Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

I think someone commented here being very triggered and very aggressively to what I've been posting in my thread saying that I'm sick, harmful/immoral and a narcissist but didn't explain why? That's what my email notification says. I don't know if it's the last person who commented, but in any case, I writte what I'm allowed to writte in this community and I do it because external emotional validation is healing and no one is forced to read all the stuff that I've been telling here WTF. I'm honest, If I wasn't so harmed and traumatized I wouldn't be here like most members of this forum but because I do I search for that external emotional validation in others and healing. Maybe this person was triggered because I openly attack psychiatry, or because I'm very direct with my comments, I don't know, if that's the case, no regrets about it, this site is not pro psychiatry either AFAIK.

 

Healing from withdrawal and reclaiming your life can be much more than just withdrawal symptoms, it can be a very deep healing journey, involving pre psychiatry traumas plus the traumas caused by psychiatry, that's one of the reasons of my thread length, I want to make that clear with my story. I said mutiple times but yeah, I really think withdrawal community needs to be trauma informed, which is basically an approach that acknowledge the meaning and complex, logical causes behind people's difficult and painful experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, reactions, etc.

 

So anyway, I came here to tell my story, looking for insights and now I'm using my thread as a diary (I already said that many pages back) to organize my healing journey/process and of course for emotional validation.

 

This person's original post or whatever made me realize that my withdrawal is mostly unprocessed trauma, so maybe it's not technically withdrawal but I reconnected with this trauma and I started to feel the need to deal with it again and reprocess it when I stopped taking the pills cold turkey during and after that narcissistic and abusive relationship in 2020-2021. But all this is part of my recovery/healing journey/process and it is definitely interconnected with psychiatry and Sertraline.

 

Today it was a very painful day for familiar reasons but I'm more connected than ever and having lots of insights.

 

Like I said, I didn't want to feel immoral ever again, I wanted to be able to enjoy life.

Hi Gonzo,

 

yes it was me, but I don’t use the commercial word (trigger) so narcissistic (also commercial) behavior is an diagnosis, and I just wanted to know who diagnosed you that you have been abused by some narcissist, that was all! 
 

I wish you anyway healing, because I was not offended, I just did not recognize why you talking about things that have to be diagnosed. 
 

anyhow, wish you luck on your diary’s and healing path.

[Gonzo]

I think your previous post was pretty offensive, maybe you didn't deliver the message that you wanted to deliver to me the way you had in your mind, but whatever.

 

No one diagnosed me with Narcissistic Personality "Disorder" or told me that I suffered narcissistic abuse, I discovered that I suffered narcissistic abuse some years ago after the breakup of a very abusive/narcissistic relationship, just shortly after my withdrawal started, in fact my withdrawal happened in big part because of this emotionally abusive/narcissistic woman, she had emotionally scammed me, making me feel, think and believe that I had her emotional support and validation, and she was very intense and sexual, so I decided to stop taking the pills cold turkey (not knowing what withdrawal was, at all) mostly because of sexual side effects that I saw as an obstacle to connect better with her, to satisfy my emotional traumatic needs and to find closure for my traumas, but she was a scammer, a very narcissistic person and I was drugged, numbed, already suffering withdrawal since late 2019, very confused and desperate for love, to be heard and seen, she used my traumatic needs to exploit me.

 

My official psychiatric "diagnosis" is "Pure O OCD".

 

I can't even remember how I discovered that I had suffered narcissistic abuse, I was deep in withdrawal and very traumatized, but yeah, this emotionally abusive relationship that I had and this woman a lot of very abusive narcissistic behaviors so that's why I call it narcissistic abuse/relationship, why I say that she was a narcissistic (emotionally abusive) woman. It's a way to describe and communicate the experiences that I had.

 

People that suffered the same understand me.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling very strange again, having difficulty to understand my reality, nothing feels familiar, I feel lost in a strange, unfamiliar place.

[Gonzo]

I felt "like that" because I felt immoral, and I always have been terrified of feeling like that. I've been avoiding it at all costs since I was 16, when I experienced that inner peace that it was actually a relief of my moral feelings and emotions, I felt moral, then I started feeling immoral again for not meeting social expectations, and I tried to overcome once for all my extreme moral feelings and emotions when I was 19-20, I needed to, to be fully "functional", to survive and have a good life in this society, but at the end I didn't succeed and I became depleted and mostly hopeless.

[Gonzo]

Well, I'm still facing my core psychological "moral" "issues" that existed long before the psychiatric intervention. My first memory in life, when I was in kindergarten, was me feeling immoral, angst, abandoned, etc. I always carried these feelings, emotions and sensations, sometimes they were more intense, some other times less intense, but they always have been there, extremely distressing. That kindergarten was closed by court order a few years ago because of child mistreatment, and in fact I remember being physically abused by the staff there, some of my earliest memories in life. It's possible that these terrifying and excruciating immoral emotions, sensations and feelings and fear of abandonment come from this place and time of my life, and they got reinforced by future events such as highschool bullying, psychiatry, abusive and toxic relationships, etc. I think I have something here. The thing is, I feel and felt all this a had all these reactions for a good reason, not because I'm crazy or ill or disordered or abnormal or immoral as psychiatry and mainstream/conventional psychology say. Things happened to me. So it's logical, understandable, it makes sense, even if I can't remember it's exact cause. This immoral stuff can be defined as basically trauma, terror and panic trapped in my mind and body, not feeling safe in my own skin and head, being myself, feeling always in danger, unsafe, terrified. I always have been terrified of feeling all this, being like a retraumazation, just feeling it, and of course being revictimized. All this emotional stuff is very, very familiar to me but always has been terrifying, no matter how familiar it is. I'm not a bad person. I'm not immoral. I just have a massive amount of emotional and moral trauma, long before the psychiatric intervention.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

