Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

February 16

I tried so hard to recover/heal from my "OCD" "illness", even if my psychiatrist told me that it had no cure and that I had to take Sertraline for the rest of my life. I had hope of improving my life, and that's how I got into antipsychiatry when I realized psychiatry wasn't helping me but making everything worse and blocking me. How can I heal from an illness that doesn't exist? That's why I couldn't. Because it wasn't discovered and diagnosed through medical tests, it was imposed to me, in abnormal circumstances, in an extremely oppresive and alienating environment, arrested in that psychiatric ward. That is what it means to diagnose a medical disease/condition, to discover it through medical tests. But without medical evidence, how can you discover a disease? You can't. You just invent it. Then you can't cure it either. It has no cure because it's not a real illness. I was so confused, misleaded, scammed, lied to, abused. I wasted so much energy and time in this bullsh*t.

I realize how important to me is to have meaning in my life and how much of it I've lost. When I drugged I didn't need to have a deep meaning in my life because I was sedated, numbed, high, apathetic, "happy", disconnected, then when the withdrawal happened my synthetic reality of Sertraline collapsed when my postraumatic reactions and traumatic feelings came back, it such a shock, so confusing, so overwhelming and traumatizing, I was so disoriented, and I needed to have meaning again in my life, answers, a compass.

With Sertraline and psychiatry I lost my inner compass, my personal meaning framework, and I couldn't realize how important it was and it is until now.

Changing of belief system/meaning framework is very difficult, the mind doesn't like to get it changed, it resists, it gives it stability, and for the past 8 years my meaning framework/belief system has been the psychiatric bullsh*t.

Writting all this helps me to change it, to recover and to feel better, more free.

When I was 19 I wanted to overcome my individualism, which is basically unprocessed trauma, so I wanted to overcome my trauma, but I was surrounded by individualistic people and trapped in an individualistic society and culture, just like everyone else is. I rejected what protected me from being victimized in this oppressive relational environment, trying to achieve something better and more humane, for myself, but also for others. The thing is, to overcome/reprocess trauma, you need understanding and validation from others, and you can't get that surrounded by deeply individualistic people, so you can't relax and release stored the postraumatic stress either. Well, that's what happened to me. And I was punished like a criminal too.

Yes, this is the society we live in.

February 16

I'm remembering lots of things these days. Back in 2020, during Covid lockdown, when I interrumped Sertraline (since the last months of 2019), I didn't like how I was feeling. I was feeling overwhelmed, very anxious and stressed. I thought I was going to relapse into my distressing and overwhelming mental and emotional state when I was 19, that I saw as "bad", "dangerous", because of psychiatric indoctrination. I was confused. I didn't even think I was going to relapse into "OCD" because I didn't even know what "OCD" was to begin with, because those stupid doctors and therapists didn't explained to me what it was. What really happened is that my traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions were coming back, that I was in withdrawal, and I couldn't understand it. So I just took Sertraline again in April 2020 and they became less intense, until I stopped taking the pills cold turkey again in the last days of August 2020, and the chemical deception finally came to an end.

Psychiatry and Sertraline deprived me of real passion, curiosity and meaning, and punished me, as if I had commited a crime, a crime of thought, for believing in some better, different, for wanting to get out of the individualistic mindset and overcome my trauma.

There is this false dilema that society put us in, that is called brain or blame: or you accept all responsability and are ashamed and guilt tripped as a person for being less than "perfect", i.e. 100% "functional", productive, like a robot, and rich, for being human, imperfect, "defective", or you get one of these psychiatric labels the tells you that it's not your fault but that you have a faulty brain, doomed forever to be broken, that you're just "mentally ill", even without medical evidence, but it's useful to find emotional relief for some people nonetheless, people that are exhausted, vulnerable, oppressed, desperate...

It's like if there can't be anything else better. As if there is room for improvement, hope.

We are all trapped in these dystopic, deeply individualistic, oppresive and alienating Western societies that makes people SICK and no one seems to notice that it's society the one that is making all of us "mentally ill".

February 16

You have to find a way to channel your anger. The difficult part is finding what to channel it into.

February 16

Yes, I know. I wish there was a clear path, but there isn't. It's there, I just haven't found it yet.

February 16

I'm feeling pretty connected to the present reality at the moment, and it feels overwhelming and unfamiliar. I feel stronger and alive, but also very confused, I don't know what to do anymore. The reality I knew 7-8 years ago is gone, and the reality I experienced when I took Sertraline was in many ways fake, I was suffering a drug induced personality disorder and my emotions were not my real emotions but synthetic emotions, so I was not really connected to reality, but disconnected as I said multiple times. It's scary, but it feels more manageable than before. The memories I created while I was drugged were not real for me because my emotions were fake or chemically altered. During withdrawal I clung for some time to the fake reality that I experienced while being drugged, still being confused and deceived, not knowing yet that I had been living in a synthetic reality. I clung to that reality as much as I could until I couldn't no more under the weight of the present time reality and real emotions. My real emotions, that came back when I stopped Sertraline, bought me back to reality, to the real one, and forced me to start the natural meaning making process again. When I was drugged I didn't care about things that I should have cared about, because I was apathetic towards them, and I've been reprocessing all those things and emotions since the withdrawal started, slowly, even if I didn't notice, it's definitely more noticeable now, overall I feel more relaxed these days, because of that.

February 16

Feeling more connected...

I hardly recognize and understand reality sometimes and even myself.

I think the worst part of all this experience that I've been describing for months now is the coming back of my traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions, those were my real emotions, the problem is that I had been chemically deceived for years, I thought and believed that the trauma was gone, because I couldn't feel it, but it didn't, so when it reconnected with it the moment I stopped Sertraline cold turkey it totally overwhelmed me, I came out of the chemical deception that I was immersed in and it was incredibly shocking, confusing and distressing, it really felt like a retraumazation, the worst thing that can happen to a traumatized person that hasn't reprocessed and heal the trauma, and I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me, and not just me, but anyone, that's why it's been so difficult for me to understand what happened to me, because no one helped me to make sense of all this and I had to do it from the confusion and totally overwhelmed by my traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions, so from a very bad place, unable to cope with all that and much less in a healthy way.

I came back to a traumatic reality that for years I believed it was over, when in fact I was just high and/or numbed, it was like a cruel lie. For too much time I ran away from my traumatic past, from my trauma, that's one of the reasons I took Sertraline for so long too, I wanted to heal my trauma, to be functional, to live better, fully, to connect with others, to have a better life, and I tried to the natural way, trying to understand and give meaning to my difficult, painful, confusing and overwhelming experiences, and trying to find understanding and validation from others, I tried to even when I was involuntarily hospitalized, until the end, but arrested in that place psychiatry deliberately ignored my trauma and didn't give other choice than to take Sertraline to get out of there but also to have some rest from all the postraumatic stress that I had stored and that was mentally and emotionally overwhelming me, causing me so much distress.

