LunaLex: Lexapro Crash after unsupervised taper

[LunaLex]

I am sorry if I seem too negative. Im trying very hard to be positive. I am eating some pho, from a place I went when things were good and I am able to enjoy the flavour and not feel sick. Today I could smile and laugh and enjoy some things and I am greatful for that. 

 

I feel as if all I do is whine in my thread and fill it with fear and put off others. I am sorry to anyone I do this to. I am more than a little scared and venting into here to take some pressure off those in my life. I am looking for hope, when I am currently in a very dark place and scared the light is a year away. Not because of my own mental health, I will cope. But for my relationships. 

 

If anyone ever wants to talk a little, about anything, even to vent themselves or distract ourselves or tell me a story about your day PLEASE feel welcome. 

[Blossom71]

Oh @TentacleFinn

Don't worry about being negative. This is a safe space to rant about the crappy situation you're in, alongside people who understand x

 

 

[LunaLex]

@Blossom71 Oh thank you so much. That made me cry. It is so hard. I want to be positive, because I want to connect with others and be hopeful and be a positive impact so they come back, because I feel very alone surrounded by family and friends who return my fear with fear. 

 

I keep reaching for external hope because mine is lacking. I know people would not be here if everything went well, but so many rapid taper or CT success stories say the worst of it was a year and this current daily acute stage I stumbled into is at least six months.  At six months those may bring reprieve, but at five weeks another five months sounds like a lifetime. 

 

I was on setraline once, years ago! I hope your taper is going okay. 

[Blossom71]

23 minutes ago, TentacleFinn said:

Oh thank you so much. That made me cry.

Oh bless you .  I wish I could give you a hug as I can feel the sadness 😟

 

25 minutes ago, TentacleFinn said:

I know people would not be here if everything went well, but so many rapid taper or CT success stories say the worst of it was a year and this current daily acute stage I stumbled into is at least six months.  At six months those may bring reprieve, but at five weeks another five months sounds like a lifetime. 

Just remember that there will be other people who had a rough time here with rapid tapers and CT who healed quickly and went running off into the sunset.  I know the 'not knowing' how long healing will take can be torturous, but all our individual stories won't be the same.  I'm not sure why that gives me some comfort,  but just feeling that maybe i might buck the trend and heal sooner keeps me going. 

 

You're not alone here x

[getofflex]

4 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

I saw a new doctor today, the fourth one now to try and explain. He listened and gave me a liquid prescription. He also pushed me to consider taking the Temazepam and argued theyre fine in the short term.

I don't agree with your doctor that "they are fine in the short term".  Did he define short term?  People get hooked on benzos with daily use after only 2 weeks.  We might also become dependent on them from periodic use, so be super careful with them.  

 

Here is our benzo forum.  

 

Benzo Tapering and Recovery

 

4 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

Is there a way - maybe every third day - to engage with this safely?

I don't know.  I'll refer you to our benzo expert @Frogie.  

 

4 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

Realizing I may be in for years and that doctors cant save me is terrifying. 

Yes, it is very scary when we realize that the health care system is not the safety net we were led to believe it was.  That is why we have this site.  Please be assured - even if it takes years, the acute withdrawal you have now will not take years.  This is the worst part now - you will slowly and gradually feel better in waves and windows.  I've been at this for years, but most days, I feel OK, and am able to live a somewhat normal life.  

 

4 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

I am already doing much better this week at five days in, when I sleep,  and part of me KNOWS this. Today was okay! My symptoms in the evening or after sleep average a 4~6 now instead of an 8! I am scared I will be unlucky and not stabilize on reinstatement. 

This is really good!  If you are already seeing this improvement, it shows the reinstatement is helping!  Let's see how you are on April 23, and we can try a small updose if it continues to go OK.  That may help you even more.  

 

4 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

You seem in your thread to have approached this with grace and patience from point one. How did you do this? How long before the average day felt "moderate" and not "severe"? I know everyone is different, but a lot of success stories spell a year of acute struggles! 

 

And how did you deal in your darkest days with not letting it impact your relationships? When every day is surviving and every symptom fills your head. 

Honestly, though my faith in the Lord, and by leaning on Him and His strength.  Check out my profile, in "About Me" I talk about it there.  

 

I can't say there was one particular day where I went from severe to moderate.  And, it has impacted my relationships.  It is hard on people around us.  In my darkest days, I spent the day just sitting on my back porch watching the birds, or sitting in a coffee shop, or else when I was too restless I would keep myself busy with mindless busy work, such as house cleaning, gardening, sewing, etc.  

Edited April 20, 2022 by getofflex

[LunaLex]

@getofflex

I was just writing this to you when your post popped up and made me teary with greatfullness. 

 

I wanted to especially apologise and thank you. You have been nothing but patient with me. You have provided me a lot of words of support and links to look through. I have returned with a lot of fear. I know that is draining, as an unpaid helper and probably very circular when you offer these suggestions and I come back with panic. 

 

Especially when I say I am doing better. It must seem false. Maybe it is! I hope not. Unfortunately the better hours are spent trying to embrace productivity and the worse ones are looking at hope here.

 

I appreciate it so much. I really do. I know I ask you a lot of questions. 

