Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I finally found meaning for the moral fight of my life, for my moral suffering, its causes and a way foward, a path, a purpose, then psychiatry shattered all that.

[Gonzo]

Because of the psychiatric intervention I got trapped in my mind in a never ending fight against my moral demon, against my extreme, twisted, tyrannical, excruciating, terrifying, diabolical and postraumatic moral identity, and I was so close to win that fight and move foward in my life. My "immoral" feelings and emotions represent my deepest terror. Maybe this is the never ending postraumatic and moral crisis that I've been describing, that begun in 2015. Like I said before, when I took Sertraline I completely forgot about all this, I just disconnected, being chemically deceived, suffering medical spellbinding, I was high, numbed, sedated, dumbed, I was not connected to the painful emotional reality of my life that I needed to face, overcome and change, and that in fact I gave everything to face, change and overcome before and during the psychiatric intervention and even after it happened with the spirit and morale that I still had, then withdrawal happened and I reconnected with everything very fast and it was so confused and overwhelming, as it should be after years deceived.

 

I'm so exhausted. I definitely have more mental clarity though. I can define and understand better my issues, probably better than ever before. I just wanted to feel normal, a valid, worthy person, and safe, to feel "moral", that is, and I needed moral support and external emotional validation to achieve that, long before the psychiatric intervention happened, but no one ever understood my moral fight, my inner struggles and internal-external conflict. I always knew that I needed that moral support and external emotional validation to be and feel "normal", "moral", and to be fully "functional", and I tried the best I could in multiple stages of my life to get that, to meet my needs, that later became not only traumatic but desperate. With the passing of time my postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions only grew stronger until the became absolutely excruciating and overwhelming, terrifying, coming from multiple sources that I couldn't always identify, so that is what begun my moral and postraumatic crisis, basically, when it was too much and I just had the need to deal with all that and overcome it once for all. So then the psychiatric intervention happened and I disconnected from all this moral suffering and fight, psychologically and chemically, even if what I tried to do and needed to do was all healthy and absolutely necessary for me, and during withdrawal I reconnected one more, but very quickly, in an extremely painful, confusing and overwhelming way, after being chemically deceived, disconnected and suppressed for years.

 

I wanted to be "moral" all my life, to fit and be part of my relational environment, to feel loved, safe, but because for one or another reason I wasn't able to do it and I tried to control on my own my "immoral" feelings and emotions without moral support, the best I could. All this moral stuff, conflicts and suffering always has been something above me, that I couldn't control, like an uncontrollable instinct, as it's supposed to be, because of survival, a very basic survival instinct to need to feel and be loved and supported since we are too young to so ourselves.

 

I've been having these complex psychological, moral and social issues since I was a kid, they became worse when I was a teenager and when I was 19-20 I just needed to understand, reprocess and fix all this, to be able to move foward in my life, in this ******* society.

[Gonzo]

I guess one of the biggest reasons why I got stuck in "withdrawal" for so long, in this fight-flight reaction/mode, why my recovery has been so slow, is because to solve my issues I needed to face my moral and postraumatic feelings and emotions again, and I didn't want to feel the excruciating psych pain of feeling "immoral" ever again, so I did all I could as long as I could to not feel my pain, to escape my moral suffering, to be in denial, but when we are not drugged we can not escape reality, so we are forced to face it, to make sense of it, and that's what finally happened. But also all this was so painfully slow because I never had the moral support, external emotional validation and understanding that I really needed.

 

With psychiatry, its indoctrination, Sertraline and the hellish chaos of withdrawal I simply stopped understanding my issues, I lost all my insight.

 

Behind all my psychiatric trauma and indoctrination that I needed to undo, the Sertraline chemical deception and its nightmarish withdrawal there were and are all my original problems, all what I tried to solve in 2015, 2016 and 2017, before and during the psychiatric intervention. But it goes deep, deeper and deeper, layer after layer.

