BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

4 minutes ago, Arisotura said:

Just wanted to say hi and wish you a hasty recovery, or something of that sort -- I don't know how to word this well.

 

I can definitely relate to the "moods taking you into another dimension" part. It can feel overwhelming. I find that something silly like binging on Youtube Shorts is a good way to keep myself distracted during such episodes, but my brain never stops thinking regardless.

 

I see you're having ear problems and I've also been having these for a couple years now. I wonder what it is about withdrawals that cause these.

Hello, thank you for reaching out! I think my recovery is very aggressive. After first month hypersensitivity to lights, temperature and foods disappeared with phantom balance issues (like falling into endless limbo) being gone, after second month I could already walk around all day and do chores even during waves and the completely drunk-like vision turned into mild flashes. Once third month ended my thinking became rational enough to really only bend under these out of this world moods which are usually just half hour peaks at the end of waves. Also I no longer experience such storms as pain but more like some variant of dissociation or depersonalization with chemically altered confusion. Those are some serious jumps as if my brain was a massive Rubik's cube twisted violently until it sets some new order. I hope in 13 days I will by able to say "With fourth month end my thinking stopped triggering wierd states and I no longer experience being dragged into those insane mood bubbles". This is almost all I need to declare that it's finally on bearable level.

 

I experience these moods as system overload. Waves generally start as serious slowdown for me. I feel digestion slows down, waking up for it the day slows down, adjusting to position changes slows down. Then, there are processing glitches. Innocent thoughts open some wierd feelings and I act like a part of my brain was "infected" for a while. I try to hide on the safe side, but such storms is when it takes over more than half of me. It stops feeling like me having symptoms, it feels like symptomatic body has me as intruder. This is a real life or death mind game. I can do nothing, I'm slowed down like on autopilot, catatonic and only have enough of my own consciousness to remind myself that this is a symptom and I need to wait it out. Once it's over, I'm left in traumatized state. I freak out at the thought that it's even possible to feel that. I have regrets, that I could tell others about it in the moment, that I could fall asleep, splash hot and cold water on myself in alternating fashion, but point is I'm too restricted, trapped, decelerated and immobilized in such states. Probably the most severe symptom I have at this phase.

 

My ear clogging started after I got shingles as post covid complication back in 2020. Since then they feel full very easily and I struggle with cleaning them. During recovery from psychiatric meds, I think it's about waking up for the day. Tinnitus, ear pressure, hyperacusis, this is all a struggle to adjust. Ears are afterall a balance organ. More cortisol in the morning means more signals have to flow through ears. As for wax, it's typical during inflamation or sickness to build up excessively, so maybe that's it.

 

It's hard to stay distracted under burden of symptoms, but externally I look asymptomatic and do what I normally do most of the time. Probably high pace stimuli from screens and rumminations aren't too good during waves, but I counter that with progressive muscle relaxations. Impatience is very natural, but any sane person feels some panic when surprising, overtaking turmoil starts getting more brutal inside. Recovery stories are long here, averaging on 1-7 years or so. Scary, but I found some around 6-10 months too, so a young adverse reaction victim may be in more favourable circumstances. I wish you lasting relief too!

[BaccatePlayer]

25 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

It has to get better.  Doing this everyday is very hard.  I hope you achieve your goals. Hope the windows and waves balance out. Even better , no more waves.  The breathing for me especially in morning is still an issue. I do breathing exercises but that doesn't help. This journey gets unbearable at times. I am doing my best to get through.  I know that you are doing the same.

I remember when I first took mirtazapine and felt absolutely poisoned. Nausea, drowsiness and weakness out of this world. Had to drop it right away. Then psychistrist sent me for psychological tests and after my health anxiety was labeled as hypochondria she said not to worry and keep taking mirtazapine... for next half a year. I didn't have unbearable symptoms later on, but it wasn't doing much besides putting me into bed and taking to 250lbs+ bodyweight club.

 

Anyways, a single symptom like this can last around 2-8 months, so not much you can do to expect it to disappear completely. Very common mirtazapine complication, both withdrawal and side effect of taking. Still, you have to remember that this is the right thing your body does by releasing cortisol in the morning, otherwise you'd be either asleep or barely walking in zombie mode with brain fog thinking all kinds of rumminations for you. When you experience that issue your brain gets the message that it needs to be repaired but if it isn't yet, that means something is actually more urgent which you may not even notice. Continue to work on your anxiety and acceptance even if it doesn't seem to be working now. When I introduced any change, around 2 weeks were needed for it to make any difference.

 

I always go through painful times with a "split of care": think as if nothing was wrong, act as if you need to be vary. This means no challenging thoughts, puzzles, no multitasking, no music, no sex, no carrying heavy items, no rumminations, no fast paced eye surfing on the screens, but mindset of following everything as if there was no issue. Time spent on positive conversations and relaxation during waves is always valueable. My waves are like a nightmare trying to take me over. I resist so much until it's over. Then, the next wave doesn't surprise me with the same tricks cause even if I access the worst memories, I was still rejecting wave's messages. Windows are like the black area moving to the background and not coming to light so easily. Still, better not to overuse windows. I'm sensitive to many stressors, so I approach them like this: I encounter a stressor and see it brings me down, so I make a pause to recompose myself, then I approach the thought again and manage it in microscale. For instance if my unbearable thought is about being abandoned by my ex and I freak out at the prospect of everyone around marrying, I picture myself with all my interests, all my groups on discord where they treat me like expert/mentor, any situation like shop, church, bistro and visualize everything stays the same for me even if everyone around was bunch of couples. Then I open a photo of my cousin with his SO and treat it like exposure, admiting I want both of them to be happy and I can still be supported by both of them or offering my help to them too. To stay positive, it's best to approach it as a challenge. You don't wait for things to be positive, you make the moment positive by yourself. I have a list of ideas that I could use any moment, they open up my thinking and show how there's always a hope, always a way to maybe not fix everything, but change a moment: my parents, my sister, Jesus, sports, video games, storywriting, relaxation techniques, my cats, drawing myself in some new clothes, my comics, books, looking at old photos, watching cars driving by and guessing what are those, imagining myself dancing and singing on school academy, taking a walk, telling awesome people like you how I feel or maybe just simply lying down with eyes closed and counting all the symptoms I don't have anymore.

