Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

I developed my most intense "dysfunctional" (individualistic and desperate) coping strategies (such my most intense OC behaviors) during my post-traumatic and "(im)moral" crisis, in order to regulate and endure my overwhelming, excruciating and paralizing post-traumatic and "(im)moral" emotions and feelings, because they were just a reaction, logical one, and meaningful, specially due to the lack of true support, understanding and external emotional validation.

 

My post-traumatic crisis was a crisis of "(im)morality" and it never ended because of the psychiatric intervention.

 

What I tried to do 8+ years ago was good, meaningful, logical and a necessary step foward in my life, but I guess trying to face my own demons all by myself was too much so at the end they overwhelmed me, then psychiatry sabotaged me and reinforced my inner demons victory and power over me.

 

Not a single therapist or psychiatrist understood me and my issues and connected with me, ever.

 

I've been stuck, trapped in the same mental and emotional state since 2015, the one of my postraumatic and "(im)morality" crisis, unable to move foward in my life, like if I had a chronic condition, which is exactly what actually has been all these years, thanks to insane and toxic psychiatry.

 

Psychiatry actually says that "mental illnesses" are chronic conditions, that they have no cure. Well, now I understand why they say that. Its "treatments" and meaning framework are simply toxic and create those same chronic conditions that they say to "treat/improve".

 

I wanted to share this great antipsychiatry book:

 

https://www.madinamerica.com/insane-medicine/

[Gonzo]

The trauma ceased to exist for me while I was taking Sertraline, it was there, it was still there, but I was emotionally disconnected from it and I could not see or feel it. It's the chemical deception.

 

I starting Sertraline at the hospital because I was forced to, hopeless and completely overwhelmed by my experience, inner experience and psychiatric experience, I "gave up" under those circumstances, and I sedated "myself", I was forced to disconnect from myself because I didn't have true support.

 

I have always felt overwhelmed by my "(im)moral" emotions, sensations and feelings in my life.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I didn't want to feel "like this" anymore, bad, wrong, immoral like a bad person, unworthy, inferior, abnormal, always distressed, anxious, endangered, etc., I couldn't enjoy life, I couldn't ever relax or rest, I was tired of this inner tension, disturbance and chaos, of this infinite suffering, I didn't want to be anymore a slave to trauma, to live running away from all this in a never ending and impossible escape, I wanted to be free and live fully, to be in control of my mind, myself and my life. These excruciating and dreadful "(im)moral" feelings and emotions, I think they're the core of my psychological hell, of my (complex) trauma, my mental and emotional"issues", the ones that lead me through this path. They're just trama responses, postraumatic reactions, to what happened to me in my life, I know that, so they're logical and meaningful, understandable, but I don't know very well what to do with them, how to face them. I know 8 years ago I tried to overcome them once for al in a postraumatic crisis timed race that I lost, specially because of the psychiatric intervention, so I don't know. At least now I finally know what I'm facing, it's terrifying, but I can name it, I can see it, face to face, it stopped being a mistery, I'm not in the dark, in the fog, disconnected, like when I was taking Sertraline or during most of my withdrawal. No one ever validated these terrifying emotions and feelings of mine, I always have been alone with them, trapped with them, their slave.

 

Yeah, because of psychiatry I never overcame all this, so I got stuck in the healing and meaning making process, my mind never moved foward. So this is what I need to do. To finish this process, to free myself from this mental and emotional invisible hellish prison that no one could ever saw, not even myself, to recover myself and the power.

[Gonzo]

Morality(ity) is the (internalized) social norms and social pressure/oppression of the relational environment on the individual, it has no "fix", except changing of relational environment or changing the relational environment. Psychiatry and my family made me feel like I had done something bad, immoral, wrong, when I didn't and I was going through that horrible postraumatic "morality" crisis. I have always been consumed by my extreme morals. My extreme (im)moral(ity) is my chronic sense of danger, hypervigilance, paranoia, chronic anxiety, etc., my suffocating, wild, unbearable, internalized oppression. I see it clearly now. I was tired of repressing myself, of masking, fawning, of not being able to be myself.

 

I had fight freaking hard when I was a teenager against my psychological "issues", against all these postraumatic (in)moral feelings and emotions, against my inner mental and emotional hell, to feel safe, at peace with myself, to feel good, to recover, to be "functional", and it all went down the toilet since the psychiatric intervention and trauma, because of psychiatry. I must resume the fight.

