BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

2 minutes ago, getofflex said:

This is good.  

I believe so even though brain still keeps telling me it won't end or won't completely end. I'm still fighting strong anxiety now, but in a rather "wait it out" style since I'm not in mood and tired of using Jacobson/Schultz techniques or overall attempting to manage it. Sometimes just a small reach out like with you now makes me feel better. My mom would probably just tell me I think too much about tommorow's visit. I won't be taking any meds regardless of doctor decides. I am impatient with healing, but more drugs wouldn't make it faster anyways. Thanks a lot!

[Kaylaq]

We are here with you, take lots of slow deep breaths… it really helps with anxiety! 

[BaccatePlayer]

10 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

We are here with you, take lots of slow deep breaths… it really helps with anxiety! 

Thanks a lot Kaylaq, I really appreciate that since it's a very lonely journey. I focused on deescalating breathing (hands on stomach to make sure it raises more than chest does) and this is exactly the one area that this wave affected. Throughout the day my breathing was different, like there was some really quick pause or lag disturbing it. Now it feels better and I also had reassuring conversations. It's a relief when brain unlocks itself from that deterministic, narrow and desperate thinking starting to see hope and bigger picture. I tell myself this is a step forward because my heartbeat and anxiety start to resemble my regular experiences of it more and more. Up until now the feeling of panic or fear was very altered, as if chemically alien. It is changing and if it's changing to feel like my old self I count that as necessary low moment that ultimately brings me closer to recovery. Thanks once again, it was a very grey, depressing day outside and my family was either sleeping or busy so you really helped me with surviving that wave.

[getofflex]

May I also suggest that you visit other threads in the Intro and Updates section, and see if you can relate to anything they say and maybe offer them some support?  This will help a lot for you to feel less alone on this journey.  Also, helping others if very therapeutic, especially when we ourselves are suffering.  Chances are, some of these people will then come read your thread, and offer you some support.  It sounds like you are doing some very good things to help yourself.  The deep breathing is very effective for calming our nervous systems, so it's great that you are doing that.  

Edited February 12 by getofflex

[BaccatePlayer]

12 hours ago, getofflex said:

May I also suggest that you visit other threads in the Intro and Updates section, and see if you can relate to anything they say and maybe offer them some support?  This will help a lot for you to feel less alone on this journey.  Also, helping others if very therapeutic, especially when we ourselves are suffering.  Chances are, some of these people will then come read your thread, and offer you some support.  It sounds like you are doing some very good things to help yourself.  The deep breathing is very effective for calming our nervous systems, so it's great that you are doing that.  

I was definitelly thinking of this since this is a rather judgement-free place, I just don't react too well to people mentioning their symptoms or describing some really long periods of being drug-free yet still dealing with withdrawal now. It's quite of a serious trigger for me and the shock/traumatic reaction to such thoughts is what I want to heal first. I became more well-wishing to others lately and definitelly try to engage not to feel lonely. There's some split in my head that feels like two sides are fighting for me - the symptoms and the shocked feeling of being in withdrawal against my regular self connected naturally to everyday life. Will it eventually adjust itself? I still don't exactly feel myself even though my mood and actions may seem like I do. That mental grip seems to be holding me back altering my perception and not in a typical sense but still somewhat "chemical".

 

I was curious about that heartbeat and breathing changes, so I checked my pulse and I'd say something is changing here. It was usually 80-90 but yesterday it showed 67 while today it was 76. I'm 25 and a bodybuilder, so albeit within norm, it was a bit too high for my default state. Now that it seems the baseline is getting lower could this be a sign my system is setting itself to be less stressed and agitated?

 

I also managed to survive appointment. My mom, just like me is prone to suggestions, but I decided not to take any meds regardless. The doctor said what I experience is just being schizotypal and that it all happens because of my psychic since any med is already out of my bloodstream regardless if I mixed some of them together or took more. She wasn't interested in what I was telling and quickly shifted the narrative into just treating my symptoms as if there was no reaction nor withdrawal. She prescribed aripiprazole and invited me in two months. My mom was like "we should read about it and think of what to do". I quickly checked that and told her that it'd be like olanzapine thus putting me into bed for days, make me fat and that I don't need it since I'm not having psychotic symptoms (probably never had). My mom doesn't object and I'll stay on taking nothing but levothyroxine for now. We concluded together that this doctor is wack and we only visited her today so that I have an appointment noted just in case my disability pension was in question. On top of that she asks for 5$ more each half-year, making it 55$ now. That's a quarter of my pension, so I may as well spend it on a psychotherapist (even if online) with probably better results.

 

Now that most of the worst events are behind me and even waves seem to be bearable when I don't overthink or overstimulate myself I should be able to relax, believe in myself and even more recovery should come. Tough 8.5 weeks but traces of normality are finally visible, so this should only improve. Better tolerance for stimulation, stress, worst symptoms and that path of awareness around my condition is what I wish repaired the most/quickest. Thanks again for being there for me!

[mstimc]

Good morning, @BaccatePlayer  You were wise not to start on another med.  A lot of doctors believe that once a medication is out of our system, we should be "normal".  They don't appreciate the effect drugs have on our CNS and how long it takes to recover our mental and emotional balance. 

50 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I was curious about that heartbeat and breathing changes, so I checked my pulse and I'd say something is changing here. It was usually 80-90 but yesterday it showed 67 while today it was 76. I'm 25 and a bodybuilder, so albeit within norm, it was a bit too high for my default state. Now that it seems the baseline is getting lower could this be a sign my system is setting itself to be less stressed and agitated?

I wouldn't worry about small fluctuations in your heartbeat as long as they're in the normal range.  Remember, your anxious mind wants to fixate on something to keep you in a state of high alert, so it'll push you to overreact to the slightest difference.  My advice is to not check it all for a while. If you start checking it, you run the risk of increasing it just because you're worried about what it will be.  If you feel okay and you know its normal, accept that and get on with your life.  You are well on your way to recovery. 

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I just don't react too well to people mentioning their symptoms or describing some really long periods of being drug-free yet still dealing with withdrawal now.

In that case, you would do better to read the success stories, where people are already recovered.  There is a success story forum on the forum page.  

 

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

The doctor said what I experience is just being schizotypal and that it all happens because of my psychic since any med is already out of my bloodstream

These psychiatrists, and most health care people, have been brainwashed into the mental illness paradigm.  It is very common for them to pathologize people's emotions, thinking, and behavior.  Many of us on this forum have or are going through a process of "unpatienting" ourselves.  I no longer think of myself as a mental health patient.  I think of myself as a unique individual with some challenges to deal with.  And, I am confident I can deal with these without chemicals and drugs.  I personally experience you as being a very insightful, perceptive, resourceful, and thoughtful person.  You can choose to reject any label that they try to put on you, such as schizotypal.  Personally, for me, I had a label put on me of adjustment disorder.  What happened, was I was abused and neglected as a child.  How can a person be well adjusted to abuse and neglect? That is absurd.  My anxiety and depression were a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.  

 

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

We concluded together that this doctor is wack and we only visited her today so that I have an appointment noted just in case my disability pension was in question.

Yay!  I think you are spot on with this.  The doctors and drug companies are highly paid for their "therapy".  

 

I think you are doing very well, and I know that you are going to recover from this!  Keep up the good work. 

Edited February 12 by getofflex

[BaccatePlayer]

On 2/12/2024 at 3:15 PM, mstimc said:

Good morning, @BaccatePlayer  You were wise not to start on another med.  A lot of doctors believe that once a medication is out of our system, we should be "normal".  They don't appreciate the effect drugs have on our CNS and how long it takes to recover our mental and emotional balance. 