Nun, ich stehe immer noch vor meinen zentralen psychologischen „moralischen“ „Problemen“, die schon lange vor der psychiatrischen Intervention bestanden. Meine erste Erinnerung im Leben, als ich im Kindergarten war, war, dass ich mich unmoralisch, ängstlich, verlassen usw. empfand. Diese Gefühle, Emotionen und Empfindungen hatte ich immer in mir, manchmal waren sie intensiver, manchmal weniger intensiv, aber sie waren es immer dort, äußerst beunruhigend. Dieser Kindergarten wurde vor ein paar Jahren per Gerichtsbeschluss wegen Kindesmisshandlung geschlossen, und tatsächlich erinnerte ich mich an körperliche Misshandlungen durch das Personal dort, einige meiner frühesten Erinnerungen in meinem Leben. Es ist möglich, dass diese schrecklichen und quälenden unmoralischen Emotionen, Empfindungen und Gefühle sowie die Angst vor dem Verlassenwerden von diesem Ort und dieser Zeit mein Leben herrühren und durch zukünftige Ereignisse wie Mobbing in der Schule, Psychiatrie, missbräuchliche und toxische Beziehungen usw. Ich denke, ich habe hier etwas verstärkt. Die Sache ist die, ich habe das Gefühl und das Gefühl, dass das alles aus einem guten Grund all diese Reaktionen hervorgerufen hat, und nicht, weil ich verrückt oder krank oder gestört oder abnormal oder unmoralisch bin, wie die Psychiatrie und die Mainstream-/ Konventionelle Psychologie sagen. Mir sind Dinge passiert. Es ist auch logisch, verständlich, es macht Sinn, auch wenn ich mich nicht an die genaue Ursache erinnern kann. Dieses unmoralische Zeug kann im Wesentlichen als Trauma, Terror und Panik definiert werden, die in meinem Geist und Körper gefangen sind, das Gefühl, in meiner eigenen Haut und meinem Kopf nicht sicher zu sein, ich selbst zu sein, mich ständig in Gefahr, unsicher und vertraut zu fühlen. Ich hatte immer schreckliche Angst davor, das alles zu fühlen, wie eine erneute Traumatisierung, es einfach nur zu spüren und natürlich erneut zum Opfer zu werden. All diese emotionalen Dinge kommen mir sehr, sehr bekannt vor, waren aber schon immer erschreckend, egal wie vertraut sie auch sein mögen. Ich bin keine schlechte Person. Ich bin nicht unmoralisch. Ich habe einfach ein enormes emotionales und moralisches Trauma, lange vor der psychiatrischen Intervention.

Are you German? Angry!

 

I'm sorry that your kindergarten is closed, but that doesn't matter. Focus more on the WD than what is happening to you. As you said, the “kindergarten” is closed. You don't have to worry about past mistakes. If you know what I mean. In my opinion, WD can be frightening and yes, human interaction can cause stress too, but like all of us here, we suffer from WD connection that shouldn't be there. Take care! And I'm sorry that this is above her.

 

Vielleicht sollte sie die Anzeige erstatten, auch wenn der Kindergarten geschlossen hat, kann man das Persönliche zu Rechenschaft ziehen. Gerichtlich versteht sich.🫶

[Guest]

@Schafhi Shep, sorry to bother you!

 

I feel really really really triggert by this person. I don’t think is WD is a personal “immoral” deficit who try to deform another persons reality and 🔒 for his own. 
 

 

[Gonzo]

I'm finding your comments a bit distressing, confusing and invalidating Guest, what I tell here is what I feel I need to tell to get it out of my chest and hopefully to help others to find meaning and validation in case they experienced the same (and to connect with others). I'm trying to reach the core of my psychological "issues" to heal. Sometimes I remember things, like this kindergarten event, these are moments of insight that bring me data that connects my inner experiences with the things that happened in my life, I writte it down to remember them as well.

 

I'm not German, I'm Spanish, I used the word "angst" to refer to "angustia".

 

I never said withdrawal is immoral but that I feel a lot of excruciating moral feelings, sensations and emotions, during, after and before withdrawal, that I always have felt as an inmoral person, because of trauma. My withdrawal experience is deeply connected to trauma, that's why I said multiple times that my withdrawal is and has been retraumatizing.

 

I feel like you get emotionally triggered by what I post. Why so? What's your story?

[Guest]

 

Absolut!

[Gonzo]

Kindergarten is "guardería" in Spanish.

 

Do you have a thread where you tell your story? Maybe the mod team can help you. I don't think they could really help me because my story and case is mostly about complex trauma and less about withdrawal but I hope they can give you a hand.

[Gonzo]

I guess the biggest reason why I'm here always has been the desperate need for moral support, which is basically external emotional validation, human connection, essential to find closure for the trauma, to feel safe and to heal/overcome it. I've been trying to find this moral support during, before and after my psychiatric intervention, when I went to therapy, had abusive relationships, etc.

[Gonzo]

I couldn't think clearly while I took Sertraline and when I was overwhelmed during withdrawal, it's obvious to me now, I wasn't myself.

[Gonzo]

What I need and needed 7-8 years ago was MORAL SUPPORT to finish the development of my own moral system and find CLOSURE for my MORAL TRAUMA. If I ever knew that I totally forgot it since the psychiatric intervention, drugged, oppressed, alienated, gaslighted, stigmatized, pathologized, misleaded, confused.

 

I'm trying to reframe my whole life with all the new info that I currently have, I understand things a lot better, but my problems remain the same, I need to find a new way to solve them, things have changed. And I need my spirit and passion back like they used to be, and my lost morals.

