Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

My difficult emotions have been commanding my life for too many years.

 

(Natural) Emotions are messengers, they tell what happens or happened around you, they tell the truth, so if you reject emotions you reject reality, and that's what I've been doing: to reject reality, specially when psychiatry intervened in my life.

 

I never had the psychological toolbox to give meaning to my emotions and feelings, to naturally regulate them, to explain them to others, etc.

 

But the reason why I rejected my emotions is because others rejected and shamed them, my own family, the mental health system/industry, etc. Because I was gaslighted. So I've been doing to myself what others did to me, self-suppressing, self-gaslighting. It's called internalized oppression, it happens when you are severely oppressed for too long. If others reject your emotions and oppress you, gaslight you, etc, they're rejecting reality as well.

 

I obsessed with the search for meaning and answers to fix my life problems, to find solutions, to move foward in my life, to have the knowledge and power to control these painful, difficult and overwhelming (postraumatic reactions,) feelings and emotions that have been hijacking me for so long and recover control over my life, because I didn't really understood them and I rejected them, because they were very distressing and confusing to me and no one helped me to make sense of them. Psychiatry is all about pathologizing, antagonizing and suppressing intense emotions, feelings and reactions, behaviors, thoughts, etc, and (mainstream) psychology is all about controlling them too, just like I did, and most people can't and couldn't understand my emotions, feelings and inner experiences, their intensity and complexity.

 

(Natural) Emotions and feelings are pure energy that comes from the interaction with our environments, if you reject them, suppress them or can't let them go, they accumulate in your body (postraumatic stress) and can cause all kind of problems, physical and psychological.

 

These emotions and feelings, just like psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, are like invisible commands, mental programming, and I wanted to be free, to free myself of all that oppression and alienation.

 

I did what I had to do, what I needed to do.

[Gonzo]

With psychiatry I stopped knowing myself, I disconnected from my real self, I started fearing myself, my true identity, my intensity, etc.

 

Psychiatry never knew **** about me, who I really was and it never cared about it, about me and my struggles, it just imposed my its generic, toxic and stigmatizing identity and false explanations, its oppressive, alienating, hopeless and meaningless meaning framework, it suppressed me chemically and psychologically.

[Gonzo]

With Sertraline I forgot how to self-regulate and cope with reality, and during withdrawal, overwhelmed, desperate confused, because I made the mistake of believing the psychiatric lies, I thought that my "OCD diagnosis" was real, true, when it was just a reaction to what happened to me, to the traumatic circumstances suffered, so I obsessed for years trying to fix my "OCD", i.e. trying to suppress my own reactions to trauma and coping mechanisms, I harmed myself doing all this, misleaded, scammed, thinking that it would allow me to recover control over my life, that I definitely lost during withdrawal, all the control that I had left. **** psychiatry.

 

I self-obsessed and self-absorbed for years and years, trying to answer the why of my overwhelming inner experiences, because of the lack of external emotional validation, understanding and true support.

 

Psychiatry never understood why I am the way I am and never gave a damn about it. "OCD" is not an explanation for the way I am, it's just a misleading, pathologizing and stigmatizing description of my obsessive-compulsive behaviors and reactions.

[Gonzo]

Almost three years later, after my Sertraline retraumazating withdrawal begun, the drug-induced false reality I was desperately clinging to finally collapsed under the weight of the true reality, then I started not eating well, losing a lot of hair, stopped from going out and my skin aged very quickly, it got a lot worse, I lost a lot of muscle and started to look much older than before, all due to the enormous amount of stress, I was running away from that stress as much as I could until I couldn't anymore. It's been crazy. I'm 27, 28 years old in a couple of months and I hope to recover my physical appearance a little.

 

https://youtu.be/kgQZEYJOXx0?si=7QRGkVqpgfLiVCba

 

Like this guy says in this video, healing is happening but it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. He is so right, I wish it was a sprint.

 

Not trusting, accepting and understanding your emotions is not trusting, accepting and understanding yourself.

 

I tried to acquire the tools that I needed to understand my inner experiences, to find meaning, searching for the truth, 8 years, and I mostly did, until psychiatry took them away from me as I was a retarded little kid, then when my withdrawal started and I came back to the painful and true reality of my life I tried to acquire them again, but this time I was 99% focused on psychiatry and totally scammed and trapped in its intoxicating and meaningless ideas.

