Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

I was terrified of my inner experiences, of myself, of being and feeling immoral, of others, of being humiliated, victimized, rejected, abandoned. And psychiatry only aggravated those issues, in multiple ways, instead of helping me to resolve them, emotionally and morally supporting me, it depleted me, the energy and spirit I had left after fighting and resisting so much time in that huge personal postraumatic and moral crisis.

 

So, the answer to the question why I felt immoral is simply because that's how my oppresive and alienating relational environment made me feel about myself, illegitimate, immoral, abnormal, crazy, disordered, ill.

 

No one ever helped me to get over all this, to make sense of this nightmarish inner chaos and reality, not even the MH "experts", in fact, those were the people that made everything infinitely worse for me, much more than anyone else. And I had to do all this by myself, to make sense of my emotional and mental hell, of my overwhelming and excruciating inner experiences, while I was deeply traumatized and confused, hijacked by then, by all the crazy making feelings, sensations and sensations that I have been having for the past 8+/9+ years, immersed in that postraumatic and moral crisis.

 

 

[Gonzo]

@FireflyFyte? I just don't understand why Guest is behaving like that in my thread.

[FireflyFyte]

1 hour ago, Quittingquentiapin said:

@Gonzogo to hell! 

 

This type of posting will not be tolerated. If you don't want to read Gonzo's posts, please unfollow. 

[Gonzo]

Thanks @FireflyFyte, I think this person got emotionally triggered multiple times by things that I said previously in my posts but I don't understand why and just doesn't unsuscribe.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry pathologized my OC reactions and behavioral "dysfuntional" individualistic and desperate coping strategy calling it "Pure O OCD" without ever acknowledging and understanding my emotional and moral problem, and traumatized and drugged me, forcing me to disconnect from it, chemically and psychologically, which obviously was just harmful and useless. Then, years later that emotionally abusive narcissistic woman used my psychiatric "diagnosis" to breakup with me, and it was at that moment when I started truly obsessing with the "OCD" stuff and psychiatry and getting indoctrinated, self-blaming, self-shaming and self-suppressing, being in denial, trying to "fix" myself, after experiencing so much narcissistic abuse and moral/emotional injuries, confused and overwhelmed during withdrawal, deeply traumatized.

 

It all always has been a matter of finding meaning, purpose and moral and emotional support. Nothing else.

[Guest]

@FireflyFytewas my post delete ? 
 

Yes, I already turnt it of. Problems with my page again.

[Gonzo]

I never found peace, it was just the chemical deception of Sertraline and medical spellbinding, that made me feel that fake inner peace, in reality I just had been drugged, numbed, sedated, high, confused, lied to, oppressed, alienated, it is the painful truth that it took me so much suffering to understand and accept after quitting, that I still needed to fight for it, to be at peace with myself and the world, that I never reached it, that everything had been just a cruel lie, and behind it were all the abuses and traumas that I suffered along the way and that I had been disconnected from chemically and psychologically, that made me achieving that peace even more difficult than before the psychiatric intervention. It's not only that psychiatry made me forget my unresolved problems without ever having been helped me to solve them, but that it aggravated them with its toxic "treatments" and indoctrination and the trauma that inflicted to me. Then I had to reconnect with all those unprocessed traumas and unresolved problems that I had been disconnected from for years and that I couldn't understand anymore, to solve them, and find closure, all on my own, because most MH "experts" are useless ignorants, scammers and bastards that can't comprehend how trauma works and how it is healed, no one could understand me so no one could help me.

 

This is what Charles L. Whitfield calls Drug stress trauma syndrome:

 

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?c2hd3cwrr3wc3r5

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/607-whitfield-2010-psychiatric-drugs-as-agents-of-trauma/

 

And this crazy world expect people deeply traumatized as me to keep going and be "functional" as if nothing had happened. But things happened. And they were devastating.

