Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

The reason why I couldn't figure all this out before is because the psychiatric intervention traumatized so much that it made me dissociate, i.e. to disconnect psychologically, emotionally, and at the same time it made me disconnect chemically, with Sertraline. The psychiatric trauma of the psychiatric intervention made me terrified of trying to face the painful truth and fix my moral issues ever again, because of the fear of being arrested, incarcelated and revictimized again by psychiatry, and with it came the psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, which confused and misleaded me so much, intoxicating my metacognition, making me feel absolutely immoral. So to be able to fix my moral issues and moral inner-external conflict, the source of my psychiatric "symptoms" ("dysfuntional" coping strategies, behaviors, thoughts feelings, emotions, reactions, etc) and inner disturbance/tension, of my moral suffering, I needed to, first of all, overcome my psychiatric trauma, the psychological/emotional dissociation, the Sertraline chemical deception and the psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, and at the same time my dysfuntional family situation needed to change, which finally did when my father died, sadly. Behind all this was and is my moral issues, my real and original problems, that psychiatry completely ignored, made me disconnect from chemically and psychologically and totally forget about. I needed to reconnect with my moral issues, to identify/rediscover them and understand them again, which I didn't want to do again after the chemical deception of Sertraline because all this is moral trauma is extremely painful and the last time I tried to face it and heal it it ended horribly wrong. So, for all these reasons, and lacking the external emotional validation, understanding and moral support to do all this, being all by myself to do it, to solve it, it took me so long and it was so difficult. Because it was already complex and overwhelming before psychiatry, but after psychiatry it was and is next level. This is why I just couldn't "move on", because my moral trauma was and is simply unbearable and no one ever understood it nor supposed me the way I needed to.

[Gonzo]

I think I'm simply in shock after everything I've been experiencing, overwhelmed, dissociating, psychologically, emotionally, because of the trauma, I've been like this for a long time, during and before the psychiatric intervention, during that postraumatic and moral crisis, maybe even before it begun, but no one ever understood or noticed it, how bad I really was. That's part of the chemical deception of Sertraline, what Peter Breggin calls medicall spellbinding.

 

 

To pathologize and drug a deeply traumatized person without even acknowledging/identifying his trauma is just cruel, inhumane, and it happens everyday with psychiatry all over the world, because psychiatry doesn't care nor understand about trauma, how it works, how it manifests, how it develops, how to heal it, etc.

 

There is a point when the suffered trauma is simply too much, too overwhelming, and we disconnect to protect ourselves from the painful truth, from the unbearable psych pain, we dissociate, to survive, specially when we lack the emotional and moral support we need to reprocess all the trauma/postraumatic stress and feel safe again. The problem is when this emotional/psychological dissociation becomes normal and not just a temporary mental and emotional state, it's when the trauma dominates you, possess you, without even realizing it, then, once we are so deeply disconnected and terrified, everything, including "dysfuntional" coping strategies, can stop making sense and seem illogical, meaningles, stupid, absurd. My moral trauma reached this point of becoming my new normal long, long ago, no matter how much I tried to avoid it and wanted to heal. I've been trapped in this postraumatic madness, in this trauma based mental and emotional state, for far too long already.

 

I think deeply traumatized people, suffering from C-PTS"D" will understand. It's layer after layer after layer of trauma and dissociation.

 

The sadness, the fear, terror, and grief that I experience are deep.

 

I really wanted to overcome my complex, moral trauma when I was 19-20. I really did. Still do. That psychiatry event just f*cked up my trauma and aggravated it so much, it's what happens when you're already deeply traumatized and you get so brutally oppressed, alienated and revictimized by something or someone much, much powerful than you, you get crushed.

 

Psychiatry has been my worst oppressor, by far, it was just brutal, savage.

 

Maybe the hardest thing about trauma is getting confortable with the idea of facing the pain and painful truth.

 

I couldn't move on because I felt so immoral, because of my overwhelming moral trauma/issues, and I knew that I needed to overcome all that to become a fully "functional" person and be able to enjoy life in this society, I just didn't receive the help I needed to do that, even if I gave everything I had to heal my moral trauma and overcome my moral issues and stop moral suffering, psychiatry and other people sabotaged me when I was the most vulnerable.

 

Sometimes I wonder how I didn't loose completely my mind and became totally psychotic.

 

Sertraline made me impossible and unnecessary to face and overcome all this, all my moral issues and conflict.

 

It's not just withdrawal.

[BaccatePlayer]

31 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Sometimes I wonder how I didn't loose completely my mind and became totally psychotic.

Exactly what I relate to. This is a very good job you're doing here to promote bigger awareness. Thank you for that!

[Gonzo]

I could never rest and recover because I never solved my moral issues, the source of my inner disturbance and tension, of my psychosocial problems, obstacles and "dysfunctionality".

 

When I took Sertraline I disconnected from my moral feelings and emotions that I needed to sort out to develop and grow up as a person and to be able to move foward in my life. I didn't want nor needed to disconnect, I wanted and needed to overcome all my moral issues and my moral conflict and stop my moral suffering, I wanted to live a better life, not to get drugged, but psychiatry didn't give a **** and no one ever understood me.

[Gonzo]

I reconnected with my unresolved moral conflict the moment I stopped taking the pills and my true emotions and feelings came back. I still need to solve it to have inner peace.