 

Sertraline chemically suppressed my need for meaning and psychiatry made me afraid of search for meaning again, because of the psychiatric trauma and fear of being arrested and locked down once more, of being revictimized.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry is telling people (and us) all the time that our emotions, feelings, behaviors, reactions, thoughts, etc, don't make any sense, that they're meaningless, abnormal, illogical, it's organized gaslighting and denial, it's rejecting reality. That's what psychopathology is about, it's gaslighting and all about suppressing individuals and hiding the truth, it trains people to self-gaslight and self-suppress through indoctrination and brainwashing.

 

Psychiatry teach us to fear ourselves, our authenticity, our intensity, etc.

 

What happens and happened to me for the past 8 years is a (never-ending) postraumatic crisis that I couldn't overcome, mostly because of psychiatry and my family didn't allow me to, when I was extremely vulnerable.

[Gonzo]

I didn't even realize back then but just before that traumatic breakup happened, 4 months after my retraumazating withdrawal started, when I remembered my "OCD" "diagnosis", extremely confused, emotionally overwhelmed, desperate, searching for answers, trying to understand what was happening to me, and to fix it, to avoid breaking up with that girl (which was pretty much unavoidable at that point), I got deeply into the "OCD" thing, I thought that was what was happening to me, the problem that I needed to solve to recover control over myself and my life, I was hijacked by my postraumatic feelings and emotions, my postraumatic crisis had resumed, but because of the psychiatric intervention, trauma, indoctrination (I wasn't aware of it of course) and my ignorance (not my fault) I pathologized myself, my inner experience, all what was happening to me, and I blamed myself even for her abusive behaviors, for everything, because all the internalized oppression that I had, I abused myself as I was abused before, I was trapped in the psychiatric toxic individualism and I was full of (postraumatic) shame and guilt. I didn't even realize it, immersed in the most extreme confusion that I ever experienced. This is what psychiatry did to me. Madness, pure gaslighting and oppression.

 

Psychiatry treated me as if I was a crazy person. Its damage was so deep. It shattered my meaning framework/system. It's the reason why I'm here and I've written so many posts.

 

I never could find closure for that postraumatic crisis, to resolve it, for said reasons.

 

To be honest, I think most people wouldn't be able, at least on their own, like I've been doing for the most part. It's excruciating.

 

No one EVER told me "this is just a crisis, this is temporary, it will get better, you will recover". No one. They invent medically indetectable and illogical mental disorders, hopeless chronic conditions, mental illnesses without cure, the ******* bastards, that get people stuck in their reactions forever. They lack basic empathy and humanity, they're so brainwashed, so indoctrinated, or just careless, apathetic.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry knocked me out, it submitted me, took my hope away, even when I was drugged and high and I didn't realize it, but no matter how long this crisis is, it's just a crisis, and I'll overcome it.

 

I needed to overcome my hypervigilance (coming from my unprocessed trauma and postraumatic reactions) 8 years ago to be efective, productive, "functional".

 

Psychiatry "diagnosed"("discovered/uncovered") me a "mental condition/illness/disorder" during my postraumatic crisis, my "Pure O OCD"(=I think "too much", "too" intensively, it's "illogical", "abnormal", "nonsense", "meaningless", and annoying/disturbing for others), when in reality it just pathologized and stigmatized my obsessive-compulsive behaviors, intelectual intensity and personal identity, behaviors and intensity that were not even a problem at all for me or for others but just a reaction to trauma and part of my true identity, it gaslighted, alienated and oppressed me. The reason why I got there was because I stopped eating well and once locked down, in that abnormal circumstance and oppresive place, I was "diagnosed" with "OCD", and I didn't even have an eating "disorder", they had no ******* idea what was happening to me, nor like they cared either, I was a problem for them and they needed to get rid of that problem, i.e. me, "suppressing" my "mental illness" "symptoms", eliminating my "abnormalities", drugging me.

 

They don't ******* have medical evidence for anything, that's why mental disorders and illnesses are invented not discovered.

 

Psychiatry treated me like a chronically useless person to society because I was traumatized.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3-uDSsOC3Z/?igsh=Mm5keHBrYm1ncjgz

[Gonzo]

I lost my common sense with psychiatry.

 

I wasn't able to adjust to reality while I took Sertraline.

