Ariel: protracted withdrawal and PAWS

[Mirtazapine20mg]

5 minutes ago, Ariel said:

It's easier sometimes to have faith in others than in oneself.

You are absolutely right Ariel. Much easier in fact. And often I forget what people have gone through to get where they are. And how exhausted they must feel after the journey. 

 

Sending you a hug back (<- what is happening to me?!?!)

[Ariel]

9 minutes ago, Mirtazapine20mg said:

Sending you a hug back (<- what is happening to me?!?!)

LOL 

Just you wait, a few more drops and things are gonna get real touchy-feely 

[SkyBlue]

On 6/27/2022 at 12:09 PM, Ariel said:

d) The cruelest trick WD plays on us is to convince us it's not there. This is a big one. The extent to which our condition lies to us and f*cks with our minds is beyond anything I've ever known. 

Thiiiiiiiiis. Reminding myself it's not just "the way life is"  -- it is the delicate and precious nervous system righting itself. 

 

I appreciate your perspectives and insights, Ariel. Much solidarity and love to you. ❤️

Edited July 11, 2022 by SkyBlue
eep! pushed wrong button and didn't include reply!

[Blossom71]

I hope you're hanging in there lovely @Ariel

I've got covid brain fog today so i was planning on going back and reading to see how you've been, but my brain is mashed after a busy morning.   I'll come back when it's cleared a bit x

[Mirtazapine20mg]

Hug

[Ariel]

16 hours ago, Mirtazapine20mg said:

Hug

 

Thank you so much for this, @Mirtazapine20mg

I needed that! 

Hugs to you, too <3

 

[ShiningLight]

On 6/30/2022 at 12:48 AM, Ariel said:

 

 

I've been noticing something I think is an improvement (curious to hear what you think): increased muscle efficacy/strength -- the opposite of muscle weakness. In other words, I feel like my muscles are working better!

 

This is remarkable to me because it's been a couple of years since I've been able to exercise properly, and I'm definitely in worse shape, much heavier with more fat and less muscle mass, than I was at the beginning of WD. I haven't been lifting weights or training, I can't do much at all. However I feel like my muscles work better. I've been noticing this on and off for the past few months. I still sometimes get muscle aches and extreme full-body fatigue, but it's like my muscles have more energy, more available resources to do what they need to do. I'm not sure how to describe it but it's pretty cool. 

 

This new experience is making me realize that I may have suffered from significant drug-induced muscle weakness for decades without even realizing it. I just thought how it was was normal. Now I'm thinking it probably wasn't normal at all! How else to explain that today I am much older, overweight, out of shape, with inadequate muscle mass, and still things seem to be working better? If it is indeed the case that I had muscle weakness side effects for most of my life, consider me retroactively offended. 

 

 

Ariel, I am late reading this but I am so happy that you're getting some relief from the muscle stuff! Definitely something to celebrate! Thank you for sharing and giving me hope! 

[Ariel]

@ShiningLight

 

4 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Ariel, I am late reading this but I am so happy that you're getting some relief from the muscle stuff! Definitely something to celebrate! Thank you for sharing and giving me hope! 

 

Thank you for stopping by and sharing your kind thoughts. 

You have given me a gift, in more ways than one. 

I confess the past weeks have seen a resurgence of muscle and joint aches, as well as fatigue.

However, your message reminds me of the improvements I'd noticed prior.

Thank you for drawing my attention to the possibility of an alternate reality! 

I'm glad we are here together to celebrate each other's good news and remind each other of it in more challenging moments. 

I know you've had plenty going on yourself, so your support feels extra special and sweet. Thank you. 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

[wantrelief]

Dearest @Ariel: Thank you for your sweet message on my thread yesterday.  

 

I am sorry to read you have had a resurgence of muscle and joint aches as well as fatigue.  But.....there is indeed the possibility of an alternate reality (I liked how you said that)!  You have experienced that and it will reemerge......I hope sooner rather than later.

 

I am thinking of you and sending you lots of good thoughts,

WR

 

[SkyBlue]

8 hours ago, Ariel said:

Thank you for drawing my attention to the possibility of an alternate reality! 

I'm glad we are here together to celebrate each other's good news and remind each other of it in more challenging moments. 

 

"The possibility of an alternative reality!" --- borrowing that, filing it in my mental wd-filing-cabinet.