 

Always so kind for everyone, so full of hope and big heart, it's all you. Much appreciation! We all see strength in struggles of each other and want to see reflection of our own recovery. You're like a shinning angel finding me in a dark forest where I'm lost in the storm. You give me an umbrella to stay resilent every next step. But I have a rose for you too, so you always remember your acts of virtues are priceless in the critical moments for those you rescue. Being a guardian angel is a hard work, but I see your wounds and assure you that you're not alone. For your every painful feeling, I pray you find hope to face any future challenge.

[mariamisery]

Thank you for the kind words. Thank  you for being here in my darkest time giving me hope. Helping me to press forward. I pull from your strength as many days I find myself in a weaken state.  Many days it feels  like I want make it. Thanks for the encouragement!

[KaiLee]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Still, you have to remember that this is the right thing your body does by releasing cortisol in the morning, otherwise you'd be either asleep or barely walking in zombie mode with brain fog thinking all kinds of rumminations for you.

 

I find this very interesting. I stopped having that cortisol spike a while ago, but my waking up has become only much worse. I want to discuss more about this topic, but I don't feel like I have enough energy at this moment... I am sorry.

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you for the kind words. Thank  you for being here in my darkest time giving me hope. Helping me to press forward. I pull from your strength as many days I find myself in a weaken state.  Many days it feels  like I want make it. Thanks for the encouragement!

I'm gonna imagine you're holding my hand, so I'm not drowning because a wave is starting. Flashes, hearing disorientation, balance zaps and 90 pulse (heart racing works on similair basis as breathing/swallowing issues) with drowsiness and feeling like I'm getting sick. Considering saturday evening was rather peaceful, I'm gonna count this window as 4 days long which is a record breaking batch. If my clogged ear isn't destabilizing things further by confusing brain signals with tinnitus, maybe it will finally be bearable wave. My plan is: sedentary distraction (should be easy with weekend being peak live football on TV time), especially for tommorow, friday and saturday, relaxation podcasts, lots of affirmations especially for saturday and sunday. Since my laptop is dead I may place a sticker with "stop rumminations!" on the screen which may be lifesaver. I also have a plan of running a test: using heating ointment on feet and chest for sleeping time. I wasn't feeling panic today, but my pulse hints I am panicking and I remember being startled by my cat a few times, so time for some anxiolytic music.

 

24 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I find this very interesting. I stopped having that cortisol spike a while ago, but my waking up has become only worse. I want to discuss more about this, but I don't feel I have enough power yet...

Sure, come back whenever you're in power. I think this is exactly the conclusion: if your cortisol doesn't elevate in the morning, you will have a hard time waking up. This is true for healthy individuals, so is for us. Symtpoms can go with both overactivation and underactivation. Maybe that's the solution? Start a day with physical and mental warm up? Obviously not too stimulating, but something that smoothly takes your energy levels up.

[KaiLee]

Doing an excersise in the morning is something I have been dreaming to do for a while, but it is always the most challenging thing for me. Morning is just way too terrible. It's almost unbearable.

But I really think I should do that, so tomorrow I'll try again...

Who knows, maybe this time I'll wake up without having any bad feelings. 🤷‍♂️

[BaccatePlayer]

9 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

Doing an excersise in the morning is something I have been dreaming to do for a while, but it is always the most challenging thing for me. Morning is just way too terrible. It's almost unbearable.

But I really think I should do that, so tomorrow I'll try again...

Who knows, maybe this time I'll wake up without having any bad feelings. 🤷‍♂️

Remember you can always start with something very light and then adjust as you need. Good luck!

[mariamisery]

Today is very bad for me. Window yesterday and unbearable wave today. All my waves comes as the awful feelings. So hard to navigate. Trying to not dwell on it but unsuccessful.  Wish I was stronger.  Sending endurance and healing to all those in pain.

[Dahlia50]

@mariamisery Some waves are terrible. Hard to navigate. It's ok to dwell, it takes a lot on you and sometimes it overflows. Before this I thought I was strong but now I wish I was so much stronger. I think we are strong but the intensity of this is senseless and often inhumane.

Hope you get relief soon and healing…

[BaccatePlayer]

20 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Today is very bad for me. Window yesterday and unbearable wave today. All my waves comes as the awful feelings. So hard to navigate. Trying to not dwell on it but unsuccessful.  Wish I was stronger.  Sending endurance and healing to all those in pain.

I'm sorry for your suffering. Waves are crucial for our recovery, so treat them as what they are: your body borrowing some of your resources to deal with instability so it can leave you more repaired for the next window. I think if your waves start with mood/feelings/thoughts sphere, this is an interesting sign. For me and what's being described in waves and windows topic, it's usually physical symptoms for few days and mood is the "second half". Maybe you're close to recovery?

 

There's always hope, Maria. If your strategy didn't work, maybe you could try different approach? Avoiding feelings by not dwelling on them leaves your state in the same place, but maybe they actually call for acceptance or some elaboration? How about setting a direction that helps your mind knowing how to navigate? I don't know what feelings you're dealing with, but I'd write them down and try to see what closure they require.

 

Here are examples that would ring true for me:

• I feel insane -> This feeling is irrational and has no base in logic. It isn't true, so I just accept I had this feeling, but there are proofs in my actions that it was never the case. Dismiss.

• I feel lonely -> Valid. I indeed suffer alone and many people wouldn't understand me. Maybe I should work on communicating my symptoms better? Showing my mom the forum? Describing why I feel certain way and how she could support me?

• I feel useless -> Valid, but subjective observation that can be changed. I accept that now my limitations frustrate me, but I will be able to do many things when I feel better. Would I accuse someone suffering withdrawal of being useless? No, so I forgive myself too.

 

You don't have to solve all traumas, it's not an optimal time to work with rejections, body insecurities or failed ambitions, but maybe your heart feels you are leaving it hanging on some feelings. Sometimes even a small "oh, I was worried about what I ate affecting me, but this is just being neuroparanoid" can be a good shock that unlocks your mood. Reflect on what you may had not process fully that happened last hours and think of what you could do to bounce yourself onto right mindset. You control it, Maria! Don't let it buy you, if it tells you you're too weak, say that you're strong enough by supporting me, Dahlia, Sonia and fighting for yourself by asking questions. That's what a strong girl hurt by mirtazapine would do!