Greetings! Yes, I totally expected that she will just follow the "whatever, just keep taking any pills and come again soon" mindset. It takes very long if I had to predict based on how I feel across time. Too many days I just kept telling myself "come on, maybe it's just two more days" and now it turns out I didn't even expect how long I had to wait to see improvement, let alone recovery. My friend told me that in two weeks there's a good chance I will stop calling it "unbearable" at least. Still, that sort of "just a little bit more" narrative at best helped me survive in the moment, but I am aware the watched pot never boils, so I try to distract myself as much as I can.

 

On 2/12/2024 at 3:15 PM, mstimc said:

I wouldn't worry about small fluctuations in your heartbeat as long as they're in the normal range.  Remember, your anxious mind wants to fixate on something to keep you in a state of high alert, so it'll push you to overreact to the slightest difference.  My advice is to not check it all for a while. If you start checking it, you run the risk of increasing it just because you're worried about what it will be.  If you feel okay and you know its normal, accept that and get on with your life.  You are well on your way to recovery. 

This statement had helped me yesterday. I almost forgot that the symptoms keep appearing and need to remind myself that it's just my mind looking for a cause when there's no. I think I delved too much into "I'm almost there, it will sort itself out" teritory trying to wait out everything and just passively registering symptoms. Neuroemotions and panic has to be countered with reframed statements otherwise they own me and I just stand there wondering why it's not repairing itself.

 

My dad was a medical rescuer (in the mine), so there's a habbit in my house of checking saturation, sugar and blood pressure almost everyday. I normally avoid it since last time I checked mine was either last year or one of first days this year. I measured my pulse now to see what these heart sensation do and it turned out my default pulse went from 80s to 60s. That's it, I won't be investigating it anymore at least until I notice some change, if I ever get paranoid around it I will just tell myself that I checked it twice and it was in the 60s which is good and then I'll leave that thought. Staying on it longer than necessary would be paranoia and no help at all.

 

It's hard to see recovery yet, but what I can definitelly sense is that the initial reaction when absolutely horrible things were happening everyday is likely gone and the most acute phase is either gone too or it's very close to an end. I can't tell in % which is very frustrating for my measure-everything mind, but there's is an improvement surely, though it may still take upsetting amount of time to recover.

 

On 2/12/2024 at 4:20 PM, getofflex said:

In that case, you would do better to read the success stories, where people are already recovered.  There is a success story forum on the forum page.

I see. Quiet heroes. I already have a map with "full life" where I highlight what areas I already "unlocked" though some symptoms reappear or appear in some altered form and this sometimes throws me off. Still, I keep telling myself that there's no other direction I'm heading than recovery and that it's impossible for me to be damaged since I am alive and functional in theory up to this day.

 

On 2/12/2024 at 4:20 PM, getofflex said:

These psychiatrists, and most health care people, have been brainwashed into the mental illness paradigm.  It is very common for them to pathologize people's emotions, thinking, and behavior.  Many of us on this forum have or are going through a process of "unpatienting" ourselves.  I no longer think of myself as a mental health patient.  I think of myself as a unique individual with some challenges to deal with.  And, I am confident I can deal with these without chemicals and drugs.  I personally experience you as being a very insightful, perceptive, resourceful, and thoughtful person.  You can choose to reject any label that they try to put on you, such as schizotypal.  Personally, for me, I had a label put on me of adjustment disorder.  What happened, was I was abused and neglected as a child.  How can a person be well adjusted to abuse and neglect? That is absurd.  My anxiety and depression were a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Thanks, I never thought of myself as schizotypal, but my aunt is schizophrenic and my doctor slowly detoriated my diagnose further and further. If anything I see myself as paranoid, avoidant, maybe obsessive-compulsive but whether I call it personality disorder or not, I have to deal with my personal situations individually. Maybe I have limited perspectives on some challenges, but these are mine and whatever happens I would be reacting this way. Drugs didn't really affected me much, it's only now in this reaction and following withdrawal that I experience nasty upset.

 

On 2/12/2024 at 4:20 PM, getofflex said:

 

I think you are doing very well, and I know that you are going to recover from this!  Keep up the good work. 

I really hope so. Couldn't sleep on monday with that altered breathing and lost some hope due to obviously panicking too much, others could tell too. Yesterday I had a headache, terrible dizziness and some odd sensations on top of a panicking mind. Really bad overall suffering. It got me so invested that I needed a mental slap from my mom that I can't be thinking of this all the time. I put some effort in distracting myself and realized I was under neuroemotions pulling me into very helpless thinking. When I finally got some relief from that though, a sudden feeling of my head about to explode mentally appeared. It was just a few seconds until I experienced some shock. I got scared by it again and recalled that these overload sensations were the most unbearable back in a day. I went to sleep because it was late and woke up today with selectively gripping headache and pain in the back of eyes, still vary of these "head screams". Really don't want to go through it, it's like you can't hold it anymore any longer and there seems not to be any coping strategy for that. I try to keep myself preocuppied today, not thinking about it, but it really puts me in doubts and dreads that I will be suffering that nightmare again. This might be some change in my brain because breathing got better but I hadn't experience such bad states in two weeks, so I was hoping they're gone.

 

I was also wondering if realistically being in a car, using blue lights when they're not bothering in the moment, sexual activity, certain food, can this really affect severity of my symptoms or is it just about me being (consciously or not) stressed by it? I admit, I sometimes feel like running my symptoms myself and then trying to cope with them like placing myself in a cage, suffering there, but missing the idea of actually leaving it...

[getofflex]

This link goes into all the factors that affect how long recovery from WD (withdrawal) takes.  

 

How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take, Factors Affecting Withdrawal

 

It's much better to try and keep your mind off your symptoms and not get anxious about them.  They will go away in time.  Focusing on them will just worsen the anxiety, and create stress chemicals in your body that will make your symptoms worse.

 

Health Anxiety

 

There are many good techniques for managing anxiety:  

 

 

video: Claire Weekes: Managing Anxiety

 

 

video: Claire Weekes on Anxiety and Panic

 

Claire Weekes - Hope and Help for you Nerves Audiobook  

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Acknowledge Accept Float

 

Music to Calm Anxiety

 

Breathing Technique for Anxiety

 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

15 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes) Female voice - getselfhelp.co.uk

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes) Male voice - getselfhelp.co.uk

 

Meditation

 

7 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I was also wondering if realistically being in a car, using blue lights when they're not bothering in the moment, sexual activity, certain food, can this really affect severity of my symptoms or is it just about me being (consciously or not) stressed by it?

Here is what I would do.  Spend a few minutes each day recording your symptoms, and rate each one.  Then, do your best to forget about your symptoms for the rest of the day.  You can also record your sleep, eating, sexual activities, and other activities.  Do this for a while, and this may help you to see what may cause an increase in your symptoms.  

 

[mstimc]

1 minute ago, getofflex said:

It's much better to try and keep your mind off your symptoms and not get anxious about them.  They will go away in time.  Focusing on them will just worsen the anxiety, and create stress chemicals in your body that will make your symptoms worse.

Baccate, Getofflex gave you great advice! Its okay to recognize your symptoms, but then accept them and let them go. I refer to it as naming your dragon and then showing it the door.   You can even run a script in your head, like "Okay, I'm feeling anxious in this situation.  Its not the situation--its my anxiety. I've done the right thing by recognizing that, and I no longer need to pay attention to it."  If you start asking yourself, "will this situation/thing/object trigger my anxiety?" , the answer will almost be "yes" because your anxious mind wants you to scan your life for new triggers.  Recognize anxious thoughts but then let them go. 