[Gonzo]

I have multiple traumas, of social and moral nature, that I need to deal with, the last one happened in 2020-2021, it was that narcissistic relationship, it happened for a combination of factors but at the end I blamed myself and used the "Pure O OCD" to be in denial of what had happened while I was confused because of withdrawal at the start of it, so I never overcame it. This is the trauma that I need to face the most at the moment. She was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic person, we met in April 2020, when I was already suffering withdrawal since late 2019 (I didn't know of course), and when I had just reinstated Sertraline (because I didn't like how I was feeling) and feeling pretty desperate. She played with me, manipulated me, seduced me, gained my trust, made me feel that I had her moral support, understanding and emotional validation, so at the end I decided to trust her and stop taking Sertraline cold turkey, not knowing anything about withdrawal, I just wanted to connect better with her and enjoy sex without those damn sexual side effects. But at that moment, when she had already won the seduction game is when she had lost interest in me and becoming increasingly colder, more distant, etc, I couldn't understand why, it was a day night change. All that first stage of the "relationship" or whatever it was happened while I was drugged, sedated, numbed, confused, and the rest while I was in withdrawal. Then when I stopped taking the pills I felt she was abandoning me and I panicked and got very angry at the same time because of her abusive behaviors, I had strong emotional reactions because I became my true self, recovering my true feelings and emotions, and because she was abusive and I couldn't accept the way she was treating me, she provoked those reactions as much as my withdrawal "neuroemotions" did, but she had emotionally scammed and hooked me already, so I still needed her too much, I couldn't let her go, then things started getting ugly until the breakup happened and I was left totally confused, victimized and overwhelmed not being able to understand what the hell had happened. I started blaming myself and my "Pure O OCD", for everything, just before the breakup happened (it's fawning, a trauma response, I wanted to make her stay with me or to not end things in such a traumatic and painful way), when in fact she was the one who had scammed me and abused me. I became so obsessive with her because I was in withdrawal, suffering those damn "neuroemotions" but very abused too and traumatized by all of it and still desperately needing the emotional support that she had given to me during the first lovebombing/honeymoon stage of the relationship, and used to hook me. She made feel like an immoral and crazy dangerous monster during and after the breakup, when in fact she was the monster, the abuser, the scammer. When I decided to really trust her and give it a go, to that relationship or whatever it was, is she had already hooked me she had lost all interest in me. She used me, using my traumatic need for love, for emotional validation and moral support, to seduce me, play with me, hook me and satisfy her own needs and then when she got bored or had more important things to worry about she tried to discard me but I didn't accept the discarding, so she became increasingly abusive and distant and I became more desperate, more obsessive the more she abused me and distanced herself from me, me trying tricks to get emotional validation and moral support, that I desperately needed to find closure for my trauma and rest, in other words, I needed her love so badly, I was addicted to the intense affection and attention that she had given to me when she lovebombed me, to find closure for my social and moral traumas. She devastated me morally, emotionally, this is when I started believing in the "OCD" stuff, blaming it for everything, blaming myself, being in denial, and getting really indoctrinated by psychiatry. I was so desperate trying to understand what had happened, all the chaos of her narcissistic behaviors and the retraumatizating withdrawal, and to have moral support and emotional validation, I was so hurt, so humiliated, but I was so afraid to try to open up myself again in order to obtain those things because she was the last person I tried to open up myself to and she revictimized me, like it happened to me at the hospital with psychiatry, I was rejected again and abused. She never bought the "OCD" thing but she used it to make me look like a crazy, unstable and dangerous person, like a monster, extremely immoral, to breakup with me. When she left me I tried to fix my "Pure O OCD" waiting for her to come back and to fix things, being myself "fixed" and ready for it, but that never happened and I was left with unbearable my emotional and moral injuries, alone, with all the traumatic shame and self-guilt, blaming myself for everything, trying and trying to "fix" myself, what was "wrong" with me. She extremely harmed me emotionally and morally, when I most needed her emotional and moral support, when I finally decided to trust her after showing so much interest in me, nonstop, for months. She made me feel extremely immoral and unsafe with her crazy narcissistic abusive behaviors, very paranoid. She reopened very old and unhealed core emotional and moral wounds and sent me through the dark hole of psychiatry, she is the reason why I got indoctrinated in all its bullsh*t, deeply traumatized by her narcissistic abuse. I always felt that I had lost control over my emotions because there was something wrong with me, reason why I had the strong emotional reactions and "caused" the "relationship" we had and that I desperately needed to go downhill, but now I think that that "relationship" just happened because I was suffering withdrawal, very emotionally overwhelmed and confused since late 2019, as well as drugged since April 2020, reinstating Sertralina just before we met for the first time, so the honeymoon/lovebombing stage of the relationship happened when I was sedated, numbed, high and confused by Sertraline and overwhelmed by the 2019 withdrawal, I was very vulnerable, confused and desperate to feel some kind of relief and she looked like God's sent, even if I took my time to really trust her, then I stopped taking the pills cold turkey in August 2020 and my natural and healthy emotions and feelings came back but they were stronger because of withdrawal "neuroemotions", what actually happened is that I stopped tolerating her bullsh*t and I clearly saw then, undrugged, that she was abusive and had been using me, so I logically became ANGRY, but the issue is that I was still emotionally hooked to her, I needed her too much for my emotional stability, specially during withdrawal, so I kept coming back to her, again, and again, and again, until the breakup happened. She was the one who provoked my emotional reactions with her narcissistic and abusive behaviors, even if they were amplified by withdrawal "neuroemotion" effect. She made the relationship to go downhill, not me, it wasn't my fault, it didn't happen because I lost control over my emotions due to withdrawal like I always thought, I wasn't the one to blame, but her, because she is the true reason why I lost control over my emotions and became so emotionally reactive even if I was emotionally unstable during withdrawal, her extreme narcissism made me even more emotionally unstable and reactive than I already was, she never descalated things, she always escalated them, making everything worse, she never was truly sorry for her behaviors, never really regretted anything. But I believed the opposite, because of her narcissistic abuse, which was devastating, so since January 2021, when the breakup happened, I've been trying to fix myself, being in denial and confused over all this, which is all interconnected to psychiatry and the psychiatric trauma.

[Gonzo]

I always blamed my withdrawal and "Pure O OCD" for that relationship failure, because I needed it to work so badly to find closure for my traumatic needs, but it never helped me to heal to blame myself or my "Pure O OCD" or my withdrawal. It was her abusive behaviors, it was her fault, it's just that when I stopped taking the pills my true emotions and feelings came back but intensified by withdrawal, so naturally and logically I was emotionally unstable and reactive, I was very agitated, anxious, scared, stressed, angry, etc, already, but she made me so emotionally reactive with her narcissistic behaviors, and I didn't tolerate anymore her abusive stuff, if I hadn't been so hooked and desperate for love, so scammed, so vulnerable and confused, I would have ended the relationship at that moment, a month later after stopping the pills, just when the relationship started going downhill, she she showed me her true and disgusting face. The moral damage she inflicted to me was so deep, so horrible, so devastating, so traumatizing.