[Gonzo]

An hour ago I came back to visit the hospital psychiatric ward where I was involuntarily commited, I just took a look at the entry door, which seems armored, has a magnetic lock and a camera to control access. You have to be really insane like those MH "experts" to think that that oppresive and alienating place is "therapeutic". It was psychiatry what didn't allow me to solve my emotional, social and moral problem (aggravating it), which made my postraumatic and moral crisis chronic, it deeply traumatized me and ***** up my life, they revictimized me, when I needed the most to be emotionally and morally supported, and it did it with its psychological and chemical insane "treatments". They're lunatics, out of their minds, for justifying all this barbaric abuse.

 

There, at that horrible place, they first (re)victimized and traumatized me, brutally oppressing and alienating me, controlling me, taking my freedom away, forcing me to dissociate psychologically, then they drugged me, forcing me to disconnect chemically, so when I stopped taking the pills, both times in 2019 and 2020, the terror that I felt was the terror that I felt there but I forgot it, I was totally dissociated from it since March 2017, so I couldn't understand it when I felt it again during withdrawal, it seemed alien to me, incomprehensible, illogical, like if I was becoming crazy.

 

Psychiatry lacks basic humanity,  plus scientific validity, it violates human rights and their drugs distort people's realities. That's what Sertraline did to me, it distorted my mental and emotional reality, it altered my natural, appropiate, understandable and healthy reactions. Psychiatry violated my human rights.

 

I need to overcome this trauma, I couldn't in the past 7 years (since I came out of that place) mostly became I was drugged and disconnected or overwhelmed by reality during withdrawal, but also because of the narcissistic abuse that I endured.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry violated my human rights and made me afraid, terrified of seeking moral and emotional support again, feeling it as something dangerous and illegitimate.

 

I took a picture of that psychiatric ward armored entry door, I don't want to forget that image, when I think about it, it scares me, is intimidating, that tells everything. I'm still scared. The people that are sent there are deprived of their freedom and human rights, isolated from the rest of them world, completely controlled by the MH staff. It's just dystopic.

 

When I was locked down the MH "experts" there never understood that I hadn't gone mad but that I was going through a overwhelmingly intense moral and postraumatic crisis that I needed to overcome. I wasn't crazy, but they had already made their minds the moment I got there and I had to comply to get out of there, I had to be drugged and suppressed.

 

It's clear to me now that I wasn't living in reality since I got incarcelated, I was just disconnected from it, for years.

 

All this trauma, specially the psychiatric trauma, is a trauma I specially need to find closure for and I think now I'm the closest that I've been of doing it in the past 7 years, since I got out.

 

This is what I've been trying to do for the past 8+ years, to find closure for my moral, social and emotional trauma.

 

When I stopped taking Sertraline broth in 2019 and 2020 I just didn't know how to deal with the emotional, moral and social reality of my life anymore.

[Gonzo]

With Sertraline I lost myself and I lost control over my life, while I took it and when I stopped taking it, during withdrawal, and I didn't realize it, because I was drugged, chemically deceived, suffering medical spellbinding. And emotionally and mentally disconnected from all this madness, from all this brutal abuse, oppression and alienation. I was overwhelmed, confused, desperate and distressed but I never was crazy. I took this drug and I became a manageable person.

 

That narcissistic woman was the nail in the coffin, she reopened the moral and emotional wounds that psychiatry han opened even more when I was hospitalized.

 

It's totally normal and understandable, logical, that I'm so deeply traumatized and so desperate to be heard, seen, emotionally validated and morally supported, it's just completely overwhelming, all the things that happened to me, and society expects me to keep going and be "functional" as if none of this ever happened. Well, it did, duh, and I need support, not their "help". Their help was to suppress me, psychologically and chemically, to stop me from being a problem, annoying and disturbing, arresting me, locking me down and drugging me under coerccion, dumbing me.

 

It's like that famous quote in Joker 2019 film: "The worst part of having a mental illness is that people expect you to behave as if you don't". Just replace mental illness for trauma.

 

With Sertraline, withdrawal and psychiatry I just forgot what my real problems and needs were so I couldn't solve and meet them, I was also drugged, psychologically disconnected because of the trauma, indoctrinated, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed, confused and misleaded, it was simply impossible to even just identify them.

 

All what happened to me is a mix of trauma, oppression, alienation, drug abuse and withdrawal.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry is the cause of my mental and emotional nightmarish chaos.

