Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

I need to find a new meaning to my excruciating moral injuries and issues, as I tried to do 8 years ago, outside the intoxicating psychiatric moral system and its meaningless, nihilistic meaning framework, I need a new non pathologizing and stigmatizing perspective, to find closure to my moral conflict, suffering and trauma and to escape my disabling moral loop and moral, mental and emotional prison, to solve my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", "abnormality" and "immorality", to survive and live well in this toxic culture, meeting my human, personal, traumatic needs.

 

Psychiatry forced me to get into all this moral stuff to be able to escape from its oppression and alienation and solve my deepest issues, it forced me to become much more wiser than I ever was, this is the human condition.

 

While we suffer, suffering forces us to face reality and to solve our painful life problems, to be able to relax, rest, find peace, balance, to avoid pain and enjoy life.

 

Hace 8 años hice todo lo posible, todo lo que estuvo en mi mano, para dejar de sentirme inmoral y ser una persona "moral" y "funcional", y lo intenté hasta el final. Pero la psiquiatría, el sistema de salud mental, mi familia y esa mujer narcisista me mantuvieron atrapado en mi loop moral abusando de mí y haciéndome sentir criminal cuando más vulnerable era y apoyo moral necesitaba.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry forced me to give up my legitimate human needs, to forget them and surrender to its twisted moral system, to forget everything and regress with its criminal intervention, then it drugged me against my will and the drug tricked to feel, think and belief that everything was over and better than ever (medical spellbinding) when in reality I was still immersed in that moral loop hell and much more traumatized than before due to the massive moral injury caused by the psychiatric intervention. I didn't need to be oppressed, alienated, pathologized, stigmatized, criminalized, isolated, arrested, incarcelated, I didn't need that ****, I wasn't a criminal, I didn't commit a single crime yet I was criminalized, in fact, treated with less human rights than a criminal, what I needed was moral support, to be understood, seen, heard, human connection, it was all just ******* insane, but I'll heal my moral injuries and the sun will shine again in my life.

[Gonzo]

Mis padres y familia siempre me han hecho sentir como una mierda, immoral, criminal, sin derecho a nada, y el sistema educativo y de salud mental. La psiquiatría me anuló químicamente mientras me estaba victimizando y traumatizándome profundamente, cuando era más vulnerable, estando inmerso en una crisis postraumática y moral brutal, y cuando más ayuda, validación emocional y apoyo moral necesitaba, convirtiéndome en un adicto a la Sertralina y estando químicamente engañado, sintiendo, pensando y creyendo que todo había acabado, que había salido de mi loop moral, sufriendo la mentira cruel del medical spellbinding y perdiendo toda mi resiliencia moral, mental y emocional, no pudiendo entender ni reprocesar nada, y forzándome a sufrir Withdrawal, estando en realidad estaba atrapado y anulado en mi loop moral, sin saberlo y sin ninguna resiliencia mental, moral y emocional que perdí cuando la psiquiatría me criminalizó en el hospital y que necesitaba para escapar de él, y sin dejarme los demás salir de él, incluida mi familia, sin darme nadie el apoyo moral que necesitaba para hacerlo.

[Gonzo]

I didn't solve my life problems and moral issues because I wasn't allowed to, as simple as that, to mature and develop as a person, to find balance and peace, specially because I was drugged, addicted, chemically deceived and suffering medical spellbinding, I wanted to, but I couldn't, being chemically and psychologically disconnected or extremely confused during withdrawal, having forgetting all my issues, not being able to understand and manage my emotions anymore, being indoctrinated into the psychiatric intoxicating moral system and ideas, etc.

 

All these mental health "experts", moral gurus and cult leaders, that happily tell people that they're mentally ill, disordered, have medical conditions, that they need "medication" and psychological "treatments" without even having medical evidence for telling such things, to diagnose such "medical conditions", they don't have the minimum amount of insight, self-awareness and critical thinking to realize how impactful these "diagnoses" are, to realize that they're misleading moral sentences and judgements, that they don't diagnose any cause but just describe moral "defects" of the human condition and people's experiences.

 

Psychiatry really made me believe that I was crazy, that I had gone insane, when I was the one arrested in a concentration and reeducation camp for a month and forced to take drugs against my will and the one who got his own human rights violated. That's how much it messed up my mind, how much it traumatized me, how much internalized oppression I had. I was terrified.

 

Sertraline and psychiatry disordered me, my mind and my life, chemically and psychologically. They created this hellish mental and emotional chaos, nightmare.

 

During my 2020 withdrawal and that narcissistic abusive relationship everything that was psychologically and chemically suppressed, because of trauma and Sertraline, came back.

 

People here don't deserve to go through the hell that withdrawal, quitting psychiatric drugs, getting out of the MH system/industrial complex and rebuild their lives is.

[Gonzo]

When withdrawal happened, since late 2019 actually, I have been consumed by feelings and emotions that I couldn't comprehend, I lost that understanding at the hospital, between February and March 2017, and the insights that I needed to recover wasn't in the MH system/industrial complex, in fact, it was very far from it.

 

I feel and felt so immoral, and bad, because I lost all my moral, mental, social and emotional resilience, since I was hospitalized and drugged, and this is something that you can't recover in a short span of time, you need to face life adversities, to suffer, to develop that distress tolerance, coping skills and resilience.