 

The problem is that after the traumatic breakup of the devastating narcissistic relationship I was just too hurt and emotionally exhausted to continue searching the moral and emotional support that I truly needed and deserved.

 

When I reinstated Sertraline in April 2020 during COVID-19 lockdown I didn't know that I was suffering withdrawal since late 2019, when I stopped taking the pills chaotically, and my withdrawal symptoms relieved a bit. I took the pills again because I didn't like how I was feeling, because I reconnected with all the psychological stuff that lead me to me 2015 postraumatic and moral crisis and I panicked fearing that I could "loose control" "again" (following the psychiatric views), I also unconcioussly feared to be arrested, incarcelated and revictimized again by psychiatry. Anyway, I was in bad shaped mentally and emotionally in April 2020, it's not like reinstating improved things drastically, it gave me some mental and emotional stability tho.

 

I was dominated by my emotional traumatic needs when I met this narcissistic woman and during the relationship, and I was dumbed by Sertraline during the lovebombing phase, vulnerable to her abuse, when she emotionally hooked me.

 

I blamed myself for the failure of the relationship and for all the bad things that happened seeing my "Pure O OCD" as something totally immoral and dangerous, like a demon that I had inside of me that I needed to get rid off, that made her be in danger, and I saw myself as an immoral monster, because that's how she made me feel with her narcissistic abuse.

[Gonzo]

I can see now that Sertraline made me vulnerable to the narcissistic abuse of that woman, I felt in control because I was high, sedated, numbed, dumbed by the drug, when I clearly wasn't, she was a 29 yo woman and I was a 24 yo kid, and the red flags, more or less I saw them for the most part, but I was more or less apathetic towards them, again, them because of the drug. I definitely reconnected with my emotional traumatic needs, moral and postraumatic feelings and emotions, etc, in late 2019, when my withdrawal truly begun, so when I met that narcissistic woman I was already dominated by them and desperate to meet them, to find some emotional relief and to rest from the inner disturbance. I was already vulnerable, in a very bad spot, which was aggravated by the difficulties of the COVID-19 lockdown circumstances. Then my withdrawal resumed in August/September 2020 after stopping Sertraline cold turkey convinced that she would help me with the "rebound effect" that my psychiatrist warned me about and to meet my traumatic and desperate emotional needs. I was already emotionally hooked to her and scammed, but I didn't realize, maybe because I had been drugged the whole time. I thought and felt during all this time that my strong emotional reactions "caused" by my retraumazating withdrawal where the cause of the failure of the relationship, but that simply wasn't true. My strong emotional reactions where caused by me coming back to my senses after months being drugged and her narcissistic, careless and abusive behaviors that I stopped tolerating when I stopped being drugged. She caused my strong emotional reactions, and, if anything, they were amplified by the withdrawal "neuroemotion" effect. The problem is that by that time I was too emotionally hooked to her and scammed, I needed the lovebombing drug she gave me during the honeymoon stage of the relationship, all her infatuating intensity, affection, attention, to keep my mental and emotional stability and wellbeing, specially during the mental and emotional chaos of withdrawal, I thought I had all those things for granted, she convinced me of that, but by then, just when I decided to finally trust her and stop taking the pills, she wanted to discard me, she had won the seduction game and I stopped being useful to her. She just had used me, exploiting my emotional traumatic needs and desperation for months, to play with me, manipulate me, seduce me and emotional hook me, to satisfy her own needs, and I got trauma bonded to her, and once she got what she needed from me she wanted to discard me, until she finally did, making me feel like an immoral, crazy and dangerous monster. She hurt me where she could cause the biggest amount of damage. So it was her. She caused all this. Sertraline just made things easier for her, and the withdrawal and its effects was something unknown and unexpected for both of us.

 

It was Sertraline and withdrawal, i.e. psychiatry, what made me vulnerable to her narcissistic abuse, now I know.

 

Never I was broken, ill, disordered, abnormal, crazy, it always was just moral damage, social/relational trauma, a massive amount of it, from different sources, all my life.

 

What I never realized is that when I resumed Sertraline in April 2020 I was already suffering withdrawal, so between April and August 2020 my withdrawal symptoms got relieved at some level but I was still in withdrawal, so when I stopped the pills cold turkey again in August 2020 the withdrawal striked again but this time at full power, like if it was two withdrawals combined, the previous and by then less intense late 2019 one and this full powered August 2020 one, it really was hell let loose, very crazy.

[Gonzo]

I feel like I finally have my stuff together but my soul is exhausted, my spirit and moral is depleted, of so much fight and resistance alone for so many years, I lack the will even if I still try. I need to recover my strength, to keep fighting.

 

I isolated myself to "fix" my "immorality", but I didn't know.

 

It always has been a moral and social fight.

[Gonzo]

