Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

May 9

Hi Gonzo.

i just found this website and have yet to post my introduction or update my signature. Before I lose your thread, I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much every word you wrote here resonates with me.

im 29. I was on velafaxine for almost ten years. I tapered and took my last dose in January after years of feeling numb, and detached, and unable to know or pursue passions I previously had.

I resonate with what you’re saying about mental clarity. For me, it’s making everything so much harder. I don’t have the bandwidth to properly sort through it all without the rumination and panic increasing. im grateful to begin to have clarity, it’s the very thing I wanted. But the emotional pain and panic had been brutal. Hoping to find a way to relief here.

thank you for sharing

May 9

Hey @Mushaboom. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope my thread can help you to find validation, to be honest, what I wrote is pretty deppressing overall but I think when people are in these painful mental and emotional states knowing that they're not alone can be extremely helpful. I hope you recover soon.

May 9

@Gonzo I was starting to feel really alone. My loved ones are so confused, I seem like a different person. I have used so much energy just trying to get anyone to understand my suffering.

Your words help me understand I’m not alone. I hope you continue to heal.

May 9

I understand very, very well what you mean, that's one of the biggest reasons why I'm here telling my story. You're not alone. I suggest using that energy to sort out your experiences or telling what's happening to you here.

Sertraline made me forget who I really was, my true, authentic self, and I forgot everything, all that I needed to know to be me again, and the issue is that my fake Sertraline synthetic self gave stability to my family, because when I started taking Sertraline I was in crisis and causing a lot of unstability to my family system. So when I came off Sertraline and my unresolved crisis resumed I felt guilty and I was shamed for destabilizing my family again instead of being supported as I needed to. This happens many times thanks to careless psychiatry.

May 9

I was involuntarily commited to a psychiatric ward when I was 20. I was in crisis and just needed moral support and understanding to feel normal. I was forced to take Sertraline, to submiss me, to control me, to break my will, which was a violation of my human rights, as it is being arrested and incarcelated without been a criminal, and I was labelled as insane for my behaviors while in crisis and locked down with "Pure O OCD". All this brutal lack of empathy broke my heart, my spirit. I took this drug for the next 3+ years, being disconnected, dumbed, high, sedated, numbed, I couldn't even comprehend what I had suffered or realize how drugged I was, until I stopped cold turkey and withdrawal happened. After coming back to my senses I left the MH system for good two years later. I lost stability in my life and since then I've been trying to understand what the hell had happened to me, to recover balance and control over my life, to be "functional". I've made a lot of progress. I still feel very sh*tty but I have gained a lot of wisdom from my experiences and I have a very different take about mental health, unhappiness and distress than most people. The more you realize, how ***** up the whole MH system and society is, how dehumanized everything is, the more it breaks your heart. This is a ***** up society, a cruel world, full of lies and oppression. There is hope for a better life, yeah, but everything hurts, as it's supposed to I guess, human condition is unhappiness, that is normal, to be 24/7 drugged or always "happy" even when life is beating the **** out of you or after it did in the past is abnormal. We are not bornt to be happy, but to fight for our happiness. The moral damage that psychiatry did to me is wild, I'm still incapacitated by it, I live in fear, I feel betrayed by all. It takes a long time to heal sometimes. Sadly. I definitely made progress. I've been clean since Jan or Feb 2021, but withdrawal happened and everything went to ****. The mental and emotional chaos that I experienced was hell. But the worst part is realizing the violation of my human rights that I suffered due to psychiatry, in so many different ways, and while they do as if they're helping you. It's humiliating, devastating. This moral damage makes me think about suicide too often, and my hospitalization happened 7 years ago. I lost my moral integrity and most of my 20s because of these bastards. I couldn't even comprehend what I had suffered. It's so twisted, so perverse, so inhumane. My mind can barely take it. How do I recover my moral integrity after so much abuse and betrayal? The moral injuries are the worst part of all this, they're disabling, I feel beaten down. No justice for us, no one understands, and no one wants to. This sh*tty life. I just wanted to be and feel moral, normal, and psychiatry did everything the other way around, imposing on me that I was forever insane, I had no salvation, just doing drugs.

This recovery process is excruciatingly slow. I want people to see and understand my pain so it feels normal but most don't, so I feel alone. Only places like these help me to feel seen, understood and less alone, to feel normal, human.

May 9

We must be able to accept, tolerate, understand and master our pain, suffering and unhappiness to achieve self-realization and live fully, to be truly happy in life.

May 10

I need to normalize my suffering and pain, my unhappines, in order to have a change to be truly happy living a fulfilling life, a good life. I haven't done this since psychiatry, maybe even before.

May 10

Do you experience any symptoms, Gonzo? You write quite extensively about your thoughts, but are you currently struggling with anxiety, depersonalization, altered states of mind, pain, or cognitive issues?