[BaccatePlayer]

19 hours ago, getofflex said:

This link goes into all the factors that affect how long recovery from WD (withdrawal) takes.  

Yes, I almost know it by heart now. Just like I said before, things that work to my favor are: not being on a cocktail, being 25 years old, not drinking, smoking nor taking any drugs besides levothyroxine and it seems like immediate adverse reactions victims recover faster than those who quit longer term doses.

 

Still, I'm just 2 months clean, so even if I don't fall under "it can take years" category, it still indicates that it may last even as much as four times what I already went through. The first month was totally above my tolerance, those were nightmares that I can't even place on a scale. Second month, although much, much better still followed the formula where my mind was out of regular topics and it was constantly dealing with unbearable burden to the point where I was just waiting for hours to pass, so I can sleep again because I couldn't get up and take neither book/drawing nor do anything physical. Third month, I feel it touches the breaking point, teasing around it but sofar I managed to avoid panic attack (not panic itself, but the state when I'm so broken that I feel like dying) and it looks like the whole month cycle repeats itself but in a slightly easier form. I believe first month was the immediate reaction in play, second was the most acute phase of withdrawal and now... hopefully just a regular withdrawal?

 

Some people here talk about their job. That would not work (pun not intended) with me, I still have surviving the day hours in question doing just minimum, let alone actually carrying a responsibility. I still don't leave my house unless absolutely necessary which is about once a week. I know even in about 2-4 weeks things will improve significantly, but even a single day poses a challenge that I'm not able to ignore for the most part.

 

19 hours ago, getofflex said:

It's much better to try and keep your mind off your symptoms and not get anxious about them.  They will go away in time.  Focusing on them will just worsen the anxiety, and create stress chemicals in your body that will make your symptoms worse.

 

There are many good techniques for managing anxiety.

At the moment there's totally the least in my enviroment that can stress me (there are wolves around since I live on mountain forest but I don't go out, so doesn't matter), my family tries to support me and I attempt to cut any rumminations since my thinking is less "possesed" by neuroemotions now. Still, there's some combined set of symptoms starting around headaches and moving to nauseaous feelings that creates a level of discomfort that keeps even my non-anxious self (or maybe I am this anxious/panicking but don't realize it?) in a rather terrible shape. Maybe I should go back to sleeping more throughout the day? I was feeling terribly yesterday and today morning but I pushed through with distractions (sort of like treating thinking about symptoms as "lava on the floor, don't touch the floor") and managed to survive with my brain still trying to make up for me not focusing on my state. Should I just treat each terrible moment with managing anxiety alone? Maybe I'm in a wave now, but I feel so not myself, so "owned" by all these malfunctions that even better moments don't keep me in hopes. In realistic improvement pace, even with no more "attacks", surviving another week or two is just incredibly upsetting perspective and I don't even prognose obstacles which objectively may occur.

 

On 2/14/2024 at 7:14 PM, getofflex said:

Here is what I would do.  Spend a few minutes each day recording your symptoms, and rate each one.  Then, do your best to forget about your symptoms for the rest of the day.  You can also record your sleep, eating, sexual activities, and other activities.  Do this for a while, and this may help you to see what may cause an increase in your symptoms.

I tried that in december and what makes it difficult is that the symptoms are just not stable enough even by now. I almost completely lost track of waves and windows after that panic attack on 22.01 and that funeral and that appointment lately. I feel like after this much stress my brain makes me suffer next 3-9 days and at this point I just don't know where I am with all that because too many times I said "probably a wave, maybe tommorow will be better" only to find out the day I said that was in top 2 that week. It's even hard to label these symptoms now, I just asign them to that list you linked based on the most similair one I can find there, for example if the symptom is the head grip, I count it as headache though how I feel my head 1) changed numerous times already 2) returned to some of these states more than once. I had some conclusions like sweets (even if fruit) causing manic or agitated state and fainting-like feeling but these were later proven inconsistent. I'm no longer in a phase when I was hypersensitive to certain food, but I do avoid some of them until now. My mom found some CBD+melissa relax tea but I have some trauma-like barrier. Not sure how much this is withdrawal itself and how much I just self-imposed fear to going out (not wanting to have most frightening symptoms in public) or ingesting some stuff (taking any med, even painkiller now seems impossible like I expected it to take me back into these december days state). Or will it pass with time and I can ignore it for now?

 

On 2/14/2024 at 7:22 PM, mstimc said:

Baccate, Getofflex gave you great advice! Its okay to recognize your symptoms, but then accept them and let them go. I refer to it as naming your dragon and then showing it the door.   You can even run a script in your head, like "Okay, I'm feeling anxious in this situation.  Its not the situation--its my anxiety. I've done the right thing by recognizing that, and I no longer need to pay attention to it."  If you start asking yourself, "will this situation/thing/object trigger my anxiety?" , the answer will almost be "yes" because your anxious mind wants you to scan your life for new triggers.  Recognize anxious thoughts but then let them go

Yes, you guys are golden. I'm incredibly busy throughout the day and yet symptoms try to drag me into thinking about them. Too many times I'm in the middle of eating or showering and the most terrifying realizations shape my mood even without me noticing. I know I won't solve them by thinking though. It's the memories of some attacks happening when I was completely not focusing on my symptoms that get me alerted. Hopefully they no longer appear.

 

 

 

[getofflex]

52 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

My mom found some CBD+melissa relax tea

I would completely avoid CDB, THC, kratom, and any other mind altering substances.  These have unpredictable results for people in withdrawal.  

 

Recording and rating your symptoms is completely up to you.  I never did that myself.  It's just best to try to not focus on them that much at all. 

[BaccatePlayer]

21 minutes ago, getofflex said:

I would completely avoid CDB, THC, kratom, and any other mind altering substances.  These have unpredictable results for people in withdrawal.  

That's precisely why I didn't like the idea. This tea was bought in shop and it's probably around 0,2g CBD but knowing what's happening with me I just don't feel like experimenting. Any worsening or unpredictable reaction now is absolutely not what I need.

 

21 minutes ago, getofflex said:

Recording and rating your symptoms is completely up to you.  I never did that myself.  It's just best to try to not focus on them that much at all. 

Given uncontrollable nature of all this, I try to pay attention somewhere else. For the most part it doesn't even feel like single symptoms appearing, more like a generally broken sense of my own self stays the same throughout days. The WDnormal objectively gets better and better in my case but others still tell me my condition is all I am talking about all the time. Changes happening quickly and catching my attention I guess.

 

I really start wondering if I have withdrawal afterall. Technically symptoms do match somehow, but all these brain experiences are just so alien. People do work or even exercise according to their comments, for me this sounds way too dangerous. Or maybe I'm just too early in my phase to relate to that? Then again, people describe all kinds of experiences... I was thinking "maybe these tablets were expired?", "maybe I just developed panic disorder?", "maybe I have some psychosis that becomes self-fullfilling prophecy?" - I'm gonna stop wondering about it, but my thinking feels broken, even after I calm myself down...

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

really start wondering if I have withdrawal afterall. Technically symptoms do match somehow, but all these brain experiences are just so alien. People do work or even exercise according to their comments, for me this sounds way too dangerous. Or maybe I'm just too early in my phase to relate to that? Then again, people describe all kinds of experiences... I was thinking "maybe these tablets were expired?", "maybe I just developed panic disorder?", "maybe I have some psychosis that becomes self-fullfilling prophecy?" - I'm gonna stop wondering about it, but my thinking feels broken, even after I calm myself down...

