☼ moodyblues78: The fight is on (Zoloft/Diazepam)

[moodyblues78]

I wish I could give you a hug. We will get better

[EternalOptimist]

Hi 5 to your positive list and for sharing. Think I'll go write one now. Thanks for the inspiration.

U r right, we will get better.

[moodyblues78]

Yesterday did not start well. Cortisol morning and big time depression after that. Then I made my list of positive things to remind me not to get back to Route Worry.

 

Also I got an idea to try this: Every time my mind finds a new thing to be afraid of, I will let myself be afraid and I smile like an idiot. So I`ve been doing a lot of smiling lately. All my mind seems to be doing is finding new things to be afraid of. I`m very good at it!

 

My cheeks hurt..

 

I got through the day ok. I even went to the mall to buy my son new shoes. I was able to hadle all the sounds and lights without much anxiety. It was great practise for me. I try not to hide from stressors or triggers. They are good ways to practise my coping skills.

[EternalOptimist]

Great, u r retraining your brain, creating new and healthier pathways, hopefully the old pathways will shut down.

I love this work of neuroplasticity . Congrats

[moodyblues78]

I found young me inside me. Scared and crying. Sitting on a cold rock. I try to comfort him but it`s hard and scary. I was a sad, scared child that needed more love. I want to hold him and tell that he is going to fine. I want to tell him that he is not alone and that he is loved. I want him to feel safe.

[bubble]

I think there is a lot of literature on inner child and I have one book at home. I also found reading very simple explanation of the concept by Lousie Hay very helpful. 

 

She even suggests taking a picture of that small, scared, neglected and/or abused child we once were and write to him/her or spend a day with him/her looking after his/her needs the way we needed to have but never got it... The idea is we can somehow learn to give ourselves that love that was denied to us. Plus we grew up into adults not expecting that love any more and thus further punishing our inner child.

 

I felt pretty much like you growing up so I understand very well what you are talking about.

[Petunia]

 I was a sad, scared child that needed more love.

 

Me too

 

.... then I spent years trying to get that love via several disastrous relationships. Then I gave up on trying to get what I needed for myself and devoted my life to giving to my daughter what I never got.  Now I've realized that its impossible to get from other people what we didn't get from our parents, so I'm learning how to love myself, but as Bubble wrote, once we are adults, we are not 'supposed' be needing that kind of love and care any more, so its difficult to even feel like we deserve it.

 

I like how you are able to be open and vulnerable about these things, looking for ways to not only heal from drugs, but how to heal your soul too.

[moodyblues78]

My sould was broken well before any poison came into play.

 

I need to heal my body and my soul.

 

This hit home big time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91PZYSdb_v0

 

Every anxious person should listen to her.

[wulfgar]

Very Mary Poppins like cheerful voice. I would like to listen to that book for sure!

 

The first step to healing is to recognize whats broken. I lived in fear for my first 15 years of life. Nightmares every night because of my daily situation. That caused some serious brokenness. I did not know in the beginning of my adult life just how and what. I though that everyone went about their lives with damed up unbearable rage. I managed to get myself back to some form of normality myself but it took about 15 adult years to deprogram myself from fear of violence, fear from loud voices etc.

 

I think modern therapy has a problem because of the popular don't suppress your fear, live in it, accept it, and it will go away.  Not that its completely wrong, the problem is that they have simplified it to much. For me at least its about not reacting towards myself when anger or fear hits. This is the acceptance/being in it part. Thats like <5 minutes, not rolling around in my anger/rage, for i could do that all day without getting any better. When i got to the point fine, i feel this way, i needed to find methods gently without blaming myself to steer away, and methods to desensitize myself other times so that the fear and anger don't start to begin with. This worked on my fear and my rage. I have never had anxiety as an adult (prior to the meds) so i don't know if this is applicable. The less times i spend in a rage state of mind the less often it starts again.

 

That got to be to much about me. sorry MB!

 

Getting the poison out and getting on the road to heal your soul sounds like a good plan!

[moodyblues78]

I was always very nervous and scared as a child. I did not get any better until I left home. 

 

These extreme panic attacks came with withdrawal. I never had them before. Those made me understand that I have a lot to learn from myself. All my life I`ve been running away from my fears thinking that would make me safe. I never understood that. Weekes has got a point. Her method may not be entirely applicaple to withdrawal but it helps me understand and cope with the triggers that are behind it. Withdrawal cures my body. Learning not to be afraid of my fears will heal my soul. It will take time but I feel I`m on a road to recovery.