 

Personal moral conflicts are part of the human condition and nature, they're usually painful, overwhelming, complex and difficult to comprehend and have many different ways to manifest, they're conflict of interests between what we want and need to do and what our relational environment demands/commands us to do, psychiatry doesn't have the tools to solve and make sense of people's moral conflicts, it doesn't even acknowledge them, are all it does is to pathologize, stigmatize and suppress people's reactions to these with chemical and psychological "treatments".

 

Sorting out moral conflicts takes time and effort until a resolution is achieved, when we are chemically and psychologically suppressed and disconnected, oppressed, alienated, is simply impossible to do it, we become stuck in the excruciating mental and emotional state distinctive of these moral conflicts.

 

Psychiatry makes people unable to solve their moral conflicts in multiple ways, forcing them to disconnect (even more), it makes people regress, so their moral issues, moral suffering, traumas and excruciating mental and emotional states and reactions become chronic "conditions", the trauma gets stuck in the mind and body, as it was and is my case, in fact, I had a very hard time accepting that I actually had lost all my progress, when the Sertraline chemical deception ended.

 

The MH system/industrial complex doesn't help us to solve our moral conflicts and meet our needs, it just suppress us. That is the painful truth.

 

I need to solve my moral conflict.

[Gonzo]

I need to convince myself that I'm not an immoral person, on my own. Most people don't understand my moral stuff and psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology don't challenge prevailing moral systems and don't get into moral conflicts and traumas, even if they're the main source of psychiatric "symptoms", so naturally they don't really offer moral support to people.There is no help to be found in the MH system/industrial complex regarding these complex and painful moral issues. They just treat their "symptoms" as if they're meaningless, illogical, useless and disconnected from any logical meaning. We are alone to do all this, maybe we can support each other in order to relieve the excruciating psych pain, in a natural and healthy way, but that's it, for the most part we are on our own to find closure for these moral subjects and traumas, specially because they're typically of a very personal nature. I got completely absorbed into this moral trauma vortex, because of the psychiatric intervention. Pain is part of the process to overcome all this, is unavoidable, but sometimes you just can't bear it, I remember at the hospital, I was so exhausted, I just can't describe it, so incredibly exhausted, depleted, it's like a physical, moral and spiritual exhaustion, and I tried, and tried to find closure, to end the moral suffering, but sometimes the help and support we need to do it simply does not happen, and the pain becomes too much, psychiatry morally destroyed me and my morale when I was the most vulnerable, and I was so close to do find closure, I just lacked moral support, then the psychiatric debacle followed and everything went downhill, I just couldn't stand my moral emotions, feelings, conflict and trauma anymore, it overwhelmed me. At least I finally know what is all this about, I reconnected with my real life problems, and no one will confuse me ever again.

[Gonzo]

I was so disconnected, because of trauma and Sertraline, from my true and painful feelings and emotions, from my moral trauma and conflict, from my real life problems, from reality, from life.

 

I never wanted to run away from my moral issues, I wanted to overcome them, but psychiatry forced to me do disconnect from them, so I ended up totally forgetting them after years being chemically deceived and disconnected. Psychiatry pathologized, stigmatized, alienated, shamed, victim-blamed, oppressed, drugged and victimized me for my behaviors and reactions to my overwhelming moral suffering, trauma and conflict, when I was the most vulnerable and most needed needed to be helped, in the most critical point of my life, that's what happened to me.

 

I just realized that everything is immoral in my mind, because my mind it's possessed by my trauma-based, crazy-making and tyrannical moral identity, that projects what happened to me all over the place, all the time, inside and outside of me, obviously psychiatry made all this worse, making me feel absolutely immoral for trying to meet my traumatic needs, empower myself, face my moral conflict and issues and be an independent person, and drugging me, suppressing me, oppressing me, revictimizing me.

 

This is the moral trauma I've been refering to.

 

At the end of the day, it's all moral stuff, complex, painful and overwhelming. This is the stuff I need to deal with, to heal and overcome my psychosocial problems, but the closer I get the more painful and deppressing it is.

 

I think I would had resolved things then had p$ychiatry not led me astray and worsened my moral condition.

[Gonzo]

All my trauma responses and reactions to my moral trauma were pathologized by psychiatry.

 

I think my withdrawal "waves" have been basically waves of the overwhelming and excruciating postraumatic moral feelings and emotions coming from my unprocessed and complex trauma that Sertraline and psychiatry made me disconnect from.

[Gonzo]

If the MH system/industry really wanted me to be "functional" it should had supported me instead of judging and drugging me and abandon me with my issues.

 

My psychosocial "dysfunctionality" is my moral trauma and conflict, had I been morally supported and helped to sort all this out I wouldn't be "dysfunctional" now.

 

My withdrawal chaos and psychosocial symptoms have been my unresolved and aggravated by psychiatry original moral issues multiplied in intensity by 1000.

 

Everything is related to it, to my moral issues, such as my OC behaviors, that are a coping mechanism for that, a "symptom", that psychiatry pathologized, this **** is deep, but I got this, for real this time, the saddest thing is that we really have to do all this alone, that we can only count on ourselves, because people are dangerous for our healing and recovery process, specially MH "experts".

[Gonzo]

No matter how much I need and want other people to support, understand, validate and help me it's better for me to accept that it's not going to happen, I must accept that I only can count on myself to end my recovery and healing journey.

 

8 years ago I was searching for the meaning of my moral suffering and solutions for it, to understand and relieve it, I needed and tried to overcome my moral and post-traumatic emotions and feelings, my moral trauma and post-traumatic, tyrannical, paralyzing and crazy-making moral identity, on my own, but I was so overwhelmed that I started looking for external emotional validation and moral support and that's when things got really ugly for me.

