BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

43 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerI think it's difficult for family to understand, my mother doesn't for sure. It's so hard to get it across to people, if they haven't experienced it themselves they think It's something you can just snap yourself out of. Listening to Shaan's videos yesterday, he talked about the sensitized nervous system and that it's not a quick fix, for some it can take many months, years even. I think it's something we have to accept for now and just try to carry on in the best way we can regardless. I hope you find relief soon.😊🙏

Even doctors don't get it. My mom sort of accepted "it is what it is" and just tells others "he claims meds poisoned him and he won't take them anymore". I said there's a regular withdrawal and there's the withdrawal we're facing here. One is just a few symptoms for a week or month and the other is an actual injury that like you said once happens can last for months or years. I would just accept it but it literally makes me live like disabled, a plant that looks like he could do everything but in practise stays heavily dependant on lots of restrictions and suffers even then. It's getting better, so I wait for the time it's finally bearable. Thank you Sonia, that really means a lot to me during this difficult time.

[Sonia009]

16 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Even doctors don't get it. My mom sort of accepted "it is what it is" and just tells others "he claims meds poisoned him and he won't take them anymore". I said there's a regular withdrawal and there's the withdrawal we're facing here. One is just a few symptoms for a week or month and the other is an actual injury that like you said once happens can last for months or years. I would just accept it but it literally makes me live like disabled, a plant that looks like he could do everything but in practise stays heavily dependant on lots of restrictions and suffers even then. It's getting better, so I wait for the time it's finally bearable. Thank you Sonia, that really means a lot to me during this difficult time.

It's slow and extremely frustrating but we will get there, we have to believe that because we will. There are so many things I want to do, I want to walk my dog, drive my car, take my mother for outings. Just give it more time. Stay strong.😊🙏

[Kaylaq]

Hi 👋 my heart goes out to both of you! I know how hard it is to have family that doesn’t understand the complexity of what is going on inside our bodies cause they can’t see it!  
 

I send strength, courage, resilience and so much love to all of to us to endure one day at time!!!  We will hang on to hope and we will survive this & be okay!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕

[BaccatePlayer]

 

 

7 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

It's slow and extremely frustrating but we will get there, we have to believe that because we will. There are so many things I want to do, I want to walk my dog, drive my car, take my mother for outings. Just give it more time. Stay strong.😊🙏

 

I don't doubt it. I technically could do all these things (though I'm atracious at driving a car), but obviously would have been better if not for symptoms and everpresent sense of being "ill". Not to mention I'm lacking stress tolerance. I managed to go through whole three weeks without compromising much (except of course working out and sexual activity) but I think it's not really worth it yet. It's not something I can ignore and fighting it is a tough task. Maybe... I should run another test? Do very little, think very little and only go where absolutely necessary? If I improved so much, maybe this would click even more? I don't want to become avoidant but it's not like I'm afraid of going out. I'm afraid of having to deal with symptoms while being out. My mom sees me doing more as a sign of getting back to life, but... if it worsens symptoms, why would I? Maybe I'm not far away from having bearable waves and it's a matter of two, three weeks spend on rest mode?

4 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Hi 👋 my heart goes out to both of you! I know how hard it is to have family that doesn’t understand the complexity of what is going on inside our bodies cause they can’t see it!  
 

I send strength, courage, resilience and so much love to all of to us to endure one day at time!!!  We will hang on to hope and we will survive this & be okay!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕

Thank you, I hope you have decent shot of positive energy too! I wish there was some big, highly interactive group like discord server to share understanding of such situation. My family would probably understand good enough, but if it were going on for months and months they would probably forget about its source and call it "me being me" at some point.

[BaccatePlayer]

I think I'm dealing with a wave now. I've been completely disregulated. Morning I was totally confused, like couldn't focus, couldn't process what's going on around, multitasking dead, got that forced narrowing of scope of thinking, felt insane and trapped forever. Terrible suffering inside and I couldn't organize my thoughts. Went to sleep and after some time it got slightly better. Heartrate was noticeable and I felt back of my head lacking blood when I was sleeping. Then I was feeling barely alive, walking seemed taxing, but when I stopped thinking it worked better. Like at least when I walk around letting thoughts just flow, there is no pain or burden. I only feel my head mildly gripped on the sides, but the chemical burden almost completely gone. These another dimension moods are horrible though and hard to find many worse symptoms than these. I wonder how to even reassure myself during such moments and when it's literally present as I wake up I can't even notice it as a symptom and instead believe this is always like this. Neuroemotions tricked me again. My sight is worse when I look far away sometimes, heartbeat lagging and I have some phantom cut tongue feeling, which usually indicates a wave when new symptoms appear or old ones reappear. Still, I feel much more functional than during last wave. Things look extremely promising and I'd be surprised by how quickly it changes but then again, it's already sixtheenth week. I still need to be careful because following days can bring many different symptoms. Can't wait until I'm fully recovered, although waves and vulnerability of my organism is what concerns me most.