 

When I was drugged I couldn't face my painful moral conflict and trauma, I was chemically disconnected from them, and I slowly started to loose all my distress tolerance, coping skills and resilience, being unnecessary for my life, my mind forgot them, I became more vulnerable to future revictimizations and more sensitive to my moral suffering, which was already excruciating by the time I started taking Sertraline. By the time withdrawal happened I had completely forgot my moral suffering, conflict and trauma and lost my healthier coping skills, distress tolerance and moral, emotional and mental resilience, so I got psychologically shattered.

[Gonzo]

No pude sanar las heridas morales devastadoras que la psiquiatría me infligió ni las originales anteriores a la psiquiatría porque estaba drogado, químicamente desconectado, pero también psicológicamente por el trauma salvaje que fue la intervención psiquiátrica criminal y del que desconecté por completo químicamente obligado a tomar Sertralina y psicológicamente disociando mientras estaba sucediendo por su intensidad.

[Gonzo]

I'm getting deeper and deeper into my "psychosocial", moral and emotional issues. I realize now that I've been trying to be the person that I need to be to survive in my relational environment instead of trying to be myself, since 2017 at least, this is in big part due to Sertraline, it made me disconnect to myself so the only thing I had to do was to fit in because there wasn't moral inner-external conflict in my chemically suppressed/altered mind. I always have felt so immoral, extremely, feeling in this horrible moral loop, dominated by my trauma-based and tyrannical moral identity, expect for a couple of years of my life or maybe just months. When I was 19-20 I was feeling bad again, immoral, for no logical reason to me back then, I realized that my issues were deeper than I thought, that they were life long, and I basically wanted to avoid getting stuck into my moral loop once more, I wanted to overcome that danger once for all, in other words, I wanted to feel a moral, valuable and worthy person having my own personal moral system based in a meaningful and non pathologizing perspective on my moral injuries, complex moral trauma and conflict. I had a way out of all this moral, mental, social and emotional hell, to finally find closure, peace and move foward in my life, but then psychiatry's criminal intervention happened and it devastated me, it caused havoc in my mind and life even if I didn't realize it back then, it made feel absolutely immoral and criminal, like a monster, inhuman, and completely demoralized me, then it brainwashed me and indoctrinated in its intoxicating moral system and ideas when I was unable to defend myself, in crisis, totally overwhelmed, making me feel, think and belief that I had gone insane, it deeply traumatized me, it terrified me, so I wasn't able to face my moral issues for a long time because of the fear of being arrested, locked down and revictimized again by psychiatry, I couldn't either, because I was drugged, chemically disconnected and emotionally dissociating due to the intensity of the psychiatric trauma, and I forgot all this, everything, at least what I knew back then which in retrospective I think it was more than enough. Because of the criminal psychiatric intervention I got trapped into the moral loop hell I was trying to desperately escape from/avoid/overcome at all costs, but I couldn't know it, drugged, disconnected, suffering medical spellbinding, and it made me unable to escape from it because it destroyed the moral, emotional and mental resilience that I needed to have in order to do so, to defend myself against my internalized oppression/postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity, when it criminalized me at the hospital, arrested for a month there, and when it forced me to take Sertraline, and I forgot everything, forced to give up, surrender and disconnect from myself, my true feelings, emotions and human legitime needs by an enemy much more stronger than I was back then, being in crisis. So I was psychologically and chemically disconnected, tricked by Sertraline, feeling, thinking and believing that my moral issues were finally over and that I was doing better than ever, when in fact I was more traumatized, confused and vulnerable than ever, having lost all my moral, emotional, mental and social resilience, healthier coping skills and distress tolerance, trapped in my dreaded moral loop without knowing it and unable to escape from it, deeply traumatized by the criminal psychiatric intervention, and I lowered down my guard as a result of the chemical deception and medical spellbinding of Sertraline, to make things even worse, I was addicted to this damn drug, so withdrawal happened when I came off at the same time that I reconnected with all this and I was going through the discarding phase of that extremely emotionally abusive and deceiving narcissistic relationship, scammed emotionally and chemically both by this malignant narcissistic woman and Sertraline, both deceptions coming to an abrupt end at the same time, being terrified and overwhelmed by my experiences and unable to comprehend what the hell was happening to me and had happened to me. This woman, like psychiatry did before, made me feel like a criminal, immoral, dangerous, unstable crazy person, in the exact moment when I was reconnecting with the trauma of my criminal psychiatric intervention and most needed to be morally supported. I went through hell, my mind got shattered, I lost my true identity and control over my life, and unable to understand and make sense my past and present experiences, having forgotten everything, I couldn't solve my life problems. When I was 19-20 I was very close to do solve many of worst problems, my moral stuff, and empower myself, but psychiatry sabotaged me and hurt me so much in so many different, confusing and long lasting ways, specially morally, it took most of my spirit away, but not all, that woman took the rest in 2020-2021, she was the nail in the coffin, and after her I was incredibly demoralized, simply devastated. I still tried to move on tho, but my moral injuries and trauma were too strong and I collapsed in 2022-2023, I couldn't continue as if nothing had happened and not making sense of my experiences, without meaning or purpose, so hurt and unhealed. Then I destabilized my dysfuntional narcissistic family, living with my parents and brother, and they made me feel immoral too, shaming me, when I was just trying to get my stuff together, have healthy personal boundaries (that I lost while I was drugged and sedated, high) and find meaning and peace. I also got deep into the psychiatric model of mental health, very, very indoctrinated into its oppresive, alienating and meaningless meaning framework with the "OCD" stuff, my psychiatric diagnosis, that at first I believed to be the cause of my troubles and failure of that narcissistic relationship. In reality, the deeper I got into the "OCD" bullsh*t (which by the way it's one of the less trauma-informed psychiatric diagnoses if not the most) and the MH industrial complex the more I was reinforcing the false and intoxicating idea that there was something intrinsecally wrong with me, bad, abnormal, immoral, criminal, that I needed to fix to have personal value, be "functional" and loved. It's all bullsh*t, a huge scam, extremely toxic, damaging, to call people in distress and in desperate need of moral support at the bare minimum, abnormal, chronically ill, disordered, crazy, immoral, criminal, in more or less subtle ways, is simply cruel, inhumane, and to drug them and make them disconnect from their real problems, to forget them and make them unable to solve them, taking away their freedom and dignity, arresting them and locking them down until they go back to "normal" one way or another, forcing them to take drugs, treating them worse than convicts, it's human rights violation. Most people just want to be "moral", "normal", "functional" persons, to fit in their relational, social, family environments, to meet their human needs and be happy, they don't need to be "fixed", they need to be supported. But psychiatry doesn't understand this. Psychiatry criminalize and suppress people, psychologically and chemically. When we have our freedom taken away and human rights violated, when we are forced to do things that we don't want to do, under coerccion, oppressed, alienated, victmized, we naturally feel humiliated, we suffer moral injuries and traumas that can have long lasting vey harmful effects in our lives. This is what psychiatry does to people, what it did to me. I gave everything I had to overcome my moral issues, my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", to escape from my disabling moral loop, to recover and be a "functional", "normal", "moral" person, to fit in and meet my human and personal traumatic, desperate and legitimate needs, but instead of being understood, seen, heard, validated, supported, I was judged, criminalized, and drugged, victimized, and I lost my spirit, my strenght, my resilience, my intelligence, my cognitive sharpness, all the things that I needed and need to overcome moral issues, my psychosocial "dysfunctionality", to escape from my disabling moral loop, to recover and be a "functional", "normal", "moral" person, as psychiatry forced me to do with its criminal and insane "treatments". It's madness, but it's what really happened, and it almost made me insane. I could have still recovered from my psychiatric and original moral injuries and traumas like I did in the past before the criminal psychiatric intervention hadn't I been drugged.

