BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

18 hours ago, mariamisery said:

Thanks for being here to help me through this process. I have gain insight on so much!  I thought there would be more interactions on this site.  We need all the encouragement we can find  to help us get through.  I don't want to feel desperate but sometimes do.

Interactions happen out of members' will. If you are up for it, approach people by yourself. Probably easiest when someone is 18-25 or bedridden/hospitalized. There are users who are 30+, have families and they usually stay more busy because responsibilities have to be taken care of somehow if they don't have anyone to support them (fully). Also account that mods have multiple posts to read if they follow many people here, so they mainly respond to questions about taper. Once they give you links like coping methods and articles about withdrawal recovery length, they go back to their families and work. It's volunteerily done from their side, so kudos to them anyways. Other users are often suffering too, so they would rather receive support rather than read about someone's symptoms. Besides, basics are rather stable: you just need to wait, abstain from meds unless you're yet to taper, fish oil and magnessium if anything, take care of yourself, sleep well, reduce stress, anxiety, panic and rumminations, keep yourself distracted and remember it will all pass without harming you in the process. Discussing symptoms in detail may bring some more understanding, but ultimately keeps your focus on symptoms topic, so many already have enough of thinking about it. I'm here often because I'm unemployed, family doesn't quite want to listen my complains and I'm in no optimal position to make new friends or dates now. I feel your need for encouragement and it's obviously the only place where you don't feel lonely with your condition, but it's small community and at the end of the day it's still just conversating with strangers who wish to be recovered. We're still up to ourselves to deal with our symptoms and many have numerous more important people in their lives who they'd rather spend time with.

[mariamisery]

You sent a response to another question  right after I just sent the last one. In reality I need to  step away from this site. At some point we all will heal and that is it. My conversations will not bring healing even though it brings understanding.  As you pointed out my panic  living is obvious.  I discuss my pain but it does not leave. I must break the habit.  People do have a life and responsibilities and no time to discuss symptoms.  Thanks for the wake up. Must keep telling myself this awful living is temporary. 

[Kaylaq]

We are all doing the best we can! I post when it’s unbearable and need to connect to another person. The fear is the worst! 
 

without this site I would be in serious trouble, it has helped me to stay alive!! Also, when I read about others suffering I can step away from myself and be there for them!! 
 

we also need somewhere to post where we feel safe and understood.  

[Gonzo]

Yeah, moral support is always needed but specially during withdrawal and difficult times, the problem is that the support we can find here is a tiny amount of the support we really need and deserve because the people around us, physically, don't support us or they don't do it the way we need to.

[mariamisery]

I agree with you Gonzo and Kaylaq.  Families can't really identify with this situation.  However we identify with each others pain. Just keep posting since it is helping you cope. If just one person responds it helps. Thankful for BaccatePlayer who gives so many hope. 

[BaccatePlayer]

13 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

You sent a response to another question  right after I just sent the last one. In reality I need to  step away from this site. At some point we all will heal and that is it. My conversations will not bring healing even though it brings understanding.  As you pointed out my panic  living is obvious.  I discuss my pain but it does not leave. I must break the habit.  People do have a life and responsibilities and no time to discuss symptoms.  Thanks for the wake up. Must keep telling myself this awful living is temporary. 

Don't get me wrong, it's good that you seek understanding and support, just don't get addicted to instant feedback because panic always waits for something, always wants more fixations and can't be satisfied. Thing is we don't need an actual rescue. The correct message our mind is missing is that we can go on with our lives as long as we don't overstress ourselves. We're safe and not broken. Invite yourself to real life, so it makes you feel a part of it, it's the sphere of rumminations that needs to get normalized, not your actual life to get pathologized.

 

6 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

We are all doing the best we can! I post when it’s unbearable and need to connect to another person. The fear is the worst! 
 

without this site I would be in serious trouble, it has helped me to stay alive!! Also, when I read about others suffering I can step away from myself and be there for them!! 
 

we also need somewhere to post where we feel safe and understood.  