[mariamisery]

Hi there. Sorry you are in an awful wave. I hate  I had one yesterday.   16 weeks, it will not be much longer for you. Today I am in a window with main symptom of feeling some nervousness.  Like I can't take any stressor. Body still sensitive.  Still issues in morning with breathing but not as bad. It has been 8 weeks since stopping.  I hope this window does not leave but just get better. Lately I get a whole day  window every other day and partial window everyday. I hope this is a good sign. Doing my best to stay positive.  Keep telling myself that I will get through this. Hope we heal completely soon. 

[Sonia009]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I think I'm dealing with a wave now. I've been completely disregulated. Morning I was totally confused, like couldn't focus, couldn't process what's going on around, multitasking dead, got that forced narrowing of scope of thinking, felt insane and trapped forever. Terrible suffering inside and I couldn't organize my thoughts.

 

 

@BaccatePlayerI have experienced that feeling, it's really scary, you feel as if you are losing your mind. I hope it passes quickly for you. My day has been horrible too, spent most of the day in bed.

Hoping for better days for us all.

 

Went to sleep and after some time it got slightly better. Heartrate was noticeable and I felt back of my head lacking blood when I was sleeping. Then I was feeling barely alive, walking seemed taxing, but when I stopped thinking it worked better. Like at least when I walk around letting thoughts just flow, there is no pain or burden. I only feel my head mildly gripped on the sides, but the chemical burden almost completely gone. These another dimension moods are horrible though and hard to find many worse symptoms than these. I wonder how to even reassure myself during such moments and when it's literally present as I wake up I can't even notice it as a symptom and instead believe this is always like this. Neuroemotions tricked me again. My sight is worse when I look far away sometimes, heartbeat lagging and I have some phantom cut tongue feeling, which usually indicates a wave when new symptoms appear or old ones reappear. Still, I feel much more functional than during last wave. Things look extremely promising and I'd be surprised by how quickly it changes but then again, it's already sixtheenth week. I still need to be careful because following days can bring many different symptoms. Can't wait until I'm fully recovered, although waves and vulnerability of my organism is what concerns me most.

 

[Sonia009]

47 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Hi there. Sorry you are in an awful wave. I hate  I had one yesterday.   16 weeks, it will not be much longer for you. Today I am in a window with main symptom of feeling some nervousness.  Like I can't take any stressor. Body still sensitive.  Still issues in morning with breathing but not as bad. It has been 8 weeks since stopping.  I hope this window does not leave but just get better. Lately I get a whole day  window every other day and partial window everyday. I hope this is a good sign. Doing my best to stay positive.  Keep telling myself that I will get through this. Hope we heal completely soon. 

@mariamisery Hi, good to hear you are in a window and your breathing is improving. Hopefully a turning point for you.😊🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

24 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Hi there. Sorry you are in an awful wave. I hate  I had one yesterday.   16 weeks, it will not be much longer for you.

Hello Maria, I was hoping you're doing well. I just stood up and got hit with that incredibly powerful transe. Literally within seconds something forces me to believe I'm stuck and trapped in this state. Very wierd suffering that I have no real way of coping against. It's even more potent when I realize I wasn't ready for it. Regular thoughts don't work in this sphere, everything feels inhuman. I really hope you are right, my WDnormal improves drastically and it's probably this jarring contrast when dragged into such mood that makes me feel out of touch with such suffering. I shouldn't try to control or understand these symptoms, but going into that "leave your perception, just tell yourself it will pass" mode is just incredibly upsetting because it means intrusion from symptoms was so strong, I couldn't simply leave myself to be. Hopefully no more altered perception to this point...

 

39 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Today I am in a window with main symptom of feeling some nervousness.  Like I can't take any stressor. Body still sensitive.  Still issues in morning with breathing but not as bad. It has been 8 weeks since stopping.

Feeling nervousness right after going from wave to a window happens to me as well. May be shock and organism trying to find its place after changes made. My tolerance to stressors improved with time, but is still wack, so stay hopeful. Some symptoms stay for annoyingly long like brain burning and depersonalization in my case, but they eventually will go away completely, so don't be discouraged by ups and downs.

 

45 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

I hope this window does not leave but just get better. Lately I get a whole day  window every other day and partial window everyday. I hope this is a good sign. Doing my best to stay positive.  Keep telling myself that I will get through this. Hope we heal completely soon.

