Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

It took me years a lot of effort to reconnect again with my old and true feelings and emotions, needs and objectives, to understand, tolerate and accept them, after the psychiatric intervention and withdrawal. All this is locked behind the trauma and I need to access it fully, what I haven't already.

 

The worst thing is that I already knew when I was teenager and before the psychiatric intervention, that I was traumatized and that my reactions were postraumatic and the cause of my "dysfunctionality", and that I needed support to overcome these reactions, my trauma, and be fully "functional". I searched for that moral and emotional support desperately as long as I could, even at the hospital. But psychiatry didn't know **** about my issues and didn't acknowledge my trauma or ever understood me, it drugged me and made me forget all this.

 

I need to finish what I started 8+ years ago but I didn't finish because of the psychiatric intervention.

[Gonzo]

I need to get into my head the idea that I'm not an immoral person and that if I feel like that is because I never had the moral support that I needed, not because there is something intrinsecally wrong with me.

 

8 years ago I got into this fight against my inner demons, against my tyrannical trauma based moral identity (internalized oppression), and I actually got very close to winning it, but then the psychiatric intervention happened and no matter how much I tried it never supported me, it just suppressed and drugged me. Psychiatry made this moral fight a chronic condition, a never ending internal moral fight, when in fact originally it was just part of a temporary postraumatic and moral crisis, that it could have been easily solved with the right amount of moral support.

 

I needed moral support to overcome the horrible cognitive dissonance and distortion caused by my excruciating moral and postraumatic feelings and emotions, so to heal my trauma and end that crazy-making postraumatic and moral crisis, to recover and be fully "functional". It was all trauma, a moral type of trauma, it always has been.

 

MH system/industry simply is not trauma informed, this is the reason why it's so harmful, why it does so much damage to people like me, to millions worldwide.

 

Psychiatry disempowered and isolated me, oppressing and alienating me.

 

8 years ago I found personal meaning in my personal, internal and external, post-traumatic, social and moral experience, in my suffering, until psychiatry destroyed my newly developed personal meaning framework and moral system, psychologically and chemically. What I've been doing here and since late 2022 is basically recovering all that and undoing the psychiatric harm.

[Gonzo]

I obsessed with my "Pure O OCD" in late 2020 and during 2021 and 2022 trying to fix it extremely confused during and after that devastating narcissistic relationship, suffering narcissistic abuse, and during withdrawal, after coming out of the Sertraline chemical deception, I was actually trying to solve my moral problem but I was so confused that I forgot what my problem really was and how to solve it. That emotionally abusive woman and psychiatry both made me see my OC behaviors as immoral when they were just coping behaviors.

 

But truth is that in 2015, 2016 and 2017 I obsessed with my postraumatic and "immoral" feelings and emotions, trying to understand them, trying to control them, trying to fix them, on my own, but it's impossible without moral support, because it's all about moral support, the lack of moral support is the reason why they're there in the first place and if I had obtained that moral support they would have disappeared already, the problem would have been solved long ago. And since I quit Sertraline in August 2020 I've been obsessed with them as well, because they came back stronger than ever.

 

The reason why I obsessed is for the same reason everyone does, because I had excruciating, desperate, traumatic, emotional needs.

 

I guess I mostly gave up in the search of that moral support, because of how painful it has been and due to psychological exhaustion, it's very risky, because there is barely any moral support in individualistic, narcissistic and capitalistic societies and there is a lot of judgemental, oppresive, alienating, emotionally abusive and invalidating people.

 

The reason why I always felt immoral and suffered so much mentally and emotionally was never due to an internal cause but an external one.

[Gonzo]

The reason why I always had and still have these horribly painful feelings and emotions is because I was oppressed and alienated, abused, and no one morally supported me the way I needed, so I internalized all the abuse (internalized oppression, trauma based personal and moral identities), like a lot of people here.

 

We need and needed moral support to overcome our life struggles, and that's why psychiatry, which is an oppressive and alienating institution in nature, never helped with anything but just suppressed us.

 

It's a moral and existential fight and it always has been, for many of us at least and while we were drugged (and oppressed and alienated trapped in the MH system/industry) we were incapacitated to fight it, to fight for our legitimate rights.

 

This is what psychiatry does to victims and innocent people.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry made me lose all the insight I had about my problems.

 

I understand now things a lot better, as I always wanted to, more or less, I have the answers I needed to, but all this has been so exhausting, and I'm still in pain, I'm depleted, I've been for the past 7 years but specially for the last 3 years.

 

I'm just tired.

 

Even so, I'm getting out of home more often, and engaging more with people.

[Gonzo]

With psychiatry, Sertraline and withdrawal I lost all connection with the reasons, needs and objectives behind my actions, I lost all meaning.

 

I'm so tired, I've been trying to fix my problems for so many years, because of psychiatry I totally forgot them, now I finally rediscovered them and reconnected with them again and my mind is much, much better, so I'm in a better place to fix them, but I'm still very tired. I'm exhausted.