And this seems to be the healthiest compromise. During downer moment this is very beneficial cause we already are too deep into our suffering when it's unbearable, so others can bring us to life with understanding unlike families of many of us. Some encouragement sent to others when we are in a window can be therapeutic, just remember the symptoms can go away any moment, but we here don't. I also can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I never discovered this site. But we're strong enough to face any challenge. Each of us. Never doubt it.

 

9 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, moral support is always needed but specially during withdrawal and difficult times, the problem is that the support we can find here is a tiny amount of the support we really need and deserve because the people around us, physically, don't support us or they don't do it the way we need.

That's exactly it. We are valid in what we feel and there's nothing inhuman in our reactions. Sometimes we are both suffering during recovery and are actual therapists to each other because no understanding is there to be found elsewhere. Everyone deserves to hear that there's a valid human in you.

[Gonzo]

Moral support is what we really needed to deal with our real and original life problems and what psychiatry didn't give to us, we were just drugged and chemically deceived, suppressed, that's what "treating" the "symptoms" is about, so we definitely need to morally support each other in these dehumanized societies.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

I agree with you Gonzo and Kaylaq.  Families can't really identify with this situation.  However we identify with each others pain. Just keep posting since it is helping you cope. If just one person responds it helps. Thankful for BaccatePlayer who gives so many hope. 

Have you tried showing the forum to your family? I did a few times and they sort of got the basics, but still believe I shouldn't make a big issue of it if I know it won't harm me and will pass with time. Constructive posting is needed and activity is priceless during critical moments. I had to work hard to put myself out of pity-posting but eventually healthy approach to both forum and life has been formed. Feel appreciated yourself too, Maria.

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Moral support is what we really needed to deal with our real and original life problems and what psychiatry didn't give to us, we were just drugged and chemically deceived, suppressed, that's what "treating" the "symptoms" is about, so we definitely need to morally support each other in these dehumanized societies.

I think I found a solution or at least a way of disarming the trapping moods. When I get out of distraction, I sometimes feel like my thoughts got forcefully narrowed down, but that's a result of mind getting into some focus. My thoughts really do go narrow or more precisely quiet to other topics when I pay attention to one thing. Processing is delayed, that's cognitive symptom. No wonder I don't have access to elaborated thoughts since my mind didn't catch up at the moment. I can still think whatever, the rest is just panic.

 

I hate that loneliness triggers depersonalized states. I sometimes need to be misunderstood, I really crave that because I always thought of myself as being to week to stand in opposition to someone. I was always a good student, a faithful, docile listener who picked up phrases someone used and adopted them so a teacher, parent or priest believes I understand them and think alike. When I feel frustration, resent towards my parents and decide to appear strong despite feeling burdened by symptoms, the next day depersonalization attack starts. Knowing that this is real doesn't make it go away nor changes it back to something recognizable, but it's at least feeling personal. I think panic is the closest feeling because the regular experience of panic attack is about feeling trapped and blinded by one concern. I believe that's why I feel traumatized after surviving a wave. That's because when panic attack ends this is the feeling that appears. I secretely panic of being rejected it seems.

 

I feel sick today, various mood states, estranging as ever and unpleasant feelings bounce back and forth. Headaches and drowsiness as well. Feels like about to collapse. I'm glad I never doubted reality of my experiences. I always knew something was off, something not right on a scale that's impossible to mistake with something else. Parents may disbelieved, psychiatrist may gaslighted me, but I knew I wasn't just scared or panicking. The journey is very long. I wish I could be anxious in a way that feels home. Not this confusing torpedo, but standard anxiety. I know it's there and one day just like scabbed hand feels wierd but eventually becomes our real hand, it will feel the same as before. This forum is a proof I trusted myself and seeked help. I deserve support and people who go through this nightmare deserve it too. Society I live in teaches everyone they're smaller, less important than the system. I was always afraid to tell I'm being bullied, I felt trapped during school plays because I couldn't even report I need to go to bathroom, I felt I'm not allowed to interrupt. Now I grew up to follow my gut feeling. My life, my wellbeing is more important than what neighbours or family will think about me. This is not my defeat, this is just critical phase and I will be back never letting myself be gaslighted again.

