Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

Porque necesitamos a los demás para satisfacer nuestras necesidades humanas y personales, es decir estar ajustado al sistema moral imperante, cultura dominante, y nuestro entorno relacional. Para salvarnos a nosotros mismos. Para sobrevivir y evitar sufrir. En este tipo de cultura y sociedad tóxicas, en las que la supervivencia no está garantizada, en la que el valor humano es extrínseco, no intrínseco.

 

Trataba de calmarme desesperadamente y controlar mis emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos y morales y mis reacciones postraumáticas, para evitar el sanismo, la opresión y la alienación, especialmente la opresión y la alienación que experimenté en el hospital, por la psiquiatría, es decir, evitar ser revictimizado por la psiquiatría. El sanismo no está sólo en el sistema e industria de "salud mental", es cultural, está en todo mundo, es sistémico, un adoctrinamiento moral.

[Gonzo]

Llevo todos estos años tratando de "curar" mis emociones y sentimientos morales, mi "disfuncionalidad" y mi "inmoralidad", lo que "está mal" en mí, para ser una persona plenamente "funcional", "normal", "moral", "sana", por culpa del sanismo psiquiátrico en el que llevo atrapado desde 2015 buscando desesperadamente aliviar mi sufrimiento moral y salvarme, ser apto, válido, querido, etc. Para integrarme en mi entorno relacional y satisfacer mis necesidades humanas y personales, traumáticas y desesperadas.

[Gonzo]

I've been so much time in crisis that I forgot how I was before, how life was.

[Gonzo]

I'm understanding a lot of things of my life today as I did for the past days. And it's painful, but meaningful and necessary.

 

I think I'm on the right path.

[Gonzo]

I'm having more valuable insights. I think things are fitting in in my mind. I'm still very anxious and stressed out, but it's normal. I'm understanding things that I never were able to understand, or that I completely forgot about, chemically suppressed and disconnected by Sertraline and brainwashed and indoctrinated by psychiatry in its insane sanism (psychopathology, abnormal psychology, it's all the same oppresive and alienating f*cking bullsh*t).

[Gonzo]

Today I had lots of mental clarity. It hurts, because I can see very clearly the injustice that I've been suffering for years, in silence. I was very deppressed for some moments, I thought about suicide, I felt my life had no meaning, no purpose, that I'm useless, worthless. I didn't plan to commit suicide, I just had suicidal thoughts. The last time I had them was in October or November 2023 I think.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling very sad lately. It is because I'm no longer deceived. I realize that I lost my moral integrity long ago, at the hospital, but Sertraline made me disconnect from my moral suffering, I think it's some kind of chemical lobotomy, looking back I see that my critical thinking was heavily suppressed, and critical thinking is one of our complex cognitive processes that happen in the frontal lobe, my judgement was also affected. That critical thinking was my spirit, my passion, my inner fire and resistance, and while I was drugged I tried to recover it, but I couldn't, it was chemically suppressed. I always felt that something wasn't quite right, but I couldn't tell exactly what it was. It was that. That means that I couldn't recover my moral integrity, that was lost during my hospitalization, because my human rights were violated without having been commited a single crime. Not only that, because I was chemically lobotomized, I couldn't even really understand and connect with what had happened to me. When I came off Sertraline my chemically suppressed complex cognitive processes came back reason why I felt so much distress, and because I had been drugged for too many years I had lost my ability to manage said processes, so they became overwhelming. We need our critical thinking to question morals, and when we question morals we can imagine a different world, a better one, if we are lobotomized, chemically or through surgery as it used to be, we lost that complex understanding of the social world and our ability to make complex judgments and questions. Since August 2020 I had been overwhelmed by moral identity and conscioussness, and they were already very, very powerful before the psychiatric intervention, I was actually trying to overcome my moral, mental, social and emotional repression because it really was making me "dysfuntional" in society, I reached a critical point and I felt a lot of social and moral pressure to do something about it, to fulfill social and moral expectations, to be "functional", to study, to work, to have a good social life, etc. So since I quit Sertraline I've been battling against morals, not knowing what to do anymore, just resisting the excruciating guilt and shame, unable to comprehend and manage my inner experiences and without true moral support. At this moment, I feel like this years long battle is coming to an end, and I don't know anymore what to do with my life, who I am. You can't escape your consciouss, if it's twisted by trauma you're going to have a hard time being with yourself, living your life, and psychiatry reinforced my excruciating moral identity with its criminal intervention, it shattered my moral integrity. Years later, during that narcissistic relationship that woman did the same thing as psychiatry did to me, she criminalized me just when I was reconnecting with my psychiatric devastating mora trauma and extremely vulnerable. She took away what was left of my moral integrity and I became very, very obsessive-compulsive among other "dysfuntional" coping strategies that I used to calm down my unbearable moral suffering, I just couldn't take it, it was absolutely overwhelming. The pain of realizing all this, is too much. I don't want to writte anymore. Sertraline didn't allow me to make sense of all this and once undrugged withdrawal was too overwhelming to be able to do it. I needed all these years, having no moral support and no moral integrity, to manage all these horrible moral feelings and wounds, i.e. to recover the control over my complex cognitive processes that I lost. To truly recover from (relational/moral) trauma is not to be "functional" again but to recover our moral integrity.