[Gonzo]

I see what my next objective is, it is actually the same objective I had 8 years ago, but I've become wiser and I see everything more clearly: to overcome my extreme, tyrannical, excruciating and trauma-based moral identity, my internalized oppression and identification with the aggressor, i.e. my moral, relational/social and emotional trauma. For that what I need the most (and needed) is moral support, that's why it is there in the first place, because when I was abused, oppressed, alienated, I didn't have moral support, so I internalized all that, to survive without external support, and it became part of my moral identity. To find that moral support is very, very difficult in this capitalistic, individualistic and narcissistic society, that's the reason why I didn't find it already, but I also need to challenge it myself and develop my own personal moral system. This is going to take time and a lot of effort but the path is clear nonetheless. This is what I need to do to live a good, meaningful life, to live fully. If not, I always will feel guilty, ashamed, in psych pain and I just won't be able to enjoy life, as it was the case already for at least half my life.

 

I think that postraumatic and moral crisis that I had when I was 19-20 and that psychiatry literally made a chronic condition/mental and emotional state was gonna happen sooner or later because I had a lot of reppressed trauma.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry pulled me out of my crisis and forced me back to "normal" arresting me, locking me up, brutally oppressing and alienating me, and drugging me, suppressing me. That's what psychiatry calls to "treat" people.

 

I lost all meaning, all the logic behind my actions and I lost myself since the psychiatric intervention, the only thing it did for me was shaming me, victim-blaming me, making me feel even more immoral than I already did.

 

The trauma and moral damage that psychiatry inflicted to me when I was the most vulnerable and the most needed of help lasted all this time and I'll have to learn to live with it.

 

The MH system/industry is full of dehumanized, indoctrinated people.

 

What I needed and need, what I have and had to do, is and was to find moral support to overcome my crisis and find closure to my Trauma, that is why I did everything I did, in one way or another. I didn't want to live the rest of my life feeling immoral, because I knew that I could be "functional" and still feel immoral and suffer greatly and I didn't want to live like that, I wanted a better life, to enjoy life, to live fully, I didn't want to feel immoral ever again.

[Gonzo]

I never was a crazy person as psychiatry said, or at least not that kind of stigmatizing and psychopathological craziness bullsh*t. There was a logical meaning behind all my actions, they were guided by traumatic and desperate emotional needs, I was connected to the reality of my life, to myself. I was desperately looking for moral support and external emotional validation, trapped in a huge and highly complex personal crisis. I found none of that support in the MH system/industry no matter how much I wanted it and how hard I tried it, but I found the opposite, it aggravated my issues, and when I tried to find that support in other people multiple times I did it in unhealthy people because they also suffered greatly and were the only type of person that could understand my pain and validate it. Psychiatry could have been healthy a source of emotional and moral support and help me inmensely to recover and live a better life, but it's just an evil and corrupted institution, they forced me to go through this painful path.

 

If somebody read my whole story and made it this far, know that I'm far from being the only case, there are millions like me, so if you're still trapped in the MH system/industry, drugged or not, and feel hopeless, I hope my story can help you somehow.

[Gonzo]

Getting to the truth has been extremely exhausting, difficult and painful. I'm too exhausted, and too demoralized. I needed to do all this to take back control over my life, to be the protagonist of my life's story again, undoing the psychiatric damage and trauma, but I'm so tired, my spirit is so depleted. Psychiatry is dehumanized, demoralizing and hopeless, it lacks empathy, and I've been demoralized, hopeless, defeated, since I was hospitalized, but I was drugged, suffering a substance abuse disorder and confused in withdrawal, and I didn't realize until now.

[Gonzo]

My postraumatic and moral crisis could have ended pretty quickly if I had had the right amount of moral support. But it never happened and I got more and more into it, and everything got distorted in my mind by these horrible and overwhelming postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions, my perception of reality, of myself, of people. I resisted and resisted, even at the hospital, I used the energy I had left after one year and half resisting without moral support to explain the best I could what I was experiencing, the crazy making cognitive dissonance and distortion, but I never received that support and my crisis remained intact, even when I was drugged, nothing had changed.

 

Just the right amount of moral support and I would had recovered.

 

My meaning framework, that psychiatry pathologized, maybe needed some adjustments but it was the best I could do without moral support and it's purpose was precisely that: finding meaning for my painful experiences and moral support sharing that meaning with others. All of it was a logical and understandable reaction and I needed it, to deal with my suffering, with my psych pain.

 

My spirit is just broke after all these years but I guess I'll recover, I always did in the past. People recover from traumas and moral injuries and I'll do the same.

 

Truth is, my spirit was already broken before psychiatry because of so much TRAUMA, it just finished it off just when I was trying to repair it.

 

A lot of people get into the MH system/industry despetarely looking for moral support, when no one gives them it, then get morally judged and drugged.

 

Now that I know the truth of what happened to me I can barely bear it. When I was the most vulnerable and needed the most to be morally supported, I was brutally oppressed, gaslighted, pathologized, stigmatized, alienated, shamed, victim-blamed, morally judged, forced to disconnect from myself, from reality, psychologically and chemically, to survive, being already confused and overwhelmed after one year and half resisting alone trapped in my extreme postraumatic and moral crisis.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry made me fear my "dysfuntional" coping strategies, as if they were "bad", immoral, dangerous, illogical, meaningless, absurd, incomprehensible, useless, the same thing happened with my feelings, sensations, emotions, thoughts, reactions, behaviors, beliefs, myself, all the things that it pathologized and victimized me for showing.