 

 

[Sonia009]

47 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I think I found a solution or at least a way of disarming the trapping moods. When I get out of distraction, I sometimes feel like my thoughts got forcefully narrowed down, but that's a result of mind getting into some focus. My thoughts really do go narrow or more precisely quiet to other topics when I pay attention to one thing. Processing is delayed, that's cognitive symptom. No wonder I don't have access to elaborated thoughts since my mind didn't catch up at the moment. I can still think whatever, the rest is just panic.

 

I hate that loneliness triggers depersonalized states. I sometimes need to be misunderstood, I really crave that because I always thought of myself as being to week to stand in opposition to someone. I was always a good student, a faithful, docile listener who picked up phrases someone used and adopted them so a teacher, parent or priest believes I understand them and think alike. When I feel frustration, resent towards my parents and decide to appear strong despite feeling burdened by symptoms, the next day depersonalization attack starts. Knowing that this is real doesn't make it go away nor changes it back to something recognizable, but it's at least feeling personal. I think panic is the closest feeling because the regular experience of panic attack is about feeling trapped and blinded by one concern. I believe that's why I feel traumatized after surviving a wave. That's because when panic attack ends this is the feeling that appears. I secretely panic of being rejected it seems.

 

I feel sick today, various mood states, estranging as ever and unpleasant feelings bounce back and forth. Headaches and drowsiness as well. Feels like about to collapse.

@BaccatePlayer Hi, that's how I've been feeling today, headache, extremely tired, on the verge of collapse. Makes me wonder if it's the Citalopram, withdrawal or panic. How do we know for sure. I'm fed up of trying to work it out.

Sorry you still suffering.

 

 

 

47 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

 

I'm glad I never doubted reality of my experiences. I always knew something was off, something not right on a scale that's impossible to mistake with something else. Parents may disbelieved, psychiatrist may gaslighted me, but I knew I wasn't just scared or panicking. The journey is very long. I wish I could be anxious in a way that feels home. Not this confusing torpedo, but standard anxiety. I know it's there and one day just like scabbed hand feels wierd but eventually becomes our real hand, it will feel the same as before. This forum is a proof I trusted myself and seeked help. I deserve support and people who go through this nightmare deserve it too. Society I live in teaches everyone they're smaller, less important than the system. I was always afraid to tell I'm being bullied, I felt trapped during school plays because I couldn't even report I need to go to bathroom, I felt I'm not allowed to interrupt. Now I grew up to follow my gut feeling. My life, my wellbeing is more important than what neighbours or family will think about me. This is not my defeat, this is just critical phase and I will be back never letting myself be gaslighted again.

 

 

H

[BaccatePlayer]

4 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Hi, that's how I've been feeling today, headache, extremely tired, on the verge of collapse. Makes me wonder if it's the Citalopram, withdrawal or panic. How do we know for sure. I'm fed up of trying to work it out.

Sorry you still suffering.

Hi Sonia! I'm sorry you are going through it as well. Better not to dwell on it for too long unless you are on a way to figure out a plan for your next moves. If you are wondering if it's withdrawal, I believe it's safe to assume these are the symptoms and not even from the uncommon column. As for panic, whether it is that or not, it can contribute and trying to calm your body as well as mind wouldn't hurt if you can allow yourself to spend time on it. Panic can always make it all worse and since we're almost wired to be hyperalerted during recovery, it may really help to have everyday routine aimed at reducing panic and anxiety. If you're not sure if you taper correctly, it's best to ask mods about it. I'm not familair with exact times needed to judge whether instability worsened after changing doses but if you have notes about your symptoms and activities throughout the day, moderators should be able to guide you reasonably.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Thanks for replying. I'm trying not to panic but I just don't understand these symptoms. You mentioned you felt like collapsing today, how did you deal with it? Do you accept it as being withdrawal?

[Gonzo]

I really think withdrawal brings back in many cases buried traumatic mental and emotional states, in many, many cases. Finding their meaning and origin can be an extremely difficult task, but the thing is to acknowledge that they're meaningful, logical, one way or another, saying the opposite is telling to ourselves that we are crazy, like psychiatry says.