 

I have been looking at your links and trying to internalise them. I know as things get less hard they will be invaluable, learning to accept and float and be patient. 

 

I will respond to your post later. I just wanted to let you know. 

[getofflex]

Not to worry.  I have been where you are, withdrawal from these terrible drugs is nothing short of brutal.  And, almost no one out there understand, which makes this very isolating for us.  I do believe you when you say you are doing better.  You have a good perspective, and it's good that you are seeing the improvement.  Try to focus on that.  It's what I do when I have a bad day.  

[LunaLex]

I want to preface this by saying I know adding things on to the stack is never ADVISED. I know it can make things harder. I also know some people are lucky and can take PRN things for sleep and not be affected. 

 

How does one distinguish from cortisol and sensitised nervous system reactions?

 

Last night at 5am I took 10mg of Temazepam due to being unable to fall asleep. The previous time I took it I felt no adverse feelings, no depression etc and got some sleep and came out more positive. I Intended to use it just to make it through one more good night, hoping for 8 hours, and to use that sleep to bolster my emotional state to cope for this week, as I have been struggling with the insomnia and nothing has helped.  Then stay off it till at least next week. 

 

I felt like I dozed off at 6am and felt calm for once.  I woke at 7 am abruptly, shaking. I have black out blinds and took melatonin last night after midnight. I have been sitting out in my loungeroom for a few hours shivering and tense, but also still feeling sleepy and emotionally calm. 

 

It FEELS like other cortisol rushes, but I had an antihistamine do this to me previously after some good nights. 

 

Do I assume its turned on me already on third use? 

The doctor has advised me the days on end of 0 sleep is concerning to my health,  but I dont want to jump on a sleeping pill carousel so I was hoping to stick with temazepam in the short term. I understand the dependence risk, I just wanted to sleep twice a week till I stabilize. 

[LunaLex]

Sorry, that can be removed. I worried since it was on wakeup but realised on looking at my symptom tracker I have been having the shaking more or less intensely every day since the 15th during the day, it just hasnt been this intense or woken me up recently. Since it started on the 15th (day before RI) morning I think it may be intense cortisol reaction and not a lexapro sideffect which was another worry. I wish I journaled before then so I knew if it happened prior weeks and could reassure myself it is not Lexapro. 

 

It has however been going for hours today. I dont even feel anxious mentally. I don't know how to distinguish what it is to try and stop it (cortisol, Lexapro, Temazepam) in a good way. It is rather hard to type while it is happening and physical things are hard to distract from.

[LunaLex]

20|4 continued

4pm at the doctor, feeling a little more awake, zaps and burning stopped.

5:30pm Eating 1|2 muffins now. tension in back, tensiom and zaps in head. Mood dipping, anxiety increasing. Wave of tiredness.

6pm 2.5mg Lexapro Dizzy as I stand up to take meds. Worried this weeks window is worse than last.

7:30pm Was feeling tired but good so decided to go to Pub Trivia, as being out has previously helped. Tram and Train later, big dizzyness, nausea, intense scent sensitivity and moderate anxiety.

8:00 recovered as soon as I got outside, felt much calmer the whole trip home, struggling with intrusive thoughts.Mood okay. 

21:00 or 2130 start eating, appetite low and mild dizzy.

Midnight. First night this week where I feel more anxious than during the day. Heart pounding and big dizzyness, feeling kinda faint. still trying to finish dinner.

1am wave builds. Bad dark thoughts of catastrophizing and hopeless end it all feelings. Cry a lot and stomp and grieve and curse.

2 Feel better and calm. play with cat and have shower. take 1mg forgotten melatonin and try to unwind properly.

4am In bed, not falling asleep. Calm, no panic.

5am 10mg temazepam

6am sleep

 

21|4

7am wake nausea and shivering, unsure if cortisol rush or temazepam.

830 still shivering, have not dozed back off.

930 am shivering subsides, sit in sun, sleepy and eyes shutting

10am Lay down in spare room , reading forums. Close eyes, shaking restarts.

1150 still shaking on and off. Feels internal now mostly, like my skin is vibrating. Very very uncomfortable. Very sleepy from benzo. Hoping the shaking ends so I can nap.

1230 Intensified shakes. Drinking liquid breakfast.

1330 long warm shower helped shaking stop. dozing in shower. 

2pm Nausea sudden onset.Still feeling tense, heart pounding, under skin feels a bit vibratey. Bone achingly tired. 

[Ariel]

@TentacleFinn sending you a hug

so sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now.

thinking of you xx

[LunaLex]

Hugs to you too, @ArielIt is one of those things when while we are in it, it is like oh i cant handle this, this is unbearable But each new phase has brought that feeling.

 

Last week my sleep was fragmented and I thought that was horrific. I was not falling asleep till 8am, I would sleep in two hour bursts till 6pm, I would get 6~8 hours though If I took Doxylamine! I had no cortisol issues, no raised anxiety at day and I would fall asleep reading on my phone in bed. Sleep hygiene? Who is she? But I had emotional pain that had me sobbing for hours on end. I thought I would collapse under the weight of my feelings. 