 

I guess I wrote all these posts since July last year in big part looking for moral support, which is exactly what I always needed and still need to recover, but at the same time I've been afraid of doing so since the psychiatric intervention, because of what happened when I did it openly. Also, that narcissistic relationship was the last time I actually tried to, since the psychiatric intervention, and it ended horribly wrong. I've been afraid of being revictimized if I search for the moral support I need.

 

8 years ago I punished myself controlling my food intake and depriving myself of pleasures to force myself to "do what I had to do", seek moral support so that I would never feel immoral again and be able to be fully "functional", free myself from the control of my oppressive and alienating parents and their control, from my narcissistic family, to satisfy my traumatic needs and to move foward in my life, live fully and survive in this sh*tty society, all of that at the same time, but to do so I also needed to keep my morale up using "dysfunctional" (individualistic and desperate) coping strategies, without external support and understanding, to control my extreme post-traumatic and moral emotions and feelings and be able to continue that search and moral fight against my twisted, post-traumatic and tyrannical personal moral identity, in order to recover and overcome my post-traumatic and moral crisis, all of this while being trapped in it, alone.

 

I never was a crazy as psychiatry said, there was logic and meaning behind all my actions and real needs, legitimate and understandable objetives. But I ended up believing that I was, after so many moral injuries and lack of moral support, desperate to feel "normal", "moral", and safe, to rest and recover, to be "functional" (i.e. "normal", "moral"). And that's why I got so f*cked up.

 

I definitely needed that moral support and understanding to feel (that my personal experiences were) "normal", "moral" and safe, key elements to overcome trauma.

 

At the hospital I exhausted the energy I had left and depleted my spirit trying to explain those bastards my overwhelming, painful and confusing experiences, all for nothing, just to give them more "reasons" to pathologize and abuse me.

 

And because my postraumatic and moral crisis never ended thanks to psychiatry and I lacked moral support all this time my "dysfuntional" coping strategies remained intact as well, to cope with all this, Sertraline just diminished both my real, overwhelming, postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions and my "dysfuntional" coping strategies, the psychiatric "symptoms".

 

No one really helps in this society, that's why people come here, to these corners of the Internet, looking to be supported.

[Gonzo]

2 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Psychiatry made me fear my "dysfuntional" coping strategies, as if they were "bad", immoral, dangerous, illogical, meaningless, absurd, incomprehensible, useless, the same thing happened with my feelings, sensations, emotions, thoughts, reactions, behaviors, beliefs, myself, all the things that it pathologized and victimized me for showing.

This is what I called toxic metacognition, you become your own enemy and get distressed by your own inner experiences, which creates more distress. One of the multiple reasons why psychiatry is simply harmful.

 

I'm reconnecting with all my forgotten and traumatic, desperate needs.

 

At the end I was hijacked by my postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions.

 

With psychiatry made me lost my progress and I forget all my insights, when I was very, very close to solve my life issues, to finally move foward in my life.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry really sabotaged me.

[Gonzo]

All my trauma remained unprocessed, unresolved, since the psychiatric intervention, all my needs unmet, because I was forced to disconnect from them chemically and psychologically, from my true feelings and emotions, which told me what I truly needed and guided my actions to meet my needs. And while I remained drugged and disconnected, indoctrinated/brainwashed and trapped in the MH industry/system, institutionalized, it was simply impossible for me to start healing and recover.

 

I got stuck in the process of hypermeaning/meaning-making and trauma healing trapped in my mind trying to understand and make sense of the suffering in my life and my extreme post-traumatic and moral emotions and feelings to resolve and overcome my moral and complex trauma because I needed or a moral advantage over my relational environment through a new perspective, meaning framework and moral system or moral support and I had neither one nor the other because of the psychiatric intervention, and as a result my post-traumatic reactions, pos-traumatic and moral crisis and emotional and mental suffering became chronic.

 

No one ever helped me identify and understand my moral feelings, sensations and emotions, much less to manage them. They were always alien to me.

 

Another thing that I learned is that when you feel immoral, what you feel is excruciating, that's the purpose of those feelings, of the shame and guilt mostly, to make you suffer so you engage in action to do things differently and change things, one way or another, so when you feel immoral you're desperate to feel moral to relief the psych pain, or to numb the pain to escape it through different means, for example, through "dysfuntional" coping strategies, or you can also reject the moral system that makes you suffer so much, rebelling against it, or you just can change of relational environment. That's what suffering is for, to make changes. But if you pathologize psych pain, emotional suffering, and numb it indiscrimitately, if you can't understand it or don't have interest for whatever reason in doing so, then you're in trouble because it's never going to go away. The pain, being physical or psychological, it's a messenger, like any oher emotion, and a reaction to what happened to you or/and happens to you and around you, their messages are valuable and necessary, I'd say specially when they're painful, but this society just lack the basic knowledge to know all this and it lacks the wisdom to manage difficult emotions in a healthy, constructive way.