[EternalOptimist]

Got all her books in the 80's...helped a great deal. Just recently, listened to all her work I could on YouTube given diff reading n comprehending now. I even tracked her down back then, she was in her 80's living in Australia. God bless her or talking with me briefly back then. Good luck.

[mammaP]

 

 I was a sad, scared child that needed more love.

 

Me too

 

.... then I spent years trying to get that love via several disastrous relationships. Then I gave up on trying to get what I needed for myself and devoted my life to giving to my daughter what I never got.  Now I've realized that its impossible to get from other people what we didn't get from our parents, so I'm learning how to love myself, but as Bubble wrote, once we are adults, we are not 'supposed' be needing that kind of love and care any more, so its difficult to even feel like we deserve it.

 

I like how you are able to be open and vulnerable about these things, looking for ways to not only heal from drugs, but how to heal your soul too.

 

This was me too! Your posts made me cry MB, the inner child crying. I didin't feel love as a child either

and mistook sex for love leading to a life of abuse and disastrous relationships. 

I have just mentally given all the lost children here a big Mamma hug!

[moodyblues78]

Hi all.

 

Yesterday I asked my wife if she sees any improvement in my condition. Her answer was surprising. She said I`m much better compared to 1-2 months ago. Maybe I should allow myself to believe that someday this all will be behind me.

 

I find myself more and more fighting the issues I had before any ad:s instead of fighting anxiety over everything. Maybe that is a good sign. 

 

Acceptance really seems to be the key to finding happiness in life. It is that simple IMHO. Not that it is easy to achieve. We are thought to compete in everything in life and to make our own future, preferably a better one than the next door neighbour. Our value to society is measured in everything we do. No wonder so many are feeling ill in this world. We are not all the same. We are different and we need different things in life.

 

Good friday to everybody. I hope this will be a good day.

 

MB

 

[wulfgar]

Nice to hear that you seem to be moving a bit in the right direction! Maybe we can come out of this drug madness and with a bigger grasp of ourselves and perhaps some more wisdom?

 

Wish you the very best friday to!

[EternalOptimist]

Like your post on acceptance MB. Tho not easy, worth the effort . Thnx best to you today. EO

[bubble]

I enjoyed reading your posts!

 

It was actually MoodyB who inspired me to open up and expose my vulnerability which was such an incredibly liberating experience.and EternalO, wulfgar and of course Petu and our MammaP;)

 

some months ago I read The Power of Now which thought me a lot about acceptance. Just like you, I find practicing this extremely valuable. And wulfgar described the shortcomings of therapies very well.

 

So much shared experiences here

[EternalOptimist]

Something shared is something halved!

[moodyblues78]

Something positive to post:

 

My fear and anxiety has been bearable lately so I went to 9,9mg. So far things are ok. Best weekend for a long time. My left hand is getting better too. I can type and play guitar normally. It still gets very shaky at times but I can see a big improvement. It used to be completely useless. I guess my cns is slowly calming down.

 

I fall asleep easily and I don`t have bad anxiety wakeups anymore but once I wake up I hardly ever fall asleep again. I sleep about 4-6hrs every night. 

[bubble]

yeaaaahhh!

 

I saw you were not around so was thinking you might be 'out' living the life. So glad I was right

 

I still remember those horrible days you had after that dosing mishap...

 

I'm still being very cautious with my tapering and wait to feel ok for at least 2 weeks in a row before dropping. But actually so far I have mostly been holding and after reinstating everything in October made only one 5 % cut so far a month ago. Actually marvel at my patience (would never be able to do it if I wasn't here...)

[wulfgar]

Great news MB!

What do you do when you wake up? I find that i sometimes have an easier time going back to sleep if i eat something and have some milk or yoghurt. It sometimes works for me trying to keep my eyes open in the dark when lying in bed. Just gazing at a shadow somewhere. Its like my brain thinks, "god, this is boring, better shut down".

[moodyblues78]

Hi Wulfgar.

 

When I wake up I just try to find a comfortable position and stay in bed. Imaging positive things. Resting is good even if I`m not sleeping. 

 

Last night I slept until the alarm clock woke me up. That has not happened in weeks. I was so happy about that but suddenly my mind remembered that I have to be anxious in the morning. Well it`s monday.. That has lasted the whole day so far. It is not nearly as bad as it has been but very uncomfortable still. I want to get well soooo bad.

 

I found a way to calm down my tinnitus. I use my iphone app to play blue noise through my earphones (these don`t plug the ears). I can use it at work. It keeps my tinnitus lower and that reduces stress and anxiety. I tried white noise first but it was too stimulating. Blue noise is more gentle.