 

Psychiatry labelled my "dysfunctional" coping strategies and reactions to my moral trauma, suffering, and internal-external conflict as immoral without even identifying it, and aggravating it, adding even more layers of forbbiden behaviors and trauma to my already complex, difficult to understand and excruciating moral trauma and moral conflict.

 

I had to suffer so much to be able to comprehend and identify my moral conflict, trauma and suffering after the psychiatric intervention and Sertraline.

 

I couldn't enjoy life even before psychiatry because everything was immoral for my traumatized mind and triggering, I always felt guilty and ashamed, for anything. And I was ******* tired of that horrible feeling. Truth is I had a very bad foundation for my moral identity and that's from where a lot if not most of my psychosocial issues come from.

 

I think I got this. I found the meaning I was desperately searching for.

 

Yeah, everything will be okay.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was trying to prove to myself and others that I was not an IMMORAL person, but rather a MORAL and LEGITIMATE person, I was trying to prove my LEGITIMACY.

 

No one ever understood my moral conflict and trauma, and all the insight I had was gone since the psychiatric intervention, which aggravated it inmensely instead of helping me to solve it, then I forgot everything, and it possessed me, silently, while I was completely disconnected, unaware, drugged, confused, deeply traumatized, chemically deceived, suppressed, specially during the nightmarish chaos of withdrawal, when I suddenly reconnected with my moral conflict and trauma and it dominated me once more, and that's when I forgot who I really was and I tried to be morally perfect (obsessive-compulsive perfectionism=moral perfectionism), instead of just trying to be myself.

 

But now I remember, and I understand more than I ever did in the past.

 

I'll find closure and peace.

[Gonzo]

Sertraline (and later that narcissistic abusive woman) was the only thing that contained and made my moral trauma and moral suffering bearable (suppressing it chemically).

 

My life for the past 8+ years has been dedicated to contain one way or another this moral suffering, to fight it, to "fix" it, but while I was drugged it was impossible to overcome it, so when I stopped taking Sertraline I had the oportunity to do it again, even if withdrawal and that narcissistic emotionally abusive relationship happened.

 

Psychiatry trapped me in my horrible moral conflict.

 

It's gonna take a while to heal my moral injuries, to challenge my corrupted personal moral system, rebuild my trauma-based, crazy-making and tyrannical moral identity and overcome my excruciating moral trauma, the source of my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", but I'll do it.

[Gonzo]

I think I pretty much sorted out most of my issues at this point, but I still need moral support, to find closure for my moral trauma and conflict. I have a long way to go tho.

 

One thing I want to make very clear, and it's the reason why psychiatry, as in many cases, was so incredibly damaging for me.

 

8 years ago, I more or less became aware of my moral conflict and trauma, this happened because I was trying to comprehend where my emotional (moral) suffering was coming from, to stop it and become a fully "functional" person, i.e. a "moral", "normal", "sane", "valid", "worthy" person, to fit in my relational environment (capitalistic, narcissistic, individualistic) and be successful in it.  Then, I faced my moral issues, trauma and conflict, mostly on my own, but I searched for moral support and external emotional validation as well. This was extraordinary because I gather up the courage to face my (moral) inner demons, which is painful, overwhelming and terrifying for anyone. But I did it. I wanted to overcome my moral trauma and excruciating, crazy-making, trauma-based and tyrannical moral identity once for all. I wanted to be free from all that horrible (moral) suffering, to move foward in my life, to evolve and grow up as a person, to develop. I did what I could, the best I knew how, to achieve my objectives and meet my traumatic needs, but things got worse, because I was alone immersed in my postraumatic and moral crisis, no one understood me. Then the psychiatric intervention happened and not only didn't acknowledge my (moral) trauma and moral conflict, much less (morally) support me, it deeply traumatized me, forcing me to disconnect psychologically, because of the overwhelming psychiatric trauma, and it forced me to disconnect chemically. It brutally victimized me when I was the most vulnerable and in dear need of help. It forced me to regress, to disconnect from my moral trauma, moral suffering, and moral conflict, it confused me, misleaded me, and told me I was broken beyond repair, that I needed to take that f*ucking drug for the rest of my life, it indoctrinated me and intoxicated with its poisonous ideas, it made me forget everything, all my moral issues, and terrified of ever trying to fix them again. Because they were fixable, and my psychiatric "symptoms" were coming from those fixable moral issues, so they're fixable as well, NOT a chronic condition. Psychiatry sabotaged me, it halted my personal growth and development, when I was at my peak, even if extremely distressed. I just needed to be morally supported, validated, understood, to connect with others, human connection, to find closure for my moral trauma and conflict. It not only didn't help me to overcome my moral issues, it aggravated and complicated them, it added even more layers, because it's careless, it lacks empathy, wisdom, humanity. You simply don't morally judge, drug and suppress people that desperately need to be emotionally and morally supported and helped, understood, heard, seen.

 

What happens many, many times with psychiatric drugs, when they work "well", is that people forget about their real problems and its causes if they ever knew them, and not for a short amount of time like when you get drunk, but for years, then they stop taking the drugs and come back to a reality that they forgot it existed, sometimes terrifying, specially combined with withdrawal, and they, logically, panick, unable to understand their experiences and completely overwhelmed, it's when the psychiatric "symptoms" come back, when they're told that they have chronic "conditions" and that they have to be drugged forever.

 

I'm not an immoral, "mentally ill/disordered" nor crazy person.

 

And f*ck psychiatry.

