☼ Martina23: Lyrica

[LoveandLight]

Very good Martina.. great you can make plans x

[Martina23]

Yesterday I found a very good link https://vimeo.com/84229450 of one withdrawal advisor - Ian Singelton,  who speaks about withdrawal, and says that it takes 1 year at minimum after going off drugs and normally people recover the second year, sometimes it takes also longer. I found it very reassuring, as I am only three months drug free and already think that I will never recover.

[LoveandLight]

I speak to him on the phone - he is a counsellor for a support group in uk..

[Martina23]

_{I found also this survey on benzobuddies documenting how long it takes till people recovered, I found it very interesting so I will paste it, I hope it will paste itself ok, I am not such a technical type ...}

 

 

[clearday]

I can not imagine that it disappears. I wrote it as if someone has also problems with their imagination, please write me so that I know that it is normal. Because I am afraid of it a lot.

 

It is normal to have these thoughts of bad things that can happen in life. It is just a matter of degree -

 

Most parents worry about their children and what harm can come to them. I have a child, and it is normal and healthy to think of the dangers they may be exposed to. And to think of ways to protect them from potential dangers.

 

We all have to deal with this. Most people are able to put these dangers in the back of their mind during most of the day. But if we focus on these dangers most of the time, it prevents us from enjoying life and functioning properly. These thoughts are "dark imaginings", the good thing is that 99% of the time, these bad things we imagine never happen. 

 

I have to accept that these dangers exist. We have to develop acceptance that life has potential danger. It is not easy to develop this acceptance - it takes daily work.

 

When these thoughts of bad things that can happen enter my mind, I remind myself that I am powerless over many of these things that might happen. Aside from taking reasonable precautions to protect ourselves and our children, we must live life. This is true for everyone.

 

We have to work to put these thoughts to the back of our mind. We have to turn our thoughts to the good things about this life.

 

One parent had a saying, " I have lived through so many horrors of what can happen to my child, none of which ever happened."

 

So we can focus on bad things that can happen, or work to focus on the good things that life has to offer. We can change our outlook as best we can, but we can't change the fact that dangers exist. 

 

As we get older, and especially when we become parents, we become more fear-based. We try to exert control on things that we never had control over in the first place. This is not healthy. We have to surrender to life, we have to LET GO. We have to live life on life's terms, not ours. We can reduce the power of our fears and our neurosis when we surrender.

 

These thoughts of monsters and bad things are fear-based. The monsters are just our fears, morphed and exaggerated. So on some level, we have to become fearless of life and what may come. It is not good to live in constant fear of what may happen. That's not how life is meant to be lived. You said it yourself, "I am afraid of this a lot". We have to tell ourselves: "I am NOT going be afraid of life".

 

I have to work on this every day. 

[melanie]

Hey Martina,

 

Congratulations on your moving flats and starting earning policy!

 

Great you're thinking about doing some investment in a flat. Money is not always so safe in the bank. And you have this pragmatic, mathematical brain, how lucky you are...

 

I guess you got those financial reports done... the three you were supposed to complete until the end of September.

 

It's good to see how well you're doing without Lyrica. Just try to ignore the OCD stuff. The best way IMO is to "collect compulsions and obsessions".

 

Great you browse through "benzobuddies", I also do. Good job with the graph! Lyrica is strongly related to benzos. According to DEA, benzos are Schedule IV Controlled Substances, while Lyrica is Schedule V. Such a strange category they invented for this stuff. It used to get me high, but I luckily CTed because of the weight issues.

 

If you are feeling down at work... once you mentioned you were crying while hiding behind your computer.... Why don't you put a framed photo of your beautiful kids in front of your PC. So you can look at them every time you feel down.

 

When I worked in the office, I had a framed photo of my Kitty in front of my PC. Co-workers maybe thought it was bizarre. But I didn't give a damn about what they thought. I don't have kids, so she's like a daughter to me....

 

Good luck with your healing, you're on the right track!

I'm waiting for that sun symbol to be added to the title of your thread...

 

Hugs, Mel

[Martina23]

Hello Clearday,

hello Mel

 

Thank you for your post - it is nice that you wrote me.

 

The people might think that the fears which I have now these are my normal fears. That is not true. I was never afraid in my life before I took Lyrica. These fears now in withdrawal are forced fears, I can not do anything about them. They are just here, if I am afraid or not. I think it is more that my brain is afraid not me. But I try to hang on. I dont have other choice anyhow.

 

Sometimes I wish I had other mother. My mother is so bad to me in the last time. I can not speak with her about withdrawal at all. Last time when I had so many big waves I told her I am afraid I might be schizophrenic. She was not interested in my problems at all, only pushed  me all the time to the psychiatrist as "they know what they do". And also said I should take some antidepressant, it will help with the irrational fears. Sometimes I think she tells me this because she hates me. I would feel much better if I had someone who would support me in this situation and not only push me the wrong direction.

