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Elyssa143

Elyssa143: Zoloft to Zyprexa

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, Elyssa143 said:

@RusTW @Rosetta thank you guys very much. Today is tolerable. I have a ton of looping thoughts. I'm terrified absolutely terrified of making an irreversible decision in a bad time. How do Imake sure that never happens? How can I make sure I make it out of this alive? I'm very scared. I dont want to die. But during the bad times it seems reasonable although I've never tried and dont want to but during a wave is a whole other story. If that makes sense? Hope you both are doing ok. 

 

This makes sense according to my experience.  It's as if you are afraid of yourself!!  As that is in the past for me, I can analyze it a bit, and I think it's a form of OCD, quite frankly.  With perspective, I see that obsessing over the SI was my brain's attempt to get control over it -- to make it stop.  For what it's worth, I think you are perfectly safe from yourself.  You don't want to die.  That's clear.  You have a family, and a responsibility to remain that you can think about in order to distract yourself.  It would take energy and other things you don't have anyway.  

 

I believe that you need a "safety blanket" or several to help yourself feel less at risk.  When you think about how afraid you are of SI, you need to touch something that makes you feel safe.  I suggest that you write a hotline number on a piece of paper and touch it when you feel anxious about SI.  If that doesn't work, I'm sure you will find something - look at a picture of your kids, hold one of their stuffed animals, etc.. Develop some sort of ritual to center you when that fear arises.  Then, breathe -- practice a breathing exercise to try to calm down.  Even if these things don't work keep doing them until they do.  You might look like you have OCD.  So what?!  You probably do, but whatever it takes, right?!

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RusTW
3 hours ago, Elyssa143 said:

@RusTW @Rosetta thank you guys very much. Today is tolerable. I have a ton of looping thoughts. I'm terrified absolutely terrified of making an irreversible decision in a bad time. How do Imake sure that never happens? How can I make sure I make it out of this alive? I'm very scared. I dont want to die. But during the bad times it seems reasonable although I've never tried and dont want to but during a wave is a whole other story. If that makes sense? Hope you both are doing ok. 

Glad today is better.You will always have to make decisions.You can't stop living.It will build your confidence.Make the decision your going to b ok because you will.Its scary I know .you've made it this far keep truckin along. Zoloft and Zyprexa have a nasty bite while you're on and off them so you'll have to recover from that. You have to make yourself as comfortable as you can during your waves that's the best you can do.

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Elyssa143

Ok I'm going to try to place my thoughts as well as possible.

I'm trying to work on acceptance, I think that's one of the biggest things in withdrawl.  I think I cant let go of the fact that I'm going through this again when I should have known better after benzo withdrawl, but truly I had no idea antidepressants could do the same thing as benzos. I'm trying to think and understand what's going on as best as possible. I've always been a worrier, always! And I think that turned into panic which caused me to get on the zoloft in the first place. I also know the benzo withdrawl caused me PTSD, so much so that once I was on the zoloft the first time and able to live life I moved forward, never saw another dr again and stopped taking care of myself the way I should have. I regret that now but what I'm going through is opening my eyes to a much bigger world and of course the horrible fear of everything. I'm terrified literally. I'm scared of everything, when I went through the benzo withdrawl I told myself I wouldnt nake it through if I went through that again, but back then I thought it was worsening postpartum so I never had another child because I couldnt go through that again, but going through this now I know it was definitely withdrawal. When a wave comes over me I feel suffocated and with a horrible feeling of  dread. It's horrible. I've been contributing that to depression, but maybe it's more of a severe anxiety, about getting worse, not making it through this, loosing everything I worked so hard for. Because I get up everyday and fight and try, I eat really well, I do my best to distract. But when that feeling overcomes me I feel like I want to die. I hope some of this makes sense. I know I'm rambling but I'm hoping someone could shed some light. I think I'm trying to say I'm starting to realize this is more fear and anxiety and doom vs depression and not wanting to do anything. I'm going to make meditation a bit part of my recovery as well I havent been doing that. I definitely get stuck in the what ifs and negative looping as well. I really cant be positive about anything in the situation. Do you think if I got ahold of the negative looping some of this would dissipate? Thank you for listening. ❤

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta  thank you so much for responding. I definitely agree with you. I'm starting to wonder if I do havanhedonia but also severe anxiety and worry that's causing the absolute fear and worry. When a wave comes over me it's like a horrible feeling of suffocation and dread. Like I wont nake it and everything will get worse and I'll loose everything. I posted above kind of my feelings maybe you could touch on that? Thank you for being there for me. I hope today is a better day.  

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Elyssa143

@RusTW thanks for being there for me. Your right. It's just so hard in a wave u forget everything. I'm wondering if I'm suffering more from extreme anxiett and dread about the future and making it through this you know? I'm going to work more on meditating.  Hope u can read my post above. Hope you have a nice day. 

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I found this and wanted to see your thoughts. This is where it seems that it's more of an ocd thing.  But the other day I said I wanted to die and that scares me because I dont. But I'm sure it was just because it was a bad day no?

What are some characteristics of suicide obsessions (unwanted suicidal thoughts)?

 

 

  • Suicide obsessions tend to be associated with fear about the possibility of acting on suicidal thoughts.
  • In some cases, suicide obsessions may be primarily associated with fear about the implications of having suicidal thoughts — e.g., the fear of being bad or sinful, the fear of offending God, the fear of becoming depressed, the fear of developing a severe mental illness, or the fear of having to undergo an involuntary psychiatric hospitalization.
  • Suicide obsessions involve unwanted suicidal thoughts, whereas self-harm obsessions involve unwanted thoughts of hurting oneself.
  • People who have suicide obsessions do not want to act on their thoughts, or they may be unsure about whether they “really” want to act on their thoughts.
  • People with suicide obsessions often feel extremely guilty about their suicidal thoughts.

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jonnypeters1234567

Im getting hit bad with this Elyssa, espically after akathisia, its like an urge- but passes within a couple of mins, then i feel traumatised by it

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Elyssa143

@jonnypeters1234567 I had that when I was on the medicine I know what u mean. I'm going to try hard to meditate and work on retraining my brain so the fear doesnt keep the cycyle going. Hope your doing ok!

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RusTW

Hat timeHi there -Good plan.Deep breathing meditation should help ya.Stick with it.it helps me. It's a good way to get to know your two selves the quiet self and the racy self.

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RusTW

?How did your day go

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RusTW

 this wave that's hit me now has extreme racing anxiety.

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Elyssa143

@RusTW yesterday was fairly good. It was the first day I was by myself in 5 months. The kids went back to school. I got some sleep last night but woke up ruminating about suicide :( thethe fear of it. The fear of making an irreversible decision. The fear of this going on and getting worse and wanting to give up. I wish it would go away. The way I felt on sunday and saying I wanted to die and wanted to kill myself is so scary. But I didnt want to deep down that was just my frustration.  I'm just terrified and wish it would go away. How are u doing today?

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RusTW

Hi Elyssa I'm hit hard today. I understand your anxiety that you're having mine [is simular but a little bit different.I got extreme anxiety that is with OCD and confusion. Its from zoloft.You will get better.We have to ride it out.our windows will get better and longer.I just had a 5 day window that was very good.

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RusTW

How are you?

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RusTW

 checking in with you to see how you're doing

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Miracle123

Hi Elyssa143, How are you? Everything fine and smooth for you? Take care.

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