I felt the need to "fix" my "Pure O OCD" because I had been emotionally abused (narcissistic abuse) and I felt responsible for the failure of that (narcissistic) relationship. This "Pure O OCD is the responsible of the 'bad' things that I did (there is something wrong in me, I'm a crazy and dangerous person)" (psychiatric) victim/self-blaming idea is and was the toxic seed that psychiatry implanted in my mind, and it finally germinated during this abusive relationship, and she reinforced it with her narcissistic abuse. And this is how I got really indoctrinated by psychiatry, once I started believing in my "Pure O OCD" "diagnosis", that actually was and is just my psychiatrist opinion when he saw me at the hospital, a way to say that I became crazy overthinking when I was 19-20, so it is pure gaslighting and denial of my experiences and real problems. Because I blamed myself for the failure of that relationship, a relationship that I really needed it to work to satisfy my traumatic needs, I was in denial, I couldn't accept her horrible abuse and scam, and I couldn't understand it either being overwhelmed and confused by said abuse and withdrawal at the same time. Being in denial and feeling that I am a crazy person never helped me to recover, and psychiatry helped me to be in denial, because that's what my psychiatric "diagnosis" always has been, a diagnosis of denial and madness. I really hoped that she would come back and speak to me again, I needed it, obssesively, desperately, to satisfy my excruciating traumatic emotional needs that became crazy intense during the August 2020 withdrawal and during and after her narcissistic emotional abuse. Those "neuroemotions" were waves of all my chemically suppressed and psychologically reppressed postraumatic and moral feelings, emotions and sensations coming back intensified by the withdrawal effect. I remembered my "Pure O OCD" "diagnosis" in December 2020/January 2021 trying to understand what the hell was happening and I used it desperately, as a last resource, to exculpate her from her responsability of being an abusive person and to explain my "emotional chaos" and "erratic behaviors" since August 2020 and save the relationship or me from suffering another more relational/moral trauma. I was basically blaming my "madness" for what happened, for the failure of the relationship, not her, not me, but my "Pure O OCD" "madness", the "madness" that psychiatry said that I had years back during my involuntarily hospitalization. I was denying the (painful) reality, rejecting it, gaslighting myself, like psychiatry did with me. She didn't buy it and didn't care because she was an abusive and careless person and never gave a damn about me, in fact, she used my "madness" to break with me and make me look like a crazy, dangerous and immoral person very close to commiting a crime, she used all these lies to inflict me a devastating moral/emotional wound and knock me out, but because I was so confused, overwhelmed and desperate to save the relationship or just end things in a non traumatic way for me and I needed her so much for my mental and emotional wellbeing and stability, being emotionally hooked to her, I believed what she said, and I felt like a crazy, dangerous and immoral person that had been very close to commiting a crime. I felt like a monster. But she was the true monster, not me. But she. She was the abusive, careless and manipulative person, the scammer, the narcissist. But I didn't believe it, because I valuated her, and needed her too much. So I blamed myself for everything, for her abuse, for the way she made me react to her abuse, (i.e. reactive abuse, when I stopped taking Sertraline, amplified by withdrawal "neuroemotion" effect, and I was extra confused because after too many years drugged I believed that my real self was my drugged self, so the intensity of my true emotions, feelings and reactions surprised me, they looked alien to me), for the failure of the relationship, in the hope of fixing everything and satisfying my traumatic emotional needs, to find closure and find some emotional relief for the excruciating inner disturbance that withdrawal and her own abuse brought me back. And being in denial of the trauma she inflicted to me, running away from the pain, I obsessed with fixing my "Pure O OCD" and whatever that was "wrong with me", and that's how I got deeply indoctrinated by psychiatry, delaying my withdrawal recovery many years, psychiatry made easy for me to be in denial, it already denied my real life problems and reality a few years back, so I was already very hurt. She betrayed me, and left me alone, she abandoned me.

 

I always have felt immoral, much before psychiatry, but I never could put a name to those indiscrimitate feelings, emotions and sensations, that's what I wanted to understand when I was 19, why so, to fix it, to not feel immoral ever again, and to be able to finally enjoy life.

[Gonzo]

I obsessed with her the same way I obsessed trying to "fix" my "Pure O OCD" and what was "wrong" with me, because I had traumatic, emotional, excruciating needs that I needed to meet desperately, as soon as possible.

 

These immoral feelings, emotions and sensations seemed disconnected to the circumstances that I experienced, they were always there, no matter how, when, where, that's why I say they were and are indiscrimitate.

 

I guess I just wanted to feel a "normal" and valid person.

[Gonzo]

I realize now how confused, distressed and overwhelmed I was in 2020, even before COVID-19 lockdown and that narcissistic relationship. The reason is clear, I was suffering withdrawal since late 2019, when I stopped Sertraline in the worst possible way. Also, at the end of 2019 something happened, I had a friend, I had a crush on her, but she had issues, was abusive, and already had a boyfriend, I've been trying to have a relationship or a romance with her since 2017, without success, during all that time I had been drugged as well. The thing is, she was taking injections of an AP, and by the end of 2019 she didn't take it anymore she told me, I'm pretty sure she was in withdrawal, she was suffering intense emotions, but I was also angry and frustrated with her by that time, I was dominated by my traumatic emotional needs and I also stopped taking Sertraline in that awful manner so, our friendship ended, badly, in December 2019 or at the start of 2020, she hurt me emotionally and morally, I was very sensitive and vulnerable because of withdrawal. So with these moral and emotional injuries and during the craziness of COVID-19 lockdown, suffering an unknown to me back then withdrawal since 2019, I resumed Sertraline in April 2020 and almost at the same time I met this other narcissistic woman, that pushed and violated my personal boundaries while I was drugged and extremely vulnerable without me realizing what the hell was happening. My mind just got overwhelmed by all these events, by the intensity of my emotions and feelings and it couldn't make sense of anything. For the past 4+ years I've been living in a more or less intense chronic fight-flight reaction, specially since September 2020. My mind is disordered by all of this and can't rest it never stops trying to find the meaning behind all this, to organize the experiences. I just couldn't understand my feelings, sensations, emotions and reactions, my inner experiences, until very recently. All this has been crazy, I suffered so much during the past 4+ years, and I just didn't understand why, I just couldn't. The narcissistic relationship, the retraumatizing withdrawal, past traumas and the psychiatric trauma, I was disconnected from the psychiatric trauma, in fact I'm still scared of being arrested and locked down and victimized by psychiatry again like I was in early 2017. I blamed myself for everything and I felt so, so immoral.

[Gonzo]

I learned that you can't ever feel safe and relax if you feel immoral, you carry the danger, all the time, anywhere.

 

At the hospital, the month I spent there, my soul was depleted, my spirit exhausted, that inner fire was gone, because of the unsuccesful and massive effort I did in order to obtain the external emotional validation and moral support and overcome my emotional problem and my moral and postraumatic crisis. Since then, when I was sabotaged, mentally exhausted and morally depleted by psychiatry, I've been drugged and chemically deceived by Sertraline, in withdrawal, and just gone. I haven't been able to recover who I was yet, the person that I truly am. 