[Gonzo]

My moral conflict blew up when I was 19-20 years old in an unavoidable way, in the form of my postraumatic and moral crisis, I had too much unprocessed and accumulated trauma and too many traumatic needs. It was critical point of my life.

 

That's what I disconnected from because of psychiatry, psychologically and chemically, without having found closure.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I wanted and needed to heal my MORAL TRAUMA and find closure to my MORAL CONFLICT once and for all, I was trying to find inner peace, to enjoy life and to survive in this society, because my moral issues always caused me a lot of psychosocial "dysfunctionality" and at this point was simply unbearable, it had too many layers, it was a emotional and mental torture and a psychological obstacle that I needed to overcome. Then years after the psychiatric intervention and after years of Sertraline abuse withdrawal happened, mora trauma layers were added to all that and withdrawal brought me back to my forgotten and unresolved moral conflict. 

 

I need to face my moral trauma and conflict once more.

[Gonzo]

The "ataraxia" that I experienced when I was 16, the calmness, serenity, calm, tranquility, inner peace and internal imperturbability, happened for a short period of time, right after I finished highschool, when I stopped being dominated by my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity and not possessed by my traumatic needs, when I begun feeling like a MORAL, NORMAL, VALID, WORTHY person, I felt that I had finally been successful in my life, that I had achieved something significant, that I was a VALUABLE person, that I had VALUE, for a time I had self-esteem, I had never felt like that before in my life, totally moral, feeling good about myself, feeling self-steem, and I tried to preserve that feeling as long as I could, avoiding trauma/shame/moral triggers and to replicate it later, without ever fully understanding it, and without achieving it, having felt immoral almost all my life and trying to avoid feeling "like that", immoral, ever again, at all costs, as long as I could, until psychiatry sabotaged my attempt to overcome my moral conflict and trauma once and for all and turned my unbearable "immoral" mental and emotional state and my post-traumatic and moral crisis into a chronic "condition".

 

My 2015 postraumatic and moral crisis brought back a lot of unprocessed trauma and stuff, things from my past trauma, that's why it was so distressing to me, and withdrawal did the same thing, when I stopped taking Sertraline and the chemical deception/medical spellbinding came to an end. The trauma was actually in the past, for the most part, but it felt like it was happening all over again in the present, I had overwhelming moral/trauma/shame triggers, flashbacks everywhere, all the time, indiscriminately, it was as if my traumatic past were hijacking my present, it felt anachronic, out of time and place. It was a crazy-making postraumatic cognitive dissonance. To me it was as if I had to fight the same traumatically things all over again, things that I thought were finally in the past, and they actually were, but my overwhelming postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions were screaming the opposite to me. Both my overwhelming personal crisis and withdrawal brought me back to a fight that I thought was over, and it really was, I was actually fighting my inner demons, the post-trauma ghosts. So I isolated myself to fix all this. It was really overwhelmingly confusing, painful and extremely difficult to understand, for me and others. This is why Sertraline was so harmful for me, it chemically deceived me, and why its withdrawal was retraumazating.

 

I didn't want my moral identity, conflict and trauma to hijack my mind, my life, my present and myself ever again, I wanted to be free from its dangers once for all. My biggest fear was to be trapped again in that nightmarish mental and emotional state, in that psychological hell, disconnected from my true self and life, feeling like an hostage in my own body and mind.

 

The last time I was truly connected with myself, with my real self, I was 16, almost 12 years ago at this point. But I've never been more disconnected than when I was drugged. Since the psychiatric intervention I've been running away from my from my excruciating moral suffering and psych pain, psychiatry gave me no other choice, it forced me to do so, even if I did something extraordinary when I was 19, gathering up the courage to face my inner moral demons, my moral identity and moral conflict, my suffering and pain, alone, without external help and support, hoping to understand and overcome it once for all.

 

Since then, I've been possesed, hijacked, by my postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity, trapped in a never ending moral conflict, not because I was weak, but because I never had the support I needed to overcome all this, heal and find closure for my moral trauma.

 

I was everything but a weak person as psychiatry said, in fact, it never understood how strong and brave I really was and never helped me to deal with my moral issues and find peace, it simply oppressed and drugged me.

 

I never had this understanding and clear insight of my issues and experiences ever before in my life.

 

Truth is, only pain and suffering brought me back and made me reconnect with the painful truth and reality that I need to face and overcome, with my true, legitimate, deepest and traumatic needs, that I needed and still need to meet, and with my true and painful feelings and emotions.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry never understood how strong, sane and brave I really was and never helped me to deal with my moral issues, to become a fully "functional" person and find peace, it simply oppressed and drugged me. When you judge, oppress, alienate, victimize, drug and suppress people don't expect that people to feel better, recover and enjoy life, it's not rocket science.

 

At the hospital, after suffering so many moral injuries I simply disconnect because of the overwhelmingly painful and intense psychiatric trauma, it was too much for me, then I disconnected even more when I was forced to take Sertraline, suffering a double layer of dissociation at the same time, one chemical and the other psychological.

 

At the end of the day, what I really wanted was to be able to enjoy life, i.e. to have a good quality of life.