[mariamisery]

 Thank you! Great advice. Hopefully it is getting closer. I rather say I get both at the same time. Heated feeling in stomach, tiredness, emotionally  unstable. It takes me down mentally.  It is severe.  Trying to implement  your advice. What are your waves like?  One day window. Next day  waves. You have been helping us out so much. I hope you  are not suffering. I want to support you all. I am so thankful for your support and others.  I want to be strong but feeling so defeated. 

[BaccatePlayer]

21 hours ago, mariamisery said:

What are your waves like? 

 

 

I don't mind it at all, just noticed that you often ask people "What are your waves like?", "How are your windows?", "How do you cope?" and I found these comments where I described it. You may want to revisit them. Did anything changed? I think I'm in a wave now, but it's not an intense set of symptoms amymore, it's more like a time of increased vulnerability. Cognitive slowdown, feeling something chemical is inside me and can't settle, that's quite expected, but the main issue now is something pretty hard to describe. I think @Gonzo may know what I mean because it's related to thoughts, feelings, moods and trauma. Basically there are some thoughts which I can normally encounter during analyzing regular situations and they trigger some very wierd limbo of terror. One that I remember had something to do with wondering how I will be functioning with everyone else living their lives and me not even being able to drive a car. The one from today was simply "what if I moved to big town?" and there's some really undetectable painful sphere I activated with this thought. I quickly shaked myself out of it, but later I sat down on my bed and wondered what were those moments even. Suddenly I felt intense panic, something similair to feeling like I'm losing it, going insane and there were thoughts about me having to die cause how will I even live with such moments happening. Then I somehow got over it but it was again something like getting dragged into very deep state where I lost perspective completely. For a while I just forgot about the whole world, my mental vision got reduced only to this terrible attack. Such experience is way too deep to be called "bearable", I instantly asked "where had I l've just been?" and still feeling insanely traumatized by it. Like some very quick "panic attack on steroids". This was also a day when I was feeling a serious fear of being there for very long months, maybe years, writing about bizzare, wierd thoughts... but I realized one thing. The verbal messages of my thoughts or feelings aren't wierd. They're completely normal and understandable. What is very concerning for me is how I'm getting pulled into such crazy states. This may not last long but is extremely severe and I don't know how to cope with it. Since my thinking is so narrowed in such state, it'd be best not to trigger that, but I don't know how. The thoughts that trigger it seem to be "existential" or just capturing a very deterministic approach to some outside world facts, but I don't think this can be avoided all the time. I try to be rational about it, so I classify it as rumminations and panic, but it works in a way it never did before. Maybe this is what's left from "trap sensation"? I thought it melted away, but perhaps this is how it looks like now and I got too comfortable with thinking about anything causing it to start such variant of panic attack and getting over it in probably around 15 seconds? I wish it was more simple, I wish I was already cured. What I fear a lot is that I will never be the same, that even after being recovered, I will have some wierd symptoms like this for example 7 months after, 3 years and 2 months after, that there will always be some scar from it... Alright, reality check: I always tell others that it's just panic and rumminations and that they just need to trust the process, distract themselves and ease the panic. So I'm gonna do it. Yes, it's a wave, it's a painful one, but as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm 11 days short of reaching 4 months recovery which is... sadly nowhere near "excessively long" and I'm not even bedridden like some others. Sorry for freaking out, but a few second bomb like this caused more threat in my life that few gloomy days of lower intensity.

 

22 hours ago, mariamisery said:

I rather say I get both at the same time.

This is what I feel most often at the end of a wave. It usually is fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh day, I wake up extremely tired and resigned, the physical and emotional symptoms persist even more than before, my perspective starts to bend, there's some really strong moment of breakdown and... then the wave is over. The beginning is mostly physical, then it gets emotional for me and the finish is both. I guess no hard rule here.

 

22 hours ago, mariamisery said:

I want to be strong but feeling so defeated. 

I think you just have to push that statement as true despite not feeling it. It was naturally easier for me to throw advices when I wasn't burdened by symptoms in a window, but now I'm facing what you mentioned: "it takes me down mentally". I feel severely hindered by these mental storms and I feel like I have to build my composure from absolute zero which is extremely demotivating. This is what I guess you relate to in your own way. So maybe we can work on that simultaneously? I think it's good to remind ourselves that a wave or not, each day our journey doesn't change its principles. We calm down, we know we have windows and waves back and forth, we know we won't die from it nor get trapped in symptoms forever, there's a whole forum who went/is going through what we're facing and our job is only to avoid stress, substances and sleep deprivation. Believing distractions or easing panic will help us is hard. It always is. Convincing someone in the first days of IAR that they need to stop thinking about it is difficult, they won't believe it's not permanent or that it's just nervous system. They will try to find reason, think it's brain damage and it'd look like panic from our perspective. Should we blame ourselves then? I don't think so. Maybe a grounding exercise? Look into the mirror, see that you're there. Touch your arms, legs, neck. They're normal, they're not sore or of different color. I think this should at least help to bounce back into life. I wonder how would it work if we were in the same room? Notice that both you and me can feel absolutely broken in a moment, but when we notice the other one is voicing out suffering, we immediately have all the rational answers and tips for each other. I remember Kayla also said that it's easier for her to be for others than for herself. I'm not saying spending the whole wave on supporting others solves everything but maybe we need to enter a bit more "others focused" state to disconnect from our pain? I totally get the compulsion to have others focused on my issues, on elaborating about symptoms, encouraging each other, but that's still not really exiting panic mode, that's simply "closing some doors from panic by getting answers and encouraging it to seek some other doors" if that makes sense. I'm gonna draw a triangle with "distraction", "coping" and "exiting the spiral" to remember not to underdo any of these.

[Gonzo]

Yeah, I personally identify those mental and emotional states as related to past traumatic events and unprocessed trauma, what I fear is to be trapped in my immoral feelings/mental and emotional state, of shame, guilt and terror, etc, because it's excruciating but also because in the past when I showed those emotions and feelings I was punished, the hardest time I was punished it was by psychiatry, which was brutal.