 

This is something I wrote in 2023 telling my Sertraline side and adverse effects:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/Antipsychiatry/s/N4KOmxlVKL

 

I'm definitely doing better now, I have much more understanding about myself, my life issues, what happened to me and everything else.

 

Each passing day, the more connected I am, the more I realize how fake my Sertraline reality was and how chemically disconnected and disordered I was because of the drug.

 

8 years ago I didn't want to always be alert, defensive, hypervigilant, tense, on guard, angry, aggressive, dominant, fighting my inner demons and other people, I was tired of living like that, it was stupid to me, I wanted to relax, to feel safe, to be calm, to rest, to reconnect with myself and connect with others, etc, to have inner peace, to live a better life. I wanted and needed to growth as a person.

 

With Sertraline I forgot how to self-soothe and self-regulate healthy and naturally.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I was trying to discover who I really was, my true personal identity.

 

This all began as a post-traumatic crisis, which conventional/mainstream psychology and psychology aggravated through multiple ways over the span of multiple years.

 

Understanding, accepting and overcoming the Sertraline chemical deception and retraumatizating withdrawal is one if the most difficult things I've ever done in my life.

[Gonzo]

Why did I feel "that way" and I had those reactions (hypervigilance, violent behaviors, etc) 8 years ago? Because they were postraumatic feelings and emotions, postraumatic reactions, and they happen after the traumatic event happens, specially when you're triggered or feel safe and lower down your guard, it's the mind-body trying to protect itself or reprocess what happened, trying to release all the stored postraumatic stress and find balance again, to recover homeostasis, to rest. It is and it was healthy, normal, logical, meaningful, necessary and temporary (except for psychiatry, that made it a chronic condition with its traumatizing and extremely harmful intervention).

 

It was just a postraumatic crisis, because I couldn't handle all by myself all my overwhelming postraumatic reactions, they hijacked me, my mind and my life, and I lost all my perspective immersed in that crisis, and because of toxic psychiatry.

 

All this indoctrination and brainwashing really got strong when I started believing in my "Pure O OCD diagnosis" just before that traumatic breakup happened and shortly after my retraumazating withdrawal begun, it was when I fell into this trap.

 

I obsessed trying to suppress my postraumatic reactions, not only OC behaviors but any behavior and reaction that psychiatry defines as pathological, because I thought doing so I would recover control over my life.

 

Esto es una crisis, esto es temporal, se me pasará, como siempre hace, las cosas mejorarán.

 

Es mi vida, son mis reacciones, son mis pensamientos, son mis conductas, son mis emociones y sentimientos, me pertenecen, yo tengo el control.

[Gonzo]

Sertraline made feel, think and belief that my postraumatic crisis was over, that chemical deception ended up being devastating.

[Gonzo]

So yeah, psychiatry made my postraumatic crisis a chronic condition, literally.

 

Quería y quiero vivir mi vida en mis propias condiciones, en mis propios términos.

[Gonzo]

No podía relajarme porque estaba atrapado en una crisis postraumática pero estaba tan inmerso en ella y durante tanto tiempo que había perdido perdido toda la perspectiva, y especialmente por la intervención psiquiátrica.

 

My OC behaviors became a problem only when psychiatry made them a problem and I started believing in the "OCD diagnosis".

[Gonzo]

Hace 8 años hice todo lo posible para no quedar desbordado por mis emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos, atrapado en mis reacciones postraumáticas y dominado y secuestrado por mi crisis postraumática.

[Gonzo]

Hace 8 años no quería vivir más con miedo.

[Gonzo]

Sorry for the posts in Spanish, I wrote them in a hurry to not forget my thoughts.

 

I think my next step is normalizing my emotions and feelings, my relationship with them, purging my intoxicated metacognition, basically, to make it healthier, to feel confortable and safe in my own skin, in my(true)self and to have a better relationship with myself.

 

All my life I've been shamed and guilt-tripped for my feelings and emotions, so gaslighted, and psychiatry did the same when I was extremely vulnerable and I was actively looking for validation, something that was very brave because I preferred to abandon my individualistic mindset and (false) identity and be vulnerable in order to have a chance to heal and growth as a person.

 

La psiquiatría y la psicología convencional me molieron a palos por ser "anormal".