[Gonzo]

My moral trauma and inner-external moral conflict is what I needed to solve to become a fully "functional" person and recover.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was looking for a meaning and a solution to my moral suffering, to understand and relieve it, I needed and tried to overcome my moral and post-traumatic emotions and feelings, my moral trauma and post-traumatic, tyrannical, paralyzing and crazy-making moral identity. 8 years ago I did not want to give normality to living dominated, conditioned and enslaved by my tyrannical and post-traumatic moral identity, being its vassal, permanently feeling like an IMMORAL person, my moral pressure was BRUTAL, UNBEARABLE, coming from an absolutely oppressive and alienating moral system, and I rebelled against it, rejected it, tired of feeling "like that", until psychiatry sabotaged me and returned me to it, deeply traumatized and drugged, totally disconnected chemically and psychologically. During withdrawal and while I was drugged I did not want to suffer my moral conflict again in any way, I did not want to suffer morally ever again. Psychiatry and Sertraline deprived me of my critical thinking, they took my spirit away, my real identity, my true self. I felt immoral and I knew that no one was going to understand me or help me, understand my moral conflict or support me morally, but quite the opposite, as it happened. Psychiatry put the focus of my moral conflict on myself, psychopathologizing me, without even identifying my trauma and moral conflict, confusing me, misleading me. I hate feeling immoral and I am not going to submit and do what I am told, I am not going to bow down, bend my knee, accept the tyranny of an oppressive, alienating, illegitimate, immoral moral system. It isn't easy, I know, but you must. These are alien feelings, emotions and thoughts, the ones coming from my oppresive and alienating moral identity, it's called internalized oppression. I knew that more or less 8 years ago even if I didn't understand it. They do not originate from my mind or body. These are thoughts of others that took on a life of their own in me and must be culled. I feel like I had a strong moral conflict, 8 years ago, that I needed to solve to be able to move foward in my life, I needed moral support to do so, to find real closure, because I was going through a very intense postraumatic and moral crisis, so I was totally overwhelmed, I even tried to find that support and closure at the hospital, but I found none, and I was heavily traumatized, drugged, forced to disconnect from my moral issues, that remained unresolved. I isolated myself to avoid trauma/shame/moral triggers but my postraumatic and moral emotions and feelings got even worse so I isolated more and more, lacking the support, validation and understanding I needed to get out of that horrible mental and emotional state, to solve that inner-external moral conflict. It's my belief that a lot of people are like me. Then they reconnect with everything when the drug stops working and/or withdrawal happens. The moral conflicts, trauma, all that remained unresolved comes back. To haunt us again. Until we find closure. But the MH system/industry doesn't help us to find that closure, it suppress and drug us. Then the trauma and conflict gets more complicated, worsened. And I also believe that each layer of that complex and moral trauma has at least a dominant "dysfunctional" coping strategy. They're trauma responses, to cope with the overwhelming pain, alone, without external support. The MH system/industry pathologizes these trauma responses and coping strategies without acknowledging their true causes. And without offering true support. So, in other words, people like us are screwed. In a very vulnerable position. I'm challenging the moral system bastards imposed to me. I think that's what I need to do. Not easy. My mind and body scream to me that I'm immoral all the freaking time. They don't give me a break. But I'll get over this. I'll fix all my moral issues. I'll heal. I'll recover. And I'll enjoy life.

[Gonzo]

I'm having a rough day. I think I'm coming to terms with all this. I didn't realize how dominated I was by my moral trauma, conflict and identity, I resisted them as much as I could, alone, until exhaustion, then they dominated me. I'm just reconquering my mind, my personal identity and my life. Because I truly lost myself. They hijacked me.

 

I need to learn how to live differently, to remember.

[Gonzo]

My post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity has been hijacking my mind and my life since I was at the hospital, it lost part of its power over me while I was drugged and disconnected, and regained it when I stopped Sertraline and that narcissistic woman abused me during withdrawal, she made all this much worse than it needed to be. While I was drugged I did not need to challenge, question or overcome my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity and the oppressive and alienating moral system that dominated me, because I was chemically disconnected from it, my moral conflict almost disappeared, so it gave me mental and emotional relief, because it really relieved my moral suffering and psych pain, but at what price? And when I quit everything changed very quickly, I reconnected with all that, and it was unbearable and incomprehensible, I couldn't take it, that's what happened.

 

Sertraline made me disconnect from my moral conflict, trauma and suffering, it gave me relief, but at what price? It wasn't worth it. And I didn't want to take it nor pay it.

[Gonzo]

I was 19 when I got into mainstream/conventional psychology, on my own. I was trying to understand and fix my emotional and moral suffering, and the MH system/industry made it worse. I was trying to feel moral, that is, a normal, sane, valid, worthy person, to be fully "functional". I ended up feeling much, much more immoral, because of all the MH "experts" and their "wisdom". How things can be like this? What the hell is wrong with people? How can this happen and the world be so dehumanized? Because it is all so dehumanized.

 

I understand now why my Sertraline cold turkey withdrawal was so devastating. If I had been tapping gradually and carefully, as they recommend to do here, I would had been able to deal with my moral conflict, trauma and suffering gradually as well, it would had been manageable, even if I didn't identify my moral issues, instead of being overwhelmed by them as I did. Withdrawal specially caused me a lot of unnecessary suffering. This was my withdrawal chaos, it happened because of how I reconnected with my moral issues.

 

The MH industry is a human rights atrocity. All about control and subduction. It's not the place to recover.

[Gonzo]

My emotions and feelings and sensations in my body were screaming at me that I was immoral and that I was in danger, that I would be punished for it, but my rational mind was telling me that I was not immoral, but my emotions and feelings and physical sensations were too strong and I ended up believing them, and I tried to find their meaning, their cause, and control or solve them, and with this overwhelming moral and post-traumatic cognitive dissonance and distortion my post-traumatic and moral crisis that lead to the psychiatric intervention began.