Later on I even forgot why I took Sertraline in the first place because of how efective it was doing its job, my personal reason I mean, not what psychiatry said, the psychiatric reason for taking Sertraline was very poorly explained to me, because they didn't care about my feelings and thoughts, and to be honest, I didn't care about none of what psychiatry said either.

While I took Sertraline I was trapped with my trauma but not only I didn't notice it, like if it was invisible for me, and unable to heal it, I thought it was finally over, as I said, this is called medical spellbinding and in some ways it's also the placebo effect, this deception made me feel hopeful, only to realize later that it was all an evil lie.

When I was 19 I really just had a postraumatic crisis, nothing else, and I did my best to cope with it, until psychiatry brutally abused me, delaying my recovery 7 years.

This is the reason why Sertraline and psychiatry was so damaging for me, because it ignored my trauma, deliberately, forced me to disconnect from it, never had the decency to explain to me the logic behind taking the pills, how they worked or for how long would I had to take them, because they didn't give a **** about my opinion and thoughts or feelings, I didn't have informed consent and that was ok for them I guess, so they ***** up, then tried to get me drugged for life telling me that I couldn't recover, and years later protracted withdrawal happens, I wasn't informed of withdrawal risks, only about "rebound effect", and it felt like a retraumatizacion, I lived it like a retraumazation.

Traumatized people shouldn't take these drugs, not like I did at least, because they won't ever be able to overcome the trauma and when the drugs stop working or they stop taking them the traumatic emotions come back and it feels like a ******* retraumatizacion! Which is cruel, careless and stupid.

February 17

After such an emotional chaos, emotional hell and psychiatric mess for 3 and half years (ans prior) I'm back to square one, to equally facing and giving meaning to the trauma, traumatic emotions (overwhelming and traumatic shame, guilt, anxiety, anger, fear, sadness, postraumatic stress, etc, all mixed up in many layers), and postraumatic reactions that I've been running away from all these years one way or another, specially because psychiatry forced me to, not only psychologically, but chemically, even if I really didn't want to take drugs, it forced me to come back to the individualistic mindset that I was trying to overcome in order to heal my trauma, because it was blocking my healing, even if said mentality protracted me and rejecting it could mean being revictimized but you can't just do that trapped in an individualistic society and culture where everyone is indoctrinated in that toxic individualism, it was a risk that I took so I was morally judged as "bad", "dysfunctional", defective", "crazy", as treated as if I had commited a thought crime for believing in something better and different, for wanting something better and different, and for trying to achieve it. The truth is I had a dilema because even if that individualism protected me and was somehow adaptive I needed to get over it because my trauma was overwhelming and making me very difficult to be efective in my studies and "functional", and the only way to overcome the trauma is to receive validation and understanding from others, releasing in the process the stored traumatic stress, because when you connect with others you feel safe and you cant relax, rest, something impossible to do if you're always on your own, disconnected, and unable to connect with anyone, if everyone is judging and fighting each other and divided, like it happens in these individualistic relational environments. So at the end I was never able to overcome my trauma and left that individualistic mentality behind that was making me miserable, and I got stuck with all my unprocessed trauma and stored postraumatic stress, being so disconnected from it because of Sertraline effectiveness that I even thought that I had overcame it. Until withdrawal kicked in and the painful truth and reality became self evident again but so emotionally overwhelming that I was unable to process and understanding it. I just see psychiatry as the modern day inquisition and enforcer of the Western culture and cultural hegemony, individualistic values and capitalistic belief system. All my problems in the mental health system/industry, as with many others, come from this sh*tty individualism that psychiatry and mainstream psychology enforce in the name of "help", because of my trauma being deliberately ignored and not only didn't I receive validation and understanding but I was pathologized, labelled, stigmatized and drugged, sadly this is the same experience for many traumatized people and it just gets worse once you fell into this trap making recovery much more difficult.

February 17

I guess the biggest problem with psychiatry and Sertraline for me is that I needed to overcome my trauma to be more functional and to live better, but I wasn't allowed to, because of psychiatry stupidity and oppression, because it ignored my trauma, it pathologized my post-traumatic reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, my non individualistic and non pathologizing meaning framework and my personal identity, so healing and reprocessing my trauma, true recovery and true rest for me was impossible, the only thing I could do and was forced to do was to take Sertraline, a drug, to calm down my traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions, just disconnecting from all of them, getting high, numbed down, chemically deceived, making my trauma invisible but not making it go away, it just confused me brain, it made it work abnormally, it deceived it, and that's one of the biggest reasons why I have so much resentment towards psychiatry and mainstream psychology (the mental health system/industry), which shares its same toxic individualistic meaning framework and is equally useless for healing and reprocessing trauma.

Traumatized people shouldn't take these drugs unless the trauma is acknowledged and the drug risks are taken into account. But how the hell is psychiatry going to do things properly if it's the total opposite of being trauma informed, if it deliberately ignores trauma, pathologizes postraumatic reactions and crises, and confuses people?

The trauma never goes away when you take drugs, it's just there, was invisible, waiting to haunt you again.

February 17

It's scary to go against the individualistic mentality, to get out of that belief and value system, to face the trauma, getting out of said mentality being the only way to heal for real, and go against the culture and society mentality that everyone shares, overcoming the individualistic indoctrination (culture) is not only difficult and exhausting but painful and confusing, because you abandon a belief and value system without something clear to replace it with, you have to get out of your comfort zone and be willing to face the unknown.

I just wanted to heal my trauma, to be functional, to live better, and I got down the rabbit hole, only to find more difficulties and obstacles than I already had.

From an individualistic point of view and without acknowledging the trauma (like psychiatry does) nothing makes sense, but if I do, everything starts making sense again.

For years I tried to reconnect with my pre psychiatry reality and personal identity, specially when I was not overwhelmed by my postraumatic reactions, but I wasn't able to do so. I wonder if it's still possible and if it's worth trying.