It sounds like you're "scanning" again, trying to find a reason for what you're feeling when there really isn't a reason other than brain wiring and withdrawal.  As Getofflex said, don't spend time and emotional energy looking for reasons why your thoughts and feelings come. They're going to come no matter what.  The only thing that's important is how you manage them. 

[BaccatePlayer]

16 hours ago, mstimc said:

It sounds like you're "scanning" again, trying to find a reason for what you're feeling when there really isn't a reason other than brain wiring and withdrawal.  As Getofflex said, don't spend time and emotional energy looking for reasons why your thoughts and feelings come. They're going to come no matter what.  The only thing that's important is how you manage them. 

This afternoon was the first time since that reaction I felt sadness. Not in a negative sense like there was no despair nor unproductive gloom, but I genuinely felt content with negative outlook. I looked at everything with my usual, cynical view and there was no desire to do something with it. No tears, no panic, no anxiety. Just my contemplated sight observing surroundings. This was probably the closest to my default mood before IAR/withdrawal, even moreso than that frustration that reappeared before funeral. Until now, it would likely be replaced with some elavated reaction prompting me to quickly seek fix, but now I was able to let go of that.

 

My girlfriend says I finally look like my normal self on the outside. I alternate between standing, walking, sitting or lying as needed without fear. Balance issues no longer bother me, I still feel my head being heavy and warmer, gripped by something inside, but I kept ignoring headaches.

 

All this is a light side of awareness. Behind this lies a very dark side, activated via stress or checking my state, thinking about it in a very deterministic sense. It feels like my nerves are completely broken, staying there on the dark side invites wanting to die, desperation, everything in my body suddenly feels like self-destructing. Therefore, I don't stay there. The problem is, there's very little margin of error. I can only stop myself from entering this state of awareness so much. I can be distracted for hours, but I eventually have to stop. I lie in my bed or eat or take bath and I am left with feeling all this again. No anxiety, no panic, but still it malfunctions and didn't heal until now.

 

It was a huge wave. Maybe still is. I rely on better days too much. There needs to be coping all the time. If it's about to last another 2, 4, maybe more months, the difference beteeen two days is insignificant and one day already feels like eternity. I'm stuck at being aware that no one else but me will have to go through all next days. There are no breaks on demand and there is no relief from some of the symptoms. Maybe I should stop posting here for some time. I have all the links and answers I need and it won't get any better than certain point cause some things simply lie only on me and there is no shortcut. It's just a pity that I see how much my parents, my girl, my sister, my friends and you guys here do to make me feel better and yet my spoiled mindset fails to accept that I may be doing everything right and still go through discomfort. I tell myself all this will go back to normal and that there is an evident improvement since beginning, but I'm such a control freak that I can't believe it for real. There was no day confidently survived yet, it all changes each day confusing me and discomfort is still too high. I'm not anxious nor panicky now, but ranting always felt like progression to my ego, so I at least brought order from my mess of thoughts. Words seem to be the only valueable thing that my overthinking mind produces.

[Kaylaq]

Writing is good…while others in your life might not understand your head space, here we do, we have lived it!  For me reading the struggles of others in this process helps me to not feel so alone…, 
 

letting go of control isn’t easy, especially since we have no control during the waves…but surrender helps, riding it out, is all you can do.  Keep it simple!  Seek out healthy distractions! 
 

sending you much courage through this difficult period 😊

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

There needs to be coping all the time. If it's about to last another 2, 4, maybe more months, the difference beteeen two days is insignificant and one day already feels like eternity. I'm stuck at being aware that no one else but me will have to go through all next days.

Hi Baccate

I know what you're feeling very well. Its the loneliest feeling in the world, that even people who've been through it can't totally understand what you're experiencing., and that it will never stop. I get it.  but it will get better of you allow yourself the chance, time, and self-compassion to heal. This isn't a race or an endurance test. Healing and recovery take time. You have the right idea--look at things over the long term, not small day to day changes that don't mean anything.  In a few months, when you look back, you'll see how far you've come.  You will recover!

[BaccatePlayer]

39 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

Writing is good…while others in your life might not understand your head space, here we do, we have lived it!  For me reading the struggles of others in this process helps me to not feel so alone…, 
 

letting go of control isn’t easy, especially since we have no control during the waves…but surrender helps, riding it out, is all you can do.  Keep it simple!  Seek out healthy distractions! 
 

sending you much courage through this difficult period 😊

Thank you, Kaylaq! I'd still be "writing" by having an internal monologue should I stop posting, but it's definitelly a more lonely feeling vulnerable to bias (and not the good kind since neuroemotions wants me to feel helpless), so I try to relate to others and figures like saints that were suffering somehow. Distractions often have that excitement component which I'm also afraid of. As if getting lost in something would be a bigger burden for my brain that it'd have a hard time sorting itself out after. The sensations when brain is in the process of finding balance are quite scary. Hopefully the system regulates itself enough so that my mind can adjust to any tempo without making me feel like I'm tossed around like in a bad trip. Much appreciation, I probably needed that more than I thought since my family is tired of me talking about my symptoms all the time.

 

10 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Hi Baccate

I know what you're feeling very well. Its the loneliest feeling in the world, that even people who've been through it can't totally understand what you're experiencing., and that it will never stop. I get it.  but it will get better of you allow yourself the chance, time, and self-compassion to heal. This isn't a race or an endurance test. Healing and recovery take time. You have the right idea--look at things over the long term, not small day to day changes that don't mean anything.  In a few months, when you look back, you'll see how far you've come.  You will recover!

Hi mstimc! I was just terrified how inhuman I feel all the time. There's this one big symptom that's about just simply feeling like you are yourself... and I don't feel like myself. I feel there's some layer going through each of my nerve from head to toe and it doesn't feel right. That's the most worrying symptom, the one that puts me in biggest doubts because headaches, nausea or anything else comes and goes, but this is basically omnipresent and even a single thought changes its activity. I'm also aware that I am capable of going out and doing many things, but since my state is so unbearable even if I do everything right, I don't even want to know how would I feel if I did anything more risky. Others can understand that I can't lift heavy now, but they don't realize I feel like being carried by something inside and not controlling myself like I normally do. Like my nerves were always wooden and suddenly they turned plastic, that's how I feel. If this symptom really goes away, if it's just a matter of time and not taking any meds I can do it. I'm also careful not to injure myself nor catch a virus since that would probably be too much for my CNS. Thanks a lot!

[BaccatePlayer]

I assume this is all panic and anxiety in play now, but I woke up with very, very wierd thoughts (had them before sleeping too) like thinking I'm dying or that my ears will suddenly increase volume so much that I won't be able to bear it. I quickly recognized this is a symptom and decided not to feed it. This "cloud" of thoughts still holds me and keeps me in low mood, but each time something like this pops up in my mind I just tell myself "this is not what I really believe, it can be logically proven unrealistic" and I'm leaving this thought getting back to what I was doing. Extremely challenging, but hour by hour it gets weaker (I hope).

 

No nightmares today I think though some pulls inside my brain occured as I was falling asleep. Been very sleepy, so I slept long and it was satisfying. Clogged ears and tinnitus don't bother me that much. There's something in this "activating system"(?) that likely keeps me on the edge of panic now because any worry, arousal or stress instantly sets me in worse state, so I will spend this day on trying to distract myself with something very low pace and use anxiety management techniques you link/suggest here. I tell myself this is needed for healing and that I survived clusters of several days that were insanely bad already.