 

Even if with Sertraline I mostly disconnected from my moral trauma, conflict and suffering, I still had the feeling that I had left something undone, I just couldn't tell what it was, it was like invisible to me, I was chemically deceived.

 

8 years ago I was trying to understand and make sense of why I had always felt immoral in my life. And I did it.

 

I wanted to overcome my moral conflict, trauma and suffering once for all to enjoy life, basically, like everyone wants, I wanted to improve my quality of life, to live fully.

 

I've been fighting my moral identity for more than 8 years.

[Gonzo]

Conventional/mainstream psychiatry and psychology only weakened me, making me feel even more immoral, reinforcing my already extreme moral identity with its oppressive and alienating moral guidelines. I was just trying to be and feel a moral person and enjoy life in this sh*tty society. Just that. That's the truth. It's painful.

 

I felt immoral and in danger, "like that", and I was paranoid, hypervigilant, so tense, etc, not because I was truly immoral/abnormal at least, or because I had any kind of intrinsecally and permanent moral fault (as psychiatry told me actually), but because I was suffering extreme postraumatic moral feelings, emotions and reactions, coming from my unprocessed complex moral trauma (C-PTS), that I reppressed to survive due to lack of moral support until I couldn't any longer, until it became overwhelming, then that postraumatic and moral crisis happened (that was also an existencial, meaning, identity and quarter life crisis) and everything that followed it. That moral and postraumatic crisis had to happen sooner or later, I needed to reprocess all my moral complex trauma, to be able to move foward in my life, to get rid of my psychosocial problems and obstacles, it was needed and unavoidable, and a critical point in my life when it did.

 

That was the logical meaning/cause of my experiences.

[Gonzo]

I stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey in August 2020, in love, scammed and deceived during that narcissistic relationship, feeling like I no longer needed it or that it wasn't helpful anymore and suffering from its sexual side effects, but I was still addicted to it, so that's why withdrawal happened, because I was addicted, and I wasn't prepared at all to face it.

 

I'm now getting into my original issues, after undoing most of the psychiatric trauma and all everything else.

 

8 years ago my mind dominated by my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity sent the signal to my body that it was in danger. I felt in danger for feeling immoral and showing my post-traumatic and moral reactions in public, I was afraid, TERRIFIED, of appearing paranoid and hypervigilant in front of others and being oppressed and alienated for it, punished, for not fitting in, being immoral, abnormal, disturbing, etc., in my relational environment, just as psychiatry ended up doing, aggravating and complicating everything, reinforcing my core fear and justifying it. I didn't want to just be "functional" and be miserable like most people, I wanted to feel good about myself and be at peace with the world and be fully "functional" by finding my calling in life.

 

I had to spent a lot of time and energy just to identify my original problems and moral issues that psychiatry and Sertraline made me completely forget about, not even solve them.

[Gonzo]

It's crazy, all what happened to me.

 

But I feel I'm pretty close to finding closure. I was so close 7 years ago.

 

To be at peace I need to stop feeling immoral, that is, to heal my complex moral trauma and overcome my moral conflict and suffering, and I'll do it, sooner or later.

 

It wasn't just a matter of solving my inner conflict, overcoming my psychosocial "dysfunctionality" and becoming a fully "functional" person, it was about finding peace and be able to rest too.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling a bit better today, even if still sh*tty. I'm working hard in my moral trauma, getting to the core moral wounds and my original issues more and more. I'd say I mostly overcame the psychiatric trauma, and Sertraline chemical deception and withdrawal ****, that delayed my recovery 7 years. I'm trying to tell to myself that I'm not immoral no matter how much my feelings and emotions tell me so, they're postraumatic stuff, they're not wrong nor bad, it's not immoral to feel those feelings, their purpose is to let others know what's happening or happened to you, to send messages, to yourself and others, to reprocess what happened, to be helped, but, it's not helpful to feel that way when no one truly understands and supports you, in these individualistic relational environments, in fact, it's dangerous. So I have to recover on my own, only counting on myself, which is very difficult, time consuming and exhausting. But what other choice do I have to stop feeling so miserable and start living a good life? It is what it is. It always has been like this. No ever understood me, my moral issues. I've always been alone to fix all this horrible moral mess. Psychiatry simply changed my life, for the worse, so much. And Sertraline could have been even something positive, had psychiatry been responsible, inteligent, instead of so paternalist, stupid, ignorant, narcissistic, oppressive and brutal, but it wasn't, it did the worst thing.

 

Sertraline artificially eliminated my moral conflict without me ever truly resolving it and chemically relieved my moral suffering, thereby also making my "dysfunctional" coping strategies fundamentally unnecessary. This is how it deceived me. It's the medical spellbinding that Peter Breggin talks about. I stopped understanding my moral issues, I completely forgot about them and I also lost my healthier coping skills and strategies, they became unnecessary, because my moral conflict almost disappeared, it became invisible to me basically because it wasn't resolved, I didn't find closure. I thought all this excruciating moral suffering was finally over, so I lowered down my guard, but it wasn't. This is the cruel and traumatizing chemical lie and deception of Sertraline that devastated me. When I stopped taking the pills and withdrawal started everything came back, my moral conflict, suffering and trauma, but its intensity amplified due to multiple factors: I was heavily traumatized by my psychiatric intervention but disconnected from my psychiatric trauma due to starting Sertraline use and being chemically disconnected while I was being victimized at the hospital, after years of Sertraline use I had lost my healthier coping strategies and skills, I was not prepared to face all this again at all, it happened during the last stage/discarding phase of a very abusive and traumatizing toxic narcissistic relationship, withdrawal happened because I was suffering an unknown SSRI substance abuse disorder and it made everything extra intense ("neuroemotions") as well as confusing and distressing, I had been completely deceived by Sertraline, I didn't have the support system that I needed and I was stuck in my dysfuntional family. It all has been insane.