[Kaylaq]

There has to be a better way of getting through this!!!  I’m so tired of not being able to get into living life!!  My rummunitions this morning were exhausting, I’m losing hope!!  😭😖😟😭 

[BaccatePlayer]

12 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, I personally identify those mental and emotional states as related to past traumatic events and unprocessed trauma, what I fear is to be trapped in my immoral feelings/mental and emotional state, of shame, guilt and terror, etc, because it's excruciating but also because in the past when I showed those emotions and feelings I was punished, the hardest time I was punished it was by psychiatry, which was brutal.

I guess I was in state of hightened panic throughout the day and didn't ease my tempo which made trigger thoughts a kindle for such storm. I remember many insecurities, comparing myself to others is definitelly one of them, the greatness and interconnectivity of society, loneliness - I forbid myself from rumminations, but this caught me off guard. Easing panic and staying on superficial, low tempo thoughts as a solution for now I guess. Trauma alone would be manageable, recovery would be manageable but when it blends into one, I don't know how to handle this. I just hope such experiences won't haunt me long after recovering from this. I could totally spend days on being anxious and depressed, but running it now on this malfunctioning software is just too much.

 

10 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

There has to be a better way of getting through this!!!  I’m so tired of not being able to get into living life!!  My rummunitions this morning were exhausting, I’m losing hope!!  😭😖😟😭 

We're with you, dear. There are really just three activities (one being drinking soda) that I miss, but I can totally relate to being bedridden or hypersensitive to lights, temperature or sounds since that was me last year. I came up with something that may work on both rumminations and agitation. I think I have something like mania right now (though mania is never a positive experience for me, it's always such racing mind and hyperexcitability that it physically hurts cause it's being transcribed into fear of losing control, going insane or bursting out of panic) and instead of trying to steep slope my mood, maybe there needs to be a gradual shift. I'm thinking: brisk walking with moderate tempo music, then regular walk with slow tempo music and eventually starting to walk extremely slowly with music for sleep podcast? Probably won't hurt to try. If I couldn't get up from the bed, I'd just trade walking for tapping knees with hands in specific tempo. I'm gonna see if it slows down hyperalerted mind. Rumminations are such powerful, we can ignore them once and within a minute they're back again so smoothly we don't even notice. Worst is, mind simply loses interest in anything else and wants to go back to rumminating no matter what. We can't give up, entering that internal loop makes us disconnected from any positive perspective, we have nothing to lose, we need to keep yelling "no!" to these temptations. Praying for you seeing hope, Kayla!

[Gonzo]

Yeah, when everything is combined is when is the more unbearable. But. Slowly, with support, patience and understanding, it gets better.

[Kaylaq]

Thank you, hanging on by a thread these last couple of days, ….

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, when everything is combined is when is the more unbearable. But. Slowly, with support, patience and understanding, it gets better.

I think the symptoms themselves are my biggest trauma. I can think of being abused, going through driving exam, my breakup, anything and it doesn't even elicit anxiety. When I start thinking how wierd and painful recovery was up to this day, this is instantly a doom. I could always name what's happening to me, always knew who manipulates, always had a plan. With this? Every week my composure gets a reset and I've got nothing to hold onto. A thought being sad is fine, but a thought that goes into illogical mood state I can't even recognize and is an utter terror? Nothing possibly worse in life. I seriously start to believe that there was never anything wrong with my life so far and that there's really no problem worth being bothered by. Losing a parent or lifelong depression wouldn't be as bad as this is. I can't ever comprehend an idea of there being people who go through this and even consider taking another med. If there'd be a risk of symptoms getting even 1% worse, that's instantly out of the question for me. I never had this truly traumatic reaction, but in regards to my symptoms I literally say "No, take me back to this moment and tell me this isn't happening like that, I didn't consent going through this regardless if I handled it well or not". There are ways for humans to feel out of control, but this is just illegal...

 

31 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

Thank you, hanging on by a thread these last couple of days, ….

Feeling that. Bad days can only last so long. They won't matter when we eventually recover. Every single day survived is our victory. It's there, the recovery is ineviteable, we're doing everything we can. Seeking improvement, I almost forgot there are times I simply need to let happen. Water, breathing, self-talk, this is all well-intended, but this is just coping, we can't hide from everything. There's a quote from polish book that goes like this "Whoever didn't taste the bitterness of Earth, cannot taste the sweetness of Heaven". We aren't dying because of our suffering, we are alive because we can suffer now. Maybe that's what we need to accept during a wave? That no one yet called their wave "pleasant" time, but everyone got over it eventually. Pretty much every wave always persists so badly until I finally snap and start ranting how unbearable it is. Remember Kayla, it's always all panic, rumminations and trauma in disguise. If you took care of yourself, if you didn't add more stress, if you lowered your inner nervousness and have a distraction in front of you then you did everything you could. It can only be better if it's already so bad.

 

On a positive note: my symptoms got down to just the mental sphere. Terrible moods, some out of this world internal experiences and ocassionally balance or visual disturbances but very minor. Obviously neuroemotions, panic and heart racing coming with that during waves, but that's expected I guess. Literally if the wierdness went away, if my sense of self got restored, that would be it. Brain burning is gone, pain is gone, it's all a matter of these dissociations/depersonalizations and moods to be fixed. I know the odd feelings are already going on for 2 months now, but I have hope.

[Kaylaq]

Im shutting down, total lethargy! I barely move! So scared of life! So depressed! So angry for going off my meds, my life wasn’t so bad before, now I live in a mental hell!   I don’t deserve this!!!!

I was a helpful person, I helped others, my family, animals! I had days of total joy! I had a life, struggled but it was a good life!!!
 

Now, I can barely help myself! I haven’t moved from my couch in days, the negative thoughts are so overwhelming, I can feel the anger turning inwards, and I can’t seem to stop it! 
 

there are people in worse physical pain, in worse life situations, suffering in war zones, living on the streets, starving, suffering violent abuse, …..

 

I sit here feeling dead inside, even though I have a good roof over my head, food in the fridge, some money, ….. I’m not functioning and it is getting worse!!  I’m not taking responsibility for myself, I know this and yet, the minute I amalone with my thoughts, the panic starts, all I want to do is hide, hide, hide!  Right now I totally hate myself!!!  I have never said this before!!  I hate this experience, I don’t understand this!! How could this happen????? 
 

my body is failing, my brain is failing, my mind is my worse enemy! I don’t have the strength to fight this anymore, …. I feel worthless!!! I’m a Zombie now!  I have never experienced anything like this in my life!!!! 