February 17

Psychiatry ignored my trauma but pathologized (invalidated and stigmatized) my postraumatic reactions, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, calling them "OCD", because I had some obsessive compulsive behaviors (actually postraumatic reactions) that weren't even half as bad as when I took taking Sertraline and during withdrawal, that confused and misleaded me, specially when I searched for meaning, answers and solutions again in the same psychiatric toxic and nihilistic meaning framework (thinking it was science, the objective truth) when I stopped Sertraline cold turkey and I came back to the traumatic (emotional) reality of my life that having been chemically deceived for years I thought it was over. This confusion made impossible for me to heal my trauma, and I got stuck with it while I took Sertraline and in withdrawal. I just needed to heal my trauma, but I obsessed with my postraumatic reactions, namely "OCD", when the withdrawal happened, because of the psychiatric scam, being desperate, totally overwhelmed, in despair. My postraumatic reactions were not the problem, they never were, but the trauma that I experienced that was unprocessed, that psychiatry aggravated in multiple ways and made me impossible to recover from, and my toxic family, that also was an obstacle for my recovery, to calm myself, to relax, to reprocess my trauma and release the stored postraumatic stress. Being trapped in individualism means that recovery from trauma is impossible, being relaxed is not an option then, even if to relax is all I wanted to do for all these years, even when I took Sertraline in some ways. Sertraline gave an artificial relax, but it was not real, and at some level I always suspected that something didn't fit. I was never able to relax because I was never able to make sense of my post-traumatic reactions and trauma, integrate them into my meaning framework (pre-psychiatry) and receive validation, especially since I came into contact with psychiatry.

February 17

I guess being trapped with my trauma and postraumatic reactions, unable to reprocess it, disconnecting from them and loosing all understanding I had regarding them has been the worst thing that psychiatric caused to me. I couldn't mature as a person, I got stuck in my traumatic past at an emotional/mental/psychological level and I couldn't find inner peace.

These days the overwhelming feelings and postraumatic reactions are becoming less intense and more manageable, writing is helping me a lot to reprocess everything that happened to me.

The only thing I wanted was to relax, to be able to rest and be efective, productive, functional.

When withdrawal happened I wanted to desperately come back to the (unknown to me then) fake reality that I experienced when I took Sertraline, understandably, I didn't want to experience the same postraumatic crisis than when I was 19-20, just before I was arrested, involuntarily hospitalized and drugged, and that's exactly what was happening, all the time-chemically frozen postraumatic reactions and traumatic feelings came back, to haunt me again, waiting to be reprocessed.

Psychiatry made me fear even more that postraumatic crisis, because unconcioussly I feared to be locked down again for showing those "abnormal" behaviors and feelings, they were also more distressing than when they happened for the first time because I could not make sense of them, even less than during the first time, psychiatric indoctrination made me understand that overwhelming experiences as a symptom of something evil, very dangerous and uncontrollable, and because of Sertraline the traumatic emotions were even more intense than when the crisis happened at first (neuroemotions I guess) and I couldn't connect said traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions with my past experiences (psychiatric and pre psychiatry), not only because of how confused I was after getting out of a chemical deception that lasted 3+ years, but because again the psychiatric indoctrination that forced to me mostly when I was locked down in that psychiatric ward, extremely confused, vulnerable, oppressed, alienated and overwhelmed.

For the past 3+ years, since withdrawal started, I also was confused with which reality that I experienced was the real one. I thought when withdrawal started that my Sertraline fake reality was the real one, it was the one I was familiar with for years, but it really wasn't, and because I stopped taking the pills it collapsed. Then I experienced the extremely confusing and distressing postraumatic crisis reality that I was never able to overcome and let go, because of psychiatry intervention, that reality should had been something temporary, just a crises, until I figured out my issues and found a path foward, like I put my soul in trying to achieve, but psychiatry sabotaged my efforts, needs, objectives, etc. But the "real" reality was not none of those two, so I hope to experience it soon, when I'm more relaxed.

I also perceived time in a distorted way when I was taking Sertraline, it's like if I didn't care about it, like I was apathetic towards it, like if it had no value. Now I'm realizing tha value of time.

February 17

@Gonzo I recognize Sertraline fake reality, trauma and it would have been better to take care of it rather than to take fake relax sertraline to be effective and productive.You don't get to know yourself properly and lose yourself.
I also feel the same thing with time taking zoloft. Lost 10 years. The substance made me think I would be young forever with all the time in the world Or like I didn't care. It's a shock to wake up to. Unfortunately, WD means that time continues to pass as I have such severe WD that I still cannot participate in life. Right now I just wish my body could work and horrible WD could go away.

February 17

@Dahlia50YES! EXACTLY! I felt like I was going to be young forever, ain't that crazy? I had such an amount of energy, but I was just high and disconnected. I also couldn't develop myself/my personality/identity properly. I'm sorry you experienced the same but I'm also extremely grateful that you took the time to share your experience here, validation is extremely important for recovery. It takes time but improvement happen even if slowly, for me overcoming the psychiatric brainwashing and understanding my experiences using a non pathologizing meaning framework/point of view has speed up the process a lot, this happened during the last two months. I hope we all recover and find peace soon.

I was traumatized and neither psychiatry, Sertraline nor mainstream psychology (just a copypaste of psychiatry) helped me to heal my trauma, to face solve my life issues and to solve them, because individualism means not doing anything for the other.

When I tried to heal/overcome my trauma and get over the individualistic mindset everything got worse for me, more, and more, and more, because not being individualistic in an individual society and culture means being vulnerable, in danger and exposed.

Looking back, all what I experienced during the time I took Sertraline it's like if nothing makes sense, as if it was not me, as if there was another person in my place who ate my food, who slept in my bed, who used my phone, who spoke for me or made decisions is like waking up from a long hibernation or emotional coma.

February 17

My withdrawal has been readjusting to reality, recovering the meaning I lost in my life, facing the grieving and trauma that I disconnected from, etc, because psychiatry forced me to disconnect from my trauma and deprived me of all stability, and I don't know how to be stable again. With Sertraline I lived in autopilot.

February 17

6 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Moje wycofanie polegało na ponownym dostosowaniu się do rzeczywistości.

Why do you think we keep thinking about taking these drugs again even though they hurt us so much? Do we recall a time when we took them and were euphoric and now we want to give up and believe what the psychiatrist says? Because others take them and are happier than us?
After all, now we know that they are stimulants that do not cure, yet my sister will again lead me to a psychiatrist and I will go with her even though she urged me to take these stimulants because she believes the official version and I even do not want to talk to her. What will the psychiatrist advise me again 5 or 10 mg esci and quetpinum at night. terrible.

February 18

10 hours ago, modelarz71 said:

Perché pensi che continuiamo a pensare di assumere nuovamente questi farmaci anche se ci fanno così male? Ricordiamo un momento in cui li prendevamo ed eravamo euforici e ora vogliamo arrenderci e credere a quello che dice lo psichiatra? Perché gli altri li prendono e sono più felici di noi?

Many are hit so hard that they are forced to go back on the drug and slowly taper it off once stabilized, I did too and it helped me a lot.

February 18

13 hours ago, modelarz71 said:

Why do you think we keep thinking about taking these drugs again even though they hurt us so much? Do we recall a time when we took them and were euphoric and now we want to give up and believe what the psychiatrist says? Because others take them and are happier than us?
After all, now we know that they are stimulants that do not cure, yet my sister will again lead me to a psychiatrist and I will go with her even though she urged me to take these stimulants because she believes the official version and I even do not want to talk to her. What will the psychiatrist advise me again 5 or 10 mg esci and quetpinum at night. terrible.

