Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

March 15

I think I never healed from that narcissistic relationship and her narcissistic abuse, because I believed the poison that she projected to me, that I was crazy, that I had lost my mind and control over myself and became insane, that I was basically a dangerous criminal very close to having been commited a crime, so when I believed all those things, what she projected to me, I blamed myself for all her abuse and what happened between us, for all the ugliness, I internalized her oppression and toxicity and I started seeing myself as she saw me at the end.

You can't recover beliving that you're crazy, you self-gaslight, reject reality and the painful truth and become your own worst enemy, being forever fighting against yourself, in a never entre inner civil war.

I think this narcissistic abuse trauma and her toxic projections that I internalized was one of the biggest reasons why I couldn't recover, she hurt me so badly, so much, she knocked me out for years.

This is the complex trauma, many layers of interconnected traumas, pain, and dissociation.

it's all connected to trauma, they're all reactions.

March 15

All that matters now is how you see yourself, and you do what you can to get your own life together again for yourself!

Take care 👍🏼😊🙏

March 15

Yes, tomorrow it's the 7 year aniversary since I got out of the hospital and I recovered my freedom, but not completely, because I was drugged and stuck with my trauma, chemically disconnected from it, deceived, feeling, thinking and believing that it was finally gone. I knew already when I was 19 yo that you're not really free unless you overcome trauma, if you don't, you're dominated by your overwhelming traumatic needs, feelings and emotions, no matter if you recognize them or not, and you lack true freedom. I forgot it. Now I remember again. Today was a sad day, I have a lot of work to do to recover my life and my true self, I see each passing day that more clearly, and the trauma that I suffered, I reconnect more and better with reality ane myself. I spent too much time dettached from my true self and from life. Most people don't give a **** about trauma, they go on, and on, and on, and judge if you stop to recover or to make sense of what happened to you, but I did care, and I do care, and I wanted and want to understand it and heal it. And I will finish what I started 8 years ago.

That woman really shattered my to pieces, when I was suffering that retraumatizing withdrawal and I was the most vulnerable. I was not crazy, I was suffering an unknown and overwhelming withdrawal and her narcissistic abuse.

March 15

I guess I didn't want or couldn't accept what happened to me, all the pain, the trauma, I didn't want to live in reality, I rejected it, but life doesn't stop, it needs to move on.

What happened to me is and was real and painful, I'm not and I wasn't crazy, I was just reacting to my life events, so my postraumatic reactions and "madness" were all logical, meaningful.

That woman left me with one hand in front and one behind, emotionally hooked to her but abused and abandoned, she could have been the end of my trauma, she could have made me heal, but she only aggravated and complicated my already complex trauma even more and made me stop completely my search for validation and closure, making me feel like a crazy person, an unstable, out of control, dangerous criminal and a monster.

The more complex and deeper the trauma is the more desperate and complicated is the need for emotional validation, to release the stored postraumatic stress and rest.

I also think that withdrawal "neuroemotions" (the coming back of chemically suppressed emotions and feelings, sometimes completely forgotten) make a lot more difficult to control the preexisting painful, (post-)traumatic feelings and emotions, so that's why we fall into "emotional spirals" like it's described here in this website, we feel endangered by them (because we fear others reactions to them, if we show them), overwhelming, scared and we desperately try to control them again.

My emotions, feelings, thoughts and reactions always have been logical and meaningful, no matter if I didn't know and thought the opposite, and no matter what others think and thought.

March 15

All the things that psychiatry labelled in my case as madness weren't madness, they had logic and were meaningful. It was just stigma and oppression.

I couldn't make sense of my internal experiences 8 years ago because I didn't want to face my TRAUMA, the PAIN, same thing happened after the breakup in 2021, so my trauma dominated me and hijacked my mind and my life.

I've just felt like I did in 2015, it was like time travel. I can clearly see that my past self and current me needed emotional validation and understanding desperately, to move on with life, to let the past behind, and that the toxic psychiatric intervention made a year and half crisis into a 8+ years long crisis.

I have been trying to rest for years but my post-traumatic emotions and feelings never left me.

March 15

I couldn't address my post-traumatic emotions and feelings on my own, and all at once, no matter how hard I forced myself, they were too intense, too overwhelming, and too painful. I guess that's why I was in desperate need of external emotional validation, understanding, help and support.

I know now why I isolated myself 8 years ago, to protect myself from my trauma triggers, to avoid them, to protect my reality from their terrifying messages, to avoid getting stuck into the postraumatic cognitive dissonance and to control my postraumatic reactions.

If there is logic and meaning then there is no madness, except for psychiatry.

I had to fight so hard to escape from the psychiatric madness.

When I was hospitalized, 7 years ago, I was too exhausted to defend myself from it oppression, mentally, emotionally and physically, after one year and half of resisting trapped in my postraumatic crisis, cognitive dissonance, reactions and "madness", I was depleted, I just couldn't resist its brutal oppression and "medical" madness.

I also remember now that I became very obsessive-compulsive during my post-traumatic crisis and "madness" due to the insecurity and fear I felt inside of me, they were individualistic and desperate coping behaviors because I had no validation from anyone, no one understood me, what I was experiencing and going through.