 

La cuestión hace 8 años es que sabía que si yo me voy a tomar por culo todo en mi vida se va a tomar por culo, porque es una sociedad profundamente individualista y sabía que nadie iba a salvarme, a rescatarme, sino todo lo contrario, y eso fue exactamente lo que sucedió.

[Gonzo]

Cuando más ayuda necesitas es cuando más te abandonan, maltratan, estigmatizan y patologizan en una sociedad profundamente individualista y deshumanizada.

 

Esto es temporal, esto es normal, perfectamente lógico y razonable, tiene sentido, todo el sentido del mundo, no me pasa nada malo, esto es una crisis, no una condición.

 

8 years ago I felt there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix, abnormal, bad, this is a clear sign of (post-)traumatic/"toxic" shame, emotion and feeling that was overwhelming back then, during that postraumatic crisis, so I tried to find out what it was, to fix it, and I got into conventional/mainstream psychology and psychiatry that told me yes, there is something wrong with you, disordered, abnormal, bad, and everything went downhill from that moment.

[Gonzo]

La psiquiatría deslegitimó mis emociones y sentimientos, mis necesidades personales, mi identidad.

 

Lo único que hizo el sistema e industria de salud mental es agravar mi trauma que ya era complejo y cronificar mis reacciones postraumáticas, no reconociéndolo nunca, sino patologizándome, oprimiéndome y alienándome.

[Gonzo]

La psiquiatría al final lo único que hizo fue amplificar y escalar mis problemas y traumas, tratando de reprimirlos, de suprimirlos, mis reacciones, pensamientos, emociones, sentimientos, mi intensidad, mi identidad, etc.

 

Me hizo perder el sentido común, nunca le dió normalidad a ninguna de mis experiencias, todo lo patologizó.

[Gonzo]

La psiquiatría y Sertralina me causaron un desorden mental total y absoluto, devastador.

 

Mi realidad personal colapsó en 2015-2017, cuando comenzó esa crisis postraumática, y a partir de 2020, cuando dejé la Sertralina de golpe y reconecté con mi crisis postraumática.

[Gonzo]

Hace 8 años buscaba la "solución" a los problemas de mi vida, y la encontré, una solución personalizada, pero necesitaba validación y la psiquiatría me invalidó/hizo gaslighting brutalmente y obligó a desconectar, a hacer fawning, química y psicológicamente, y con el paso de los años, drogado, y con el Withdrawal retraumatizante, y con la confusión y estafa y adoctrinamiento y lavado de cerebro y trauma psiquiátrico, y el abuso familiar, olvidé esa solución personalizada que encontré, pese a que me forcé a recordarla incluso cuando estuve drogado, y durante el Withdrawal sobre todo a partir de 2023 cuando entré de lleno en la antipsiquiatría.

 

Y qué era la "solución" de todas formas? CLOSURE a mi TRAUMA, RESOLVERLO, SUPERARLO, SANAR, RECUPERARME, SOBREVIVIR, SALVARME. Y no me dejaron. La psiquiatría tóxica y opresiva y mi familia abusiva me bloquearon, noquearon y anularon durante 7 años.

 

Necesito que recuperar mi paz interior.

[Gonzo]

I still find myself self suppressing and self obsessing when I detect "OCD symptoms". My mind gets stuck in that loop. I have to tell to myself that OC behaviors are reactions, not a "condition", etc. Also, that emotions are not pathological, but normal and temporary. Those bastards intoxicated my mind in such a way, disturbed my metacognition so deeply. My emotions are so overwhelming because I've been reppressing them for so long, specially after psychiatry and during my 2015 postraumatic crisis, but most of life I've been doing it. When you have been shamed since you were little for telling the truth and expressing your emotions you learn that there is something wrong with them and with you, abnormal, and you learn to self-suppress, that is traumatic shame, from relational trauma. Then psychiatry shames the postraumatic reactions and the already overwhelming feelings and emotions, saying that in fact there is something bad with them, abnormal, that they make no sense, are pathological, illogical, and tries to suppress them, teaches you and commands you to suppress them, chemically and psychologically, reinforcing the message of relational trauma and traumatic shame. So this is why those postraumatic reactions, emotions and feelings stay forever and they truly become chronic conditions. It's a mental prison of intoxicating ideas, brainwashing, indoctrination and trauma, and a chemical prison as well when psychiatric drugs are taken for too long and unsafely. So many layers of trauma. I have to tell me all this, alone, because no one around me gets it or they would just pathologize me as well, they don't understand how damaging those psychiatric intoxicating ideas are, pure poisson. This started the moment I got into the Internet trying to find answers and into psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology, but specially in 2021, after that traumatic breakup happened and I blamed my "OCD" for what happened between us when it was in reality what happened was that it was a very toxic relationship and emotionally abusive person and my retraumatizing withdrawal happening at the same time.