May 10

Well, what is happening right now is that I'm realizing that human condition is unhappiness, that we're not bornt to by happy but to fight for it. While I was drugged and disconnected from my unhappines, suffering and pain I lost my most valuable and healthier coping skills and strategies. So I need to recover them. I'm deeply unhappy, yes, but how not to be? Bad things happened to me, my dad died recently and I find it pointless, just a stupid dead. This is life, pain and suffering are part of life, normal, not abnormal as psychiatry says. Being happy is what we all aspire to be not how we are supposed to be. When we are drugged and high, numbed, sedated, disconnected, dumbed, why would we care about pain, suffering and unhappiness or about their meaning? It's meaningless then. It only becomes meaningful when we are undrugged and suffering, in pain, unhappy, unbalanced. Then our minds and bodies work nonstop trying to find that balance, i.e. happiness. That's normal life for most undrugged people if not all. We are brainwashed and indoctrinated by psychiatry to think the opposite, but it's simply a lie. Wellbeing is something to fight for, not something that we are bornt with. If we reject unhappiness we become chronically unhappy. Accepting, tolerating and understanding unhappiness is the road to happiness. Suffering is invaluable feedback.

May 10

Sorry for your dad. Hope you're doing well.

May 10

Yeah, I find his dead unnecessary. But whatever.

Thanks for reaching out. I'd say, trying to understand suffering and unhappiness is the most valuable thing we can do. Psychiatry wants us to be "happy" all the time. That's unnatural and capitalistic indoctrination.

And because we live in a very hierarchical, oppressive, alienating and highly competitive society empowering ourselves is paramount to be able to obtain more resources from our relational environments and live good lifes. If we believe that we are morally defective and broken beyond repair, hopeless, as psychiatry told us with our psychiatric diagnoses, for our suffering, pain and unhappiness, for our reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, etc, that the best we can do is to drug ourselves with its psychiatric drugs to manage our "symptoms", then we lose the self-confidence, self-respect, self-steem and moral integrity necessary to do that, to be truly happy. We must reject psychiatry then.

May 10

I remembered when I was 19-20, I was so, so desperate to have my pain, suffering, unhappiness and "insanity" validated, understood, seen, normalized, so I could feel "normal" to, "sane", and be "happy", and I tried until exhaustion, even when I was hospitalized, I keep trying even when I got out of it. I never found that moral support. I got my suffering rejected again and again, because in this soulless and cold individualistic society searching for support and validation goes against its moral system, it means breaking its rules, so you get punished. I did nothing wrong, and I was severely punished and further traumatized, revictimized. And still, I don't give up in my search for true happiness. So many things are "immoral" in my traumatized and reppresive moralistic mind, because of all the oppression that I suffered and internalized in my life.

May 10

Btw, @BaccatePlayer, all my symptoms are improving, even if I'm still in pain. I'm working on not seeing my unhappines as signs of illness or something wrong with me, but as natural and temporary until things change naturally or I make those changes myself. Why should unhappiness be a mental illness, a character flaw or moral defect? Sounds insane to me, if I think about it, in fact, thinking that happiness is human beings normal mental and emotional state is just crazy. Life simply doesn't work that way. My only symptom that I think remains is a very ugly tinitus in my left ear, also my hair keeps falling. I hope that those two symptoms improve when my stress levels go down.

I'm surprised by how many coping skills, distress tolerance and knowledge about my suffering and unhappiness I lost with Sertraline and psychiatry. I truly became dumber and weaker.

May 11

I rejected my suffering, my unhappiness, my pain, my trauma, in order to be fully "functional", "moral", "normal", "happy", to satisfy my traumatic and legitimate human and personal needs, meet social and moral expectations and live the awesome life promised by capitalism, because I saw my mental and emotional distress as obstacles to achieving all that, as moral defects, abnormal, illogical, meaningless, and my suffering consumed me. This is how my post-traumatic and moral crisis began in 2015 and that is why it still continues in 2024, more than 8 years later. Rejecting suffering only creates more suffering, because suffering is not there just to make you suffer, suffering is there to tell you how to stop the suffering, it's invaluable (raw) feedback that shows the way to real happiness. Suffering doesn't comes from suffering, it comes from what happened or happens to you. Rejecting it aggravates the pain because not only you don't acknowledge or ignore what's causing it and you can't stop it, but it becomes chronic and its intensity gets amplified. We are not bornt to be happy, we are bornt to fight for happiness, i.e. to suffer but given the choice to achieve happiness with our human mind and freedom, being aware that we all are gonna die. This is the human condition, unhappiness and the search for happiness, meaning and purpose to our existence, suffering and Life. But this insane society demands people to be "happy" all the time, hyperactive, motivated, engaged, stimulated, because that way they consume more and become more productive, being "happy" then becomes a social and moral expectation, mandatory, unnatural, fake, insane.