 

We don't want to loose more time but identifying, understanding, facing and fixing our problems takes time.

 

I guess at the end I wanted to feel and be "normal" and "moral" to feel loved, because I needed to feel loved, a lot.

 

All this is my Sertraline and withdrawal chaos.

[Gonzo]

I got incarcelated in the mental prison of my moral demon, of my ***** up moral identity, being controlled like a puppet and fighting a lost fight. It has been like this since at least 2017, but I was drugged, chemically deceived, extremely confused while in withdrawal and deeply traumatized by the psychiatric intervention so I didn't realize it. When psychiatry arrested and incarcelated me physically it also did it psychologically, locking me down with my moral demon, in its mental prison.

 

This is the painful truth and emotional hell that I reconnected with emotionally but that I couldn't comprehend and make sense of rationally when my withdrawal happened. Because it was hell, and I disconnected from it chemically, emotionally, while I took Sertraline, and it was so efective that totally deceived me.

 

When I was drugged she disconnected from that emotional and mental moral hell, but when I stopped taking the pills, it came back, stronger than ever. Because all my stuff remained unresolved, that's what drugs are for, to escape your problems, pain and reality, not to solve them.

 

My objective always has been to feel and be "moral", "normal", fully "functional", to be and feel loved.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I tried to understand and control my moral suffering and moral trauma, once and for all, which I never understood or accepted. It was like a way to be independent from a relational environment that make me suffer so much and to empower myself.

 

The thing is, to feel immoral means that you're moral, because you have moral values and principles. The problem would be if you don't feel anything moral related, like a psycho.

 

No one ever helped me to understand my moral feelings and emotions, no one ever explained nothing to me and no one ever morally supported me as I needed to, to not feel so bad, to know better what to do, how and why to fulfill societal expectations, I was only judged and punished for not doing so, so I never understood and overcame all this excruciating moral suffering and I always saw and felt it as something totally dangerous, incomprehensible and alien, and I never learned mot manage them, and as a result they ended up overwhelming and hijacking my mind and my life, dominating me completely.

 

So, this is it. This is what happened.

[Gonzo]

I was looking for answers, to understand and overcome my postraumatic and excruciating moral suffering and to solve my moral problem, to stop being and feeling IMMORAL, ABNORMAL, REJECTED and ABANDONED and to be and feel MORAL, NORMAL and LOVED, to satisfy my traumatic needs. That's the reason behind all my actions 8 years ago, and psychiatry made me feel even more immoral, because that's how it treated me, I was judged, victimized, deeply traumatized and completely demoralized by psychiatry inhumanity. So my needs, objectives and actions were always logical and extremely human.

 

I just wish I didn't need to suffer this much to know all this.

 

Withdrawal was a new oportunity to put my stuff in order once more, even more than before.

[Gonzo]