[Gonzo]

I just needed moral support, in order to restore my moral integrity, to have self-steem, to feel like I have some kind of self-worth, to feel safe with myself and around people, and overcome my postraumatic reactions, my anger, my paranoia/hypervigilance, my "executive dysfunction", those reactions were coming from my unresolved and complex moral trauma and inner-external moral conflict. I needed to have human connection, to feel loved. That psychiatric intervention gave me the exact opposite, I was controlled, oppressed, alienated, gaslighted, stigmatized, pathologized, judged, secluded, revictimized, traumatized, and drugged, chemically lobotomized, so not only I disconnected psychologically, because of the moral trauma caused by that criminal and inhumane intervention, but chemically too, lobotomized by Sertraline. It took me years to being able to manage my complex cognitive processes as I used to do, because I lost the capacity to control them while I was drugged for years and they became absolutely overwhelming after coming off Sertraline. Had I not been chemically lobotomized I would have recovered already from my psychiatric trauma. I have been humiliated many times in my life, and I always have been able to rise from my ashes and recover my moral integrity, but Sertraline made that impossible to me because I was disconnected from my moral trauma, suffering and conflict, and loosing my natural capacity to recover from trauma and to restore my moral integrity while I was drugged and my brain damaged, I couldn't react, I couldn't heal, I wasn't myself.

 

Maybe I'm so deppressed lately because I'm became totally aware of the cruelty that I have experienced and I have lost faith in humanity after all having experienced all this inhumanity. I want to believe this is a sign of closure.

[Gonzo]

I was deemed as insane when I was in crisis and in desperate need of moral support, to relax and recover.

[Gonzo]

I avoided my moral issues as long as I could but it's time to face them once for all, to find moral closure and restore my moral integrity. I don't know how I'll do that but it's what I must do. I'm not "functional" yet but all this has nothing to do with withdrawal anymore, I just know it. I need to restore my moral integrity to restore my self-steem and become a fully "functional" person, to survive and live a good life in this toxic society and culture.

[Gonzo]

I think this 8+ years long crisis of mine is finally coming to an end. I really need to rebuild my life, it's shattered.

[Boges11]

I’m so sorry. I hope you can work thru the trauma aspect with whatever feels right for you …. I’ve heard EMDR therapy can be good to help with trauma but maybe get feedback from others.

you’re young and this is a good positive bc you have your whole life ahead to build it and shake how you want to.

life is hard and this group will always be here for you. Sounds like your inner gut is telling you to branch out some in safe ways. As you find things you like to do you’ll meet people in those spaces that share similar interests and start to pave the path ahead.

Glad you’ve had good healing and reflection- give yourself grace, this is all so much and I’m sorry you went thru it. 

you get to write the next chapter if your life how you want and may it be a start of some really great years ahead.

hugs!!! Keep finding healthy outlets and exploring. 

[Gonzo]

Thanks @Boges11, I appreciate it. Hope you're doing well.

 

I think I'm getting closer to be ready to start a new chapter in my life and leave all this madness behind once for all.

 

Maybe in the future I'll take legal actions against the MH system or whatever for what it did to me but it's not gonna be soon, I need money and stability in my life, and even then it's likely not succeeding but it's a matter of restoring the moral integrity and personal dignity that psychiatry took away from me, one way or another.

[Gonzo]

Today I got outside of home, it was the first time in many days. I was very sad, I remembered things from when I was kid and a teenager. I was in a rough mental and emotional state years before my postraumatic and moral crisis and psychiatric intervention. My moral integrity has been shattered for many, many years, since I was a teenager at least, because of the abuse I endured during my life, even if for some time I felt I had recovered it. I guess when I was 19-20 yo I wanted to take back control over my mind and my life from so much suffering, I wanted to be able to enjoy life once for all. It was an insightful day but painful too. Let's see what happens the next days.