I'm not against drugs I'm against how they're prescribed and abused by doctors, they lie to people.

I understand why people would want to take them, because they have issues, because they can to rest, physically and psychologically.

I thought about taking Sertraline again, now that I know all I know, because tbh it wasn't that bad, as a drug, I was contempt and more relaxed, it's just that it wasn't medication, it never was, I didn't even know why I was taking, the logic behind the pills prescription, and I didn't care about those things because I was high, numbed down, apathetic, either, I just didn't want to feel like when I did during my 19-20 years old postraumatic crisis, so yeah I was running away from my traumas, the psychiatric trauma had been added to my already existing and complex trauma so what was coming for me once stopping the pills was the true and painful reality.

There are multiple reasons to take drugs, but relaxing and escaping pain are the most important IMO.

February 18

I'm realizing more and more things lately, that's why I'm writing so many posts, I don't want to forget any of this.

When I was 19 I suffered a postraumatic crisis, because all the unprocessed trauma that I had and all the presion that I felt to be functional (to be productive, efective, to work, to study, to make money) combined, I had postraumatic reactions, emotional flashbacks and overwhelming traumatic feelings that I couldn't understand, everything seemed to be going ok for the first time in many many years, I had a bit of success in my studies and in my life after all the pain and trouble that I had experienced in the previous years, so my circumstances had changed but I felt as I did when my traumas happened (emotional flashbacks) and were not related to what was happening to me in the present (I was not being revictimized, but the opposite).

I was very confused by all this, by my emotional and inner experiences, and the next academic year was going to start soon, in a few months, after the summer vacation.

So naturally I wanted to be ready to face the challenge that I had ahead and be successful, to be functional, to connect with others, to live better, then I tried to understand what was happening to me, I tried to make sense of my overwhelming postraumatic reactions and traumatic feelings (overwhelming shame, guilt, fear, terror, anxiety, anger, confusion, stress), to overcome or to control them, to achieve my objectives, what I "needed to do".

Then I got into mainstream psychology (a copypaste of psychiatry) and I went down the rabbit hole. I learnt about High sensitive person, the theory of positive desintegration of Dabrowski, theory of multiple intelligences of Gardner, about being intelectually gifted and its issues, about neurodivergence and ADHD and Autism/ASD, etc, and I realized that the causes of my suffering were in the toxic culture, oppressive, alienating, individualistic, dehumanizing, and that I needed to change my mentality to cope better with it, because the relational environment/culture is not changing any time soon.

I tried to overcome my individualism, my individualistic belief and value system, mindset and indoctrination, to overcome trauma, to live better, fully, to connect with others, with healthy people, with people like me, to overcome the oppression and alienation. I did my part, the 50%, but the other 50% is receiving validation and understanding from others, empathy, support, but what I received was an court ordered arrest and being forced to take drugs while I was arrested, incarcelated, between bars in a psychiatric ward, ignored, pathologized, treated like a criminal, for commiting a thought crime.

Even when I was locked down I tried until the very end to tell everyone there my story, to receive the validation and understanding that I needed from others, I tried to be perfect telling a perfectly ordered story, to not being considered crazy, but the judgement was already made, because I was locked down there and I acted "crazy", "abnormal", there was something wrong with me, disordered, ill, I told my psychiatrist my story the best I could under my circumstances, I told him about trauma, flashbacks, postraumatic reactions (violent reactions, fear, sadness, whatever), that I had nightmares, and that I thought I had PTSD, but he didn't give a damn, he was the "expert", I was not going to tell him what I had or did not had, then diagnosed me with "OCD", a psychiatric diagnosis which its causes following what psychiatry says are not related to trauma but to a brain disease/malfunction, so this crazy bastard psychiatrist 100% ignored my trauma, pathologized me and then drugged me.

I was forced to take the drug not only because it was the only way to get out of there but because at that point after I did everything I could to connect with the people there and to receive validation and understanding, empathy, support, it was the only way to relax myself, to calm down my traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions, they just didn't help me, in fact they aggravated my trauma with all their "treatments", I was just brutally oppressed and alienated, gaslighted and victim-blamed.

So naturally my postraumatic reactions, emotional flashbacks, traumatic emotions and postraumatic crisis never resolved, but stayed intact, everything stayed intact, waiting to resurface again.

Everything came back during withdrawal, when I stopped Sertraline cold turkey, and it was so overwhelming and confusing, devastating, it felt like a retraumazation, the worst thing that can happen to a trauma survivor.

Sertraline confused my brain, so effectively, it made me feel, think and belief that the trauma was finally over, the chemical deception was real, but it comes to an end when you stop taking the drugs, and what was chemically suppressed comes back stronger than ever (what this place calls neuroemotions and emotional spirals), reinforced by the loss of emotional tolerance and healthy coping skills (taking drugs to numb down difficult emotions is NOT healthy, even if it works).

All this cruel lie caused me an emotional and mental chaos like I have never experienced before in my life, totally crazy.

To overcome my trauma I needed to overcome my individualism, and I decided that I wanted to try it, even if it meant rejecting what protected me from being revictimized in this sh*tty society, but I wasn't allowed to heal, because no one really understood me and gave me validation, empathy, because no one really connected with me, being trapped in an individualistic society and culture, I was naïve, in fact, I suffered much more and was as I feared oppressed, alienated and revictimized because of rejecting my individualistic mindset and indoctrination.

You just can't do that, if you try to overcome the individualistic mindset trapped in an individualistic society and culture you become an enemy, a danger, foe yourself and the rest of individualistic people that share those values and belief system, you put a target on yourself, that's why psychiatry "reeducated" me with its "treatments" that were supposed to "help" me, it forced me to come back to individualism.

I wanted something better, more humane, something that was not all about myself, about being disconnected from others and just minding my own business, I believed that it was possible, even if I was immersed in a postraumatic crisis, overwhelmed and confused, and psychiatry told me I was crazy, ill, disordered, that what I said was nonsense, it labelled me, pathologized me, stigmatized me, drugged me, psychiatry confused me, made me lost myself, destroyed my meaning framework, it mentally collonized me, in indoctrinated/"reeducated" me, it chemically deceived me, for all these years, never told me about withdrawal, about what the drugs are really about, how they work, why I had to take Sertraline, what were the risks, etc, because psychiatry never cared about my feelings and thoughts, about my opinion, because psychiatry doesn't exist to improve anything, it is just OPPRESSION, POLITICAL and SOCIAL CONTROL and CULTURAL INDOCTRINATION and ENFORCEMENT .

It's all insanity.

I could not finish my personal transformation into a non individualistic person as I needed to do and wanted to do because I wasn't allowed to while I was drugged, confused, chemically deceived and trapped in the mental health system/industry, that sabotaged me for years.

