Greatful: Is this withdrawal or too many med changes at once?

[Frogie]

@Greatful

 

You've had a lot of great responses and they are all right on. The burning mouth, although very obnoxious, is very normal. I had my dentist (she's also my friend) tell me to rinse my mouth with Closys mouthwash. It has no alcohol in it and that really helped me.

 

As far as all the triggers, I really do get that. They throw you for a loop and it is really hard to cope with all those things going on with your personal life. All you can do is breathe and know it will be over soon. I'm very sorry you have to go through all of it at once though.

 

The brain is remodeling all the time through this and has moved to a new area, just like you said.

 

You will get through this, lots of self care is number one.

 

[Knosretep]

On 4/7/2022 at 11:25 PM, Greatful said:

@Frogie  Sadly I am in a rough spot..........My symptoms are about the same-except I have some added ones that are crazy---My gums get so irritated at times- it feels like I was just at the dentist and had my teeth cleaned and they are very upset and agitated-- A combo of Novocain warring off and then the agitations like the have been vandalized-- I want to rip them out

My brain has been doing the same thing------super buzzy hooked up to a low voltage cattle prong--I want to rip it out---I am great full that the intensity comes and goes  -----But is very unsettling-- I re- read some of the information from the story "what is happening in your brain story.--------I am hoping it is just the nerves healing.    Here is a link if anyone is that reads this might find it helpful    What is happening in your brain?

 

Likewise, as a scab heals over a wound, the new skin forming underneath can become "itchy". Why does this occur? Why does a scab itch?

 "The itch of a healing wound is caused by the growth of new cells underneath the old scab. New skin cells would be growing underneath, and as they form a new layer of skin, then the scab becomes more tightly stretched over this zone of activity. This can make it feel itchy. The itch sensation for burn survivors may be a tingling feeling caused by nerves re-growing, or from dry skin caused by the lack of natural oil production since oil glands may have been damaged or destroyed by the burn. As the nerves grow and start to receive and send messages, they may create that itchy feeling. The skin in this area will be a lot less thick than everywhere else, so these new nerve cells will be under a lot more pressure. Itching is a sign of healing." (Mayo Clinic)

 

I also have so extra stress going on------I am being throw back into situations that are triggering my trauma from childhood. It's triggering the all ready morphed neuro emotions of fear and sadness....  It is taking the rug out from under me..  Some really tough/ trigging things things going on this month... So hard to go through grief-trauma and WD at the same time.

 

So I guess in a nutshell I am trying to get through the days one minute.

Not sure if I should get angry about these drugs and what they do to you or crawl into a hole and cry.😓

 

 

Hi @Greatful

 

So sorry to hear about this.  You're so kind to so many people and you certainly don't deserve it.  Its horrible enough to have to go through WD alone, let alone the added grief and mourning.  I hope your family is taking good care of you, and that you take good care of yourself.  Don't forget that it won't always be like this.  Just keep taking the next step to get through one more day, one more hour, one more minute.  You'll make it. 🐶

[Greatful]

How do I put this.........I feel like I am going crazy........My brain is  tingling/numbing- feel

like my gums do sometimes.......It makes me panic and I want it to stop......I can't get at it to itch it to make it stop....I felt it coming on last night....my forehead started getting tighter and tighter like a rope knot slowly being pulled tight woke up with it tight and the tingling, burning, then cold. Sometimes when I move my head I will get a rush of buzzing.......The sad thing it moves around to different areas in the brain....tingle and tight.....Can you have akathesia type symptoms in your brain  ha ha

Really not funny though........It is so irritating and it scares me.....I feel like I am going to go insane  because I can't get to it. I have the repeated thought that I won't make it through this.  I can feel terror and panic in my body and brain

I have to tell myself that the brain is all confused and trying to find itself.....hook up everything the right way..

Has anyone else had so much problems with the brain being so irritated--buzzing-tingling-vice grips-burning-cold-crushing in on top-this has been going on for over a year now. It feels like it radiates down into my arms too........and my stomach gets nauseous.  

This is different from the usual headache----I get those too.

I just want my head back. 

 

On a positive note, my brain is getting clearer with each drop of the lex......

 

 

 

Edited April 15, 2022 by Greatful

[Ariel]

Oh @Greatful

I am so sorry for your loss. 

It sounds like such a stressful time with many things happening at once. My heart goes out to you.

 

I am impressed with your presence of mind to recognize contributing factors, as you wrote in an earlier post:

I am being throw back into situations that are triggering my trauma from childhood.