 

I also realize that that narcissistic relationship happened from start to finish while I was suffering withdrawal, which actually started in 2019.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry buried under its oppression and Sertraline the true and original problems of my life, what I've doing for the past years is to unbury them, to be able to fix them and recover.

[Gonzo]

I have been seeking moral support since 2015, in one way or another, incessantly, dominated by my traumatic and desperate emotional needs. I needed to be told that what was happening to me) was normal, that I was not crazy, that I was normal, moral. And what I received was the complete opposite. Everything is immoral to my extreme, post-traumatic, crushing, tyrannical, twisted moral identity, everything I say, think, do, feel and am, and psychiatry reinforced it even more. Psychiatry savagely invalidated the meaning I gave to my suffering, pathologizing it and treating me as a crazy person, stigmatizing me and my reactions and "dysfunctional" coping strategies, which made them chronic by forcing me to dissociate chemically and psychologically and unable to find closure for my trauma, to solve my life problems and move foward.

 

I never really gave up but I've been so demoralized and exhausted.

[Gonzo]

I've trying all this time to desperately recover the progress that I made just before the psychiatric intervention but I just couldn't.

 

Now that I finally know the painful truth of what happened to me I feel a bit more in control again, but the same time knowing and feeling all the **** that I went through and that I was disconnected from for years it doesn't make it any less painful. It's the grieving process, I guess, I need to emotionally reprocess all this, until it isn't so painful anymore.

 

As I said multiple times already, it's a moral fight, and I need to win it, to overcome my moral trauma and free myself.

 

Psychiatry made me lost that fight, for all these years, because it was an adversary too powerful for me that took advantage of my vulnerabilities, like a bully, like narcissistic abusive people do all the time, and at the same time it weakened me so I couldn't defend properly against other dangers such as my abusive and narcissistic toxic family or that narcissistic woman. All those things all hurt me and weakened me a lot. I've been accumulating moral, relational and emotional injuries non stop for the past 7 years.

 

I've been trying so hard to be "normal", "moral", "functional", all this time, even if I was trapped in survival mode, deeply traumatized and desperately needed help to overcome my trauma, moral support (external emotional validation, other's understanding), to feel better and be fully "functional", no one understood that, ever, how badly I've been feeling inside, I didn't care about being "functional" if that meant feeling "immoral", feeling all those excruciating feelings and emotions, but psychiatry and conventional/mainstream psychology, because they're ******* insane, harmful and dumb, if you are not "functional" they don't care why, about the reasons, about meaning, they just label you as so and try to "fix" you with their "treatments". That's why psychiatry used Sertraline for in my case, to "treat" my "symptoms" and make me "functional" again, drugging me, making me be "normal", "moral", forcibly. And I tried to be those things specially when I was drugged and chemically disconnected.

 

8 years ago I didn't want to be just "functional", and feeling like a piece of ****, dead inside, like a lot of "functional" people do, I wanted to have meaning in my life, purpose, instead of living just to be a "productive" person, a cog in the machine as this society demands.

 

This is why psychiatry was soooooo incredibly harmful for me, at the moment of furthest personal development and when I needed just a little push in the form of the right amount of moral support to finally move foward in my life it destroyed me, completely devastated my mind, with its "treatments", psychologically and chemically. And also why it's so painful to rediscover the truth.

[Gonzo]

What I did 8 years ago, at the hospital and in the year and half that I was isolated before the psychiatric intervention, wasn't just a matter of healing my trauma and being fully "functional", I was trying to find meaning and purpose in my life, to know how I really was. And I did all I got to achieve my objectives and satisfy my traumatic needs. Then the psychiatric intervention happened, those dumb bastards didn't understand anything and just wanted to drug and suppress me, and they did it, and all my true and legitimate needs, my objectives, everything I was trying to achieve, got buried behind the invisible walls of my psychiatric trauma and the chemical deception and medical spellbinding of Sertraline. Psychiatry made me feel as if all this was immoral, evil, illegitimate, stupid, meaningless, absurd, incomprehensible, abnormal, dangerous, just "bad", and more or less I believed that since I was hospitalized because the psychiatric intervention morally harmed me much more that I already was.

 

I went through a highly complex and overwhelming postraumatic and moral crisis that psychiatry nor conventional/mainstream psychology had and have the tools to comprehend, they just have tools to pathologize, stigmatize and suppress people.

 

I'd say that the oppression that I experienced by psychiatry, at the hospital, is very likely the worst oppression and trauma that I have experienced in my life, it was just brutal and insane.

[Gonzo]

That narcissistic woman took away what was left of my personal meaning framework and moral system after the devastation of the psychiatric intervention. They both reinforced my postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity and its destructive and defeating messages, then my narcissistic abusive family did the same thing. My moral injuries in 2021-2022 were simply massive, and I was suffering withdrawal, since April-May 2022, almost two years ago, I've been completely dedicated to heal myself, to overcome all my life issues.

 

I really just needed a little push of moral support to overcome this horrible postraumatic and moral crisis, to heal my moral, relational and emotional trauma, to win the fight against my inner demons, against my twisted moral identity, I could have become a highly developed and fully "functional" person.