 

One thing is for sure, even if I haven't recovered yet, I started really doing it once I got out of the psychiatric sick mindset, i.e. when I started challenging the psychiatric hopeless, meaningless and powerless toxic and nihilistic meaning framework. Otherwise it would be impossible.

 

My mind is still trapped in the same mental and emotional state that I was in 2015, 2016 and 2017, before the psychiatric intervention, because I never overcame my trauma, moral and emotional problem and my postraumatic and moral crisis, I just disconnected, chemically with Sertraline, and psychologically, completely exhausted mentally, emotionally and morally and deeply traumatized by the psychiatric intervention.

 

I really wasn't aware of the passing of time while I was drugged and during the worst years of withdrawal, I felt like I had all the time in the world and that I was gonna be young forever, those were chemically twisted perceptions.

 

Psychiatry, Sertraline, withdrawal and that woman's narcissistic abuse disordered and confused my mind so much, it has been absolutely overwhelming and insane. Those "neuroemotions" are emotions and feelings that were reppressed chemically and/or psychologically from the past and/or present, but that the withdrawal chaos bring back to the present time reality stronger than ever, emotions and feelings that people normally have control over, but the withdrawal make them be so intense and overwhelming that they become impossible to control or regulate and they come and go in so called "waves".

 

This narcissistic woman, during my August 2020 withdrawal, reopened the devastating moral and emotional injuries that psychiatry inflicted to me and that I hadn't healed, in fact, I was disconnected from them, chemically and psychologically, so I didn't even know that they existed back then. I was just so incredibly confused by all my overwhelming and excruciating feelings and emotions, by my crazy making inner experiences and by the multiple deceptions that I had been experiencing, that woman, Sertraline and psychiatry all deceived me, and all those three deceptions came together at the same time during the August 2020 retraumazating withdrawal.

[Gonzo]

My unresolved postraumatic and moral crisis resumed both in late 2019 and August 2020 when I stopped taking the pills, and during both times I had social conflicts, which is not good for withdrawal.

 

Back in 2015 what I wanted was to stop loosing years of my life, just what psychiatry did.

[KaiLee]

I can hear you Gonzo, and your pain should not be neglected, especially by yourself.

[Gonzo]

Thanks @KaiLee, these last few days have been very painful days, I've been having lots of painful realizations but essential insights.

[Gonzo]

The problem is that my moral fight and internal-external conflict never ended, in fact, psychiatry aggravated it with its poisonous intervention, but chemically deceived by Sertraline I thought it did when in reality I just disconnected from it.

[Gonzo]

I think I'm getting closer and closer to the core of my emotional and moral issues and traumas, what lead me through this painful path. I had to do all this by myself mostly because the vast majority of the MH industry/system is not prepared to help traumatized people like me to recover, that is because is not trauma informed but completely into the psychiatric toxic pathologizing model of mental health, which not being trauma informed there is no logical meaning to be found in my painful and difficult experiences, they're all just "symptoms" of mental "illness/conditions/disorders", i.e. bad, abnormal, immoral, wrong, dangerous, illogical, illegitimate, etc. So those MH "experts" can't give me the moral support and external emotional validation that I need to heal emotionally, they just don't know how emotional trauma is healed. Only a handful of people that I found during 2023 that are into antipsychiatry stuff have been really offering me moral support and external emotional validation for all this pain, and of course this awesome website that has allowed me to tell my story and find support as well.

 

Like I said, Sertraline made me feel, believe and think that my inner moral fight and internal-external conflict with my relational environment was finally over when I was actually just drugged, confused, chemically disconnected, deceived and mentally and emotionally suppressed, suffering medical spellbinding, but it made me lower down my guard nonetheless, immersed in a fake synthetic Lalaland reality, sedated, high, calmed by the drug not by my circumstances, when I needed to keep fighting to get what I deserved and desperately needed, to find peace.

[Gonzo]

I think my "inmoral" feelings and emotions are basically unprocessed complex relational/social trauma coming from multiple sources along my life, and I've been connecting them, the "inmoral" psych pain and trauma with all my "dysfuntional" (as psychiatry calls them despectively) coping strategies, including my OC behaviors that psychiatry pathologized and stigmatized, that are actually ways that I developed to prevent getting in contact with all that pain, to relieve it, to avoid being hurt and revictimized and to control the painful feelings and emotions, they're obviously connected to my life experiences and they're logical, understandable, useful and meaningful, I developed them and use them lacking the social and moral support and external emotional validation that I needed to feel safe, to feel better, so they're individualistic and desperate coping strategies that I had to resort in my personal circumstances, that doesn't mean that they're not problematic but they're not immoral, illogical, useless, meaningless, like psychiatry says, they're social protection behaviors. **** psychiatry. I always felt immoral and always have been terrified of feeling immoral, because it's pure psych pain, and psychiatry with the insane way it treated me made me feel even more immoral when I was arrested and locked down in that psychiatric ward and needed the most to be morally supported being in a critical point of my life.

 

Psychiatry disordered the puzzle of my life so brutally when I was a 20 yo kid and I had it almost completed, I just needed a little push of moral support to unlock myself, my mind and my true potential from all the tyrannical trauma of my life and all my insane morals, it misleaded and confused me so much, it was beyond cruel.

 

My psychiatrist at the hospital hated my "abnormality", he hated me for being a "dysfuntional" person, that's what they're trained to do, and suppressed me with his all power, psychologically and chemically, he was tyrant.

 

I know that 8+ /7 years ago I was deeply traumatized, overwhelmed and hijacked by all these postraumatic and "immoral" feelings and emotions, so I was confused and had a very hard time making sense of my experiences, but that doesn't mean that I was crazy, that my actions were illogical, that I was broken beyond repair and forever mad and that I needed to take "medication" to control my "crazy" mind for the rest of my life, that I needed to be permanently drugged, as psychiatry said, it means that I needed a huge load of moral and emotional support, but they never understood that and never understood me, they hated my "dysfunctionality", they hated me and wanted to suppress me, to change me, to "fix" me, not to morally support me like I needed and deserved, because I never commited a crime and I was treated as a criminal, stigmatized and oppressed, labelled as an abnormal and immoral person. They're just lunatics, those MH "experts".