[Gonzo]

Like I said, at the hospital I depleted the energy I had left after one year and half resisting all these horrible feelings and emotions, trying to cling to my "true" present time reality, to protect it from my postraumatic/trauma "distorted" reality (postraumatic cognitive dissonance). I used all the energy that I still had trying to obtain external emotional validation and support from the (cold and heartless) people there, explaining my life and experiences the best I could, still overwhelmed immersed in my crisis and being judged, stigmatized, alienated and oppressed by all those people, I was trying that in order to be able overcome my crisis, recover, be "functional" again and come back to "reality", to be "normal" again, in a natural way, probably the only way. That was my objective, to face my demons and to win that battle. But instead I was pathologized for my acts and forced to take Sertraline, and because I had no other choice, under coerccion, and I was completely exhausted and still overwhelmed by these horrible feelings and emotions, I took it, I had to take it anyway to escape that place and recover my stolen freedom that those bastards took from me, and I needed to rest desperately, I was just depleted, physically and mentally. I still wanted to overcome my inner demons instead of keep running away but the more time I spent drugged and disconnected from my true feelings, emotions and needs the more I forgot what I needed to do, what my real objectives were, how to achieve them, until I totally forgot everything and everything stopped making sense, I lost all meaning, but I never recovered, I was just drugged. This incomprehensible nightmarish chaos is what I've been describing the best I could for months, since July 2023.

 

Drugs don't solve anything, they're just drugs, they deceive your brain, your body, your mind, yourself.

 

The last thing I needed 7 years ago was to be arrested, incarcelated, pathologized, stigmatized, oppressed, alienated, revictimized and drugged by insane psychiatry.

 

I think my mind is definitely back to the present time reality, which sucks, so obviously I don't enjoy it, I suffer.

[Gonzo]

My mental and emotional reality stopped between 2015 and 2017, before I started taking Sertraline. I always wanted to recover but it was impossible while I was chemically disconnected, suppressed, dissociating  psychologically or overwhelmed by reality during withdrawal.

 

If you take a wrong step and fall, if your strength fails and you cannot continue, if you are deeply traumatized, if you make a mistake, in an individualistic society, you are screwed, they walk over you and crush you like a bug, they stigmatize you, they pathologize you, they incapacitate you to continue, they destroy you. Because it is dog eat dog, a never-ending fight for survival, an existential fight, there is nothing to fix on the individual, he just adapts, reacts, adjusts.

 

I needed to feel safe, to receive external emotional validation, in a safe place, to overcome my postraumatic feelings, emotions and reactions, to rest and recover, to heal my trauma.

[Gonzo]

I completely lost myself between my brutal post-traumatic and moral crisis, the abuse and trauma of psychiatry, the psychological dissociation of trauma and the chemical disconnection of Sertraline, and the devastating narcissistic abuse of that woman and the hellish chaos of the retraumatizing withdrawal.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I couldn't even understand my feelings and emotions, not even name them, they were feelings and emotions of immorality, of being abnormal, illegitimate. I felt immoral. Why? Because we unconscioussly and automatically copy our relational environments to survive in them, and our Western societies and cultures are twisted relational environments with a twisted morality. It wasn't my fault.

 

8 years ago I wanted to "fix" my extreme, (post-)traumatic, excruciating, overwhelming, twisted morality, to free myself from it. Psychiatry ended up returning me to it, fully, when I was most vulnerable and actively seeking help, external emotional validation, to overcome it. Of course, when I took Sertraline all these feelings and emotions never went away, I never solved this emotional problem, I just disconnected from them, it completely deceived me.

 

And I got stuck trying to fix it, which was impossible because I was disconnected, chemically and/or psychologically dissociating, blocked by the trauma and/or the drug. At some level I could feel that the problem had never been solved but I just couldn't exactly tell, it was like invisible to me, its existence.

 

I guess all this time I've been trying to prove myself and others that I was not immoral, in my own way, or escaping the pain of feeling immoral.