So hard to go through grief-trauma and WD at the same time.

 

Even in good times it is no small feat to see clearly, and you manage to do so despite the withdrawal-muddied waters. I believe that such awareness and wisdom are signs of health -- a credit to all the hard work that has come before -- lights that shine on to illuminate the path ahead.

Healing is happening all the time, whether we feel well in the moment or not. The body moves in wholeness towards wholeness.

 

35 minutes ago, Greatful said:

I can feel terror and panic in my body and brain

I have to tell myself that the brain is all confused and trying to find itself.....hook up everything the right way..

Has anyone else had so much problems with the brain being so irritated

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! That stinks. 

Yes, I can certainly relate to your descriptions of bizarre brain symptoms. I like your phrasing of "brain irritation". I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "They say the brain has no nerve endings, someone please explain how it is that I feel just about every possible (unpleasant) sensation known to humankind in my brain at once!?" 

I also recognize the experience of being gripped with terror and panic in body and brain. Once again, I admire your lucidity in being able to sufficiently non-attach in the moment to talk yourself through it. Way to practice non-drug coping techniques! That takes courage, strength, and massive effort. I respect your hard work, and I trust you're doing a phenomenal job! 

 

49 minutes ago, Greatful said:

On a positive note, my brain is getting clearer with each drop of the lex......

 

Thank you for including this little dessert nugget at the end of your post. Sounds like you're getting 'round the full flavor palate these days. I wish you an ever improved balance of bitter and sweet in the time to come. 

 

Holding space for you,

A.

 

 

 

[Ariel]

P.S. 

I forgot to share what sometimes helps me when dealing with unpleasant body/brain sensations: very cold water. I don't know whether this works for anyone else, I haven't read about it anywhere. It's something I discovered along the way. I think of it as "home cryotherapy": standing in the shower under the coldest running water for as long as I can stand it. Sometimes that means 5 seconds, sometimes 30 seconds, sometimes I lose count. Usually it really helps, in the following ways (incomplete list, off the top of my head): 

 

- the very cold temperature forces me to be present in my body, breaking any negative thought loops or rumination

- the intense sensation of the cold is something I can control (as opposed to WD), which is comforting

- setting a challenging goal of "I will now voluntarily stand under very cold water" and achieving that goal, despite temporary discomfort, feels rewarding and mentally fortifying; I always come out of it feeling a bit proud and better equipped to tackle WD, bc I am a cold-water rock star! ;-)

- somehow it seems to have a relaxing effect on my nervous system, especially afterwards

- I don't know whether this is true, but it seems that the cold on my scalp does something to ease the worst pain 

- it is undeniably, wholly distracting, and sometimes that's the best thing!

 

A cold plunge or cold bath would do the same. Maybe even filling a large pot/basin with ice-cold water and submerging one's face?

Holding my head under very cold water is one of the only effective ways I've found to manage in moments of extreme brain symptoms. I don't know whether it could be of interest to anyone else, just wanted to mention it. 

 

With love,

A.

 

 

[Greatful]

@Ariel  Thank You so much for stopping by.......I have been reading your thread and trying to post on it but I have been in a funk lately with no real energy or positivity.  So sorry that you had childhood trauma too.....

 

  I am so in awe of your writing......You have good humor too......Sometimes I get a little spunky and feel feisty too.  Anyway you are incredible strong........

 

Me I guess I try to be- but man there are days that I really wonder if I am going to make it through this......A person gets so tired at times.......I can tend to be a bit more negative with myself and things around me.....I guess it's the low self esteem and left over fear from childhood........Not to mention it everything being  morphed in WD and a brain that is trying to heal from a temporary chemical brain injury that isn't work right and gets things confused ......  Oh Yea let's not leave out the depression and dark thoughts.  It is such a relief when I get a break from the depression......I think that is my windows lol  I tell you if I could get rid of the depression and crazy brain I think I could do better........ I think I could put up with-- chills-aching/cold  muscles- inner shaking-anxiety-dizziness--fatigue-nausea/lack of appetite-restless sleep name a few, lol  .........But I suppose we all have things that are hard----

 

  I never knew how much my childhood affected me until WD.......I finally came to understand it when I accepted that I did have trauma which I all ways down played.......".I didn't have it as bad as  some people so quit making a big deal about it".......I am learning trauma comes in all sizes....If it affected you then you have trauma, and Boy did things come up when  I hit WD.......Left me with a crazy phobia that I have to get through. When the brain doesn't work right it comes up with crazy things...mixed together --fear fear fear--childhood trauma-- wd.   I am afraid to be around people and even my husband/children/grandchildren for reasons that I will not get into at this time.....Way to embarrassed.........Oh yea let's add in ocd and crazy superstitions fear of doing thing wrong........Which I had a touch of from childhood-