Also, that woman hurt me so badly because first of all I was drugged when we started hanging out and dating so I didn't give a damn about her narcissistic abuse and the red flags, I felt in control, I was high and sedated, apathetic towards those things, and then my retraumazating withdrawal started, her lovebombing ended and her mask fell off, openly showing her ugly side, but I was too overwhelmed, scared, desperate and confused by the withdrawal so I clung to her looking for safety, support, validation and understanding, to find closure for my trauma I guess, even if she was becoming more and more abusive, I was in despair, extremely vulnerable and very weakened and very very confused and overwhelmed, and I couldn't accept nor understand her ugly side, why and how she had changed her personality so quickly, she was intense and caring and she had become uncaring and cold overnight, I was emotionally hooked to her, as she pretended, I needed her too much. Anyway, right after she hooked me she lost interest in me and during the chaos of withdrawal she got tired of me and my emotional reactivity and unstability, so she told that she would tell the police that I was harassing her if I didn't leave her alone, she said it right after I told her about my "OCD" as a way to explain the chaos that occurred after I stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey, I had no idea what withdrawal or narcissistic abuse, I didn't understand anything, I was too desperate to end things well to avoid a trauma or to keep the relationship alive, I didn't want to be abandoned, if she had to go I wanted it to be in a soft manner, not like that. She basically treated me as if I was a crazy, unstable, out of control, dangerous criminal close to commiting a crime, a lunatic, and I **** my pants after she threatened me, I really felt I had lost control, I was suffering those pesky "neuroemotions" and I thought I had gone crazy, mad, insane, that she was right. In reality as I said I was suffering a very retraumazating withdrawal and her narcissistic abuse but I just had no idea and I believed the poison that she projected to me to make me left her the hell alone, to knock me out. I thought I had the validation, understanding and support of this person, I thought she was gonna help me to go through my issues, to heal I suppose, as she told me that she would do, that's why once I felt secure with her, confident (i.e. once she had hooked me), I stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey, I only knew about the "rebound effect" so I thought that's not a big deal if she is there to support me and to go through this, also she was very sexual and Sertraline sexual side effects were a problem to intimate and connect better and to get her validation, to find closure for my trauma. She just had manipulated me, used me and scammed me so badly. She lost interest in me the moment she hooked me, just when I decided to stop taking Sertraline and to trust her when I felt that she had proved enough to trust her, I don't think it's a coincidence, narcissistic people operate that way, once they hook their victims the game is over, because they won it. So I unknowngly chosed the worst person to go through withdrawal, a person that didn't give a **** about me, that just played with me, I was only a game for her. I decided to stop taking Sertraline because due to sexual side effects I saw it as an obstacle to connect better with between us, for intimacy, to achieve my end goal which was to heal my trauma through understanding and external emotional validation, the only possible way.

She probably hurted me more than psychiatry did.

Yeah, very messy stuff.

March 16

She just had manipulated me, used me and scammed me so badly. She lost interest in me the moment she hooked me and trauma bonded me, just when I decided to stop taking Sertraline and to trust her when I felt that she had proved enough to trust her, I don't think it's a coincidence, narcissistic people operate that way, once they hook their victims the game is over, because they won it, it becomes then a boring game that they don't want to play anymore and after losing interest they start discarding their victims, which is specially traumatizing for them because they're trauma bonded to their narcissistic abusers, emotionally hooked and hijacked, craving for more of the lovebombing drug.

I was too exhausted and overwhelmed after resisting one year and half immersed in postraumatic "madness" at the hospital to defend myself against the psychiatric madness, then, under coerccion, I started taking Sertraline and disconnecting from my real emotions, feelings and needs, so the postraumatic "madness" kept going, secretly, unnoticed, but now aggravated by the psychiatric madness.

No one understood what was happening to me and what I was going through, no one validated me, my "crazy" experience, I was totally isolated in my postraumatic "madness" crisis, and because of that, it never ended, I never found closure, I got stuck in my head, in that nightmarish postraumatic reality.

I got out of the hospital infected with the virus of the psychiatric madness, I just didn't know, I was dissociated and drugged, I was emotionally disconnected from my (traumatic) experience, and when I reconnected, in September 2020, I did it with the worst possible person, with that narcissistic and abusive woman.

I knew when I was 19-20 that overcoming my trauma was a matter of survival and of living a meaningful life.

I never was crazy, not the psychiatric type of craziness at least, psychiatry is the only madness here, it's totally insane.

My Withdrawal was a reality shock that I was not prepared for.

To make sense of all this is to recover meaning.

If I tell myself that my internal experiences are meaningless, that I'm crazy, if I gaslight and invalidate myself, how am I going to feel better? I can't, and I couldn't.

March 16

7 years already... I understood this morning the feelings and emotions that I felt 8 years ago, I wanted to understand and overcome once and for all my "difficult" post-traumatic emotions, sensations and feelings, the feeling of chronic insecurity, fear, and danger, because I was tired of feeling immoral, "like that", and it was not new, all that painful inner experience, I had always felt "that way" throughout my life, inmoral, regardless of the circumstances, that's the thing, I couldn't understand it, back then things were even going good for me, finally, and I couldn't find any meaning or explanation for it, I couldn't make sense of it, it was like I was crazy, I self-gaslighted myself, and I became obsessed with those post-traumatic emotions, feelings and sensations, with my "immorality", without being able to find a cause and concrete explanation, external emotional validation and closure, without being able to tolerate and accept them, and the feelings, emotions, and sensations and postraumatic reactions became more and more intense until they became terrifying, absolutely overwhelming, and hijacked my mind and my life. It developed into an identity crisis, existential/meaning crisis, quarter life crisis, postraumatic crisis.

Then psychiatry happened, it didn't understand me and my experience, at all, it pathologized me, making me look and feel like a crazy person, treating me like a crazy person, and after a few years that narcissistic relationship and withdrawal happened together and my inmoral feelings, emotions and sensations came back roaring again, she was the nail in the coffin. When I was drugged with Sertraline I disconnected from all that painful inner experience, for the most part, and during withdrawal it came back stronger than ever, the chemical deception came to an end while I was suffering narcissistic abuse and those damn "neuroemotions", she made me feel like a monster, inhuman, absolutely inmoral, it was completely overwhelming and devastating.