I was reading some posts in @BaccatePlayer introduction thread, and someone said something that made me think how my life was before Sertraline and the psychiatric intervention. I had issues that's for certain, and I tried to solve them, then psychiatry sabotaged me and Sertraline chemically deceived me, made me feel, think and belief that those issues were over, even if my heart told me to not believe it that's what I felt and more or less thought because I was drugged and disconnected, confused, deceived, Sertraline fooled me, and I ended up believing its lie, because its synthetic and false reality became my only reality and I didn't know that it wasn't real but just an artificial and deceitful reality, no one told me about it. But when I stopped Sertraline and during withdrawal all my traumas came back, I reconnected with everything that I was disconnected from, all my moral fight and inner-external conflict, everything that I was trying to overcome and even those things that I had more or less overcome in the past. My withdrawal was a retraumazation, as I said many times, that was aggravated by the narcissistic abuse that I suffered when I was the most vulnerable, during that devastating narcissistic and traumatizing relationship, scammed by that emotionally abusive woman, while withdrawal was happening and the chemical deception of Sertraline coming to an end. I can say now that my withdrawal was the end of that chemical deception of Sertraline but together with the proper withdrawal chaotic, hellish and overwhelming symptoms, and then the deception that that narcissistic relationship was to me also happened while me withdrawal begun, so I suffered at the same time the end of two unknown to me back then deceptions and scams, the Sertraline chemical deception and scam and that narcissistic relationship love scam and deception. Sertraline scammed me, as much as that narcissistic woman. My life was better before psychiatry and Sertraline, I'm sure about it, everything was simpler even if still painful, and I was very connected with my real and deepest needs, I knew very well what I wanted and needed and why, but I was desperate to find meaning for my moral suffering because I was very traumatized, going through that postraumatic and moral crisis, due to all my unprocessed trauma, and I didn't have the moral support that I needed to overcome all that, so I needed all meaning to control my moral suffering and trauma, to make it bearable and be able to be fully "functional", to survive. Truth is, with the right amount of moral support, external emotional validation, understanding, if I had been truly listened to, understand, seen, me and my struggles, I wouldn't have needed that meaning so desperately because I would have felt safe and that personal crisis would have ended, I would have reprocessed my unprocessed traumas and come back to "normal", like psychiatry always pretended (forcibly), but in a healthy and natural way, without drugs. That's what I always needed and pretended, to be and feel "normal", "moral", fully "functional", like everyone needs to and tries to, at least before giving up when the pain is too much. With psychiatry and Sertraline I disconnected from life, and I lost my resilience nor I could recover or develop it.

[Gonzo]

Definitely with withdrawal and that narcissistic relationship something got wrong in my mind, when it happened I got fully immersed in the mental and emotional state that brought back and I got stuck in it, I never overcame it, which was the mental and emotional state that I had when I was at the hospital after I finished telling my story to my psychiatrist there, demoralized, hopeless, depleted, terrified, and that I reconnected with when I stopped taking the pills.

[Gonzo]

All this withdrawal experience has been a very big bad trauma for me.

[Gonzo]

Since I was 19 years old I've trying to find meaning for my excruciating moral suffering and overwhelming postraumatic reactions, to make sense of them, and make them bearable, to understand them and overcome them, and I guess more or less I did in 2016 and 2017, just before the psychiatric intervention, because I put my soul in it, I reunited all the courage I could and gave all I had fighting against my inner moral demons, facing them, alone, I just needed that final push of moral support and external emotional validation to finally complete the puzzle, and then psychiatry sabotaged me instead of helping me, and Sertraline, psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing and withdrawal confused me so much, so, so much.

[Gonzo]

When I stopped Sertraline cold turkey, specially in August 2020, I went through the traumatic experience of withdrawal, that actually was for the most part the ending of the Sertraline chemical deception and scam, and at the same time I was suffering the trauma of that narcissistic and abusive relationship (which also was a devastating love deception and scam and what actually ended my Sertraline chemical deception and scam) and breakup. I also reconnected with my psychiatric trauma and my original traumas that psychiatry aggravated and made unable to reprocess and overcome. So during my August 2020 withdrawal I was suffering like four different traumas at once, that's why it was so incredibly confusing, chaotic, distressing and overwhelming, I couldn't process all of it together, and I lacked the moral support to do it, and as a result I got stuck in "withdrawal" for years: my "PAWS".

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry made me felt like an absolutely immoral person, as if everything I did and needed was immoral, illogical, dangerous, incomprehensible and crazy. My spirit is tired of so much moral fight and moral suffering. I have been trying all these years to be and feel "moral", "normal", but psychiatry terrified me, so deeply. I still carry the horrible moral injuries that psychiatry inflicted to me, and that that narcissistic woman aggravated so much.

 

The MH system/industrial complex never helped me with my moral issue, to understand it, to manage it better, to solve it, it only made it worse.