May 11

I'm trying to reflect on my life these days. I have so many issues and so much pain buried, and it all began in my family. That's what Sertraline did, to bury everything under this years long layer of chemical suppression. When I was 19-20 I was trying to make sense of my life, of all my pain, unhappiness, complex trauma, inner-external moral conflict and suffering, alone, maybe it wasn't the most accurate meaning framework, the one I developed to do that, but at the end of the day what I wanted and needed desperately was to have my suffering, pain, complex trauma, unhappiness and inner-external moral conflict to be normalized, seen, understood, validated, to be supported, to feel normal, moral, like a valid person, and not like a freak anymore, to be able to meet social and moral expectations and be fully "functional", to be "happy", that was the objective and need, so my meaning framework did the job, I just needed some external validation to make it fully work, to confirm that I wasn't crazy for saying and believing those things. Then psychiatry said the opposite, even if I was clearly not crazy. I never needed to bury my stuff even more, and specially not for years. If I needed Sertraline, in this ***** up society, it would had been just for a couple of months, for enough time to get out of my crisis and stabilize myself, then work on my issues again, so I could had taken this drug and stopped taking it the same year, in 2017. But no, they decided that I was forever insane and that I needed it for the rest for my life, made me emotionally and mentally weak, dumb, and physically dependant to it, addicted, these crazy bastards. I already had enough problems and confusion before the psychiatric intervention and needed to repress myself all the time to be "functional", suffering a lot, and silently, I didn't need even more, I didn't need to be even more reppressed and become an addict, to be violated, abused, traumatized and lied like that, chemically deceived and suppressed for years, I didn't need the extra suffering of withdrawal and psychiatry. I needed other's understanding, support and validation. I needed to go back to "normal" in a natural and healthy way, and it was perfectly possible, I gave everything I had to make it possible. But the system failed me, tried to suppress me, to defeat me, labelling me as insane, discriminating me, drugging me, brainwashing me. Sometimes I wonder why would I want to recover to be part of a society like this, that treated me like this when I was just a 20 yo kid that barely knew anything about life and was taken advantage of in his most vulnerable and desperate moment? Why would I? I live in fear everyday, I don't feel safe with myself, not with other people and not with family, no matter if I'm alone or not, I simply don't feel safe, psychiatry made me feel I had the devil inside with its bullsh*t and oppression. I have a lot of moral injuries. I was betrayed too many times, defeated, oppressed, people like me barely can "function" without drugging themselves, in this soulless and cold society. We are expected to be "functional" as if we weren't injuried, damaged, traumatized, beaten, and it doesn't support us, it tells us what to do to be "moral", with our without its psychiatric drugs, and I don't want to be told what to do, I'm not a robot, I'm a human being. And I have been hurt.

8 years ago I did nothing wrong, no matter what psychiatry says. I did nothing criminal. I went through a crisis that could have ended in less than two years, but instead its length is getting closer to 9 years. And I need to finish what I started. I was in crisis, not a criminal. But since my hospitalization I've been terrified to be arrested and violated again if I ever faced my issues again. That's most likely why I didn't. But I need to. I need to recover.

May 11

Maybe the worst thing of Sertraline is that I forgot how to deal with my pain, unhappiness, suffering and life ups and downs. I lost my distress tolerance and coping skills and became mentally and emotionally weak, unstable, dumb, unequipped to cope with reality. Those skills take years to develop, with develop them as we grow older, suffering and learning, so it's no joke, they're basic for survival. I lost the ability to negotiate with life and get the best of it.

At first I wanted to live my best life and to stop the (moral) suffering that then became overwhelming the more I isolated myself and stopped being "functional", the deeper I got into my crisis, because I saw my suffering as something wrong, bad, immoral, abnormal, illogical, stupid, meaningless, basically as an obstacle to achieve "happiness", i.e. to be "functional", and I rejected it, getting into a psychological shithole, into a moral loop, the more I suffered the more I rejected my suffering and the more I suffered as a result. I never received the moral support I need to achieve the first thing and I couldn't achieve the second with these criminal and retarded MH "experts" in a natural, healthy way, Sertraline was simply a chemical lie and it created much more suffering and issues in the long term because of these evil, dumbass and careless people, it never was the answer but they gave me no other choice than to take to relieve my pain with no support and understanding avaliable, in crisis.

The issue/problem of suffering, pain and unhappiness is something that I mostly never dealt with in my life, but I definitely tried my best to solve it when I was 19-20. Why the pain? Why do I suffer? Why am I unhappy? What's the meaning of it? Does it have a purpose? How can I stop it? How can I be happy and enjoy life? All these incredibly human questions became meaningless and answering them useless when I got drugged, dumbed, numbed. I simply disconnected from all this, living like a stupid robot. And then I lost my wisdom, coping skills and maturity.

And of course I became freaking addicted to Sertraline.

Trauma, addiction, loss of healthy coping skills, distress tolerance, wisdom, mental and emotional maturity and clarity, meaning, purpose and identity, brainwashing, indoctrination, chemical lobotomy, medical spellbinding, human rights violation, disempowerment... This is what psychiatry did to me, how it ***** my mind and my life.