 

While I took Sertraline I didn't need to self-soothe by myself anymore for the most part, the drug did it for me, mostly, so I forgot how to relax, I didn't need to learn it, to keep my coping skills, but I actually needed them. So when the withdrawal happened I was not ready to deal with reality and my real emotions and feelings.

 

My OC behaviors were not ideal coping behaviors but my personal circumstances were not ideal either and they had a purpose and were logical and psychiatry pathologized them, and when I started believing in the "OCD diagnosis" I started self suppressing my OC coping strategies, reactions and defense mechanisms.

 

My metacognition really started getting bad when I got into the "OCD" thing in 2021, when I started believing in the "diagnosis" and by extension in the rest of psychiatric "diagnoses" and in the psychiatric model, then my metacognition got corrupted by the psychiatric indoctrination and intoxicating ideas, I became my worst enemy, I really started self-suppressing/oppressing and self-obsessing, self-absorbed, being at war with myself.

[Gonzo]

Llevo tantos años reprimiendo mis emociones, la mayoría de mi vida, así se volvieron tan desbordantes en 2015. Tengo tantas emociones reprimidas, que nunca entendí ni acepté. Vienen de todo lo que me pasó en mi vida.

 

I never needed to "fix" my "OCD" to recover control over my life, what I needed was to overcome my postraumatic crisis (that suddenly resumed when I stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey) and improve my life conditions. The "OCD diagnosis" was extremely misleading and harmful.

 

La psiquiatría patologizó mi intensidad intelectual, por eso mi "diagnóstico" de "TOC Puro", pero mi intensidad intelectual nunca fue un problema para mí.

[Gonzo]

As in the past weeks and month I've remembering many things from my past, many emotions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, needs, objectives, things that I forgot with psychiatry and Sertraline.

 

I remembered when I was a teenager, after finishing high school, which was a very traumatic experience for me, I told to myself "I'm done with this ****, it's over", it was a strong resolution, to make a clear mental distinction between traumatic past and present, to start living a new life. That resolution gave me an inner peace that I never experienced before and not again after it happened to me. But I never overcame my trauma, I reppressed it, I compartmentalized it. So triggers started to happen, and disturbed my inner peace. I tried to suppress those postraumatic reactions, feelings and emotions, from the triggers and unprocessed trauma, at first they were low intensity, but the more I suppressed them the stronger they became, until they hijacked my mind and my life in 2015. I couldn't understand what was happening to me, but in reality it was just a hell lot of reppressed trauma, screaming to be heard. I told to myself "this is the (traumatic) past hijacking my present". It also hijacked my mind and my future. To heal trauma, for real, you need others, to give you understanding, emotional validation and support, so you can relax, lower down your guard, release all the stored postraumatic stress, rest and find balance again, inner peace. Because that's impossible to do in deeply individualistic and traumatized society where more and more people are becoming emotionally stupid the only way to survive and move foward in your life is to reppress the trauma, compartimentalizate it, or take drugs or engage in similar "dysfuntional" coping strategies that actually are individualistic coping strategies and defense mechanisms trapped in this toxic relational environment and context. So that's what happened to me. Psychiatry and conventional/mainstream psychology deliberately ignores trauma, is all about suppressing "symptoms" and individuals, so it was just impossible to heal like this. All this was a problem that I couldn't comprehend in 2015 but that I needed and wanted to solve to overcome these psychological obstacles and move foward in my life, being able to be fully "functional", survive and live my best life adaptating to reality and adjusting to this highly imperfect society. But I obsessed with the "why", trying to find the meaning behind all this, the answers, and solutions, like if it was a very complicated math problem that I had the urge to solve, to save myself, to survive, to avoid being revictimized. My biggest fear was "loosing control", behaving in public in an "abnormal" way and being revictimized, so I feared being overwhelmed by my postraumatic reactions and being oppressed, alienated, abandoned, etc, again, I feared not being enough, worthy, valid, "normal".