People are exhausted by this extremely individualistic and crazy capitalistic culture, suffering so much, shamed and guilt tripped for not being a perfectly flawless working machine, for having imperfect human needs, for needing to rest, to recover, for reacting to this insanity, and unable to find any help because almost everyone shares the same toxic individualistic mindset, it's cultural and indoctrination, so no one really helps no one, everyone is divided and suffering because of that, THAT IS individualism, each one on their own, and this society delusional belief in free will means that everyone is suffocated by personal/individual responsability (by shame and guilt) for not being 100% "functional/normal" (a perfectly flawless working machine without imperfect human needs).

It's craziness and unbearable, that's why people end up taking drugs, psychiatric or not, legal or illegal, the oppression and alienation is inhumane, people are divided, because of individualism, and the only way to find some rest is through drugs, finding a defective psychiatric diagnosis that tells you that you are not a perfectly flawless working machine without imperfect human needs ("abnormal") because your brain is ill (so you don't feel so ashamed and guilt, because you get less ashamed and guilt tripped as a result), or by getting seriously labelled by psychiatry and end up getting a disability pension so you don't have to work so hard anymore and can have some level rest.

When we connect with each other, when we feel understood and validated, with empathy, we feel safe, because we don't feel ALONE, so we can relax, release the stored (postraumatic) stress, reprocess the unprocessed trauma and recover. That's how we are wired and what we are supposed to do, being social creatures. But if we can't, we are in fight-flight mode all the ******* time, unable to calm down, to recover, to have rest.

Crazy! It's all crazy and dehumanized, dehumanizing.

All this search for the truth started because I had postraumatic reactions, immersed in a postraumatic crisis, and I could not understand nor accept what I was experiencing, and that developed into an existential/meaning crisis, and I needed and wanted to have answers, looking for ways to heal my trauma, through understanding, looking for answers and solutions, to overcome/control those postraumatic reactions, to be functional (because I couldn't concentrate and study and feel safe around people in class, due to said postraumatic reactions), to find meaning, for my experiences, for my life, a purpose, a path foward, I wanted to move foward in my life, to live better, fully, to connect with others, to overcome the oppression and alienation, to satisfy my human needs that were traumatic and overwhelming, reason why the postraumatic crisis and reactions happened, etc.

I also wanted to avoid being oppressed and alienated again, retraumazatized, when showing those postraumatic reactions in public, my personal experience told me that when you show postraumatic reactions in public people don't understand, start judging you, abuse you, see you as weak, wird, abnormal, as a target, etc, and everything gets worse (typical issues of individualistic, oppressive and alienating relational environments), I wanted to avoid all that controlling those postraumatic reactions, suppressing them, healing if possible I guess.

There was a lot of meaning and logic behind my actions, behaviors, thoughts, feelings, reactions, needs, it was not all "just in my head", it was noy just a "brain disorder", as evil, stupid, ignorant and mediocre psychiatry told me and imposed to me (imposed to me its toxic, oppressive, alienating and meaningless meaning framework).

This is not even new, I'm just recovering my lost pre psychiatry meaning framework, logic and purpose, the meaning, belief and value system that I had before being arrested, locked down and drugged under coerccion, everything that psychiatry took away from me for the past 7 years.

Psychiatry is no prepared to help anyone to recover or heal, it's not what it exist for, it's work is to push pills for money, and to bolster the mental health industry.

I didn't recover because I wasn't allowed to recover.

February 18

I'm recovering hope together with meaning, passion, curiosity and my natural critical thinking. Psychiatry took away all these things from me for too long, the crazy bastards, with their "treatments", they impoverished my life, they made me dumber, weaker, but they didn't completely extinguish my spirit. I'm still here, recovering, getting stronger, as I was not supposed to do, for them I was supposed to be mentally ill forever, unable to recover, stuck with my "OCD" until the day I die. Psychiatry took away my peace, it destroyed it, and now it's coming back.

One of the reasons when I took Sertraline again in April 2020 during COVID lockdown after not taking it since late 2019 it's because it felt like my traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions were coming back and I didn't want to go through the same postraumatic crisis that I went through when I was 19-20, I feared that, specially because of psychiatric indoctrination, because psychiatry made me see that overwhelming postraumatic crisis experience as something totally dangerous, nonsensical and uncontrollable, also because unconcioussly I feared to be arrested, locked down, oppressed and alienated again (I couldn't know that at that moment because of how chemically disconnected I was from my psychiatric trauma, became I started taking Sertraline and disconnecting from my real emotions when I was arrested in the psychiatric ward, when I was being traumatized).

When I was chemically deceived and disconnected taking Sertraline and emotionally and mentally overwhelmed by reality and unable to process it during withdrawal I didn't realize how much important was to have meaning in my life.

Psychiatry gave me parents a power over me that they shouldn't ever had had and that reinforced the abusive power that they already had over me, and because of Sertraline brain confusion and apathy I was also unable to defend myself and I didn't care that much when I should and would normally had cared.

Psychiatry made me feel distressed about my inner experiences, thoughts, feelings, reactions, behaviors, emotions, etc, specially my postraumatic reactions and traumatic emotions, it made see all those things as symptoms of some evil inside of me, diseases, of dangerous, bad, ilogical, uncontrollable and inexplicable phenomena, because it trained me to do that, to obsess with my inner experiences, to monitor them closely, looking for those "symptoms" and to suppress/erradicate/fight them (my inner experiences), as if they're and were the cause of my suffering and life problems instead of being just normal, natural, logical, understandable and human reactions to what happened to me, so I was trained to self gaslighting and self suppress/oppress.

There is meaning and logic behind every behavior, thought, feeling, emotion, reaction.

February 18

There is meaning behind every behavior, thought, feeling, emotion, reaction, but it can be difficult to find that meaning, for sure is impossible trapped in the psychiatric sick mindset that makes you self obsess, self gaslight and self suppress/oppress.

8 years ago I realized that to be efective, productive, "functional", "normal" and to rest I needed to feel safe, specially around people, for that reason I was very interested in connecting with people that I feel they understood me, that were able to connect with me.

My complex trauma has so many layers, of dissociation, of disconnection, of traumas, and that's basically what individualism is about. That's why my individualism was so powerful before I tried to overcome it at the age of 19-20, I was heavily traumatized.

I just had a flashback when I saw written "OCD", it never happened to me before, it's a good sign of recovery in my opinion, that psychiatric label has been extremely harmful for me, for years, pure gaslighting, it confused and misleaded me so much, and as an explanation is a dead end, as many others psychiatric diagnoses.