According to topic about things going on in our brains, suffering symptoms is needed for recovery. When we're facing malfunction, brain gets a signal to correct it. I know it doesn't make symptoms any more bearable, but at least there's a reassurance that your body doesn't leave you to suffer. Windows getting more common is a good sign. Mines are getting mixed up with waves more and more, but this is also good because it means the amplitude decreases forming one stable baseline. Also things getting incredibly unbearable is a sign my wave is about to end. I may have been lucky sleeping it through most of the time. Regular mode waves tend to be around 6 days, rest mode waves usually half of this. I already can't remember most of the weeks I went through and pretty much all of them had unbearable moments, so it's just sad how meaningless these adventures now are on the larger scope when they're literally becoming the whole world in the moment. Sending lots of warm hugs and all the strength you need!

[mariamisery]

Thank you. Sending hope and encouragement your way. I do breathing exercises and other things to get  rid of it.  I don't get it everytime. How do you deal with the nervousness?  I hope like you I can sleep normal again soon.  Body just become alert at different times during the night. 

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, Sonia009 said:

 

@BaccatePlayerI have experienced that feeling, it's really scary, you feel as if you are losing your mind. I hope it passes quickly for you. My day has been horrible too, spent most of the day in bed.

Hoping for better days for us all.

I had mini-attacks of that feeling in shop and in drugstore once, but that was few minutes. Now it was like a wave dedicated almost whole day to torment me with it. Luckily there's some self-preservation instinct active that prevents me from making drastic decisions during this time and I haven't bursted into panic. It's just really "life or death" feeling because I both rest and deal with anxiety as I'm waiting yet it all feels so off that believing it's gonna pass feels like a straight-out "cancel" button on my own perception. Obviously this is even more alienating like telling yourself "you're only crazy because you believe you're crazy now". A day in bed for me too, when I get up my heart tells me this is streneous. Thank you for being Sonia! You deserve a better day for supporting others when you're not feeling well yourself.

 

 

[Sonia009]

19 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I had mini-attacks of that feeling in shop and in drugstore once, but that was few minutes. Now it was like a wave dedicated almost whole day to torment me with it. Luckily there's some self-preservation instinct active that prevents me from making drastic decisions during this time and I haven't bursted into panic. It's just really "life or death" feeling because I both rest and deal with anxiety as I'm waiting yet it all feels so off that believing it's gonna pass feels like a straight-out "cancel" button on my own perception. Obviously this is even more alienating like telling yourself "you're only crazy because you believe you're crazy now". A day in bed for me too, when I get up my heart tells me this is streneous. Thank you for being Sonia! You deserve a better day for supporting others when you're not feeling well yourself.

 

 

@BaccatePlayer It does pass thankfully, the first time it happened to me I was really scared. I couldn't think clearly, my mind was frazzled, I thought it was something really serious. You're doing the right thing by telling yourself it will pass and by not panicking. 😊🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

31 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you. Sending hope and encouragement your way. I do breathing exercises and other things to get  rid of it.  I don't get it everytime. How do you deal with the nervousness?  I hope like you I can sleep normal again soon.  Body just become alert at different times during the night. 

Nervousness is usually a sign we don't process everything, something is left unresolved, interrupted or simply we left it on distressing conclusion. I react by checking everything I may be having left hanging (all tabs on phone, going through my room, approaching everyone nearby) and repeat my stance. Lately my atracious memory gets in a way, but it's simply "digest all topics from your head again until you feel in control over all of them". Breathing and sleeping seem to have in common the stability of tempo. If it suddenly shoots up even for a split second it interrupts the flow of these mechanisms. I'm not sure if there are other ways, but one that I remember is having someone you're very close with like significant other or a parent and either holding hands or hugging this person. This is because when we have intense feelings for someone our heartbeats try to sync. If there's some too sharp peak that disturbs your breathing and alarms you when you try to sleep maybe your pulse can't find the balance. You're on the right track. We got this!

[Kaylaq]

It warms my heart seeing us supporting each other through the intense waves!  Hang in there everyone!! 🙏🙏🥰🥰

[BaccatePlayer]

13 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer It does pass thankfully, the first time it happened to me I was really scared. I couldn't think clearly, my mind was frazzled, I thought it was something really serious. You're doing the right thing by telling yourself it will pass and by not panicking. 😊🙏

So sorry you were going through it as well. Yes, it feels exactly this way. My mood is still posessed by wave, but it got better. Sadly, among the new symptoms I encountered visual glitches. Yesterday when I woke up I saw a stack of black dots flying across the window and today at night I woke up seeing a spider on the celling. It disappears after few seconds, but is quite scary in retrospection. I hope it won't go any further than that. Experiencing something like this for a moment when brain is not fully awaken might be bearable, but if it transforms into complex hallucinations I don't know how I could deal with it. Technically the most acute symptoms eased significantly, but if depersonalization or such moods can still be this powerful, I don't know what can happen at this point. I think I need to postpone thinking once I feel a little better because now this would bring nothing but pointless worries.