 

What the MH system/industry achieved with me was to made chronic my reactions and postraumatic and moral crisis, so that recovery for me was just impossible while I was institutionalized, trapped with their mad "treatments".

 

 

[Gonzo]

The vast majority of the MH "experts" don't even know how to properly identify psychological trauma and much less how to morally support people, that's why the MH system/industry was not only useless for me, but harmful, because they don't know how to morally support people, they just know about suppress people and pathologize.

[Gonzo]

I need to recover my spirit, it has been depleted since 2017, and what was left of it scattered in 2020-2021, during an after that narcissistic relationship.

 

I just remembered how and why I stopped taking Sertraline cold turkey and going through this dark hole of the past 3+ years. This emotionally abusive and narcissistic woman had played with me, manipulating and seducing me using my traumatic emotional needs, that she clearly saw, she lovebombed me, which means that she gave me lots of attention and affection when I most needed them, desperately in fact, to emotionally hook and exploiting me emotionally. By the time we were hanging out, during the summer of 2020, I was in a rough spot, suffering the (unknown to me back then) 2019 withdrawal and the emotional injuries that my ex friend and crush inflicted to me during late 2019/early 2020, I was also drugged again (reinstated Sertraline in April 2020, just when we started talking again), so my withdrawal symptoms were reduced but not gone, it was also COVID-19 lockdown so I was stressed after so many months at home with my dysfuntional family and the whole COVID-19 situation. Because of the 2019 withdrawal I reconnected with my moral and postraumatic crisis and traumatic emotional needs, they were very intense but not completely overwhelming, even so, they were powerful and dominated my needs. She saw these powerful and desperate emotional needs of mine, and she used them the get what she needed from me, she knew what buttons she had to push to make me lower down my guard and get over my personal boundaries in that vulnerable mental and emotional state, how to give me the attention and affection that I desperately needed, that I craved without even realizing it, and she did, very intensively. As I said, I was distressed by the past recent events of my life but also confused, deceived and vulnerable because of Sertraline and the (softened) 2019 withdrawal "neuroemotions". She gained my trust, so at the end of August 2020 I decided to trust her, because she made me feel, think and belief that I had her emotional and moral support, and because of expectations of good sex (I couldn't really enjoy it because of Sertraline sexual side effects). In reality, she had scammed me, deceived me, just like Sertraline had been doing without me realizing it, making me feel in control when I wasn't. She never really cared about me, but I thought she did, because of her lovebombing. That lovebombing ended precisely when I decided to stop taking Sertraline cold turkey, even before everything started going downhill, and she started behaving colder, being more distant with me without explaining me why. She confused me. This was the moment she had lost all interest in me and was trying to discard me silently, so I lost all her emotional "support", the infatuating lovebombing was over and I was left completely unsupported in withdrawal. Her lovebombing mask fell off and the discarding traumatic phase had begun, but I was still trauma bonded and emotionally hooked to her, I couldn't let her go and just accept the scam, even if it became evident when I stopped taking Sertraline and I was no longer drugged and dumbed. I needed her too much, for my emotional and mental stability, to find closure for my moral and relational trauma, to deal with my emotional issues, I needed her lovebombing drug and mask. That's the thing, she scammed me and emotionally hooked/trauma bonded me with her lovebombing mask and drug when I was very emotionally vulnerable. I stopped Sertraline cold turkey like that and suffered so much because of her narcissistic abuse. All this time I have been blaming myself, withdrawal, psychiatry and my "Pure O OCD" for everything, being in denial of her horrible narcissistic abuse and the emotional trauma that she inflicted to me. But it was her. All this happened because of her. Psychiatry made me very vulnerable, with its own abuse and lies, but she was the one who inflicted me all this excruciating psych pain. The infatuating lovebombing drug and emotional "support" was gone when I quit Sertraline, when I quit Sertraline cold turkey precisely because I thought I would have that emotional "support" to go through the "rebound effect" that my psychiatrist warned me about. She betrayed me, she abandoned me, she left me alone, unsupported, and craving that lovebombing emotional drug, it was so intense and infatuating, that narcissistic drug of hers, that she gave, the thing that made me stop taking Sertraline as soon as possible, replacing the mental and emotional fake stability that it privided me with with the emotional and mental stability of her overwhelming affection and attention. At the end, I was left alone, scammed, abused, oppressed, confused, with my postraumatic and moral crisis resumed, feeling again all my unprocessed and forgotten relational and moral trauma, and with my overwhelmingly intense postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions, that she escalated with her narcissistic abuse. Not only she didn't supported and helped me, as she had promised me and insisted me for months, she aggravated all my emotional issues and trauma. She was the worst possible person to go through withdrawal.

[Gonzo]

The infatuating lovebombing drug and emotional "support" that she gave me during the honeymoon stage of the "relationship" was gone the moment I quit Sertraline, when I quit Sertraline cold turkey precisely because I thought I would have that emotional (lovebombing) "support" to go through the "rebound effect" that my psychiatrist warned me about. That was the moment she had won the seduction game and then it became boring for her, she lost interest in me. It was when the discarding phase started and her amazing lovebombing mask fell of, showing the ugly person that she really was. I was left trauma bonded and emotionally hooked to her, still needing her for my mental and emotional wellbeing, "in love", spellbounded by this ******* amazing drug of hers. She made me go through the 2020 withdrawal, because she made me false promises and created false expectations in me with her lovebombing deception. It was her fault.

 

That's why I quit Sertraline cold turkey in 2020, I was deceived and infatuated by her amazing lovebombing drug while I was dumbed, deceived, confused, sedated and high by Sertraline, feeling in control, much more than I really was, and at the same time I was still overwhelmed by my 2019 withdrawal and dominated by the desperate traumatic emotional needs that it brought back. I was replacing one drug for another one, by her drug. I quit in that context, while I was suffering her narcissistic abuse, being vulnerable to revictimization because of psychiatry, Sertraline and withdrawal.