 

Then since friday sleep will not come, no matter what I do to entice it. Melatonin, sleep hygeine, progressive muscle relaxation, all down the list. Apparently, now even if I try and knock myself out. I get to that lovely heavy body phase where ones mind begins to turn thoughts into images and then a single strand of hair touches my cheek and I am conscious again. 

 

I have always been very particular about how i fell asleep- cold, dark, white noise, only in my own bed, pillow between knees etc etc- since I was a toddler. But I always got 7-16 hours even if i was on my laptop in bed.  My escape and joy was always sleep, it was my favourite thing. 

 

Now I curse last week Finn. A little crying is nothing, she knew not what she had! At least you can distract yourself when youre not exhausted!! But I know, in the moment it was unbearable.

 

And yet, as with last week I will make it through somehow I hope.  And really, while I have less high ups than last week, on average my days are much more.. average? They just feel worse because I am VERY sensitive to not sleeping and it has always been my biggest anxiety. Being stuck alone with my anxious thoughts all day and night is a special hell. 

[LunaLex]

My special compound solution cough medicine cherry. The thick white kind. It makes me feel five again

[Ariel]

@TentacleFinn

I hear you. There is a phase of withdrawal where there can be dramatic changes from week to week, day to day, even hour by hour sometimes. It's a wilderness to move through for sure. And you are moving through it, one moment at a time; and you will move through it. 

 

1 hour ago, TentacleFinn said:

It is one of those things when while we are in it, it is like oh i cant handle this, this is unbearable

 

1 hour ago, TentacleFinn said:

And yet, as with last week I will make it through somehow I hope.

 

Yes, you will make it through. You are making it through. 

It's one of those things, from the inside it feels like chaos; and from the outside it looks like courage. That's what I see: how brave you are. 

[Ariel]

On more of a nitty-gritty practical note, I'd like to share a few surprising things I've discovered that sometimes help me drift off. With all due respect for your self-knowledge and trusting that you have tried everything in the book, and you're probably already familiar with the following... indulge me? It feels so good to share. 

There have been times when I simply could. not. fall. asleep. no matter what I tried. At some point I discovered, by accident really, that it was possible for me to drift off in a seated or semi-seated position. Propped up comfortably in bed, I'd start to get very sleepy and doze off... If I went to lie down, hoping for "proper" sleep, my body would wake up again. (I can only speculate as to why this is, will save any zany theorizing for another time. No wait I can't help myself! Suffice it to say: hardwired biological safety mechanisms.) What I learned from this is:

 

a) if I'm comfortable and relaxed and sleepy and dozing off in a seated/lounging position, just go with it (don't rock the boat!);

 

b) I tried to stop thinking about "proper" sleep or anything that I previously knew/recognized/longed for as Sleep, and instead I tried thinking about rest. It was a sort of acceptance process and letting go, I guess, now that I think about it. I shifted my focus to resting and exploring how I might facilitate and embrace rest, even and especially if that rest looked different that I imagined/wished it would. This helped me release attachment and associated tension around ideas of sleep. (Disclaimer: my sleep is still far from "ideal", but I feel a lot less stressed about it, in fact most of the time it's okay that it is how it is; but I'm also cognizant of the fact that currently the insomnia situation as you describe is extreme, and I'm not comparing.);

 

c) even though looking at screens was not consciously interfering with my sleep, i.e. i didn't feel more awake or less sleepy, I found doing something else helpful. I tried turning off screens and blocking off light and listening to audiobooks or podcasts. Not listening intently like I was concentrating, but sorta letting the voice(s) drone on, white-noise style. Sometimes this helped me drift off. If I turned off the sound I'd wake right back up. This made me think of those moments from childhood, when you're a kid in a safe space and there are other people/creatures in the household (wherever you live) milling about after you've gone to bed, and it's so cozy to sense all that familiar life in the background (just enough to be audible but not enough to disturb). A kind of white noise, I suppose. 

 

d) food matters. Still today if I eat something that is not "greenlit", it affects my sleep. Maybe something to play around with? Even if you're one of the lucky ones whose digestion is not negatively impacted by withdrawal, we are all affected by what we eat. My gut activity is very obviously influential to how I sleep, both quality and quantity; and I believe that this is true of everyone, incl. those who do not consciously register indigestion or "gut issues". Even if there is no detectable active problem, that still does not preclude the possibility of improvement via dietary changes and functional nutrition.

 

e) I had a few good experiences alternating sauna and cold plunge (this was prior to the pandemic, before the saunas closed). Afterwards I'd sleep like a rock for a few hours straight. Don't know if sauna visits are accessible to you, but a very cold shower/bath is always an option. 

 

f) (I've gotten a bit off track but will include this anyway) At one stage I managed to get a few biodynamic craniosacral therapy treatments. I'm convinced they actually genuinely helped. The practitioner uses super gentle techniques of touch to suggest relaxation and facilitate balancing, somehow communicating with the nervous system on a deep, subconscious level. (Or something -- I have no idea!) It worked for me at the time and was of great support through a very rough patch. This is a very specific modality and I'm not sure how prevalent it is in other parts of the world, it may not be available or accessible in your area; there are of course potential budgetary concerns as well. I don't know whether maybe there are youtube videos for at-home DIY techniques one might try -- I can google around for you if you like.  