 

11 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

It warms my heart seeing us supporting each other through the intense waves!  Hang in there everyone!! 🙏🙏🥰🥰

So do you, Kaylaq. We all know what it can be like. Feel included in the journey cause it's better to stay connected with our insights.

[BaccatePlayer]

Reality check needed... Usually after a wave or just before it's about to an end I get hit by hugely upsetting shock. Like surviving the wave and its symptoms I somehow got myself through and then there comes trauma-like realization what I actually got myself to. My mind tries to process what happened and I'm incredibly broken now. The wave is still underway, but I feel the intensity of mood and thoughts alteration extent that I went through is just so scary that I feel like I can't anymore. What sort of wierd states that even was? I feel like I went insane and can't go back. On top of that the stability issues are so buzzy I feel like literally, physically breaking apart. Sorry for desperation, I try not to panic, but I got dragged so deeply into that bubble that I can't get myself out of it. Is 3.5 months really this early to expect such nightmares to stop happening? Does this mean I'm not even close to recovery? I still know these are symptoms and it won't harm me, I know that it will end at some point but this time it's so powerful I just don't feel like administrating myself alone. This sounds extremely wack if just a bit more activity on tuesday or so was capable of throwing me off so much. I can't believe it still has a potential to make me suffer this much. I don't want it to last any more time...

[mariamisery]

I know the feeling.  Yesterday was a window. Today the wave is hard to get through. It is mind blowing.  The good is our bodies are healing.  One day soon  out of the blue this will be gone.  The feelings in a wave isn't human. We will go through whatever we need to and come out on the other side to victory. I am doing my best to be strong and handle this unbearable suffering.  You are so strong in handling your pain. I stand with you to  be healed and overcome this. You got this!!! Reflect on as many good times you can think of.

[Kaylaq]

@BaccatePlayer We are with you! 🙏😍😍🙏

[Sonia009]

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Reality check needed... Usually after a wave or just before it's about to an end I get hit by hugely upsetting shock. Like surviving the wave and its symptoms I somehow got myself through and then there comes trauma-like realization what I actually got myself to. My mind tries to process what happened and I'm incredibly broken now. The wave is still underway, but I feel the intensity of mood and thoughts alteration extent that I went through is just so scary that I feel like I can't anymore. What sort of wierd states that even was? I feel like I went insane and can't go back. On top of that the stability issues are so buzzy I feel like literally, physically breaking apart. Sorry for desperation, I try not to panic, but I got dragged so deeply into that bubble that I can't get myself out of it. Is 3.5 months really this early to expect such nightmares to stop happening? Does this mean I'm not even close to recovery? I still know these are symptoms and it won't harm me, I know that it will end at some point but this time it's so powerful I just don't feel like administrating myself alone. This sounds extremely wack if just a bit more activity on tuesday or so was capable of throwing me off so much. I can't believe it still has a potential to make me suffer this much. I don't want it to last any more time...

@BaccatePlayer We all need to vent sometimes to enable us to cope with our emotions, at least here I believe we all understand your frustration. You are not losing mind, this is a temporary blip and you will get through it. When I feel low I try to distract myself from my feelings, I focus on things like listening to music, watching or listening to a comedy show, crossword puzzles etc. I have been doing this myself lately. Stay strong, you are young and you will get through this.😊

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

I know the feeling.  Yesterday was a window. Today the wave is hard to get through. It is mind blowing.  The good is our bodies are healing.  One day soon  out of the blue this will be gone.  The feelings in a wave isn't human. We will go through whatever we need to and come out on the other side to victory. I am doing my best to be strong and handle this unbearable suffering.  You are so strong in handling your pain. I stand with you to  be healed and overcome this. You got this!!! Reflect on as many good times you can think of.

I think I may be dealing with both wave and some virus simultaneously. I feel my throat is not how it's supposed to be when swallowing. Cold nose and warm hands - atypical for me, should be other way round. Thank you, Maria! I was dragged out of the belief that it will ready end one day.

 

51 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

@BaccatePlayer We are with you! 🙏😍😍🙏

Thank you! I felt completely stuck because my mom relied too much on me reporting it gets better lately and dismissed my condition now. She believes we're going nowhere with it since it doesn't improve and that people live with such illness and they work while I do nothing and act like world is coming to an end. Obviously she exaggregates it as being half year, when it's slightly over a quarter now. She thinks we're wiring each other to be more and more fixated on symptoms. Also my friends are distant lately. That's why I appreciate having you here. You know what it's like. I would do whatever for my parents, but something just broke inside me this week.