 

I have been running away from my moral suffering all these years, long before psychiatry, without ever understanding it, considering it evil and unable to manage it, lacking moral integrity, and more support, feeling wortheless, immoral, abnormal. And it got overwhelming.

[Boges11]

Glad you got outside. Fresh air, is anyways good for us even if we don’t feel it.
Sending hugs. EMDR can really help process trauma. It’s a therapy, no med. I haven’t done it but heard good things from people that have experienced trauma thru their life. 
might be something to look into and see if you feel it’s right for you.

Baby steps in all this, you are coming out of a long tunnel and it’s a lot to grieve. This is normal for the experience we go thru and then anything prior to that is still there for some….. it’s hard work but emotions are ok.
Let yourself work thru that grief, but also try to find anything that can bring joy to your heart too. It might take time and can be hard to balance the two especially when our brains are compromised with feeling neuro emotions so heavily than normal from this. It can be a lot.

hugs and wishing you peace, comfort, and love. 

[Gonzo]

I don't want anything to do with therapy anymore, I just want moral support and love in my life.

 

It's definitely a long tunnel... But I'm close to the other side.

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Gonzo]

I need to develop new and healthier coping skills. Maybe now that my suffering has settle down a bit I'll be able to. Sertraline, psychiatry and withdrawal really took a toll on me.

[Gonzo]

Today it's the first month since my dad died. I'm having a rough days, I'm feeling pretty old, I notice my body changes due to the stress that I experienced since 2023 or 2022 specially. I have a lot of self-hatred too. I also am having valuable insights as usual. Remembering things. I've pretty morally harmed by psychiatry, family and other people, specially that narcissistic woman. But I understand myself and my pain better and better.

[Gonzo]

Today it was a sad day, but I had more insights. Each passing day everything fits better in my mind, like a puzzle that is finally looking complete. I feel pretty sh*tty but overall I think I'm going up. I have a huge amount of things to do, to recover, to be "functional", and, above anything else, I need to develop healthier coping strategies. For all these years I was trapped in the sick mindset of psychiatric sanism, deeply feeling like a (morally) defective and broken person, and the more I tried to fix myself the more I reinforced that extremely toxic idea, which had devastating effects in my life, I wasn't solving anything, I simply was self-suppressing.

[Gonzo]

I was just thinking about the past years of my life, since 2015, when I was 19 years old, and it's hard for me to believe how much has passed, for me it was like a minute, but in reality it's close to 9 years. In late 2019, when I quit Sertraline, I started loosing its chemical stability, and time started passing very very fast. My father died a month ago and I'm still with my same issues. His dead came fast, in a matter of 5-4 months, because a deadly cancer, and I almost can't believe it, it's very disturbing. I feel old because my body is older and my mind exhausted but my self-image is from my 16 to 19 years old.

 

I want my life back.

[Gonzo]

The most valuable insights I ever had always has been when been in pain, suffering. This is also the case now. I realized that 8 years ago I was basically trying to normalize my (moral) suffering, to give it moral value, instead of seeing it as abnormal, illogical, and unbearable, so naturally I was also looking for meaning and purpose. I did all this to overcome my suffering, to be above it and not under its boot, to master my pain, to take back control over my life, to be in charge, and to make it bearable. Psychiatry sabotaged me and oppressed me to give up on all that when I went through that very intense crisis, and it did it violating my human rights. Psychiatry did the exact opposite of what I needed and instead of maturing and moving foward in my life I regressed forced to come back to "normal" through submission, alienation and Sertraline.

[Gonzo]

I'm more aware than ever how crazy my moral identity always has been, just diabolical, excruciating. No wonder I developed "OCD" as a coping mechanism to calm down myself. Everything I do, feel, think, belief, is wrong in my mind, criminal, immoral. No one could have a good live like that, it's like being possesed by a (moral) demon. Just insane. I know how all this came to be, and that it needs to end. I need to find ways to deal with my moral issues and suffering, I never knew how to do it in the past.

 

I think I'm now facing my original issues, the ones I had before psychiatry.

[Gonzo]

I'm trying to normalize my inner experiences, to give them a moral value, so I feel like a normal human being again. And it's still very hard. I can't believe how ***** up and reppressed I've been by the psychiatric poisonous insane sanism ideas, moral indoctrination and brainwashing.

