BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

5 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerI know that feeling of hopelessness, it drags you down for sure. I am at an all-time low at the moment, we just need a glimmer of hope to get us through. Have you tried tagging a moderator? It's very comforting to have their input although you do pretty good at self analysing and you always send a positive note to others. Perhaps you need a little helping hand too.🙏😊

The moderator that was there for me is getofflex, but she had a little break, then she caught a cold and I remember she has "please don't tag me except urgent taper questions" in her signature, so that's why I don't. Mods probably really mostly help with tapering and maybe when someone doesn't get any reply for too long, then they provide links to topics about coping strategies. I don't blame them, they're likely busy since the mods to members ratio could have been better. That's why there are registrations limits. Even right now I got some very uncomfortable feeling inside. Almost like nausea got interpreted as whole system breakdown, but ultimately no one can take that experience from me. That's not just the biased neuroemotion. That's the message that literally hurts. When family is sitting in front of the table, I call anyone and tell them whatever. Panic compulsion. But no one can get inside me and save me from experiencing all that. Laughing, standing up, everything worsens symptoms. Some literally feel like dying and I almost wish that's how it ended, so I don't have to go through it again. I remember getofflex told me that in face of such unbearable internal suffering I should keep telling myself to get to another hour. Over and over again until it's over. No remedy. I can replay that memory in two dimensions: factual being there with my guests, watching TV and texting my friend but also what I was experiencing inside. Very long hours. No point in grieving so long though. I know soon all the tension will ease and the window will come, but I'm worried about the future Tom. What if he's there, somewhere in May or June facing it again? What should I do now so he doesn't suffer so much then? I guess this is me clinging to current mood too much. I almost forgot I have to keep blasting positivity on myself, ease the panic and it will still be hard. After an attack, there's still a wave left. After a wave, there's still a window which is yet not asymptomatic. We want relief so badly in the moment, yet it is the most unhelpful approach. Thank you for being there, I wish I could see these hours as just a mere little part of recovery that eventually ends with me feeling myself.

[Sonia009]

25 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

The moderator that was there for me is getofflex, but she had a little break, then she caught a cold and I remember she has "please don't tag me except urgent taper questions" in her signature, so that's why I don't. Mods probably really mostly help with tapering and maybe when someone doesn't get any reply for too long, then they provide links to topics about coping strategies. I don't blame them, they're likely busy since the mods to members ratio could have been better. That's why there are registrations limits. Even right now I got some very uncomfortable feeling inside. Almost like nausea got interpreted as whole system breakdown, but ultimately no one can take that experience from me. That's not just the biased neuroemotion. That's the message that literally hurts. When family is sitting in front of the table, I call anyone and tell them whatever. Panic compulsion. But no one can get inside me and save me from experiencing all that. Laughing, standing up, everything worsens symptoms. Some literally feel like dying and I almost wish that's how it ended, so I don't have to go through it again. I remember getofflex told me that in face of such unbearable internal suffering I should keep telling myself to get to another hour. Over and over again until it's over. No remedy. I can replay that memory in two dimensions: factual being there with my guests, watching TV and texting my friend but also what I was experiencing inside. Very long hours. No point in grieving so long though. I know soon all the tension will ease and the window will come, but I'm worried about the future Tom. What if he's there, somewhere in May or June facing it again? What should I do now so he doesn't suffer so much then? I guess this is me clinging to current mood too much. I almost forgot I have to keep blasting positivity on myself, ease the panic and it will still be hard. After an attack, there's still a wave left. After a wave, there's still a window which is yet not asymptomatic. We want relief so badly in the moment, yet it is the most unhelpful approach. Thank you for being there, I wish I could see these hours as just a mere little part of recovery that eventually ends with me feeling myself.

@BaccatePlayerYou're going through a bad patch but you will bounce back, you've felt this way before and yet, at the same time, you've helped others here sending them positive vibes. Maybe that actually helps you knowing you are helping others. Many people here have benefited from your advice including me. Try not to ruminate, use distraction if you can, there are better days ahead for you, could even be tomorrow.🙏😊

[mariamisery]

So sorry you are not doing well.  So many look to you for comfort and help. I hope you will be well again soon. You mean so much to many!!!

[BaccatePlayer]

9 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

I have not been posting. Trying to be strong.  Hope all of you will be better soon. Struggling today. I was getting more breaks from the  awful symptoms but lately they just keep on giving. Distracting is not working. Remind me again, what do you say to yourself to keep pushing and fighting?  Feel so isolated in this situation.  Healing and hope to you all.

There was a time when I wasn't posting... and sadly it wasn't because I was feeling better. To be fair gazing at others posting while staying silent felt very alienating. Hour by hour and I fail to even notice when I forget some crucial messages like "it won't be like that all the time". The issue with this is that the forum doesn't disappear from my mind, I just try to repress the need for complaining. Ironically this makes it stronger and I just starve myself. That's why I got back to posting more often. I used to approach all this as learning to let go of desperation and giving in to false needs. However, our CNS have less tolerance for stress, so honestly less stressors is better. I'm reframing it now so that it's a compromise that makes sense: "Let's fight desperation in the critical moments inside, so we don't panic, but let's not put on challenges where we don't have to since we will have enough of them anyways". I really start to think less restrictions works better because thinking about controling it all tenses everything and the fight or flight mode intensifies. Also, there's already so much blood in the brain causing excess adrenaline, so the less we have to do it on our own, the better.

 

Forgiveness and letting go is what heals trauma. I still have the urge to go back, understand, react better, save me three days younger self from suffering... but I can't change that. Even moreso, I won't react drastically different now or in the future. The same applies to you. If adverse reactions are meant to be more linear, yet I had the worst wave now, then imagine how unpredictable it is for classic withdrawal. We can never understand this, everyone is different. Also, it's not the best time to think about it. Reducing stress frees the brain and it can deal with symptoms better. Sometimes it's just a symptom that bothers you more and you interpret the wave as more intense, sometimes menstrual cycle messes with hormones and the wave gets harsher, sometimes you just face a wave and simultaneously the atmospheric pressure drops significantly adding to your burden. If distractions don't work, you may want to work on internal panic first. Panicking mind really does everything not to focus on anything else than your suffering. If it still doesn't work, give it more time to start working. Sense of isolation should also be addressed as soon as possible. This is insane fuel for depersonalization and similair symptoms.

 

I'm gonna address your main concerns:

 

• "What do you tell yourself to get through the day?" - Nothing. I'm not really fighting nor pushing anything. My body survives regardless. If a day is incredibly unbearable, it's even better not to get into a monologue with yourself. These thoughts you have during waves are not helpful by default, so I do either of those two: silencing my own mind so it stops rumminating or absorbing the outside. Bringing awareness to the inside is the spiral I don't want to start. I was shopping when internal doom was haunting me. Telling myself that it will pass, that it's harmless, that I'm not crazy - that's still rumminating. That's isolating me from the outside. I already know this by heart, so I'm not unmotivated, I'm just in pain. My main interest is to make it pass quickest and with least awareness of the symptoms then. Looking for answers inside is a terrible idea from my experience. Communicating with others about my feelings is what I feel breaks the most panic and DP/DR.

 

• "How long have you been on this journey?" - Starting fifth month today.