[Gonzo]

Sertraline made me disconnect from my true self and true and deepest needs so the only thing I had to do then was to fit in, I was like a robot, in autopilot mode, because there wasn't any kind of moral inner-external conflict in my chemically suppressed/altered mind, even if it was actually there, but invisible to me. When I stopped taking the pills the moral issues and conflict became visible again, it's like a chemical magic trick but you don't realize it. I always have felt extremely immoral, criminal, trapped in this horrible, excruciating moral loop hell, dominated by my trauma-based and tyrannical moral identity, expect for a couple of years of my life or maybe just months. These drugs make us disconnect from our deepest human and personal needs and inner-external moral conflicts that we need to solve and overcome to mature and develop as persons, even if they do it in a subtle, so they stunt our personal growth because we can't face these issues.

 

I felt immoral and criminal because I was treated like a criminal and immoral person even if I didn't commit a single crime. And that's what I tried to solve when I was 19-20, I was tired of feeling immoral, criminal, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, criminal, but that's how I was feeling nonetheless, my emotions and feelings screamed to me that I was evil, abnormal, inferior, a bad person, criminal, insane, immoral, because of how much internalized oppression I had accumulated all over my life. Then psychiatry reinforced the messages of my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity, it reinforced my moral trauma, it gave their messages credit, I was, in fact, criminal, immoral, a bad person, insane, wrong, etc, that's what the "experts" said, the authority. But the problem is that it wasn't real and that psychiatry is evil, it criminalized me for not being "functional", the psychiatrist that "diagnosed" with this moral disorder/illness/deviance of "Pure OCD" me hated me. He projected all his **** over me, the psychiatric twisted and traumatizing moral system. I was right when I was 19-20 years old, but extremely oppressed and alienated as well, revictimized like I never had been before in my life.

[Gonzo]

Psychologists and psychiatrists are not MH "experts", they're just moral experts, moral authorities, moral judges and moral gurus, and they have way too much power and undeserved credit, these ugly people.

 

Even if psychiatry hated me for being/acting "dysfuntional", "abnormal", "immoral", and inflicted to me devastating moral injuries during the whole criminal psychiatric intervention, I could have recovered from them, I could have overcome and/or healed my moral injuries, like I did in the past, and get stronger again, maybe even more than before, forced to develop more resilience and new and better coping skills to deal with my psych pain and to find new meaning. This would had been the case had I still been connected to my moral trauma, suffering and conflict, but I wasn't, because of Sertraline, in fact, such was the medical spellbinding, chemical deception and cruel lie of Sertraline that I thought it all was finally over and that I was thriving, when in reality I was more traumatized, confused and vulnerable than ever, having forgot everything, lost all my moral, social, emotional and mental resilience, healthier coping skills and distress tolerance, still in crisis and trapped in the excruciating moral loop that I tried desperately escape from years ago, but this time unequipped to understand it, deal with it and find a way out of it, and to make things worse, I was unaware that I had developed a substance abuse disorder to this awful drug that I never wanted to take, so withdrawal naturally happened when I came off of it at the same time that I was reconnecting with all this, rediscovering the painful truth, and it was an absolutely traumatizing, extremely confusing, overwhelming and demoralizing experience. So Sertraline was the thing that didn't let me heal, overcome my moral trauma, recover, mature and move on for real, it blocked me, it was insidious, even more than the psychiatric trauma and its moral indoctrination/brainwashing.