 

Strongly agree w/all of the above! ! !

[Ariel]

@wantrelief

Thank you so much for your good thoughts and wishes. They make a difference <3

You have been at this a long time and I value your hard-won perspective. 

Looking at your drug signature, as I sometimes do, I find myself amazed at your courage and tenacity. 

Hats off to you for your hard work and patience, you have come so very far. You are my hero <3

The depth of your experience makes your words of encouragement resonate all the more. 

Thank you for your support <3

[Ariel]

@SkyBlue

Thank you so much for stopping by to lend my thread a positive boost! 

WD is putting the pause in PAWS today, I seem to be barely able to get out of bed. 

It's mind-boggling how the symptoms go, living a life of their own. I'm just along for the ride. 

Two days ago I went for a lovely one-hour walk in the park, enjoying the fresh air and greenery. 

Home now I've opened my windows, the draft is simulating a breeze, the screen substituting for scenery. 

I am giving thanks for this mode of connection in lieu of the other. When one reality is temporarily unavailable we might visit another. 

One love, all one. This tired body is working hard, healing is happening and will continue till it's done.

I remind myself the exhaustion is warranted or it wouldn't be felt. My body's doing its best with the hand it was dealt. 

Thank you for your support, SkyBlue. Transcendental travel and reality-hopping to you <3

 

[wantrelief]

Oh Ariel, thank you so much for everything you said....it means more to me than you can ever know. Thank YOU for all of your support. 💖

[Heath]

10 minutes ago, Ariel said:

One love, all one. This tired body is working hard, healing is happening and will continue till it's done.

Ariel, you know I ve noticed over the years my muscles dwindling away and faster during the ssri swapperoo years maybe coincidence or old age or the drugs. But I have read somewhere sometime ago that the drugs can cause this.
 

It is so mind boggling that this drug can make us unable to walk one day and run the next.
Hang on ! That fatigue will leave soon ! 

 

 

[Faure]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling bad again. It will pass, hang on in there. I know you hang onto those windows you have had, they will come again. 

[Believer]

@Ariel

Sorry to read that you’re feeling fatigued. That walk in the park sounds lovely though. 
I really hope things turn around soon. Hold onto those windows, they are such a blessing and a sign of healing.

Hugs,

Believer

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you, Rosetta

[unblocktheplanet]

Dear Ariel, it's sure the little things that count. Good friend from the day who I have not seen in person for five decades nor heard from in several years just sent me a b/w photo of a 20-year old hippie with hair he could sit on--me!

 

There's some serendipitous amazement out there for you, too. Keep looking up! Thinking of you...

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/27/2022 at 12:09 PM, Ariel said:

 

Yesterday afternoon some cognitive/emotional/mental symptoms returned, albeit mildly. Today they're ramping up a bit, along with fatigue. 

 

Sorry to hear this

i hope it gets better. You sound as coherent and smart (not lacking in cognitive abilities) as always to me. 

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/27/2022 at 12:09 PM, Ariel said:

What if I could approach WD wonkiness with even a fraction of the unconditional acceptance that I felt towards those kitties?  

How amazing would that be? So hard to accept negative experiences most times, specially WD .

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/27/2022 at 12:09 PM, Ariel said:

Yesterday afternoon some cognitive/emotional/mental symptoms returned, albeit mildly. Today they're ramping up a bit, along with fatigue. 

The past three nights in a row I've slept about 5 hours straight through, decent quality rest. That's been quite lovely. 

 

I feel so grateful for Saturday's experience. I trust it will nourish me moving forward. Sustained release. 

 

Earlier today I watched a cat video I came across in another member's thread. It was irresistibly charming. I found myself sitting there with a big grin on my face. I don't usually seek out cute pet videos but this made me think maybe I should. 

 

A few hours ago I started feeling certain WD symptoms stirring in the background, and I noticed myself having this funny thought in response: Oh WD, you're so weird.

 

The thought was affectionate, it was like when you shake your head and smile and kind of shrug at the incorrigible antics of a child. This made me think of the cat video I had watched, how I had giggled and delighted in and embraced the feline weirdness. I thought: 

What if I could approach WD wonkiness with even a fraction of the unconditional acceptance that I felt towards those kitties?  