And I rejected and feared my own pain, suffering and unhappiness even if it wasn't a good idea because in our ***** up society they're deemed as insanity, abnormality, illness, disorder, immoral. That's why. I was just trying to adjust the best I could, be "moral", "normal", "sane", survive and live my best life, i.e. to be fully "functional", like everyone else, I wanted to have the best quality of life. But I was deeply traumatized and very distressed, I had a lot of unhealed moral injuries, in crisis, so I really needed moral support to heal, to feel normal and safe again and be able to be "functional", fully. The issue is that who can obtain that moral support in an individualistic, narcissistic, oppresive, alienating, sanistic and psycho society as our? If you get into crisis, if you are in distress, if you react to your pain and suffering, if you're unhappy and deppressed/sad as a result and you show it externally, if you search for support, understanding, validation to feel better about yourself, to feel normal, valid, worthy, you break the rules, become persona non grata, annoying, disturbing for others and you're labelled and judged as morally defective, secluded, criminalized, stigmatized, discriminated, pathologized, drugged, suppressed, so you get even worse, and worse, and worse, until you are too exhausted, hurt and hopeless to do anything more about it and just submiss, you finally give up, logically. We can only take so much, we are imperfect human beings. We live in a dystopic society.

Sometimes I have very sh*tty moments where I feel very tired and I ask myself why the pain, it seems useless, meaningless. But somehow I keep going, because I'm hopeful, because at the end I believe life is worth living.

May 11

I needed to overcome my overwhelming shame and guilt, no matter how, my moral trauma, to feel "normal", "moral", and be "functional", to be "happy", to stop the pain and to enjoy life, that's why I did what I did 8 years ago. That was the objective, because you feel good with yourself when you feel moral, i.e. a valid, normal, worthy person, meeting social and moral expectations. It doesn't mean that we don't have value just being human and alive, but we are talking about having moral value, not about ethics. We are hard wired (and morally indoctrinated as well) to have our human needs meet only when we are part of the social group, that means that we need to fit in its moral, belief and value system, if not, we become "immoral" and we are rejected, so we feel sh*tty, unhappy, and suffer.

All this is not that abnormal, which is abnormal and insane is seeing unhappiness and suffering as illnesses, wrong, abnormal, immoral, disorders, insanity. That's the issue, forcing people to be "happy" all the time to be "normal", "moral", "sane", to be accepted. That's called sanism and is insane, it creates a lot of more unnecessary suffering.

Sanism is a cultural thing, reason why I couldn't accept, tolerate and give meaning to my pain, unhappiness and suffering 8 years ago, reason why I tried so hard to control them, to suppress them, why I rejected them so much, desperately. That's why I was rejected, discriminated, violated, labelled as insane, abnormal, mentally ill/disordered, immoral, and forced to disconnect from my pain, unhappiness, suffering and trauma by psychiatry, drugging, oppressing, alienating and secluding me, because while I was in crisis I was disturbing for all of the MH "experts" and everyone else, I was an anomaly, something intolerable in this sanistic society where everyone must be "happy" all the time and be inhuman.

if a person is in distress and you don't support and validate that person's suffering but you tell him that it's wrong, bad, abnormal, disordered, ill, immoral, illegal, etc, if you try to suppress that person psychologically with psychotheraphy and chemically with psychiatric drugs, how can that person experience medium or long term improvement? Sometimes even short term improvement is impossible. We are not allowed to be human anymore, just to be "functional". It seems like unhappiness, pain and suffering mean that you stop being human these days, we are not allowed to feel unhappy, to be in pain, to suffer, to find their meaning and purpose, to rest, to reprocess them, to mature, to develop mentally and emotionally.

May 11

@BaccatePlayer I still have many sh*tty moments where I suffer greatly, specially during the mornings, but my mind is for moments very collected, something that I haven't experienced in a long time, since before psychiatry. So cognitivelly I'm doing definitely better. That doesn't mean that I don't have many hopeless moments where I feel beaten by life, but I don't give up. I think we should be allowed to feel bad, unhappy, unsafe, in pain and suffer, and that we deserve to be understood, validated, seen, heard and morally supported during those normal and natural moments, but society doesn't think the same, it demands to be always "happy", to be inhuman, no not rest, to be always productive, motivated, engaged, stimulated and consuming. So our pain, suffering and unhappiness last much longer than it needs to. Even withdrawal wouldn't be that big of a deal if society would accept that sometimes people just need to slow down, reprocess their painful experiences and recover. But no. We must be superhumans, robots, all the time, something that is obviously inhuman, impossible.

May 11

Suffering, pain, trauma, unhappiness, they're not moral defects or character flaws, but normal and meaningful.

The only thing I needed to do is to feel safe and calm down, because I was deeply traumatized and distressed, with or without external support. Psychiatry made that much, much more difficult, but not completely impossible. I still can totally achieve that. I made huge progress.

I needed to accept, understand and tolerate my pain, unhappiness and suffering to overcome them, to master them, to mature mentally and emotionally and to come back to "normal". But instead I rejected them. Then I tried to find support and validation to give them closure, but it's not like that's very possible in an individualistic and sanistic society. I chose the wrong option, in desperation, because my mind was overwhelmed by moral trauma, my body stuck in fight-flight mode and I was so, so desperate to be "functional", "normal", "happy", meet social and moral expectations, satisfy my traumatic needs and rest.