 

I may have veered off the sharing path and crashed into a thorny advice thicket, in which case I'm sorry. Scratches on me! If this is annoying, feel free to ignore, as always.

 

Now on to something much more important and more fun -- tell me about your cat? 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

wait, what does this mean? 

 

1 hour ago, TentacleFinn said:

My special compound solution cough medicine cherry. The thick white kind.

 

are you medicating with cough syrup to help you sleep? some cough syrups contain antihistamine which is included to induce drowsiness as well as suppress phlegm, etc. in my experience ingesting over the counter drugs of this kind can backfire and wreak havoc on a sensitized system -- those notorious withdrawal paradoxical reactions.    

 

[getofflex]

12 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

How does one distinguish from cortisol and sensitised nervous system reactions?

I don't know how to distinguish the two.  It's good you are only going to take the temazepam twice a week.  

[LunaLex]

Oh @Ariel, seeing your messages pop up makes me smile. Before we get into the advice and my sleep anxiety a moment of joy: Currently the more occupied I am out of my own head, the better, during an okay physical day. I was terrified to come to Pub Trivia tonight as a friend was going to be there and I havent been able to face anyone since this started as those I  have messaged have been nonunderstanding. 

 

There was 18(!) Teams here, ranging from a minimum of four people up to teams of nine. There was a question where you had to figure out what song name pictures were spelling out and I was THE ONLY PERSON WHO FIGURED IT OUT IN THE WHOLE ROOM! I have been struggling with cognition and worried about sleep affecting my brain. A silly little victory but I got a puzzle over 60+ people did not. 

 

I really appreciate your tips, some of these I haven't stumbled across. 

 

The sitting up.. I have NEVER been able to fall asleep propped up ever in my life, but ai very much think the being prone is leading to the alerting so I need to figure out some way to try this, some spot in my house not quite laying. I will experiment tonight with trying to find a spot as even laying comfortably reclined on the floor just now as i got home made me stressed. 

 

B is really important. And I know it is, because I have increasingly worked myself into an anxiety over my inability to feel safe resting. I need to learn how to rebuild that. I feel more anxiety even arriving back home now due to the associations with withdrawal and sleep stress. My safe space is damaged

 

C Ive never actually been able to sleep with ANY noise but I have been experimenting with Nothing Much Happens and it is the closest I have got to dozing off other than SITTING IN THE SHOWER?? it is very meditative stories in a slow voice with deep breathes included. 

 

D This may be an impact. With no appetite suddenly it is so hard to work out what is upsetting and what is okay. I am trying to aim for more "gentle" dinners. I may try a bone broth on saturday when I am alone. 

 

E I will try a cold shower, I have always done warm but maybe it will help! I know it can help cortisol. 

 

F It is available but Ill have to investigate the cost a little. 

 

Ah I missed some words in there. Some childrens liquid antibiotics and cough medicines here are flavoured a terrible cherry flavour, thick and cloying and that suspension liquid is what the pharmacist chose. 

 

I did make that mistake, a week and a half ago when my sleep began to fracture and I started to have panic attacks in my sleep i took some anti histamines on and off a few days. The last night I took one was the second night of the 71 hour sleepless saga and I had the same intense cortisol shakes for hours last night. Im worried that it may have damaged my system further but I try VERY hard not to believe that as I was having hard nights of panic attacks on laying down and not sleeping at all prior to trying the antihistamine. 

[LunaLex]

19 hours ago, getofflex said:

I don't agree with your doctor that "they are fine in the short term".  Did he define short term?  People get hooked on benzos with daily use after only 2 weeks.  We might also become dependent on them from periodic use, so be super careful with them.  

 

Sorry I didnt address this Lex, not sleeping threw me for a loop. I argued this with him and the danger and he was going on about "for the next few weeks it should be fine, it is only dangerous if you drink or begin to develop a tolerance or PSYCHOLOGICAL RELIANCE on them" and I was too tired to argue about physical reliance. 

 

Maybe Frogie can advise me. Obviously if I can sleep even a little I dont want near them. But I am not sure how many nights would be safe to try in the very short term. 

[LunaLex]

And now some musing, on WD and medication: 

While I was at Trivia I was thinking. I have been on Lexapro since 2016. Gone from 20, to 40, to 20, to 10, to 5, to 2.5 and a crash. 

Around 2017~2018 I spontaneously developed a hypersensitivity to alcohol - 9/10 a single glass of ANYTHING would bury me in migraines and nausea an hour or so later, as if the day after a binge. Sometimes I coukd have 4 drinks and be fine, but more often than not it would set something off. 

 

In 2020 and more so in 2021 I began to struggle with anxiety in a way I hadnt previously. I‘d had anxious times, sure, but mostly about big issues I had been mulling on a while.  Nothing like now, but I would get these obsessive, intrusive thoughts about things that had never bothered me- Finances and the price of groceries. The concept of having a successful life. My weight to the point I was counting calories and checking nutritional info and crying over excersize classes.  These things wouls pop up and consume me for a day, or a week, or a month and then poof. Like I never cared. 