 

It was an interesting idea and I appreciated it gracing me. Not sure I'm articulating it properly here. It has to do with the tone and timbre of my innate immediate response to watching those cats frolic; and exploring the possibility of encountering the improbable and surprising strangeness of the WD experience with similar openness and lack of judgment. It's something I'll be inquiring into further and playing around with.

 

This month has been rough and tumble and mind-numbingly eventful in that unique WD way of: not much has happened on the outside, while on the inside I've journeyed through a veritable vortex of cosmos and chaos and black holes galore. I'm processing the experience(s) and sifting through the lessons.

 

Some of the things this past week has taught me:

 

a) Neuro-emotions can be positive as well as negative. This was a revelation, and very helpful to realize. 

 

b) WD is not me. I got a glimpse of what it might be like to be free and clear of WD and it is worth waiting for.

Non-WD reality is real and true. 

 

c) A single day can make a world of difference. I went from intense SI desperation to perfect okay-ness overnight (less than 6 hours). 

 

d) The cruelest trick WD plays on us is to convince us it's not there. This is a big one. The extent to which our condition lies to us and f*cks with our minds is beyond anything I've ever known. 

 

As I write this thunder is rolling in and I can hear the rain start to fall. I look forward to the heat and humidity lifting. 

 

Thank you for your kindness and support through it all. 

We're in this together. 

Wishing better days coming your way, and less heat as well. 
i didnt know positive neuro emotions was a thing but it makes sense.

I see how many people stop to provide support and I am happy for you as you stop and check in, and provide support for others as well. 

Healing hugs

[arbor]

Sending best wishes for your healing @Ariel 💜

[Bp1961]

@Ariel I just have to tell you, you are truly an amazing person. With all the pain that you've gone through, you still have the strength to encourage, support and inspire me and many people on this board. You are a special person! I can't thank you enough for your invaluable contribution. 🙏🙏🙏

 

 

[Sheera]

@Arielsending warrior vibes your way today. I was thinking about you and wanted to check in. 
 

Sheera

[Ariel]

On 7/19/2022 at 7:11 PM, Heath said:

Ariel, you know I ve noticed over the years my muscles dwindling away and faster during the ssri swapperoo years maybe coincidence or old age or the drugs. But I have read somewhere sometime ago that the drugs can cause this.
 

It is so mind boggling that this drug can make us unable to walk one day and run the next.
Hang on ! That fatigue will leave soon ! 

 

Thank you for your encouragement, @Heath

I know you've been going through a lot yourself lately and it means a lot that you took the time to stop by and express support. 

The muscle issues are challenging on a daily basis -- muscle weakness, muscle fatigue, muscle aches and pains. 

This seems to wax and wane independently of attempts at interventions. 

My best best is that it's due to WD and so the chant is, as always: This is temporary; it will pass; it gets better. 

Healing is happening <3

Thank you for being a friend on the journey, and all the best to you <3

[Ariel]

Thank you all so much for your kind messages. 

Thank you for reaching out and visiting and writing and helping me feel less alone. 

 

It's true, if I'm being honest, that I feel pretty awful most of the time. I just don't really like to write or talk or think about it as one of my non-drug coping techniques is to distract and ignore and other versions of A-A-F. In fact, sometimes for weeks at a time I experience an aversion to posting here in my topic because I just don't want to in any way deal with the lived experience of my symptoms. My thread becomes a sort of metaphor for confronting reality -- thanks, but no thanks? -- and I prefer to get through the day utilizing a highly sophisticated stress management strategy analogous to sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling LA LA LA.

 

All this to say I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your comments.

 

Today marks five weeks exactly since the window happened. It lasted a day and change (about 28-30 hours from opening to closing) and was a powerful lesson in what may be possible on the other side of this. Every day since then I try to connect with that memory to keep me going. I no longer feel the window, but I hold its gifts within and cultivate the experience as much as I can. It's a balancing act, of course, because I also don't want to fixate on it in a way that prevents me from being present (insomuch as that's possible at the moment). I don't want to be just hanging on in desperation waiting for the next window, although in all candor, that is sometimes how it goes.

 

Prior to that window I hadn't had one since October 2021 -- they have been few and far between. I try not to read too much into that, I try not to think about it too much, I try to just get on with it. At the same time, when I read posts and success stories of people describing a pattern of getting more frequent windows of increased duration, that sure does sound good to me. I'm ready for some of that, please. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: It is what it is. 