 

• "How does it feel when you recover?" - You simply get better, start having waves less often, they're shorter, less intense, the windows feel more at home (likely due to panic levels dropping, body untensing and depersonalization or intrusive thoughts easing) and one day you just realize the next wave never comes. That's what general topics state. I know you'd rather read a full breakdown from someone who is similairly descriptive as me and already recovered where they visualize step by step how to notice breathing issues went away, but you won't miss the milestones when it starts getting better for sure. I suspect you already surfed through recovery stories digging for answers, so if that brings you comfort, here's my tip: look for active topics with a sun symbol before username. They signify users whose recovery is already hopeful and promising since they got back to functioning with only some occassional waves or symptoms. They'll also likely respond to you more likely than someone who posted success story and didn't visit forum for years already.

 

• "How are your waves/windows?" - Windows are slight proneness to panic, some % of DP/DR and some minor symptoms flowing throughout the day. Waves start with a warning, a slowdown of thinking, tense stomach, agitation and rumminations taking over causing DP/DR to feel incredibly bad. Next day, usually peak breaks me down, twisting the narrative into helpless surrender. Next day, a mental battle, terrible mood out of this world, almost like managing myself without feeling any connection. Everything feels like going too fast, too agitated, intrusive thoughts keep blasting for the whole day, mini-breakdowns with some momentary internal doom, trap or suffering. It keeps getting better until I feel sudden release. Sometimes if I'm in especially favorable circumstances I even exit wave feeling huge outburst of endorphins at random point because something gets unlocked. The days after snapping into despair I need heavy distractions, blasting myself with real world, talking to others, reminding myself that there are other topics and forcing the narrative that the real world is right and not what has been produced inside. Currently waves and windows last pretty much the same length with it being 4-5 days.

 

• "Do you get it often?" - During a wave, I get symptoms every hour or so and they respond to simple reassurance ceasing after few minutes or even seconds. During a wave symptoms persist for the whole time. They get better after reaching peak, but they still make mornings barely bearable.

 

• You often ask how to understand the waves. I think they're times of increased vulnerability. You may even spend a whole wave in a panic or depersonalization state without ever getting a clue that this is what's happening. If you're getting intrusive thoughts and these thoughts trigger excessive worsening of your mood instantly, then your CNS is in the panic attack mode, narrowing down your thoughts to only register danger. Extreme survival thinking, interpreting your symptoms like they were more serious, longer and more exaggregated than they really are. The actual mind is not in the panic mode, so this miscommunication makes you easily miss that possibility. I often talk about slowdown of the system which is again a way your body sets iself to face danger. Breathing issues are another telling sign that you are too stimulated in your alarming system. Too much adrenaline can cause any symptom. You can feel like brain fog and emotional pain closes you to experiencing real life, like your body stops engaging in your surrounding. This is all being too much in hyperalerted state and scanning for danger. Why would your brain stubbornly focus on symptoms? Because if you were facing real threat, noticing wounds and cuts would be more important for survival. That's natural, that's why your system tries to ignore everything around until it feels safe. You continue sending the right message to your system, that everything is secure and just accept its reactions. With time it will desensetize.

 

Sometimes knowledge kills the doubts, so maybe let's break down the symptoms: 

-Headaches/migraines = tensed body from constant anxiety or panic mode. This holds true for headband sensation or any chronic topical head gripping feeling. Brain burning also counts as it's a sign there's a lot of blood constantly delievered your brain (just like any muscle will get hot if you keep using it).
-Neck stiffness = tensed body from constant anxiety or panic mode. Related to other ones.
-Digestion slowdown = tensed stomach from constant anxiety or panic mode. The fight or flight response covers every part of digestive system.
-Breathing/swallowing issues = panic and preparing for fight or flight response 
-Heart palpitations = anxiety and preparing for fight or flight response
-Feeling dizzy, weak, tired = lacking oxygen or blood in some brain areas
-Menthol chest = anxiety causes adrenaline raise which may present itself as feelings of frosting cool around heart area, especially when you take stronger breaths
-Abdomen/legs/arms/back/neck/gonads/sphincter burning = overreacting to various blood flow or serotonin release

-Painful feelings = mind stuck in extreme survival mode interpreting any message as eternal danger

-Unidentified uncomfortable feelings that make us miserable = brain activates a certain mood or emotion but lacking enough neurons the signal gets misinterpreted as something wierd and bothering

-Impending doom = panic

-Feeling like losing mind or lost = panic and confusion

-Brain fog = DP/DR or overstimulation

-Feeling the need for daily encouragement, believing mantras not clicking = panic fixation, rumminations on catastrophic messages and mood disturbances.

 

 

Thank you for being there for us, hope you find relief soon too!

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerYou're going through a bad patch but you will bounce back, you've felt this way before and yet, at the same time, you've helped others here sending them positive vibes. Maybe that actually helps you knowing you are helping others. Many people here have benefited from your advice including me. Try not to ruminate, use distraction if you can, there are better days ahead for you, could even be tomorrow.🙏😊

You're right, how can I let three days determine how I view the whole four months... I got suck in too deep and forgot about real life. To be fair, probably didn't feel that before, but I went through similair patterns and I know the way to recovery is trusting the process. Waves are meant to be getting better with time. Even getofflex said that to me, I've been through pain and wierdness and it kept getting better once I got to the window each time. Did I forget that I won't be getting waves for the rest of my life? I still managed to visit my grandma, have aunt and then another aunt visit me, I went to a doctor, I bought my mom namesday gift, I've been in church and watched a few matches, it couldn't be that bad if I survived that. Distractions - good idea, I always tell that to others, afterall I don't have to change anything to survive and heal. Thank you dear, I will always be grateful for souls like you!

 

2 hours ago, mariamisery said:

So sorry you are not doing well.  So many look to you for comfort and help. I hope you will be well again soon. You mean so much to many!!!

Thank you a lot! It's starting to get better though it may be an evening effect. If tommorow is a window, I should be good for the afternoon. Some new ideas I came up with:

 

• Start your day with something joyful or funny - when you start your day and just throw yourself into whatever you have at hand, your mind goes from the mood you have as default. During withdrawal it's likely panic and during a wave it's extreme panic. There are some half-hour funny compilations on YouTube, maybe a motivational vlogger like Lana Blakely or Maria Trappen. Ideally unrelated to withdrawal.

 

• Grow perspective. Every symptom can be broken down to a chemical reaction. You're not your symptoms. Let them be. Don't be too aware of them, but realize you don't need to fight them.

 

• Imagine every symptom is a panic and no matter how bad it is, the regular you from a window is there inside. Every hour you are closer to feeling better, just have a hold on your perspective. A simple to-do list including bath and supper can guide you no matter how bad you feel. If thoughts don't work properly, let something/someone else think for you. It's temporary. Have a map with everything you have in life (house, forum, some other online accounts, games, friends), so that you remember there is more to think than just symptoms inside you.

[Bren711]

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Thank you a lot! It's starting to get better though it may be an evening effect. If tommorow is a window, I should be good for the afternoon.

I think your wave and mine lined up exactly. It's truly relieving once the symptoms start to subside. Hope you are able to get that window!

 

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Imagine every symptom is a panic and no matter how bad it is, the regular you from a window is there inside. Every hour you are closer to feeling better, just have a hold on your perspective. A simple to-do list including bath and supper can guide you no matter how bad you feel. If thoughts don't work properly, let something/someone else think for you. It's temporary. Have a map with everything you have in life (house, forum, some other online accounts, games, friends), so that you remember there is more to think than just symptoms inside you.