 

I've noticed some things like knowing I stay home alone don't trigger panic anymore. Before, I felt like my body gets ready to question my balance and run all kinds of wierd sensations. Now it's no issue. Days like these are still way too high on difficulty scale (maybe not over 10/10 or even 10/10 but too many moments drift away from "I'm handling it" narrative), so I look forward until all symptoms weaken enough for me to feel capable of managing that state, but it seems I might be like a month too early to expect that.

 

I got over feelings of guilt regarding what I do now. I thought that it's some punnishment when I get an attack or a wave, but it seems like these cycles occur regardless. Each day I feel my head is struggling to sort itself out and when one phase ends, the other one starts and I have to go through adjustement phase like stepping from sand after learning how to walk on it onto ice to learn everything again. There will be no good time for anything anyways because I did different things on better or worse days and both still occured later on. 

 

Huge appreciation for all of you guys! I was totally not thinking like myself, there was some sulky, bad air in my speech.

 

I was about to finish this post at the previous paragraph (I write them in different time intervals), but I went downstairs to my family and yet again, horrible suffering got me. Seriously I don't even know how it is making me feel so much pain that I thought I couldn't bear it. 10/10 difficulty experience. I feel severely damaged now, lasting next minutes seems impossible. I'm going to my room and try to treat anxiety even though what I feel is pain/suffering and not fear/panic. I can't have any more calm conditions than I'm having now yet some internal unbearable suffering owns me. I don't even know how to explain this, it's like some psychotic or neurological virus destroying me. I can't take meds for it, I can't call ambulance, I'm even too scared to harm myself... Haven't felt this bad (or I did but on some different regions) ever. Help...

 

[getofflex]

When you get this internal suffering, tell yourself that you only have to survive the next hour, or even the next minute.  Do this for each hour/minute.  I've experienced this very same thing, and I've survived it.  It know it is really hard.  It gets better, it truly does.  Try to distract yourself from this with a simple and repetitive physical activity - coloring, drawing, knitting, crafts, simple cleaning chores, cooking, or walking. What really helps me is a strong spiritual life.   Please see Finding Meaning

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, getofflex said:

When you get this internal suffering, tell yourself that you only have to survive the next hour, or even the next minute.  Do this for each hour/minute.  I've experienced this very same thing, and I've survived it.  It know it is really hard.  It gets better, it truly does.  Try to distract yourself from this with a simple and repetitive physical activity - coloring, drawing, knitting, crafts, simple cleaning chores, cooking, or walking. What really helps me is a strong spiritual life.   Please see Finding Meaning

Seems on point. I couldn't catch it right away (like it sometimes happens with neuroemotions) but this was a similair attack I've had probably somewhere at the beginning of the year (and maybe one or two times in december though back then everything was happening at once, so I can't recall it well). It has been building up for several last days and three hours ago it kind of like "exploded". I was on the "just keep yourself busy" mindset and at some point it broke me when I realized I can't go on with distracting strategy any longer. Seriously, I was sitting with my family at the table, we were discussing today's ski jumping competition and I would never thought it will just completely dominate my mind in seconds. Something was surely off with my emotions/thoughts and I failed to suspect what's going on. In fact, the moment I started feeling anxious about it my focus shifted. After I lied down I played Jacobson's relaxation training podcast on my phone (still, interrupted by a dinner) and after some minutes I started praying (or rather begging for relief in a few tears) and told my mom about it. I was in such intimmidated, scared state for a while and then I felt frustrated (mentioning this because it all felt unnatural, like still induced artificially by my condition) and then dad dragged me to tax paper work (who is also struggling with meds' effects but more on the diabetes-hypertension plane) which made me even more frustrated. Now I feel unwell, nauseaous and headaches appeared too. Must have been some major shift going on in my brain that takes few days to stabilize, maybe I have one-day waves and also "giant waves" like this one. Overall it didn't end with panic attack, so my reaction probably wasn't harmful, I just went through suffering and got shaken by it a bit. Best I can do now is, I believe, just get back on track with what I was doing (mainly drawing, making plasticine figures, watching sports, writing Original Characters and doing laundry) and hopefully my balance restores. Rainy and gray day, so I stay home anyways.

 

I believe when you say it gets better, for the record it never happened in February before, just that derealization attack which was after a highly stimulating day (funeral), so if this was some tax from my appointment with doctor (that night was full of panic and changing emotions too) I may be on a track of large improvement now that I had very little external stress in the last few days. Even if it were to occur regardless, that still makes just two edge attacks this month which is less burden in total than in January or December. I'm sorry you had to go through it as well, it really stoles the sanity for some time and rational thoughts seem to totally lose power in the moment. Just like waves get less intense/shorter/rarer this one should too. I was really heavily posessed by it despite focusing on other things. Felt incredibly damaged and doomed for many moments despite repeating that it's just because of symptoms and logically I must recover fully in the future as well as single symptoms always passing with time. I even told my friend yesterday that it may be really bad for another day or two and then it will be much better yet I couldn't access my composure. Thanks a lot getofflex, my spiritual life is mostly catholic+Enneagram, I try to stay strong and hopeful, it was probably just a temporary crisis.

[getofflex]

Just from what you've said in the past and now, I'm wondering if you are getting overstimulated and overwhelmed by the interactions with your family?  I'm wondering if they are demanding on you?  For example, your dad forcing you to look at tax paper work?  This could cause stress on you, which would make your symptoms worse.  Stress causes our body to produce adrenaline, which can definitely make us feel pretty bad in withdrawal.  You might look into learning ways of setting boundaries with them.  They won't like it, especially in the beginning, but this may be a good coping technique, and will serve you well in the future, even after you no longer have withdrawal.  Here are some videos about boundary setting.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AW9ENJIt1o

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIccuGuoznk

 

There is an excellent book on boundaries (written from a Christian perspective) called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.   You can get it on amazon.com.  

 

[Kaylaq]

My heart goes out to you during your intense wave. 🙏  be even more kind to yourself during this time.  As you wrote you are having less of these attacks… hang on to the mantra, “everyday I’m healing, everyday I’m healthier” 

drink extra water too during this time to flush out the extra stress on your body! 
 

we are here for you 🙏🙏🥰

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

Just from what you've said in the past and now, I'm wondering if you are getting overstimulated and overwhelmed by the interactions with your family?  I'm wondering if they are demanding on you?  For example, your dad forcing you to look at tax paper work?  This could cause stress on you, which would make your symptoms worse.  Stress causes our body to produce adrenaline, which can definitely make us feel pretty bad in withdrawal.  You might look into learning ways of setting boundaries with them.  They won't like it, especially in the beginning, but this may be a good coping technique, and will serve you well in the future, even after you no longer have withdrawal.  Here are some videos about boundary setting.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AW9ENJIt1o

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIccuGuoznk

 

There is an excellent book on boundaries (written from a Christian perspective) called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.   You can get it on amazon.com.  