 

I didn't need nor wanted to take drugs, I wanted to overcome my life problems, to by morally supported, to be seen, heard, understood, to heal my trauma, to defeat my sh*tty moral identity, to be free and satisfy my traumatic needs, to live fully.

 

Another thing is that people REALLY hate trauma and typical trauma behaviors/responses, as psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology do, there are just difficulties to overcome it, to heal, that's one of the reasons why it takes too long to overcome and heal it, because we are not supported to do so, but suppressed, ignored, pathologized, stigmatized, alienated, oppressed, and if it wasn for psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology I would never recover and heal.

[Gonzo]

I need to get in my head that I'm not crazy, and that I never was. That I was simply abused, oppressed, alienated, misleaded, scammed, gaslighting, stigmatized, misunderstood and labelled as crazy. I've been possesed, hijacked, by my postraumatic, tyrannical, twisted and extreme moral identity, since 2015, and psychiatry reinforced it, it gave it even more power over me, as that narcissistic woman did. They both alienated and oppressed me massively.

 

It took so much pain and time to accept that my postraumatic and moral crisis never ended, that I had been just chemically deceived by Sertraline, and not only that, to accept that I had been victimized by psychiatry.

 

When I was arrested in February 2017 I still had hope to be morally supported and emotionally validated at the hospital if I told my story the right way, but when I did it and I got depleted it didn't matter, then I lost my spirit, I was hopeless, then drugged, so I wasn't even let me feel my pain, the trauma that they were inflicting to me and process what was happening and happened to me there. They made me feel like a crazy person, they projected all their bullsh*t over me and I ended up believing it because I was too exhausted and injuried to reject their **** and protect myself, I was too vulnerable, depleted. And that, seeing myself and feeling as a crazy person, abnormal, immoral, bad, disordered, ill, etc, the way the horrible way they disorted my self image and personal identity, devastated me, probably the most harmful thing that psychiatry did to me, it completely demoralized me, it was a massive moral injury that was added to my already existing moral injuries aggravating even more my highly destructive and "crazy" postraumatic moral identity.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry created this hellish mental and emotional chaos that I've been undoing for the past years. What I went through 8 years ago just before the psychiatric intervention was a highly complex and overwhelming personal crisis. That intervention of psychiatry disordered my mind in such a way that is hard to describe, both chemically and psychologically, victimizing and traumatizing me brutally and drugging me, and I just disconnected and forgot everything, sometimes I remember things and I reconnect with old feelings, emotions and needs, but it usually doesn't last too much that's why I writte all these posts.

[Gonzo]

When everything started finally making sense in my life is when psychiatry hit me the hardest I've ever been in my life and devastated me. I was sane and they made me go insane so for the past years I've been undoing their insanity, recovering my sanity. Psychiatry criminalized me for being a human being. I was making sense of my life and to do so I needed to slow down, but for psychiatry I was just "dysfunctional" and mentally "ill" and I was criminalized for that.

 

I was in control when I was arrested and incarcelated, guided by my true and legitimate personal needs, not crazy or alienated, and then psychiatry savagely oppressed me and completely disempowered me, making me feel like a crazy person, poisoning my mind and spirit.

 

8 years ago it wasn't just about being "functional" for me, in fact, I didn't want to be just "functional", I wanted to have meaning and purpose in my life, to know who I really was, to find my calling, to live fully.

 

I wanted to end my moral suffering.

 

If back then I had had a little push of moral support I'd be perfectly functional right now, maybe even happy. Just a little push, because I did by myself most of the work.

[Gonzo]

I just needed a little boost of moral support and external emotional validation to feel safe, relax and confirm my identity and personal reality.

 

To do so, I slowed down and stopped being "functional", intentionally, so I could understand and solve the problems I had in my life and find meaning in my suffering and my life, but psychiatry never understood or cared about all that, because it's just damaging and dumb, evil.

[Gonzo]

I've been a moral perfeccionist most of my life, it's clear to me now, to please others, to fit in the crowd, specially when I took Sertraline. I didn't accept myself.

 

It's all a moral issue, a moral conflict, it always has been, I see it crystal clear now, and I never received the moral support I needed to overcome it, because I've been oppressed, alienated and suppressed, doing all my myself it's an extreme psychological and social challenge.

 

When I was the closest to solve this, psychiatry victimized me, and all my progress went down the toilet.

[Gonzo]

I never knew how to effectively manage all these overwhelming and excruciating postraumatic and moral feelings, sensations and emotions, the guilt, the shame, and everything else, before psychiatry I think I did better, I had healthier coping strategies, but I think because I never truly had moral support and no one helped me to understand and manage them I think I never developed truly healthy coping skills for them, because I always felt alone, abandoned, on my own, to do all this, to cope with reality and my life problems. So they ended up hijacking me, my mind and my life, i.e. my moral identity did it, like an evil spirit that possessed me and consumed me, physically and psychologically, then psychiatry simply reinforced its power over me and brought me back to its tyranny, with its toxic intervention, and made me unable to fight back deeply traumatized and chemically suppressed and deceived by its "treatments", as simple as that. But the fight never ended and the psychiatric intervention happened when I was the closest to finally win it, that is why it was so devastating, so harmful, so painful, to finally know the truth, rediscover and accept it. Instead of being helped with moral support and understanding to solve all these issues, I was judged and condemned, again, and again, and again in my life.