February 18

8 years ago I realized that to be efective, productive, "functional", "normal" and to rest I needed to feel safe, specially around people, for that reason I was very interested in connecting with people that I feel they understand me, that are able to connect with me, to have empathy, to give me validation and to see value on me, that make me feel worthy. To do that I need to overcome my trauma. By psychiatry sabotaged me, didn't allow me to. And I got stuck with that postraumatic reactions, that Sertraline freezed in time, until the withdrawal happened, and I was haunted once more by my unprocessed traumas.

The macabre thing is that you do not emotionally and mentally experience the trauma and reality of the abuse that you experienced while taking the drug or before until you stop taking the drug or its effect wears off, until you reconnect with reality, the one you ran away from voluntarily or involuntarily, conscioussly or unconcioussly.

My "OCD" "diagnosis" (it's a real medical diagnosis because it lacks medical teste and scientific validity, because it doesn't discover a present disease in the body, but invent and impose it) has been so harmful for me because it never acknowledged my trauma, because it is and it was pure gaslighting (coming from a doctor that deliberately ignored my trauma when I told him about all my postraumatic reactions), in fact it was misleading and confused me when I tried to understand it and to "fix" it (it can't be fixed or cured because it's not a real illness), to find answers in it. Because it was a dead end. "OCD" diagnosis ignores trauma, the official psychiatric explanation of "OCD" is that it is just a brain disorder, nothing else, no trauma involved, no social or environment factors either, it's all in the brain, a faulty, non fixable brain.

I also realized 8 years ago that I needed to feel safe to be "functional", specially around others, that I needed to connect with other people, validation and understanding, empathy, support... human connection. To do that I needed to overcome my individualistic mindset, that was making me impossible to make those connections with others and reconnect with myself, to feel safe, to relax, and to release all the stored postraumatic stress, to calm down my postraumatic reactions, to heal my trauma, and that's when all my worst problems included psychiatry started, because you're not really allowed to have a different mindset and value-belief system than the individualistc one trapped in an individualistic society and culture.

This society forces people to take drugs to relax, to escape this sh*tty social reality and to adopt psychiatric labels which are defective identities that tells you that you're not "functional" because you have a "brain disease" (it's not your fault) and where you can find refuge to escape the excruciating individual responsability and relieve the overwhelming shame and guilt that this society produces for being less than a perfectly flawless working machine without imperfect human needs, and when possible to have a disability pension so being oppressed in a sh*tty work becomes less necessary.

February 18

So I asked myself why did I feel "this way"? Because those feelings, the shame, the guilt, the anxiety, the stress, the fear, the anger, the confusion, etc, were the postraumatic reactions of all the unprocessed trauma layers and accumulated postraumatic stress caused by being trapped in a deeply individualistic, oppressive and alienating society and culture (family included) that does not allow me to recover. It was not my fault that I felt "that way", feelings that I could not understand, manage, accept, I couldn't give meaning to them.

February 18

Those confusing and distressing emotional flashbacks that I had 8 years ago were projections of my traumatized mind, they didn't describe the present time reality and they don't now, but I couldn't never understand and accept them, and no one help me either, no one gave me validation, empathy, support, understanding, I was on my own to resolve my postraumatic reactions, but sadly they overwhelmed me and paralized me, that's why I isolated myself for 1 year and half, until I was arrested and involuntarily hospitalized, locked down. During that year and half I also stopped eating well because I tried to use food as a reward, to avoid getting stuck in that (pos)traumatic reality and to force me to be functional, to do what I "needed to do", to "fulfill" my "objective", back then I wanted to share all what I had learned with other people, to help others, so they don't suffer what I did suffer, I really was traumatized and confused and trying to get over my trauma, but I really had good intentions and just needed some empathy. I also really obsessed with controlling my distressing and confusing postraumatic reactions, to avoid being revictimized, one of my biggest fears, but mostly trying to be "functional". I have been blocked by my post-traumatic emotions and reactions for 8 years, my traumatic past hijacking my present, when I took Sertraline I was only high and disconnected from those emotions and reactions.

February 19

Feeling more in control of my emotions lately. I also gotta say that my relationship with my parents improved, and that is helping me, because I still live with them. The amount of damage that psychiatric indoctrination did to me is difficult to mesure, it made me fear my inner experiences, my feelings, thoughts, reactions, behaviors, myself, and obsess with all that, that I believed were "symptoms" of "disease" ("mental illnesses") that I needed to watch and look for closely, so I saw and felt my inner experiences, specially my traumatic emotions/feelings (sadness, anger, fear, terror, stress, anxiety, agitation, confusion, etc) and postraumatic reactions (emotional flashbacks, said emotions, etc), as something dangerous, bad, abnormal, uncontrollable, ilogical, unpredictable, I shamed them as psychiatry does, so as a result those inner experiences became much more distressing than before I became indoctrinated/brainwashed and psychologically trained to act that way, to self-obsess, self-suppress/oppress, etc, and I couldn't process them, in other words, it corrupted my metacognition and created an internal resistance to my own personal inner experiences that was extremely toxic, unhealthy and harmful.

There is no medical evidence of disease or abnormality for "mental illnesses", it's a lie, it's all about social and political control, social homeostasis and keeping the Status Quo, cultural dominance, etc.

February 19

Psychiatry terrified me, indoctrinated me and prevented me of trying to face again my trauma, postraumatic reactions and traumatic feelings and overcome them, of trying to heal, and also of trying to get over the individualistic mindset again, because I feared being arrested, incarcelated and brutally oppressed and alienated again in that psychiatric ward, it was a fear I was mostly unaware of until recently, it's the psychiatric trauma I experienced, and being drugged, chemically deceived and disconnected for years from my previous traumas and psychiatric trauma itself and confused for years too during withdrawal, my mind really couldn't make sense of anything during all this time, totally overwhelmed by the traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions of my past traumas but unable to identify them and connect them with my current difficulties and chaos, also I was disconnected from the psychiatric trauma, unaware of it, because I started taking Sertraline (under coerccion) and being disconnected while that trauma was happening and I couldn't start realize how bad it was until I stopped making the pills, when the traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions came back all mixed up, traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions from the psychiatric trauma and previous unprocessed traumas, everything was mixed up, a pure emotional chaos, a soup of traumas, and until I started making sense of my emotional chaos and decoding my traumatic emotions and postraumatic reactions I couldn't realize how much psychiatry traumatized me and become aware of the chemical deception that Sertraline had been.

February 19

Psychiatry forced me to come back to individualism, when I needed to overcome it to heal my trauma and recover, arresting me and putting me between bars, depriving me of my freedom, deeply traumatizing me, brutally oppressed and alienated, and forcing me to submiss, drugging me, lying to me, deceiving me. Psychiatry deprived me of all the logic of my actions imposing me its false and pseudoscientific medical narrative and toxic and meaningless meaning framework that says that none of my actions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc, make sense, when in fact everything makes sense and is a response to everything I have experienced in my life, it brainwashed and indoctrinated me so intensively that I still have difficulties thinking differently, healthier, more logically.