[Gonzo]

I realized that I became so demoralized because of all the bad and hurtful things that happened to me that I stopped searching for moral support when I most needed it. I was just too hurt and tired to keep doing it, but I still desperately needed it, and I need it. The more hurt I was the more moral support I needed to recover but the more moral injuries I carried and the more depleted I was to keep searching for it.

[Gonzo]

With withdrawal all my worst, most painful and traumatic feelings and emotions came back.

[Gonzo]

Maybe I need to go back to the basics and start focusing in the withdrawal symptoms again, more specifically PAWS, to finish my recovery process which has been complicated, slowed down and aggravated by multiple factors such as a ******* stupid and incredibly toxic psychiatric diagnosis, a very emotionally abusive and traumatic narcissistic relationship and her love scam and deception that in fact started my August 2020 cold turkey withdrawal, my dysfunctionality family, my father recent dead by cancer, the extremely harmful psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, the Sertraline chemical deception and scam that completely fooled me distorting my reality for years, the psychiatric trauma that I suffered at the hospital that I was disconnected from and unknown to me while I was drugged for years but that I reconnected with during withdrawal together with my original traumas, the coming back of my "dysfuntional" coping strategies to deal with all this hellish and overwhelming chaos, the lack of support during this whole process, etc.

 

My withdrawal symptoms the persists are very annoying tinnitus in my left ear and I think some kind of akathisia specially at night, I feel a very intense and uncomfortable tension in my legs like sine kind of fight-flight reaction and I need to move them at bed but I can't never find a truly confortable position.

 

Withdrawal is a traumatic experience and definitely real.

 

It was when I stopped Sertraline in late 2019 when everything started going downhill, sometimes faster, sometimes slower. This drug gave me a fake synthetic inner stability so it stabilized my life at the cost of making me disconnect from all my deepest problems and needs, to loose myself, be more complying, and above anything else the biggest cost was developing an addiction/substance abuse disorder/physical dependency to this same drug, something that no one warned me about.

 

Not knowing about Sertraline substance abuse disorder/addiction/physical dependency and that it was distorting my reality and giving me a fake synthetic inner stability that would be gone the moment I stopped taking it (100% psychiatry responsability and fault) is the most harmful thing that psychiatry did to me besides the whole hospitalization episode.

[Gonzo]

Withdrawal brought back all my unprocessed traumas.

 

I can see now that all the bad things that psychiatry did to me demoralized me, extremely, no matter if I was drugged, in withdrawal or not, it just did, since the hospital. Before I was hospitalized and even before there, I had hope, until I saw with my own eyes how futile all was, until I depleted my energy and spirit trying to explain my experience and history hoping to be morally supported and validated, then I became hopeless and demoralized, being completely depleted, my soul was just tired of so much moral suffering, abuse and trauma, of resisting alone all the time, trying to not collapse.

 

What psychiatry did to me was simply cruel, inhumane, I just can not put into words the huge impact, for the worse, that it had in my life in so many different ways, how it traumatized me, to feel by myself its lack of humanity when I was the most needed of moral support, of humanity, it demoralized and hurt me so, so much, it caused me a massive moral injury when I was already deeply injuried by the moral and emotional traumas that I had experienced in my life.

 

I don't know how to explain it, my spirit has been depleted and extremely hurt since then, it collapsed.

 

That's what I was trying to do, to not collapse under my moral injuries, to heal them in fact, but because of the extremely harmful psychiatric intervention it simply ended up collapsing even if I never truly gave up, but I can't deny how hurt my soul has been since then, how much I've been needing to heal.

 

The hospitalization and psychiatric intervention was incredibly hurtful but I think was when I suffered that narcissistic abuse when I just couldn't continue searching for the moral support that I desperately needed because I simply was too hurt and it's when my 2020 withdrawal happened or when my 2019 withdrawal got really bad, the energy and spirit I had left was gone.