Even when I was arrested and incarcelated at the hospital I was still hopeful that they would help me there to overcome all this, I just was naïve and ignorant.

I can't and I don't want to let all this "inmoral" inner experience "madness" continue paralizing my life, specially in this kind of individualistic, capitalistic, narcissistic, oppresive and alienating society, where everyone needs to be fully "functional" all the time, productive and competitive, like robots, to generate income, to save yourself, to survive, or you're shamed and replaced by someone else for not doing so, so, what I do now? I tried to fix this "issue" 8 years ago, until psychiatry and finally that woman sabotaged me and stopped me from doing what I needed to do to satisfy my traumatic needs, to find (validation, meaning and) closure, the psych pain was too much to bear alone.

I know now that no matter if I can find the exact cause for my painful "inmoral" inner experience and postraumatic "madness" or not I'm not crazy, it's there for a reason, a good one, even if it hurts. It's meaningful, logical, normal, and real, there is nothing wrong with me or faulty (for feeling inmoral) and if I gaslighting myself nothing good comes out of it, and it's not my fault, I didn't cause that pain to myself, it was inflicted to me, even if I can't remember exactly how, when or where.

Feeling "like that/this"... Feeling inmoral. Yeah. Like a bad person. Feelings of deep shame, (self-)guilt, anxiety, anger, stress, confusion, distrust, sadness... Psychiatry nor anyone ever understood my inner experience. I am not perfect but I am valid, worthy, and I'm not inmoral, I'm not a bad person and I'm not crazy or abnormal.

We humans need to understand things, to find meaning. It's just a human need.

Let's see what happens from now on. This is real, no drug.

March 16

These chronic deep feelings of immorality, shame and danger, what I called "emotional flashbacks", my (postraumatic) emotional and mental "madness" (crisis) that psychiatry made chronic (literally a chronic mental condition), are the fear of punishment come from personal experiences in the relational environment, that's usually oppresive and alienating, it means that they're (postraumatic) reactions, trauma responses, to what happened to the person that suffers them in their relational environment, so there is a logical cause and meaning behind them, of that's the case, which it is, it can't be madness, because madness means that it lack any kind of logic and meaning. It's trauma, meaningful and logical. So. Well. I'm just remembering things that I forgot.

I wanted something better than that, I wanted a better life.

And all what I've been doing for the past 3+ years is getting in and out of the psychiatric madness, loosing and recovering meaning and control over myself and my life, disempowering and empowering again, disconnecting and connecting again, it was death and rebirth I guess.

You can't run away and hide from yourself, from your own inner experiences, feelings and emotions, no matter how much you want and try, numb and suppress yourself.

When I was 19, one year and half before being hospitalized, I was feeling "bad", I couldn't even name the feelings, it was shame, guilt, anxiety, paranoia... And it didn't make sense to me back then, for various reasons, it felt like if I was crazy, I guess. Well, during this morning I was able to put them finally a name: feelings of immorality. Obviously postraumatic feelings and reactions.

March 16

Back then, when I was 19-20, I tried to "fix" those "inmoral" feelings, I didn't want to live in fear anymore, and I went down the rabbit hole, then I was hospitalized and psychiatry sabotaged me, made me feel like a crazy person, as if what I had tried and needed to do was insane and dangerous, as if my personal needs were the ones of a lunatic. That's how I felt when I got out of the hospital. And that's it, basically. Psychiatry makes people believe that they're crazy, that their needs, reactions, feelings, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, beliefs and identities aren't legitimate, that they're nonsensical, indoctrinating and brainwashing them to self-gaslight, self-suppress and self-blame, when in fact, I had to spent years of my life to get out the psychiatric madness. My "madness" has always been pretty much ok, logical, meaningful, even if distressing.

I guess what I always tried to do and desperately needed to do was to escape the "madness" of my postraumatic feelings and emotions, of my "immortality", to feel normal, valid, worthy, to escape the social stigma, to feel safe, in control, to suffer less, to avoid being punished, revictimized, to feel better, to feel loved, to find closure for my long lasting and complex trauma, to have inner peace, and to be at peace with the rest of the world, those always have been my traumatic needs.

I left something undone, 7 years ago, and I have to fix it. To find closure, to rest, to have inner peace.

Psychiatry made me fear myself, my true self and my true potential, because the last time I tried to be myself and to unlock it I was brutally oppressed, gaslighted and alienated, victimized, I was sabotaged.

Psychiatry don't believe in anything, it's pure nihilism, they just drug, suppress, gaslight and oppress people. It's just madness.

March 16

I need to fix what I left undone 7 years ago but not myself, because I'm not broken, faulty, I'm not mad like psychiatry said.

I just got stuck trying to resolve my postraumatic feelings, sensations and emotions of immorality and "madness", the overwhelming and paralizing traumatic shame and (self-)guilt, obsessed, trying to do it all by myself, never receiving or finding the external emotional validation I desperately needed to find closure and overcome them, and as a result I remained stuck in the trauma, in my traumatic past, not being able to move foward, desperately and obsessive-compulsively trying to avoid, control, resist, suppress and fight my overwhelming postraumatic inner experience, my "emotional flashbacks", never being able to do so, because you can't run away from yourself, you can't escape your own mind and body, you're stuck with yourself, your inner experiences, traumas and pain, forever.

That's why I needed external emotional validation, to find closure for my overwhelming postraumatic inner experience and "madness", to heal trauma and overcome my paralizing feelings of immorality, my internalized oppression, the traumatic shame and guilt, to go back to "normal" being fully "functional". It's not possible to do it without it, reason why I never overcame my trauma, postraumatic crisis and reactions, and why I got stuck trying to do it on my own, because I never gave up. Psychiatry inserted this toxic idea in my mind, the idea that I had gone insane, and at the end, with more abuse, I believed it.

