuff. I should have been happy but this normal life was too much for me. I had too much to lose and I my mind told me I always fail. The stress just built up from there. Fearing the future. What if. That was all that was in my life. Not being able to sleep with small kids did not help. Once again I tried to endure but it was too much. I broke down. I fought back for years but then I just had to give up. I could no longer take it. The wonderful doctor gave me a prescription for some pills that would cure me. I was there for 10 mins tops. "Just a chemical imbalance in your brain", he said. Great! That is what is wrong with me and it can be fixed this easily? Why did I not go to the doc years earlier??? 

 

I felt like it helped a bit but in 6 months I crashed again. My fears were stronger than my pills. The doc gave me other pills. The same thing happened after 6 months. Things were getting worse and worse even with those magical all curing pills. The wonderful doc gave my 300 pills of benzo to add to the mix and I took them. Soon I noticed I had built a tolerance on them. They did nothing no matter how much I took. 

 

I CT`d benzo and tapered zoloft way too fast. I was pushed to the very same hell we all are in. I was still able to do my own research. I was not going to trust docs anymore. I found pieces of info all around the web. Then I found SA. I resinstated and begun my journey back.

 

So what did I learn from all this? Much. Drugs are not the answer for an otherwise healthy person. I`m not mentally ill, dangerous person. I should have never been put on drugs. I just needed guidance on how to learn to live with my problems. How to learn away from them. How to accept my sensitive personality. How to deal with fear. Pills are so much easier. Plus they make easy money for many people. Yay. 

 

So back to fear. WD and jumping off these poisons have forced me to meet my fears face to face. I still try to avoid them but I fail time after time. For long time I felt I was a fighter. I should face my fears and courageously fight them. For some it may work but I now I finally understood that I was wrong. The key to recovery is not to fight. The key is to surrender. And I don`t mean kind of surrendering. It has got to be unconditional. Letting go of any fighting. My weakness is my strength. I need to be weak to become strong. 

 

That is the only way. Surrender. Why did I not understand this earlier. It is so simple and so true. I am a sensitive person that has been sensitized beyond any control by wd. I have no strenght to fight but I can surrender to my fears and learn to know them. Once I get better I can lift my sword again. 

[pug]

Moody,

Your words are a powerful lesson for us all; acceptance and surrender are a path to peace for those of us with these challenges.

 

I wish you continued healing.

[moodyblues78]

Thank you pug.

 

I`m 8 months off now. Realizing the things I wrote about a month ago has helped a lot. It gave me enough inner peace to accept my situation better and relax. My life is still full of triggers but I take every day as a chance to learn new ways to live my life. My reactions to negative triggers are getting smaller after a very long static season. 

 

Still I am nowhere near healed but I feel like I`ve turned another page on my road to a better new me. This happens from time to time. Healing is not linear. Depression has been gone for a while now but I`m sure it will visit me again and it will be only a visitor. I have no room for it anymore. 

 

At the moment I`m stuck with my emotional and physical sensitivities caused by the meds and the trauma caused by near CT taper and horrific acute withdrawal. I can not understand how I survived. Also I`m left with the issues that led me into this hellish experience. That is a big pile of **** to shovel but I`m not afraid to get my hands dirty. It will be done when it will be done. 

 

I experimented with supplements many times and with various vitamins. None of them did any good to me so I dropped them all apart from good quality fish oil that has got some vitamin D in it. This seems to work for me the best. Cutting excess carbohydrates has been a huge thing to my mental health. I wish I had understood this earlier. It was like this heavy blanket of tiredness and headaches had been lifted off me. Brain fog and head pressure diminished a lot too. I recommend anyone to try it. Earlier I had been drinking too much water that caused me daily head aches at work. Cutting excess water cured that. Took a while to understand what I was doing wrong since everybody tell you to drink a lot when in wd.

 

This was my monthly report from a person who has jumped off from all meds. More to come next month. The scary 9 month milestone. Spooky..  

[moodyblues78]

9 months off.

 

Time really travels fast in wd. Feels like it was just yesterday when I first came here. That was almost 2 years ago. Compared to that I`m in heaven right now. I still remember all that agony far too well. The memory is getting more distant but very slowly. 

 

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself on xmas eve 2013 that you`ll be fine, don`t worry. It might have saved me from a lot of sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, many many hopeless cries, endless hours searching for supplements and methods to help the symptoms. None of them helped. It was so great finding something that I thought was helpful. The symptoms lessened. But only briefly. It was always just my mind playing tricks on me. The new found ground under my feet was built from fake promises. I was walking again only because my frail mind briefly believed I could stand up again. Before I could realize I was on my knees again. Time after time. I had a newborn baby back then but I could not feel any love for him. My symptoms were in charge. It was awful and scary. I was sure it would kill me.