 

I just wanted to stop feeling so bad, to stop feeling so much shame and guilt, so much anxiety, stress, fear, so much stigma, to be able to really relax and rest, to feel normal, to be free, to free myself from all this pain, to live my life fully, to live a better life, to do whatever I want, to be and feel in control and no more like a puppet of all these feelings and emotions and my relational environment, to be at peace, with myself, with the rest of the world, to end my inner-external war, to empower myself, to enjoy life. Then psychiatry gave me the exact opposite of what I needed and wanted, making me feel like a crazy, possesed, dangerous and immoral person, causing me great suffering, aggravating all these issues and my inner disturbance/tension, disempowering me, psychiatry just lacks wisdom, empathy and humanity, just the tools to help people like me and comprehend these kind of moral and existential complex issues, it lacks true mental health expertise, the only thing it does is to suppress, stigmatize and drug people and force them to fit in the crowd.

 

I was so demoralized because no matter how much I put my soul in trying to win this moral fight I lost it anyway, because other's never helped me, it wasn't my fault, my part I did it, but the others didn't do their part. Kazimierz Dabrowski in its personal development theory, the theory of positive desintegration, called this the second factor, the relational environment, and it failed to me, miserably. Psychiatry made me regress so many years in this painful fight for freedom and dignity.

 

This moral fight is a psychological war against the relational environment and I've been fighting it all my life, when I was 19-20 I was simply tired of fighting it, to feel and be alone, and I wanted to rest.

[Gonzo]

There is a psychological theory called differential-susceptibility theory https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Differential_susceptibility , I believe that some people have a natural capacity to exploit loving positive environments to develop further than the average person, and that that people have a special and deeper need for love, and that need makes them do what others do not do, go through great lengths to achieve it, to meet that need in a satisfactory way. This is also related in some ways with the positive desintegration theory of Kazimierz Dabrowski https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_disintegration , the concept of Sensory processing sensitivity (SPS)/Highly sensitive person (HSP) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity, the theory of multiple intelligences of Gardner https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_multiple_intelligences and Giftedness https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional / https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intellectual_giftedness .

 

The last time I got into all this, searching for answers, knowledge, solutions and meaning for my life, moral suffering and purpose I was arrested, incarcelated and drugged, victimized, so I avoided getting into all this again all this time for the most part, as if it was evil, absolutely illogical, immoral and dangerous, as if I could get possesed by all this again, loose my mind, become "crazy" and dangerous and do the "immoral" and "crazy" things that I did once more so arrested, incarcelated and revictimized, the toxic ideas that psychiatry forcibly put into my mind, the trauma that It caused to me.

 

Psychiatry was brutal and it completely blocked me and destroyed my personal progress.

 

Psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology which is a copypaste of psychiatry can not deal with all this in its current state and following the dominant model of MH, they only thing it can do is suppress, stigmatize, alienate, oppress, mislead, confuse, brainwash, indoctrinate and scam people, that is their twisted and immoral idea of "helping" people, to make them fit in the crowd with drugs and using psychological suppression techniques, to have a massive amount of reppressed traumatized unhealed and generic people.

 

Psychiatry doesn't understand that isn a human need, part of the human condition, to find meaning in things, sometimes even in meaningless things, for psychiatry all suffering and all difficult inner experiences are meaningless, "symptoms" of "diseases", it's just harmful, it goes against the human nature, and the biggest problem is that psychiatry is too powerful.

 

I was so close to ending my never-ending moral fight, to end my moral suffering, to find peace, to reconnect with myself, have meaning and purpose in my life, psychiatry prolongued that suffering 7 years.

 

I'm not saying that all psychiatric drugs are completely useless and harmful, they have some uses, but they're not the answer to our deepest problems, questions and suffering.

 

Kazimierz Dabrowski was a wise guy, he talked about a way to be integrated in a social system called negative adjustment, it means to fit in the crowd without being yourself, suppressed, alienated, oppressed. That's what psychiatry does, it gets rid of people's internal-external conflicts suppressing, oppressing and alienating people, their true self and true and deepest needs, with drugs and psychological "treatments", it's just evil and a joke to call that science and medicine.

[Gonzo]

I wanted to take back control over my life, to make my own decisions, to live freely, to not feel like a puppet or a slave of my own moral identity and relational environment.

 

I had a strong and healthy spirit when the psychiatric intervention happened, just before they victimized and demoralized me, and I cotinued having it after I got out of the hospital, but it was just depleted, a shadow of its former state. That brutal psychiatric trauma is what has been blocking me all these years from moving foward in my life, the fear of being arrested, incarcelated and revictimized again if I tried to do the same thing that lead me to that situation, if I tried to rebel against these crazy morals that my relational environment imposed to me and empower and free myself, if I tried to find meaning and purpose again. That's it. Those bastards devastated me, and everything was locked behind this horrible psychiatric trauma, its indoctrination/brainwashing and the chemical deception of Sertraline. When I stopped taking Sertraline both in 2019 and 2020 all I suddenly reconnected with all this pain and psychiatric trauma plus my original traumas and crisis, and it completely overwhelmed me, it hijacked me, and I know for certain that no one could had helped me to make sense of all this except for myself because it's too complex, disturbing, triggering and time consuming.