 

Psychiatry never understood me or helped me with my struggle, that my postraumatic and extreme moral emotions and feelings were consuming me, it just aggravated it, severely, and confused me, making me loose precious years of my life that will never come back

[Gonzo]

I think I reached the core of my psych pain and psychological "issues": those damn moral feelings, sensations and emotions that are trauma related, trauma responses, postraumatic reactions. My "dysfunctional" coping strategies (such as OC behaviors and various addictions) always have been to regulate/control/suppress/reppress them, to fit in my oppresive and alienating relational environment, lacking true support and external emotional validation for them, and understanding. I never understood them, I couldn't even name them, they always have been terrifying to me, and no one ever understood my struggles, my emotional and mental chaos and hell. What to do with them? I don't know. I'll have to learn how to cope with them, because I lost all my healthier coping skills since psychiatry intervented in my life. But this is an old fight for me, a life long fight, I'm familiar with it. What I wanted 8 years is to have an enduring inner peace, so I didn't have to be fighting against all this forever, trapped in this psychological and invisible psychological nightmare, I wanted to free myself from it, once for all. Psychiatry and Sertraline prevented me from finally doing it, they both confused me, deeply, they disturbed me more than I could ever had imagined. Psychiatry is dangerous, they're too powerful and clueless most of the time in most cases and sometimes simply evil, not in 100 years it could had understood all what I've been describing here, it's just impossible, they don't have the tools to understand what really causes all these problems and how to fix them, all these MH "experts" they're just indoctrinated and trained to pathologize the human condition, to drug and suppress people, to make Big Pharma rich.

 

That narcissistic woman and her narcissistic abuse really screwed me too, very deeply. Maybe it was even more harmful that psychiatry, and it all happened while I took Sertraline and I was suffering its retraumatizating withdrawal, going through a reality shock.

 

Psychiatry and Sertraline made me disconnect from my unresolved trauma and forget it at the same time. That's what made my withdrawal so retraumazating and long.

[Gonzo]

I've been going back and forth in my mind and emotionally between 2014 and 2020. These mental and emotional time travels can be common in withdrawal. I'm certainly experiencing them today.

 

What I was going through 7/8+ years ago was a moral fight/war, against all my the values and beliefs that I had internalized from my oppresive and alienating environment that were slaving me, so it was an inner fight/war, there was no physical enemy to fight against, it was inside of me, invisible, it was the "spirit/demon" of my oppresive, alienating and traumatizing relational environment.

This was the emotional reality of my life back in 2017, during my psychiatric intervention and before it happened, the emotional reality that I disconnected from psychologically, dissociating, because of the trauma that psychiatry inflicted to me, and chemically, because of the drug that forced me to take, to "fix/treat" me, to make me "come to my senses", to "reality", chemically deceiving me and my brain, making me left behind and unresolved all my psychological "issues/problems", my traumas, without closure, and forget about them without having overcome them.

 

Because of Sertraline I disconnected from my brutal inner civil war and it ended up being a frozen conflict. Sertraline gave me a fake years long rest from all this fight and emotional suffering that was not worth it and that I never asked for nor wanted.

 

This is the existential/meaning/identity/postraumatic/quarter life crisis I was going through, I needed to free myself from all that internalized oppression, from all those twisted moral, to recover, to be myself again, to transform myself, to reach my true potential, to self-realize, to rest from all my traumas, to be fully "functional", survive and have a good life in this oppressive, alienating, individualistic, narcissistic and capitalistic society and culture.

 

That narcissistic woman, I stopped Sertraline cold turkey (not knowing anything about withdrawal, because no one ever told me, my psychiatrist only told me about the "rebound effect" if I stopped taking Sertraline too quickly, but the returning of what symptoms? I didn't even know that "Pure O OCD" was, because again, no one really told me about it) while we had some kind of romantic relationship, I thought I had her support and understanding, that she was going to emotionally validate me no matter if I went through that "rebound effect" or not, because that's what she made me feel and believe, I felt I had her love, she truly scammed me, she had just manipulated and used me while I was drugged, overwhelmed and confused in 2020, after experiencing withdrawal since late 2019 and resuming Sertraline in April 2020, just when we met. She didn't care about me, that's what she had made me believe, to hook me up, to manipulate me, to use me, to exploit me, to satisfy her own needs. She left me alone during withdrawal, she abandoned me, making it much, much worse than it should had been.