 

At the hospital I had like a final push, being so hurt and exhausted, in the search of that moral support that I desperately needed to heal and move foward in my life, and because I put my soul in it and it was all futile I got so demoralized, so hopeless, and I was so depleted, so incredibly exhausted, then I got drugged and my mood artificially got up but I didn't know it was due to the drug, no one did, and even so until that devastating narcissistic relationship I keep trying, but after it ended in such a traumatizing way I just couldn't. And I more or less ended up believing in the Sertraline chemical deception, until that narcissistic relationship started going downhill, just when I stopped taking the pills, at that moment both my Sertraline chemical deception and that relationship love scam and deception both came to an abrupt end.

 

I guess that narcissistic relationship was like an epilogue to me, a final try, I was desperate for understanding, affection, moral support and external emotional validation, love, and very, very exhausted, suffering withdrawal since late 2019, that's why I was so vulnerable and why I was an easy target for her.

 

Psychiatry and the trauma that it inflicted to me, how it dehumanized me proyecting its inhumanity over me and treating me like a crazy person, withdrawal and the end of the Sertraline chemical deception, all of which has been very traumatic, that narcissistic relationship scam and its traumatic ending, my dysfuntional family, all those things overwhelmed me, depleted my spirit, demoralized and devastated me, specially when they happened combined, and the only thing that can help me recover, to recover my spirit, energy and morale, my passion, my true self, is moral support, the emotional support, validation and understanding of good people.

 

No one really saw haw hurt I've been this whole time.

[Gonzo]

My goal 8 years ago was to understand my moral suffering so I could be and feel like a "moral" person and stop suffering in that unbearable way, i.e. to be and feel "normal" and fully "functional", to survive and live a good life in this society, then psychiatry treated me like a crazy person and a criminal and made me feel absolutely immoral. So, I still need that.

[Gonzo]

Most of my life I felt like a bad person, because that's how they made me feel, because I was mistreated, oppressed, alienated, abused, humiliated. That's why I felt "immoral".

[Gonzo]

I wanted to be and feel "moral" and enjoy life. That's it. And I desperately needed and searched for moral support to overcome/heal my moral trauma/postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity. And I felt "immoral" because I was abused, treated immorally, and no one morally supported me the way I needed to to heal my moral injuries, so I internalized all of it (internalized oppression).

[Gonzo]

I wanted to obtain a moral advantage 8 years ago when I was having that postraumatic and moral crisis and I felt the most "immoral", to feel and be "moral", "normal", to win my moral fight once for all, to overcome my moral suffering and finally become fully "functional", competitive in the social hierarchy of this narcissistic, individualistic and capitalistic society. It's clear to me now. I wanted to let all that behind forever and definitely clear the path of my life of these psychosocial obstacles, to live better.

 

Bad things happened to me before, dduring and after the psychiatric intervention and withdrawal and I ended up being consumed by my postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity, possessed, dominated, living in chronic terror. I tried to fix this when I was 19-20, but things didn't end well. This is the core of my psychosocial "issues", and what I reconnected with during withdrawal: with all my my unprocessed moral trauma, moral suffering and moral terror. I disconnected from all this when I was drugged.

 

For too many years I've been trying to be perfectly "normal", "moral" and "functional", to fulfill societal expectations, to be and do what I was supposed to, to adapt, to survive and to live my best life adjusting to this social context and culture. I always felt so guilty and ashamed because I never fulfilled these social expectations and I never understood none of this, no one explained it to me either, I had to suffer greatly and think a hell lot to be able to just comprehend it, let alone fix it.

[Gonzo]

I always had a lot of internal moral conflicts and moral injuries and no one ever helped me to resolve and heal them, and no one understood or saw them either, so they ended up dominating and possessing me, and that (never-ending thanks to psychiatry) postraumatic and moral crisis happened, that one way or another led to the psychiatric intervention and everything after it.

 

What happened is that psychiatry deeply aggravated and complicated directly and indirectly my already complex and difficult to understand severe moral issues and trauma in multiple ways.