[BaccatePlayer]

8 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Thanks for replying. I'm trying not to panic but I just don't understand these symptoms. You mentioned you felt like collapsing today, how did you deal with it? Do you accept it as being withdrawal?

It's best to refrain from attempting to understand symptoms. They really don't make sense if you focus on their literal message. I was feeling like back of my head was being pulled and limbs seemingly lacking more and more blood, it's similair to feeling goosebumps except it feels like losing power, losing battery or something and forecasting it will just drop to zero energy until I collapse. I knew this is withdrawal symptom, had it a few times already and I just ignored it. I kept talking to my sister, but I was looking at the mirror few times. This helped me see that my body stays in place, it doesn't look like losing energy. I was considering blood sugar drops, but it's really not a good idea to fixate on reasons of symptoms since food doesn't affect it too much. Meds do, but I'm clean, so I knew I won't pass out and I don't need to react. It used to be much worse in the past, today felt more like flu.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Thanks, I wish I could reason like you. I'll note now you coped so that I can put it into practice. It's like the fight or flight thing when it happens, I chose to flee.  Your thoughts are much appreciated.

[mariamisery]

I can't wait for this to all go away. We all are suffering much. I find the trapped sensations to be one of the worst. Trying to cope by not paying attention to it. Not working. Feeling so discouraged and defeated. Why don't these things feel temporary?

[BaccatePlayer]

7 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

I can't wait for this to all go away. We all are suffering much. I find the trapped sensations to be one of the worst. Trying to cope by not paying attention to it. Not working. Feeling so discouraged and defeated. Why don't these things feel temporary?

I had these thoughts today as well. I feel like I'm split in half with the physical me functioning as always and the inside me which is everything I feel malfunctions from day one of recovery up to now. The trap sensation when on pair with narrowing thoughts seems like a forced focus of some phantom panic attack. Another dimension experience and it's so intangible that it all feels very out of sync with what's actually going on. Like having itchy hand inside a glove, so you can't really reach it. Distractions also didn't work for me because it's simply too intense and reaches everything, so overwhelming that it's above 50% of actual thoughts and strips you out of control. Sometimes I'm so pushed to the edge that I feel really all that's left that doesn't malfunction is my external body. Everything inside so pulled inside those doom, psychotic-like states that I can't escape it with my focus even if I'm maximally busy. It doesn't feel temporary because recovery forces such mood states. When I try to imagine going through it in a window I tell myself "come on Tomasz, you know everything you need to, don't let it break you next time" and when that popped out, I had that awareness, but it was still unbearable. One thing I managed to do is telling myself not to freak out about it later and it worked. I don't go back to this experience with traumatic response. There were so many times I begged for a given symptom to never appear again because I felt completely broken and I had to go through even worse times. I was losing motivation however I realized this is not how I feel normally. Maybe a wave is starting cause my head feels like growing on the sides, nausea, faint feelings and drowsiness persist, but this is not my baseline, I rightfully expect to feel better. I can't buy it as default even if I woke up like that today. It already takes ages and who knows how long is yet in front of me (in 17 days I'll reach 4 months total) but there's no other choice. I either live like this or die. Even knowing that everything reminds me of that girl and any other thought brings me to rumminating about symptoms, this cannot last forever. I can't think that it's this intense 24/7. There are moments, "cramps" that make me fall, but I look at the mirror and see I'm there. Soon Maria, soon...

[mariamisery]

Thanks so much.  You explain the feeling  completely.  Also, the only choice is to deal or die.  I am forever grateful for your presence in this storm. You are helping me to stay afloat. All of yesterday was a window.  Was hoping no more waves. So sorry for your suffering.  I love that you said soon Maria soon. I want to embrace this but the suffering blinds me to the truth.  When this happens to you do you just allow it to just pass? Do you get a window one day and then a wave ? I still don't understand why it makes me feel weak. 

[BaccatePlayer]

13 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Thanks so much.  You explain the feeling  completely.  Also, the only choice is to deal or die.  I am forever grateful for your presence in this storm. You are helping me to stay afloat. All of yesterday was a window.  Was hoping no more waves. So sorry for your suffering.  I love that you said soon Maria soon. I want to embrace this but the suffering blinds me to the truth. 