 

That level of acceptance and putting my head down and plowing through is the best I can do. WD will have me believe that it's not good enough, and this is what the window has given me: I don't believe in WD; I believe in me. Even when I don't feel like "me" in any recognizable way. Even when I don't know what "me" means. I know WD is not me, and I am not WD. 

 

Whenever wherever possible I shy away from the monkey mind's enticements towards analysis, diagnostics, interpretations, manipulations.

I am trying not to faux-fix things, no pseudo-problem solving, as tempting as this may be (it is, after all, a mental illusion of escape via distraction). A lot of the time this means sitting with discomfort, anguish, impatience, grief, frustration, despair, alienation, pain, and letting them be. A lot of the time that is very clumsy, and all of the time it is imperfect. 

 

I vaguely keep track while also not keeping track. I mean, I notice things, and I deliberately weight the noticings of anything nourishing. There are certainly improvements to be thankful for, and I do give thanks. At the same time, I must say, when people speak of the waves becoming easier and lighter and more bearable, either my experience is different or I'm just not there yet. Sometimes I wonder whether, as emotional sensitivity gradually returns throughout recovery, the basic suffering ratio of symptom intensity to depth of feeling remains about the same. In addition, battle weariness is real. 

 

Navigating SA, I try to stay mindful of how individual our respective journeys are. It requires a certain emotional capacity and mental acuity to remember that each person's way out of psychiatric drugs is different, and each person's symptom/healing pattern is ultimately unique. Of course we cannot help but compare notes, as this is part and parcel (or perhaps a byproduct) of mirroring each other as we witness and support one another through this ordeal. The art must zen be to hold space for each other's experience while maintaining our own integrity and boundaries, holding space for the all-encompassing overarching not-knowing, and trusting all the while that our own bodies are doing as they must.  

 

As @Greatful often and rightly says, we just have to make it to our pillows at night. 

(In my case getting through the day still regularly involves the challenge of first making it off of my pillow. But I can occasionally successfully bribe myself into getting up by saying, Think of how much sweeter it will be to return to bed later after you've been out of it for a while. Sometimes this works, similarly to addict's logic of, Why don't you hold off on X drug for a while because then when you take it again it'll really be good -- genius! Sometimes the argument is wasted on WD-me completely and I'm just one big nihilistic FU to myself, no matter whose powers of persuasion.)

 

One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one second/minute/hour/day at a time.

Everyone here is familiar with the most infinitesimal units of measurement conceivable, as we sometimes need to break down lived/living-in-real-time experience into the tiniest imaginable increments in order to tackle getting through. And we do. We do what we gotta do, and we get through. 

 

To everyone here, I am so grateful for your compassion, your kindness, and your shining example. 

Each one of you is my hero and a source of profound inspiration. THANK YOU. 

Love to you 

[Bp1961]

6 hours ago, Ariel said:

"My best best is that it's due to WD and so the chant is, as always: This is temporary; it will pass; it gets better. 

Healing is happening <3"

 

 I love the chant! 

[wantrelief]

Thank you for sharing where you are at in your journey, @Ariel.  I related to many things you wrote.....this in particular stood out:

 

5 hours ago, Ariel said:

remember that each person's way out of psychiatric drugs is different, and each person's symptom/healing pattern is ultimately unique.

I have to remind myself of this too as my journey seems so different than anyone else I've come across and my WD brain will tell me that I am too messed up/broken/blah blah to heal.  

 

But, yes, this is what we must do:

5 hours ago, Ariel said:

holding space for the all-encompassing overarching not-knowing, and trusting all the while that our own bodies are doing as they must.  

 

5 hours ago, Ariel said:

To everyone here, I am so grateful for your compassion, your kindness, and your shining example. 

Each one of you is my hero and a source of profound inspiration.

Right back at you!! 💖  Thank you for being here and sharing so much of your kind brave heart with all of us.

[RachelSusan]

@Ariel I appreciated your update as to how things are going. 

 

I never had windows as I was going through withdrawal. It was just a slow up hill grind with small amounts of improvement. I don't know what that is worth because as you said, we all have different experiences with withdrawal.  I guess I wanted wanted to let you know healing is possible even without windows.

 

I hope you continue to see improvement.