 

The more I reconnect with my moral issues the more everything makes sense to me, my life, my problems, my suffering, I recover the lost meaning. This meaning was lost when psychiatry totally ignored all this and directly pathologized and drugged me, labelling me as forever immoral, abnormal, ill, disordered and broken beyond repair, victimizing and deeply traumatizing and drugging me, forcing me to disconnect from all this psychologically and chemically. I just needed time to reconnect, and to suffer my moral issues, much more than I'd like to.

 

To rediscover, accept and understand again my moral issues has been one of the most difficult things I've done in my life, and I've not solved them yet. I just started.

[Gonzo]

My moral identity and trauma has been dominating me and controlling me like a puppet since 2015 or 2016, specially since the psychiatric intervention, at the hospital, when I depleted my energy and I couldn't resist anymore, but I didn't realize it because of the chemical deception, medical spellbinding and cruel lie of Sertraline.

 

The thing is that humans are perfectly capable of healing.

[Gonzo]

I stopped my life 8 years ago and did everything I did to resolve my moral conflict, stop my moral suffering, find  closure to my complex moral trauma, overcome my post-traumatic reactions, solve the problem of my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", be "moral" , "normal", "valid" and loved, to adapt to my relational environment, to meet my traumatic needs, become independent, be free, survive, improve my personal conditions and quality of life and live fully in this sh*tty society, to enjoy life. But I did not recover because they did not let me resolve my internal-external moral conflict, but rather they sabotaged me and hindered me from finally finding closure. Psychiatry eliminates internal-external and social moral conflicts by chemically and psychologically suppressing people, forcibly and artificially bringing social peace and emotional relief without ever solving anything, but burying those problems and creating chronic mental and emotional conditions impossible to understand, as it did with me. It takes a hell lot of time and effort to understand everything after a psychiatric intervention like mine, after being chemically deceived for years, so traumatized by psychiatry and indoctrinated in its psychiatric toxic, oppresive and alienating meaning framework, belief and moral system. With Sertraline I lost all my tolerance to stress and emotional suffering, that's why during withdrawal everything was so f*cking overwhelming. The more I suffer the more connected I am to my original problems and real issues, the more I understand all this.

 

After the psychiatric intervention, specially during withdrawal, I tried and tried to find closure for my moral trauma, suffering and conflict but I couldn't because I forgot everything due to Sertraline use and I was too brainwashed/indoctrinated and traumatized by psychiatry.

 

The biggest problem for me is that with Sertraline I completely forgot what my real problems were and my moral conflict, how to deal with them and I lost my stress and emotional/moral suffering tolerance, being chemically deceived for years, and I didn't even wanted to take the drug in the first place, I was forced to. The problem is that spent too many years disconnected from my moral issues and real life problems, from myself, from life, from pain, so I couldn't solve them, I just couldn't, I was trapped with all my issues, so I couldn't find my way in my life as well.

 

I hope now that I have the data I can end all this soon.

[Gonzo]

All this time I've been trying to be morally perfect, to fit in, forgetting who I really was. I became obsessed with myself because I felt extremely IMMORAL, because I was made to feel extremely IMMORAL. My psychiatric trauma is a brutal moral trauma. Psychiatry violated my human rights and betrayed me. That's what it did to me. Everything is immoral in my mind dominated by my excruciating moral trauma and conflict and extreme moral identity. Psychiatry psychopathological model of mental health is basically the definition of toxic metacognition, i.e. endless internal civil war, a never-ending moral war. Psychiatry pathologized my “dysfunctional” coping strategies, post-traumatic reactions, thinking, mindset, belief system and meaning framework, my personal identity, and it destroyed me, I entered in this oppressive and alienating self-defeating"immoral" loop just when I was trying to overcome my moral issues once for all. Then years later that narcissistic abusive woman reopened the devastating moral injuries that psychiatry inflicted to me in the hospital and from which I had been mentally and emotionally disconnected while I had been drugged, unaware of their existence. My emotional flashbacks were always coming from my moral injuries, they are moral trauma triggers. Psychiatry imposed its sh*tty, oppressive, alienating and pseudoscientific moral system on me, psychopathologizing me. Psychiatry made me confuse solving my real problems and moral conflicts with "curing" my "Pure O OCD." My psychosocial "dysfunctionality" always came from my moral issues, not from my psychiatric "symptoms", psychiatry is so stupid and harmful that it says that the people's emotional suffering and psychiatric "conditions" causes are in the psychiatric "symptoms", confusing and misleading them, that are then drugged and suppressed, chemically and psychologically. To overcome our emotional suffering and find peace we need to deal with its real causes and find closure for our painful inner-external conflicts, their causes are not in the psychiatric "diagnoses" that are nothing more than stigmatizing and misleading descriptions and false explanations of the psychiatric "symptoms" result of these conflicts and life issues. And it's not easy to find those causes and closure, but difficult, painful, complicated.

 

I'm tired of feeling like sh*t, immoral, guilty, shameful, wortheless, I already was 8 years ago, that's what everything was about, about stopping my moral suffering.

[Gonzo]

My moral issues, my life problems, always have been fixable, it's just that psychiatry and conventional/mainstream psychology were a dead end, hopeless, and I wasted most of my energy trapped in them, stuck in its bullsh*t.