 

 

In the worst of my WD last spring I had horrible thoughts-----the birds singing might try to talk to me. the wind outside scared me-wondered if it could turn into a mans voice---and eye's they creeped me out like they were trying to talk to me- just to name a few ugh----lol out loud even my husband snoring or a dog snoring worried me, what if it changes to talking.........I had enough rational mind to know that it was not going to happen but the brain kept the idea in the fore front...  Maybe!  UGH.....So guess what fear- fear-fear---  I had a hard time being outside for awhile.  I also would get a feeling  I should be afraid of something-I felt like looking around to see if there was something there...I suppose the confused brain and all the panic- anxiety needed somewhere to go so let's be in FEAR- still have the brain saying fear fear fear a lot  really morphs when the hard waves....

 

There is a story on here that I refer to a lot called" What is happening in your brain"

I put a link in your post awhile back..........Did you read it?  She talks about spending time in a hot bath for her akathesia......I tried a hot pack on my head the other day when it was starting to drive me nuts with the buzzing and tingling like I wanted to rip at it and stop the panic-well it didn't work ha ha    Maybe I will try a cold pack or rag on my head-------

She also talks about how the nerves are healing/regenerating and can feel that itchiness.......Maybe that is what is happening.......ugh Make it stop.......thank goodness the brain racing in a panic to escape is going down as I lower the lex........

I told my hubby today   I keep thinking that sensations in the brain-----the tingling etc will get better just like when the Novocain is waring off and the horrible over irritated  gums start to settle down After a dentist appt....and go away. But it is taking a lot longer then a few hours to disappear😓........And guess what I am not a patient person.......

 

I think I am going to order the book The body Keeps the score"  My therapist recommended I do EDMR but to wait until I am more stable.......lol that could take awhile.....Might have to look into it sooner with all the triggers setting things off.........To bad I am to paranoid to meet with one now UGH........... 

 

Boy I guess I am on a roll------must be feeling a bit better 

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Greatful

Thank you for your wonderful messages here and there. Please don't ever worry about the length or scope of your posts, I enjoy them immensely! It means a lot to read your words and know you're out there somewhere. I'm so grateful for SA and the opportunity to connect and support each other. 

 

I'm sorry you "have been in a funk lately with no real energy or positivity". I hear you. When you feel this way, is there anything in particular you find helpful? Do you use any specific techniques to distract yourself or support your way through the day? Any favorite coping strategies? I'd love to hear what works for you, even if it's not pretty; even if the answer is: Nothing! I watch the seconds, minutes, hours tick by on the clock until I can go to bed. (Sometimes that's how I feel, like I just gotta run out the clock on this thing.)

 

I smiled with recognition when I read this:

 

On 4/15/2022 at 11:36 PM, Greatful said:

I tell you if I could get rid of the depression and crazy brain I think I could do better........ I think I could put up with-- chills-aching/cold  muscles- inner shaking-anxiety-dizziness--fatigue-nausea/lack of appetite-restless sleep name a few, lol

 

This thought pattern sounds so familiar. I think of it as the "symptom bargaining game". My mind starts playing at it whenever things start to feel overwhelming: Ugh, symptom X is utterly unbearable, I swear it must be the worst symptom. I would gladly put up with symptoms Y and Z if only I didn't have to deal with X. I wish I could trade, I'd rather have any number of other symptoms just not this one that's bothering me so much right now!  

Sometimes my mind takes it one step farther and tries to barter withdrawal away entirely: Withdrawal is the worst. It's the worst! I'd rather have any other illness, just not this. I'd rather have A or B or even C. Frankly even C would be better because at least it's simple to tell other people about and talk about and there are treatment protocols, and there's no blame or shame or stigma attached, everyone just takes you seriously and feels for you. And it's not like you get industrially hoodwinked and medically gaslit and psychosocially judged and misunderstood for decades and wake up one morning having lost 25+ years of your life to a lie. Withdrawal is the WORST!

 

That's my monkey mind jumping around, rattling its cage. My ego puffing itself up insisting that its own suffering is the most important, pay attention to its far superior suffering! It makes me laugh in all its fervent transparency, manipulative as a child with obvious strategies. Children act that way when they are not in control and it terrifies them because they don't feel safe in the chaos when they experience a lack of protection. These are fear mechanisms, just as you say. Silly, scared little monkey... How about a hug?