 

Psychiatry made me lose all my self confidence

 

Psychiatry just complicated everything for me, 1000x times.

[Gonzo]

8 years ago I wanted and needed to have inner peace, to rest, I wanted to overcome my internal disturbance, my trauma, after so many years of emotional pain. I needed to control my post-traumatic reactions so as not to be stigmatized, oppressed, alienated, abandoned, revictimized, that's what I feared, and that's what happened at the end with psychiatry.

 

That's what I was searching for: inner peace. But when I got drugged, numbed down, sedated, high, chemically deceived and disconnected (from my real emotions and real needs) for years, it all stopped making sense, I forgot everything.

[Gonzo]

When I got into mainstream psychology and psychiatry at 19, during that postraumatic crisis, looking for answers and solutions to my post-traumatic reactions, feelings and emotions, I began to pathologize my inner experience, to blame myself, to confuse myself even more, and make the problems in my life worse, because there was no validation there, only toxic individualism. 8 years ago I wanted to solve the problem of my post-traumatic reactions, feelings and emotions once and for all, because I understood that if I didn't face my trauma and overcome it it would never stop disturbing me. But I started obsessing and I never received the external emotional validation that I desperately needed.

[Gonzo]

La psiquiatría y psicología mainstream/convencional sólo agravaron mi Trauma, mi crisis postraumática y mis reacciones postraumáticas.

 

Mi "diagnóstico de TOC" es y fue puro gaslighting que mi psiquiatra usó para justificar mi "locura" (en su opinión).

 

Mi Withdrawal es y era mi crisis postraumática.

[Gonzo]

La psiquiatría y psicología mainstream/convencional sólo agravaron mi Trauma, mi crisis postraumática y mis reacciones postraumáticas.

 

Mi "diagnóstico de TOC" es y fue puro gaslighting que mi psiquiatra usó para justificar mi "locura" (en su opinión).

 

Mi Withdrawal es y era mi crisis postraumática, que nunca se fue y que nunca superé, de la que sólo desconecté químicamente y olvidé drogado durante años, con la que reconecté repentinamente sin estar preparado en cuanto dejé la Sertralina de golpe en 2020 y sin poder entender absolutamente nada, completamente desbordado.

 

Ahora puedo entender el porqué de todas mis acciones, la lógica de todo, y mi "diagnóstico de TOC Puro" fue puro gaslighting, una etiqueta estigmatizante y pseudocientífica que decía que pensaba demasiado, que me comí demasiado la cabeza hasta el punto de decir locuras, cosas sin sentido, como si se me hubiera ido la olla y estuviera delirando, desvariando, sólo porque para el psiquiatra que me "diagnosticó" nada tenía sentido, para él todo era ilógico, porque estaba lleno de odio y resentimiento y no toleraba que cuestionara su autoridad, porque era un mediocre, incompetente, malo y mal médico y no podía entender mi experiencia, aunque traté de hacer que lo entendiera lo mejor que pude para que me apoyara y ayudara a recuperarme y a recuperar mi vida haciendo un sobreesfuerzo brutal para contarle lo que me estaba sucediendo, pero él sólo sabía patologizar y drogar, y necesitaba esa etiqueta para justificar el "tratamiento farmacológico", el uso de Sertralina o la droga que fuera, y mi estancia allí.

 

Para la psiquiatría yo decía locuras, por eso me puso la etiqueta de "TOC Puro", y luego me dijo que mi "locura" no tenía cura y que necesitaba "medicación" de por vida.

 

Mi problema es el mismo ahora que hace 8 años: superar mi crisis postraumática, recuperarme e independizarme.

[Gonzo]

I tried to explain my psychiatrist when I was involuntarily hospitalized the best I could that I was going through a postraumatic crisis, what I was experiencing, to find support and validation, to get helped, but he just ignored me, pathologized and gaslighted me and labelled me saying that I was mentally ill/disordered, crazy, that what I was telling him was nonsense and that what I experienced and my behaviors were illogical, then drugged me. That was devastating. All my experience in that place was traumatizing. To be honest, when I isolated myself, when I was 19-20, I realized that I needed help to overcome that overwhelming mental and emotional state, my postraumatic crisis, and to recover control over my life, to recover myself, and i knew that I could get involuntarily hospitalized for my behaviors and reactions, in fact, I was looking foward it, because my family and any therapist that I tried during that crisis could help me, and they didn't, and I was totally overwhelmed, so I thought that in that place they would help me. I was just naïve and ignorant, I had no idea of all the madness I was getting in. Psychiatry destroyed my inner balance, my coping skills and my mental health and in fact aggravated my OC behaviors by a factor of 10, because it aggravated my trauma, further traumatizing me, making me feel a lot more unsafe and vulnerable (specially when I quit Sertraline and I reconnected with everything, with reality, even if I couldn't understand rationally, my emotions were telling me the truth all the time), and it made me self-obsess with my OC behaviors, misleading me.