[Gonzo]

I felt, thought and believed more or less that this brutal inner civil war of mine had ended, but it never ended, I just disconnected chemically from it, drugged, sedated, numbed, high, while I took Sertraline, then I stopped taking it, and it came back, even more brutal than before, because, first of all, I started disconnecting psychologically and chemically while I was being traumatized/victimized by psychiatry, at the hospital, disconnecting from the psychiatric trauma that they inflicted to me, then, when my withdrawal started, I was suffering a very intense narcissistic abuse and being victimized/traumatized again, suffering a new trauma at the same I was reconnecting with my forgotten brutal inner civil war and my unknown to me back then psychiatric trauma.

 

But specially traumatizing and confusing was going through the same brutal inner civil moral and postraumatic war and crisis all over again, that I thought, felt and believed I had finally left behind, chemically deceived by Sertraline, it all has just been a cruel lie.

 

Psychiatry sabotaged the healing process and personal transformation I was immersed in, it totally blocked me from finalising it.

 

Today was a sad day but I made a lot of progress.

[Gonzo]

These are the factors that contributed to the length of my withdrawal (PAWS):

 

-Started Sertraline treatment during an involuntary hospitalization that involved a non violent but traumatizing arrest, being treated like a criminal for a month and victimized.

 

-When I started Sertraline treatment I was going through a very, very intense personal crisis (moral, postraumatic, existential, meaning, identity, quarter life crisis).

 

-I never had informed consent, like most people.

 

-I stopped taking Sertraline for some time in 2018, tapping badly, can't remember when and how and for how long exactly.

 

-I stopped tapping badly and cold turkey and reinstated multiple times at the end of 2019, at the same time that I was going through the end of a tumultuous friendship, my withdrawal starts.

 

-Covid-19 lock down begins and I'm trapped all the time with my very stressful and dysfuntional family.

 

-I resumed Sertraline in April 2020, I also start a narcissistic relationship.

 

-I stop taking Sertraline cold turkey at the end of August 2020, at the same time the narcissistic relationship starts going downhill, I'm being abused openly, until the breakup happens in the first days of January 2021, when I was still suffering "neuroemotions", it's a very traumatizing experience, a revictimization.

 

-I get drunk 31 December 2020, I drank alcohol before as well and during 2021 and 2022 I drank alcohol and got drunk a few times.

 

-My parents become very abusive towards me in 2021 and 2022, I still lived with them, and no one in my family helped me with them.

 

-Sertraline deceived me, it made me feel that my inner civil war was finally over, but it never ended, so when I stopped taking the pills in 2020 again I came back to the unresolved emotional reality of my life from 2017, 2016 and 2015 and I suffered a reality shock that was totally overwhelming because I was not prepared for it and I couldn't make sense of the experience, specially during the narcissistic abuse that I endured from that extremely harmful relationship while I was unable to defend myself as I needed to in my mental and emotional state.

 

-I have a complex trauma history.

[BaccatePlayer]

Very sorry for what you had to go through. Sending lots of positivity, Gonzo! This battle may not be over but you grew from a boy to a man, stronger than many healthy ones. Heroes don't always wear capes but the light of their powers shines the brightest in hearts of those who had heard of them.

[BaccatePlayer]

Very sorry for what you had to go through. Sending lots of positivity, Gonzo! This battle may not be over but you grew from a boy to a man, stronger than many healthy ones. Heroes don't always wear capes but the light of their powers shines the brightest in hearts of those who had heard of them.

[Gonzo]

Many thanks for you words @BaccatePlayer, I guess so. I hope you're doing better. I feel I'm now in the last stage of my recovery journey.

 

To my previous comment I want to add something that I said before: if we suffered withdrawal is because we also suffered a substance abuse disorder.

 

Also:

 

-My family has always been very narcissistic and hierarchical, and I occupied the lower position.

 

-I already had a complex story before psychiatry, that the psychiatric intervention aggravated in multiple ways.

[Gonzo]

All these horrible moral/social feelings, emotions, sensations, overwhelming, paralizing, excruciating, this is what I needed support for.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was tired of living with fear and sorrow, feeling anguish, tired of feeling IMMORAL.