[Gonzo]

It's all normal @BaccatePlayer, even if it's painful. Many of people here had traumatic experiences with psychiatry in multiple ways, and withdrawal is a traumatic experience. You got this man.

 

[BaccatePlayer]

4 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

Im shutting down, total lethargy! I barely move! So scared of life! So depressed! So angry for going off my meds, my life wasn’t so bad before, now I live in a mental hell!   I don’t deserve this!!!!

I was a helpful person, I helped others, my family, animals! I had days of total joy! I had a life, struggled but it was a good life!!!
 

Now, I can barely help myself! I haven’t moved from my couch in days, the negative thoughts are so overwhelming, I can feel the anger turning inwards, and I can’t seem to stop it! 
 

there are people in worse physical pain, in worse life situations, suffering in war zones, living on the streets, starving, suffering violent abuse, …..

 

I sit here feeling dead inside, even though I have a good roof over my head, food in the fridge, some money, ….. I’m not functioning and it is getting worse!!  I’m not taking responsibility for myself, I know this and yet, the minute I amalone with my thoughts, the panic starts, all I want to do is hide, hide, hide!  Right now I totally hate myself!!!  I have never said this before!!  I hate this experience, I don’t understand this!! How could this happen????? 
 

my body is failing, my brain is failing, my mind is my worse enemy! I don’t have the strength to fight this anymore, …. I feel worthless!!! I’m a Zombie now!  I have never experienced anything like this in my life!!!! 

It's good that you're voicing it out. Taking action, being honest and individual in your expression shakes you a little bit off the burden. First, as you probably realize this is a lot of intense emotions coming from you. It's understandable that you feel desperated and pushed to the edge. The emotions however keep changing, maybe you just unlocked yourself out of some of them and your mind is working on clearing itself.

 

From what I see it's a hard time for all of us, you, me, Maria, Sonia, even with a lot of compassion, knowledge and awareness, we never found a way to beat waves. Remember it's not your fault to feel that way.

 

It's easier to focus on what you can do. Don't feel like you need to carry it all at once. It was you who said "baby steps", it was you who told me "this too shall pass" and "everyday I get healthier" - if you can't believe it now, give yourself a bit more time. Even half an hour and your mindset may drastically change. Think of more things than just your condition: you have a lot of topics around you, just remind yourself they exist. You deserve love and that's actually what you say about waves "all you can do is take care of yourself and surround with lots of self-love".

 

I know you feel broken, but tell yourself you will not snap under all this. I believe in you! I spend a week in bed, then some other one, then some other one, but eventually I could survive outside of it. You will too. I recommend a relaxation podcast for such moments, it both eases overreacting mind and takes it off your symptoms for a while. You did a great job by telling us about your struggles, I'm proud of you!

[Kaylaq]

Thank you, thank you! 🙏🏻 your expression means so much!!!  It really helps, …. Even reading my own words of encouragement to others!  Hanging on, that’s all one can do sometimes!!! 👍🏻🤪🤪 

 

thank you for being here for me!!  

[Dahlia50]

4 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Im shutting down, total lethargy! I barely move! So scared of life! So depressed! So angry for going off my meds, my life wasn’t so bad before, now I live in a mental hell!   I don’t deserve this!!!!

I was a helpful person, I helped others, my family, animals! I had days of total joy! I had a life, struggled but it was a good life!!!

@Kaylaq I feel Exactly the same. Want my life back. My life wasnt this bad on meds (even if side effects this is on another level). I say to myself many times - Why is this happening?

 

4 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Right now I totally hate myself!!!  I have never said this before!!  I hate this experience, I don’t understand this!! How could this happen????? 
 

my body is failing, my brain is failing, my mind is my worse enemy! I don’t have the strength to fight this anymore, …. I feel worthless!!! I’m a Zombie now!  I have never experienced anything like this in my life!!!! 

I feel the same. Dont even understand how this is possible. I feel and understand everything you describe, I am in it too. Sending a hug.

[Kaylaq]

Sending hugs, strength and courage to all of us! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕

[BaccatePlayer]

18 hours ago, Gonzo said:

It's all normal @BaccatePlayer, even if it's painful. Many of people here had traumatic experiences with psychiatry in multiple ways, and withdrawal is a traumatic experience. You got this man.

Just waiting for the day a wave gets so weak it doesn't break me down. Not yet able to resist peak moods. Thank you, Gonzo! These panic blackouts are very traumatizing and I wish I could prevent them, but somehow I'm alive, so I keep going. Maybe it's a matter of very short time before it all stabilizes.

 

13 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Thank you, thank you! 🙏🏻 your expression means so much!!!  It really helps, …. Even reading my own words of encouragement to others!  Hanging on, that’s all one can do sometimes!!! 👍🏻🤪🤪 

 

thank you for being here for me!!  

Good job, Kayla! A crisis brings all of us down, but you're so strong. Your contribution is very inspiring and encouraging. So glad we have you here!

13 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

Why is this happening?

Probably better not to know it really. It's not your job to fix yourself, it happens because your body is always healing any trauma, whether it's a cut, a flu or doctors mindlessly throwing Zoloft at innocent people for money. We may be doing everything right and still feeling worse. Our condition is a spectrum. We may be 30% recovered one day and another day when we're 60% recovered might still be worse because for instance, a menstrual cycle has a word to say. Can you control it? Not really. No one can. The rules are brutal, you may be sabotaging your mood by not getting enough sleep, but if insomnia is a symptom, then you can't blame yourself. Yes, it taxes you directly, but what's up to you is up to you and what isn't, you ideally just let go. I wish I could take that from you, but all I can do is assure you that you'll enjoy the spring sun again, Dahlia. You're always welcome here to tell us about your struggles, just remember you're safe and don't have to do anything. Take care of yourself, don't let symptoms trick you, focus on the outside world and counter any desperation or panic you notice. If you still feel like giving up, just continue anyways. Even the most intense pain eventually ends. We won't leave you alone!

[Carmie]

Hi @BaccatePlayer

 

Just wanted to say you’re such an encouragement on here to others. Also, you write beautifully, have you ever thought about writing a book on something that interests you, or a novel?

 

Sending hugs🤗

[BaccatePlayer]

21 hours ago, Carmie said:

Hi @BaccatePlayer

 

Just wanted to say you’re such an encouragement on here to others. Also, you write beautifully, have you ever thought about writing a book on something that interests you, or a novel?