 

I just wanted to have moral support, to get out once for all from my moral loop, to have a living, to live a good live in this society, to enjoy life, and I tried to obtain it, until collapse.

[Gonzo]

I already felt enough immoral and criminal, I didn't need psychiatry to criminalize me, making me feel even more immoral, like if I had been possesed and had the devil inside, and making me feel hopeless, with its inhumanity and cruelty, to see and suffer such a lack of basic humanity, it completely demoralized me when it criminalized me, and then it drugged me, forcing me to disconnect, when I needed to be connected with my moral suffering, trauma, conflict, true emotions, feelings and needs, to know what to do, where to go, what I needed, but I wasn't living in reality while I was drugged, and when I came back to reality and reconnected with all this, with my psychiatric trauma, my moral issues, painful moral emotions, feelings and true needs, being extremely vulnerable, this abusive woman scammed and revictimized me, treating me like a criminal, once more I was felt like a monster, the timing was awfully perfect, devastating, it was extreme, hell. I have been trying all these years to be "moral" to get the moral support I needed, to be "worthy", loved, and have my human and personal needs met, not accepting myself, rejecting myself, hating my true self, as I was rejected and hated. I have been avoiding my moral triggers for years and years. I needed to overcome my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity, my extreme mental and emotional programming, to know what I really wanted and needed to do with my life, and I tried to do so when I was 19-20.

[Gonzo]

I needed moral support, to be able to relax and rest, heal my moral wounds, reprocess my complex moral trauma, overcome my internal-external moral conflict, win the never-ending war against my post-traumatic and tyrannical morality, get out of my infernal moral loop, recover, be able to be myself and meet my human, personal, traumatic and desperate needs in my relational environment without being rejected, re-victimized or be ostracized, in order to be "functional", "moral", "normal", a "healthy", "sane" person, survive in it and live fully socially adjusted but without giving up my true personal identity. Because of all this, I have been trying to be morally perfect all these years, even if I was deeply traumatized, without any type of moral support or understanding from others, and that is why I was never able to rest and recover, because I was trying to be perfect, and to be morally perfect is to never rest, to be robotic, inhuman. Psychiatry made me completely lose my complex meaning framework, destroyed it with its criminal intervention and left me defenseless and abandoned against my tyrannical and post-traumatic moral identity and the oppressive and alienating moral system of my relational environment, trapped in my moral loop hell, alone, psychologically disabled, unable to identify my moral issues anymore, to understand my excruciating moral feelings, emotions and psych pain and their causes, to cope with them, to face and solve them, to find closure and to escape from my moral loop once for all, to mature as a person, and finally move foward in my life, something impossible to do because I was totally disconnected from my real life problems and their causes, I forgot all that, my life stopped making sense to me, because there was a huge hole in my story created between early 2017 and 2023.

 

I really needed to solve my moral issues, my complex inner-external moral conflict, to be able to overcome my psychosocial "dysfunctionality" and become a fully "functional" person, to survive and have a good life in this toxic society and culture.

 

The mind projects what has experienced and suffered, but if you cannot remember what you have experienced or suffered or if it involves getting into a painful internal-external moral conflict and/or trauma and addressing it to remember what really happened, you are screwed, everything stops making sense, seems disconnected from reality, crazy, insane, and becomes extremely distressing, confusing, chaotic, overwhelming, excruciating.

 

Psychiatry destroyed all my personal development since its psychiatric intervention, but because I'm connected to reality again and I suffer my unresolved life issues I'm forced to recover it, to stop the suffering, the psych pain, and I'll do, sooner or later, but not only that, I'll grow stronger and wiser, more than I've ever been.

[Gonzo]

My moral and emotional suffering comes from my internal-external moral conflict and it has solution, there is hope, there always has been.

 

My suffering is painful but meaningful, normal, logical, moral, sane, and my reactions and "dysfuntional" coping strategies too, everything is connected to my personal experience and circumstances in life.

[Gonzo]

I realized that I suffered much more than it was necessary because I almost always saw and felt my emotional and moral suffering as something abnormal, bad, wrong, alien, immoral, illogical, irrational, illegal, criminal, illegitimate, so I resisted it and never went away, not being able to make sense of it, to tolerate it, to accept it, so it grew stronger until it became absolutely overwhelming, excruciating, this happened 8 years ago and before, even when I was drugged. I know why I did this, and it's the core of my moral loop, feeling bad for feeling bad, feeling immoral for feeling immoral. If I do the opposite, I'll end this years long crisis, I'll develop a better relationship with my psych pain and I'll be much happier. This is how people naturally heal their psychological injuries and overcome their psychological traumas and inner-external moral conflicts, finding new meaning, moral, social and emotional support, changing their inner relationship, developing new and healthier coping skills and strategies, etc, and suffering. I think I'll reach a critical point sooner or later, I hope sooner than later, where I'll just do what I have to do to be "functional" and to move foward in my life. I feel it's close. Psychiatry can suppress the human mind, chemically and psychologically, but it can't suppress the human condition, it is much, much stronger than psychiatry is. I resisted taking Sertraline in the hospital, until the last moment, until just before I was forced to take it against my will and humiliated even more, because I wanted to tell my personal story first believing that if I did it perfectly, in a "valid" way ", and I was "moral" enough that I would receive the moral support I desperately needed to "recover" and become "functional" again. It never happened but I tried to meet my human and desperate traumatic needs until the end nonetheless, because I was freaking strong, my spirit and morale were very strong.