This point especially gives me hope. I especially agree with the bath idea, I took my first one in years last night with epsom salts during the worst part of my wave. It definitely helped relax the tension. During a wave, it can feel like the real you is dying and won't return, however you're always there underneath all the stress. The panic distorts reality and hijacks/spellbinds us. I think the more windows we have, the better we will be able to deal with the waves because we have more evidence that we aren't being truly being hurt/damaged by the waves. During a wave, we can tell ourselves "I may feel like I've lost everything and I'm not coming back for a long time, however because I also have windows, its proof that my body does remember and WILL find its way back to normal eventually" to help motivate ourselves to push through it. It helped me a somewhat during my severe wave.

I know others have already said it, but you're really talented at writing! It gives me hope when I read the advice you give. I think your mindset for managing this condition so far has been brilliant and I'm sure its helping many others as well.

[BaccatePlayer]

11 hours ago, Bren711 said:

I think your wave and mine lined up exactly. It's truly relieving once the symptoms start to subside. Hope you are able to get that window!

This seems to be a window day or at least it's not a wave day now. The problem is, I'm left extremely traumatized and even without the other symptoms, I'm still hanging on a thread. I woke up with intense panic at night, it's quite obvious in my case because I start to be stuck at clingy and rescue seeking mood with insatiable need for reassurance and distraction. I fell asleep again, woke up very late (just like previous day) and the panic is still too high. I rarely have physical akathisia, but seems like to some degree it's present now. I also keep coughing nervously, feel like throwing up, don't want to eat, tension headache and balance issues persist. At least it's rather clear that it's all panic. Sometimes the symptoms are incredibly difficult to interpret, but this one is very obvious. I don't know what to do with it cause if I continue to be this hyperalerted the next wave, even if weaker by default will be a complete nightmare should the panic join the symptoms.

 

11 hours ago, Bren711 said:

This point especially gives me hope. I especially agree with the bath idea, I took my first one in years last night with epsom salts during the worst part of my wave. It definitely helped relax the tension. During a wave, it can feel like the real you is dying and won't return, however you're always there underneath all the stress. The panic distorts reality and hijacks/spellbinds us. I think the more windows we have, the better we will be able to deal with the waves because we have more evidence that we aren't being truly being hurt/damaged by the waves. During a wave, we can tell ourselves "I may feel like I've lost everything and I'm not coming back for a long time, however because I also have windows, its proof that my body does remember and WILL find its way back to normal eventually" to help motivate ourselves to push through it. It helped me a somewhat during my severe wave.

I think my mind will only feel safe when I get to the point where surviving the consequtive waves will no longer break me down. The panic attack stripped me out of any control. I wasn't there, I was evicted and my commands felt like empty messages. My body got into most intense fight or flight mode and I couldn't stop it. I knew it'll end and that I won't die, but the pain was too much. In the moment I felt all of my boundaries were crossed. Burning, electricity throughout the whole nerves of limbs and head. I think I'm slowly regaining perspective and I just noticed there's almost no depersonalization anymore. Probably quite some time is yet needed for me to untense, but maybe I'm coming close. Maybe it's just a few more weeks before I stop having such moments.

11 hours ago, Bren711 said:

I know others have already said it, but you're really talented at writing! It gives me hope when I read the advice you give. I think your mindset for managing this condition so far has been brilliant and I'm sure its helping many others as well.

Thank you so much! Now it's completely wierd cause I feel like everyone else handles it way better than me. I made through 4 months already and got the worst wave ever. I guess my whole motivation was based around the idea of it only getting better. I was already looking forward to fully recover, yet it got worse than ever. I wonder if it can go even worse than that or just repeat. I'm glad to be of help. Let's hope the worst is behind me.

[Bren711]

5 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

This seems to be a window day or at least it's not a wave day now. The problem is, I'm left extremely traumatized and even without the other symptoms, I'm still hanging on a thread. I woke up with intense panic at night, it's quite obvious in my case because I start to be stuck at clingy and rescue seeking mood with insatiable need for reassurance and distraction. I fell asleep again, woke up very late (just like previous day) and the panic is still too high. I rarely have physical akathisia, but seems like to some degree it's present now. I also keep coughing nervously, feel like throwing up, don't want to eat, tension headache and balance issues persist. At least it's rather clear that it's all panic. Sometimes the symptoms are incredibly difficult to interpret, but this one is very obvious. I don't know what to do with it cause if I continue to be this hyperalerted the next wave, even if weaker by default will be a complete nightmare should the panic join the symptoms.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're still suffering from this. I thought I was out of the woods too yesterday, but it appears I'm still in an extremely bad wave. I really struggled to sleep because of the same burning sensation that you're describing. Also a lot of uncontrollable thoughts that consisted of the same repeated thought pattern of longing for the past, which contributed to the panic. Hopefully the wave wont be as bad for you next time, and your body will figure out how to make the next wave more bearable. For me, right now I have to take things minute by minute, but I'm trying to tell myself each minute is one minute closer to recovery. Every step is a step forwards, not backwards, even when it doesn't feel like it.

 

5 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Thank you so much! Now it's completely wierd cause I feel like everyone else handles it way better than me. I made through 4 months already and got the worst wave ever. I guess my whole motivation was based around the idea of it only getting better. I was already looking forward to fully recover, yet it got worse than ever. I wonder if it can go even worse than that or just repeat. I'm glad to be of help. Let's hope the worst is behind me.

I can fully relate as of recently. I thought I was out of the worst of it a few weeks ago, but this new wave seems to have brought on some more intense and new persistent symptoms. I pray a window will come eventually. It seems the nature of the windows and waves is pretty universal for many, there will be more extreme waves that feel like progression of the condition, and then milder ones that are more manageable, and then milder windows and intense windows that feel like recovery. I've thought about graphing out my own trajectory over time on a chart so I have a visual, although its hard to quantify because its hard to judge how much better or how much worse I feel, but it could be worth a try so it gives me hope.

Again I pray you'll continue to recover 🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, Bren711 said:

I'm so sorry to hear you're still suffering from this. I thought I was out of the woods too yesterday, but it appears I'm still in an extremely bad wave. I really struggled to sleep because of the same burning sensation that you're describing. Also a lot of uncontrollable thoughts that consisted of the same repeated thought pattern of longing for the past, which contributed to the panic. Hopefully the wave wont be as bad for you next time, and your body will figure out how to make the next wave more bearable. For me, right now I have to take things minute by minute, but I'm trying to tell myself each minute is one minute closer to recovery. Every step is a step forwards, not backwards, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Might actually be a wave or a trought for me. Sometimes panic prolongs the wave. It takes the ratio in favor of waves now, but worrying about this won't help.

1 minute ago, Bren711 said:

I can fully relate as of recently. I thought I was out of the worst of it a few weeks ago, but this new wave seems to have brought on some more intense and new persistent symptoms. I pray a window will come eventually. It seems the nature of the windows and waves is pretty universal for many, there will be more extreme waves that feel like progression of the condition, and then milder ones that are more manageable, and then milder windows and intense windows that feel like recovery. I've thought about graphing out my own trajectory over time on a chart so I have a visual, although its hard to quantify because its hard to judge how much better or how much worse I feel, but it could be worth a try so it gives me hope.

Again I pray you'll continue to recover 🙏

Thank you! My graph looks promising on paper, but it's all subjective anyways. If it really brings us closer to recovery each day, let it be like it wants to be.