But the psychiatric madness and my own "madness" are coming to an end, I can feel it.

March 16

You cannot feel safe in your own skin, body and mind, if you believe there is something wrong with you, abnormal, illegitimate, immoral, bad, evil, crazy, insane, you will never be able to rest, you will not be able to heal and you cannot reach your full potential as a person. Trauma stays with you, controlling you, like a puppet. This is how I felt, what I felt, what I wanted to overcome and fix. Reaching your full potential as a person easily can mean being fully "functional" in this capitalistic, hypercompetitive, individualistic and narcissistic society, because you are the most productive you can be, you climb higher in the social hierarchy and you get rewarded as a result, so it's not just about finding meaning, healing trauma, and being able to rest releasing the stored post-traumatic stress from your mind and body, and reconnecting with your lost and true self, it is not just a matter of happiness, it is also a matter of survival and living fully, with quality of life, the best you can in this society. That was what I wanted, needed and tried to do, those were my real needs and legitimate goals, what guided my actions, when I was not high and disconnected, when I was clean. I know most people around me couldn't understand that or what I was going through, but that doesn't mean I needed their help any less. And psychiatry... Their "help" was directly harmful. I isolated myself when I was 19-20 to avoid my trauma triggers, everything and everyone triggered me back then, and to control my post-traumatic reactions, feelings and emotions, my "dangerous" "immoral" inner experience and "madness", but because I lacked the help I needed all of that ended overwhelming me and hijacking my mind and my life, and it got much more complicated, I suffered a hellish emotional spiral. All my actions were logical and meaningful, I was not crazy, I didn't act like that being "crazy" and possessed by the "Pure O OCD" demon/"mental illness" as psychiatry said, I didn't loose my mind, at least not like they said I did, I acted guided by my real needs, by logic and a clear objective in mind, even if I was confused, desperate and in bad shape when I got arrested and sent to the hospital, incarcelated, psychiatry made everything infinitely worse than already was.

My main objective was to move foward in my life, "clean", to leave the trauma behind, to have a better life, living fully. I never achieved my objectives and satisfied my traumatic needs, that were dominating me, because of psychiatry. Now it's a different story.

March 16

I blamed my "Pure O OCD" for the withdrawal and narcissistic abuse that I suffered, the first thing I didn't know and the second I also didn't know about, but the "diagnosis" was useful as a way to reject what happened to me with that girl, how she abused and humiliated me, to reject the painful reality, as many people do when refuging in them.

I wanted to live my life fully and freely instead being dominated by my traumatic needs and controlled by them like a puppet, I didn't want to be a slave of my trauma for the rest of my life, I was tired of feeling "that way", of living like a traumatized person, always suffering for no apparent logical/good reason.

Psychiatry made me fear all the ideas that I had before the psychiatric intervention because of the trauma it caused me, for the fear of being revictimized.

When I finally stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey all my true needs came back suddenly and with them all my unachieved objectives, but I didn't understand anything anymore and how to do that.

I think I need to accept and let go all this, maybe that's the only closure I will get.

March 16

I'm not abnormal nor crazy for feeling all these emotions and feelings and having these reactions, no matter how intense, scary and painful they are, they are logical, they make sense. My experiences are meaningful. Saying the opposite is saying that I am crazy, and I am not. This is real, meaningful and logical, it's connected to what happened to me and I suffered in life. But it's also transient. My withdrawal was a retraumazating reality shock, the end of the chemical deception and fake inner peace.

The worst part is listening to the painful emotions and feelings, feeling them, because if they're horrible it's very likely that horrible things happened to you. They tell the truth, the scream it when you feel/don't listen to them, when you reject them, their messages, maybe it's a truth coming from the past that don't make sense in the present time, maybe it's an awful truth that you don't wanna see or just can't accept. And going through that psychological experience and accepting it is an horrible experience, is accepting the painful truth, reprocessing reality, and unprocessed traumas. This becomes even more painful, exhausting and difficult when you're alone to do it, sometimes is simply unbearable, too much distress, too much pain, an emotional hell.

But if you don't go through this hellish mental and emotional chaos, through this living nightmare, if you don't validate the difficult and overwhelming feelings and emotions, if you self-gaslight, self-suppress (chemically and/or psychologically) and feel like a crazy person for having these inner experiences like psychiatry does and teaches to do, the pain never goes away, it never becomes less intense, but the opposite, the painful feelings and emotions scream louder and louder until you can't ignore them anymore and they hijack your mind and your life, until they paralyze you forcing you to feel them, to listen to them and their messages.

But I'm not crazy like psychiatry told me and all this is just a crisis, temporary.

I think it doesn't really matter if you can't tell exactly at first where the pain comes from, exactly when and how it started, it's important to know those things to make sense of the whole experience but IMO the most important thing is to know that the psych pain is logical and meaningful, that it does make sense, that is valid and normal, to validate it, that way you start feeling and listening to it, you start reprocessing it and probably be able to slowly answer those questions.

You have to honour the psych pain, to feel it, to validate it, to reprocess it, before you start feeling really better. There is no other way. But you don't have to do it alone, and in fact, alone is in many cases just impossible because it is too much to bear on your own, unbearable.

Emotions and feelings (and thoughts) are not wrong, bad or dangerous, what I think people fear for the most part is the social consequences of acting on them and showing them, the others reactions to them, because it's true that we need external emotional validation to be well regulated persons and sometimes in some places those emotions and feelings (and thoughts) are not appropiate or even dangerous due to the reactions that others could have to them and they don't validate them so we are on our own with our inner experiences and pain.