 

Mel - Yes, I sometimes check Benzobuddies site, in someway it comes me that the people there have the same symptoms like me, or a lot of them: thoughts to harm themselves or others, they are afraid of knives, repetitive thoughts, scary pictures. When I feel the worst, I always read one old thread on benzobuddies, it is called "am I schizo?", and the man there has also harming thoughts and fear of knives, and everybody says it will go away. So it is quite reassuring. But I also like surviving antidepressants, I find both good. They wrote somewhere that Lyrica withdrawal mimics benzo withdrawal, they are both used for pain and I think they both work on the similar principle.

 

Today in the morning I had to go to the municipalities, I thought I will get up early and go there before start of the work. I put my clock on 6:30 to get up. No sure. At 6:30 it started to ring, I turned to the other side, thought why not to do it tommorrow, and continued sleeping ...

[clearday]

Hello Clearday,

 

The people might think that the fears which I have now these are my normal fears. That is not true. I was never afraid in my life before I took Lyrica. These fears now in withdrawal are forced fears, I can not do anything about them. They are just here, if I am afraid or not. I think it is more that my brain is afraid not me. But I try to hang on. I dont have other choice anyhow.

 

I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you're going through. What a horrible nuisance, to have those thoughts intrude on your brain out of nowhere.

 

At least you know that they are irrational and not based in reality. So they have no credence.

 

The fears I posted about are based in reality. So they cannot be so easily dismissed; they must be acknowledged and put in perspective.

 

Since your intrusive thoughts seem to be triggered by withdrawal, then as you heal and recover, those thoughts will slowly go away.

 

I hope you get more relief soon!

[Martina23]

Thank you Clearday. And by you is everything ok? I realized that you are trying to support me and I did not even ask how you are yourself.

 

Yesterday a strange thing occured. My memory seemed to come back. Yesterday in the evening I got such an intrusive memory of the whole past events which led to prescription to Lyrica and I was crying a lot and then I found I am not angry anymore on doctors, I forgave them and felt like "I made a peace with God".

 

Once Pug asked on her thread if the people see meaning in this suffering and I was so angry with the doctors at that time, I said I did not  see meaning at all, that the doctors were only after money. I realized I misinterpreted the whole occurence, I did not know it, but now when my memory came back I see it clearly.

 

I realized I could not decide other. When I was pregnant with the children the doctors meant there is a risk by twins to have normal birth as the second one if it does not come out within 20 minutes after the first, it can suffocate. Therefore I decided to have caesarian delivery which led to the pain and then  prescription of Lyrica. I thought yesterday that every woman which loves her children would rather decide that she has big problem than to cause the problem to the child. I knew at that time that I even can die but somehow I would decide the same even the second time.

 

Sure it was not necessary that the doctor prescribes me Lyrica, but I had already so much pain and nobody seemed to do anything that I said that I had thoughts of jumping from the window out of pain. I had these thoughts at that time (the pain was unbearable) but I was not prepared to do it, I wanted just that they take me seriously and make all the necessary checks. I think they were not clever or good enough to investigate what is the problem, so they just put me Lyrica till they hoped that the body would solve the problem itself. Anyway, I dont know if I would manage to endure so much pain for so long without Lyrica.

 

Therefore I dont see the doctors so bad anymore, I dont know what happened, this big anger to the medical community is away. There is only a huge need to cry about all this what I need to endure.

[AliG]

 Hi Martina,

 

I can totally understand, what you went through.  I also had  3  " Caesarean"  deliveries.  The first one , was an " emergency" caesarean delivery, for which I was given a general anaesthetic, due to " foetal distress". They had to deliver the baby , quickly.   I , nearly died, as  I was given an overdose,( accidentally), of painkiller,( not sure what )  both in " Recovery", and again , back in the  hospital ward.  It was " touch & go" for a few days.

 

I think , like you said, you would do the same again. What choice did you have ?  Same here.  You make your decisions based on the information you have at the time.  I , also had a lot of pain, but they only gave me Morphine , for a few days.  I think they were worried about the " overdose". !!  Therefore, didn't want to compound it., by giving me more drugs, I suppose.  Lucky " escape' !

 

Anyway, I think you did what you had to do.  That's all there is to it.   Don't beat yourself up. 

 

You sound like you're healing .

 

Love,   Ali.

[Martina23]

Ali, thank you so much for writing. I did not know that you have similar experience. We, women, have to endure so much, but when I see my babies it is such a miracle that I think all the pain is worth it. It is so funny. I tried to achieve so many things, but I really did not find in my life anything so fulfilling like to have the children. I think, it belongs to woman. It makes women beautiful.