 

Looks like no moderator is following my thread. I guess this is because there's not much that they can help me with. I'm drug free, so the only advice for me is to continue abstaining. As for any known symptom, there are general topics covering coping strategies. For moments of doubt - there are success stories. Probably not much they could help me with besides that.

 

Acute phases follow insanely bizzare and intense symptoms. I place myself in this phase which is likely how "early stages" for immediate adverse reaction sufferers look like. Question is, how long do they last? I could more or less manage my recovery up until now since around 3 last weeks, but that panic attack was way too unbearable. I'm not even talking about complete recovery cause that's probably very far away, but right now I can't even bounce back to where I was a week ago. The immediate ADR folks are believed to recover faster even though their first months are more severe, but am I even close to exit the unbearable period? Counting days was helping me at the beginning of my suffering. Nobody can tell how long would I need to be counting: 28 days? 58 days? More?

 

This sunday things got very serious. No joke, the word "unbearable" really had its place then. I don't know how to recover from that. I revisited everything and everyone in my life in hope of distracting myself, but this scar will not fade away quickly. There is no med to help with this. I know you all understand, but I just feel guilty. Look how awful it is: you have to deal with this alone yet you are the last person around to have enough strength for it. For some reason I can't restore my hope and it starts to last too long, even considering it's me. Of course I'll give myself some more time, my thoughts are still instant triggers, so I need to cooldown from that panic, but I wish I knew how close I am.

 

I'm trying to approach it day by day, hoping that it will eventually lead me to an end. I direct my focus to my family. Rumminations no good, staying depressed no good. Others have it worse than me. I appreciate everyone who reminds me that there's the end of this suffering somewhere on the timeline. All I can do now is fake it til I make it.

[Bren711]

59 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

The immediate ADR folks are believed to recover faster even though their first months are more severe, but am I even close to exit the unbearable period?

This is my hope too. Even though I was already in WD beforehand, I'm hoping the effects of the adverse reaction will wear off sooner. 

 

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Acute phases follow insanely bizzare and intense symptoms. I place myself in this phase which is likely how "early stages" for immediate adverse reaction sufferers look like. Question is, how long do they last? I could more or less manage my recovery up until now since around 3 last weeks, but that panic attack was way too unbearable. I'm not even talking about complete recovery cause that's probably very far away, but right now I can't even bounce back to where I was a week ago. The immediate ADR folks are believed to recover faster even though their first months are more severe, but am I even close to exit the unbearable period? Counting days was helping me at the beginning of my suffering. Nobody can tell how long would I need to be counting: 28 days? 58 days? More?

I'm asking myself these same questions, I am just trying to take it moment by moment. Even though some of the symptoms are really scary I'm trying not to panic that they'll be around for a super long time because I don't have an answer. I just have to try not to future tense (this feels very hard though I'll admit). 

 

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I'm trying to approach it day by day, hoping that it will eventually lead me to an end. I direct my focus to my family. Rumminations no good, staying depressed no good. Others have it worse than me. I appreciate everyone who reminds me that there's the end of this suffering somewhere on the timeline. All I can do now is fake it til I make it.

I agree, I try sometimes try to ask myself what are the bad symptoms are could've gotten but I'm lucky I didn't? I'm thankful I don't have severe akathisia at least, and there are probably many other symptoms I could've gotten. So sometimes reframing the mind in that way might be a little helpful, although I'll admit it feels so hard during a severe wave.

Keep pushing through, we can do this 🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

7 minutes ago, Bren711 said:

This is my hope too. Even though I was already in WD beforehand, I'm hoping the effects of the adverse reaction will wear off sooner. 

I know this is what most "first time users" would say, but I feel especially severe case. Those were insanely long 4 months, I lost perspective on many things. If there was kindling involved, maybe it will take a while for me. When I worry too long, I tell myself "If there's really a bad wave incoming, I'm sure Tom from the future will be very glad that I spend this time on rumminating".

 

12 minutes ago, Bren711 said:

I'm asking myself these same questions, I am just trying to take it moment by moment. Even though some of the symptoms are really scary I'm trying not to panic that they'll be around for a super long time because I don't have an answer. I just have to try not to future tense (this feels very hard though I'll admit). 

To be honest it's not even that I'm having such severe symptoms all the time. Sunday, it was just the panic attack for ~3 hours, then I still went downstairs and talked to my family. Monday I was in the town. Morning was bad, I felt so disconnected to my mom, but the intrusive thoughts were momentary, not constant. Tuesday I was shopping, wednesday I was visiting my grandma and today I was working on a farm. I should not remember it as so bad. It's really only the panic attack that I believe had to happen. Anything else I was triggering with my thoughts. Still, it won't be like that forever and not even every wave will be like that.

 

16 minutes ago, Bren711 said:

I agree, I try sometimes try to ask myself what are the bad symptoms are could've gotten but I'm lucky I didn't? I'm thankful I don't have severe akathisia at least, and there are probably many other symptoms I could've gotten. So sometimes reframing the mind in that way might be a little helpful, although I'll admit it feels so hard during a severe wave.

Keep pushing through, we can do this 🙏

I was mostly concerned about hallucinations. I didn't have them (just saw a spider on the celling once that wasn't there but it was when I woke up in the middle of night and it was obvious that it wasn't there) and there's a good chance I won't. Some of the symptoms are very frightening, but I know even the worst attacks won't last for longer than an hour, two or three at worst. Oddly enough I have no sexual dysfunctions, but it's not like I can make use of it now (or maybe sudden inactivity in this sphere called for additional rewiring in my brain?) so I just focus on present time. Getting back to painful times won't serve me. I already wrote enough guidelines.

 

Claire Weekes says setbacks are also to be accepted. Best to let them last as long as needed and the time spend on accepting the setback is as valueable for recovery as overcoming obstacles. Her works are mostly about beating agoraphobia and non-drug-induced health anxiety, but a wave is a setback too, so I know adding secondary fear is no good here either. Too much stress happens regardless. Praying for you too, buddy.

[Gonzo]

Keep going @BaccateJugador, ups and downs are normal. I learned how important is to have moral support during all this process, as I said multiple times I think many people reconnect with unprocessed traumatic stuff when quitting these drugs, then they call it withdrawal, even if it's not just withdrawal. Truth is, no matter what we are experiencing, we need moral support to feel normal and reprocess everything.

 

You got this.

[BaccatePlayer]

4 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Keep going @BaccateJugador, ups and downs are normal. I learned how important is to have moral support during all this process, as I said multiple times I think many people reconnect with unprocessed traumatic stuff when quitting these drugs, then they call it withdrawal, even if it's not just withdrawal. Truth is, no matter what we are experiencing, we need moral support to feel normal and reprocess everything.

 

You got this.

Thank you Gonzo! The most support I have here when I share my thoughts and they're being validated. Doctor is of no use, parents only to a degree, but you're giving me moral support I need here. It's a bit of both. It simply is the trauma we see now with symptoms being glasses. Who doesn't face stress or painful memories? Now with the trauma of drugs it's all even more difficult. I felt disconnected but slowly I'm getting back to my true identity. Claire Weekes says the setback may feel most intense exactly because full recovery is so close. Feelings can only do so much damage, I will rise up. You're my inspiration.

[Gonzo]

I agree with her, we build resilience and strength when we face life adversities, something impossible while drugged and disconnected, and eventually, we find balance, peace.