I think this was mostly an issue at the beginning when my parents didn't even realize that it doesn't take single days or even weeks to cure as well as how severe it was. I remember when I passed my friend's prediction to my mom (some time in January) that it may last up to march and she was extremely shocked. Now I think they understand more as I showed some quotes from this forum. My mom was thinking this is my default state and said that she doesn't mind me staying home all days cause she can take care of me, but how will I be living if I can't even go to shop. She thought I should just push through and get back to normal. I told her about how supportive you guys are, how it happens to you, how you encourage me to stay distracted and endure the bad times because it will pass. After some time she said that even though I didn't tell her how I feel yesterday she could tell I'm suffering and she stopped demanding anything. When I suggest I need to lie down for a while, she says "you know what will work for you best", when I go downstairs she hugs me or holds my hand saying "stay strong, it will get better" or starts telling some observations when she notices I may be stuck at thinking about my symptoms. It's only a problem when she believes I completely stopped trying to cope or talk about my symptoms all day with no other topics. My sister finds me too different from her to cooperate with me in most cases, so no burden here either. My girlfriend just accepts what I told her about my condition and follows my tempo. If I initiate something she goes along, if not - no complains. My friend puts a bit too much faith into things like kratom, CBD, xanax and morphin, but he won't convince me. Overall supportive enviroment but my dad. I probably have a father complex. He shames me for not being a man and treats me as if I was never shaken. Born choleric but he mostly places his frustration on my sister. It's probably only my mom who "lives this reaction and now withdrawal with me". Sister and dad are just there how they were and seem unaffected by it. I don't interact them that much. Thanks a lot for the suggestions, I will definitelly prioritize my limits (I already made good progress sofar) and focus on reducing stress (this will always come in handy) by checking what's too much and what works just fine.

 

This tuesday the overall state changed a bit to resemble the one from the first weeks of reaction. Head feels similair (though much less chemically burden, back then I felt like wearing a sticker with boiling chemicals on my brain) and dealing with vertigo required opposite action - it started with me walking for over 5 hours from room to room in december because I couldn't sit, then it switched into me only being able to lie or sit curbed and struggled with walking, now I feel decent with either because balance issues are minimal, but walking and standing works better than sitting or lying. Also cheeks, ears and forehead are warm just like during hypersensitivity phase at the beginning of reaction (though I wouldn't call it hot flushes now, more like some sensitive peak resting on these areas), but also some new symptoms appeared like false smells while some didn't make a return from that phase like menthol chest.

 

2 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

My heart goes out to you during your intense wave. 🙏  be even more kind to yourself during this time.  As you wrote you are having less of these attacks… hang on to the mantra, “everyday I’m healing, everyday I’m healthier” 

drink extra water too during this time to flush out the extra stress on your body! 
 

we are here for you 🙏🙏🥰

Thank you, Kaylaq! I'm keeping myself away from stress and even got pleasant goosebumps from your beautiful response. I can see from experience that symptoms do weaken with time, the mental ones are tougher though. I have more "clear mind" moments but it seems I'm still adjusting to some emotions and though patterns. I'll keep in mind that I'm one step closer to full recovery. This upsetting moment I think, was still shorter than the last one, so I can see some light of hope. Just prepared a bottle of water on bedside table. Sending lots of appreciation for being there for me!

 

[BaccatePlayer]

Tonight no pulls nor other glitches from brain occured. No nightmares either. I woke up with mild headaches and feeling nauseaous as well as fainty while standing. My thoughts were still very shaken, I almost felt like in another dimension, this is incredibly powerful and upsetting state that I didn't want to stay.

 

Therefore I told my friend about how I feel and how thinking about my condition puts me in such alien, almost psychotic perception. He said it's no worries because my brain functions just fine, it's only unbalanced and reacts with this shock to new wierd standards. I really needed reassurance that it will fix itself with time too cause others don't seem to mention it or maybe they do but I'm more "graphic" with what I feel. I came across a post here from someone also struggling with sertraline effects saying they're afraid it's permanent and that it feels worse than anxiety or panic. After I surrounded myself with more quotes saying it's not permanent and no damage occured, I felt much safer. I knew that already, but with more changes and this exact symptom (which is likely the only one that bothers me now) not disappearing yet I was very worried. My friend also told me not to take these experiences seriously and it somehow got into my head. I realized that I kept myself physically busy and just focused on not allowing myself to have panic attack all that time, but I wasn't exactly removed from observing my internal symptoms and rumminations.

 

I decided to put more effort into absorbing external world and pushing my internal world into other topics. After a while mental agitation and feelings of alienation weakened significantly like my thinking started to be more clean. You guys were telling me the right things all the time and I believed, but it seems like I was lacking some "aha" realization because I failed the execution a bit. Now I still have this really awful state accessible and it tries to win over my attention every once in a while, but I know I will find nothing but suffering there, so as hard as it is, I need to trust that it should be abandoned and I must act like I'm deaf to it. When I start to focus on TV for example on a very deep level I feel pretty much as good as during sleep. Still, my brain sends me messages like "oh no, what am I doing? I should watch out for what's going on inside me!" and fighting it is as of now full-time job. Maybe with time my brain will start to stay distracted more easily and it would take more than a single thought to get me out of my activities. I didn't even realize how much I was dragged into overanalyzing, probably neuroemotions to blame, but now I will try to remember that getting out of a terrible mood is often a matter of getting my mind out of it instead of trying to solve it and observe how it works. Hopefully I won't forget it in a few days.

 

Anyways, right now I feel like my only symptom left is that malfunctioning trigger. Hard to imagine how it will heal itself but then again if not thinking about it is enough to feel almost totally cured, then maybe it just needs to "dry out". Did I just reinvent withdrawal definition coming to this eureka in the most complicated way? Sounds like regular me. Sorry, I was just really scared by how this "button" in my thinking doesn't work properly yet, especially at night I was very concerned because it literally tried to overwrite my sanity. I was also afraid of auditory and visual hallucinations but this is probably not coming since it didn't so far. If there is any symptom that appears in front of me I just tell myself "that's brain glitch, not serious, will pass when I shift my attention to somewhere, no need to elaborate, stay calm".

[Gonzo]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Tonight no pulls nor other glitches from brain occured. No nightmares either. I woke up with mild headaches and feeling nauseaous as well as fainty while standing. My thoughts were still very shaken, I almost felt like in another dimension, this is incredibly powerful and upsetting state that I didn't want to stay.

 

Therefore I told my friend about how I feel and how thinking about my condition puts me in such alien, almost psychotic perception. He said it's no worries because my brain functions just fine, it's only unbalanced and reacts with this shock to new wierd standards. I really needed reassurance that it will fix itself with time too cause others don't seem to mention it or maybe they do but I'm more "graphic" with what I feel. I came across a post here from someone also struggling with sertraline effects saying they're afraid it's permanent and that it feels worse than anxiety or panic. After I surrounded myself with more quotes saying it's not permanent and no damage occured, I felt much safer. I knew that already, but with more changes and this exact symptom (which is likely the only one that bothers me now) not disappearing yet I was very worried. My friend also told me not to take these experiences seriously and it somehow got into my head. I realized that I kept myself physically busy and just focused on not allowing myself to have panic attack all that time, but I wasn't exactly removed from observing my internal symptoms and rumminations.

 

I decided to put more effort into absorbing external world and pushing my internal world into other topics. After a while mental agitation and feelings of alienation weakened significantly like my thinking started to be more clean. You guys were telling me the right things all the time and I believed, but it seems like I was lacking some "aha" realization because I failed the execution a bit. Now I still have this really awful state accessible and it tries to win over my attention every once in a while, but I know I will find nothing but suffering there, so as hard as it is, I need to trust that it should be abandoned and I must act like I'm deaf to it. When I start to focus on TV for example on a very deep level I feel pretty much as good as during sleep. Still, my brain sends me messages like "oh no, what am I doing? I should watch out for what's going on inside me!" and fighting it is as of now full-time job. Maybe with time my brain will start to stay distracted more easily and it would take more than a single thought to get me out of my activities. I didn't even realize how much I was dragged into overanalyzing, probably neuroemotions to blame, but now I will try to remember that getting out of a terrible mood is often a matter of getting my mind out of it instead of trying to solve it and observe how it works. Hopefully I won't forget it in a few days.