 

23 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer We all need to vent sometimes to enable us to cope with our emotions, at least here I believe we all understand your frustration. You are not losing mind, this is a temporary blip and you will get through it. When I feel low I try to distract myself from my feelings, I focus on things like listening to music, watching or listening to a comedy show, crossword puzzles etc. I have been doing this myself lately. Stay strong, you are young and you will get through this.😊

Your understanding means everything to me. I was watching TV for most of the day. The rest is prayer, a walk and math. I think my cognitive issues come in a way. Such a poor memory lately. I tried music but it often messes my heartrate which is the problem during this wave. Getting up, walking, leaning down, all this triggers heartbeat fluctuations and I can feel how taxing it is for my organism to adjust it. I wish my closest ones understood my situation better. When I'm around them and they treat me as normal, doing all kinds of things around, talking about anything it feels even more ostracizing than actually sitting alone in the dark. I'm grateful for your big heart!

[mariamisery]

Thank you for the kind words. You help me and a lot of people. Only we can understand the pain we experience. I often wonder why the healing  feelings are so awful and unbearable?  How to be strong when you feel no strength?  We have to get better soon. I will believe this to keep moving forward. 

[Sonia009]

50 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I think I may be dealing with both wave and some virus simultaneously. I feel my throat is not how it's supposed to be when swallowing. Cold nose and warm hands - atypical for me, should be other way round. Thank you, Maria! I was dragged out of the belief that it will ready end one day.

 

Thank you! I felt completely stuck because my mom relied too much on me reporting it gets better lately and dismissed my condition now. She believes we're going nowhere with it since it doesn't improve and that people live with such illness and they work while I do nothing and act like world is coming to an end. Obviously she exaggregates it as being half year, when it's slightly over a quarter now. She thinks we're wiring each other to be more and more fixated on symptoms. Also my friends are distant lately. That's why I appreciate having you here. You know what it's like. I would do whatever for my parents, but something just broke inside me this week.

 

Your understanding means everything to me. I was watching TV for most of the day. The rest is prayer, a walk and math. I think my cognitive issues come in a way. Such a poor memory lately. I tried music but it often messes my heartrate which is the problem during this wave. Getting up, walking, leaning down, all this triggers heartbeat fluctuations and I can feel how taxing it is for my organism to adjust it. I wish my closest ones understood my situation better. When I'm around them and they treat me as normal, doing all kinds of things around, talking about anything it feels even more ostracizing than actually sitting alone in the dark. I'm grateful for your big heart!

@BaccatePlayer The heartbeat fluctuations are scary, I get that too. The music I find helpful is relaxing sleep music on youtube, I avoid the piano ones, too loud, there are nicer quieter ones there, sometimes I listen to rainfall or seashore ones also. I also find listening to Dr Claire Weeks on youtube helpful, something about her voice gives me reassurance. 😊🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

11 hours ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you for the kind words. You help me and a lot of people. Only we can understand the pain we experience. I often wonder why the healing  feelings are so awful and unbearable?  How to be strong when you feel no strength?  We have to get better soon. I will believe this to keep moving forward. 

Probably because this is an actual overcompensation. If you borrow too much from your legs, they hurt a lot when walking and restrict your movements even though you could technically start a run or squat. Since CNS is... literally everything we do are our sense of who we are, no wonder it's not an easy time.

 

11 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer The heartbeat fluctuations are scary, I get that too. The music I find helpful is relaxing sleep music on youtube, I avoid the piano ones, too loud, there are nicer quieter ones there, sometimes I listen to rainfall or seashore ones also. I also find listening to Dr Claire Weeks on youtube helpful, something about her voice gives me reassurance. 😊🙏

 

Yes, they're still present. Oddly enough I couldn't fall asleep, but eventually managed to. Claire Weekes is a really good one, I agree. You can probably never go wrong when trying to reduce anxiety a bit regardless if the symptom seems related to it or not. I'm feeling alien in my thoughts and although it's not a direct pain or even an issue when not thinking, but spending hours in such trapped, unnatural state is just scary to realize.

 

 

I woke up feeling very wierd, completely new but unpleasantly shaken. Head feels like hit exactly at the top by a hammer and nausea literally feels like old neurons from brain got into my stomach and infected whole digestive system. Mood, cognition and sense of feeling my own body or thoughts is the main issue now. I'm giving it few hours and I'll see how it's gonna change... oh, wait... I realized it morphed into depersonalization. Suddenly now everything passed and just left me in this terrible state. Looks like bottling emotions regarding my parents in the evening triggers depersonalization next morning. I think this is one of the omnipresent symptoms, but it's usually on the lower % of severity, now it's quite noticeable with peaks being very distressing. Not sure how to handle it, I just do some light researches on web regarding my favourite shows and remind myself not to panic cause it will change within days. 