 

There always has been hope for me.

[Gonzo]

I also realized that psychiatry pathologized my "dysfuntional" coping strategies without acknowledging that they were coming from an unresolved moral conflict and trauma. So, if you don't acknowledge that my "dysfuntional" coping strategies are the only thing I have to manage my moral suffering and psych pain, to make it bearable, because I don't have moral support, and you pathologize those "dysfuntional" coping strategies saying that they're immoral, and you don't support me, and you indoctrinate me in this toxic, nihilistic, hopeless, meaningless and pseudoscientific psychiatric moral and belief system that is self-defeating, how the hell I'm going improve? Then I got drugged involuntarily, and I disconnect from all this moral mess for years without ever finding closure, forgetting everything. It's just freaking insane. Madness. It's a psychological nightmare.

 

Psychiatry and Sertraline made me disconnect chemically and psychologically from my moral suffering and issues and as a result they both caused me to stop questioning the moral system of my oppressive and alienating relational environment and my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity and to never find closure to my moral conflict and trauma. It all came back when I quit.

 

Everything I did when I was 19 was logical and necessary.

[Gonzo]

When I was at my peak of personal development and closest than ever before to finally find closure for my complex moral conflict and trauma, after giving everything I had to do so and just needing a little push, psychiatry sabotaged me, made me loose that conflict, (re)victimizing me and worsening my moral trauma a hell lot, drugged me and forced my to disconnect chemically and psychologically from my moral issues and forget them without having found closure for them. Yeah. And I couldn't understand my emotional suffering and find closure because I had totally forgot its causes, I couldn't identify them, completely disconnected from my moral issues, it was simply impossible, the only thing I could do is to resist the pain the best possible, as I did, or to take drug agai, as I didn't do. Just f*cking awesome.

 

Years later that narcissistic abusive woman made me feel absolutely immoral when my withdrawal started, when I was most vulnerable and most needed her support, when I was reconnecting with all my moral trauma, suffering and conflict. In fact, that's why I stopped taking Sertraline, I thought, felt and believed I had her support, but I didn't, she just had deceived me, like Sertraline did.

 

If you can't identity and understand your problems, if you're confused and overwhelmed, you can't solve them, no matter how much you need to and try to. That's what happened to me. Until now. I think I finally got this.

 

I think there is not too much more left to say.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry says that emotional, moral, and psychic suffering is immoral, abnormal, illogical, meaningless, pathological, unnecessary. Well, it is not, and it is not helpful to think that way and believe those things. It's toxic, oppresive and alienating. And I need to face my psych pain, my moral suffering, to normalize it, even if it's painful, to see it as meaningful, logical, normal, understandable, moral, necessary. Because it is. That's how I can reprocess all of it, to learn how to manage it, so it doesn't dominate my mind and life anymore and to move foward in my life, to find closure and peace once for all.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry traps people. They never acknowledge that people develop unhealthy ways of handling traumatic or unhealthy situations when they lack real support, but instead label them as sick and immoral and further alienate, oppress and victimize them. Psychiatry does not care about the cause of suffering or whether it is really present or not only whether there is "dysfunctionality"/"immorality" or not. Too many emotional and moral wounds can make you crazy.

[Gonzo]

What I needed to resolve was my moral conflict, the source of my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", and what happened was terrifying, brutal, immoral, I was betrayed and re-victimized by those who were supposed to support me and help me recover, to go back to "normal".

 

I'm still terrifying by what psychiatry did to me, I reconnected with that terror when I quit Sertraline.

 

I was never able to solve my moral problems and move foward in my life while I was drugged, disconnected, overwhelmed and confused by my internal experiences in withdrawal, no matter how much I wanted to move on.

 

I just want to stop my moral suffering and psych pain, but I don't want to take psychiatric drugs anymore, it's not worth it, it never was, and I never wanted to take them. With Sertraline I lost all my tolerance for distress, for my mental, emotional, and moral suffering. Psychiatry caused me a terrifying, absolutely devastating moral trauma.

 

I needed to overcome my post-traumatic and moral emotions and feelings, my conflict, trauma and moral suffering, to get out of the fight-flight/survival mode of my extreme post-traumatic and moral reactions, to be efective, productive, fully "functional", "normal" and "moral". In the past couldn't even name my emotions and feelings, identify them, much less manage and accept them.

 

These past two or three days I remembered clearly why I isolated myself 8 years ago: to overcome my moral conflict, trauma and suffering basically, without being disturbed by my moral/shame/trauma triggers, and to protect myself from being revictimized, due to acting "disturbed" in public being overwhelmed by all these horrible postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions, having all these postraumatic reactions. I was alone to do all this, no one understood what I was experiencing, going through, so no one could help me to reach the other side. Then psychiatry did all those barbaric and insane things to me, deeply traumatizing me. It never understood what I was resisting, desperately hoping to be supported and helped to get out of this terrifying mental and emotional state. With Sertraline I disconnected from these excruciating moral feelings and emotions, my postraumatic reactions became less intense and my moral conflict almost disappeared, everything seemed to be over, I found psychopathological relief and I acted "normal" again, my crisis seemed to be over. It was just a chemical deception, medical spellbinding, but it truly felt like it was over, for the most part. I wasn't crazy, immoral, abnormal, even if what was happening to me was difficult to comprehend and disturbing for others. I wasn't immoral, I needed to be morally supported, understood.

 

I finally reached the truth, after years of trying to do so.