 

Sending hugs🤗

Hello Carmie! Thank you a lot, that's meaningful since in the ocean of so many victims of meds, I sometimes forget that I'm the mistreated fish myself. I actually happen to be poemwritter and song lyricist, so the verbal means of expressions are always close to my heart. Theatre acting as well. I used to work on a book about personality typology since there was a group who really wanted me to publish one with my descriptions and comparisons, but I became a part of direct consulting to support my friend's project instead. I really appreciate your insights too, it's great to have people like you here!

 

I try to stick to: 1) Daily mental & physical relaxation because panic is the source or at least a kindle to all symptoms 2) Directing rumminations into deliberate thinking aimed at people, tasks and whatever grounds me to the moment 3) Challenging doubts with knowing what is happening. Symptoms can be explained by sensetized nervous system, many others relate to experiencing them and they end everytime without causing any serious threat. 4) Acceptance and patience. Facing the symptoms as they are without compulsive need to take control. 5) Taking care of my overall health, working on traumas, maintaining positive relationships & getting proper rest.

 

Currently even my waves are more like symptoms going on and off instead of everpresent burden as it used to be. Main and probably even the only ones now are panic attacks and depersonalization/derealization locked moods full of terror. Just as this isn't optimal time yet for streneous physical activity, it also isn't for heavy existential and philosophical thinking. I should likely be more grateful for my progress since I'm normally doing laundry, lawn mowing, vaccuum cleaning and seed planting during waves while others fail to get up from bed even during windows. Today I got trapped in the sudden unbearable suffering, but it lasted only around 4 seconds. There's hope, I've beaten my body dysphoria, I've beaten limerence, I'll beat my recovery too!

[Carmie]

Hey @BaccatePlayer, 

 

Well, there you go, I thought you loved to write, or might be a writer of some kind. You have a talent.

 

When you were writing about personality types, what were you writing about? Were you writing about the Myers-Briggs personality types? 
 

It looks like you’ve got good coping strategies, which is nice to see. When going through withdrawals and illnesses, it’s so important to help us find ways to cope. I’m chronically ill and I have to continually find coping strategies. I find EFT really good for processing emotions.

 

I’m happy to read that your waves are bearable, and that you’re fairly functional. I’ve never had panic attacks, they must be awful. 
 

Wishing you all the best in your recovery💛

[BaccatePlayer]

On 4/10/2024 at 6:44 AM, Carmie said:

Hey @BaccatePlayer, 

 

Well, there you go, I thought you loved to write, or might be a writer of some kind. You have a talent.

 

When you were writing about personality types, what were you writing about? Were you writing about the Myers-Briggs personality types? 
 

It looks like you’ve got good coping strategies, which is nice to see. When going through withdrawals and illnesses, it’s so important to help us find ways to cope. I’m chronically ill and I have to continually find coping strategies. I find EFT really good for processing emotions.

 

I’m happy to read that your waves are bearable, and that you’re fairly functional. I’ve never had panic attacks, they must be awful. 
 

Wishing you all the best in your recovery💛

Thank you! Yes, this is also a part of my writing. Often people tag me on a server and ask something like "can you describe how ENFJ EII-C SP/SX 2w3-9w8-7w6 Sanguine-Supine EVFL can act like?" and say that I charm them with my explanations. This is my friend's project and I'm responsible for "finding the words where no one can". I'm having a similair role when it comes to personal coaching in regards to working out and shaping one's body, a spiritual guidance in catholic sphere as well as creative translation.

 

I agree, EFT is very useful, I also use IFS and because I have such sensitivity to noticing how everything is interconnected, I improve these methods and personalize them with custom holistic approach. My parents saw me as therapist in the future, but thing is, when you know a bit of everything, you barely know one thing well enough. For the most part I'm functioning with only a few moments maybe calling for alone time and coping, but there's still a lot to improve. I had my first panic attack in my second month of recovery, this was very frightening and I was sure I'm dying, but I never let that happen again. I have symptoms that make up for "fragmented" or "prolonged at the cost of intensity" panic attacks with some mental agitation going on one day, the next day strange moods kick in, then there's narrow thinking and wierd perception, depersonalization and it keeps being confusing cause the pattern is actually: wave-window-wave-hole-wave-window-wave...

 

Wishing you everything positive too!

[BaccatePlayer]

It's today... 4 full months completed. The window lasted 5 days, the wave at least 3 so far and I believe it's fourth day now. I think the problem started with my note that I wrote during a window:

 

"Starting to feel depressed. Mindset issue. I have great people around, lots of success and passions, but accepting some things doesn't come to me. I'm not how I wanted myself to be. I'm better than that, but in my mind things being on my terms have always been more important than them being good anyhow. I'd completely ignore the recovery since it will be back to normal at some point and I'm already over my breakup, but one thing that I could never live with is my body issues. It's very similair to this recovery but unlike my CNS, these things won't be fixed. I have nerve damage in my toes, my neck is chronicly clicking, milias, scars, badly located raised nevi. All this is stuck at the worst possible conclusion that I could never accept: "not broken enough to be malfunctioning/visible/painful, but not feeling as it used to be". This is very alienating. I could always be one who stays composed and rational in face of death of someone or an accident, but when it comes to something not feeling as before in my body, I detoriate into what I call "resent depression". It's the state I don't even want to exit. I don't want to accept positive things living alongside negative ones. I feel resigned, waiting for death and wanting to throw myself into sacrifice for others cause there is nothing upcoming for me anyways. What kept me going is a hope that it can all be fixed, but it's not achieveable with my inertia. I wish I was already 80, it'd be easier to accept that my body will not be how I used to be".