 

Sertraline just freezed all that.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry and Sertraline just freezed all my moral issues that I tried to solve once for all when I was 19-20 years old, facing my moral demons, when my moral conflict finally exploded, possessed and hijacked me, my mind and my life. Toxic psychiatry, its bullshitery, and Sertraline and its chemical deception/medical spellbinding made me unable to overcome my postraumatic moral identity, my moral trauma, and since then, since that postraumatic and moral crisis begun, it has been consuming me, the psychiatric intervention just deeply aggravating all this and making me unable to develop and grow as a person and move foward in my life, confusing me, making me disconnect from the painful truth and emotional reality of my life, from the moral conflict that I needed to face and solve to be able to finally move on, to be fully "functional", survive and live my best life in this sh*tty individualistic, capitalistic and narcissistic society. I gave everything I had to overcome my moral/psychosocial issues, but people and the MH system/industrial complex failed me (Dabrowski second factor) when I was in crisis and needed the most to be morally supported, understood, heard, seen. It wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything morally wrong nor was I crazy for doing what I did and needed to.

 

I never wanted to run away from my moral issues, I wanted to overcome them once for all, but psychiatry didn't give me any other choice than to disconnect from them, because it forced me to do so, it oppressed and alienated me, it victimized and deeply traumatized me, then it drugged me under coerccion, it never helped me, and I disconnected, not only chemically but psychologically as well, I forgot everything without solving nothing, because I just couldn't in that context.

[Gonzo]

Instead of being helped to solve all these complex and excruciating moral issues I was judged, stigmatized, victimized and drugged, and my moral issues accumulated for more years unnecessarily, me not even realizing it because I was disconnected from them being chemically deceived, when they were already overwhelming.

 

I'm more consciouss of the nature of my issues than ever, that they're of a moral nature, complex issues. It's impossible that I could had found the help, guidance and moral support that I desperately needed to overcome them in the MH system/industrial complex. Maybe a religious priest could help me (catholic in my case), they understand moral stuff, MH "experts" just can't for multiple reasons, their moral is the Western capitalistic, individualistic and narcissistic moral, and pure indoctrination, but I haven't made my decision yet.

 

With Sertraline I disconnected from the moral conflict of my life, which I tried to resolve when I was 19-20, trying to be "moral", "normal" , fully "functional", and live well in this sh*tty society. Waking up from the chemical emotional and mental coma and deception of Sertraline is simply reconnecting with that unresolved moral conflict and being forced to face it once more, to solve it, like I was in the past, when I wasn't drugged, when I was under the pressure of that excruciating moral suffering. Sertraline mostly eliminated my moral conflict and moral suffering, chemically suppressing and deceiving me (Dabrowski called this negative adjustment).

 

This is my Sertraline and withdrawal "chaos".

 

There was a time in my life when all this moral stuff was much, much better, but psychiatry made me regress so, so much. I have to recover all my lost progress.

[Gonzo]

I just wanted to be and feel "moral", "normal", fully "functional".

 

What prevented me from being "normal", "moral" and fully "functional" is and was my moral conflict (with my relational environment), my "crazy", post-traumatic, tyrannical moral identity, my moral trauma and overwhelming moral injuries, my excruciating moral suffering.

 

You can't fix things if you forgot them. That's what happened to me with psychiatry, Sertraline and withdrawal. All this has been remembering those things, to be able to fix them, to be and feel "moral", "normal", fully "functional". Psychiatry told me those issues were inside of me and that they were unfixable, before psychiatry I tried to solve them, I thought they were outside of me, I discovered that, that I felt immoral not because there was something intrinsecally wrong and immoral with me but because of external factors, but I needed external emotional validation and moral support to confirm that and recover, to heal my moral injuries and overcome my moral trauma, to be and feel "moral", "normal", and become a fully "functional" person, and it never happened, no one ever understood my moral struggles, my moral suffering, trauma and conflict, so my moral conflict and "crazy" moral identity consumed me. I still need that to recover and heal, nothing changed.