 

In those two years a lot of sensitivities I had got worse. I had always had some  difficulties, with tastes and smells and being upset or sickened by them. The sun had always hurt my eyes and made me frustrated. This suddenly exploded into not being able to leave the house without heavy headphones on and other similar things. 

 

In retrospect to this situation, perhaps this is coincidence. Perhaps my anxieties, unmanaged and no longer buried under medication or anhedonia for life began to rear up in ways I had not equipped myself for due to HORRIFIC coping mechanisms. Perhaps the years of being in lock down exacerbated the tension and my renewed interest in life made things that never mattered matter. But perhaps also, the tapering down from 10~5 and beyond was having an effect I overlooked. Who knows, nobody can, but I like to consider such things that have no harm on my current outlook. 

[LunaLex]

And for Ariel, a long ramble about my cat, my treasured love. Sorry to everyone else for the thumb cramps scrolling!

 

My cat's name is Luna. She has been with me a third of my life now and is probably 11 this year? She was a rescue cat, rescued by my ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend. She passed from her, to him, to me. 

 

When I met Luna at a party, a little skittish kitten, I was warned she hated being picked up and didn't like people. I picked her up and she curled in my arms or lap all night. When I would visit she would follow me back and forth around the house, dutifully guiding me to the bathroom at night and waiting at the door for me. I loved her, so so much. When I moved interstate eventually, the ex left her at my family house.

 

My mum brought her to me and the first few years she would mostly hide and only hang in my study with me. Sometimes she would let the housemates in our previous place pet her, or sit with my partner. We grew together and over the six years in this house, she grew to love other people sometimes too. Some friends she will select to sit on. My partner she LOVES and will jump up whenever he leaves his study and run to see him. 

 

But most of all, she is my baby. She will come up and put her paws on my legs, or yell at me to come to the couch so she can put her paws on my chest, to be picked up over my shoulder for chest cuddles. She trusts me enough to dream in my lap. She still wants to zoom and play every night. She used to be very quiet, due to vocal chord issues she still sounds like a kitten and would only chirrup or purr. Now she has learned to be brave and yell at me for food or to clean her litter or brush her. She lets me kiss her nose before bed every night and will sometimes bite my nose gently when she is happy. 

 

She has had a lot of expensive health issues. I almost lost her twice to surgeries from hairball blockages. She is VERY fluffy and didnt develop well for that. But now she gets fancy wet foods mixed with water and metamucil and is doing very well. Thank god because shaving her was a NIGHTMARE. 

 

She has always known when i am not doing well and lately every time I sit down she will follow me around and sit on or with me. I havent been in a place to appreciate her love, but I am trying. 

 

Do you have pets?

[getofflex]

9 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

6pm 2.5mg Lexapro

Did you mean 0.25 mg Lexapro?  

[LunaLex]

 

Yes!! Sorry Lex my brain is being mush and I keep forgetting words and such but im 90% sure I took 0.25. 

1 hour ago, getofflex said:

Did you mean 0.25 mg Lexapro?  

[Ariel]

Bless you for sharing about Luna. Your account moved me to tears. Knowing that you and Luna have each other restores my faith in the world order.

I did live with a cat... She died when I was about 1.5 years into withdrawal. The timing was atrocious. I was going through some of my roughest months. The concurrence of the cat's sudden illness with my extreme inner experience was the worst. I may have temporarily lost my mind with grief. Something that has bothered me since then is it's been hard for my withdrawal-addled brain to remember the many good years we had together, even when I try to summon up happy memories it can be difficult. The time around her death was so raw -- savage -- that it has been as though her life was overwritten. I have struggled to pierce the neuro-emotive slime encapsulating the beauty, which has in turn bothered me.   

Reading about your kitty helps me connect with the love, affection, intimacy, play, meaning, comfort -- all those yummy aspects I enjoyed when the cat was still here. I cannot thank you enough, it's really healing. I'm so glad Luna adopted you! Feel free to regale me with her/your mutual exploits anytime. 

 

2 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

I was terrified to come to Pub Trivia tonight as a friend was going to be there and I havent been able to face anyone since this started as those I  have messaged have been nonunderstanding. 

 

There was 18(!) Teams here, ranging from a minimum of four people up to teams of nine. There was a question where you had to figure out what song name pictures were spelling out and I was THE ONLY PERSON WHO FIGURED IT OUT IN THE WHOLE ROOM!

 

OK rock star. Whaaat??! I am uh-mazed. Given everything you've been suffering through lately I can't believe you went out and pub trivia-ed with the normies...!!!! That's a super big deal, you are SO BRAVE, my mind is blown. And on top of that you won a round. I have no words, only celebratory dance moves  

I'm really glad you posted about this so that you have a record of it. Now you can look back any time and read proof of your triumph. 

 

I thought of/remembered a g) to add to the list from earlier. Ear plugs. Do you ever use them? I've got the squishy foam kind that you squash and roll btwn your fingers then insert and they sorta poof back out to fill your earholes. I find that sometimes inserting them is very calming. Like, it's not even about the noise really (at least not on a conscious level). I seem to get a physically soothing effect from the fact that my ears are filled. I used to use them more often back when I was having more difficulty, now I keep them by my bed just in case I wake up during the night. It doesn't matter that it might already be quiet enough, no detectable noise; if I'm upset I'll pop them in and it has an almost immediate effect, comparable to something like sucking one's thumb as a kid, or something like that. Dunno if that sounds weird. At one point I bought several pairs and kept a pair with me always -- in my jacket pocket, in my backpack, by my bed. Very helpful in all different kinds of situations. Sometimes I will keep the radio/podcast/audiobook, put the ear plugs in, make myself comfortable, and rest.