[Gonzo]

This morning I got a shower and I felt like I did when I was hospitalized. My mind reconnected with that moment. Yesterday I came to a final conclusion: I wasn't insane as psychiatry said/says (disordered, mentally ill, out of my mind). I was normal, like the rest of the people, I was going through a crisis and I finally understood all my needs, motivations, objectives, and struggle. And this is extremely important to recover my moral integrity and personal dignity, which is what I always wanted and needed trying to find meaning and purpose for my suffering, because I was treated like an insane person, humiliated, drugged against my will, brainwashed and indoctrinated, just the exact opposite of what I needed to recover and when I wasn't insane, out of my mind, mentally ill, but in crisis and desperately trying to survive and move on with my life, to enjoy life more specifically. I wanted to stop feeling so miserable, abnormal, immoral, just wrong, and alone, I wanted to stop being so "dysfuntional", to stop the excruciating moral suffering. That was my main motivation, to be "functional", to be "normal", to be "moral", like the rest of the people, be part of the group, to be integrated, that is. I was in crisis, not insane, and I needed a lot of support, validation, help, not to be criminalized and suppressed. And I hated myself so much, for how I was treated, unfairly, because I was violated by psychiatry and abused long before it and never overcame my trauma and healed my moral injuries.

 

Psychiatry made me feel like human garbage, like a freak, totally inhuman, just when I was trying to overcome my long standing moral traumas and psychological injuries, causing me a massive and incapacitating moral damage.

 

I'm definitely grieving what I suffered. I'm exhausted.

[Gonzo]

This is actually why I haven't been "functional" all these years, because of the horrible moral injury of my psychiatric intervention, it was brutal and incapacitating.

[Gonzo]

I'm more in control of my inner experiences lately but I'm also becoming more aware of the inner barriers of my psychiatric moral indoctrination and brainwashing. Psychiatry really pathologized and criminalized my whole cognition with its "Pure O OCD" "diagnosis", an imprecise, non medically diagnosed and testable, extremely toxic and false "diagnosis" that caused me an incredibly amount of harm and a huge mess in my mind. Who thought that telling to a person in crisis that his thoughts/cognition are dangerous is a good idea, healthy or helpful? My psychiatrist and my others psychiatrist did, and they do everyday. Surprise.... I can't escape my thoughts, so I feel in danger everyday, of my own thoughts and cognition, if I believe what they say (and I did, in desperation). What a bunch of insane bastards, they really messed up my mind and I became my own worst enemy, I became my nemesis.

[Gonzo]

So yeah, psychiatry brainwashed me and indoctrinated me, with the result of making myself terrified for years and years of my own cognition, thoughts and inner experiences/world, so much that the only way I could relax taking drugs and engaging in addictions. What a great "science" psychiatry is. It chained my mind, it made me a slave of my own mind, of their toxic ideas and insane sanism moral doctrine. Truly awesome.

[Gonzo]

I just wanted and needed my (moral) suffering to be validated, to be seen, in order to feel like a normal, valid, worthy person, to calm down, relieve my excruciating and crazy-making moral distress, to be myself, to know what to do in my life out of survival and panic mode, to be "functional", productive, efficient, competitive, successful, to survive and enjoy life in this toxic society and culture. And I was made to feel like I an insane and dangerous criminal, as if I was doing something wrong, absolutely immoral.

 

Anyway, it's very painful but that's Life.

[Gonzo]

I couldn't understand where my (moral) suffering was coming from when I was in withdrawal and came off Sertraline. Now I see it clearly. It was a mix of my unresolved original moral and complex trauma, the violation and betrayal I suffered while locked down and that woman's narcissistic abuse that triggered all this while I was in withdrawal, at the beginning of it. The worst part of my (moral) suffering was coming from my psychiatric intervention. When I was taking Sertraline I had been disconnected from the violation of my human rights that I suffered while I was incarcelated in that psychiatric ward, in fact, I began taking Sertraline while I was being victimized, violated, and while drugged, chemically deceived, disconnected, lobotomized, I was unable to comprehend the magnitude of what had happened to me, my complex cognitive processes were suppressed, I lacked the critical thinking and passion to do so, to defend myself, to fight for my human rights, I was numbed, sedated, high. So when I stopped Sertraline cold turkey, specially in 2020, and my withdrawal happened/resumed, I reconnected with all this unbearable psych pain, but I also had lost my distress tolerance, healthier coping skills and understanding and control over my suffering, emotions, feelings and complex cognitive processes, I also was extremely sensitive and intolerant to all this, because of said reasons, I was extremely confused and overwhelmed by my crazy-making and anachronic inner experiences and reactions. All this has been insane and still is and always will be, psychiatry is insane, I can't believe all this happened to me, and I'm my case isn't the worst by far, I was hospitalized just once.