This is a real challenge to accept it. It's like you are held as a hostage and need to comply with doing many things you don't want to do or stay restricted until you're rescued. Our natural reaction is to reject it at first. Especially since you know how many times you've gone throught it already and how painful it is. Whatever happens remember you don't need to fight alone. You can drop everything and remind yourself that there's no threat. It won't stay like this. It won't turn into anything worse no matter if you lie down, walk across the rooms or start crying. Imagine there's a hand stroking your head or arms embracing you, so that you can hide from every suffering safely. Feel the warmth, feel that you refuse to believe it can win you over. Show it the way out cause you know this is not your recovered state yet and you have right to demand feeling better. It's hard to navigate it by yourself, so maybe wear a bracelet reminding you of some guidance. Maybe write it down for your future suffering self, maybe record a voice message instructing you, maybe read your own or someone else's topic here when you felt at peace after someone reached out. It is just a crisis and you're not guilty of it. There's no need for you to know why or how it works because the suffering is not expected. It shouldn't be there, so don't feel like it's a permanent part of you. It's like going through a shower. You're completely bare, maybe with eyes closed, you're going through a cleaning. It doesn't feel like you're already clean cause you're still being washed. The healing mechanism inside touches your nerves, isn't delicate with it, but it works as fast as it could to set you free. Always think of it as going from one phase of recovery to another. You're not going backwards, you're just still not there. You can always say that out loud. I had a nightmare today and screamed at night. Maybe you spend your suffering in quiet. Sometimes breaking through that silence makes a difference. It's not just you and doom, it's you being a part of a very big community that wants you to feel yourself again.

 

58 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

When this happens to you do you just allow it to just pass? Do you get a window one day and then a wave ? I still don't understand why it makes me feel weak.

I don't think there's any real option to react. When you have burned hand you can shake it, put it in cold water, but this is something that simply alters your experience of yourself. The only thing you can really do is tell someone what you feel, get included by others with full acceptance or if you're alone, work with a panic first aid podcast. Even if you don't feel anxious, whatever takes your mind off your suffering buys you some time. I can't predict waves and windows. Lately I feel what's being repaired is my mood and even after one wave, then another one it's still not fixed. Therefore I barely feel non-waves days are windows. Something is always not how it's supposed to be. I usually have 3-9 days waves and barely 2 days windows. A through or a hole is where I spend most of my time, not quite a wave, but not a window either. This won't be consistent although most agree windows should be getting longer and more frequent in favour of waves. It wants you to believe you're weak, but you're not. Tell yourself this each time, no matter what you're going through. You have all of us with our hands on your shoulders believing you'll get there.

[mariamisery]

You are the strength I want to be .😊..Thank you! I am healing and can get through this. I must say that the waves are calmer than what they use to be but no matter waves are difficult  I hope you get large windows soon.  

[Gonzo]

@mariamisery maybe you could try to find some meaning in those mental and emotional states, to see if they're related to your past or present life experiences. Maybe it helps.

[mariamisery]

Thanks I do think about that. I hope you are having a day that is manageable. 

[Gonzo]

I'm having a rough days to be honest. I'm pretty exhausted.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

I'm having a rough days to be honest. I'm pretty exhausted.

Remember you don't have to do it all by yourself. Handling crisises is what you deserve to rest after. You can always share your struggles with trusted ones.

 

I encountered part of my trauma now. Each time my dad or my uncle asked me to do something I had to comply. It's not even a matter of me not wanting to support others, but I gave up literally everything for them, I was always doing my best... and they take me for granted. My father never trusted that I pay attention, that I want to be precise, that I care. I could show that I already resigned from my rights, that I really can't do things any better and they kept intimmidating me. I hate how I have so much fear of them. There was never an escape. I could run to my room and I'd be pulled back to do things exactly as asked. Then they'd triumph over me that they were right, that I'll never be sufficient on my own, that I can neither save myself nor even have any proof that I was hurt. I was denied the right to feel a victim. Now I had gone through it again. Nobody cares that I'm turning 26, for them I'm always no one. When drunk they're even worse, so I know that's what they think about me for real. They never respected anyone, especially women, but even I turned out to be too flawed. This would not be a problem on its own, but I hope symptoms will not torture me extra for experiencing it. This is how I feel during attacks: pushed to the edge, helpless, unable to voice out that I disagree out of fear of punishment being harsher. I just want these symptoms to end. Not a year or four years later, but within next weeks. I already have circumstances that don't allow me to externalize my frustration and fear. If recovery will keep taking so long, I wouldn't even be able to internalize them either...