It makes me smile, from an open-hearted place of empathy and tenderness. In full acknowledgment of the fact that when our thoughts act up like this, it's signaling deeper pain underneath. To me it's a sign that I'm not actually adequately feeling my feelings at that time, and so there's this reaction of the ego bloating and showboating to get my attention, to take it seriously. My sweet little buffoon of a mind/ego. I'm practicing reaching under the thinking to the real, raw emotion and connecting with myself there, which for me these days means grieving. When I'm able to do that it hurts, because grief hurts, and I notice that other things get a lot quieter. And even though the grieving is painful, there is a kind of pleasure in it, because the grief is there and wants to be felt, so it feels right and true. It's not easy for me to do, though. 

I'm not sure at all that this has anything to do with what you meant when you wrote your post, just sharing how it resonated with me.  

 

Today I'm going to sit with myself and hold myself so gently, embrace myself with all the love I have to give. I'm going to cradle my inner child, and I'm going to feel that fierce, frightened little monkey settle down and let go into my arms, until it feels safe enough to relax and fall asleep on my chest. I'm going to hold all parts of myself close, in lovingkindness and compassion; I will protect us and keep us safe; I will feel what needs to be felt secure in the knowledge that I am not alone, I am safe, and my heart is open. 

 

In healing we trust,  

A. 

 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Greatful

Sending you a hug today

A.

[Greatful]

@Ariel  Thanks I sure need it. Trying to stay positive....I had a pretty rough morning...spent some of the morning into the afternoon on the couch laying  in quiet.....Brain was a mess, anxiety, fatigue, and then muscles cramping up........It was nice to lay there and work on not putting any expectations on myself. 

 

Does anyone else experience their lips peeling......It's mostly my top one.... And eyes, nose burning.  Not to mention that my tongue is so burnt feeling it is starting to get tender when I eat.

 

2 big things coming up  I have a granddaughters baptism tomorrow and my fathers funeral next Saturday.  So how to be around so many people?  I wish I could take a hefty dose of Xanax 🙄

 Oh yeah did I mention I have a phobia around people now😓

I will get through it and it will be behind me soon........

 

Thanks for stopping by

 

 

[Heath]

@Greatful 

try to stay away from salty, acidic, hot food or drink. Maybe eat soup, boiled or cooked veges. I use Ayr nasal mist for the dry burning sinuses and steam.  There are products for dry eyes too. Try to stick with natural ways. 
 

when I was in the throws of wd I didn’t want to be around people either. Feared it. The times I made myself go or my wife did. I felt much better afterwards especially being around friends and family. Somehow the wd feeds the fear and dread. It feeds irrational  fears
 

Yes you will get through! This will pass!

[Ariel]

@Greatful

Sorry you had a rough morning. It sounds like you've been making a valiant effort getting through it. 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how it is losing one's father amidst withdrawal. My heart goes out to you.

 

I can relate to feeling phobic about people and social situations. Also, not all social situations are created equal. Some are challenging even without withdrawal. I find often that the anticipatory anxiety is worse than the actual thing. I hope for you that maybe once you're there it'll feel more manageable. You are so good at acceptance and other coping techniques, and it can be easier to apply those tools to an actual real-life event that's happening (as opposed to the virtual-reality simulations our minds spiral out into). 

 

You will get through it, as you say. I have no doubt! One breath at a time. And how lucky your granddaughter is to have you. 

With my admiration, respect, and support -- wishing you peaceful moments, 

A.

 

[Greatful]

@Heath  I am getting to my wits end.......Do you think I need to watch what I eat more for my burnt mouth and awful sensitive gums ........Last night they flared up, I looked in the mirror and my gums were swollen and my tongue is losing it's pinkness.........I also have this in my brain ......The need to make the tingling-  numb-cold-  shrinking brain stop being so irritated.. It's like a wound that is healing and you can't decide if you want to pick at it.....Sometimes I feel like it is akathesia in the brain gums and  sometimes arms and legs..... Low voltage,  lol  I can handle the body and gums but my brain is another story........