February 19

16 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Psychiatry forced me to come back to individualism, when I needed to overcome it to heal my trauma and recover

So real! It's really the perfect "solution" for the ruling class: they make money from it, we're kept trapped in jobs/systems/life circumstances that are making us unhappy, and we are too numb to band together and fight back. The more I think about it, getting off these things is downright revolutionary.

February 19

They keep us divided, isolated, drugged, disconnected from reality, numbed, distracted, confused, ignorant, deceived, overwhelmed, desperate and weak, so we don't rebel, and they want of us to think that the source of our emotional suffering/mental distress is in ourselves, in these invented psychiatric brain diseases, so we don't focus on the societal and cultural issues that cause us said suffering, blaming ourselves or our brains instead of fighting to improve those issues.

I wish I could erase all my psychiatric experience from my mind, everything I suffered and all my psychiatric and mainstream psychology "knowledge", it's all bullsh*t and extremely toxic.

My issue has never been withdrawal I think but all the unprocessed trauma, that psychiatry aggravated incredibly, because it revictimized me in multiple ways, and that "relationship" that I had three years ago that ended traumatically shortly after the withdrawal started made it much worse too, the timing was awfully perfect, withdrawal made all this much more difficult but the main problem was and still is all the unprocessed trauma, that I couldn't reprocess and heal because I basically wasn't allowed to and helped with it, my toxic family environment also played a big role in being a big obstacle for my recovery, psychiatry gave my parents a power over me that they should never had had and that they later used to control and abuse me acting like crazy during my withdrawal, so it's the complex trauma, multiple layers of different unprocessed traumas and dissociation, where a lot of my issues are located, where they always were, and psychiatry could have helped me if they didn't choose to be trauma ignorant trapped in that extremely toxic and harmful neurological reductionism, if they choosed to be helpful, if they acknowledged the trauma and get over the toxic individualism.

February 19

I have to say it again: traumatized people that haven't processed trauma shouldn't be put on drugs, specially when they know nothing about them and its dangers, against their will or/and ignoring their trauma, like it happened to me. I was "diagnosed" with "OCD" by a psychiatrist that deliberately choosed to ignore my trauma even if I specifically told him about it, about flashbacks, nightmares, past traumas, postraumatic reactions (rage attacks), etc, that I thought I had PTSD, he instead pathologized me, basically told to me that the reason I was there was because there was something wrong with me, bad, abnormal, reason why I was "dysfuntional", not studying, working, living "normally" as "normal" people do, as a "normal" person, he stigmatized my behaviors, thoughts, behaviors, feelings, etc, deeming them as nonsensical, illogical, and craziness, as symptoms of being "mentally ill", even if the medical tests that they did to me showed no disease or abnormality at all, he morally judged me, then "diagnosed" me with "OCD" and drugged me against my will and didn't explain me ****. Why? Just why. He hated me. Why did he had to be so harmful, so toxic, so careless, so oppresive and alienating, why did he have so much power over me and my life, he changed my life forever in an awful way. When I stopped Sertraline the trauma/suppressed traumatic emotions came back and it felt like a retraumatization (the worst thing that can happen to a trauma survivor, specially when in a postraumatic crisis like I was), even if the circumstances had changed and the trauma happened years ago. Why was I treated like a criminal? Why was my freedom taken away? Why was I ignored and brutally abused? Why did he have the right to tell right from wrong? Why did he have the right to tell me what to do, how I was supposed to behave and think and feel and live my life? Why did he have to power to force me to take a drug that I didn't want to take and didn't even have the decency to explain me the logic behind taking the pills, why did I needed them, or its dangers? Who the hell was he? He was nobody, just a psychiatrist, a doctor, yet he had so much power and authority, as if he was some kind of priest or cult leader, everyone there followed his orders and the patients/prisoners had to comply. They revictimized me, in that psychiatric ward and when the arrest happened. That retraumatizacion, during withdrawal, after everything I had overcame in my life and survived, it devastated me, paralized me and my life, it has been incredibly damaging. Those bastards, they should suffer as they make suffer, charlatans, liars, oppressors.

The truth will set you free but first will piss you off.

February 19

When I isolated myself to control or overcome my postraumatic reactions, to understand them, to avoid being revictimized, to understand my life issues, to heal my trauma, to find the truth (of my life) I guess, to find meaning, I realized that I suffered, had those postraumatic reactions and I was traumatized because society and culture was making me suffer, the relational environment, because it was oppresive, alienating, individualistic, not just to me, but to a lot of people, specially people that don't perfectly fit in what is considers "normal", people that usually get labelled by psychiatry, so society and culture is the one to blame, not myself, then I realized that everything is connected, so I more or less overcame individualism, but I needed external validation, support, empathy, understanding, human connection, the other 50% that I didn't had but needed to finally heal my trauma, then I the arrest and locked down happened and even there I still tried to find that validation and connection, but I was brutally oppressed. When I was there I told to myself that I was never going to come back to how things are, to my previous individualism and to experiencing a postraumatic crisis like that, that was very extreme. I had very extreme individualistic beliefs. I rejected them, even if psychiatry tried to force me that toxic individualism again, imposing me its neurological reductionism and toxic and meaningless biomedical meaning framework. So I got stuck trying to find the validation and understanding that I needed from others even when I was drugged, to finish my trauma healing and personal transformation process. But you can't find that validation and understanding trapped in a deeply individualistic society and culture, so I got stuck never being able to grow as a person, to mature, and to heal my trauma, being stuck with it, trapped with all my traumas. I decided that I wanted to heal when I was 19-20, I commited to it, but it has been impossible, specially being drugged and disconnected and during withdrawal, when my trauma suddenly came back and it was overwhelming and devastating, a retraumatizing experience. During withdrawal and when I was drugged I also had and still have identity issues, when I was drugged I experienced a drug induced personality disorder so I disconnected from my real identity for years and when the chemical deception came to an end I still clung for a time to that fake personality/identity that I thought was my real identity that I experienced when being drugged, until it finally collapsed in 2022-2023. The thing is, what is my real identity? I hardly now anymore. When I was 18-19 my identity was very individualistic, those were my personal values and belief system, until I rejected them when I was 19-20, trying to heal my trauma, "function" better and grow as a person, I was following my heart and intuition. So when I took Sertraline my identity and personality was disordered for years, and when I stopped taking the pills I was confused regarding who I really was, my old personal values and belief system were gone, and I didn't want to come back to them, but also I wasn't able to finish my personality/identity transformation process, psychiatry sabotaged it, and my personality/identity had been chemically disordered for years or/and immersed in a very intense postraumatic crisis, the confusion was huge, still is. I also wondered which reality was the real one. I experienced three different realities: 1 Pre-postraumatic crisis. 2. Fake Sertraline reality. 3. Withdrawal/Post-Sertraline reality. I also realized that I had to find an identity that allowed me to connect with similar people to feel safer and better, to relax, to enjoy life a bit more, people with similar identities, once I rejected my individualistic identity, but who I was once I rejected my previous identity? Or when my fake Sertraline personality came to an end? What a mess!!! With the years of Sertraline use, withdrawal and psychiatric indoctrination I forgot what I needed, wanted and tried to achieve, I became a very confused person.