 

I couldn't sleep for too long, way too much rumminations, even if unrelated to recovery or positive. I have to get over the mood from that note. I desperately tried to simply accept and flow with the waves. The problem is, this technique itself brings the absolute purest suffering out of the symptoms. I'm not sure if this is the right way to go with now. It would be wonderful if I could let the symptoms simply be there, unaffected by thoughts and feelings pushing me to fight them. Except they're not yet bearable and now I wonder if I should go back to coping which is often avoidance because breathing exercises are tools to make symptoms go away without embracing them and seeking support from others at least until the symptoms are no longer breaking me down or should I continue to push through this and insist on accepting symptoms. The thing is, recovery from meds is not exactly the same as desensetizing CNS from health anxiety without withdrawal/adverse reaction. Waves and hypersensitivity to other meds make it a more structured process. Therefore... I'm not really sure. Recovery from drugs happens regardless, so maybe the "coward" way of dealing with symptoms isn't that bad of an idea if I don't feel strong enough yet? The waves are very intense, I mean there are hours when I barely recognize my parents, when any thought is just so out of touch with reality, when I feel so stuck inside with some unbearable mood that I really can't see a hope to accept this in any way. I did a lot of work with countering negative thought patterns and avoiding rumminations, but the peak wave moments are like me being temporarly invaded by something and altered so much that there's only my rational thinking that works, everything else is not to even be felt. I don't even know how long can it take. Another month? Two? Four? Much more than that? I guess I can't really push through the mindset that it doesn't matter to me. It does. The second and third day of a wave should be spent asleep I think. If thoughts are so altered, then it's really cancelling yourself at every turn. If body slows down so much at all fronts, I may as well give it more rest.

 

I've been to doctor and she prescribed opipramol. She says it's the weakest possible med, but I don't plan on even trying it out. The sense of trauma comes from the fact that I don't feel like I survived that wave. I feel like I gave up so many times but couldn't actually give up. If it doesn't improve, then it will continue to traumatize me. Mind and body in a free flow state.

 

I wasn't expecting a wave to be worse than previous one, thus I was sure I'll handle it without breaking down. I felt like I had a serious life threatening mood, huge brain fog, depersonalization, interpreting the image or adjusting the focus, distance of my eyesight, headhands, balance issues, insomnia. I was insisting that I accept it internally, that I don't fear it and I survived like that up to sunday afternoon until I got some wierd attack inside. For 2 or 3 hours I was in some neurological suffering, hard to call it pain, but the burden was so heavy I felt like some total destruction was happening inside me. Phantom limbo falling as well (it's like brain thinking you're dropping from your body failing to register the body didn't go any lower) and it reached the intensity of January waves. Maybe I didn't snap under it more than anyone else would, but I couldn't bear it and it lasted so long, not even sleeping or panic first aid helped (fast enough), so next day I woke up traumatized and my body failing to feel secure again which is probably why it doesn't recover in the first place. My family was busy with guests the whole weekend, I felt aloof at church, my friend was sleeping and the mods here probably don't pripritize me after they saw me providing support to others and knowing all the coping believing they won't help me more than that. Dealing with typical anxiety symptoms is not the same as such "full system operations". I'm tired too. The mind during waves won't produce positive thoughts or moods, let alone after what I went through. Fourth day I still have too much terror and panic inside, way too anxious and alarmed, but at least my thinking isn't that estranging as it used to be. Maybe that whole "accept and observe" made me buy into the symptoms narrative too much. Maybe I really should distract myself instead, but there's no way of doing that during a mass or family meeting. Hadn't had such a bad wave in a month...

[Kaylaq]

We hear you, we see you, we feel you!!! We understand!  Each day we are getting better and better! We are healing!!! There is an end in sight, there has to be!!!! 
🙏🙏🙏💪💪🥰🥰🙏

I send you strength, courage and love to endure another day!! 

[Dahlia50]

@BaccatePlayer I feel the same. 
Mashed and more traumatized, waves every day.

When it comes to my body, it doesent work the same. Like not being in your own body. Feel like 80 years old. Can hardly move and it’s so scary to not functioning. Dont think my body can fix this CNS damage either. 

Hope you get some relief soon… 🙏

[Sonia009]

7 minutes ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer I feel the same. 
Mashed and more traumatized, waves every day.

When it comes to my body, it doesent work the same. Like not being in your own body. Feel like 80 years old. Can hardly move and it’s so scary to not functioning. Dont think my body can fix this CNS damage either. 

Hope you get some relief soon… 🙏

@BaccatePlayerSo sorry you are in a wave again but try not to be despondent, you were in a window for five days so that's really positive, it will happen again. 🙏😊

[BaccatePlayer]

19 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

We hear you, we see you, we feel you!!! We understand!  Each day we are getting better and better! We are healing!!! There is an end in sight, there has to be!!!! 
🙏🙏🙏💪💪🥰🥰🙏

I send you strength, courage and love to endure another day!! 

Thank you lovely! I wish telling this myself would solve everything during downer, but I guess my mind can only do so much. I decided to use coping from now on. The acceptance therapy is probably not ideal for the drug induced symptoms because we heal anyways and we experience waves which aren't like regular anxiety or panic. Obviously that doesn't mean reacting with fear or doubt intentionally, but I'll be using distractions and sleep more. I might have confused accepting with exploring purposely with squeezed fists and clenched teeth which made the signal from symptoms more felt than it would normally be. I hope I'll eventually go through a wave without such trauma. Waves are often 4-5 days long for me with me being awake for 13-15 hours, so every hour survived is a victory. It's about me being prepared for maximum intensity of suffering, estrangement and shock without panicking. The first day is usually just a warning, so I need to start using it as a reminder that for the next 3-4 days I better not introspect at all and counter any triggers right away. Gonna write the full breakdown to always be prepared for the worst. Maybe going to bed early enough or doing relaxation before it escalates could prevent it? The topic about adverse reaction says first several months can be intense, but several can as well mean 5, 6, 7 or even 8. I'll just throw myself into distractions and see where it'll lead me for now.

2 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer I feel the same. 
Mashed and more traumatized, waves every day.

When it comes to my body, it doesent work the same. Like not being in your own body. Feel like 80 years old. Can hardly move and it’s so scary to not functioning. Dont think my body can fix this CNS damage either. 

Hope you get some relief soon… 🙏

 

I really appreciate it Dahlia. I was so scared when I felt I can't feel my mom being my mom in the morning. I impulsively confessed that I love her and hugged her, but my thinking was so estranged I had nowhere to hide in my mind. Seriously it was like doing and saying everything correctly but feeling and thinking completely differently. Too much shock at once. In so much panic last days. I can't stop it. I've read a few topics here and people with adverse reactions usually say they stop getting such waves after around 5 months. That'd be 30 days for me. I was pushed beyond limits, was completely ready to give up too many times. Begging for relief was so intense that I couldn't bear even one thought. Way too serious. Worst is, it was maybe this unbearable for 4 hours max, but I'm so traumatized it feels like I'm prolonging it with my focus on it. Maybe I expect too much from myself... Waves really are no time for thinking about big things.