 

During 2021 and 2022 stages of my withdrawal I clung for as long as I could to the false but "peaceful" reality of the chemical deception of Sertraline.

[Gonzo]

I was trying to explain people there, when I was hospitalized, desperately, confused, totally emotionally overwhelmed, in my own way, trying to make myself to be understood, that no matter how, when or where, I always had felt immoral in my life, again and again, that that "it didn't make sense" (to me), specially during that stage of my life, because things were going pretty well (just before the postraumatic and moral crisis that lead to the involuntary hospitalization started), I was immerse in a postraumatic and moral crisis, and it was my extreme, twisted and trauma based moral identity what was making me have those excruciating and paralizing immoral feelings and emotions, so I was looking for moral and emotional support, validation, to overcome it, to feel "normal", "moral", safe, to find closure for my social, moral and emotional trauma, to feel and be fully "functional". They just couldn't see it, and they aggravated my problem, as much as they could, they victimized and traumatized me further, but also drugged me, so I emotionally disconnected for years from their further retraumatization and revictimized, from the psychiatric trauma and my original trauma, until I stopped taking the pills, when the chemical deception came to an end, then all the terror that I experienced since I was arrested and when I was locked down and before the psychiatric intervention, during that overwhelming and terrifying crisis, came back, and I couldn't make sense of it, I couldn't understand where it was coming from, because I had been disconnected ana chemically deceived, suffering medical spellbinding, for so long, for years, I couldn't understand nor accept that it was all just a cruel lie and that in reality my hunan rights had been violated, it was simply too much, still is. In the hospital I was locked up in a maximum security prison. Psychiatry destroyed my spirit there, it broke it. What happened to me 7 years ago was terrible. Psychiatry, while I was incarcelated and brutally oppressed and alienated, treated like a crazy criminal, deprived of my human rights, made me feel that there was something dangerous and uncontrollable inside of me, an evil force that completely possessed me and could return at any given moment, that my actions were illogical and that my personal needs and goals, thoughts and beliefs were illegitimate and absurd, illogical, pure MADNESS, that I had lost my mind and had gone CRAZY. My goal 8 years ago was to understand and overcome my "IMMORALITY" once and for all. To fin closure for my trauma, just that. And years later that narcissistic and abusive woman used the “mental health” stigma to break up with me while I was in withdrawal and extremely vulnerable, she reopened all those traumatic injuries, making me look and feel like a crazy, dangerous, out of control and immoral monster, inhuman, just like psychiatry did years back. By the time I left the hospital the damage had already been done. I really was desperate, because I at first thought that I could find what I needed inside of the armored doors of the hospital psychiatric ward. It's inhumane, all of this. Now is when I'm really facing it.

 

I always tried to explain to them why I thought I always had felt immoral, but my psychiatrist basically thought I had been thinking too much and lost my mind, that's why he diagnosed me with "Pure O OCD". He pathologized me, without understanding me or acknowledging my struggles, he harmed me so much in a single month.

 

Because all this, mainly, my postraumatic and moral crisis never ended, it became a chronic condition, a chronic mental and emotional state, even when I was drugged.

 

Psychiatry interconnected and aggravated my traumas.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry forced me to disconnect psychologically and chemically from my real needs, feelings and emotions, so I couldn't meet my needs and find closure for my social, emotional and moral trauma, which aggravated, making me feel even more immoral.

 

It is a moral and existential fight, in this society, for individual freedom, personal dignity and happiness, always has been and will be. And psychiatry is not there to help you, but to judge you and to suppress you.

 

It always has been about finding the meaning behind my "immorality" feelings, emotions and psych pain, and getting moral and emotional support, about connecting with other human beings.

 

I wasn't week, like psychiatry tells, I was weakened, by all the **** that happened to me, as @BaccatePlayer told me recently. I used to tell me that, to myself, when I was a teenager, but I forgot it.

 

Psychiatry betrayed me, all of us.

 

All of this is a massive, systemic, societal betrayal that we have experienced on a massive scale. It took me all these years to come to terms with it and start reprocessing it.

[Gonzo]

I couldn't realize all this while I was drugged, I needed to quit and reconnect with the emotional reality of my life.