[Gonzo]

I did not understand my suffering and could not accept or tolerate it and the little understanding I had was gone when the criminal psychiatric intervention happened.

 

All this makes me realize that understanding and overcoming suffering make us wiser, stronger, ane more mature.

[Gonzo]

I've been trying to be a "moral" person all these years, since 2015 even I'd say, to fit it. That has been my main objective in life, nothing else. I got into this moral loop many years ago. My moral and emotional issues are deeper than I thought. But I'm facing and understanding them finally. I couldn't do this while I was drugged and disconnected, trapped in the MH system/industry, indoctrinated/brainwashed and institutionalized by psychiatry. My moral identity always has been extreme, tyrannical, overwhelming, it never has been balanced, and it all started in my dysfuntional family, with my upbringing. Pychiatry reinforced my crazy-making, tyrannical and post-traumatic moral identity with the criminal treatment it gave me, demoralizing me, drugging me and leaving me defenseless before it, extremely vulnerable and disabled.

[Gonzo]

I need to recover the meaning that I gave to my moral suffering and that psychiatry blocked under the chemical deception of Sertraline, the brutal trauma that its criminal intervention caused me, and the psychiatric indoctrination and brainwashing, to be able to manage it and be "functional", "moral", "normal", to survive and live fully. I never isolated myself to escape reality, but to solve my moral problems, even if it didn't turn out well, because my extreme moral identity ended up possessing me and in the end, being trapped physically and mentally and just resisting and containing my extreme post-traumatic and moral emotions and feelings, until psychiatry arrested, criminalized and drugged me, and my family, the mental health system/industry and everyone else completely demoralized and exhausted me. Psychiatry never understood my objectives, human needs and struggles and only judged, sentenced and criminalized me for precisely stopping my life and ceasing to be "functional", productive, "normal", "moral", because psychiatry is pure toxic individualism. My moral loop comes from my moral indoctrination, which began with my upbringing, in my family, and then it got reinforced along my life, specially by insane and criminal psychiatry with its extremely traumatizing intervention and poisonous and crazy ideas. My reactions and suffering always have been moral, normal, valid, perfectly logical and reasonable, human.

[Gonzo]

I wanted to understand, control and/or overcome my moral and emotional suffering to be and feel like a "moral", "functional", "healthy", "valid", "normal" person, without understanding or accepting it, falling into my moral loop. My tyrannical and post-traumatic moral identity, disabling, paralyzing, is the blockage of my life and absence of freedom and control, and my mediocrity. 8 years ago I tried to find, understand and fix what was "wrong with me", my "IMMORALITY", getting trapped in my moral loop and developing a toxic metacognition. What I did 8 years ago was not only a matter of survival but also of human needs and quality of life. I was desperately trying to be and feel moral by fighting against my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity, find a way out of my moral loop, survive, satisfy my human needs by fitting into my relational environment, and live fully in compliance with social and moral expectations and conventions, as simple as that, and when you lack moral support and are made to feel immoral, criminal, like I was made to feel along my life, specially by psychiatry, it's very difficult to do all that. The only way I can recover, i.e. be fully "functional", "moral", "normal", "sane" and meet my human and personal, desperate and traumatic needs is feeling a moral", "normal", "sane" and "functional", legitimate, legal, worthy, valid person, to stop feeling so immoral and miserable. That's why I had to left the MH system/industrial complex and consuming its toxic info, it wasn't helping me to do that, it was making me feel even worse, less normal, less moral, less human, more miserable, and confusing me, with its poisonous and insane ideas and sick dehumanizing moral indoctrination.

[Gonzo]

It took me so long to be able to understand my inner experiences, my difficult and overwhelming feelings, sensations, emotions and reactions because I got very, very deep into this horrible moral loop, and I don't know when it started, but I know that psychiatry, the MH system/industrial complex, Sertraline and withdrawal had a lot to do, at leat in blocking my recovery, so, going back to "normal" is going to be much more challenging than I thought.

[Gonzo]

I've been trying to fix myself all these years, to be "moral", "normal", instead of trying to be myself. Sertraline made me disconnect from my real self and my real and legitime needs, chemically suppressing my moral issues, so that the only thing I did was to be "moral", forgetting who I really was, what I really wanted, needed and had to do.

[Gonzo]

I'm getting closer and closer to my core issues.

[Gonzo]

Lots of insights lately. Good signs of a window and recovery.

[Gonzo]

I feel like I'm reaching some kind of closure, but I still have many, many things that I need to reprocess.

 

The combo of my trauma resulting from the psychiatric criminal and inhumane intervention, the psychiatric brainwashing and moral indoctrination in its twisted, oppressive and alienating moral system, the chemical deception and medical spellbinding of Sertraline plus its retraumatizating withdrawal, has been a devastating combo for me and my life.

[Gonzo]

I had a very stressful night, my mind didn't shut up, but it's because I'm getting closer and closer to my core psychosocial issues and the trauma of my psychiatric intervention, which was criminal, Sertraline use started there, under coerccion, I was oppressed, alienated, gaslighted, criminalized, drugged, ignored, segregated, isolated from the rest of the world, because I was deemed as insane, that's how my psychiatric intervention happened, how I was arrested, I was considered out of my mind, when I wasn't, even if I was overwhelmed, confused, in crisis, disturbed by my excruciating postraumatic and extreme moral feelings and emotions.