[Sonia009]

41 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Remember you don't have to do it all by yourself. Handling crisises is what you deserve to rest after. You can always share your struggles with trusted ones.

 

I encountered part of my trauma now. Each time my dad or my uncle asked me to do something I had to comply. It's not even a matter of me not wanting to support others, but I gave up literally everything for them, I was always doing my best... and they take me for granted. My father never trusted that I pay attention, that I want to be precise, that I care. I could show that I already resigned from my rights, that I really can't do things any better and they kept intimmidating me. I hate how I have so much fear of them. There was never an escape. I could run to my room and I'd be pulled back to do things exactly as asked. Then they'd triumph over me that they were right, that I'll never be sufficient on my own, that I can neither save myself nor even have any proof that I was hurt. I was denied the right to feel a victim. Now I had gone through it again. Nobody cares that I'm turning 26, for them I'm always no one. When drunk they're even worse, so I know that's what they think about me for real. They never respected anyone, especially women, but even I turned out to be too flawed.

 

@BaccatePlayer You are your own person now, you are very intelligent and I'm quite sure are capable of making your own choices and decisions, regardless of what family members think. You only have to read your posts to see how confident and assured you are in helping and reassuring others. It doesn't matter what those family members think any more, you know you are better than they think you are. I think you have been a wonderful help to many here, you should be a moderator.

 

41 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

his would not be a problem on its own, but I hope symptoms will not torture me extra for experiencing it. This is how I feel during attacks: pushed to the edge, helpless, unable to voice out that I disagree out of fear of punishment being harsher. I just want these symptoms to end. Not a year or four years later, but within next weeks. I already have circumstances that don't allow me to externalize my frustration and fear. If recovery will keep taking so long, I wouldn't even be able to internalize them either...

 

[Gonzo]

What I realized is how many of these horrible feelings and emotions are of a moral nature, because of social oppression and alienation, I think it's common in many people here.

 

What you just described @BaccatePlayer is exactly why I say that we need and needed moral support to overcome our life struggles, and why psychiatry never helped with anything but just suppressed us.

 

It's a moral fight and it always has been, for many of us at least and while we were drugged we were incapacitated to fight it, to fight for our legitimate rights.

 

This is what psychiatry does to victims and innocent people.

[mariamisery]

Why are the waves always changing? Today wave is an overload of emotions. I also believe that what makes the wave worst is my emotions of wanting this to all go away. Lots of frustration and fear of it still being here tomorrow.  Why can't we take comfort that this is all temporary?

[Gonzo]

Maybe those painful feelings and emotions are trying to tell you something @mariamisery.

[Kaylaq]

Because our emotions are not numbed anymore from meds, they are intense!  The best way to deal with them is to just let them pass through! The emotions and feelings come from our thoughts, and now our brains are in overload!   I know easier said then done!  
don’t become too attached to them as they will be different later or tomorrow! 
our bodies/brain are out of wack so too then are our emotions. 
 

this too shall pass, this too shall pass! At least that’s what I hang on too!  Struggling here also! 
 

💪💪💪💪🥰🥰🥰🥰

[Kaylaq]

@BaccatePlayer they too have thier own demons to deal with, …when people are not okay with themselves then they lash out at others, not an excuse, just what I have learned!  That’s why it is so important to focus on creating the life you want for yourself despite how your family treats you, despite the pain they have caused. 
 

so sorry you are struggling with intense feelings. family abuse/trauma is the worse!!!! 
💪💪🙏🏻🙏🏻💗💗

 

 

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer You are your own person now, you are very intelligent and I'm quite sure are capable of making your own choices and decisions, regardless of what family members think. You only have to read your posts to see how confident and assured you are in helping and reassuring others. It doesn't matter what those family members think any more, you know you are better than they think you are. I think you have been a wonderful help to many here, you should be a moderator.