[Gonzo]

Hace 8 años me preguntaba por qué me sentía "así" (de mal), qué había "malo/mal" en mí? Y traté de responder a esa pregunta, de encontrar respuestas, y soluciones al problema que me suponía, cayendo en la psicología y psiquiatría tóxicas. Tenía una carrera contrarreloj contra mis reacciones, emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos, contra mi crisis postraumática, por el control de mi vida. Y al final, la perdí, por la intervención de la psiquiatría, que me saboteó.

 

Llevo todos estos años dominado por mis reacciones, emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos.

 

El porqué de mi experiencia interna desbordante y mis reacciones, emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos era el TRAUMA NO PROCESADO, que compartimentalicé a los 16 años pero que nunca superé y cuyos triggers y mensajes se fueron haciendo más y más intensos hasta que me dominaron por completo y secuestraron mi mente y mi vida. Confundí el hecho de compartimentalizar mi trauma con el superarlo y nunca lo entendí ni acepté.

 

El abuso psiquiátrico que sufrí fue una brutalidad.

[Gonzo]

La Sertralina fue una estafa química, me hizo sentir, pensar y creer que había superado mi crisis postraumática.

 

Hace 8 años mis reacciones postraumáticas me parecían estúpidas.

 

Mi problema nunca fue el "TOC" sino mi trauma y crisis postraumática, que la psiquiatría cronificó.

 

Hace 8 años no quería más compartimentalización de mi trauma, ni represión emocional, ni más trauma, ni más mentalidad individualista. Quería superarlo de una vez por todas, librarme de esa perturbación interna.

 

Sólo necesitaba un poco de validación externa, para confirmar que no estaba loco, que lo que estaba experimentando y viviendo y pensaba y sentía y creía tenía sentido, y entonces la psiquiatría me hizo un gaslighting brutal, devastador.

[Gonzo]

A los 19-20 ya no podía compartimentalizar más mis emociones y sentimientos postraumáticos, eran demasiado intensos, y la disonancia cognitiva brutal, incontenible, incomprensible (para mí entonces), insoportable, y tampoco quería, quería y necesitaba superarlos de una vez, despejar el camino de mi vida de barreras psicológicas, y tampoco pude seguir ignorándolas una vez comencé a escucharlas e investigarlas y abrí la caja de Pandora.  Dejé de aceptar la realidad y la realidad me devoró.

 

Trataba de superar la disonancia cognitiva de mi Trauma y crisis postraumática brutal, y lo intenté hasta el agotamiento en el hospital.

 

He estado atrapado durante los últimos 8 años en mi proceso de recuperación del TRAUMA y meaning-making por culpa de la intervención psiquiátrica, que bloqueó de diversas maneras, psicológicamente y químicamente, por eso he estado tan obsesionado con encontrar respuestas y he tenido conductas obsesiva-compulsivas tan intensas todo este tiempo ("TOC").

 

Cuando dejé de ver mis conductas OC como EL problema a resolver, para retomar el control de mi vida, y como la causa de mi sufrimiento, dejaron de convertirse en un problema para mí, porque nunca las fueron, sino sólo una reacción postraumática y estrategia de afrontamiento "disfuncional" (individualista, adictiva y desesperada), y parte de mi identidad personal.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compartmentalization_(psychology)

 

La compartimentalización me dió estabilidad tanto tiempo como pude hacerla.