 

Anyways, right now I feel like my only symptom left is that malfunctioning trigger. Hard to imagine how it will heal itself but then again if not thinking about it is enough to feel almost totally cured, then maybe it just needs to "dry out". Did I just reinvent withdrawal definition coming to this eureka in the most complicated way? Sounds like regular me. Sorry, I was just really scared by how this "button" in my thinking doesn't work properly yet, especially at night I was very concerned because it literally tried to overwrite my sanity. I was also afraid of auditory and visual hallucinations but this is probably not coming since it didn't so far. If there is any symptom that appears in front of me I just tell myself "that's brain glitch, not serious, will pass when I shift my attention to somewhere, no need to elaborate, stay calm".

The obsessive focus on your inner experiences, thoughts, feelings, sensations, reactions, etc, it's part of the psychiatric indoctrination, that's why they call all those things "symptoms", so psychiatry train us with the psychiatric diagnoses false medical narratives and treatments to obsess with our internal experiences and to try suppress them (as if they're signs and symptoms of disease, of something dangerous, which makes them distressing), which doesn't work because when you give obsessive attention to those experiences they become stronger. It's not just a brain glitch, you were probably trained to do that. Once you overcome the psychiatric indoctrination/toxic training everything will become easier, it's a matter of changing your mentality/meaning framework regarding your inner experiences, it can happen slowly tho.

 

There is meaning behind every behavior, thought, feeling, emotion, reaction, but it can be difficult to find that meaning, for sure is impossible trapped in the psychiatric sick mindset that makes you self obsess.

[Kaylaq]

yeah to insights 👍🏼👍🏼 keep working on getting out of your headspace-ruminating thoughts, yes, it’s hard work too! 😊🥰

[BaccatePlayer]

4 hours ago, Gonzo said:

The obsessive focus on your inner experiences, thoughts, feelings, sensations, reactions, etc, it's part of the psychiatric indoctrination, that's why they call all those things "symptoms", so psychiatry train us with the psychiatric diagnoses false medical narratives and treatments to obsess with our internal experiences and to try suppress them (as if they're signs and symptoms of disease, of something dangerous, which makes them distressing), which doesn't work because when you give obsessive attention to those experiences they become stronger. It's not just a brain glitch, you were probably trained to do that. Once you overcome the psychiatric indoctrination/toxic training everything will become easier, it's a matter of changing your mentality/meaning framework regarding your inner experiences, it can happen slowly tho.

 

There is meaning behind every behavior, thought, feeling, emotion, reaction, but it can be difficult to find that meaning, for sure is impossible trapped in the psychiatric sick mindset that makes you self obsess.

Interesting. I don't necessarly look at it in broad perspective, just being afraid of pain and unpleasant sensations or feelings. I would do anything so the attacks or waves never appeared again or at least were bearable. It's really the prospect of having to experience these uncomfortable moments and the awareness that withdrawal may take long time yet before I feel myself that scares me.

 

3 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

yeah to insights 👍🏼👍🏼 keep working on getting out of your headspace-ruminating thoughts, yes, it’s hard work too! 😊🥰

Thank you! This day was definitelly better than yesterday though I won't feel completely free of thinking about my condition before it's at least more bearable. At least I managed to restore sober thinking that doesn't feel like I'm posessed.

[BaccatePlayer]

Some thoughts I've been having today... The success stories from here contain recovery times that upset me even more, so I better not read them for now. I seem to be having some trauma regarding this topic, I told my mom I'm quite resigned knowing it could take months and she said (in context of overall treatment of my mental issues) that we're wasting time sitting at home with me not taking any meds. This activated that shock feeling in my mind. Why is it such a trigger? I mean, being afraid of taking meds may actually be helpful now, but not me getting so stressed and having such unusual reaction by this topic...

 

On that tuesday night I was lying in bed watching TV and when I raised my head I experienced wierd shock and I felt some excrescence(?) or overgrowth formed in the front of my forehead and sides (inside of course). When I touch it even now the sides are very sensitive and the front feels more full and of different shape like there was some mounting foam area. It stores my sensations now, I can feel it if I frown or wash my face. I already had this experience at the beginning of my journey, but it eventually went away. This week it reappeared and is still there. Wierd, but I hope it going away again won't be painful nor scary.

 

Even with a more composed and rational thinking when I consider it may last more than 3 months in total I can't help but feel extremely resigned. Even seeing how it gets better... it still gets better in tragically slow tempo, I still try to just survive the day and my mood has to be rescued the whole time with lots of effort and I even need to vent to others on top of that. Parents are no issue, if I told my mom that it will look like this for a given period and then I'm back to normal she'd understand, but I don't even know how will the next day look like. I already dropped sleeping through waves mid January believing things won't be this bad any longer, but I think I need to get back to it.

 

Obviously I am hopeful and don't even consider anything other than getting better and eventually recovering but if I'm about to find myself in situation when it's, let's say 26.04 and I'm posting about how I just had unbearable wave then it's five times more depressing than the worst scenario I am actually considering now and I'm not even under neuroemotions... Wish I could toughen up or something. Sorry for whinning again, I probably don't benefit from dark winter evenings. I do feel better when I talk this through, just in a constructive and reassuring sense. Like it really was a trauma that I mentally need to deal with.

[BaccatePlayer]

Sorry for posting so often. I feel like going insane. For the last days I felt so inhuman, so crazy like I really barely held any contact with reality. Everything seeming so alien. If this is a symptom (derealization?) then I'm just gonna lie in bed now and keep telling myself that it will pass (though it's really a struggle that already last days) and try to calm myself down. It's probably stress from reading about how long it can last. This feels incredibly real, so strong it overshades my senses. I wasn't ready for symptoms being this borderline bad. I had thoughts about having some other defects other than withdrawal too. It's all way too serious for me to bear it. I really, really need improvement there. Phosphens flying in front of my eyes excessively too. Is there a chance once this wave ends it would leave my thinking in peace from then on? If it's a traceback to some other giant waves, then it should end within three days. And to think this month is still better than previous one...

[Gonzo]

Yes, feeling that reality is alien or unfamiliar to you can be a symptom of withdrawal, I personally experienced that and still do.

 

The best way to reconnect is to connect with others, try to tell someone what you're going through, specially someone you have trust in.

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

If this is a symptom (derealization?) then I'm just gonna lie in bed now and keep telling myself that it will pass (though it's really a struggle that already last days) and try to calm myself down.

Lying in bed may not be the best course to take because you're only isolating yourself further--its just you and your ruminations.  Try some simple exercises to reconnect to reality.  Look around your room and name five things that catch your attention.  Then name five colors you see.  Count the number of books or trinkets on a shelf.  Keep finding things to name, notice, or count until you feel a little calmer and more connected. Then go into another room and do it again.  You can manage this! 

[BaccatePlayer]

3 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yes, feeling that reality is alien or unfamiliar to you can be a symptom of withdrawal, I personally experienced that and still do.

I'm so sorry... I wish we could get over it as soon as possible. I should probably be more grateful for better moments because I may be expecting too much for barely over 2 months.