 

Oh, and about c) the audiobook/podcast listening (btw I tried Nothing Much Happens, too), for me what's key is to try to pay attention. Like, I try to actually listen and follow what's being said. I'm not putting it on and trying to fall asleep. I think i wrote something contradictory in my previous post, I'm sorry for the confusion. What I meant by not listening intently and concentrating (I think) is it's important not to strain or tense up or try so hard you stress out into alertness. But at the same time try to follow the narrative while also letting your thoughts wander. Sorry if this is sounding vague, lemme know if it doesn't make sense. (Same principle with a) the dozing off while sitting up bit; I think part of it has to do with not trying to sleep. you just make yourself really comfy and focus on something else and then your body's able to let go on a deeper level, relaxation one can't consciously induce oneself, and that's when it's sometimes possible to drift off... it's a good sign that this happens in the shower sometimes, i think, same idea.)

My most recent audiobook purchase is Hannah Gadsby's memoir, the recording is around 13 hours long, more than enough time for me to fail at paying attention and doze off. 

 

2 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

a moment of joy: Currently the more occupied I am out of my own head, the better, during an okay physical day.

 

Yes, same here. I had a few errands to run today and it was helpful. I managed to shower, get dressed, get out of the house, accomplish a few tasks. Very thankful for the distraction. This afternoon I even registered the occurrence of a thought/emotion: I want to live, I want and deserve a good life.  The thought's gone now, and I feel grateful that it occurred at all -- like a tiny one-thought window -- and that I was able to notice it in the moment. 

 

Signing off, feeling grateful for our exchanges. Take care, TentacleFinn, happy healing <3 

 

[LunaLex]

24 Hour Checkin 

 

21|4 Continued

2pm Nausea. 

4pm english muffins and plant protein drink. Picked up liquid.

6pm New pharmacy liquid 0.25mg, ate chips and a bun. 

8pm Walked to Trivia, had a good night and fun.  Some DP, cogfog and memory issues. 

12am 1mg melatonin and dinner. Red onion causes burning chest??

2am Had a good day. Licorice and peppermint tea and small ginger biscuit. Very dizzy, symptoms of being over tired like chest thumping and faintness, chest tight, waves of floaty lightheadness.

2:30am disagreement with partner while prepping for bed. Little teary, quite shaky and tense after. No hysterics!!

4am Finally calmed down. Bed. Dozing in and out, small jerks. May be getting some rest!!

 

22|4

5:30am Cortisol coming in hard, Dizzy, cold scalp, heart racing, bad sweats, jittering but not full shakin, instant high emotional anxiety. Gonna try to rest more anyway.

830am Trying to breathe and rest. Despair over cortisol.  Scalp is better, all else same.

11am Unsure if I slept but I FEEL mildly rested! No appetite, mild nausea, slight chills, mildly worse mood, moderate anxiety. Frustrated. 

3pm Reading SA all day and ruminating but mood is okay. Dizziness when moving. Nausea, appetite and chills better. Eating quick oats with half an apple.

 

Hoping for enough energy today to try the "gentle" yoga class at the gym tonight, or be the one to cook dinner. Also trying not to push myself as I have been overdoing that and crashing into waves.

This sudden onset extreme Cortisol sensitivity every single day in week 5 is frustrating me and I am confused as to whether it is from reinstating or a late onset symptom.  Hoping that soon I can start pushing my medication back slowly, as the yoga classes are at 6 (so would have to take it at 5:30 if I go tonight) and it also suits my memory better to take around midday.

Wishing for at least a little window for everyone today. 👾

[getofflex]

7 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

8pm Walked to Trivia, had a good night and fun.

 

7 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

2am Had a good day

 

7 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

4am Finally calmed down. Bed. Dozing in and out, small jerks. May be getting some rest!!

I definitely hear improvement in your situation!  

 

What do you think of the idea I presented to you of gradually shifting your schedule to try and go to bed earlier?  This way, you would have more opportunity to rest/sleep before the cortisol kicks in in the morning.  Also how to you feel about a walk outside during the day? 

7 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

This sudden onset extreme Cortisol sensitivity every single day in week 5 is frustrating me and I am confused as to whether it is from reinstating or a late onset symptom.

I feel this is probably from a sensitized nervous system from lots of drugs and drug changes in the past.  I personally believe the reinstatement is helping you.  

 

7 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

Hoping that soon I can start pushing my medication back slowly, as the yoga classes are at 6 (so would have to take it at 5:30 if I go tonight) and it also suits my memory better to take around midday.

You could start pushing your dose back by 1/2 hour to 1 hour each day.  Since SSRI's are activating, it would probably be better for your sleep anyway to take it earlier in the day.  

 

 

[LunaLex]

Hi Lex! 