March 16

I think withdrawal can bring back forgotten or/and psychologically reppressed painful and difficult emotions and feelings that were like that even before being chemically suppressed by the drug, so during withdrawal they resurface with an extreme intensity and become very distressing, confusing and difficult to manage.

If you reject the feelings and emotions they really transform into chronic conditions.

I always had meaningful and logical reactions to my relational environment, good reasons to act the way I did. The only time I lost my mind was when I took Sertraline and with the psychiatric indoctrination.

March 16

I wasn't able to name my feelings and emotions in the past, even before psychiatry, everything was reppressed, I had to, to survive.

But today finally I was able to put a name to my overwhelming feelings and emotions, they always have been paralizing, very intense, they're feelings and emotions of immorality, I obsessed with them, trying to control them, to understand them, to find their meaning, to suppress them, on my own, but it was useless, and they hijacked me, my mind and my life when I did that, they completely paralized me. The only thing that can really calm them is external emotional validation, i.e. other people support.

Emotions and feelings are dynamic, they change, they come, they go. They're pure energy, very powerful. Except when you cling to them, resist them, try to control them, repress them, run away from them, etc. Then they transform into chronic mental, emotional, and even physical conditions, quite literally.

I clung to my "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, trying to control them, repress them, resist them, avoid them, understand them, find their meaning, etc, I needed to, to feel safe around people and be (fully) "functional", to survive, because those overwhelmingly intense feelings and emotions made me feel very paranoid and ***** up my cognition/executive functions, i.e. my ability to be productive, competitive, etc. I stopped my life in order to do so, to fix all that, so they became even more powerful and overwhelming, ended up dominating me, hijacking my mind and my life, and I never fixed my issues, specially after the psychiatric intervention.

Psychiatry made me see myself as a crazy, horrible person, who only did crazy, horrible things, things without logic and meaning, so it made it impossible for me to understand and solve the problems in my life, the same problems that it never helped me to solve and that only made worse. Psychiatry, eventually with the help of that narcissistic woman's abuse, made me feel, believe and think that I was crazy, that I had lost my mind, that nothing I did made logical sense. But it did, all of it.

Well, now I rediscovered the problem that I was desperately trying to solve and that psychiatry buried under the trauma that it inflicted to me: my (postraumatic,) overwhelming and paralizing"(in)moral" feelings and emotions. I never solved it, so my need and objective remain the same, 8+ years later. I have work to do.

All this can be fixed, just the opposite of what psychiatry told to me and tells to everybody.

March 16

My (im)moral emotions and feelings have always been my hellish mental and emotional chaos and nightmare, which I tried to understand and overcome the best I could on my own when I was 19-20, and it only got worse since the psychiatric intervention. When I was 24 I tried to open up myself and explain to that narcissistic woman my chaotic and distressing inner experience to find validation, support, closure, but it ended in another revictimization, she triggered those painful emotions and feelings, syrocketing them, like psychiatry did but probably even worse. That was my last try, after that I was too traumatized and emotionally overwhelmed to try again, the pain was too much, I was terrified.

Psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology are too emotionally stupid and toxic to be able to help with all this.

I just didn't want to feel "bad" anymore, I didn't want to live overwhelmed and hijacked by my (postraumatic) "(im)moral" feelings and emotions (and trauma/postraumatic responses) any longer, I just wanted and needed to take back control over my life, to empower myself, to live my own way, to live freely and fully.

This is how my postraumatic crisis and "madness" begun 8+ years ago, what guided my actions, I tried to answer the next questions: why I'm feeling these feelings and emotions again? What's the reason? What caused them? Where do they come from? What's their meaning? How do I control them? I couldn't make sense of them, I had never being able to, and they weren't new to me, but very familiar. All of them came back roaring during my retraumazating withdrawal.

March 17

My reality collapsed during the reality shock of my Sertraline retraumazating withdrawal.

I think I've been searching for external emotional validation non stop since 2015, one way or another, because I never satisfied my traumatic need for safety, it's just that while I took Sertraline that need was less intense, because I was chemically deceived, feeling a fake synthetic stability and sense of security.

I never really felt safe when I took Sertraline, I was just drugged, confused, suffering a sneaky chemical cognitive dissonance-distortion, while I was still emotionally hijacked.

These (postraumatic) "(im)moral" feelings and emotions always have been terrible for me, absolutely overwhelming and paralizing, a living nightmare, an emotional and mental hell, unbearable, so I didn't want that anymore, I wanted to stop the pain.

March 17

My overflowing, insufferable, unbearable "(im)moral" internal experience, my post-traumatic and "(im)moral" and anachronistic emotions, sensations and feelings were "the (traumatic) past hijacking the present", my "emotional flashbacks", the heart of my post-traumatic cognitive dissonance and post-traumatic/existential/identity/meaning/quarter life crisis, what I needed to resolve to move forward with my life, without more psychological obstacles, to be fully "functional", to save myself and survive in this society, but psychiatry sabotaged and blocked me from doing so, when it oppressed alienated me savagely, humiliated and stigmatized me, treating me like if I were a crazy person, labeling me as a crazy person, drugging me, confusing me, deceiving me, lying to me, raping me, making me an addict to Sertraline without me knowing it, re-victimizing me.

When I was drugged all those horrible postraumatic "(im)moral" feelings and emotions were still there, but I didn't care about them at all so they became invisible to me and I totally forgot about them, and how to cope with them.