 

I complained and pitied myself, suffered like never before, but something in me refused to lose hope. I too got a slap on the wrist from Alto when I was painting the world black and crying on my thread. Sometime after that I decided I would stop complaining no matter how bad I was. I would ******* smile no matter what happened. I begun writing and reading stories here much less. My future is not here. It is the opposite to being here, reading horror stories, convincing myself that I would never heal.

 

I do heal but It is damn slow. I had to change. It still is a work in process and will be for years to come. I went to the wrong direction for 35 years. It takes time to change that. I want to change, I believe I can change. Therefore I will change. I just need to be constantly aware of how I manage each situation. What would I have done before. What will I change. Rinse and repeat.

 

We learn things by doing things. That why it is so important not to stop living no matter how bad you feel. Small steps into bigger steps, a few steps back, and 3 forward, etc. Like for a drunken sailor leaving a bar, the road is not straight and it is full of challenges. 

 

No matter what just keep going. 

[mammaP]

Hi MB, it's great to see you doing so well! I remember the hell you were in when you first came here, we could feel your pain. 

I'm glad to see that you have been able to keep going and now are coming out the other side stronger and happier. 

Thank you for updating, maybe one day you will write a success story for us, that will give newbies who are suffering the knowledge 

that it does get better. 

[moodyblues78]

Hi mammaP

 

I remember you were one of the first ones, if not the very first, to help me when I got here. Still remember how good that felt. Thank you for that. 

 

Not the right time for success story yet. I believe Alto`s rule was no symptoms for some months before writing a success story. My symptoms still are a daily visitor. I`ve learned to live with them. I had to. Life does not wait. But I`m getting there. Hopefully in 1-2 years from now. 

[AmyK]

I just had a Horrible 3 day wave but I'm back in business now!

 

0,4mg to go.

 

Bring it on!!

 

This is my attitude right now: http://i.imgur.com/qlBYFuD.gif

I just reread your journal as I am down to a tiny dose zoloft. It is so helpful. And the penguin made me laugh, I feel exactly the same right now.

Take care, Moodyblues. I hope you feel beter and better, quick!

[moodyblues78]

Thanks for stopping by Amy   I wish you a speedy recovery.

 

Well it`s seems that i`ve passed the 10 month mark. It was a hard month. Felt out of control. Got scared many times. Things have been very stressful both at home and work. Money is tight. Many many small things piling up and forming a big ass sand castles just waiting to fall on me. And then there is me trying to be a ******* zen in this shitstorm that we call life in wd. Pardon my language. Just venting a bit. Usually i throw my negativity away by yelling at other drivers on the roads. Everyone was just driving so nicely today so...

 

That hopelessness that we all know too well has been too big part of my life for the last month. It has not been strong but annoyingly persistent. I`ve been feeding it with fear. It just takes control of my life from time to time. I get blind and only see, hear and smell my fear. It smells like **** and I hate it.

 

I`m still learning to be gentle with myself. I threw away my activity tracker. Who is it to tell me how much to move. I hated that stinking nagging ugly bracelet. Best decision of the month. I feel free and less stressed. Just today I realized I`ve completely stopped taking any supplements. I feel no better or worse. I always knew they are no good but still searched for the magic cure. They never helped apart from creating short lasting blacebo effect and I went through a lot of them. Yay I found THE cure!!! Internets guys says that this supplement grinded from unicorn horns cures busted cns and itching butt cracks. In that order. I must buy it! A lot. And I did. There are no freaking short cuts..

 

But there are good things too at month 10. I feel more myself. I allow myself more to be me. I am childish even though I`ve gathered a lot of wisdom. Never ever I will become an adult but I am a responsible person. I am a good parent but still I make mistakes. I am a good husband but often my state of mind prevents me from being just that. I am a man lifting a big boulder in the air and dropping it on my big fat head.

 

This month has been a hard one but I`ve not lost hope. I have forgotten the name of that doc that gave me those magic candy pills. I am tired but there are times I have energy. Still trying to learn to take it easy on good days too.  Hey my pains have been lessening! Finally! I can walk without much pain. That is incredible. I can go (almost) as fast as normal people. Really great feeling.

 

I really seem not to have much valuable content in my 10 month update but I`ll say this once again: Never lose hope. You cannot change the way you feel right now but you can change what you do. Just do and the confidence will follow. That is how we learn to live again. 

 

That`s all for now. 

 

Why am I giving any advice again? No one asked...