[Gonzo]

Esa compartimentación me dió una paz inédita para mí e incomprensible, y me aferré a ella tanto tiempo como pude, tratando de conservarla. Hasta que los triggers se volvieron demasiado intensos y perturbadores y la disonancia cognitiva (postraumática) insostenible y mi realidad colapsó, irreconciliables ambas realidades para mí, en mi mente, la presente, del pasado traumático, y la presente, desembocando en una crisis postraumática, de identidad, existencial y de sentido. Porque tenía demasiada trauma no procesado, que nunca superé realmente, sólo lo compartimentalicé, pero ni yo mismo entendí lo que hice ni lo que me estaba pasando. Y estaba harto, quería superar esa perturbación interna de una vez, mis triggers, mi hipervigilancia/paranoia, mi trauma (no procesado/superado). Y lo di todo por lograrlo, hasta que la psiquiatría me saboteó y aplastó como a un gusano, me patologizó, oprimió y alienó brutalmente, estigmatizó y drogó.

 

Compartimentalizar el trauma no es superar el trauma, pero yo nunca lo entendí, porque esa compartimentalización me dió una paz interior y un sosiego que no había experimentado en mi vida antes.

 

Lo que quería era tener paz interior, porque estaba psicológicamente agotado, emocionalmente exhausto, y la Sertralina y la psiquiatría nunca me dieron esa paz que buscaba sino que me generaron muchísimo más desasosiego.

 

Suprimir mis "síntomas" con terapia nunca me iba a dar sosiego y la Sertralina sólo me dió un respiro químico, artificial, falso, el tiempo que duró su efecto y la tomé.

[Gonzo]

Mis conductas obsesiva-compulsivas nunca fueron un problema para mí, sino sólo una reacción a lo que me estaba sucediendo y me sucedió y en cierta medida también parte de mi identidad personal. El problema para mí eran mi trauma (no procesado) y mis reacciones postraumáticas, especialmente mi hipervigilancia, que no me permitía concentrarme y ser efectivo, "funcional", y mi perturbación interna, mi desasosiego, y mi disonancia cognitiva brutal entre mis dos realidades simultáneas y opuestas, que no podía entender ni aceptar. Mis conductas OC se convirtieron en un problema, en EL problema a resolver sólo cuando me creía mi "diagnóstico" de "TOC Puro" y la narrativa psiquiátrica tóxica, comencé a obsesionarme conmigo mismo, tratando de arreglarme, a auto-suprimirme, a hacerme auto-gaslighting, etc, momento en que corrompió mi metacognición creando una guerra interna que no existía antes.

 

Mi "diagnóstico" de "TOC Puro" era una falsa explicación, psicopatológica y estigmatizante de por qué hice lo que hice y pensaba lo que pensaba y creía lo que creía, sólo porque mi psiquiatra no le podía encontrar sentido a nada de eso y me tomó por loco, como estuviera delirando, como si hubiera perdido la cabeza y hubiera estado diciéndole locuras.

[Gonzo]

Psychiatry made me extremely vulnerable to this society modus operandi, because of how deeply it traumatized me and indoctrinated/brainwashed me in its sick, hopeless, nihilistic and meaningless mindset.

 

I feel a lot more mental clarity, is getting better and better, my emotional and mental chaos is getting less chaotic, more manageable and I feel more in control of my inner experiences, which is awesome, but it's not over yet, everything it's getting into place slowly.

 

I understand things now in a way that I never did before I think, maybe even before psychiatry, at least regarding some subjects of my life.

 

I know that I've been spamming a lot of posts, but I think it's worth it and necessary in my recovery journey.

 

My next post will be about the personal, mental and emotional circumstances that lead me to this path.

 

Everything is making sense in a way that I can't remember the last time I had this level of insight. Everything seems logical again. Because there is and there was logic and meaning behind all my experiences and actions, except when I was drugged and chemically deceived, disconnected from my real emotions, feelings and needs and confused, but even then I always felt something wasn't quite right, that I needed to do something, but I couldn't tell what exactly it was, somehow I still knew that I was living trapped in the same postraumatic crisis but it was like invisible to me, it was an extremely harmful and powerful chemical scam and a chemical invisible prision, I didn't know I was imprisioned and suppressed there, but I was.

 

This always has been mostly just a crisis, but psychiatry and conventional/mainstream psychology made it chronic, a chronic condition, so after I left the mental health system/industry in late 2022 and I overcome its sick, hopeless, nihilistic and meaningless mindset healing naturally happened, and is happening. This crisis is at this point 8+ years old, so I can't tell anymore how life is out of this postraumatic mental and emotional state, I forgot how it was.

 

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling more hopeful lately, like I haven't been in a long time.