Those horrible postraumatic "(im)moral" feelings and emotions were the emotional reality of my life that I disconnected from for years when I took Sertraline (and what suddenly came back when I stopped taking it cold turkey), it always have been more or less, they were very familiar to me but at same time a completely mistery because I never understood them. When I took Sertraline I didn't face and resolve all this, so I never overcame it, and I was never able to truly move foward with my life and mature as a person as I needed and wanted to.

Now, I still feel sh*tty, but these are my natural and real feelings and emotions, and they make sense, and I know better what to do with them and my life.

March 17

When I was drugged all those horrible postraumatic "(im)moral" feelings and emotions were still there, but I didn't care about them, at all, I was apathetic towards them, so the more time I spent drugged the more invisible they became to me, because I was emotionally disconnected from my true feelings and emotions, to the point I totally forgot about them, they became ghost feelings and emotions. This is the psychiatric drugs medical spellbinding/chemical deception that I and many others experienced.

I've been consumed by these horrible feelings and emotions since I stopped taking Sertraline and before psychiatry.

March 17

If your mind is screwed your whole life is screwed, in individualistic societies like ours. And my mind went down the toilet. 8 years ago I realized that my mind was projecting the trauma that I suffered (and that was unprocessed but that I thought I had overcome) like crazy, I was very paranoid and I found myself suffering trauma triggers all over the place but I couldn't understand my experience because my environment and circumstance had changed and my abusers were no longer with me (except for my family), my reactions were anachronistic, I found my experience overwhelming and very disturbing, and I tried to solve the problem on my own feeling and knowing that it was not safe to ask for and expect help. I was plunged into a brutal post-traumatic cognitive dissonance and crisis that hijacked my mind and my life. I tried to understand what was happening to me, what was wrong with me, and I tried to explain it to others but no one understood it, no one understood or validated me, and the only thing psychiatry did was to drug me and pathologize me and my obsessive-compulsive reactions, and they were just one of my reactions, it never understood me, my needs and my objectives, it never acknowledged and validated my emotional suffering.

I always have been terrified of my own emotions and feelings, specially these terrible "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, they always have been pure psych pain, pure dread, terrifying, unbearable, extremely uncomfortable, all of it trapped in my body and mind since I can remember.

The motive for my actions always has been fundamentally emotional, to understand/control/overcome/resolve all these mentioned horrible feelings and emotions. I said enough is enough, no more of this suffering that I found unnecessary too, I had spent too many years suffering them.

I needed to regain the meaning that was taken from me to reconnect with my forgotten, overwhelming, true and traumatic personal needs and satisfy them.

My emotions, sensations and feelings cannot hurt me and are not bad nor dangerous, fearing them and trying to suppress/reppress them is normal because what can hurt me and be dangerous, bad, are others and their reactions. I just needed EXTERNAL EMOTIONAL VALIDATION, to be told that I'm not crazy and that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not immoral, especially when I was actively seeking that validation.

March 17

My post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions, sensations and feelings have always been my internal disturbance, which I tried to overcome when I was 19-20 years old, they are social emotions and feelings, their causes are not in the brain or in the individual (if so it means being mad and abnormal because they're meaningless, illogical, and being the one to blame and fix, like psychiatry says and tries to do) but in the interaction with the relational environment, and the solutions as well. They're meaningful, logical and painful reactions. And I need to challenge them. Again (because of useless, harmful and insane psychiatry). Identifying them has already been excruciating and extremely difficult, but it's done, now it's the time to do something about them, I've been totally dominated by them since 2015.

At the end I believed that I was crazy, then I lost my meaning-framework and everything stopped making sense.

I just remembered that when I was a teenager I realized that I was not mad or abnormal, I wasn't the problem, but that my environment was ***** up. I kept that belief until I couldn't no more, after so much abuse and trauma.

I'm not crazy, my experiences are meaningful, logical and reasonable.

If I continue to feel the same as I did 8 years ago, suffering the same emotional suffering and having the same needs and goals, it means that psychiatry and psychology have been completely useless and harmful to me, it means that they're the wrong way.

March 17

When you believe that you're crazy, as psychiatry says, everything stops making sense.

My post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions, sensations and feelings, my internal disturbance, never let me to be fully "functional" and enjoy life fully, I remembered that in the summer of 2015, even of things were finally rolling for me after many years of misery, it came back, and I couldn't understand it, it didn't make sense to me to feel at that moment, it seemed anachronistic, but it was familiar to me, it wasn't something new for me, I knew it too well and how painful it was, I didn't want to normalize it, I wanted to get rid of it, control it, avoid it, overcome it, once for all, and I thought why all this now, all over again? It must be something deeper than I thought, because my circumstances have changed for the better and I still feel all these sh*tty emotions, feelings and sensations inside of me, it must have some meaning, some cause, some logic that I can't comprehend and see yet. It was a total mistery and a big problem for me, so I tried to solve it.

I didn't do anything morally wrong nor crazy, everything what I did was meaningful, logical, understandable, reasonable, necessary, yet they made me feel as if I did it, like an horrible person.

These horrible post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions, sensations and feelings, my internal disturbance, is what I 've been trying to cope with using ("dysfunctional") individualistic and desperate coping strategies such as obsessive-compulsive behaviors (that actually got worse when I was hospitalized, while I took Sertraline and during my retraumazating withdrawal), some addictions, etc, lacking true support, validation and understanding from others, so I just did what I could to feel better even if it's just temporary relief and not a long lasting solution, in other words I did what I was forced to do, because what I originally wanted and tried to do was to find that long lasting solution, but I was sabotaged by stupid and evil people.

Psychiatric drugs are a short term "solution", i.e. nothing more than just a "dysfunctional" coping strategy.