May 11

The day is not over but I feel I was more collected and in charge of my inner experiences than usual. I have a huge amount of things to do to recover fully and I become very, very aware of how dumbed, weakened and disconnected I was with Sertraline. That drug changed my life. They're powerful chemicals, and I truly wish I had never taken it. I didn't needed it. I never did. At least they could had told me to take it for less than a year. Why do they have to be so retarded, ignorant and robotic, these MH "experts".

Now I understand why the call them "antideppresants". While I took Sertraline, specially during the first and second year, in 2017 and 2018, I thought that my unhappines, pain and suffering were a thing of the past, and not only that, I thought that it was the case because of my actions (while I was drugged), so I lowered down my guard and relaxed, I thought it's over, now I can move on. I felt I was doing better than ever (medical spellbinding), while drugged, but I couldn't tell that I felt like that because of the drug, no one told me how this drug worked, I had no idea what effects exactly had on me or why exactly do I had to take it. I started taking it while in crisis, at the hospital, I can't remember if before or after my "Pure O OCD" "diagnosis", I think it was before. Sertraline is actually used to "treat" "OCD", is one of those so called "first line treatments", and it actually works, short term, because the person that is taking the pills become apathetic and disconnected towards the things and painful emotions, feelings and inner experiences that triggers of the OC coping behaviors/strategies. If you're high, numbed, sedated, disconnected, "happy", there is no inner disturbance and no "dysfuntional" coping behaviors as well. It's a chemical magic trick. So that's why I suppose my psychiatrist prescribed me Sertraline, to "treat" my "OCD". What actually happened is that I disconnected, being high, numbed, sedated, chemically suppressed (and deceived), "happy", from my unhappines, moral and psychosocial suffering, complex moral trauma and inner-external conflict and psych pain, so no more OC coping behaviors/strategies. I wasn't even that "OCD" to begin with, I just had OC behaviors to have a sense of control and I was very perfeccionist to feel a sense of self-worth. Because I felt like human garbage. And my OC behaviors never were an issue for me, they became THE issue when I saw them as evil, abnormal, bad, wrong, disordered, abnormal, illogical, insane, a dangerous moral defect, etc, when I got indoctrinated and brainwashed by psychiatry insane sanistic meaning framework. Then it's when they really became a problem for me, because they made me feel ashamed, guilty, immoral, abnormal, disordered, etc. Then I tried to "fix" them, to "fix" myself, and I self-suppressed, self-gaslighted, self-obsessed, I feared myself, deeply, I feared them. And I only reinforced the toxic and false idea that I was defective. This is why psychiatry is so ***** up, so insidious. I became weaker and weaker, dumber and dumber. And I lost my distress tolerance, coping skills, etc. I couldn't deal with my trauma, pain, suffering and unhappiness anymore, I didn't know how, I had lost that knowledge, I couldn't understand them. Psychiatry incapacitated me. Then that narcissistic woman in 2020 used sanism and my moral injuries during her narcissistic abuse to discard me, just when I was reconnecting with the devastating moral damage of my psychiatric intervention and my previous unhealed moral injuries, just when I was coming out of my Sertraline cruel chemical lie and expected her to give me affection and support to recover. That's why I actually stopped taking Sertraline again in August 2020, because I believed she was on my side, that she really cared about me, but she didn't, she had used and scammed me. She reopened all those wounds in the worst possible way, at the worst possible moment. And of course I got overwhelmed, and I ran again to psychiatry and the MH "experts" searching for emotional validation, answers and moral support, only to feel even more immoral, unsafe and defective. And I felt so unsafe. And I forgot my original issues, I stopped understanding my pain, suffering, trauma, unhappiness, feelings and emotions, I lost myself.

The issue is that while you are uncaressly, unknowngly and "happy(ly)" taking the pills, your body is becoming dependant to it, developing tolerance, and your original issues never went away, furthermore, you forget them and lowered down your guard, lost your coping skills and distress tolerance, so when you stop taking the pills... BAM! Withdrawal happens and your issues come back, then the MH "experts" tell you that you're suffering "rebound effect" or having a "relapse". Congratulations, you're now a chronic psychiatric patient, chronically "mentally ill" as psychiatry says, you can't go back. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then you can't be stable without the drugs, because of withdrawal and lack of psychological tools and understanding to deal with your original problems, suffering, pain, trauma, unhappiness. Of course the MH system/industry is not there to support you with your pain, suffering and unhappiness, but to judge you, to suppress you and to make you go back to "normal", so don't expect it to help you to recover fully. For psychiatry we are all hopeless, chronically defective, broken beyond repair and damned to spend the rest of our lives drugged, sedated, suppressed and controlled.

I have a huge amount of things to do empower myself and take back control over my life. I need self-steem for that.

May 11

I'm definitely getting into my core issues, the ones that psychiatry and Sertraline prevented me from solving.

Drugs are drugs, if to "function" in society, to meet social and moral expectations and standards, you need to drug yourself/be drugged, man, that society ******* sucks, it's soulless, dehumanized, dettached, cold, and a shithole.