Thanks for any input.........Make it stop lol

[Erell]

@Greatful 
I don't have a burning mouth, but since my switch I have very sensitive and regularly inflamed gums, they bleed easily and can be painful.
One day I came across an article on the internet that advised making mouthwashes with coconut oil...well, I was dubious, but after all, I wasn't taking any great risks in trying  
Well, to my surprise, in my case, it really does help calm my gums!
I'm not saying it's a miracle, but I notice that as soon as I stop doing it for several days, my gums become painful and inflamed again, whereas when I do it rigorously every day I don't bleed when brushing my teeth and I'm in less pain.
If you're interested, I put a teaspoon of coconut oil in my mouth and gargle for 10-15 minutes, 20 minutes if I'm brave, then I brush my teeth. I'm not going to go into detail, but basically gargling removes a loooot of stuff from between my teeth, which also makes me "softer" afterwards when I brush my teeth.

 

Anyway, here's my little tip, hoping it might bring you some relief 🙏

Oh and I understand perfectly what you describe with your brain, so many strange sensations. I send you my support ❤️

 

How are you feeling with your taper currently ? Do you feel like the drops are helping you ?

Thinking of you ☀️🌼

 

 

[Erell]

Oh greatful, I didn't realise you were currently grieving. I'm so sorry, we're here if you need us. 
I send you much love and my warmest virtual hug. You are always so kind and supportive to others. Please share some of that compassion with yourself : whatever you are feeling right now, you have the right to feel it ❤️

It is perfectly understandable to feel phobic in the throws of WD, it will pass, I do believe it ☀️

[Ariel]

@Greatful

 

On 4/23/2022 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

Do you think I need to watch what I eat more for my burnt mouth and awful sensitive gums ........Last night they flared up, I looked in the mirror and my gums were swollen and my tongue is losing it's pinkness

 

Do you eat sugar? processed foods? grains?

 

My dental health declined in the first few years of withdrawal. For the first time I became plagued by uncomfortable sensitivities and novel unpleasant sensations. My gums were not happy and my teeth were giving off warning signs.

I have found that eliminating sugar decisively improved my dental health, incl. sensitive gums, tongue, palate. The difference has been transformative. Cutting out processed foods and grains, as well as other foods known to cause/increase inflammation (e.g. soy, peanuts, dairy, etc.) has also helped immensely. I believe that anti-inflammatory, whole foods eating benefits all our systems and promotes healing. I feel the positive effects day to day. 

Bone broth is brilliant, it is one of my best friends in withdrawal. Easy to digest, healing for the gut (and brain and whole body), nutritious. It has become a staple of my diet and contributes to the improvement of my dental health. I read somewhere that it can even help remineralize teeth, strengthening enamel and thereby potentially increasing natural resilience to decay; I don't know whether that's true, but it's an attractive proposition indeed. 

 

What kind of toothbrush do you use? 

 

Sending you a hug

 

 

[Knosretep]

Hi @Greatful

 

I'm glad you can laugh at your symptoms, such an amazing attitude despite such hardship.  I don't know if you know this, but there was a song written about you that I hope can bring you some laughter at such a difficult time: 

 

 

I hope you get though this coming weekend and find peace and healing in the coming months ahead so that you can get back to Lunch Lady Land soon!

[siderale]

Just dropping by to say that I am thinking of you, @Greatful, I'm so sorry you have to put up with all these symptoms. I hope your week and the coming weekend will flow by as easily as they can. I'm sending much love your way! I hope your gums feel less sensitive too, Erell suggested gargling and it can really help, multiple "recipes" for soothing exist with this technique 🙏

[Ariel]

Hi @Greatful

Just a little note to say I'm thinking of you and sending you a hug.

Holding space for whatever it is you may be experiencing this week as you move through the days, and with the upcoming funeral on Saturday. I will say a prayer for you and your family. 

You are so very lovely and I'm sorry for the heavy burden you carry right now. I wish there were something I could do to help lift some weight off your shoulders. You are not alone, you are such a vital part of the SA community and I know I am not the only one who is so very grateful for your unique presence in the world.

Wishing you peaceful moments amidst it all,

A.  

[Greatful]

@Ariel  Thanks so much for the encouragement and kind words.. I am so waiting for this weekend to be over......I had a okay morning, nothing to write home about lol but some positivity.  Hoping to stop any spiral and stay focused on calm lol. 