[Gonzo]

We just need moral support, not to be fixed, nor drugs. That's the lie we've been told, that there is something wrong with us, abnormal, disordered, immoral, ill, that needs to be "treated". We are not broken and humans are perfectly capable of healing themselves naturally and finding homeostasis.

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Psychiatry forced me to disconnect psychologically and chemically from my real needs, feelings and emotions, so I couldn't meet my needs and find closure for my social, emotional and moral trauma, which aggravated, making me feel even more immoral.

 

It is a moral and existential fight, in this society, for individual freedom, personal dignity and happiness, always has been and will be. And psychiatry is not there to help you, but to judge you and to suppress you.

 

It always has been about finding the meaning behind my "immorality" feelings, emotions and psych pain, and getting moral and emotional support, about connecting with other human beings.

 

I wasn't week, like psychiatry tells, I was weakened, by all the **** that happened to me, as @BaccatePlayer told me recently. I used to tell me that, to myself, when I was a teenager, but I forgot it.

 

Psychiatry betrayed me, all of us.

 

All of this is a massive, systemic, societal betrayal that we have experienced on a massive scale. It took me all these years to come to terms with it and start reprocessing it.

Many people would benefit from redefining themselves. Being labeled as "patient" in psychiatry borders on being offensive. What's human in us, what's individual is sacred, it's natural gold that makes us the centre of living. Invalidating that legally by psychiatrists bends the morality definition to dangerous levels. Someone who went through abuse can react in various ways and doctors judging these people by calling them "disordered" feels like it's wrong for you to seek your own way out. We deserve to be honest with ourselves.

[Gonzo]

After so much time feeling so ashamed and guilty trapped in this "immorality" mental and emotional nightmare that psychiatry made a chronic condition I simply forgot how to do live differently.

 

I just wanted to live a better life, and to have peace in my mind.

 

I never had peace since the psychiatric intervention happened, I just was drugged, chemically deceived, suffering medical spellbinding, I had a fake synthetic inner peace that seemed real but it wasn't, it was just a cruel lie, so when I stopped taking the pills it was gone and I couldn't understand it, I was extremely confused, why I was going through the same **** all over again? Why I was experiencing the same inner disturbance and psych pain? Because I was just drugged for years.

 

Because I never overcame my real problems, that's what my painful, postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions were screaming to me once I reconnected with them again. That I had to get back to work again, because I had been lied to, nothing had changed, nothing had improved.

 

And I wasn't crazy, and it wasn't just withdrawal, it was real. It's real.

 

During withdrawal I was in denial, I couldn't accept all this, it was too painful and overwhelming.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry destroyed my morale in the hospital, brutally oppressing and alienating me, deeply traumatizing me, then drugged me and chemically improved my mood, making me feel, think and believe that I had left my moral, emotional and social problem and struggle behind, that I had finally overcomed it. But I never really got over it, I just was chemically disconnected and deceived  suffering medical spellbinding. My perception of reality, personality and identity were all chemically distorted without me realizing it. I resisted accepting all this as much as I could, been in denial. But since 2023 couldn't no more, my true feelings and emotions became too intense and reality too overwhelming too keep ignoring them, this is exactly what happens when we are not drugged, we are forced to face reality and our real problems.

 

Psychiatry desordered my mind so much, all what I've doing these past 3 years is order my mind.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry desordered my mind so much, all what I've doing these past 3 years is reorder my mind and readjusting to the true reality.

 

I just needed to be heard, seen, understood, validated, when I was at the hospital, before and after.

 

Psychiatry destroyed my morale in the hospital, vicitmizing and traumatizing me and at the same time drugged me, deceiving me and my mind, creating this huge mental and emotional chaos, it is all so cruel.

 

What I need to do to finish my recovery process is to finally accept is that my original problem never got away.

 

But the good news is that I can fix my original problem, it always has been fixable, I just lacked the external social, moral and emotional support to do it.

[Gonzo]

I need to recover my spirit, my morale, my passion, my energy, all that I lost at the hospital, in 2017, and that got replaced by that false synthetic mental and emotional state.