[mammaP]

Glad you found something that helps the tinnitus MB. I've never heard of blue noise,

I can feel a google coming on!  Great that you had a good nights sleep too,

it's such a shame your brain remembered to be anxious! 

[wulfgar]

Threw myself at google to! Which app are you using? Blue noise could possibly be better than white for tinnitus in the higher frequencies. Btw, nice with a whole night of sleep! For me feels far away. Perhaps if i headbut my bedpost high speed so that i bounce up on my beed, i could get a full night...?

Are u still taking two doses per day Perhaps double dosing are giving effect?

[moodyblues78]

Yes I`m double dosing. 5mg at 8 and 4,9mg at 20.

 

It`s an app called White Noise.

 

It has got many ambient sounds + white, pink, blue and brown noise. You can mix them too if I remember correctly.

 

I would not recommend headboard anesthesia. I`m pretty sure you`ll get an adverse reaction from it. At least start with a mild headbut.

[Nikki]

Good news MB....I think some of the anxiety.com infor and advise has helped me too.....not fighting the anxiety just floating with it.

 

Need to read more on that site.  Thank you for providing the link.

[moodyblues78]

Yesterday was hard. Full of fear and stress. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa. Woke up around 1am and went to bed.

 

Then I slept until my boss called where I was. I forgot to put my alarm clock on. Great..

 

At least I slept.

[bubble]

lol

 

you slept, you slept, you slept!!!! (so deep that only your boss could wake you up great!

 

For a few months now I literally pass out after 8 while watching TV and can't move for around 2 hours. Then I wake up, brush, go to bed and sleep again. So far no calls from my boss

[moodyblues78]

 

I was scared of everything yesterday. On top of that I spent the evening alone with the kids. After that I had to take our 3 kids and dog with me and go to the city center to pick up my wife.  

 

It sure was great practise for my fear coping skills. A month ago I would not have been able to do this.

 

I survived!

[moodyblues78]

I`m trying to stay positive and smile to every symptom. I feel I`m doing the right thing. Acceptance is important. It`s essential.

 

I need to change myself to be a positive person and that is a huge task. I smile to myself every time I look in the mirror to create more positive selfimage. I try not to avoid things that cause me stress or fear or anxiety. Sometimes it`s very hard. Still I don`t push myself too much. That would be a bad thing.

 

This is not only about withdrawal. It`s at least as much about seeing yourself more clearly than ever. In good and bad. This is an opportunity to become a better person. Accepting past and present and living Now, not worrying about the future, being grateful of all the good things that are in my life. These are on my to do -list.

 

This is very hard. Going through past and seeing why I`m what I am and understanding the mistakes I`ve made is Horrible. WD apmlifies that ever more. But the more I do this my emotional symptoms seem to lessen. Hopefully I`m on to something here.

 

Symptoms that are slowly getting less and less:

 

General anxiety

Depression

Hopelessness

Neck pain

Ear pain

Shaking hands and legs

Internal tremor

Racing thoughts

Panic

Insomnia

Anxiety wake ups

Feeling useless

Breathing problems

Nightmares

Sweating

 

It is now 5,5 months since I started tapering and 2 months since I resinstated to 12,5mg. I`m now at 9,9mg.

[Altostrata]

It sounds like maybe 9.9mg is sufficient. If I were you, I'd hold at that level for a good while.

[moodyblues78]

Thanks Alto. I will.

 

Yesterday was a disaster. I met my friend who I wrote about in another thread here. He was in such a bad shape that just cried and cried after he left. I felt so bad for him.

 

That`s not all. Neighbour started fighting and it went bad. When furniture started flying I had to call the cops. I did not sleep last night and I`m stil very nervous.

 

I guess all that was a good reminder for me to take it easy..

[moodyblues78]

Fighting depression, anxiety and fear with a smile.

 

Every minute I go from hopeless to hopeful and back. I`m tired and my head aches.

 

Very stressful monday at work but I survived. These hard times will make me stronger than ever.

[bubble]

was thinking about you and assumed you were doing well since you haven't been around lately..

 

and you are, despite everything

[moodyblues78]

I see improvement in my ability to handle stress. I`ve done a lot of work there. Month earlier I paniced on every little thing at work. I`m able to be more productive.

 

I`m still full of fears that trigger addrenaline all the time but I`m getting better in that too. Time and acceptance..

 

My employer is laying off people. Looks like I`m going to keep my job.

[bubble]

that's amazing! I can see you are getting more productive at work ))

 

reapeating your mantra as well: time and acceptance (and stability with medication)

[wulfgar]

Happy for you in keeping the job! One stressor less now then. There is good times lurking in the future im sure.