 I have to comment of this you said in another thread  

 

"YES. It's a marathon and a sprint... underwater! " 

 

I don't know if you meant it this way but it made me think of me when I am feeling like I am being held tight grip by  a very uncomfortable wave of WD panic or that I am swimming up stream and panicking.....Drowning in the overwhelming emotions-anxiety-brain and body panic. lol

♥️

 

 

[Mia1]

19 hours ago, Greatful said:

I am so waiting for this weekend to be over

My thoughts and prayers are with you 💖

[Believer]

Hi @Grateful

 

Know I am thinking about you today, and saying a prayer of peace over you. ❤️

[Ariel]

Thinking of you <3 

 

[Greatful]

@siderale Thank you for stopping by and for your support. Congratulations on your success getting off Lexapro.......Was it just last summer we were in the throughs off WD trying to stay afloat.......You did it- I hope to be right behind you some day soon.

 

@Erell Thank you for your support and  suggesting coconut oil--I am trying it-not so good about everyday--Some how it is so easy to get lazy-even if it just getting up to put a small amount of oil in my mouth and switching for a little while.  Even if it doesn't take care of the sensitive gums I think it is a good for the gums/mouth. lol

 

@Believer@Mia1@Knosretep @Heath Thank you for thinking of me and supporting me.  It has been rough few months with the loss of my brother and father in December and going through WD, trauma, grief and WD at the same time is a lot..

 

@Ariel  Thank you for your support

 

On 4/25/2022 at 5:26 AM, Ariel said:

Do you eat sugar? processed foods? grains?

 

 Let's see---to look at my diet lol  

I don't eat much as far a sweets go ( I sure did before WD--lol) I lost so much of my appetite and lost so much weight.....I did try and cut other things out of my diet which lead me to not having much to eat---So with horrible nausea-lack of appetite at times I try to eat what I can eat lol... I was going to try bone broth but now I am nervous with the feed back you got from KLP on your thread.......So sad that we have to worry about what could have caused this or that----Could it just be a natural wave-or what I ate( salt-processed-histamine food-sugar- grains-dairy etc)  or stress--

 

I will do a update here soon........

 

[Ariel]

Sending you a hug @Greatful

Go gently <3

[Sunflower414]

Thinking of you @Greatful & sending prayers 

[Ariel]

Sending hugs your way, @Greatful

 

[Greatful]

@Ariel@Sunflower414  Thanks guys for thinking of me♥️Knowing that people care and are taking the energy to reach out- when they are finding it hard to have enough energy to take care of themselves is heart warming.. It's funny sometimes it is also helpful to yourself when you can be there for someone else. Then sometimes you can't hardly be positive and filled with frustration and anger with all this and you don't want to have anything to do with it...lol  up and down-round and round the emotions go.....

 

I am laying a little low- checking  in here and there--I am getting outside and trying to stay in my world around me-  trying to find some old normalcy--lol  not all Withdrawal focused---

That being said I did a cut on Monday May 2--It's been going okay--some ups and downs--I can tell me brain is trying to figure it out--

I am getting more grounded- connect to me---I actually am finding interest in things again- working in my flower/rock garden-planting flower baskets- walking again- yard work--last weekend I was hauling wood and stacking wood--it felt so good to be able to do some physical work---Sadly I feel closer to me but still not all the way right-- and I do have to take breaks and rest I also am finding that I am can enjoy what I am doing more--all these years on ssri I must have been over stimulated because I a lot of the time I was  like the energizer bunny-hurry- thinking of the next project/thing of what I  could do after I was done-The urgency is becoming less intense---

I am able to socialize a little more- not for long- the brain still is not all there lol

My paranioa is not as strong--yeah- there is hope-- But I still cycle through 

ups and downs- brain disconnect---but over all I think it is going okay--I have to try stay away from the monkey brain--negativity--oh boy -I feel a little down- that means the nightmare is going to get worse--oh boy the brain panic is coming back and I want to rip at my head--it's here to stay---Then I have to tell myself this will pass ( my hubby is good for this saying) sometimes I will say what is going on with me and when he doesn't comment I jokingly say-

your suppose to tell me this will pass

 

Can anyone relate to horrible memory issues--my gosh--my memory is so spotty--bits and pieces--I hope it is just the brain not connecting right--I can hardly remember raising my kids- ask me what I did 2 days ago- I might remember something big but the rest is either gone or foggy...

 

 So I guess in a nutshell- certainly not feeling worse-maybe even a little better♥️

Edited May 13, 2022 by Greatful

[Ariel]

Hi there @Greatful

It is lovely to read you, thanks for writing an update. I am buoyed by news of your being and doing.

 

Glad your most recent cut is going okay. Happy you are not feeling worse and hopeful at your "maybe even a little better".

(I know sometimes it can be hard to tell; and sometimes it can feel like tempting fate to even dare think such thoughts of improvement.)