 

 

[ShiningLight]

On 7/18/2022 at 11:42 PM, Ariel said:

@ShiningLight

I confess the past weeks have seen a resurgence of muscle and joint aches, as well as fatigue.

However, your message reminds me of the improvements I'd noticed prior.

 

 

Uggg I'm sorry to hear that it's back. One thing that it helps me to remember is 'As quickly as this came, it can go too.' Now, unfortunately, that works both ways, with both good and bad stuff! 🤣 But I tend to use that saying to comfort myself when things are bad. 

 

I'm glad you got to experience the window. Here's wishing for another one soon. I admire your ability to see the positive, keep trucking! 

[Greeneyedfelines]

Stopping by to send you huge healing hugs 🤗 

 

I really hope you have another window very soon @Aerial 

🙏💕

[HealthHopeHappiness]

Know I’m thinking of you @Arieland sending you my very best wishes. What a hard journey this is but you approach it with the most humbling of attitudes. I hope a window opens for you soon, you so deserve it. 💞

[DazzlingCold]

On 7/30/2022 at 4:41 AM, Ariel said:

Thank you all so much for your kind messages. 

Thank you for reaching out and visiting and writing and helping me feel less alone. 

 

It's true, if I'm being honest, that I feel pretty awful most of the time. I just don't really like to write or talk or think about it as one of my non-drug coping techniques is to distract and ignore and other versions of A-A-F. In fact, sometimes for weeks at a time I experience an aversion to posting here in my topic because I just don't want to in any way deal with the lived experience of my symptoms. My thread becomes a sort of metaphor for confronting reality -- thanks, but no thanks? -- and I prefer to get through the day utilizing a highly sophisticated stress management strategy analogous to sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling LA LA LA.

 

All this to say I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your comments.

 

Today marks five weeks exactly since the window happened. It lasted a day and change (about 28-30 hours from opening to closing) and was a powerful lesson in what may be possible on the other side of this. Every day since then I try to connect with that memory to keep me going. I no longer feel the window, but I hold its gifts within and cultivate the experience as much as I can. It's a balancing act, of course, because I also don't want to fixate on it in a way that prevents me from being present (insomuch as that's possible at the moment). I don't want to be just hanging on in desperation waiting for the next window, although in all candor, that is sometimes how it goes.

 

Prior to that window I hadn't had one since October 2021 -- they have been few and far between. I try not to read too much into that, I try not to think about it too much, I try to just get on with it. At the same time, when I read posts and success stories of people describing a pattern of getting more frequent windows of increased duration, that sure does sound good to me. I'm ready for some of that, please. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: It is what it is. 

 

That level of acceptance and putting my head down and plowing through is the best I can do. WD will have me believe that it's not good enough, and this is what the window has given me: I don't believe in WD; I believe in me. Even when I don't feel like "me" in any recognizable way. Even when I don't know what "me" means. I know WD is not me, and I am not WD. 

 

Whenever wherever possible I shy away from the monkey mind's enticements towards analysis, diagnostics, interpretations, manipulations.

I am trying not to faux-fix things, no pseudo-problem solving, as tempting as this may be (it is, after all, a mental illusion of escape via distraction). A lot of the time this means sitting with discomfort, anguish, impatience, grief, frustration, despair, alienation, pain, and letting them be. A lot of the time that is very clumsy, and all of the time it is imperfect. 

 

I vaguely keep track while also not keeping track. I mean, I notice things, and I deliberately weight the noticings of anything nourishing. There are certainly improvements to be thankful for, and I do give thanks. At the same time, I must say, when people speak of the waves becoming easier and lighter and more bearable, either my experience is different or I'm just not there yet. Sometimes I wonder whether, as emotional sensitivity gradually returns throughout recovery, the basic suffering ratio of symptom intensity to depth of feeling remains about the same. In addition, battle weariness is real. 

 

Navigating SA, I try to stay mindful of how individual our respective journeys are. It requires a certain emotional capacity and mental acuity to remember that each person's way out of psychiatric drugs is different, and each person's symptom/healing pattern is ultimately unique. Of course we cannot help but compare notes, as this is part and parcel (or perhaps a byproduct) of mirroring each other as we witness and support one another through this ordeal. The art must zen be to hold space for each other's experience while maintaining our own integrity and boundaries, holding space for the all-encompassing overarching not-knowing, and trusting all the while that our own bodies are doing as they must.  