 

That's why is extremely important to identify and normalize withdrawal and find help for it, understanding and compassionate people.

[Gonzo]

My moral issues started at my dysfuntional family and psychiatry continued them, replicated them, revictimizing me, it aggravated them and added more layers to my already overwhelming moral conflict, it worsened it.

[Gonzo]

The thing is, when I quit Sertraline both in 2019 and 2020 I reconnected with the hopeless, exhausted, demoralized, traumatized and terrifying mental and emotional state that I had at the hospital, when I was victimized and drugged, it's just that the moral injuries, harm and trauma that psychiatry inflicted to me had a delayed effect, thanks to the drug it remained hidden, because I disconnected from all that, I didn't came into contact with it, with the emotional reality of my life, until I stopped taking the pills and waking up from the chemical deception and emotional coma of Sertraline. This is something I'm slowly understanding and accepting.

[Gonzo]

I think I used withdrawal, "OCD" and psychiatry to avoid facing my moral issues and trauma because it's just too painful and I lacked moral support. Psychiatry also confused me and misleaded me in multiple ways, so much that I completely forgot about my true problems and stopped understanding them, I lost all insight, and it made me feel that my OC behaviors were immoral, specially during withdrawal and when that traumatizing narcissistic relationship breakup happened, so my moral conflict focused in the "OCD" thing trying to be and feel a "moral" person when in reality none of that was immoral. So I went away from my moral fight. 8 years ago I simply tried to solve my moral problem, once for all, but not only I wasn't helped, but sabotaged, crushed. I hope I can solve it soon.

[Gonzo]

I really needed other people to understand me, to give me emotional validation and moral support, to overcome my moral trauma and conflict, to stop suffering so much emotionally, to heal my moral injuries and to win my never-ending moral fight against my tyrannical, postraumatic and "crazy" moral identity, to end my postraumatic and moral crisis in a healthy and natural way (the only way actually), to not feel so alone, "abnormal", "immoral", to be a fully "functional" person. And I tried so hard to obtain all that, but I got hurt again and again and I got depleted, of so much effort and so many moral injuries, even if I desperately needed all that, so as a result I got stuck in this excruciating mental and emotional state, trapped in my mind, my "dysfuntional" coping strategies being the only thing to relieve my moral suffering. I still do need all that, but I have a more complete understanding of my moral issues and hopefully I'll be able to make better decisions.

 

The moral injuries that psychiatry inflicted to me, how it aggravated my already complex and excruciating moral trauma and suffering, precisely in a critical point in my life when I was trying to understand, find meaning and overcome all this, to heal, the way psychiatry impaired me and messed with my mind, is simply indescribable.

 

Psychiatry never saw nor understand my moral conflict and reactions to it, it just f*cking freezed it and devastated my spirit with its brutality and stupidity.

[Gonzo]

People failed me, my family failed me and the MH system/industrial complex/"experts" failed me, except for a tiny amount of people many of them victims of psychiatry, so, the whole second factor of Dabrowski f*cuked me up, it is what it is.

 

These moral issues, conflicts, I've been carrying them for far too long, 7 years more than I needed too thanks to psychiatry.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I discovered that the cause of my excruciating moral feelings and emotions was external, not internal, but I just needed to be heard, seen, understood, validated, supported, to confirm it and overcome my postraumatic and moral crisis, to heal my trauma and win the fight against my crazy making moral identity. I was searching for moral high ground, for a moral advantage, to overcome my moral suffering and avoid suffering more moral injuries in the future, i.e. being revictimized. Then psychiatry with all its power imposed me the opposite, that I was faulty, immoral, mentally ill, disordered, crazy, that the cause was inside of me and that it wasn't fixable, so I'll be like that forever. After that I guess I got stuck in my mind analyzing, trying to understand, find its meaning and fix my "immorality", beliving that I was really immoral, because that's what my feelings and emotions screamed to me (emotional bias cognitive "distortion", maybe). All of this without the moral support that I desperately needed, on my own, already being deeply traumatized and being labelled as forever abnormal-immoral and crazy (mentally ill/disordered), stigmatized, indoctrinated and victimized by psychiatry. I never gave up but everything stopped making sense in my mind after the psychiatric intervention, confused and deceived by Sertraline, victimized, deeply traumatized and indoctrinated/brainwashed by psychiatry, etc, I forgot my unprocessed trauma and all my moral issues, I stopped understanding everything, I lost all my insight and meaning framework and a hellish chaos let loose when withdrawal begun, all the progress I made regarding all this was gone, undone by the extremely toxic psychiatric intervention.