 

14 minutes ago, Greatful said:

I am laying a little low- checking  in here and there--I am getting outside and trying to stay in my world around me-  trying to find some old normalcy--lol  not all Withdrawal focused---

 

This is all encouraging and inspiring to hear, dear Greatful.

I am very impressed with your physical performance doing yard work, hauling and stacking wood! Wow. 

 

Thanks again for posting.

I hold you in my heart and prayers and send healing vibes your way xx

 

[Sunflower414]

Hi @Greatful I'm glad you're doing a little better! I saw somewhere you posted that you are Finnish??? So am I! Sisu!!!!!!

[Ninabird]

@Grateful Hello! I’ve followed your thread for a short while and I’m so happy to hear that progress is happening. To get back the little things we once lived to do turn into BIG things, don’t they? 

I’ve been going through similar WD symptoms but not as extreme as you. This is THE most difficult time in my life. Everyday is a challenge but I embrace, accept and push on. 
Three days ago I switched from tablets to liquid Lexapro. The transition has been a little scary in respect that it’s causing new symptoms and those new symptoms cause me to go visit my monkey brain…. “ I must be getting worse… I’m going to fall apart….this will never end…” you know the drill. What saves me is at the end of the day, I look at what I’ve accomplished. I got up, got ready, fed dogs, walked dogs, worked, spent time in my yard, house work, read, laughed…. I pushed through another day. A day filled w WD symptoms but it didn’t stop me. 
I wonder often if I just took a month or two off and did nothing but rest if I’d be further along in my journey? I’m on my own. My son is 22 and in school. I only have myself for financial support. So, no time off for me. That’s ok… I wouldn’t know what to do w myself anyways. Lol

 

im trying not to be on this site everyday. I don’t want to become obsessed with my WD. I too would rather be in the world breathing life in and enjoying it regardless of how my head or body is feeling. 
 

enjoy your time in your garden. Sending you prayers and positivity. 
 

[Escitalopram21]

4 hours ago, Greatful said:

all these years on ssri I must have been over stimulated because I a lot of the time I was  like the energizer bunny-hurry- thinking of the next project/thing of what I  could do after I was done-The urgency is becoming less intense---

Wow did not know any of this.
Now I have a new thing to try and make sense of. Because i was the same, i have always had only two switches onnnnn or off. Haha fun it is to keep trying to make sense of stuff. 
 

But hey, it REALLY makes me happy reading that your paranoias are better 🥳🥳🥳 so happy for you Grateful ❤️

[Erell]

"The urgency is becoming less intense"

This sentence gave me shivers ❤️ 
 

I know how challenging the days still are, but reading you it feels like some of the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place and your nervous system is working hard to reorganise it all. 
You are safe, you can handle this ☀️

 

I can totally relate to memory issues, in the short and long term. And sometimes even memories that come back in a totally incongruous way. I have the impression that our brains have a monumental job of "reorganisation" to do, that some things have to be left aside for the moment, that others have to come up.
This process is made of so much uncertainty and patience that it is sometimes hard to keep trusting it. And yet, people do heal, and yet our brains know their job. 
As those who have gone before us on this path say, one day this will only be a distant memory. ☀️

[Oaktree1]

On 5/13/2022 at 4:20 PM, Greatful said:

I am getting more grounded- connect to me---I actually am finding interest in things again- working in my flower/rock garden-planting flower baskets- walking again- yard work--last weekend I was hauling wood and stacking wood--it felt so good to be able to do some physical work---Sadly I feel closer to me but still not all the way right-- and I do have to take breaks and rest I also am finding that I am can enjoy what I am doing more-

 

@Greatful

 

Just to write that I am happy that there seem to have been some real improvements in your withdrawal situation.  I hope you can keep doing whatever you need to be doing to continue the good work - being able to do yard work - whew - and being able to take rest a too and just enjoy the moment.  And you can socialise a little bit more too..  Fingers crossed that with some bumps thing will continue to improve.