[BaccatePlayer]

Experiment is over and the results were obviously not very intuitive for me. I spend one wave acting as if there's no wave and one wave treating it as a flu. As much as the first one is far from anything easily bearable, it's actually a winner here. Looks like staying in bed, adjusting to the symptoms like restricting tasks when pain arises simply validates symptoms as being real threats further worsening a wave overall. Don't get me wrong, adequate sleep is still a must if you can and it's best to limit tasks to single focus, medium or slightly below medium tempo, but intentionally fixing the routine didn't pay off for me. I'm going back to acting as if everything is fine, only avoiding carrying heavier stuff, sexual activity and multitasking.

 

Now the bad news... Yesterday I was completely lost. Literally so estranged and sore that I was sure I'm completely insane. The feelings were so unbearable that I couldn't break out of it. I waited out morning depersonalization but later I got dragged in such bizzare state that I couldn't even process how mad I felt. I woke up in front of my laptop and asked myself where had I been because it was so traumatizing. Today the estrangement was extremely intense in the morning but I went to town and it stabilized, I just need to play "don't think about blue elephant" with anything related to realizing my symptoms. The trap sensation used to lead to panic, now it leads to those incredibly wierd, psycho-like states that are worse than anything so far.

 

Very bad news... I'm going through a breakup and my cPTSD pretty much returned at full size. My insomnia returned as well complicated symptoms even further. I wasn't sure what @Gonzo meant exactly at the beginning with trauma awareness in relation to withdrawal symptoms but now the link becomes more clear to me. Limerence, abuse, father complex, selfishness, errasing my own traces out of fear, denial of entitlement, victim of authority mentality, fear of change, loneliness, punishment, lack of control, going insane, being trapped, left without guidance, guilt, tabboo of aggression, envy, resentment - all this suddenly came out. It's not like I didn't know about, I just got lost in my symptoms so much that I forgot about all this.

 

Anyways, these estranging mood states are just too much for me. I was pushed beyond everything. I can't stand feeling this sort of level of not feeling myself. If it happens again, what should I do? I was pouring whatever was happening around into my mind but this is extremely severe for almost 3.5 months mark. When will it at least stop being this unbearable? I can't believe I'm saying that but I'd rather take pain over this madness...

[Kaylaq]

So sorry you’re struggling so badly!! 💪💪  distraction, distraction it’s the only thing that works for me, and of course lots of crying!  Healing takes a long time 💕💕💕

[Gonzo]

I'm sorry @BaccatePlayer, breakups are not good for withdrawal, but if you need support or maybe even guidance I'll be happy to assist you, sadly I know very well how painful and excruciating all this can be. If you need anything we can chat. You can also read my introduction thread, I talked a lot about a devastating narcissistic relationship and breakup that I had at the start of my August 2020 withdrawal and I've been describing my experiences in detail, they're deeply interconnected with psychiatry, withdrawal and Sertraline. Again, I'm sorry, you have our moral support.

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

So sorry you’re struggling so badly!! 💪💪  distraction, distraction it’s the only thing that works for me, and of course lots of crying!  Healing takes a long time 💕💕💕

 

Thank you for reassurance, sweetheart! I hope it won't take longer than I can take it. Crying worked for me short term, but long term I feel it messes with neurotransmitters and leaves more work before wave ends. I try to stay distracted, but everything reminds me of that girl and I bounce from one trap to another. Waves don't last forever, so maybe tommorow or within days I will have more strength to fight.

3 hours ago, Gonzo said:

I'm sorry @BaccatePlayer, breakups are not good for withdrawal, but if you need support or maybe even guidance I'll be happy to assist you, sadly I know very well how painful and excruciating all this can be. If you need anything we can chat. You can also read my introduction thread, I talked a lot about a devastating narcissistic relationship and breakup that I had at the start of my August 2020 withdrawal and I've been describing my experiences in detail, they're deeply interconnected with psychiatry, withdrawal and Sertraline. Again, I'm sorry, you have our moral support.