2 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerSo sorry you are in a wave again but try not to be despondent, you were in a window for five days so that's really positive, it will happen again. 🙏😊

So grateful I have your support. The drop was so strong I completely lost perspective. I either overestimated my endurance or underestimated a wave. The worst wave I ever had. Naturally I asked myself what I did wrong. Some virus is a possibility (my parents had it) but I didn't feel it, undersleeping maybe a bit, too intense thinking, letting myself fall into depression. I don't think silicon and antifungal ointment is to blame. Felt like excess blood in the brain overload. I was walking around when it was starting, I kept asking myself what should I do, what should I think. I knew there was something that would guide me, but I somehow didn't know how to respond. I kept insisting that I accept it cause it's harmless and will cease soon, but then I couldn't focus on the outside any longer. It was too powerful. I headed to bed to listen to panic first aid and try to sleep this through cause I remember it's always anxiety/panic no matter how much it doesn't seem like it. It was sort of a good reaction, but the trauma was very long and hard to get myself off of. The message I missed was "Keep surrounding yourself with life, talk to others, hug them, make plans, visit everything you normally explore, but don't introspect for at least 2.5 days". I may have had not panic, but my mind entered the panic attack mode anyways. It narrowed down my thoughts, my mood was unbearably alien. With destructive symptoms I couldn't stand it any minute longer, but that's because getting out of such attack requires long distraction. My thoughts wanted to go back to this moment and reconstruct it, but it was too early. I'm still vulnerable and in mental tunnel vision. We all have to go through whatever brain prepared for us. I knew perfectly well it's withdrawal, it won't kill me and will pass, but being there in the moment, knowing you won't feel well for days, knowing you can't think about most things, knowing you will be doing things without being there mentally, knowing you are surrounded by people but can't feel their love - no affirmations can outdo it.

[Sonia009]

6 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Thank you lovely! I wish telling this myself would solve everything during downer, but I guess my mind can only do so much. I decided to use coping from now on. The acceptance therapy is probably not ideal for the drug induced symptoms because we heal anyways and we experience waves which aren't like regular anxiety or panic. Obviously that doesn't mean reacting with fear or doubt intentionally, but I'll be using distractions and sleep more. I might have confused accepting with exploring purposely with squeezed fists and clenched teeth which made the signal from symptoms more felt than it would normally be. I hope I'll eventually go through a wave without such trauma. Waves are often 4-5 days long for me with me being awake for 13-15 hours, so every hour survived is a victory. It's about me being prepared for maximum intensity of suffering, estrangement and shock without panicking. The first day is usually just a warning, so I need to start using it as a reminder that for the next 3-4 days I better not introspect at all and counter any triggers right away. Gonna write the full breakdown to always be prepared for the worst. Maybe going to bed early enough or doing relaxation before it escalates could prevent it? The topic about adverse reaction says first several months can be intense, but several can as well mean 5, 6, 7 or even 8. I'll just throw myself into distractions and see where it'll lead me for now.

 

I really appreciate it Dahlia. I was so scared when I felt I can't feel my mom being my mom in the morning. I impulsively confessed that I love her and hugged her, but my thinking was so estranged I had nowhere to hide in my mind. Seriously it was like doing and saying everything correctly but feeling and thinking completely differently. Too much shock at once. In so much panic last days. I can't stop it. I've read a few topics here and people with adverse reactions usually say they stop getting such waves after around 5 months. That'd be 30 days for me. I was pushed beyond limits, was completely ready to give up too many times. Begging for relief was so intense that I couldn't bear even one thought. Way too serious. Worst is, it was maybe this unbearable for 4 hours max, but I'm so traumatized it feels like I'm prolonging it with my focus on it. Maybe I expect too much from myself... Waves really are no time for thinking about big things.

So grateful I have your support. The drop was so strong I completely lost perspective. I either overestimated my endurance or underestimated a wave. The worst wave I ever had. Naturally I asked myself what I did wrong. Some virus is a possibility (my parents had it) but I didn't feel it, undersleeping maybe a bit, too intense thinking, letting myself fall into depression. I don't think silicon and antifungal ointment is to blame. Felt like excess blood in the brain overload. I was walking around when it was starting, I kept asking myself what should I do, what should I think. I knew there was something that would guide me, but I somehow didn't know how to respond. I kept insisting that I accept it cause it's harmless and will cease soon, but then I couldn't focus on the outside any longer. It was too powerful. I headed to bed to listen to panic first aid and try to sleep this through cause I remember it's always anxiety/panic no matter how much it doesn't seem like it. It was sort of a good reaction, but the trauma was very long and hard to get myself off of. The message I missed was "Keep surrounding yourself with life, talk to others, hug them, make plans, visit everything you normally explore, but don't introspect for at least 2.5 days". I may have had not panic, but my mind entered the panic attack mode anyways. It narrowed down my thoughts, my mood was unbearably alien. With destructive symptoms I couldn't stand it any minute longer, but that's because getting out of such attack requires long distraction. My thoughts wanted to go back to this moment and reconstruct it, but it was too early. I'm still vulnerable and in mental tunnel vision. We all have to go through whatever brain prepared for us. I knew perfectly well it's withdrawal, it won't kill me and will pass, but being there in the moment, knowing you won't feel well for days, knowing you can't think about most things, knowing you will be doing things without being there mentally, knowing you are surrounded by people but can't feel their love - no affirmations can outdo it.

@BaccatePlayerI know that feeling of hopelessness, it drags you down for sure. I am at an all-time low at the moment, we just need a glimmer of hope to get us through. Have you tried tagging a moderator? It's very comforting to have their input although you do pretty good at self analysing and you always send a positive note to others. Perhaps you need a little helping hand too.🙏😊

[mariamisery]

I have not been posting. Trying to be strong.  Hope all of you will be better soon. Struggling today. I was getting more breaks from the  awful symptoms but lately they just keep on giving. Distracting is not working. Remind me again, what do you say to yourself to keep pushing and fighting?  Feel so isolated in this situation.  Healing and hope to you all.