 

Thanks.

[BaccatePlayer]

15 hours ago, Gonzo said:

I agree with her, we build resilience and strength when we face life adversities, something impossible while drugged and disconnected, and eventually, we find balance, peace.

 

Thanks.

She also said the strongest setback may occur precisely because we get more vulnerable after already going through a tough challenge (saturday and sunday morning in my case), so it may be justified and not a sign that I'm going backwards. This was a regular, unexpected panic attack. I just felt it especially painfully because that's how my "under construction" nervous system feels like for a while. It's like being slapped by someone while having burned face. It happens, but it feels worse. Panic attack already traumatizes people on its own, let alone during such recovery.

 

What I learnt about panic is that it will keep taking you into some scary uncomfortable states that you naturally expect to be some point of no return... and then again... and again... and it never leads to collapse, death or anything. There's another layer of fear and pain, yet another, yet another, when you already thought it was absolute bottom the first time. If it was just fear, I'd handle it. It sadly combines fear, symptoms intensifying and a wave general vulnerability. No wonder it was so painful.

 

Much to my upset I had a wet dream and this usually worsens my mood. I became foggy and already high panic levels got even higher. Very tough morning, but it starts to improve. I think when things kept getting worse and worse, it was around joining this forum. I decided I can't cling to safety so much and kept living as usual, laughing despite all these bizzare feelings. At first it persisted even more. Eventually it started getting better drastically fast. Snowball sight became flashes, then eventually disappeared completely. Electric, chemical sensation everpresent on my head melted into brain burning and after a phase of mildly hot head, went back to normal. I'm not getting these wierd heat blasts, it now works only in mood bubbles form. Depersonalization changes as well, it may go away completely soon. Panic attacks are the worst especially in the middle of a wave. Last time I had panic attack was 4th March and it was during a wave. Then three days later I had another one but it was during a window and it was half as intense and I got over it much faster. Nocturnal emissions often leave me nauseaous, but I mainly care about not getting taxed the next wave.

 

My prediction is that I should stay distracted, force positive outlook, it will keep getting a little better for a few days, then I will go through a weaker wave and after that the window will meet me in similair mood to that from a week ago with potentially one symptom less and I suspect depersonalization will be the one. My mood fluctuates a lot, but I feel heard, understood and validated here. As long as there are no more panic attacks, I feel like I can do it.

[Gonzo]

Great insights @BaccateJugador. It usually happens to me that when I had the shittiest days I reconnect the most with myself, my real needs and I have great insights. I also realized that me, as many people here, feel bad for feeling bad, as if I am doing something wrong for suffering and having logical reactions to that suffering, as if it's immoral basically, and then I get into a moral loop, which is a trap. That happens because we want to be and feel "normal", "functional", "moral" as soon as possible, to fulfill social and moral expectations, and that is natural, but suffering is not immoral, bad, wrong, but moral, I'd say it's a right, suffering send us extremely valuable messages, when it's not just withdrawal at least.

[KaiLee]

23 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

This sunday things got very serious. No joke, the word "unbearable" really had its place then.

 

I am sorry about what I wrote in my topic. I guess I was insensitive. Indeed pain was too terrible for both of us in this withdrawal period. I am very sorry about the pain you're being through.

But what I go through now, this is... I don't know how to explain this. I really don't. It's like your whole being beaten up by every memory that you remember. Every episode is like a torture. But could it be still the symptoms of the waves?

As you said, the sign of waves and windows being not distinctive means we are more closer towards healing. I thought so, but strangely, as I was getting more 'healed', much more weird and disgusting things were happening inside me. I wasn't getting more relief, in fact, I just started to feel more pain constantly. 
Before, I was either in a pain or I was not. But now it's just pain 24/7. And I know so much well about this pain I'm being thorugh. I used to live in this painful emotions and thoughts, behaviors. I was in a disgusting pain for almost my whole life. 

I have been reliving every painful memories I had from the past. This makes me believe that now I am not actually in the withdrawal symptoms, but rather in a psychological recovery.

Although I am not sure, I am very questioned. I wish I can know better...

[KaiLee]

23 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I'm trying to approach it day by day, hoping that it will eventually lead me to an end.

My case does prove that you will indeed go back to your 'factory reset'.

I might not be there yet, but I am definitely getting closer.

So don't worry. It will be fine. Things will work fine for you. Stay strong as much as you can. You've got this.

 

[KaiLee]

And I have learned so many things and improved in so many ways during this period. My life has completely changed for the better because of what I've been through.

 

[KaiLee]

No matter how long it takes, you will heal.

[KaiLee]

You are a strong individual, and you will be healed. I believe in you.

Sorry for taking up too much space in your topic.

But as I say this, I also realize that these are the words that I actually want to say to myself.

[BaccatePlayer]

5 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Great insights @BaccateJugador. It usually happens to me that when I had the shittiest days I reconnect the most with myself, my real needs and I have great insights. I also realized that me, as many people here, feel bad for feeling bad, as if I am doing something wrong for suffering and having logical reactions to that suffering, as if it's immoral basically, and then I get into a moral loop, which is a trap. That happens because we want to be and feel "normal", "functional", "moral" as soon as possible, to fulfill social and moral expectations, and that is natural, but suffering is not immoral, bad, wrong, but moral, I'd say it's a right, suffering send us extremely valuable messages, when it's not just withdrawal at least.

I feel my intense need for feeling asymptomatic, to not experience waves and all that suffering is what makes me very normal right now. Average person going through this will likely react like I do. I usually try to avoid heavy, deep thoughts now. This is a very vulnerable state, my thereshold is still low, so I don't want to add too much stress to my weekly brain capacity. I did a lot personal growth, but I want to save my thinking for when a wave hits especially hard and I get a lot of strong doubts. Too much introspection and philosophy feels quite alienating. Not in a sense that it's misunderstood, but more like I become so focused on my problems that I'm losing contact with going to the shop or to my grandma. This is very bad during a wave because it's much easier to have a panic attack when contemplating than in the middle of conversation with someone face to face (though it happened both ways more than once for me). Health anxiety as a trauma. Maybe I even prolong my nauseaous and empty mood by spending too much time on thinking. Afterall, CNS needs to have safe conditions to heal, not my everpresent internal monologue.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

I am sorry about what I wrote in my topic. I guess I was insensitive. Indeed pain was too terrible for both of us in this withdrawal period. I am very sorry about the pain you're being through.

But what I go through now, this is... I don't know how to explain this. I really don't. It's like your whole being beaten up by every memory that you remember. Every episode is like a torture. But could it be still the symptoms of the waves?

As you said, the sign of waves and windows being not distinctive means we are more closer towards healing. I thought so, but strangely, as I was getting more 'healed', much weird and disgusting things were happening inside me. I wasn't getting more relief, in fact, I just started to feel more pain constantly. 
Before I was either in a pain or not. But now it's just pain 24/7. And I know so much about this pain. I lived in this pain. I was in an utter pain almost my whole life. 

I have been reliving every painful memories I had from the past. This makes me believe that now I am not actually in the withdrawal symptoms, but rather in a psychological recovery.

Although I am not sure, I am very questioned. I wish I know better...