I just needed moral support to feel safe, calm down, recover and be fully "functional". But they thought I was mentally ill, abnormal, insane and weak, for behaving the way I did, for rejecting individualism in order to do that. Psychiatry's morally bankrupt and intellectually retarded, and it is that way because its total lack of critical thinking. I barely can believe that adults treated me like they did.

The more I look at my drugged self the less I know him.

May 11

I stopped understanding the origin of my suffering, pain and unhappiness with Sertraline and insane psychiatry. It really was a perfect storm. I remember that I was very, very hopeless at the hospital because of the inhumanity and stupidity of psychiatry, because of the violation of my human rights even more traumatized than before being locked down, but then I got drugged and became "happy", fully believing the chemical deception of Sertraline, until it came to and end to my surprise and with the unexpected event of withdrawal, by then I had lost all my coping skills and distress tolerance, and couldn't make sense of my difficult and overwhelming inner experience, pain, suffering, trauma and unhappiness, everything came back at once and I was unequipped to deal with it, and at the same time I was fully immersed in this abusive narcissistic relationship, its discarding phase coinciding with withdrawal, I had never experienced a narcissistic relationship before in my life so she totally scammed and confused me, in fact I stopped taking Sertraline because I thought I had her affection and support to get over the "rebound effect" my psychiatrist told me about, I thought not a big deal if she is there to support me, if I have her affection, I had no idea what a lovebombing was and she tricked me completely, so my mind was absolutely overwhelmed and unable to make sense of what was happening, one the one hand Sertraline chemical deception and cruel lie was ending quickly and on the other hand this woman's lovebombing also came to an end, and I couldn't not understand nor accept that both her affection and Sertraline reality were a lie, a scam, that I had been abused and betrayed like that by people that were supposed to take care of me, both while I was in crisis, and then the MH system/industry was totally useless and just reinforced the insidious idea that I was morally defective, to make things even worse my parents became very controlling and crazy abusive because I had become unstable again and they didn't let me calm down, they make all this a lot worse, it all combined was too much, I couldn't recover, who could had had like that?

May 11

I just wanted my suffering and pain to be seen, understood, validated, normalized, like everyone else.

This is what I left undone. Psychiatry broke my spirit and morale, turn down my passion, defeated me, brainwashed and indoctrinated me at the hospital to make me feel that I was the enemy, that I acted criminal, insane, and that I basically had the devil inside, a moral demon called "Pure O OCD" and reason why I had lost control and behaved like that (in reality I was simply in crisis due to all my unprocessed moral trauma), because I had been possesed by it, by something dangerous, incomprehensible, meaningless and uncontrollable, so I stopped searching for that support the way I needed to, the pain after experiencing that much inhumanity and stupidity was unbearable and I was terrified of being arrested and revictimized by psychiatry if I ever tried to face my issues again and got into crisis. Sertraline just confused and deceived me and my brain and withdrawal did it even more, made me forget everything so I couldn't understand anything anymore. I had lost my inner compass, and I lost myself, I was completely lost, beaten.

My quality of life depends of finding that support. Yeah. And it's not wrong to search for that, expect in a ***** up dehumanized and soulless individualistic and narcissistic society like ours, where it means breaking its toxic rules.

That's what I felt undone. I never found that support.

The last time I honest tried to find it was with this narcissistic woman, scammer, abuser, but she revictimized me inflicting me a devastating moral injury and make me relapse in my hopeless and defenseless traumatized mental and emotional state, totally overwhelmed by the pain. And I shut down. **** her. I didn't deserve that.

I did nothing wrong for what I did other than being disturbing to my family and those robotic MH "experts", and I was criminalized and victimized, suppressed, and I was terrified of ever searching for that support again, for fear being abused like that again, revictimized, violated.

That moral support means human connection, and what are humans without human connection? Basically individualistic beasts, dettached from each other.

That need for moral support and human connection is my nature, who I am, and psychiatry pathologized and criminalized it, messing with my personal identity. Then Sertraline, its withdrawal and that awful woman made me impossible to meet that need because I was too overwhelmed by my pain, too hurt to keep searching, I felt too immoral, too criminal, too traumatized, too inhuman.

May 12

This search for moral support, acceptance, human connection and community almost became meaningless while I was chemically suppressed, lobotomized and disconnected by Sertraline, it all stopped making sense, it made me feel that psychiatry was right and that I had lost my mind, become insane, because all my actions while I was isolated during that year and half and at the hospital seemed illogical, it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy, with Sertraline I truly saw things the way psychiatry did: meaningless, nihilistic, hopeless, simplistic, mediocre, unintelligent. That's the "normalcy" that psychiatry brought me back to with Sertraline, to help me see things the "right" way, to make me come back to "reality", and to "fix" me and my "cognitive distortion", to become "sane", they used Sertraline at the hospital to chemically alter my brain and confuse my mind and "help" me "realize" that I was "insane" as they said, and at the end they achieved it, because of how traumatized, overwhelmed, confused, lost and desperate I was trying to ease my excruciating moral suffering. I truly believe I was close to madness due to my amount of psych pain and total lack of support.