 

11 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Lying in bed may not be the best course to take because you're only isolating yourself further--its just you and your ruminations.  Try some simple exercises to reconnect to reality.  Look around your room and name five things that catch your attention.  Then name five colors you see.  Count the number of books or trinkets on a shelf.  Keep finding things to name, notice, or count until you feel a little calmer and more connected. Then go into another room and do it again.  You can manage this! 

I was actually outside when that happened, first praying in my garden, then walking with dog and talking to my uncle. After an hour I felt it's getting cold, so I got back home where I was alone for another half an hour anyways. My head feels unpleasantly gripped now with some cold headache spots, I feel nauseaous and balance doesn't feel good either. I'm probably in f(l)ight mode now because any worry/stress/arousal invites the symptoms more. I'm gonna try this exercise. Sounds like a variant of 3-3-3 rule.

 

Feeling a bit more connected, but shaken now. I'll focus on calming myself and placing my focus on my surrounding. Thanks mstimc, I can always count on your perspective. I know this is always coming from me and it's not what I should give any power to, but I'm still struggling to think of anything else for too long. It was much easier when there was no wave like that, but that still shouldn't disarm me so quickly.

[BaccatePlayer]

Symptoms kept persisting so badly that I had no hope left. Parents had enough of me reporting unbearable moments so many times that I completely gave up. I had unbearable attack of suffering inside, again for an hour, still went with them to birthday party next day and decided I will just go back to everything as if nothing and stop reporting anything to them. I was working in the garden, went to town with them, went to shop, went to sunday mass, to the cementary, today I went to church again and to the barber.

 

Previous sunday I had a very bad wave. Head extremely hot, wierd lagging vision, feeling super unwell, some internal panic bombs hurting me, shock-like sense of dimensionality but I acted as if nothing was going on. Next day wave was over but I still felt these symptoms in some way. Very distracted outside, when I got home in the evening things felt better. Next day, similair story. Building chicken coop and although very challenging, I started feeling better later. Next day, the same. Thursday was way stronger on altered thinking and wierd sensations regarding my position, but I made it through. Friday mostly better except for the end. Saturday, another wave. Sunday wave still persisting. Monday, I reached extreme peak of derealization attack. The thoughts were literally like dying and altering my perception of self. Such an alien and wierd experience. I remained composed and waited that pain out. After an hour it stabilized but I still feel very, very wierd.

 

Today a lot of panic and depressed mood cloud. I was starting to feel confident about handling it somehow but then it hit me this badly that I snapped and told my mom. She was silently hoping I'm over it but encouraged to do what I feel is right for me.

 

Friends who've been through it say I just need to wait 10 days more for it to be bearable with no problem and another 30 days for it to become asymptomatic. I'm completely broken now, feeling like there is no bettering. It's only getting different, but still way above what I can handle. The thoughts are so wierd and neuroemotions getting stronger and stronger that I literally force distractions at all cost telling myself "it will pass, it's harmless, come on, just try one more day at least" because there's no relief. No windows, not feeling myself at all, it's all so broken that I lost all motivation. Why is everyone seeming to handle it better and suffer less? I don't panic, I wasn't even thinking about it this much this week, what do I do wrong? I even changed my attitude and going out doesn't stress me. Why do I feel it doesn't get any better? Is it because it just runs non-stop shifting between symptoms and one day it just poofs from 100% to 0? I can't live like that. If it alters my thinking this much then I can't even react properly. I'm busy all the time and still feel the symptoms so intensely that I can't even think freely. I need to invalidate most of what I experience and hold fists to bear every next day. Too many times I feel insane and there's nothing I can do. No meds, no suicide, nothing I can do...

[mstimc]

3 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Why is everyone seeming to handle it better and suffer less? I don't panic, I wasn't even thinking about it this much this week, what do I do wrong? I even changed my attitude and going out doesn't stress me. Why do I feel it doesn't get any better? Is it because it just runs non-stop shifting between symptoms and one day it just poofs from 100% to 0?

You've done nothing wrong except assume everyone else is handling better than you.  This is a very common thought, especially when someone reads about others' progress. Remember, this isn't a race and recovery isn't linear. You're not competing with others in WD and recovery--your body has its own timeline. If your symptoms go to zero, as you said, then you're already having windows, no matter how short.  Concentrate on those instead of wondering when the next wave will hit and what the symptoms will be.  Waves only have the power you give them.  Windows are signs of healing--celebrate them!

[BaccatePlayer]

14 minutes ago, mstimc said:

You're not competing with others in WD and recovery--your body has its own timeline.

Alright, I just remember main entrance about immediate adverse reactions from here and it said that it's usually more linear. Anyways, this is not about winning a race, I just see my (probably only) hope in how my friends reassure me that I'm close to an end of it. If I wake up and see my countdown getting reduced, it gives me at least some purpouse. Even if it's not completely gone after 3, 4 months, if it gets better, at least to manageable level then I can go on with it. If however I'd to pick up a mindset of "just live your current day and don't worry", no... This doesn't work and it's the fastest way to induce incredibly harmful panic in me that I already went through too many times. I don't even know how I'd ever approach it this way, maybe with some therapy, but the therapy itself would probably require more time than my recovery. I am already feeling very destructive panic by thinking that it's possible to go through more months of it, so I have to stop cause I wouldn't be able to calm myself down. Maybe if something changed I'd be able to forget about it even for a while and not just wait until symptoms get out of my way, but for now acceptance simply doesn't want to fit to my brain, at least not most of the time.

 

31 minutes ago, mstimc said:

If your symptoms go to zero, as you said, then you're already having windows, no matter how short

Nah, let me fix that: "Is me feeling like I don't improve because feeling sick/not feeling myself is omnipresent, 24/7 feeling and symptoms have to be felt 100% throughout the whole withdrawal despite them changing from one to another and the moment of recovery is them dropping to 0% right away?" - this is what I meant. My symptoms don't go to 0% yet. Some of them do, like I don't feel nauseaous all the time, but thoughts and even intensity of focus/awareness always trigger something. Those would be literally snapshots of minutes throughout some days when I may feel like it but it's more like the symptoms are not awaken rather than absent. I think I do have windows, but more in a sense that some days don't bring this strong burden as some others though.

 

38 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Waves only have the power you give them.  Windows are signs of healing--celebrate them!

Waves I can somehow bear though if they last 4-9 days then they obviously hinder my motivation. Worst are the moments of peak attack. It's usually a time during a wave when my body literally slows down, stomach stalls metabolism, my mind completely stops being able to focus on external enviroment and I get dragged into a very painful state inside. That's usually an hour long, at least lately and even though I learnt to avoid panicking in that state and just go for a walk or lie down focusing on something like a sight from the window, maybe telling someone about it, it's always very draining and traumatizing. I can be telling myself it's not real/harmful/long, but still it shakes me a lot and I can't move back to regular mood for a while (usually a day).

 

I do celebrate getting better, it's just that I still struggle to go through even one day more despite having fun, talking with others, restoring everything I ditched. The main thing that my friends say is that I complain about it too much and should enjoy/treat more neutral all these symptoms... I mean, unlike me they tried out many substances and probably have different approach to sensations as if something was taking control over my mind, but still I think I'm overreacting. There are always two questions that I can never satisfy: "Can this still be just a withdrawal/immediate adverse reactions if my experiences are this abnormal, this strange and such unbearable that literally everyone say I shouldn't panic that much?" and "Do I really improve and if I do, why it still didn't end and does that mean many months ahead of me left?"