When I sense that happening, I know it's a wave for me. Memories and thoughts suddenly being an instant torture trigger? That's exactly the extreme survival mode I think waves are all about. Interpreting everything as painful or scary to ensure no danger is missed. That's how my waves are. I have to forcefully push myself out of such thoughts everytime. Once the wave ends, I can think about everything, but it's usually not worth it anyways. It'll probably be even harder for me now since my organism is ready to run absolute fire alarm if I combine thinking about that panic attack with being in a wave.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

My case does prove that you will indeed go back to your 'factory reset'.

I might not be there yet, but I am definitely getting closer.

So don't worry. It will be fine. Things will work fine for you. Stay strong as much as you can. You've got this.

My default state is good enough that I want to get there. Symptoms still quite severe, but if it's a matter of 2-6 weeks left, then I could relax already. My mind can stand a lot, but not losing control and waves always end with this happening in one way or another and panic attack is a peak of losing perspective. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm snapping after the worst already happened. I stop a lot of panic during the most difficult/wierd symptoms and then my body has enough and demands some post-trauma relief. Maybe this isn't bad, but I probably need to get myself out of a grief a bit quicker next time.

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

And I have learned so many things and improved in so many ways during this period. My life has completely changed for the better because of what I've been through.

I believe I will be stronger and more self-reliant too. Some things really are unbearable and I shouldn't expect myself to accept them completely.

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

No matter how long it takes, you will heal.

Success stories don't look very promising in terms of recovery time. Also, if it turns out I can experience depersonalization or panic attacks (never had I before) then I'm afraid this possibility may be there for quite some time. I can be gentle with myself for the rest of the year, but I hope my conditions improves by a lot in next weeks.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

You are a strong individual, and you will be healed. I believe in you.

Sorry for taking up too much space in your topic.

But as I say this, I also realize that these are the words that I actually want to say to myself.

That's fine, really. I believe in you too. Most of the time the answer is more rational when we believe the questions is being asked by someone else than us. I'm gonna use this trick on myself. "When in doubts, what I would tell someone who asks the same?"

[Gonzo]

Exactly, the more we normalize our experiences are normal, legitimate, moral, logical, understandable, etc, even if painful, the better, because that way we won't dwell in them more time than necessary.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer How are you doing? Sounds like you've been through a lot recently. I'm not much good at giving advice but I'm a good listener. You've helped so many people, just wish I could do more to help you.🙏😊

[BaccatePlayer]

17 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Exactly, the more we normalize our experiences are normal, legitimate, moral, logical, understandable, etc, even if painful, the better, because that way we won't dwell in them more time than necessary.

Yes, we are already so vulnerable now. No need to add loneliness to the burden. I pretty much forgot what the life is this week. Need to recover soon or these thoughts will fry my sanity to the very end.

1 hour ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer How are you doing? Sounds like you've been through a lot recently. I'm not much good at giving advice but I'm a good listener. You've helped so many people, just wish I could do more to help you.🙏😊

It's alright, my only issue is facing these scary and uncomfortable feelings. I woke up and even though I noticed something is wrong, I couldn't get myself out of it. I think I mentioned it some time in February or March that I was having these wierd moods when my thoughts are extremely narrowed down and I'm stuck in my head. I was shopping with my parents and I felt completely absent, there was one Tom on autopilot and me inside some another dimension. I know my dream was very vivid and I was on constant rumminations mode. I woke up and I was still feeling like in a dream. The only thing that was keeping me alive was the premise that during a window it will be sum zero. I had a note saying that a window may come after many long days, but eventually it always proves that I can feel at least decently good and that when retrospecting, I never said anything non-sense, I never harmed anyone, I never mistook anything or anyone no matter how insane I felt.

 

I didn't know what was happening last sunday. Within a minute my condition went from manageable level to maximum intensity beyond what I even imagined was possible to experience. I hope it will never happen again. From the perspective, I believe this was a panic attack because it started out of nowhere, I actually survived that scot-free and I don't see anything else besides recovery from meds to be blamed. Because our CNS during a wave is so vulnerable and simultaneously so slow to repair, sudden panic attack irritated a lot of nerves which were already on fire. I often tell everyone that when in a wave neuroemotions seek unconditional survival and they'll keep interpreting everything as worst case scenario. Ask yourself if you recover and your mind will tell you you'll never do. Now imagine combining this with panic attack which is already a state of your focus going down to only expect worst to happen. I couldn't get myself out of it. So depersonalized next day that I couldn't feel love to my mom even when I told her that. 

 

I had no appetite this week. This was no life, this was mental torture showing me how serious my state is. My mom suggested me taking vitamin D and zinc... If so little can destabilize me so much, I must be such a severe case. I went to my mom in tears confessing that I couldn't feel it when I told her that I love her on monday. She suggested I need meds as it seems, but I talked her out of it. I think my parents start to understand more, it brought me some relief, but obviously I still have to experience all this on my own.

 

In the evening it seems like yet a few % of it dropped and melted into tension headaches and nausea. I discovered a sore throat now but this may be unrelated to recovery though definitelly doesn't help. I remember the intro of immediate adverse reaction stating that these people can experience desperate and violent thoughts. This definitelly rings true for me. Slowly getting back on the right track, but I may need a few more days.

[Gonzo]

@BaccatePlayer, if you have the time and the will (it's not an easy read), you could take a look at the latest posts in my thread, I think you could find them insightful. I hope so.

 

I'm sure you'll overcome all this suffering.

[Dahlia50]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

March that I was having these wierd moods when my thoughts are extremely narrowed down and I'm stuck in my head. I was shopping with my parents and I felt completely absent, there was one Tom on autopilot and me inside some another dimension

You describe everything well. Your on autopilot and feel absent in front of yourself and the surroundings. Like experiencing in slow motion, another dimension. Feelings of unreality but you see the surroundings, just can't participate with full self (body, energy, soul, heart, mind).

Seem disengaged, uninterested and tired when in fact you feel lost and stuck in your head.

When I can sleep, in the dream, feel more like myself and get a little break. When I wake up it's back to the same situation again.

Hope you get some relief soon… 🌻

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayerIt's difficult to know if we are actually having anxiety attacks or panic attacks. They are so similar but anxiety attacks build up gradually as opposed to panic attacks that can happen unexpectedly. The symptoms are similar and as you describe such as headaches, sore throat, nausea, tearfulness, irritability, ruminating thoughts but other symptoms that suggest panic attacks are sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, muscle tension, chest pain, not flashes, stomach discomfort etc. 

The reason I mention this is because I thought I was getting panic attacks but as an example, I visited my mother today and all the time I was there I felt stressed, even when she was talking (non stop) and questioning me, I felt overpowered and just wanted to leave. I never used to be like this, we used to go everywhere together, holidays too. Once I got in the car (not driving) I felt instant relief but travelling behind a vehicle that had a faulty exhaust didn't help, the fumes really affected me. Half way home I felt a bit panicky, just a weird feeling came over me and by the time I got home I felt nauseous and dizzy. I had to lie down but soon recovered. I thought I was having a panic attack but realised I didn't have all the symptoms of a panic attack but more of an anxiety attack.

I think we all get irrational thoughts at some point in our lives but when you are under stress or have an anxiety disorder, whether brought on by meds or other factors, the symptoms are the same and are how you describe. I think we just have to realise that they are  just irrational thoughts and try not to give them any credence.