Sertraline made me disconnect emotionally to the point of forgetting my post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions, sensations and feelings, my internal disturbance, it completely deceived me and my brain, that's why my withdrawal was so retraumazating, so shocking, so distressing, so confusing, so overwhelming, so incomprehensible, so cruel.

I knew that to be my true self and reach my full potential I had to overcome this inner disturbance, that is actually an inner-external conflict, with my relational environment. I never lost my mind, the problem is that no one ever understood me.

**** the MH system/industry, they're all insane.

March 17

Most if not all of the MH "experts" are insane and crush people's souls. They crushed my soul for too long and suppressed me with Sertraline, I'd still be suppressed taking Sertraline had I been followed the words of my last psychiatrist regarding its use, she said I had to take it for the rest of my life. Just insane. They scare me, to be honest, they have too much power, they hurt me so much, for too many years.

I feel the way I feel for good reasons, not because there is something wrong, abnormal or I'm crazy.

March 17

Hi, I don’t want to be insensitive to your situation but having read your posts for days now…I get that you have to let it out, but won’t the healing process be better if you focused on creating the life you would like to have soon instead of the intense focus on the wrong that as been done to you. Just trying to help you shift your mindset towards healing and you making choices for your future self in the present. 😊

sending you positive love energy! 💕💕💪💪

March 17

In a way, I do believe it is okay or even good to have something to feel angry about, especially if it's reasonable for you. Sometimes, the times when I feel worst are when I have no direction for my bad feelings and thoughts except directing them towards myself, which makes me feel so trapped that I cannot even dream of ever getting better. There were so many worse days and much worse symptoms, but when it comes to how I feel, it was always better to have something to be focused on, even if it's something that is absurd when we're in a normal condition.

There are so many times when there's nothing I can do about how I feel (even if there's a way, I can't know), and there are also many times when I do feel there's something I can do to make the situation slightly better, but I wouldn't act on it. I believe there are many psychological reasons down there, but anyway... I won't regret, I just wish I can be better at taking care of myself.

March 17

No, I'm venting, a lot, to let my emotions flow. I don't know when I will finish venting tho. The amount of energy and feelings that I had inside of me, that's been reppressed, psychologically and chemically, is huge.

I know it can be triggering and distressing for some people but if I keep it inside of me it will be much worse for me. I don't want to compartimentalize my feelings and emotions anymore, or to suppress them. I want them out, at least their intensity.

What was done to me was horrible and I've been trying to avoid facing it for too long.

I need to do this to reprocess all of it, my pain, my feelings and emotions, to be able to truly start rebuilding my life.

March 17

But I apologize, I haven't read the posts on here thoroughly yet. I just wanted to express my thoughts that I've been having these days... And as @Kaylaq says, I really wish I can only focus on the future from now on, and sometimes that becomes so easy... But like today, when I absolutely have no way out from feeling so terrible (which thankfully got better over time having done some wise things), I just can't have those kinds of thoughts. Today was so absurd, I could not imagine my future at all. I was stuck somewhere, but I can't tell where that was. These days, I'm stuck in some very weird place in my mind. Sleep is so terrible; waking up is equally terrible. At night, I can't sleep, but generally, I do feel a little better as day turns into night.

March 17

I absolutely understand what you mean, as I've been doing exactly the same thing.

I was too afraid not to express them, and I still am. Moreover, as I get more memories about my past, I just can't help but to express things that have been repressed in me for most of my lifetime.

But I've also said things to my family that I regret recently. I've hurt their feelings, as I was so hurt and damaged.
In the end, I guess every person just has a different condition, so the need for expressing emotions and thoughts might be just one of those...

March 17

Yeah, sorry if I was too rough in my response. I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It was actually meant for @Kaylaq. But yes, each person has its own and personal process. I'm now reaching my core emotional "issues", which has been extremely difficult and painful.

I mean, when I started this thread I couldn't understand my feelings, sensations and emotions at all, they're still there and mostly the same, and this is the emotional and mental chaos that I've been describing since last summer. It's the excruciating "(im)moral" chaos that I have inside of me, it's hell, and now I can name it.

My "(im)moral" feelings, sensations, and emotions, my inner disturbance, they have such an intensity, they're so overwhelming, very likely worse than 8+ years ago, when I started all this healing process that psychiatry and the whole MH system/industry sabotaged, making it much worse, adding more layers of trauma to my already existing complex and overwhelming trauma.

I didn't want to run away from my pain anymore, I wanted and tried to face this unbearable suffering, to find its meaning, I gave everything I had to do so, just to be oppressed, pathologized, dumbed down and blocked, sabotaged, forced to disconnect taking Sertraline and to loose 7 years of my life, stupidly, because of those evil and stupid MH "experts". So yeah, I'm very very angry, my anger is justified.

No one ever understood and helped with my struggles.

I definitely made progress, towards rebuilding my life and having inner peace, tho.

As I said my previous posts, I lived in four different realities in my life in the past 8-9 years: the present time and "true" reality, the postraumatic/trauma nightmarish reality and cognitive dissonance, the Sertraline fake chemical reality that deceived me from the previous two, and the withdrawal reality that is a mix of the previous three. And I couldn't see which of the four was the true reality. This is also part of the hellish mental and emotional chaos that I've been described for the past months here, that psychiatry didn't create enterely because it already existed but deeply aggravated it with Sertraline and the psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing.

March 17

👍🏻👍🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊 💕

March 17

Thanks @Kaylaq and everyone who commented, it's paramount to be seen, understood and heard to recover, to be validated. I know most people here have good intentions and just want to help, which is great.

Reaching the truth is not always easy, but many times a painful, exhausting and slow process, and shocking at the end, that's why so many people spend so much time being in denial.