 

Psychiatry destroyed my spirit, my mindset, my meaning framework, my soul, my identity, my personality, it shattered them. And it had no right to do so. And that woman took what was left of me.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I tried to exorcise myself, on my own, of my moral and post-traumatic demon, of my (post-)traumatic guilt and shame, to empower myself and regain control of my life, knowing that no one would understand or help me, but in the end psychiatry reinforced the power of my inner demons, validating them instead of me, and forced me to disconnect from them, so they became even more powerful that they already were while I thought, felt and believed that I had finally left them behind, being chemically deceived. You can never feel safe, relax and rest while you are possessed by an extreme and traumatic moral, feeling that there is something wrong with you, abnormal, bad, wrong, that you are not like others, that you're crazy, etc.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I didn't want to be trapped in the mental and emotional hell of my extreme morals and (post-traumatic/)trauma (reactions) again. My extreme morality has always been a post-traumatic reaction. I need and needed love desperately but I didn't know it. Emotional validation is LOVE. The psychiatric intervention made me completely forget all my true and legitimate goals. Psychiatry made me feel immoral just when I was going through an overwhelming moral and post-traumatic crisis.

 

When my withdrawal happened I was very angry, I was in rage, because I felt like I had lost a golden opportunity to find validation and closure for my TRAUMA in the relationship with that (abusive) woman and I couldn't understand why it all happened, why it all went downhill, why I lost control like that, and I blamed my "Pure OCD" of everything, that is, myself, I was ignorant of the psychiatric trauma that I suffered, of the modus operandi of psychiatry and what it did to me and of the withdrawal that I was suffering (since the end of 2019), I was also in denial suffering the consequences of the brutal narcissistic abuse that woman did to me, I was in denial of her abuse and I couldn't I identify it either, that kind of abuse was new to me and felt so humiliated, I was so devastated, to be revictimized all over again.

 

I forgot how to fight my extreme morality, my inner demons, because of psychiatry and Sertraline.

 

I am completely lost in my life, I've been since the psychiatric intervention but I didn't know it back then.

[Gonzo]

When the Withdrawal started I didn't understand anything, I had no one to blame for the breakup with that woman, because I couldn't blame her for the narcissistic abuse she did to me, I needed her too much and I didn't know even know what narcissistic abuse was, and I didn't know that I was suffering withdrawal, or that I had been immersed for years in a false, chemical reality, the one of Sertraline, and then I blamed my "Pure O OCD" for everything, that is, I blamed myself, I was in denial and ignorant at the same time, I was completely clueless, I didn't even know she had really abused me, because I was drugged when I met her and we dated, after all this happened I got indoctrinated by psychiatry, deeply, in its oppressive, alienating, nihilistic, hopeless and meaningless pseudoscientific meaning framework, and I got stuck in my head, dettached from life for the next years, I lost what was left of my pre psychiatry identity. Sertraline made me let my guard down without ever solving my problems.

 

8 years ago, before, during and after my psychiatric intervention I was TERRIFIED of being trapped in the mental and emotional state and nightmarish (traumatic) reality of my extreme, traumatic morality, of being dragged back into it, consumed by my post-traumatic morality, dominated and enslaved by all those extreme feelings, sensations and emotions, paralyzed, as I had been before as a teenager and child, of being trapped in the trauma again and being re-victimized because of it, abandoned, etc, all those horrible and traumatic moral feelings and emotions, they terrified me. That was my biggest fear and what I tried to avoid at all costs. This is what some authors call the core fear. Individual reality is created in the individual's minds, and mine was terrifying. No one ever understood all this. I just wanted to move foward in my life, to live fully, and freely, to not fall back, I wanted to live my life feeling like a normal, valid person, free of chronic shame and guilt, feeling safe, and to not feel in danger all the time anymore.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I felt in danger all the time no matter how, when and where, it was like an indiscrimitate feeling of danger, even if things were finally rolling for me, they were much better than all the previous 5 years or so. I couldn't understand why it was like that. So I tried to understand, to fix it. They definitely were postraumatic moral feelings, that's the best way I can describe them.

 

All of my objectives 8 years ago went through the same need: to control/overcome all these horrible, paralizing and overwhelming postraumatic moral feelings, sensations and emotions,  I NEEDED to control/overcome them, I really needed to.

 

[Gonzo]

My mind is really getting out of the fog.

 

8 years ago I wanted to find my calling in life, my path, but I knew that first I needed to overcome the trauma (all my moral and postraumatic stuff).

 

I really to control/overcome my horrible postraumatic and moral feelings, sensations and emotions, I really needed to, and I tried, giving everything I had to do so, that's why I self isolated for one year and half, but I couldn't on my own and I got stuck in my head trying to do it and unable to move foward in my life.