Thank you a lot, Sonia! I'm currently trying to focus on getting recovered enough to bear any challenge and even up to this day reading about someone else's symptoms and how long they suffer is a bit of a struggle to me, but I will consider that in the future. I never really had great social skills, my whole high school I barely spoke. Some of my classmates still believe I'm completely mute. I had to work on my approach or I'd totally got lost, believe I'm crazy and keep worsening my symptoms. I just don't want such nightmare to be happening to any of you.

 

2 hours ago, Gonzo said:

What I realized is how many of these horrible feelings and emotions are of a moral nature, because of social oppression and alienation, I think it's common in many people here.

 

What you just described @BaccatePlayer is exactly why I say that we need and needed moral support to overcome our life struggles, and why psychiatry never helped with anything but just suppressed us.

 

It's a moral fight and it always has been, for many of us at least and while we were drugged we were incapacitated to fight it, to fight for our legitimate rights.

 

This is what psychiatry does to victims and innocent people.

This extends to everything: parenting, public education. Obviously psychiatry is what hit us the most directly, but we need warriors like you to be aware of this. Thank you for setting the right example for us!

 

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

Why are the waves always changing? Today wave is an overload of emotions. I also believe that what makes the wave worst is my emotions of wanting this to all go away. Lots of frustration and fear of it still being here tomorrow.  Why can't we take comfort that this is all temporary?

This is actually a very good sign, Maria. Think of it, would you like a scar to stay red all the time or would you rather see it turning pink and then eventually white? You're in a bad state, you want it to change, so changes do happen inside you. I'm pretty sure the topic about waves here has a link to a blog where waves are being described as physical first and emotional later. This was mostly consistent for me and I think it's about the trauma aspect of waves. You notice how hard, often unbearable symptoms are and then you develop trauma about it. Trauma is a result of we not being able to process an event, it happening without consent and it surpassing our tolerance. Here you have exactly that: waves throw symptoms at you which you can't understand, you never wanted that and it's draining enough so that you don't forget about it. On top of that it keeps happening, so you're rightfully emotionally broken after a wave sucks up all your reserves. Desperation is completely understandable, just be sure to react in a way that doesn't make you suffer more than you already have to. I know from your perspective lying in hospital with a broken leg and knowing others can do all the things may seem more favourable in comparison, but it sadly is this sort of situation now, just of different nature. You're restricted but alive and complain about the symptoms for months until you're recovered - that's it. It sounds simple except you feel it in the most personal way. I get such impatience throughout the day multiple times, but feeding such rumminations will only create a spiral of stress worsening your symptoms and making you even more scared and annoyed by your progress. Hot system is very typical for kids, they start crying and demand instant gratification. Right now this is your enemy along with everything stimulating. Your processing should be free of high pace, so when you're desperate, set the low tempo of everything: take a long bath, say the alphabet with one letter each 5 seconds, watch the tree reacting to a wind. Basically don't let your thoughts ride high speed. Demand silence in your mind. After a while it will persist again, so you quiet it as many times as needed. I personally radically accepted given amount of days like 50 or 100 and kept telling myself that I postpone thinking until I reach that date. "Will I recover by then? Maybe, maybe not, but I will likely be in much better state then and capable of handling my impatience well enough" - that's what I thought. It worked. I had less pressure on myself and could quick sim my doubts throughout the day making my memories containing more % of actual life than recovery. If you stop and reflect on withdrawal 20 times during a day, a single day seems much longer and more painful than it really was. I promise you days keep passing quicker for me now, you just have to put some work on your perspective. Even during a wave, grab something significant like a towel in front of a mirror and tell yourself it is not that bad fully meaning it. This way your brain will start ignoring even such moments because you don't just stack memories of "argh, still not there, "argh, why it takes so long?" but most of your time you are regular Maria going through a day. Obviously don't expect it to be easy or even to fix everything (right away), but neither I nor you can shrink your recovery time, intensity of waves or predict its length, but since you know you won't die nor get worse, you can at least try, nothing to lose.