 

She was an irresponsible, selfish and careless person. It was her. She ***** up my life for the past 3+ years, since she started playing with me. Sertraline, psychiatry, withdrawal, all those were contributing factors but the biggest one was her and I couldn't accept her fault, her abuse and scam because I desperately needed her and her lovebombing drug to regulate my overwhelming postraumatic and moral feelings and emotions that withdrawal brought back in 2019 and specially since August 2020, I was too dependant of her, just like she pretended. So I blamed myself, my "Pure O OCD", psychiatry, and anything else but her, the responsible one.

[Gonzo]

I really saw that relationship as a golden oportunity to meet my traumatic emotional needs and find closure for my (moral and relational) trauma, to be able to move foward in my life once for all, and it was a critical point in my life, because I was very exhausted due to the 2019 withdrawal and all the unprocessed trauma that I had. I really needed it to work out, and I tried, until the very end, but it didn't, and she sent me down through this awful path, just like psychiatry did, I was victimized again, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood, morally injuried.

 

The failure of that relationship was her responsability.

 

She reconnected my traumatic past/past unprocessed traumas with my present and made me feel like an awful, immoral, dangerous, out of control monster, she humiliated me, again, just like psychiatry did a few years back before she did, they both made me feel like the danger was inside of me, like if I had been possesed by a demonic, very powerful force that made me act like that, and I begun to fear myself, what I had "inside" of me, fearing that somehow I could loose control again and behave "crazy" like "I did" back then, like an "immoral person", like a immoral monster, and hurt "innocent" people. They made me feel unsafe in my own skin.

 

I never lost control and became "crazy" like she and psychiatry both said, even if I was overwhelmed by withdrawal and my postraumatic and moral crisis. I was just oppressed and victimized, chaining multiple traumas.

[Gonzo]

I need to recover my spirit, my will, my own moral system and my dignity, all what was taken from me, immorally.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

I need to recover my spirit, my will, my own moral syste and my dignity, all what was taken from 

Edited March 27 by Quittingquentiapin
Klick

[Gonzo]

Hmm. Okay? I don't know why you keep coming back to my thread to be honest. If you don't like what I post just unsuscribe to it and let me alone.🤦🏻

[Gonzo]

Anyway...

 

My core emotional "issues" are these excruciating postraumatic feelings, sensations and emotions of being immoral. Since I was 19, during the summer of 2015, when I realized that they were a constant in my life, indiscrimitate, that they always have been there, no matter how, when, or where, I've been trying to understand why they're there, their origin, and to control them, obsessing with them and creating inner resistance in the process so they became a chronic part of my consciousness, always monitoring them. I felt that I needed to control them to move foward in my life with no more psychological obstacles, to have an enduring and real mental and emotional stability in my life, and to be able to live it fully. I guess I felt them as some kind of inner danger, like being possesed by an evil force, feeling them like alien. All I needed was emotional and moral support but no one ever understood my struggles and did that. So I've been always alone to do so, without true help.

 

With the psychiatric intervention, the psychiatric trauma, the psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, the "OCD" bullsh*t, Sertraline use and its retraumatizing withdrawal, when the chemical deception and medical spellbinding came to an end, that devastating 2020 narcissistic relationship and my dysfuntional family abusive behaviors I forgot all this, being completely overwhelmed.

 

This was never about fixing anything actually, that's the toxic idea of psychiatry, that implanted in my mind. This always has been about finding meaning behind these awful inner experiences, the pain of my traumatic life events and getting moral and emotional support, about human connection, that's what I needed and tried to.

 

I obsessed with the question "why do I feel immoral?", lacking moral and emotional support. The answer is because of the relational trauma that I experienced in my life, because of the what happened to me in my life, not because there is something intrinsecally wrong, immoral with me, abnormal, etc, not because I'm actually immoral, but because they made me feel this way, multiple people along my life, that's precisely why I desperately needed emotional and moral support, to heal my relational traumas, and I tried to find it even when I was locked down at the hospital with those insane MH "experts".

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

Anyway...

 

My core emotional "issues" are these excruciating postraumatic feelings, sensations and emotions of being immoral. Since I was 19, during the summer of 2015, when I realized that they were a constant in my life, indiscrimitate, that they always have been there, no matter how, when, or where, I've been trying to understand why they're there, their origin, and to control them, obsessing with them and creating inner resistance in the process so they became a chronic part of my consciousness, always monitoring them. I felt that I needed to control them to move foward in my life with no more psychological obstacles, to have an enduring and real mental and emotional stability in my life, and to be able to live it fully. I guess I felt them as some kind of inner danger, like being possesed by an evil force, feeling them like alien. All I needed was emotional and moral support but no one ever understood my struggles and did that. So I've been always alone to do so, without true help.

 

With the psychiatric intervention, the psychiatric trauma, the psychiatric indoctrination/brainwashing, the "OCD" bullsh*t, Sertraline use and its retraumatizing withdrawal, when the chemical deception and medical spellbinding came to an end, that devastating 2020 narcissistic relationship and my dysfuntional family abusive behaviors I forgot all this, being completely overwhelmed.

 

This was never about fixing anything actually, that's the toxic idea of psychiatry, that implanted in my mind. This always has been about finding meaning behind these awful inner experiences, the pain of my traumatic life events and getting moral and emotional support, about human connection, that's what I needed and tried to.

 

I obsessed with the question "why do I feel immoral?", lacking moral and emotional support. The answer is because of the relational trauma that I experienced in my life, because of the what happened to me in my life, not because there is something intrinsecally wrong, immoral with me, abnormal, etc, not because I'm actually immoral, but because they made me feel this way, multiple people along my life, that's precisely why I desperately needed emotional and moral support, to heal my relational traumas, and I tried to find it even when I was locked down at the hospital with those insane MH "experts".

Anyway ? Klik, @Emonda do you know now what I mean! 
 

@Gonzogo to hell!