 

I didn't want to normalize living my life feeling immoral again when I was 19-20, by any means. I wanted that inner tension, disturbance, hellish chaos to be over once for all.

 

I didn't want to feel immoral (and all the related extreme postraumatic and moral feelings, sensations and emotions) ever again, to feel "like that".

 

Psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology just don't have the tools to make sense of my story, to help me to go through all this and come to the other side, to help people like me, but they have the power to harm the hell out of me, like the proved multiple times.

 

I spent most of my twenties drugged or suffering withdrawal already.

[Gonzo]

I didn't value the time while I was drugged and overwhelmed and confused in withdrawal. But now I realize more and more its value, it's precious, it's life.

 

I got stuck in my mind, trapped in my head, dettached from life, from the rest of the world, trying to solve my emotional postraumatic and moral problem by myself, alone, trying to defeat my inner demons, but never succeeding.

[Gonzo]

I've been dealing lately with very familiar and horrible feelings, emotions and sensations, the ones I've been describing in my latest posts. They're the core of my "psychological issues", they are specially powerful during the morning. There is nothing to fix on me, as psychiatry made me think, feel and belief, confusing me for years, this is just a fight for freedom, dignity and happiness against the twisted morals that I internalized from my twisted relational environment, it always has been.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I had a moral fight against my relational environment, for the legitimacy of my actions, real identity and personal needs, for my freedom and personal dignity, and I lost it, due to the overwhelming intervention of psychiatry. Sertraline and psychiatry made me lost and forget my internal and external moral fight, without ever resolving it.

 

I must not forget that moral fight, because it was a legitimate fight, the good fight.

 

These last two years/year and a half I have been challenging the legitimacy of psychiatry to regain the legitimacy it took from me.

[Gonzo]

When I accepted my "diagnosis" of "Pure O OCD" in late 2020/early 2021 I was in withdrawal, ignorant, confused, overwhelmed and in denial, of all my trauma, of the narcissistic abuse that I had suffered with that abusive woman, I could not face nor understand the painful reality of my life, I felt absolutely immoral, the psych pain was unbearable, excruciating.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling now all the emotional stuff reppressed for years and years, chemically and psychologically.

[Gonzo]

I think I finally reconnected with the core of my psychological "issues", with my core feelings and emotions, and it all makes sense now, all my behaviors, reactions, thoughts, beliefs, coping strategies, etc, all my past and present acts, everything is logical and meaningful now, because I can clearly see what my needs were and are and how everything is interconnected.

 

I figured out, again, because I already did between 2015 and 2017, before the psychiatric intervention, the "emotional" problem of my life, and it always has been of a social, moral and traumatic nature.

[Gonzo]

I'm learning how to deal again with my core "moral" and "postraumatic" feelings and emotions. I have a lot of traumas and moral injuries, they are from before psychiatry, those are my original emotional "issues", the ones I tried to fix when I was 19-20, but psychiatry and everything that happened because of it created a lot more traumas and moral injuries that I need to deal with now.

 

I need to solve the problems of my life that I didn't solve because of the psychiatric intervention, because they're the same, plus the ones that psychiatry created.

 

I realize that I feel old, tired, lifeless, even if I'm not that old, I'm 27 years old, but I lack the spark that I used to have when I was younger, the passion, the energy, the spirit.

 

When I was drugged I had the energy and spirit of a young person that didn't need to be drugged, but because I was I also had the artificial energy of Sertraline, I was high. 

[Gonzo]

I have a lot of emotional work to do. But the good news is that people do recover emotionally, from emotional and moral wounds, because we are built strong, to recover from our injuries and move foward. It's the same stuff that I was dealing with before I disconnected chemically and psychologically due to the psychiatric intervention. I'll fix this, I know what all this is about, it's very familiar to me. I'm reconnecting more and more with my past/old self, rediscovering my pre psychiatry forgotten objectives, needs, feelings, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, logic, meaning (framework), etc.

 

I intellectualized obsessive-compulsively for far too many years, psychologically disconnected from my painful and postraumatic emotions, feelings and sensations, from what I needed to figure all this out, but I did it because I wasn't ready to do face the painful truth, to face the pain.