When I was hospitalized my meaning framework collapsed under the weight of the oppression and alienation that I endured there, the same happened when I experienced that revictimizing breakup and narcissistic abuse with that was left of it.

In an individualistic society we are alone to go through the pain, it's all dog eat dog.

These horrible post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions and feelings always have been a torture for me, all my life. Let's see what I do next, I don't know yet...

When no one helps you to go through the pain, you're forced to compartimentalize, to reppress, to disconnect, to dissociate, through the use of drugs or other "dysfuntional" individualistic and desperate coping strategies, because becomes unbearable, too much to handle alone.

I never felt safe feeling my feelings and emotions.

All this happens in deeply individualistic societies where everyone is deeply traumatized and terrified of their own feelings and emotions, specially of showing them to others and being vulnerable while doing so, because of the fear of being punished, oppressed, alienated revictimized. As a result, everyone rejects the psych pain and denies the trauma, pathologize and stigmatize them, etc.

An individualistic society is a society where everyone is disconnected, divided, overwhelmed and scared, of themselves, of the other.

Maybe now that I have a good understanding of my inner world, inner experiences, feelings, sensations and emotions I'll be able to do what I need to to move foward in my life sooner than later. I never had this level of insight before, it's something completely new.

March 17

The psychiatric trauma that I experienced during the psychiatric intervention made me terrified of wanting and needing to face and "heal" my postraumatic and "(im)moral" feelings, sensations, and emotions, my inner disturbance, the core of my psychological "issues", ever again, even if I still needed to do so, because I was never able to overcome them, and it prevented me from doing it, for 7 years, because I was unconcioussly afraid of being arrested and locked down, revictimized by psychiatry.

I'm not crazy for feeling "like this", like psychiatry told me and tells everybody, to say that someone is crazy is to say that its experiences are disconnected from reality, and my experiences are definitely connected with reality, with what I experienced in my life, they are logical and meaningful.

Some people cling to their psychiatric "diagnosis" because that way they can deny their painful and overwhelming reality easier, the (indoctrinated) psychiatrists and therapists even help them to be in denial, but that never solves nothing.

March 17

These horrible post-traumatic and "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, my overwhelmingly painful inner disturbance (to put it a name), has always been a psychological torture for me, a mental and emotional hell, my inner demons, controlling me and my life like a puppet, slaving me, it's pure (complex) trauma, and no one ever got it. When psychiatry treat me and made me look like a crazy person, brutally gaslighting me and drugged me, revictimizing me in the worst possible moment, in my most vulnerable state and time, I disconnected from all these terrifying emotions, sensations and feelings and unbearable suffering, dissociating psychologically because of the psychiatric trauma and chemically when I took Sertraline, to the point that I completely forgot it, then everything stopped making sense, because this inner tension and inner-external conflict guided my needs, actions and objectives, towards freedom, freedom of mind, towards the inner peace and rest that I desperately needed. Sertraline gave me a fake chemical inner peace and a deceitful synthetic stability, it all ended when I stopped taking the pills, as it usually happens, the chemical deception came to an end and my true needs and legitimate objetives were still unsatisfied and unachieved, nothing had ever changed, and all the psych pain came back, because it never had gone, me and my brain both were suffering a twisted chemical deception, scammed by this drug and psychiatry, so what actually happened is the my real postraumatic and "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, had become invisible to me, ghost feelings and emotions, they were there and they weren't at the same time, like the Schrödinger's cat, because I had been was apathetic towards them for too long, because of the drug, and during withdrawal, after stopping Sertraline cold turkey, they came back stronger than ever ("neuroemotions"), after so many years chemically suppressed and me having lost all my coping skills and stress tolerance, unequipped to face them again, disarmed, defenseless. It was a cruel lie, a retraumazating withdrawal, but logical and understandable, because I never solved these emotions and satisfied my true and legitimate needs, I was just drugged and what's even worse, suffering a silent substance abuse disorder, addicted to this ******* drug.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_emotions

These are the emotions I'm talking about, but their intensity is extreme for me, excruciating, overwhelming. Psychiatry and that abusive woman aggravated all this.

I'm psychologically exhausted today, I feel like I reprocessed a lot of feelings and emotions. I'm very tired.

I was not living in reality while I took Sertraline and it became a nightmare when I stopped taking the pills and the withdrawal happened. All I wanted was to IMPROVE my reality, to suffer LESS, not more, and that's exactly what did NOT happen, all because of evil and insane psychiatry, it gave me no other choice but to suffer this, since I was at the hospital all these excruciating feelings and emotions had been dominating me, I just didn't know.

March 17

I put my soul and all the courage I had when I was 19-20 to be able to fix my psychological "issues", wounds and trauma, to face my demons, my pain, and improve my life, that's why I isolated myself for 1.5 years, to overcome all these "crazy" post-traumatic and "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, this terrible inner tension, disturbance and psych pain, no one understood me and helped to do so. During withdrawal I ran away from all this, desperately, as long as I could, clinging to the memory of the fake Sertraline reality that I experienced while I was drugged, the true reality was too painful, too overwhelming, but I can't escape it any longer, I'm finally forced to face it.

March 18

Psychiatry did not allow me to solve the problem of my life, hiding it and pathologizing it, pathologizing me, hiding the truth from me, like it always do with everyone.

While I took Sertraline I was living trapped in a cruel chemical lie, not knowing it was a lie, unable to escape it.

Today was a rough day psychologically, I suffered a lot of psych pain, angst, panic, but the more I suffer the more I feel the pain, my true feelings and emotions, the more I reconnect with myself, with my true needs, and the clearer my mind and everything gets, the more insightful I get, everything recovers its meaning more the more I suffer.

Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

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