 

I had a desperate need to find meaning for my overwhelming moral suffering, because I was deeply traumatized and lack the moral support that I needed to reprocess what had happened to me. That's what usually happens when people so traumatized and feel so unsupported, they try to find meaning desperately to reprocess everything, all the pain and trauma, sometimes in unusual manners such as going through "psychotic" experiences.

 

Psychiatry doesn't allow nor help people to reprocess their pain and trauma it just drugs people and suppress people, then the drug stops working, or people stop taking them for whatever reason (my final reason to stop taking Sertraline was that I was deceived by the lovebombing drug and narcissistic abuse of a very emotionally abusive and irresponsible narcissistic woman, during a narcissistic relationship) and everything comes back and people are not equipped to understand their own difficult experiences nor does psychiatry and conventional/mainstream psychology do nothing to helpe them to make sense and reprocess all the pain, trauma, etc, in fact, in that vulnerable mental and emotional state they are easily abused, oppressed and alienated in the MH system/industry.

 

It's all interconnected.

[Gonzo]

I was morally destroyed over all these years, and before psychiatry got into my life.

 

They didn't allow me to recover nor they helped me to recover.

 

The twisted and sh*tty unethical morals that my narcissistic, individualistic, capitalistic, oppresive and alienating relational environment imposed to me victimizing and traumatizing me, that my family, the education system, the MH system/industry, etc, imposed to me, for being different, for not being what they wanted me to be, for not being like them, for not being a submissive robot, it all consumed me, the overwhelming shame and guilt, the moral feelings and emotions, and it blocked me, from achieving my true potential and living fully, from being happy, from fully developing myself, and for what, to please others, to not being annoying, to not be judged, morally harmed, oppressed, alienated, revictimized, to fit in the crowd.

 

It just sucks, and the worst part of all this is that people, me included, and not taught to question none of this, to question the morals of the places we live in or that society has, to be critical thinkers, I was a critical thinker, and for that reason I was suppressed, chemically and psychologically, because I made myself questions and cared for the truth.

 

We don't realize how dystopic our society truly is in many aspects.

 

What I have realized is what I forgot, that all this is a moral fight and a psychological war, instead of fighting with each other physically like we did not so long ago we engage in these complex social fights for moral legitimacy in our society, and the morality of this society is a scourge, like a deathly virus, it has no ethics whatsoever and is destroying us.

 

8 years ago I rebelled against this ***** up moral system, I rejected it, then they forced my back into it, the social homeostasis was protected and I was suppressed chemically, socially and psychologically, in fact, when I was drugged is when I tried the hardest to fit in the crowd totally disconnected from my true self.

[Gonzo]

I've been consumed by these horrible moral and postraumatic feelings and emotions long before the psychiatric intervention, without rest, by a huge and excruciating amount of shame and guilt, and no one ever understood me nor supported me morally, like I needed to. And that's it.

 

Psychiatry destroys the morale of already morally injured people, by abuse, oppression, alienation, doing the same thing, it revictimizes people.

[Gonzo]

I felt immoral because I was abused and treated immorally and no one morally supported me the way I needed to, because I had a lot of internalized oppression, that got into my moral identity and twisted it. Then the psychiatric intervention happened, making me feel absolutely immoral, like if I had done something horrible and at the same time I had lost my mind and became crazy, it drugged me and Sertraline made me forgot how to cope with the moral feelings and emotions in a more or less healthy way, as I used and learned to do, it made me forget how to fight against the moral demon of my tyrannical and trauma based moral identity that psychiatry reinforced and that had already possessed me and won the fight because of psychiatry, which unbalanced the fight in favor of this excruciating morality, and I couldn't even know or understand that because I was chemically deceived and suppressed, suffering medical spellbinding. Hell, Sertraline made me forget the whole moral fight, my inner-external conflict, even if I never had won it or overcome it.

 

I isolated myself and everything I did was with the objective of winning the fight against my moral demon once for all and finally overcome my moral suffering.

 

I see everything clearly now. All of this.

 

No one ever understood this moral fight of mine and my inner-external conflict, no one ever connected with it, no one ever morally supported me as I needed to, but, even so, I reunited the courage to fight with all I got against my moral demon in 2015, in order to overcome my moral suffering and win the fight once for all, and when I was the closest to finally achieving that psychiatry morally destroyed me, I got completely exhausted, physically and psychologically, my spirit was simply depleted, and then after being victimized, traumatized and totally demoralized it drugged me, forcing me to disconnect not only psychologically because of the trauma, to dissociate, but chemically with the drug, making my tyrannical moral identity to finally dominate me, so I completely forgot about my moral fight, chemically deceived, suffering medical spellbinding and dissociating because of the psychiatric trauma without even realizing it. I was unable to fight back and win this fight while I was drugged and confused and also when I was suffering withdrawal, I was incapacitated.