 

As @Greatful often and rightly says, we just have to make it to our pillows at night. 

(In my case getting through the day still regularly involves the challenge of first making it off of my pillow. But I can occasionally successfully bribe myself into getting up by saying, Think of how much sweeter it will be to return to bed later after you've been out of it for a while. Sometimes this works, similarly to addict's logic of, Why don't you hold off on X drug for a while because then when you take it again it'll really be good -- genius! Sometimes the argument is wasted on WD-me completely and I'm just one big nihilistic FU to myself, no matter whose powers of persuasion.)

 

One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one second/minute/hour/day at a time.

Everyone here is familiar with the most infinitesimal units of measurement conceivable, as we sometimes need to break down lived/living-in-real-time experience into the tiniest imaginable increments in order to tackle getting through. And we do. We do what we gotta do, and we get through. 

 

To everyone here, I am so grateful for your compassion, your kindness, and your shining example. 

Each one of you is my hero and a source of profound inspiration. THANK YOU. 

Love to you 

I see you. I hear you. You are doing so good. 

[Healingcontinues]

On 7/30/2022 at 11:41 AM, Ariel said:

 

Thank you all so much for your kind messages. 

Thank you for reaching out and visiting and writing and helping me feel less alone. 

 

It's true, if I'm being honest, that I feel pretty awful most of the time. I just don't really like to write or talk or think about it as one of my non-drug coping techniques is to distract and ignore and other versions of A-A-F. In fact, sometimes for weeks at a time I experience an aversion to posting here in my topic because I just don't want to in any way deal with the lived experience of my symptoms. My thread becomes a sort of metaphor for confronting reality -- thanks, but no thanks? -- and I prefer to get through the day utilizing a highly sophisticated stress management strategy analogous to sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling LA LA LA.

 

All this to say I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your comments.

 

Today marks five weeks exactly since the window happened. It lasted a day and change (about 28-30 hours from opening to closing) and was a powerful lesson in what may be possible on the other side of this. Every day since then I try to connect with that memory to keep me going. I no longer feel the window, but I hold its gifts within and cultivate the experience as much as I can. It's a balancing act, of course, because I also don't want to fixate on it in a way that prevents me from being present (insomuch as that's possible at the moment). I don't want to be just hanging on in desperation waiting for the next window, although in all candor, that is sometimes how it goes.

 

Prior to that window I hadn't had one since October 2021 -- they have been few and far between. I try not to read too much into that, I try not to think about it too much, I try to just get on with it. At the same time, when I read posts and success stories of people describing a pattern of getting more frequent windows of increased duration, that sure does sound good to me. I'm ready for some of that, please. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: It is what it is. 

 

That level of acceptance and putting my head down and plowing through is the best I can do. WD will have me believe that it's not good enough, and this is what the window has given me: I don't believe in WD; I believe in me. Even when I don't feel like "me" in any recognizable way. Even when I don't know what "me" means. I know WD is not me, and I am not WD. 

 

Whenever wherever possible I shy away from the monkey mind's enticements towards analysis, diagnostics, interpretations, manipulations.

I am trying not to faux-fix things, no pseudo-problem solving, as tempting as this may be (it is, after all, a mental illusion of escape via distraction). A lot of the time this means sitting with discomfort, anguish, impatience, grief, frustration, despair, alienation, pain, and letting them be. A lot of the time that is very clumsy, and all of the time it is imperfect. 

 

I vaguely keep track while also not keeping track. I mean, I notice things, and I deliberately weight the noticings of anything nourishing. There are certainly improvements to be thankful for, and I do give thanks. At the same time, I must say, when people speak of the waves becoming easier and lighter and more bearable, either my experience is different or I'm just not there yet. Sometimes I wonder whether, as emotional sensitivity gradually returns throughout recovery, the basic suffering ratio of symptom intensity to depth of feeling remains about the same. In addition, battle weariness is real. 

 

Navigating SA, I try to stay mindful of how individual our respective journeys are. It requires a certain emotional capacity and mental acuity to remember that each person's way out of psychiatric drugs is different, and each person's symptom/healing pattern is ultimately unique. Of course we cannot help but compare notes, as this is part and parcel (or perhaps a byproduct) of mirroring each other as we witness and support one another through this ordeal. The art must zen be to hold space for each other's experience while maintaining our own integrity and boundaries, holding space for the all-encompassing overarching not-knowing, and trusting all the while that our own bodies are doing as they must.  