[AliG]

 Martina ,

 

I, so agree with you !  At the end of the day, it's all worth it.  All , I ever wanted was the " family" , that I never had, and I have achieved that , to some degree. I wish that it  had not been derailed, ( to a degree )  by drugs . However, I have managed to bring up three beautiful kids, who have all grown into very fine people. So, I must have done something right ! 

 

You will move on from this, with your children  and be fine . You're over the worst.

 

Love,    Ali.

[Martina23]

Today I had again one of my "good" ideas. I like sometime reading boulevard newspapers. And yesterday in one of such newspapers there was something about one mode show with XXL models. Oh yes, they say to it "plus size models".  I told the colleague and she said she would go there with me and we can both ask if we can not also do "plus size models". Also the daughter of David Hasselhoff makes a plus size model. I know it sounds funny, we were also laughing about this a lot with the colleague, but I have a normal size, at the moment maybe 72 kg on 170 cm height. But for the normal models they want only so super slim with 34 clothes size. And I have 38 - 42. So I think it could be funny to try it. I think I will. Sometimes I have so stupid ideas that they come also to me funny. But I think once I will be very old I can laugh about that.

 

Next week I took holiday at work, we will go with my children to my favourite spa, there is also a farm there, with horses, sheeps and beautiful nature for mashroom picking and berry picking, big wineyards and nut trees. I like that a lot. I am bringing with myself paper for making drawings and besides of that I will admire only the nature and quitness of the scenery. I hope that the unwanted thoughts will not be so bad, I would so much like if they were already gone.

[Martina23]

I am so happy there is anything like creativity on the world, this creativity helps me to overcome this harm OCD so much. If I did not have it, I would already fall long time ago. Like this, today I got again such a big wave of harm OCD. My boss was here explaining something about the work, yesterday I did not have it, but today it came stronger than ever, such repeating bad thoughts about me causing harm. If it comes, I always feel to hide myself, totally guilty of being me and perverted and ill in some way. Like someone who should be put out of people´s way not to cause danger to society.

 

I try then always to find something creative to do. It does not have to do with art, creative can be many things. Write a good standpoint, to think about the structure of my book, about what I am going to write about, or just prepare all necessary for my child support trial so that the children get their child support or to do work which I am doing in a proper way, and then I find my value in the well done work and then I can continue going on even with these thoughts.

 

But if I did not have so much occupation, I would not be able to endure all this. Sometimes I think that this occupation is for me an escape which protects me before thinking too much.

[AliG]

 Martina,

 

I think  anything that provides an " escape" at this time is a good thing .  Everyone is different, in this respect. I don't really think it matters what it is , as long as it  stops any ruminating.  For me , it's painting .    I find exercise , good too.   You mentioned on my thread, that you felt you would be bored with Yoga. The type I do , is called " ashtanga" and is extremely active. I also get bored with the " breathing" style of yoga.  Too slow, for me.

 

I think writing can be very therapeutic, as well.  I hope it all continues , to go well for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Ali.

[LoveandLight]

Yes it's great you can do all these things..I so wish I could go back to work

[Martina23]

Ali, I like that you are painting. What are you painting with? I like also drawing, but I am drawing only with the pencil.

Today the bad thoughts were the worst ever after my jump. I already thought I will again enroll by the psychiatry. But I still try to hope. I am going now to do dinner for the children - I have them already home.

[AliG]

 Martina ,

 

I used to paint with " water colors", but not so much , now.  I need, to get back , to it .  Also interested in " Mixed media".   I just have to push through, the " procrastination", and get on with it  !!

 

It's hard , and so tiring .  Some days, I just give up !

[Martina23]

I like water colours, but it is very difficult if you make some mistake because they cant be removed anymore, therefore I do everything with pencil because if I make someone for example too big nose or so it can be still corrected.

[AliG]

 LOL !!   

 

You make me laugh !  Martina.

 

What do you mean , 'Enroll  by the psychiatry ".  That sounds ominous.   Be careful.    

 

Love,   Ali.

[Martina23]

I had today really bad intrusive thoughts and I went scared that they are already too much and so I was thinking if I shouldnt go to the psychiatry. But I spoke with friends about that and they meant it would not be such a good idea and they meant the obsessive thoughts are not to be carried out they are just scary. They meant I should hold it will repair itself. So I did not go anywhere and try to ride it out. I have now the "women things" and at this time the symptoms are really much worse.

[AliG]

 Martina'

 

Don't take any notice of these thoughts.  It's all " withdrawal ".

 

Love,

 

Ali.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Martina-- if you read back through your journal you'll see that this is the third or forth time that this has happened.  Each time you reacted the same way with panic and wanting to updose.  But each time you weathered the storm and came out the other side in fine shape.  You should have no trouble getting through this one and it should be easier that the last time.  Trust is yourself and it will be fine.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[Martina23]

I know Brassmonkey, you are right as always. I think I catch the panic as I am afraid that one day I get up and I will be in psychosis and I will not realize that these thoughts are not right and that I will do something. But I will not updose, once I have to go through it, if it ends positive or negative, I am determined. But it is not easy and it takes so long.