Irritability is another issue you mention, I have that too. These days I find it difficult to hold a conversation with anyone for too long. I find it very stressful, whether it's a concentration thing,I don't know, but I get so restless, anxious and sometimes nauseous and dizzy. Sometimes I have to make an excuse to use the bathroom just to get away. My sister in law visited several weeks ago and I spent most of my time in my bedroom, I wasn't being rude in my eyes, I just couldn't handle it. I made no excuses and told her straight out that I was stressed and apologised.

Depersonalisation/derealisation could be related to the stress in your life which is not surprising in your current state of withdrawal. I have experienced this also but perhaps not to the extent you have. It can make you feel you are losing your mind, I know that's how I felt. I used to experience this whilst walking my dog and I spoke to others who had experienced similar but they didn't know what it was. I think it can happen to anyone at some point in their life but even more so if a person is stressed or anxious. I think it is very common with people here on this site. Distraction may be helpful, trying to bring yourself back to reality, I keep an elastic band on my wrist and and sting myself to distract me. 

Like I said, I'm a good listener but not good at giving advice, Lord only knows I need advice myself and need to be continually reassured.

I do hope your symptoms pass soon.🙏😊

[intothewoods]

4 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Within a minute my condition went from manageable level to maximum intensity beyond what I even imagined was possible to experience. I hope it will never happen again. From the perspective, I believe this was a panic attack because it started out of nowhere, I actually survived that scot-free and I don't see anything else besides recovery from meds to be blamed. Because our CNS during a wave is so vulnerable and simultaneously so slow to repair, sudden panic attack irritated a lot of nerves which were already on fire. I often tell everyone that when in a wave neuroemotions seek unconditional survival and they'll keep interpreting everything as worst case scenario. Ask yourself if you recover and your mind will tell you you'll never do. Now imagine combining this with panic attack which is already a state of your focus going down to only expect worst to happen. I couldn't get myself out of it. So depersonalized next day that I couldn't feel love to my mom even when I told her that. 

I feel for you and have felt every single thought/symptom/exasperation/confoundingness for the past few years. I'm catching up on your thread as I try to slowly get back on SA a little. It's a pleasure to meet a fellow writer - - your prose is dense and muscular and at the same time, lyrical. Sometimes I wonder if our intense writing/analyzing brain works against us (of course it does, as you say, we must save brain motor for waves!) but I don't want to lose that part of my being and you inspire me to retain it. 

I've not been on SA because of extraordinary, sustained trauma that's finally, mercifully ending. I will update my thread soon but wanted to say hi and you DEFINITELY will heal. Be gentle on yourself... it's hard for us but helps. 

 

ITW

[itsalyssadood]

6 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

These days I find it difficult to hold a conversation with anyone for too long. I find it very stressful, whether it's a concentration thing,I don't know, but I get so restless, anxious and sometimes nauseous and dizzy. Sometimes I have to make an excuse to use the bathroom just to get away. My sister in law visited several weeks ago and I spent most of my time in my bedroom, I wasn't being rude in my eyes, I just couldn't handle it.

You explained this perfectly to what I experience. For me, it’s like a HUGE overwhelming feeling that makes me super anxious and irritable so I have to excuse myself. The worst! I thought I was the only one to experience this! 

[BaccatePlayer]

16 hours ago, Gonzo said:

@BaccatePlayer, if you have the time and the will (it's not an easy read), you could take a look at the latest posts in my thread, I think you could find them insightful. I hope so.

 

I'm sure you'll overcome all this suffering.

I follow your posts daily. I tend to have similair thoughts, but I noticed it's best not to try to control it all. When I start to explore my traumas I'm triggering more depersonalization. That's the habbit of overthinking, analyzing every last bit. I had this when I was wondering if I can attend communion today. Scruple and doubter to the letter, looking for guilt and sins everywhere. I decided to go believing that if I'm not sure, it isn't a mortal sin state by definition. My suffering is very chemical and that's what keeps me free. I can't control it. I'm not responsible for feeling better. I just let it all happen because I'm not insane. Depersonalization, panic - these are all experiences of my body. I am myself and not in danger. No point in suffering more than I need to. There will be time for heavy thinking when my CNS builds up more stress tolerance. Right now I don't need to seek answers everywhere. They're simple. Wait and be healed. Psychiatry will not hurt me ever again. All the strength was there in me the whole time.

 

14 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

You describe everything well. Your on autopilot and feel absent in front of yourself and the surroundings. Like experiencing in slow motion, another dimension. Feelings of unreality but you see the surroundings, just can't participate with full self (body, energy, soul, heart, mind).

Seem disengaged, uninterested and tired when in fact you feel lost and stuck in your head.

When I can sleep, in the dream, feel more like myself and get a little break. When I wake up it's back to the same situation again.

Hope you get some relief soon… 🌻

Yes, that's exactly depersonalization. I'm still experiencing the same sensations from the panic attack in parts. I hope it's my body learning to never repeat them. Luckily it rolls for me reasonably fast, so a matter of minutes, hours, rarely days is enough to set me free. Depersonalization hits the strongest in face of severe stress, rumminations and panic. My mind allowed me to experience this undeniable feeling of losing life. It will never get bearable I think, but it will never get true either. As long as it's set in stone that I'm heading recovery and there will be no such upsets anymore, I will keep going. Most severe and unbearable wave, but there's a chance it won't happen again. Working on stress and I'll be fine. You will heal too. You can't feel it's just chemical reaction, but you can tell yourself it is because that's the truth. Thank you for being, Dahlia.

[BaccatePlayer]

14 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerIt's difficult to know if we are actually having anxiety attacks or panic attacks. They are so similar but anxiety attacks build up gradually as opposed to panic attacks that can happen unexpectedly. The symptoms are similar and as you describe such as headaches, sore throat, nausea, tearfulness, irritability, ruminating thoughts but other symptoms that suggest panic attacks are sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, muscle tension, chest pain, not flashes, stomach discomfort etc. 

The reason I mention this is because I thought I was getting panic attacks but as an example, I visited my mother today and all the time I was there I felt stressed, even when she was talking (non stop) and questioning me, I felt overpowered and just wanted to leave. I never used to be like this, we used to go everywhere together, holidays too. Once I got in the car (not driving) I felt instant relief but travelling behind a vehicle that had a faulty exhaust didn't help, the fumes really affected me. Half way home I felt a bit panicky, just a weird feeling came over me and by the time I got home I felt nauseous and dizzy. I had to lie down but soon recovered. I thought I was having a panic attack but realised I didn't have all the symptoms of a panic attack but more of an anxiety attack.

I think we all get irrational thoughts at some point in our lives but when you are under stress or have an anxiety disorder, whether brought on by meds or other factors, the symptoms are the same and are how you describe. I think we just have to realise that they are  just irrational thoughts and try not to give them any credence.

Irritability is another issue you mention, I have that too. These days I find it difficult to hold a conversation with anyone for too long. I find it very stressful, whether it's a concentration thing,I don't know, but I get so restless, anxious and sometimes nauseous and dizzy. Sometimes I have to make an excuse to use the bathroom just to get away. My sister in law visited several weeks ago and I spent most of my time in my bedroom, I wasn't being rude in my eyes, I just couldn't handle it. I made no excuses and told her straight out that I was stressed and apologised.

Depersonalisation/derealisation could be related to the stress in your life which is not surprising in your current state of withdrawal. I have experienced this also but perhaps not to the extent you have. It can make you feel you are losing your mind, I know that's how I felt. I used to experience this whilst walking my dog and I spoke to others who had experienced similar but they didn't know what it was. I think it can happen to anyone at some point in their life but even more so if a person is stressed or anxious. I think it is very common with people here on this site. Distraction may be helpful, trying to bring yourself back to reality, I keep an elastic band on my wrist and and sting myself to distract me. 