 

I wish my case was only a matter of withdrawal, but it isn't, I have too much unresolved trauma in my life.

[Gonzo]

I think I finally figured all this out.

[Gonzo]

For the last 8 years all I wanted was to be a "functional", "normal", "moral" person, which is a very human need, the need to fit in, to meet social and moral expectations, but that was my main goal in life, and it happened because my moral identity (or superego) always has been extreme, especially when I was drugged and disconnected from my true self and true needs. I had a lot of internalized oppression, that's the reason of my tyrannical and excruciating moral identity and moral suffering. I didn't have moral education or support in my life, I was morally indoctrinated, like crazy, by my oppresive and alienating parents, then, as an adult, psychiatry brainwashed and morally indoctrinated me in its dehumanizing and insane sanism when I was in crisis, extremely vulnerable, desperate, overwhelmed and confused, umable to defend myself, to reject it. That postraumatic and moral crisis of mine happened precisely because I had such an extreme moral identity and because of my emotionally dettached and authoritarian narcissistic and dysfuntional family. We all have to fit in, in one place or another, but that doesn't mean we have to suppress our real selves to do so, our real human and personal needs and give up on our legitimate objetives. Morals are complicated, messy, that's for sure. When I took Sertraline under coerccion I started being chemically suppressed so all of these complex moral issues started disappearing from my mind without closure. My life has more meaning that just to fit in, as psychiatry wants everyone to do. All psychiatry wants is people to fit in without disturbing others, i.e. to be "functional". Getting into moral questions is disturbing for many people, even if we need to, to live a better life.

[Gonzo]

Had I never felt so incredibly immoral or had I had the moral support that I needed to empower myself and be independent, none of this would had ever happened. But all this have deep roots in my life, psychiatry was just one chapter more, and when I fell down into it's crazy-making and insane sanism in 2021, when I was overwhelmed, desperate and confused going through withdrawal and just after experiencing that devastating narcissistic abusive relationship, I really started fearing myself, self-obsessing and self-suppressing psychologically, just when I stopped being chemically suppressed. I got so f*cked up because I didn't have a break. This f*cking life. What I did to deserve all this? Anyway, it is what it is, I suppose.

 

We really want all this to be over as soon as possible to go back to "normal", but it doesn't work that way. Suffering is part of life and trying to avoid it creates more unnecessary suffering. We need to normalize the pain, not to dwell in it, but also to avoid falling into the toxic sanism.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanism

[Gonzo]

Well, I feel a bit more relaxed tonight, I think I found a way out of all these issues.

[Gonzo]

I think I got to the core of my issues, deep down behind my Sertraline chemical deception and its crazy-making withdrawal, the trauma of my psychiatric criminal and inhumane intervention and the psychiatric indoctrination and brainwashing into its insane sanism, and of course that very traumatizing narcissistic relationship. I was in crisis when my psychiatric intervention happened, but I wasn't insane, I had legitimate objectives and human needs that I desperately needed to met, and I gave everything I had trying to do so and be "moral", "normal", even at the hospital, until exhaustion, until I was too morally hurt to keep searching for the moral support I needed to feel a worthy, valid person and become fully "functional" and productive, overcoming my tyrannical postraumatic moral identity, the cause of my psychosocial "dysfunctionality". I had very intense postraumatic reactions and overwhelming postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions when I was 19-20, I isolated myself to control them and calm down reprocessing my trauma, avoiding my external triggers to do so and keeping my sanity, but my moral identity/superego was too powerful and hijacked me, my mind and my life, my family also made me feel even more guilty and ashamed, immoral, for destabilizing it with my behaviors, and I got sucked into a moral loop, unable to escape it. Then the psychiatric intervention happened, it was my last hope, I thought and felt that I could receive the external emotional validation and moral support that I desperately needed to overcome my postraumatic and moral crisis there if I told my story the right way, that is, that they could make me feel moral and normal if I acted perfectly normal and moral and told my story in a way that made sense. But I was sentenced and deemed as insane by the moment I entered that psychiatric ward. Then I started disconnecting psychologically because of the psychiatric trauma and chemically because of Sertraline, and I forgot everything, my legitimate objectives, true human needs and real life problems, completely tricked by this malignant psychiatric drug. 8 years ago I was desperately trying to feel moral, normal, valid, worthy and safe, to overcome my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity, to prove it wrong, but psychiatry gave it even more power by criminalizing me instead of understanding me and helping me overcome it, so without moral support and loosing all the understanding I had over my issues, forgetting everything, taking Sertraline or other psychiatric drugs was the only way I had to control my moral and postraumatic feelings, emotions and reactions and be "functional", specially when I became addicted to Sertraline and unaware of it. The psychiatric intervention was so harmful for me because it criminalized me when I desperately needed moral support and put an end to my postraumatic and moral crisis without helping me to find closure for it, it just forced me to disconnect chemically and psychologically, it suppressed me, that's how I "came out" of my crisis mental and emotional state, drugged and dissociated.

[Gonzo]

Escaping psychiatry, overcoming psychiatric drug abuse and their withdrawal, rejecting psychiatry insane sanism/meaning framework/belief system, making sense of all this and recovering can be hell, specially when doing it alone, without moral support, that's why so many of us needed to left the MH system/industry, because it's just harmful and insane, for a lot of people, pure oppression.

 

Psychiatry forced me to through the same postraumatic and moral crisis that I believed to be over, when in reality I never found closure so it never ended. It was simply cruel. And not only that, it made me vulnerable to future abuse.