Yes, I was unfortunate to lose my grandfather during end of second month, now I'm going through breakup. I wish I was already healed to have one less thing to worry about, but if it's gonna take some more months, the chances that something upsetting happens are increasing. I remember how you mentioned narcissistic woman that hurted you, yes. Not sure if I should blame just sertraline, but meds do kept me somewhat biased, distracted from traumas (mainly bupropion I think), but I decided to unpatient myself like many users here disappointed by psychiatry. Withdrawal or not, I have issues with repressed id and moral support was something I needed. Issues with authority, tabboo around selfishness, assertiveness - all this forming stiff and overactive superego that I can't beat. Thank you a lot, I felt such burden that I lost all hope seeing how it all falls apart.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Hi, sorry to read about your break up, can't be easy when you are struggling with all these symptoms too. I hope you find the strength and coping strategies to get you through this difficult time.😊🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

18 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Hi, sorry to read about your break up, can't be easy when you are struggling with all these symptoms too. I hope you find the strength and coping strategies to get you through this difficult time.😊🙏

I think I managed to get out of a wave. Heartbeat still not right, brain burning just less intense, panic and depersonalization to some degree, memory and physical cognition yet not great, but at least I could skip a funeral today. I managed to get more sleep and went for confession, maybe there's gonna be some improvement since a record of 18 pain-attack-less days (23.01-08.02) have been broken and it's still going. I was losing hope and started thinking it doesn't improve since it's just rolling symptoms switching from one to another, but I'm gonna see how long this window will be. If it finally gets to four days, then chances for positive window:wave ratio which would likely be 4:3 in days I'll count as decent progress. If only sense of wierdness, alienation and insanity was gone. I start every day with meditation now and reading affirmations until I really start accepting them. There's way too many things reminding me of that girl and I'm already having the same rumminations about never getting into relationship again, about denying my orientation so the control is fully on my side etc. Last Christmas was disastrous, guess this Easter has to be too. Well, nothing to lose, I'm just gonna keep going. So grateful I at least have souls like you here!

[Gonzo]

Keep going @BaccatePlayer, you got this man!

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer I think it's natural to think of never getting into relationship again because you have been hurt but you have youth on your side and given time you will heal. I'm please you are in a window, hopefully it will be a long or even permanent one. 🙏If you're managing to sleep that's half the battle and is a good sign. Yes, my Christmas was a disaster too, so is this coming Easter going to be. These are times I have family around for meals but I couldn't do Christmas and not going to be doing Easter either. These drugs have ruined so many lives, not only for people like us but for our families too. 😊🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

Keep going @BaccatePlayer, you got this man!

Thanks, Gonzo! I try to picture this little moment as momentary crisis in the long journey which is both hopeful and upsetting cause this is now my whole world. Just 19 days away from reaching 4 months, that's probably around 3 waves. I'm arming myself better this time. I think being in control and having it all solved in a few methods strenghtens natural mind's ways of handling difficulties.

 

1 hour ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer I think it's natural to think of never getting into relationship again because you have been hurt but you have youth on your side and given time you will heal. I'm please you are in a window, hopefully it will be a long or even permanent one. 🙏If you're managing to sleep that's half the battle and is a good sign. Yes, my Christmas was a disaster too, so is this coming Easter going to be. These are times I have family around for meals but I couldn't do Christmas and not going to be doing Easter either. These drugs have ruined so many lives, not only for people like us but for our families too. 😊🙏

Yes, I place my hope in the fact that both my mind and my heart is still young and my organism shapes itself in reaction to my circumstances. Determinant thinking is not suitable for recovery time anyways. Sleeping makes a big difference, so I'm glad insomnia doesn't persist beyond this wave. I think a lot by default, so I often wake up in the middle of dream rumminations therefore starting a day with guided relaxation podcast. Tommorow I'll be having some family members as guest for the weekend, so maybe that will keep me distracted. My parents start to realize more how I suffer, they just wish it doesn't last so long. I hope I optimized everything I could, so I don't suffer any more than I have to. It will be better for us, I'm sure of it. Thanks, Sonia!

[BaccatePlayer]

Atmospheric pressure goes lower and lower here. I'm not the only one in my house to complain about headaches, but my cognition and mood are pretty much my only symptoms now. Head is still hot, but nowhere intense burning or anything. Heartbeat fluctuates and sometimes it even pinches, but I can tolerate that. Actually, it could be all mood, because it's more like I feel like I don't process things quickly enough, but nothing I do, say or decide indicates I had issues with it. At least this is not the drunk sight or brain overload with chemical changes feeling I talked about in previous weeks. I was talking about memory issues, but seems like it's more of distractability or just losing train of thought if something interrupts me, however if I try hard enough nothing is forgotten, just lost from immediate sight. The "trap sensation" I was mentioning seems to be transforming into something or is about to disappear, because I don't have wierd thoughts in fact, I just have thoughts or levels of awareness that trigger wierd mood states. They're very disturbing right now but nothing I could do with it. It feels like my mind suddenly drowning in paint, a while later like in mud etc. Basically feeling extremely alien, but hugely on the chemical side. My digestion and waking up for a day is still slowed down, so I may be in a wave. Panic and anxiety got replaced with thoughts of going insane and wierdness on incredible scale. Since I eventually stopped having those unbearable pain outbursts, I hope I'll soon stop having all the depersonalization/derealization states or their variants. Forum page says there needs to be certain amount of receptors to stop having it, so maybe it's a matter of following weeks. I wish someone told me "Yes, Tomasz you are absolutely right. It's so close that you'll start feeling yourself more and more and then it will just be building up tolerance for stress and you're recovered!" but who can predict if that is the case. I started telling myself during the worst moments that it's not as bad as my future self will remember it and I think it helps. I remind myself that I'm not insane and that I'm still somehow managing this moment just so I won't be traumatized by getting back to it with my thoughts later on. I'd take a year of severe depression and anxiety in my recovered body over a month of regular functioning in this one, but such thinking won't change my situation now. When these "another dimension experiences" end and nothing worse replaces it, I will be very close to recovery. It's been 47 days since I experienced first depersonalization attack, my thoughts start to look like my regular thoughts would look like, but these forced mood clouds I'd give anything to go away. Some people consider other meds... I already call my symptoms unbearable, so how bad would they be had I taken something now? Definitelly wouldn't take a risk.