February 19

I wanted and needed to give up my individualistic personal identity to overcome my trauma, to be more functional and to have something better in my life, because I had hope, and because individualism IS trauma, a trauma based identity. My individualistic belief system beliefs, personal values and personal identity, which I developed through experience, suffering, made me feel safe, it protected me, but it was also blocking my recovery, it preventing me from healing the trauma.

February 19

I have to correct my mind trajectory constantly, so I remind myself that circumstances have changed, even if the traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions stayed, because I never had the oportunity to heal my trauma, which remained unprocessed, source of all these overwhelming, confusing, distressing and paralizing traumatic emotions and responses. Also, it's funny how I was much more obsessive-compulsive when I was on Sertraline or during withdrawal than before taking the drugs. I'm getting a lot more mental clarity these days, it's ******* insane, the amount of time has passed since I had this level of insight. I still fear my inner experiences, my traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions, I've been since I was 16, and I get very confused sometimes, overwhelmed and distressed, but I try to remember that it's trauma, it always has been, and that I told my psychiatrist about it and he decided to ignore me, I knew it was trauma when I was involuntarily hospitalized and before it happened, the problem is that my postraumatic crisis overwhelmed me completely and no one helped me to relax and overcome it, but the opposite. I'm trying to normalize everything the best I can. Too much **** happened during the past 8 years that confused me a lot. It's like being trapped in a psychological maze with lots of traps and only one exit.

February 20

I entered the psychiatric ward 8 years ago traumatized and in the middle of a very intense post-traumatic and existential crisis and I came out drugged, disconnected from the emotional reality of my life, with my brain confused and deceived, with my post-traumatic crisis chemically frozen and even more traumatized.

February 20

I realize that I've been trapped with my trauma for the past 8 years, trapped in my postraumatic crisis, with my traumatic emotions/feelings and postraumatic reactions. In that psychiatric ward my trauma got aggravated, because of the brutal invalidation, gaslighting, oppression and alienation that I experienced, but at the same time, while that traumatic experience was developing, when the psychiatric trauma was happening, I got drugged, so I started disconnecting there, my brain being chemically deceived. Then, the drug, deceiving my brain for years, made me feel, think and belief that my trauma was finally over, when in fact I was just numbed down, sedated, confused, high, apathetic towards it, Sertraline made the trauma invisible to me, it didn't make it disappear or healed it, not even helped me to heal it, it just confused me, my brain. Finally, when I stopped taking the pills the postraumatic crisis, traumatic emotions/feelings and postraumatic reactions, everything came back and more intense than ever, because I had lost my coping skills and tolerance for that mental distress, and reinforced by those pesky neuroemotions. The trauma never went away, it had always been there, waiting to resurface and haunt me again, a trauma that was already complex, difficult to understand and overcome, and that psychiatry made even worse adding more layers to it and confusing me. When I took Sertraline I couldn't face and overcome my trauma, because it was basically invisible to me, in an emotional way, I was chemically deceived, my brain was confused, lied to, and when I stopped taking the pills and the traumatic feelings and postraumatic reactions came back it was so intense that I couldn't process it, that has been my withdrawal and that's why my Post-Sertraline reality has been so overwhelming and devastating, retraumatizing, destructive, it has paralized my life, totally, and I couldn't recover because I couldn't understand my difficult inner experiences, trapped in the psychiatric meaning framework bullsh*t, indoctrinated, fearing those experiences and trained to suppress them, seeing and feeling them as symptoms of dangerous, uncontrollable, imcomprehensible and unpredictable brain diseases, with the result of them paradoxically getting stronger, more intense, more overwhelming and more distressing. That's why I couldn't relax and recover, confused, misleaded, indoctrinated, lied to, I was blocked, it wasn't an option.

February 20

I tried to find answers, meaning and solutions to my overwhelming internal experience, to my post-traumatic crisis, in psychiatry and psychology (mainstream) but it is and was impossible because it is individualistic psychopathological and pseudscientific garbage that ignores trauma and pathologizes post-traumatic reactions, so I only got indoctrinated, confused, deceived, oppressed and misleaded, and ended up being much more distressed.

8 years ago I realized that it was not me who was wrong (toxic individualism), what was wrong, my post-traumatic reactions and traumatic emotions (guilt, shame, sadness, anxiety, agitation, stress, confusion, etc.) were logical consequences of the environment, oppressive, alienating, individualistic, which was and is wrong, but as soon as I tried to give up my individualistic mentality, find support and validation from others, as soon as I stopped my activity, I became "dysfunctional" and acted "abnormally" I was morally judged, pathologized, and brutally oppressed and alienated. I wanted to find the truth of my post-traumatic issues and reactions, why I felt “that way,” and I found it.

I was alone with my trauma, I always have been, when I tried to open myself and tell my traumatic experiences to others I only got misunderstood, gaslighted, pathologized, abused.

I need to rebuild my whole life, from all the trauma, abuse, lies, confusion and oppression.

I lived stuck in my traumatic past, unable to move foward, trapped with my trauma, because of psychiatry.

February 20

Psychiatry made me even more afraid of my post-traumatic reactions, post-traumatic crisis and traumatic emotions, which I additionally associated with being arrested and locked down in the hospital and treated like a criminal, brutally oppressed and alienated, made me afraid to face my TRAUMA, discouraged and prevented me of trying to face it ever again, so it made recovery from my trauma much more complicated, it blocked my healing, and that blocking was reinforced by the indoctrination in its toxic, meaningless and hopeless meaning framework, which made me self-fear, self-obsess, self-suppress and self-gaslight.

Because I was going through a postraumatic crisis and I was very isolated and I needed desperately to have external validation and support to overcome that crisis and be "functional" again I had to let go the individualistic mindset that protected me from being revictimized to heal my trauma, and once I did I was in fact revictimized as I feared, by psychiatry and other people.

Yeah, what a world we live in, traumatized and vulnerable people are the most oppressed people, instead of being helped they're torn apart, stigmatized, revictimized over and over again, that happens in a deeply individualistic, oppressive, alienating, traumatized and traumatizing society.

Psychiatry and Sertraline prevented me from understanding anything.

Today is the 7 year aniversary since my arrest and involuntary hospitalization happened.

Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

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