 

I lost all meaning when the psychiatric intervention happened and I got drugged.

[Gonzo]

No one ever understood that my problem was trauma, my moral, relational and emotional injuries, what made me have all these reactions and be "dysfuntional", so because I lacked other's understanding I lacked other's moral and emotional support as well, and I had to face my moral, emotional and relational problem and trauma always on my own, alone.

 

I need to recover the person I was before the psychiatric intervention, even if it needs to be updated, I need to recover my old and true identity.

 

I'm slowly realizing what my old self wanted and needed, his objectives, etc, the more I reconnect with myself, the more I understand my true feelings and emotions. This society is emotionally stupid, so disconnected, some people calls it the emotional dark age.

[Gonzo]

Drugs are just to run away from reality, pain and problems, that's what I did with Sertraline.

[Gonzo]

I have been trying to solve my moral, social and emotional problem for more than 8 years without anyone's moral support, on my own, alone. I didn't have success but I always had all the will and I still do, it's just that my spirit is depleted, tired, it has been since I was hospitalized. But I see more clearly than ever the meaning and purpose behind my actions and needs, my objectives. That's what I lost at the hospital, the logic behind my actions, the purpose, the meaning, I was forced to left behind all those things in order to escape that horrible place, because I was brutally oppressed, gaslighted, pathologized, stigmatized, alienated, separated from the rest of the world, in an unfamiliar place, in a max security prison, and then drugged. The drug was the only thing that could really stop me from meeting my real and desperate needs and achieving my legitimate objectives, and those bastards used it to make me go back to "normal", forcibly, to make me disconnect from my true emotions, feelings and true self, to change my logical, understandable and meaningful human reactions. They're so insane and harmful.

[Gonzo]

Moral support is what we really needed to deal with our real and original life problems and what psychiatry didn't give to us, we were just drugged and chemically deceived, suppressed, that's what "treating" the "symptoms" is about, so we definitely need to morally support each other in these dehumanized individualistic, capitalistic and narcissistic societies.

[Gonzo]

I really think withdrawal brings back in many cases buried traumatic mental and emotional states, in many, many cases. Finding their meaning and origin can be an extremely difficult task, but the thing is to acknowledge that they're meaningful, logical, one way or another, saying the opposite is telling to ourselves that we are crazy, like psychiatry says.

[Gonzo]

I'm still so stressed and traumatized by my whole MH system/industry experience. I know now that all I was looking for was emotional, social and moral support. But they're so souless that they were unable to see it, all those MH "experts", this is really a dystopic world sometimes. A dog, that is not even human, even a cat, is more in touch with people's emotions and needs than those bastards. Even a horse can be, or a cow, or a freaking duck. I'm not kidding. No one wants to be handed pill deep down instead of moral support. Even animals will comfort us when sad, it's just when we lack moral, emotional and social support when we have no other way to relieve the pain than to numb it with drugs, as psychiatry does systematically, massively. No one actually wants the drugs. There is no social, moral nor emotional support to be found in psychiatry.

 

People that believe in their psychiatric "diagnoses" are in denial, which brings comfort to them, but nothing gets solved, ever, that's why the painful and difficult mental and emotional states that psychiatry "diagnoses" (actually, the "diagnoses" are just subjective descriptions not real diagnoses) become chronic "conditions" as psychiatry says, specially when psychiatric drugs are involved.

 

When I quit Sertraline cold turkey specially in 2020 I went through hell. But I was suffering a substance abuse disorder so it's logical. And I was chemically deceived, for years.

 

We needed to be supported, morally, socially, emotionally, not suppressed, not controlled. The MH "experts" confuse help with control and suppress, I mean they say it, that they treat "symptoms" of mental illnesses and disorders, which means suppressing and controlling them.

[Gonzo]

@FireflyFyte I want to share a photo I took, it's really important for me, but the file is too heavy it says, can you help me with it? It's any other way?

[Gonzo]

My mind was pretty ok track today, I had some important breakthroughs since 16th march, but sometimes you feel like pure **** before feeling better. I got too comfy in my situation tho, but I was overwhelmed and didn't have the right support. Being on my own I pushed myself too much for too long trying to be "functional" until I got burnt out and I lacked the energy to continue.