 

Psychiatry only oppressed, alienated and confused me with its insane sanism, when I was extremely vulnerable.

 

I'm still undoing all the damage psychiatry did to me.

[Gonzo]

I realize now that our minds and bodies naturally search for balance, it's called homeostasis, being the natural meaning-making process part of it, as well the need for support and validation, love, human connection. This is specially true when we are traumatized, in distress, suffering, it's in these moments when we are forced more than ever to find that balance, to find closure, meaning, peace. Psychiatric drugs make us impossible to find that balance, in fact, they make us dependant on them to be "in balance", they create addiction, reason why so many people can't live without them, suffering becomes unbearable, not only because they never found balance naturally, but because they also suffer an horrible addiction to these awful drugs without even realizing it. Sertraline in fact gave me "balance", it brought me back to "normal", it took me out of my crisis, but that balance was completely fake, synthetical, and it blew away when I stopped taking the pills, I came back to crisis, forced to face it, and overcome it, as I always had. I just lost all these years chemically suppressed and deceived unable to find closure, mature as a person and really move on. When I was 19-20 yo I tried to desperately reconnect with life, and psychiatry forced me to disconnect again, in such a way, it was totally unknown for me, incomprehensible.

[Gonzo]

I took me years to realize that my 2015 postraumatic and moral crisis never ended, that I was forced to come back to "normal", chemically and psychologically suppressed, under coerccion, that psychiatry not only did not help me to solve it, but it made it infinitely worse and complicated my recovery, and that the drug tricked me to think and believe that was over, so naturally when I came off Sertraline I reconnected with all my unprocessed trauma and unresolved moral conflict, feelings and emotions, and I lost all the fake stability that Sertraline gave me. I'm trying to find real closure for this crisis, so I can find peace again.

[Gonzo]

I had too many moral conflicts at once in my life when I was 19-20 yo, and I lacked all kind of moral support. I just can't believe that psychiatry, all these MH "experts", act being this criminal with people in crisis, overwhelmed, conflicted, confused, oppressed, alienated, traumatized, and they have the audacity to call it "help" and "treatment". It's extremely disturbing. If one day I recover the way I need to I'd like to help others to not experience the mental and emotional hell that I went through because of psychiatry, to help others recover and to do it much faster than I did. My suffering has to have some purpose.

[Gonzo]

I hope that one day I can recover the passion psychiatry and Sertraline took from me. All this had a heavy toll on me, and I didn't deserved it, at all, I wasn't a criminal.

[Gonzo]

I think all this "withdrawal"/"PAWS" experience has been disturbing for me for the reasons that I've been describing in great detail. But to be honest I don't think my withdrawal has been that long lasting, what I think happened is that like I said I was immersed in a deep personal crisis when I was 19-20 yo, and psychiatry forced me to disconnect from that crisis psychologically and chemically at the same that it made it much, much worse and added new and thick layers to my already complex trauma and inner-external moral conflict just when I was extremely vulnerable and totally exhausted and needed desperately to be supported, understood, seen, instead I was judged, stigmatized, sentenced, humiliated, oppressed and criminalized, when I hadn't committed a single crime. Then I stopped taking the pills and withdrawal happened but it wasn't the worst part, withdrawal lasted for some time, but I think I simply had had a fake synthetic stability that was going to blew up the moment I stopped taking Sertraline, with or without withdrawal, because years later I was still in crisis, I found no closure, I was just drugged, disconnected, deceived, confused by the drug, it was a fake relief, that's the painful truth. Unfortunately that narcissistic relationship happened at the same time, and it was simply devastating, I was already very confused and overwhelmed by my inner reality and didn't need that **** but that narcissistic relationship happened in the first place because I was still in crisis and very vulnerable to abuse, because I hadn't recovered my strenght and I was desperate, and she used my desperation and unhealed core moral wounds to manipulate and use me. Then my narcissistic family also prevented me from recovering, maintaining me trapped in my moral loop. Withdrawal definitely happened, and you could say that all this is part of my withdrawal recovery, because it's all interconnected, but yeah, I think for the most part is trauma, oppression and lack of moral support, reason why all this took so long, plus I was so tricked Sertraline and disconnected because of how painful and overwhelming my trauma was that I had forgot everything.

 