 

20 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

@BaccatePlayer they too have thier own demons to deal with, …when people are not okay with themselves then they lash out at others, not an excuse, just what I have learned!  That’s why it is so important to focus on creating the life you want for yourself despite how your family treats you, despite the pain they have caused. 
 

so sorry you are struggling with intense feelings. family abuse/trauma is the worse!!!! 
💪💪🙏🏻🙏🏻💗💗

You're right, Kaylaq. I can't blame myself for the past, but I can go with my new insights and work on better tommorow. At least there's hope that I can recover and don't let it shape my directions in wrong way. Much appreciation, sending lots of love and resilence!

[mariamisery]

Thanks . I agree that a lot is coming from my thoughts.  My waves are getting better but still annoying and  uncomfortable.  I  believe healing is taking place in us all. We don't see it because  there is always symptoms of some sort blinding us.

[mariamisery]

BaccatePlayer so sorry you are dealing with a lot. Things will get better. You  are very valuable.  Always know your worth.  Sending you lots of hope and encouragement!!!

[BaccatePlayer]

On 3/31/2024 at 8:56 PM, mariamisery said:

Thanks . I agree that a lot is coming from my thoughts.  My waves are getting better but still annoying and  uncomfortable.  I  believe healing is taking place in us all. We don't see it because  there is always symptoms of some sort blinding us.

Health is among basic needs. A starving human will not want to think about anything else than getting food until they get it. This is a correct reaction to demand feeling better. When it goes on and on for months, it's simply exhausting. Add any other worry on top of it and we're basically stuck in overload mode.

 

On 3/31/2024 at 9:09 PM, mariamisery said:

BaccatePlayer so sorry you are dealing with a lot. Things will get better. You  are very valuable.  Always know your worth.  Sending you lots of hope and encouragement!!!

I'm so grateful for having angels like you here. Thank you! I tried to unclog my ear and now it's so full I can only hear tinnitus. Eating, sleeping or thinking about what's going on, all irritating today. Also my laptop stopped working, so I can only watch the time passing. I was talking with Kai and he feels much better, so maybe in a month I'll get to the decent point too. Unless a wave starts within hours, there's a chance this is going to be my longest window so far with 4 days in total. Waves don't really improve much, after a stressful time they're 5-8 days long, after unbothered window they're 3-5 days. Hard to keep track because often looking three waves back is looking at over a month back making it (hopefully) outdated evaluation of my condition. My mom says I may just be sick because it's April and I'm often having allergic-like flu each year around that time. I doubt it but this may still be coming a bit later this month.

 

Milestone I'm looking for: have waves and windows of equal ratio (4 days each) and never reach the breaking point of moods "taking me into another dimension" again.

 

Symptoms and associated coping strategies for upcoming days:

 

• headaches, nausea, tinnitus, memory & balance issues - ignorance by distractions,

• wierd moods and triggering thoughts - avoiding rumminations, slowing down tempo of thinking, approaching the triggers again after a break with reconstructed conclusions,

• mental akathisia - daily progressive muscle relaxation,

• desperation, painful feelings - radically aknowledging that even if it was like that all the time and even worse I would deal with it, so no realizations could break me.

[Arisotura]

Just wanted to say hi and wish you a hasty recovery, or something of that sort -- I don't know how to word this well.

 

I can definitely relate to the "moods taking you into another dimension" part. It can feel overwhelming. I find that something silly like binging on Youtube Shorts is a good way to keep myself distracted during such episodes, but my brain never stops thinking regardless.

 

I see you're having ear problems and I've also been having these for a couple years now. I wonder what it is about withdrawals that cause these.

[mariamisery]

It has to get better.  Doing this everyday is very hard.  I hope you achieve your goals. Hope the windows and waves balance out. Even better , no more waves.  The breathing for me especially in morning is still an issue. I do breathing exercises but that doesn't help. This journey gets unbearable at times. I am doing my best to get through.  I know that you are doing the same.