 

It was all an open fight against the demon of my "crazy", extreme, twisted, tyrannical and postraumatic moral identity.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry delegitimized and forcibly put my moral fight and inner-external conflict to an end without even understanding or acknowledging it, then spreaded and hid the one thousands pieces of the puzzle of my life that I had finally almost complete all over the place, so what I've been doing for the past 3+ years, since I definitely quit Sertraline and I reconnected with all my unprocessed traumas and psych pain, is to collect all these forgotten and hid pieces to make sense of the story of my life, and I finally did it, again, and it was the demon of my trauma based moral identity what was making me "be" and feel "dysfuntional", "abnormal" and "immoral", it was the cause of my "dysfunctionality", "abnormalities" and "immorality", so if I had had the right amount of moral support (Dabrowski's second factor) I would had defeated it and I would have become a "functional" and "normal" person, "moral". I tried to understand and defeat it 8 years ago, and I mostly did on my own, but I needed that external moral support and emotional validation and it never happened, so I stayed a "dysfuntional", "abnormal" and "immoral" person.

 

What psychiatry achieved is basically making me give up in the search for moral support and destroying my morale, depleting my spirit, with its brutality.

[Gonzo]

My father died a few hours ago of cancer, and I want this to be my last post in my thread, because I think I figured out everything I needed to.

 

My post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity is my poison, what poisons my soul, my spirit. When I feel immoral, when my post-traumatic moral identity dominates and possess me, my perception of everything changes, of reality, of myself, of others, everything is distorted, I become insecure, distrustful, paranoid, hypervigilant, doubtful, I lose my confidence, etc, my perspective just changes, and then I am judged, stigmatized and abused by others, this is what happened to me before, during and after the psychiatric intervention, which is why I am terrified of feeling immoral. Psychiatry reinforced my core fear, my terror, my trauma.

[Gonzo]

I'd say just one more thing and that is that psychiatry made me loose insight over my moral fight, in multiple ways, specially because of Sertraline, that chemically deceived me making me feel, think and belief that it was over.

 

Psychiatry and Sertraline made me lost my most valuable insights, in fact, and I've been recovering them, they destroyed all my personal progress and personal development because they stopped my moral fight, they stopped me from challenging the moral system and my moral identity, they stopped me from continuing fighting the good fight, it ruined my spirit.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I became clearly aware of the projections of my traumatized mind dominated, possessed, by my post-traumatic, extreme, tyrannical, twisted and diabolical moral identity, I became very suspicious, paranoid, hypervigilant, hateful, resentful, violent even, agitated, anxious, stressed, etc, once more, around people, even familiar people, even if things were going well in my life and I was fulfilling societal expectations, being "moral", and I isolated myself to try to overcome them, to understand all that, my reactions, and fix it, without moral support, by myself. I had that insight and it was very strong, because I knew very well what all this was about, because I fought against all this like hell when I was a teenager. I was trying to understand and overcome once for all my excruciating and life long moral suffering, that no one ever understood and connected with, and to find its meaning, to end it, to free myself from it. That's why I did all those things that made me "dysfunctional", "abnormal", "inmoral", all those things that psychiatry punished me for. That's why I stopped my life for one year and half. I needed that, desperately, but no one understood me, any of my acts. Psychiatry and Sertraline made me forget all this, to disconnect, and when I stopped Sertraline both in 2019 and 2020 and during withdrawal everything back again, including my old "dysfuntional" coping strategies such as the obsessive-compulsive behaviors that psychiatry pathologized and stigmatized. They tell people they have "chronic" conditions and they're "right" because they never address the painful and complex issues behind the reactions, coping strategies and behaviors that they pathologize and stigmatize, they just suppress people, so yeah, because of total lack of moral support, external emotional validation and understanding, all that becomes chronical and drugs become the only way to relief the pain, legal or illegal.

 

There are no answers or meaning in psychiatric labels, in all those "diagnoses" and fancy names, they cause of our suffering it is in what happens and/or happened to us. I used those psychiatric labels and fancy names to be in denial of what happened to me and to escape the pain for too many years, and for that reason, among others and specially because of the psychiatric intervention, I never overcame my trauma and moral suffering, I never recovered and was able to move foward in my life.

 

That's what psychiatry is for, to deny and hide what truly happened/happens, to be in denial, using drugs and psychological "treatments", just pure gaslighting.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry made me terrified of getting into my moral fight again, because of how deeply it traumatized me with its victimizing intervention, even if I still needed to due to never obtaining the moral support that I needed to end my moral suffering, and then it drugged me while it was victimizing and traumatizing me, making me disconnect from the psychiatric trauma and forget it as well as my moral fight, that never ended but I felt, thought and believed that it had finally ended, being chemically deceived and suppressed, suffering medical spellbinding. Just a twisted and cruel lie.

 

Before getting drugged and traumatized by psychiatry I had all the insight in the world about my problems and needs, because I was completely connected to them, I was just overwhelmed, in crisis, but for  psychiatry I lacked that insight because I had lost my mind and became crazy so it drugged me to come back to their ***** up concept of "normalcy", and then I lost all that insight for the next 7 years.

 

I feared that my “crazy” moral identity would come back to possess me and make me “dysfunctional.”

 

Psychiatry made me see and feel my moral fight as absurd, illogical and dangerous, so I never ended it.