[brassmonkey]

That's the part that is so frustrating, it's so hard and takes so long.  It's hard to see sometimes, but each time it happens it is a little easier and a little more familiar.  Getting to know how it feels and how you react is very important, because then you can see it starting tohappen and be mentally prepared with distractions, painting, drawing, long walks, swimming.  Things that are absorbing so you can concentrate on them and ignore the bad stuff.  Learn when to "change the channel" and watch something else.

[AliG]

 Martina,

 

How are you ?   I hope you're travelling along well.       how's the drawing going ? 

 

Ali.

[Martina23]

Last days I suffer with so many irrational fears. I think if I describe one I had today everybody would think I am already totally nuts. Today we watched TV and in the middle I got a thought that the TV is operated by the aliens who are giving there the programmes, the thought continued with I should tell it to the reception at the hotel. After it I imagined how I am telling it in the hotel and I got panic attack. I was so scared that I am getting schizophrenie from these tablets and I asked my friends, who meant I dont have schizophrenie. Sometimes when such thoughts come I really am afraid I got schizophrenie from Lyrica and that it is not withdrawal at all. I mean, who normal would think the TV programme comes from aliens.

[KLA324]

Hi Martina,

 

I am somewhat new to SA but I have read your story. I am in awe of your strength and your recovery so far. I know the thoughts you are having are very scary but because you know they are just thoughts and not things you take action on, that should make you see they are not true. I know how you feel though because I get bad thoughts myself and then it sends me into a panic attack. I still have not found ways to calm myself down in the right way so I end up wasting a lot of time with the bad thoughts.

 

I think you are a very brave woman who is much stronger than you know. I hope your day is going a bit better.

 

Karen

[KLA324]

Hugs to you, Martina---thank you for posting on my thread. I left you a message over there.

 

Karen

[Altostrata]

Martina, did you have such thoughts before you went on Lyrica?

[starburst]

Hi Martina23

I have just read through your thread and I wanted to let you know that I think you are a tremendously courageous young woman. It is not easy being a single mother on top of battling withdrawal from these drugs. 

 

I am sure that the thoughts that you are having are all withdrawal symptoms, as bad as they are. You can recognise them for what they are. This is what you said:

 I mean, who normal would think the TV programme comes from aliens.

 

Also the fact that you are able to look back and remember the situation you were in when you had your babies and be able to forgive the doctors is a big step forward. If you can write down all these things in a journal then I am sure you will see a pattern of healing taking place. 

 

I did some really silly things when I was on medication. I used to fight with people just for the sake of fighting. I was banned from a "My little pony" website for causing stupid arguments with people...........I'm a 50 year old woman! what was I even doing on a kids toy forum???? But that was not the 'real' me. That was a drug induced woman that I barely recognise now. 

 

I wish you all the best and pray that your journey unfolds as well as it possibly can x

[Martina23]

No I did not. I had quite normal brain. I got the meds against nerve pain after caesarian delivery.

Martina, did you have such thoughts before you went on Lyrica?

[Martina23]

Terrible. We are on holidays and when I ask the children if we are going swimming or strolling, the answer is always no. They want to lie around and watch TV. And very frequently they check the refrigerator. That is the whole activity we are doing. The whole time we are watching Inspektor Gadget. I think I have to push them because in other case we will spend whole our holiday in hotel room.

[Martina23]

I think I really got schizophrenie from these drugs. We were now on the dinner and there was one man behind me murmuring something, and I got so scared and I had again harm thoughts but such as if I werent in reality. I am now crying so much. I tried so much to come off these drugs, I was prior so healthy, and now I feel I have no other choice than to end on the psychiatry and be medicated for life. I dont know what to do. I feel that these medicaments did not give me any choice anymore. This is the worst day of my life.

[KLA324]

Oh Martina - my heart is breaking for you! I know many hours have gone by since your post so I hope you were able to breathe deeply and regain control.

 

These are just thoughts...they are not real. You are a smart and strong woman and you can overcome those thoughts.

 

I hope you are cuddling your babies right now and feeling their love.

 

Karen

[Martina23]

Thank you Karen. I was so happy that you wrote me. I needed it so much. The bad thoughts continue in the intensity I have never known. During the breakfast (in the hotel there is such abig breakfast roomm) I felt paranoid, had irrational thoughts towards the waitress, but I did nothing. I asked myself why when I really have such thoughts, why I am doing nothing. And something in me answered: because the thoughts are stupid. Nevertheless if it continues like this, I think it will end not in a good way. I have such a bad luck in life. But I already accepted the situation as it is, if my body doesnt start to do something, then we are in a big trouble