 

The better I get and feel the more I get out of the fog and the more I realize how bad I've felt, how screwed I've been, trapped in this horrible, excruciating mental and emotional state of my moral and postraumatic crisis, since 2015, but specially since the psychiatric intervention in 2017 and when I reconnected with all the psychiatric trauma and my crisis in 2020 during that awful narcissistic relationship.

 

The worst thing is I already knew about this hellish postraumatic mental and emotional state when I was 19-20, it was very familiar to me, it's what I was trying to avoid reexperiencing at all costs, because I had experienced it fully when I was a teenager and abused, what made me get trapped in it was psychiatry.

 

I definitely was trapped in the MH system/industry and indoctrinated in its oppressive and alienating toxic bullsh*t.

 

I'm just undoing the damage that psychiatric did to me, getting to the roots.

 

At the hospital I never wanted to take any type of drugs, but I wasted so much energy there trying to obtain external emotional validation and moral support just for nothing, and I got mentally and emotionally depleted, my spirit exhausted. I just wanted and needed moral, social and emotional support. I've been depleted since then.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry forced me to go through withdrawal to be able to face my real problems again, suffering a substance abuse disorder.

 

I never wanted to take Sertraline but I never had the moral support I needed to recover and I was totally depleted and I needed to take it to escape that horrible place so I did it.

[Gonzo]

7-8 years ago I just needed moral support to feel safe around people and with myself and to be fully "functional". But all those MH "experts", they're so insane and stupid and sometimes evil, they lack empathy and they just couldn't see it, they couldn't understand me, so they couldn't morally support me. They just made things 1000 times worse for me. And I still need moral support to feel safe and be fully "functional", 7 years after I got out of the hospital. They never helped me, they demoralized me as much as they could in such a short time span, depleting my already exhausted spirit, forcing me to take Sertraline, to emotionally disconnect from the emotional reality of my life, to go through an untold and unknown substance abuse disorder, like everyone here, and to forgot what my real problems were, how to solve them and what my real needs were, who I really was. They made chronic my postraumatic reactions and excruciating moral feelings and emotions, my postraumatic and moral crisis and trauma, they brainwashed, indoctrinated and confused me and made me unable to recover for years.

 

The only thing psychiatry and Sertraline did for me was to hide my real life problems.

 

That's all I needed, moral support. I always had the skills to be a successful person in this society but I never had the moral support I needed.

[Gonzo]

All this happened because I felt immoral again and I was ******* tired of feeling immoral, because I wanted to understand why and stop feeling like that, and I needed it to be fully "functional", survive and enjoy life, I needed to feel "moral", "normal", like a "normal", "valid" person, and Sertraline was the only thing that could truly stop me, chemically deceiving me, and I'm not taking anymore that sh*t.

 

I feel and have always felt immoral because no one ever supported me morally, or not in the way I needed it.

[Gonzo]

If you don't meet social expectations, if you are not what is socially considered "normal", then you're gonna feel immoral, abnormal, one way or another.

 

In the hospital, I never found the moral support that I needed to recover and heal and I got finally depleted. Then I got drugged for years and I forgot my true needs and objectives and developed a substance abuse disorder (reason why withdrawal happened and happens in all cases). And emotional hell let loose in my mind and my life went down the toilet. When I reconnected again with my true emotions and feelings after I stopped taking the pills I couldn't understand them anymore neither tolerate them. But it was the moment to meet my traumatic needs. And I tried to, for years, exhausting all my energy, I just did it in the wrong way, as always, lacking the understanding and external support that I needed, and extremely confused after coming out of the chemical deception of Sertraline 

 

I've trying to be understood for so many years, telling my struggles, but no one understood me. I found no understanding in others.

 

We just need to be heard and seen. To be understood. To be morally supported, emotionally validated.