But the biggest issue in my life, and it has been for a long time, many years before my psychiatric intervention, is that I feel morally defective, deeply flawed, inhuman, because I'm deeply traumatized. Psychiatry only reinforced it just when I was trying to feel part of humanity again, normal, fully human, sane, moral, valid.

I needed moral support and emotional validation, understand, etc, to normalize my suffering and difficult inner experiences, my postraumatic reactions, my feelings and emotions, etc, to feel safe and calm down, to go back to "normal", but no one made me feel safe specially insane psychiatry and that awful narcissistic woman, in both cases the did the worst possible thing in the worst possible moment, while in I was in crisis and extremely vulnerable, feeling very unsafe already, overwhelmed.

I need to feel safe and calm down, to survive, to live well.

May 12

That woman and psychiatry made me feel extremely unsafe, just the opposite of what I needed to calm down, because they made me feel like a dangerous, insane criminal, out of control, possessed, projecting their bullsh*t over me, when I was crisis and extremely vulnerable, desperately needing to be validated, seen.

May 12

The moment I shut down and stop searching for moral support, understanding, emotional validation and human connection my quality of life went down the toilet, because of both psychiatry and that horrible woman terrible moral abuse, because of them made me feel that I was a dangerous, unstable and insane criminal that had gone crazy and did immoral, crazy and abnormal things or was extremely close too, making me feel morally defective, awful, and all of that while I was in crisis, not insane, crazy, extremely vulnerable, confused, overwhelmed, feeling incredible unsafe, and actively and desperately searching for that support, understanding, validation, compassion, to have my pain and "insanity" seen and understood, validated, normalized, only to be oppressed, criminalized, alienated and betrayed. They both really ***** with my mind and already existing and complex, and excruciating moral trauma, that woman's devastating narcissistic abuse specially happened when I was coming out abruptly of the cruel lie of the Sertraline chemical deception and fake reality, being very, very overwhelmed mentally and emotionally, and confused, not being able to understand anything, not her narcissistic scam, not my Sertraline chemical scam and psychiatry terrifying abuse and betrayal, and all this happening at once. They both inflicted incapacitating moral injuries to me and destroyed my moral integrity, sense of self-worth, my self-image, self-steem and self-confidence. No one ever understood that damage. It shattered my personal identity, I didn't know who I was anymore, I lost myself. Then my family stomped over the one million pieces of my scattered identity. I had no moral integrity anymore. My life's puzzle was also all destroyed. Psychiatry made me feel that all my internal and external experience, my suffering, my reactions, my emotions and feelings, my thoughts, my beliefs, my needs, that everything was madness, inhuman, absurd, meaningless. I was never allowed to feel my intense feelings, emotions and pain.

I took Sertraline for far too long and I started taking it while I was in accute crisis, and I had been in crisis for a year and half by that time so my mind was already messy. Then I stopped taking it after 3+ years and withdrawal happened plus my crisis which resumed (I "relapsed"). I could had gone mad because of the abuse that I was experiencing and that I already experienced, excruciating feelings and emotions and overwhelming mental confusion. But I didn't, even if I suffered greatly. Doctors never knew what the hell was happening to me, yet they wanted me to accept and confess at the hospital that I had gone insane because I had been possesed by this "Pure O OCD" "moral demon", I never really believed that until that narcissistic relationship discarding phase happened and withdrawal, and I was trying to desperately save it, so in desperation, with my fake Sertraline mental and emotional stability destroyed in one thousand pieces, I remembered my "diagnosis" and thought maybe I lost control because of my "OCD" as psychiatry said at the hospital, i.e. maybe I've been "possesed" by this thing, so all this chaos in our relationship is not my fault or hers, but this thing's fault and the relationship can be fixed, saved. Then that awfully abusive woman used my diagnosis and sanism to finally discard me making me look like an insane and out of control criminal very close to commiting a crime. This happened because these psychiatric "diagnoses" and labels are pure sanism and because she was a piece of ****, so I gave her the perfect excuse.

May 12

I've disconnected from life for too many years, even before my psychiatric intervention. Sertraline and psychiatry only aggravated that disconnection, chemically and psychologically. In fact, when I was 19-20 I was trying to reconnect with life, to feel part of humanity again. I know for certain that not being allowed to feel my pain, unhappiness, suffering, emotions, feelings and safe had a devastating impact in my life, and with psychiatry only got worse, and I disconnected much more than I already was.

May 12

I just needed to feel SAFE so I could calm down and return to a state of rest, to return to "normal." That's why I isolated myself, trying to avoid my shame/moral/trauma/emotional triggers. But they didn't let me. They made me feel that I was absolutely criminal and immoral for what I did, that I had become crazy, insane, and that I had been possessed by the devil, which is why I had lost my mind and control, that I had the devil inside me and that his name was "Pure OCD," so I could never calm down no matter how hard I tried, trying to expel my moral demon from within me, with the result of reinforcing the insidious notion that there was something wrong with me, that I was morally defective, so I felt even more unsafe with myself and the rest of the people.

Psychiatry is truly insane. I can't be believe this is real.