 

Trauma is the subject I touched upon lately. I wondered why it's only my mom that I feel safe with, but honestly when I look at my relationship with my sister or dad, no wonder why it's like this. I couldn't spend time alone lately because I never trusted myself that I will take care of myself. Now it's all pronounced. See the trauma link? It's all there, my dreams, my habbits, just felt through some adapter because there's a wound my CNS tries to repair, but my experiences show what I'm made of for real. I feel strange because I'm lonely, because I was the popular kid at school who had it all, but wanted even more and then lost everything. Plenty of reasons to feel bad, now withdrawal is only showing this in confused signals like depersonalization or brain burning.

 

I was thinking of posting daily routines, but I guess this is more suitable when some is tapering. I have a clear situation now: no meds and trying to stabilize on that. Came across some phrases like "crashing" or "holding", but seems like I don't need to know what that is, I just should be improving now because nothing is hindering that unless I overstress myself. I never really felt the recovery since I had that adverse reaction, but I guess this is expected. Basically at no point I felt myself, there was always some fog or layer on my body, my nerves, how I felt my thoughts and even my sight. It kept changing, but never got back to normal so far. I feel artificial and like walking on prosthetic aparature but instead of walking it's feeling of self. And not in emotional sense, I feel emotionally fine, but literally like in a different body. Like swallowing with a sore throat. I try not to stress about this, but I really want my "brain skin" back soon.

[mariamisery]

 The trapped sensations as you termed comes  from out of nowhere? Besides making you feel awful it slows you down. Almost like the body is saying keep still because I am healing.  You posting often seems very therapeutic for you as for me. You will  one day emerge an even  more powerful version of oneself. 

[BaccatePlayer]

37 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

The trapped sensations as you termed comes  from out of nowhere? Besides making you feel awful it slows you down. Almost like the body is saying keep still because I am healing.  You posting often seems very therapeutic for you as for me. You will  one day emerge an even  more powerful version of oneself. 

Since I remember it has always been a kind of traumatic response to thoughts about recovery, its length, the sole moment of having the immediate adverse reaction. It was like a panic button starting insane desperation and I just couldn't touch the thoughts related to what is actually going on with my life, whether it's permanent because it felt so unbearable as if I was sure I'm breaking down. There were times when I was unneccessarly rumminating and triggering this trap sensation was destabilizing me more and more, for example feeling like I'm losing my balance in legs, like I'm collapsing, like my head explodes - it then carried on with less and less intensity throughout following week unless I started analyzing whether I'm doomed again. Yes, it does slow me down, quite precisely it feels like narrowing down my thoughts to only see the helplessness and destruction inside. It was most intense when I had that overtly chemical fried feeling in my brain and pressing the trap sensation simply felt like the fire intensified. It was literally like irritating the wound on the skin, just that the wound was still fresh and on the brain. Now the wound feels more "closed", but since I don't feel myself yet and hadn't so far at any point, such desperation to break free is still there. Yes, there is some signal from the inside pushing me out of these rumminations, emptying my head almost as if it pushed me out of a way to use vaccuum cleaner in that area. Now the trap is mostly mood or thoughts sphere like there was a phantom panic attack going on inside out of nowhere but I had nothing except for confusion and the sense of being restricted in what I feel, like drowning in the altered state. Thanks for putting lots of faith in me, you really have a gift in touching people's hearts, Maria.

[mariamisery]

Thanks for being here to help me through this process. I have gain insight on so much!  I thought there would be more interactions on this site.  We need all the encouragement we can find  to help us get through.  I don't want to feel desperate but sometimes do.