 

As @Greatful often and rightly says, we just have to make it to our pillows at night. 

(In my case getting through the day still regularly involves the challenge of first making it off of my pillow. But I can occasionally successfully bribe myself into getting up by saying, Think of how much sweeter it will be to return to bed later after you've been out of it for a while. Sometimes this works, similarly to addict's logic of, Why don't you hold off on X drug for a while because then when you take it again it'll really be good -- genius! Sometimes the argument is wasted on WD-me completely and I'm just one big nihilistic FU to myself, no matter whose powers of persuasion.)

 

One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one second/minute/hour/day at a time.

Everyone here is familiar with the most infinitesimal units of measurement conceivable, as we sometimes need to break down lived/living-in-real-time experience into the tiniest imaginable increments in order to tackle getting through. And we do. We do what we gotta do, and we get through. 

 

To everyone here, I am so grateful for your compassion, your kindness, and your shining example. 

Each one of you is my hero and a source of profound inspiration. THANK YOU. 

Love to you 

 

Beautifully written. Your words resonate deeply with me. Your inspection, enquiry and perspective are wonderful to read. Your humility and tenacity are inspiring. Thank you for sharing and for being so transparent in your experience. It helps us all. I hear you, I see you, and I am proud of you. Sending you healing thoughts ❤️

[Ninabird]

Thinking of you sweet Ariel. 🥰

[Onmyway]

Today I read an 'article' on 'emotional dumping' and 'trauma dumping' and it reminded me of your post about refraining from posting when you are having a hard time. 

 

I have strong views about those terms and they are not positive views. In fact, both terms make me unhappy and angry. They are a way to silence victims of trauma and people who are suffering and a way to keep us apart. People walk circles around what 'this emotional dumping' is and what it is not etc. etc. but I find it offensive, I find the existence of these terms offensive. Because it silences people. It makes them distant from each other, it locks them in their individual worlds. 

 

We need to talk about the most difficult things - we need to talk about the horrible things that happen(ed) to us, the sadness and grief that we wade in and sometimes drown in because the world is a difficult place, we need to talk about the shame of feeling responsible for our traumas even when we are not, or being labeled difficult when we are rightfully angry. We need to talk about the times when it is so hard to go on that we need the crutch of kind words, of a human hand, or a strong shoulder. And sometimes we just need the shared wallowing for a bit so that we can get out of it stronger together. 

 

I don't usually find the suffering of others to be too hard to bear. In offering support I can reach out for strength I didn't know I had. The only part I find hard is being reminded that the world is so difficult and there is so much suffering in it and the anger that comes with it. But I am also often overwhelmed with compassion and love, with the knowledge that this person and I share something sacred - the raw and, at times, excruciatingly difficult experience of being human, vulnerable and hurting together.  If I don't invite the knowledge of the sorrows and vulnerability of my fellow humans how can I invite their joy and beauty and trust that it is their full selves that I am seeing? How can I share the vastness of their experience and person if I am only open for one part of it. 

 

In her absolutely brilliant (but emotionally very hard to read) book Judith Herman talks about how recovery starts at sharing our stories. Research shows that just talking about our traumas is not enough but when we talk about it we start an important process of acknowledging that this is difficult, that life is challenging, that we sometimes don't know if we can carry on, that we are terrified so often. But most importantly, in sharing we bring out things that can take monstrous proportions in our minds into the real world where they become much smaller. We can dust off and dry the heavy coat of sadness or anger and put it back just a tad bit lighter. 

 

I can't think of one cherished friendship that I have that hasn't involved us being vulnerable and sharing things that are difficult to share. With each share/venting/'dumping' I have grown closer to these people, trust has grown, connection has deepened. 

So Ariel, please share when you are so moved. Please don't hold back. We can carry you just as you carry us. Please allow us the honor to know you -  the whole human being, not just the cheerful and always supportive part. Together we are stronger and our human connection will make the suffering fade back even if just a bit, even if for just a while. 

 

It has been a difficult day today and I want to say how much I appreciate having you here. 

Edited August 2, 2022 by Onmyway