 

Oaktree 🌸
 

[Greatful]

@Erell

On 5/20/2022 at 4:42 AM, Erell said:

I can totally relate to memory issues, in the short and long term. And sometimes even memories that come back in a totally incongruous way. 

oh my gosh--was I that dulled from years on the meds- the other day I was riding in the car with my hubby-- had a quick flashback of when we dating--the feelings and how awe struck I was with him--Wow where did that come from--I hope as go down more on my meds-deep feeling will return lol--I have to say I have been having more emotional connection with deeper feelings/memories-some are so clear and I feel like I am there again...Yesterday I was on my porch swing and I had almost clear memory of how I felt before drugs--I was a kind-caring person with a warm heart-- It almost can bring tears to my eyes..  The drugs slowly turned me into a distant-frustrated-and crabby person....It's funny that the memories from pre-drug are becoming more stronger---sadly right now I have a hard time remembering raising my family..  I hope as the brain straightens from out from WD and less meds-- all things will be clearer.

 

@Oaktree1

Hey why did you talk about bumps LOL  I hit one---Slid into some depression for a few days not to mention up anxiety- brain disconnect-buzzing and the need to rip it out and ear sensitivity--I want to rip them out too lol- weak and fatigue and of course with the brain disconnect the paranioa/fear rises-  Why do we fear things--I know they are unfounded but the brain says--fear-fear--

then the despair and hopelessness tries to fight it's way back in....You will never heal--you are sick---

Tring to remind myself that you have been here before and quit believing your brain when it tells you this garbage....

I can say that with each cut- I became more grounded and clearer in the brain-

I hope it keeps heading in that direction...

 

@Ninabird

Thank you so much for stopping by.  I read your into--Your brain and mine could be sisters--it has to be the Lexapro--I've had brain buzzing-tingling-squeezing-numb-burning/or freezing-crushing in on top-brain panic-  brain disconnect for a year now--I started the lex last April-- as I go down on the Lexapro- it's slowly coming down too---but now I get areas sometimes in the back of my brain-sometimes on top and now it is starting in on the forehead where it gets like it is frying or sizzling and I have the urge to rip at it--Like a big sore that is healing--Drives me crazy--It's like there is a string attached to the  brain and the sensation goes down my arms-and sometimes my legs..

 

How are you doing?

[Ninabird]

@Grateful

 

Hello my friend. 

 

I am doing alright. Altostrata has me slowly spacing out the Duoloxetine from the time I take the lexapro. She feels it may be a contributor to the afternoon build up of symptoms. My poor brain. I tried to go to liquid Lex for when I resume the taper and my system didn't do so well so I am now back on the pill form and adjusting to that change. Now increasing the Duo every hour until I am at 12pm (which will be Monday). There are times when I pat my head and I tell my brain how sorry I am for all of the pain it's going through. I know it sounds silly but I mean it. 

 

I am doing alright. I had a few moments today of NO ear ringing. I was on a walk with the dogs and I stopped mid-stride and noticed it. I wanted to cheer right then and there but I am fairly new to my neighborhood. I don't want the neighbors to think I am strange. lol

Ears are back to ringing. I really want to start resuming the Lex taper. I am down to 10mg. I will di the Brass Monkey slide. I am all for more gentle. Could care less if it takes longer if it means less pain.

 

I went to our farmers market today. I LOVE the farmers market in my town We grow so much in the Central Valley. Nuts,fruits, berries and tons of veggies. I also visited my favorite French Yogurt stand. It is all natural and has probiotics in it. They have all sorts of flavors. Today I bought the mixed berry, guava, lemon, and strawberry. I also grabbed a container of their homemade granola. 

 

You were talking about weird memories coming back. Me too! I have the weirdest memories show up. Some are from over 30 years ago (I am 52) and I think, "what in the heck.....where did that come from?" and it is so vivid! These drugs do the darnedest things to your brain. 

 

I hope you have a calm, peaceful and window-filled holiday. Stay safe and blessed.

 

Ninabird

[Ninabird]

Today is my favorite day of the week.....Farmers market day! I love getting up early to cruise the 4 blocks of fresh, local produce, crafts, fresh food, nuts....etc. Today was breezy and warm. The smell of bq and strawberries in the air. People smiling and going through bins of apricots, peaches, pluots. Kids on parents shoulders. The flower guy chatting with customers while wrapping their goods w newspaper. I was extra focused on being mindful today. While I was not in a window I was in a...."moment." A moment where I refused to let the way I FEEL rob me of one of my favorite Saturday stops and do you know what? It didn't. 

 

I am not saying that it's easy everyday because that is far from the truth. Some days all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs for this pain to end. Over time I have learned to accept where I am and to be ok with not knowing where I will be in my recovery tomorrow. This has taken daily practice. I hope and pray when it's time to resume my Lexapro taper (using the brass monkey slide) I still have the same mentality. I have fought so hard to keep this life of mine.

 

Peace and love to everyone today.