 

I tried to explain to people so many times that I always have felt immoral no matter how, to find moral support, external emotional validation, that it doesn't make sense to me, I never could understand why so, because I don't think I am an immoral person, I don't really see myself as one, but that's what my feelings and emotions always screamed to me nonetheless. But not only I wasn't understood and supported for the most part, I was judged and invalidated, and drugged too. It's not just that people are disconnected, dettached, cold, it's that they're dumb many, many times, and I'm ******* tired of people, overall. Then when you listen to people and show compassion they tell you their whole lives because no one ever listened to them and they need it desperately, but when you need it no one really listen to you.

 

I need to recover my personal moral system, which I lost in the hospital. And be able to find all the moral support I need to feel safe again and overcome this never ending postraumatic and moral crisis/chronic fight-flight reaction.

[Gonzo]

I had to control all those "immoral" feelings and emotions, that's what I felt and thought, 8+ years ago, "I have to control them". For good reasons. And it all starts by understanding them. But without moral support I got stuck in my head trying to do it all by myself, without anyone else, which is and always has been impossible.

 

I have been trying to be "normal" and "moral" all this time, to fit socially and be fully "functional", I just didn't realize it.

[Gonzo]

I felt "like that" because I felt immoral, because I didn't meet social expectations and because I didn't have moral support, because I was traumatized, because I had been oppressed and alienated, not because I was really an immoral, bad person or because there was something intrinsecally wrong with me, abnormal, disordered, ill, bad, immoral, even if that's what my true emotions and feelings screamed me the whole time, they did that because of internalized oppression, i.e. social/relational and moral trauma.

 

They key to overcome all this emotional and mental chaos nightmare, to recover myself, to heal, has been that external emotional validation, moral support and understanding. Not drugs, not "psychotherapy".

 

I've spent too much disconnected from life.

[Gonzo]

I always felt full shame and guilt in my life, except for a brief time when I was 16 and 18 years old. Those are the excruciating moral feelings and emotions I've been talking about this month and previously. When I was 19-20 I wanted to overcome those moral feelings and emotions once for all, as I said, the seemed indiscriminate to me and anachronic, so illogical too, because I felt them no matter how, when or where, even if I behaved morally and I did what I was expected to do, even if I didn't really saw myself as an immoral person, but that's what my excruciating "immoral" feelings and emotions screamed me always, like an internalized oppressor. They made me suffer a lot, distressing and confusing me greatly. That's because they were and are of postraumatic nature. They are part of my screwed postraumatic (im)moral identity, which collides with my personal identity. This is the cognitive dissonance that almost drove me insane in 2015, 2016 and 2017. Those "immoral" excruciating and overwhelming feelings and emotions were screaming to me that I'm an horrible person and that everyone knows it, that I'm in danger, that's the reality they described to me, but my personal identity told me that I was a pretty okay person, that I deserved good things and that I was doing great. It was crazy making, and I couldn't really understand all this and I didn't want to accept it. So my ***** up postraumatic moral identity hijacked my mind and life, distorting my perception of reality and myself, and it had mostly won this battle, but it was psychiatry, when I was arrested and locked down, brutally oppressing and alienating me, shaming and victim-blaming me, what made it finally won. Psychiatry could had morally supported me and that would have made me recover and heal from that inner moral fight and internal-external conflict, but instead it did the worst possible thing. This twisted moral identity of mine is the result of years of oppression and alienation, that's why it exists, because I'm full of relational/social, emotional and moral trauma, deeply traumatized, so its existence is logical and meaningful even if problematic and painful. That was the problem I was trying to fix, my excruciating and "immoral" identity, that was making me "dysfunctional", suffer greatly indiscrimitately and be vulnerable to future revictimizations (as it happened with that narcissistic relationship and all the psychiatric event). I've living for the past 8+ years, since that postraumatic and moral crisis begun, in two realities at the same time, the present time promising reality and the postraumatic terrifying reality, and because of that I think I've been living trapped in some kind of psychosis but because of my intelectual abilities I've been more or less able to make constant reality checks and challenge it, but I never was able to overcome all this on my own, for that I always needed and still need external emotional validation and moral support, to feel safe, be able to lower down my guard, relax, rest and reconnect with myself and others.

[Gonzo]

I need stability in my life, real stability, not the fake stability that Sertraline gave to me (at the cost of suffering a substance abuse disorder and being disconnected from reality).