I do want to try to, I am trying to push to get to bed earlier, ideally at two to start, then midnight.  It is hard, I guess because of the activation I currently feel most awake at night. Also my partner works late, but we will try and work around that. 

 

I hope so, I hope the cortisol will settle as my system calms. 

 

Today was a little weird. Big Depersonalization all evening with brain zaps. Not a problem thankfully as my mood is holding much better. Wonder if the pharmacy liquid is different to mine. Going to see how I feel tomorrow and judge if i need to hold. If we do updose, what would be an ideal amount to try? 0.5?

[getofflex]

I wouldn’t jump up that high.  Lexapro is much stronger than other SSRIs and I believe your system is kindled.  These drugs are especially powerful at low doses and affect a disproportionately large number of receptors at the lower doses.  I would go with 0.35 for your next dose. Wait until April 23.  It is April 22 where I am so it may be April 23 in your area.  

[LunaLex]

If I am kindled what would 0.5 bring? During my forum search I saw that as a common Lexapro reinstatement. 

 

I know slow and low is ideal and to get to WD normal. Currently my symptoms are still not at a bearable level l, especially last night and today since changing to pharmacy liquid.

 

I dont mean to sound like im trying to argue. I had just planned all week with my support system to try 0.5 today (the 23rd) as I thought that still would be low while trying to reclaim ability to function. 

 

I am supposed to take my dose in an hour and want to understand the risks. Thank you so much. 

[LunaLex]

6:30 Took 0.25mg of pharmacy liquid

8pm increasing DP/DR over last hour. Sudden lots of brainzaps and big dizzyness New liquid issue or random?

9pm went to shops, intense dp but coping.

2am 1mg melatonin. eating dinner, low appetite, lots of head pressure in right temple, head feels odd, dp.

 

23|4

4am late bed. Already heart racing on laying down.

5:40am up trying to calm down. Deep Breathing not working. Chills, scalp cold and tight, heart pounding.

640am Jolts when  i try to deep breath. lay on floor by partner spare bed to try and calm. Nausea.

7~1030am Resting, trying to accept and float. phone says some light sleep? unsure.

1030~11, 11~12 Short cycles possible deep sleep.

12~1 Definite sleep, had a dream!

1~230pm back to resting  and dozing.

3pm Sitting in sun on couch. Feel jittery and tight in chest.

4pm Face numb, scalp cold andtingly which hasnt happened during the day in days.

6:20 Wave of negative emotion for first time in days, cry about wanting my life back.

5pm Quite shaky and jittery. Chest is tight. Scalp tingles. Eating now.

[LunaLex]

Took the 0.35, trusting in the advice given and going low and slow, especially today when anxiety is so high. 

 

Still curious though about the 0.5 possible effects because I would really like to consider it if there is no negative effects - maybe on the 28th 

[getofflex]

6 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

f I am kindled what would 0.5 bring?

I cannot predict for sure, but it would put you at risk of making your withdrawal symptoms worse, instead of better.  And once this happens, it could go on for a long time, as in months.  I suggested 0.35, because you've had numerous drug changes and irregular dosing in the past, which probably means your nervous system is extra sensitive.

Please stay on the 0.35 for at least a week (until April 30) before increasing your dose again.  

 

[Blossom71]

Oh @TentacleFinn

It was soooo lovely to read about your Luna. I’m a cat lady with 4 babies who give me a ton of pleasure. They add to my life immeasurably.  1 of my boys was (what the vet thinks was probably) hit by a car a month ago so he’s cage bound with a broken pelvis. He’s getting to the stage of being mightily cheesed of being stuck in the cage so is ‘singing the song of his people’ for a good portion of the day now. Until Weds when he can go back and get X-rayed to see if he can start coming out of his cage. 
 

To give him a change of scenery we’ve now put his cage on the dining table so he can see out into the garden. It’s likely just projecting our human feelings onto him it it makes us all feel better that he has a better view! Even if it means eating dinner off our lap for the next few days 😂

 

I feel for you with such a rough ride you’re having and wish for things to improve for you soon. But in the meantime, we’re here x

[LunaLex]

23/4

6pm Very shaky, lots of scalp tingles, big chills. Took 0.35 mg Lexapro

6:20 Wave of negative emotion for first time in days, cry about wanting my life back.

10pm Long shower and ate, starting to feel less shaky and chills.

1130 Wave of dizzyness and lightheadedness.

12Midnight-Partner is being driven to friend's house for the weekend so I am going also as too scared to be home alone. Chills and shakyness done, just feel quite tense.

130am some snacks. Overwhelmed being here by noise and light, very hard to take part. Anxiety easing.

3am late melatonin 1mg

3:40am calmer and less overwhelmed.

4:30 wave of mild anxiety and derealization suddenly. 

 

24|4

5am In bed trying to sleep.

8am Mild nausea and dizzyness, resting.

10am possibly got some sleep

12midday, shaking a bit, no appetite, mildly dizzy, nausea.

1230pm sat in sun outside for 10. heart racing, laying back down.

130pm Smoothie and wrap. shaking more, low appetite, waves of dizzyness and heart pounding. Feeling very tired.

230pm went to the markets with friends. shaking and nausea done, dizzyness mild. Still tense, big DR. Nice to get out.