The inhumane and criminal psychiatric intervention made me fall (definitively) into the sanism that I fought so hard to avoid as a teenager, causing me a devastating moral trauma and horrible moral injuries and making me feel like an absolute criminal, inhuman, absolutely immoral, as if I had committed a terrible crime, when I didn't, changing my perception of myself, distorting it even further, and worsening my original moral problems, that started in my family long ago, reinforcing the power of my post-traumatic and tyrannical moral identity over me, and sending me back to my dysfuntional family disconnected, suppressed, dissociating, unable to keep fighting and resisting and move on with my life. And this was possibly the worst of everything that has happened to me in the last 8 years, worse than Sertraline, because behind the Sertraline chemical deception all these issues remained intact, and worsened. My worst "symptoms" come from this psychiatric intervention, I just couldn't understand it.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was trying to desperately empower myself, overcoming my moral identity, but then psychiatry's inhumane and criminal intervention happened, deemed me as insane, completely disempowered me and sent me back to my abusive family more vulnerable and suppressed than ever. I also didn't have any kind of moral education in my life, I was simply told what to do, i.e. morally indoctrinated, oppressed, like a lot of people. That never worked well for me and I couldn't understand my moral feelings and emotions, why I always felt so guilty and ashamed, so immoral, criminal, not so long ago I couldn't even identify and name them, that's how emotionally "immature" I was, and it all started in my family. Even so, I resisted when I didn't agree with things, when they felt wrong to me, but this society doesn't like people with critical thinking skills and it crushes them. So I was. But Sertraline was the only that could really suppress me and stop me from keep resisting, because it was a freaking chemical in my brain that no one explained to me what it does, and I was completely tricked by it for too many years, disconnected from my spirit, from my true self, and I couldn't process reality, connect with what happened to me, understand it, deal with it, accept it, overcome it, I couldn't. I was sabotaged and forced to give and disconnect chemically and psychologically when I was at my peak of personal development and desperately needed a little push in the form of external emotional validation and moral support to overcome my moral issues make the jump, and I forgot everything, and I lost meaning, purpose, my morals, myself, it was all gone. Because I didn't have moral education in my life these moral feelings and emotions became more and more intense, me unable to resolve them, until they became totally overwhelming, excruciating and hijacked me, my mind and my life, so that this postraumatic and moral crisis that lead to the criminal and inhumane psychiatric intervention happened and after it I had to do as if none of it ever had happened, drugged, disconnected, deeply traumatized, dissociating, oppressed, very, very disempowered, and intoxicated with psychiatry sanism ideas. I never knew what to do in my life dominated by my moral identity and when I found meaning in my moral suffering and a purpose I got into a huge moral inner-external conflict, due to all my unresolved moral issues, and psychiatry sabotaged me, arrested and criminalized me, pathologized me, treating me as an insane person, brainwashed me and indoctrinated me in its insane sanism and drugged me, forcing me to give up and disconnect chemically and psychologically and over time forget everything. So this is what happened to me.

[Gonzo]

I was basically punished and criminalized for being in crisis and disturbing for my family and for the MH "experts" that saw me and for not being "functional", i.e. "sane", "normal", productive, etc, and I was made to feel guilty, ashamed, immoral, criminal, and threatened with being incarcelated, forced to go back to "normal" and having my humans rights violated again, for what I did, for isolating myself, for not eating well, for not being "functional". This is exactly the definition of sanism, pure oppression and alienation, and it made me impossible to solve and find closure for my moral issues and trauma, to find balance and peace, to empower myself, to move foward in my life and mature, while I felt inside like a criminal, like a monster, insane, inhuman, absolutely immoral, evil, dangerous, illegitimate, and for half the time since my criminal and inhumane psychiatric intervention I couldn't even reprocess, understand, connect with all these feelings and emotions, so I couldn't understand the injustice I went through, being drugged or completely overwhelmed by withdrawal and everything else. Such a traumatizing experience, all this psychiatric stuff, horrible, maybe one day I'll have justice.

 

Recovery is time consuming and exhausting, so once the damage is done, indentified, understood and accepted (and I didn't want to do none of that for years), it becomes a matter of climbing back to the light, which takes time and a consistent effort. But while we are not drugged, while we are in pain, we are forced to do it, to search for balance and peace, to make the changes we need to do in order to relief the pain. For this reason emotional pain is not usually a symptom of disease, but absolutely necessary to achieve a good life. If you suffer, something needs to change, for the better, and you need know where the pain is coming from, in order to do so, to put effort.

 

Psychiatry treated me like a freak and called it "treatment". So naturally I felt like a freak during all this time.

 

I was far, far away from being insane as psychiatry said, in fact, I was more sane that all the insane and indoctrinated psycho MH "experts" that saw me and "treated" me.

 

Necesitaba y necesito relajarme, calmarme, para poder salir del estado mental y emocional de huída-lucha y modo supervivencia propio del estar dominado por mi identidad moral postraumática y moral, saber qué hacer con mi vida, qué quiero y necesito, encontrar mi propósito en la vida y un sentido, vocación, poder ser plenamente "funcional", "moral", "normal", cumpliendo con las expectativas sociales y morales, y evitar caer en las garras del sanismo psiquiátrico insano, opresivo y alienante y herido moralmente aún más, necesito ocultar mi distrés mental y emocional en esta sociedad sanista para evitar ser revictimizado, oprimido y alienado, reprimirme, o solucionar mis problemas morales y trauma aislado de los demás, y para ello necesitaba y necesito sentirme seguro, y sólo lo puedo conseguir sintiéndome MORAL, superando mi identidad moral postraumática y moral sea como sea, fuente inagotable de mi inseguridad crónica, de mis sentimientos y emociones postraumáticos y morales extremos, especialmente con apoyo moral, el problema es que para sentirme moral y seguro necesito cumplir con las expectativas sociales y morales y ajustarme al sistema moral imperante, integrarme en mi entorno relacional, pero lo quiero hacer sin comprometer mi identidad personal verdadera, por eso necesitaba una nueva perspectiva y un sentido a mi sufrimiento, y por eso me aislé siempre y trataba de relajarme obsesiva-compulsivamente, para evitar que mi trauma y distrés mental y emocional y reacciones postraumáticas me impidieran comportarme y ser una persona plenamente "funcional" y "moral", "normal", al caer en las garras inhumanas del sanismo y sufrir más H/H y complicarlo y dificultarlo todo aún más en esta sociedad y cultura tóxicas, opresivas y alienantes, deshumanizadas, insensibles. Y para relajarme y calmarme careciendo de todo apoyo moral sino estando oprimido y alienado.

 

(Sorry for writing this last paragraph in Spanish, it contains helpful insights and I wrote it in a rush).