Like I said, I'm a good listener but not good at giving advice, Lord only knows I need advice myself and need to be continually reassured.

I do hope your symptoms pass soon.🙏😊

It was very sudden. I wasn't even feeling anxious until I noticed that it traps me. I realized how powerful it is, how long it may last and this was closing me to external world. It looked more like overload of symptoms and a wierd mood being forced on me. Because it felt completely new I couldn't make my own mind about what to do. I was in the middle of developing a habbit of accepting symptoms like Claire Weekes and Shaan Kassan teached, but it was too unbearable and I noticed my thoughts become very bizzare like completely out of this world. Because it was connected to such changes, I knew it's from my recovery. More signs of it being a giant system recalibration (whole chain of nerves burning, wierd phantom balance issues), but I label it as panic attack cause otherwise I'd feel insane and worried. It didn't feel natural at all, rather something I was sure one cannot survive. I used to have these in milder (though not much milder) form in the past, thought I got over them, but maybe if they become more and more rare, there won't be more of them.

 

Anxiety attacks I'm having more often and I feel they're more manageable. Both seem to come and go without reasons but I hope panic attacks will not reappear, at least not during a wave. I was having some moments of internal doom that feel as if CNS accidently turned the whole light off and then was like "oops, sorry... wrong button... Let me try something else". Overall the new sensations from that panic attacks keep repeating now in parts and this makes them easier to process.

 

What you described with the irritability presents itself as some sort of depression from all that burden in my case. I'm losing interest in everything because I want it to be fixed. That's the part of panic disorder: you start to avoid things in fear that it will catch you off guard. Maybe it's the depersonalization, but I externally act flawless l, it all happens in my head.

 

Yes, I feel stressed and struggle to get back to regular thoughts. This mood is full of panic and sense of being trapped in this condition as long as it can keep surprising me. I appreciate your listening and hope it didn't tax you too much. Thank you Sonia, I assure you your case is not exception and it will end soon. Everyone struggles somehow and the worst symptom is always the one that bothers you the most. The days keep passing quicker for me now, so I should be feeling better soon. Tuesday will already be 4 months and 1 week, so the most acute phase should be ending. Unless I'm destined to be there for very long time, which would mean one month is not much of a difference, but I was already registering improvement, so I hope it's more promising. There was a girl in her early 20s here who had immediate adverse reaction to sertraline and reported last unbearable wave was in her fifth month. Kai's example also sounds very inspiring. I'm already decently functioning, so it may really not be long. Altostrata compares immediate ADR to PAWS and they also ease around 4-6 month in with progress being very good sign.

 

12 hours ago, intothewoods said:

I feel for you and have felt every single thought/symptom/exasperation/confoundingness for the past few years. I'm catching up on your thread as I try to slowly get back on SA a little. It's a pleasure to meet a fellow writer - - your prose is dense and muscular and at the same time, lyrical. Sometimes I wonder if our intense writing/analyzing brain works against us (of course it does, as you say, we must save brain motor for waves!) but I don't want to lose that part of my being and you inspire me to retain it. 

I've not been on SA because of extraordinary, sustained trauma that's finally, mercifully ending. I will update my thread soon but wanted to say hi and you DEFINITELY will heal. Be gentle on yourself... it's hard for us but helps. 

 

ITW

Hi, glad to have you here! Thanks for reassurance, I spent long days in a very strong mood bubble, so I needed to be reminded that I'll heal eventually. I'm surprised it was so powerful that I was watching my suffering and barely accessed the thoughts of even seeking hope.

 

This will always be a part of us, sometimes it's just better to stay grounded for the sake of our sanity. It's temporary and won't go anywhere. I understand your trauma, that's great that you want to add positivity to our lives. Exactly what true warriors do.

 

Be my guest, much appreciation. Sometimes it's difficult to just stay distracted because I experience it all so deeply, I feel part of it and yet I'm pushed out of control panel by my own mind limits when plagued by symptoms. Hopefully not for long.

8 hours ago, itsalyssadood said:

You explained this perfectly to what I experience. For me, it’s like a HUGE overwhelming feeling that makes me super anxious and irritable so I have to excuse myself. The worst! I thought I was the only one to experience this! 

I relate to it in a bit different form. For me it's more like currency that shocks me with some feelings of losing ground, falling into limbo or just some jumpscare that feels like I burned my body and need to shake myself off of it first. I'm not usually irritated because my default response is freeze or sometimes flight, but these bombs are "huge" in a sense that in the moment they replace every single thought and it's impossible to ignore them. Literally the only failsafe left is reading my own notes that this doesn't last forever and I'm not actually dying.

[BaccatePlayer]

There are just 5 symptoms from Glenmullen's list I'm still struggling with: worsened mood, anxiety, depersonalization/derealization, panic attacks and agitation. Some minor ones like headaches, bloating, nausea or balance issues roll during waves, but my WDnormal doesn't include them I believe. I still have my calendar, green days are windows, red days are severe panic attacks and yellow days are any other wave or otherwise upsetting time. Looks good on paper, doesn't feel well on skin. In all cases, I feel I entered the stage when it's just these typical anxiety spectrum symptoms and it gets easier and easier to recognize that feeling unwell, no matter how wierd or painful = panic and anxiety. Obviously I can try coping, but some things during recovery we just have to endure, no matter what. The worst is obviously panic attack, but I've heard this is the most severe and should go away first. They dropped in frequency for me, so there's a chance it was the last one. The rest is more manageable and bearable though I still need to stand a lot. The list that mods provide may not cover everything, but I believe once the major flags disappear, it won't be long for everything to be fixed. I'm glad that week is over and my thinking slowly returns to normal with mood catching up. Seriously if panic attacks are gone and mood stays in the right dimension, it should head recovery very soon. Up to 7 following weeks should bring lots of crucial healing. That's what I wish myself and anyone reading.

 

[Kaylaq]

Cool chart! 👍🏼😻😎  💪💪💪

[BaccatePlayer]

20 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Cool chart! 👍🏼😻😎  💪💪💪

Thanks, I remember how I was panicking each time I was looking how much left there may still be to go. First 3 months were neverending, complete disaster. I don't know how I was even able to survive this. Now I'm more hopeful, but I know waves can be very serious challenge. Days keep passing quicker for me, so maybe I really won't even notice when it's over.

 

I feel I became too bossy and repelling lately. Got another NE and it always shakes me for days. Gotta rest a lot during next wave. I'm telling myself it does lead to full recovery no matter how bad it gets. My January self was thinking that I was fighting for nothing, but it is getting better. The whole panic and depersonalization chain is likely a solid network of receptors, so it may take a while. I couldn't believe some symptoms could ever go away, but they eventually did, so no reason to doubt that these will be fixed as well. I think around 4 weeks is enough to see a big improvement and 7-8 will show an even greater one. I hope you know that your recovery is coming closer too, Kayla. Sending lots of smile!

[KaiLee]

I understand the feeling of fighting for nothing.

But now I go through tons of changes. It is not pleasing for me, but at least now I am much closer to being in life than where I was before.

I believe this will happen to you, too.

I am sorry if this sounds irrelavant to your sitiation. I still do not have enough strength to read other people's posts.

Take care.