 

I think I came off Sertraline in late 2019 because I felt that its "effectiveness" or whatever was wearing off of whatever but also, for that same reason or not, I was angry that I had to keep taking those damn pills, maybe my emotions where coming back and after close to 3 years of use it simply wasn't effective anymore. But the same happened to me in August 2020, I was tired of taking the pills, it felt wrong to me, humiliating even, like accepting that something wasn't quite right with me, I told to myself why do I have to take this when others don't? I also counted in 2020 with that narcissistic woman's support and affection, but she betrayed and scammed me, and obviously I had no idea about withdrawal in 2019 and 2020, no one ever told me about it. I was angry because my psychiatrist, the one I was assigned to when I came out of the hospital, told me that Sertraline was forever, i.e. I was broken beyond repair, forever ill, and naturally I felt betrayed, no one told me that my Sertraline treatment was permanent when I started taking it, that's because at the hospital, when it began, no one gave a **** about my opinion, for them I was insane and out of my mind, retarded, so I had no right to reject anything or protest, nor do I needed to be properly informed about treatment, not like I had a choice or could understand nothing. That anger of mine was coming of my violation too, because I felt so betrayed, so abused, so abandoned.

[Gonzo]

The more mental clarity I have and the more I understand and grieve the more painful everything gets. I see all the time I've lost, being possessed by this drug, out of my mind, not being myself, suppressed, confused, disconnected. I was already very reppressed before my psychiatric intervention and Sertraline, and I was trying to overcome it when I was 19-20 yo, to free myself, being alone, without understanding or moral support, in fact, that's why my postraumatic and moral crisis happened, because I was very, very conflicted, but when I got drugged it became an impossible task and during withdrawal as well, I was too overwhelmed, or too disconnected and deceived. I know where my pain is coming from now, that makes it a bit more bearable, less distressing, because it becomes meaningful, logical, normal, appropiate, it means that I'm not crazy, insane, mad, as psychiatry said, that my suffering is not meaningless, illogical, abnormal, useless, it means that it has a purpose, which is to push me to make the changes I need to make in my life, to live a better life, and to strenght my character, to become more resilient, stronger, and to help others deal with their own pain with my wisdom, as humans beings usually do when they have experienced suffering themselves.

[Gonzo]

In fact, I was walking at the beach a few hours ago and I had an insight that gave my peace of mind. All this horrible suffering, all this unhappiness, it is very much amplified by the fact that I didn't accept my pain, that I saw it as something wrong, bad, immoral, illegal, dangerous. I did this because in this sanistic society of ours being "happy" is mandatory, EVERYONE must be happy all the time, to be fully "functional", productive, efficient, competitive, moral, normal. If you're not then there is something wrong with you that must be fixed with or without drugs... Well, I realized that unhappiness is not wrong, is part of the human condition. Unhappiness make us humans, not freaks as psychiatry says. My pain has meaning, and purpose, and it's not wrong, it's valid, and logical, it's there because of what happened to me in my life, this is what was behind the chemical deception and lobotomy of Sertraline: my unhappines, my pain, my trauma. Furthermore, to reject unhappiness and to not be able to give it meaning is to make it a chronic condition.

 

Psychiatry can't accept or give meaning to unhappiness. And I was unhappy, chronically, because of its toxicity.

[Gonzo]

Unhappiness leads to fulfillment, when it's properly understood and accepted. Unhappiness and the search of its meaning it's what make us all humans. When we are drugged and disconnected from our pain, all this becomes impossible and meaningless and the suffering chronic, unless we take drugs, as psychiatry says, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Psychiatry is a cancer for humanity.

[Gonzo]

No one ever understood my struggles, my suffering and my unhappines. But I do know.

[Gonzo]

I have a lot of mental clarity, I understand my life problems better than ever, even if there is still room for improvement. And I feel more in control of my own inner experiences, not so terrified of them anymore. But I also see life and the world through bleak lens. My dad's death is increasingly affecting me. And I had unresolved issues with him as well as I have with the rest of my family, such as my mom. I'm not hopeful now. I see very clearly that I'm in a bad situation, I acknowledge that it can change in the future, that's why I spent such a huge amount of time and energy, to have an oportunity to live a better life and get out if the cycle of abuse and violence. In less than a month I'll be 28 years old. I never expected my recovery journey to last this long, but I had lost so much understanding over my life's issues with Sertraline and psychiatry, I simply became dumb and weak. I have no passion now. I'm not even a young adult anymore but I have not achieved anything that adults are supposed to. I don't feel good. I feel vulnerable and beaten by life.