[Gonzo]

The core of my emotional "issues", that lead to my 2015, 2016, 2017 postraumatic and moral crisis and that resumed when I stopped taking the pills always has been of a moral and traumatic nature, I see it so clearly now, a matter of normal vs anormal, moral vs immoral, it comes from my relational environment where I never felt that I fit in, I've never seen and dealt with these "issues" so clearly as I'm doing now, but that doesn't mean that I can do it better. This is my terror, all this social and emotional stuff, my biggest trauma.

[Gonzo]

I didn't want to feel immoral ever again. It's clear to me now. Most of my life I felt immoral, expect when I was 16, when for some time I felt a valid, normal person, worthy, moral. I have massive moral, emotional and relational injuries, psychiatry and that last narcissistic relationship made me feel absolutely immoral, like a freak, abnormal, a monster, I already had them before them so they both aggravated them when I was the most vulnerable. I guess when I was hospitalized I expected to receive some kind of moral support, I was naïve, but not so much, what I was is desperate and above everything else ignorant, because I had no idea of what psychiatry really is. My family never supported me morally the way I needed to feel better. Because that's what I needed, moral support (i.e. external emotional validation, emotional support, human connection, to feel understood, seen, accepted) to find closure for my complex (relational and moral) trauma, to emotionally heal, and I tried to have it searching it for as long as I could, until exhaustion, even after the revictimizing involuntary hospitalization, I tried to find it there and outside of that horrible place, for the past 8+ years. But it never took place, and in 2022-2023 I was depleted so I gave up for the most part, I had no more emotional/mental energy to keep searching even if I still desperately needed it, like I needed it 2015, because the need never changed, it always remained the same. No one helped me to meet that need. But still, even with all the bad things that happened to me, I still tried to heal, to search for that moral support, because the need to heal and to emotionally and mentally rest is stronger than anything else. That's why I'm here, because the trauma and excruciating inner disturbance never ended, so the need to heal and rest never stopped either.

 

The psych pain of feeling immoral is excruciating (a common cause for "dysfuntional" coping strategies), and it's usually related to ugly social/relational traumas, involving family and other types of abuse. I hope that with my story someone in trouble can see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it's the darkest, and to not feel alone.

[Guest]

You will get through this  

 

I hope someone from the mods can help her! 

[Gonzo]

I think someone commented here being very triggered and very aggressively to what I've been posting in my thread saying that I'm sick, harmful/immoral and a narcissist but didn't explain why? That's what my email notification says. I don't know if it's the last person who commented, but in any case, I writte what I'm allowed to writte in this community and I do it because external emotional validation is healing and no one is forced to read all the stuff that I've been telling here WTF. I'm honest, If I wasn't so harmed and traumatized I wouldn't be here like most members of this forum but because I do I search for that external emotional validation in others and healing. Maybe this person was triggered because I openly attack psychiatry, or because I'm very direct with my comments, I don't know, if that's the case, no regrets about it, this site is not pro psychiatry either AFAIK.

 

Healing from withdrawal and reclaiming your life can be much more than just withdrawal symptoms, it can be a very deep healing journey, involving pre psychiatry traumas plus the traumas caused by psychiatry, that's one of the reasons of my thread length, I want to make that clear with my story. I said mutiple times but yeah, I really think withdrawal community needs to be trauma informed, which is basically an approach that acknowledge the meaning and complex, logical causes behind people's difficult and painful experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, reactions, etc.

 

So anyway, I came here to tell my story, looking for insights and now I'm using my thread as a diary (I already said that many pages back) to organize my healing journey/process and of course for emotional validation.

 

This person's original post or whatever made me realize that my withdrawal is mostly unprocessed trauma, so maybe it's not technically withdrawal but I reconnected with this trauma and I started to feel the need to deal with it again and reprocess it when I stopped taking the pills cold turkey during and after that narcissistic and abusive relationship in 2020-2021. But all this is part of my recovery/healing journey/process and it is definitely interconnected with psychiatry and Sertraline.

 

Today it was a very painful day for familiar reasons but I'm more connected than ever and having lots of insights.

 

Like I said, I didn't want to feel immoral ever again, I wanted to be able to enjoy life.

[BaccatePlayer]

You're embracing your issues with incredible courage. Your insights show lots of development and maturity, keep going Gonzo. Handling so much at such young age is a great recovery on its own.

[Gonzo]

Thanks @BaccatePlayer, hope you're doing better too.