May 12

I realize now that when I was 19-20 I was trying to free myself from the moral reppression of my life, in my own way, to be fully "functional", "happy", and enjoy life, and I tried and tried, until psychiatry sabotaged me in the worst possible way, then its brainwashing, moral indoctrination and Sertraline all became another thick layer of reppression, tools of control that psychiatry used to submiss me. Then when I stopped taking the pills, during the discarding phase of that awful narcissistic relationship, this woman also ended up reppressing me. Too much moral damage, betrayals and abandonment shut me down, and lacking moral support my recovery, which is always a moral recovery, has been excruciatingly slow, plus the setback of withdrawal. I was totally disempowered and lacked the psychological tools and knowledge to face all this, I had lost them and I was still in crisis. But this madness and reppression is coming to an end. I feel it. I'm becoming stronger each passing day.

It's simply perverse that we all just want to be "normal" and "functional" and psychiatry labels us insane and drug us, sometimes even for life. It's harmful and stupid, evil.

I wanted to stop my excrutiating moral suffering, to free myself from my extreme, tyrannical and postraumatic moral identity and moral consciousness, to be free and take control of my life, to be able to be fully "functional", meet social and moral expectations and be "happy", but I didn't know how because I didn't have that knowledge. And instead of being helped to obtain it and supported morally by psychiatry I was labelled as insane and chemically and psychologically suppressed for years.

I wasn't even allowed to feel my pain, to be in distress, I was deprived of my authentic self. I was unsupported.

My pain, my suffering, my unhappines, my distress, they're not moral defects, just dangerous if I show them to others in this sanistic, narcissistic, individualistic, cold and heartless society, incapable of true empathy, psycho.

I want and wanted te be free 8 years ago. And I'll be free.

May 12

No moral integrity, no social resilience, no self-steem, no self-confidence, no sense of safety, you can not be "functional" nor enjoy life. And psychiatry and that woman both blew up my moral integrity. It can be repaired, of course, but it's not easy and I didn't even know what was wrong. My moral damage was pure havoc. Somehow, I'm doing better, after years of suffering and confusion, I never really gave up, and I'm truly feeling better, with my constant ups and downs, I feel it's speeding up, I feel more integrated, more myself, normal, stronger and wiser.

We all want to go back to "normal" as soon as possible but we have to learn how to do that, how to manage our suffering, to understand it, to accept it, to tolerate it, to master it, being withdrawal the sole source of that suffering or just one more layer of it. The issues with these drugs is not just addiction and withdrawal but that we lose coping skills and distress tolerance, so our pain becomes unbearable as well. We need to learn how to stabilize and time to do it. Having support and validation is part of that process, probably the most important part.

Today I'm having lots of mental clarity, which is a very good sign of recovery but also painful because I see more clearly how many things went wrong all over these years.

May 12

First I need to completely recover my moral integrity, then rebuild my life, both have been shattered over the years.

May 13

To be suffering and unhappy is not a character flaw.

May 13

I think I need to go through my pain, suffering and unhappiness once for all. To feel everything, to not reject them anymore. I've been rejecting them for years, just to be "normal" and "funcional", "happy", to avoid sanism. But I need to feel them, to reprocess them, to normalize them. This is something totally new for me. But really need to. My difficult and painful feelings and emotions terrify me, for they always have been very distressing, confusing and dangerous, because they made me vulnerable to abuse, that's the truth, starting in my family, so I reppressed them, to protect myself, until they became disabling. So I need to normalize my inner experiences to stabilize.

May 13

I'm feeling more stable today, more in control, more integrated, stronger. The mornings are very sh*tty moments, tho, where I feel like ****. I'm having more inner peace, understanding my life better and better, my past and present actions as well as my own inner experiences and mental states. I never could be really stable while I took Sertraline because I was still in crisis, and I understand now that when I resumed taking it in April 2020, 4 years ago, I stabilized a bit but that's all.

May 13

I suffered so much because of psychiatry. Tbh, I don't know how I didn't become crazy due to the pain. It was so overwhelming, my suffering, crazy-making. I feel like this month I could be stable enough to go back to "normal" life, even if slowly, but who knows, just what I feel. I had to escape from the MH system/industry to truly start recovering and rebuilding my moral integrity and self-steem, because it's sickening. Really insane. I need to stabilize myself, mentally and emotionally, once for all,

May 13

I had so many layers of trauma, oppression and moral injuries chemically and psychologically suppressed, I feel like I'm getting closer to the core layers. I still have them. It's a huge amount of moral damage, that I've been accumulating my whole life, reppressing, to be "functional", "normal", in a soulless and psycho society, that's what is at the core layers, because I never had the moral support I needed to overcome my trauma and heal.

I think each passing day I have more insight over my life than I ever had for many years. And the betrayals and abuse that I suffered become so clear. The grieving is very intense. I feel more mature and collected, I'm accepting that life isn't fair. I also want justice but I don't think it's that possible. I'm very, very hurt, very damaged.

There is so much moral damage/suffering a person can withstand before shutting down or engaging in "dysfuntional" coping strategies, and I did years ago.

Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

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