[Gonzo]

Instead of getting the moral high ground and support that I desperately needed and was searching for, I lost all my moral ground thanks to the psychiatric intervention and other aggravating factors.

 

I think this is definitely the core of my issues, and it has been hell to find it, but I'll find a way out.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I didn't want to be limited, conditioned and possessed by my crazy-making postraumatic, excruciating and tyrannical moral identity ever again, I wanted to free myself from it once for all.

 

I was so angry, frustrated and sad, because I felt abandoned, that no one was truly on my side, even if I didn't do or wanted anything wrong, I still am, and I never accepted that I wasn't gonna get the support I desperately needed and wanted, because I knew and I know it's a matter of survival.

 

I was made felt bad, immoral, again and again for searching for external emotional validation, understanding and moral support because this f*ucked up society is sooooo individualistic that you become an annoyance for others very quickly.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was looking for the cause, the meaning and the definitive solution to my life-long paralizing, postraumatic and excruciating moral emotions and feelings.

 

I'm not an immoral person, immoral is how I was treated: punished, abused, oppressed, alienated, gaslighted, stigmatized, pathologized, judged unfairly.

 

Psychiatry/The MH system/industry, that horrible narcissistic woman, my dysfuntional family and all my previous bullies made me feel that the source of my "immorality" and moral suffering was in me, in something wrong that was inside me and that I needed to fix to be "moral", "normal", "acceptable", a "valid" and "worthy" person, so I ended up hyperfocusing on myself, trying to find what was wrong to fix it. I was oppressed so hard and I lacked so much moral support that I internalized all that and I believed it, I was brainwashed.

 

I'm getting deeper into my life-long moral issues, the core of my psychosocial problems, obstacles and "dysfunctionality", and it's deep, but I'm working on it and using a new approach and perspective. It will take some time to sort all this out, but this is it.

 

it's all insane, what happened to me, and to know that I had to figured all this out on my own, because the help that I needed was simply not there and most likely not there, and it's too risky to try to search for it, most people are too individualistic to give other's moral support and external emotional validation and the vast majority of the MH "experts" just can't comprehend all these complex moral issues, they're trained to pathologize and suppress people, to oppress.

 

I'm also very consciouss that I'm not the only one by any means, that experienced all this, there are many stories here.

[Gonzo]

My inner-external moral conflict is my inner disturbance, what withdrawal "awakened" and came back, when I stopped taking the pills, what never went away, because I never solved it, due to the psychiatric intervention.

[Gonzo]

With psychiatry and Sertraline I simply stopped understanding my emotions and feelings and I forgot how to manage them in a more or less healthy manner. Now I'm recovering that lost insight.

 

Psychiatry made me waste so much time and energy, misleading me, making me forget my real problems and let them unresolved.

 

That moral fight and internal-external conflict, my crazy-making postraumatic and tyrannical moral identity, has always been my inner tension, disturbance and demon, the core of my trauma. All that **** came back when I stopped taking Sertraline.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry changed my focus, from a healthy external focus ("healthy" metacognition) and trying to solve my life problems, to a toxic internal focus (toxic metacognition) and trying to fix myself, which is exactly what happens when you make someone feel immoral.