430pm back at friends house. Anhedonia and dp|dr making connecting hard. Herbal tea and biscuit.

530pm 0.35mg Lexapro, single tiny sip of mulled wine.

730pm Anhedonia and  DP/DR  moderate. Ate bbq for dinner.

850pm Everyone else drinking and smoking is hard. Anhedonia mild. Had some fun chatting. Able to distract for a while.

12Midnight Missed train home, wave of neuro sadness. Uber home. Stomach cramps.

1:30am DP/DR much less, anhedonia mild, relieved to be home and enjoyed the drive. Small veg, salad and bit of meat, suddenly hungry.

2:30 am Peppermint tea and 1mg melatonin, wind down for bed.

4am bed, 200mg cap of ibuprofen for headache

5am asleep!

 

25|4

Slept pretty well!! 5~8:30, 8:30~12 Real sleep. 12~1:40 lightly.

2pm Heart pounding a bit as I woke and some tension

2:30pm English muffin, yog and banana and muesli, decaf.  No nausea, good appetite.

3pm. A bit tense, no chills or shaking! Unusually fatigued despite sleep. Mild DP and feeling "odd", moderate Anhedonia. Some cogfog.

530pm Took 0.35mg Lexapro. Same still symptom wise, mild dizzy, mild heart thumping

7pm Head pressure and dizzyness and heart thumping up, DP and Anhedonia mild.

9pm Did dishes, enjoyed music and even found self DANCING. Feeling good. 

11:30  Cooking, moderate dizzyness, headache. 

12:30 Eating. Feeling fluish: Headache, swollen glands, mild sore throat and cough.

1am melatonin 1mg

4am heading to bed. Take 200mg ibuprofen cap. Dp and Anhedonia are very mild, mostly feel fluish- may be sick?

6am Struggling to fall asleep, another 200 mg ibuprofen. 

 

26|5

12 Fragmented sleep, slept maybe 2-5 hours.  Woke up to news our apartment is being sold. Anxiety very high, waves of chills and heart pounding.

1pm laying in bed trying not to panic. Chills and no appetite.

2pm Got up to sit on couch. Anxiety high, pulse throbbing in head. Waves of hopelessness. 

[LunaLex]

I wanted to come on here with happy news about yesterday - I got a pretty decent sleep, moderate symptoms and had been feeling good andhad a happy day! But life had other plans. 

 

My apartment is being sold. I am a mess about this news. After a day of feeling a little better and feeling like I was healing, dancing and singing, to find out there will be strangers coming through my house a few times a week.. that we have to try and persistently clean when it is hard to get up and move around some days.. And at the end of it all and most importantly my security is gone.

 

This has been my home for over five years. I love my apartment. The idea that at any point I may be told I have two months to find a place and move my entire life is soul crushing and filling me with hopelessness.

 

How can I heal during this? How can I recover my nervous system and bring down anxiety when I will be constantly waiting for weeks or months to find out if I will be turned out of here? How can I convince my body to not panic and to rest and heal when we are under threat because our safe space is gone?

 

I feel sick and hopeless. I just want security and safety so I can heal. I have no idea how to begin to cope with this. Why does this have to happen NOW of all times. 

 

I am sorry for the bitter update, but i have been handed more than I can handle and I dont know how to accept and float or breathe through this. 

[LunaLex]

I wrote an edit to my previous venting post, of this weekends good news but took too long to post it. 

 

So I am sorry for spam, but it is going here, to try and celebrate small wins and push myself not to give up when everything is at its worst right now. 

 

This starts crunchy but I promise there is a happy ending! Over the long weekend I had planned, before this started, to go to a friend's house a few hours away for the weekend.  I was thinking I would have to reschedule, but I really don't want to lose my life to WD.. also my partner was going and I was scared of being alone :). 

 

It was not the easiest time. I was so overwhelmed when I got there I sat on the floor out of the light a few meters from everyone and could only listen. My symptoms on day two were pretty bad, with high cortisol day into high DP|DR night. I missed my train home and ended up paying a lot of money for an Uber. 

 

My friends were all smoking and drinking and I found that being around people you know well who are acting different due to not being sober is quite hard on DP|DR. My partner kindly abstained. 

 

BUT. I am really proud of myself. I went there and stayed the whole time. I went out with them to a busy, crowded antique market on a hard day and I breathed and never panicked. I sat with them and talked and laughed and put a lot into being normal even while struggling with Dp and DR and anhedonia. I put a lot of energy into trying my hardest to be a good friend in the midst of a very hard time. 

 

And at the end when I missed the train, I cried a little and then I booked a car. Finances are usually a big trigger for my anxiety, but I was able to accept my healing is more important and I felt at peace. 

 

And when I got home I cuddled with my cat and felt relaxed for the first time in week, slept for 8 hours in some good chunks with deep sleep and rather than being punished for pushing myself, yesterday was my second best window yet. I wish it was the best, but still! My symptoms yesterday were a lot lot better to cope with, Only bothered by some dizziness and DP and anhedonia, and later in the day I caught myself dancing and singing while doing the dishes. 

 

I played some games with friends and my partner and was able to engage and enjoy and I even cooked with some help!

 

Just a little bit of a break ans some light in all this