ultimatumprisoncell: undoing 20+ years of antidepressant damage

[ultimatumprisoncell]

I joined this site a couple of weeks ago. After finding that paxilprogress was no more. I was devastated. That site may have truly saved my life in some of my darkest moments.

 

What is one to do? When essentially you've self-destructed in front of everyone you love; because of a nasty little "non-habit-forming" pill that's been shoved down your throat for decades.

 

So here I am. Time (weeks really) has eluded me. I meant to reach out sooner.  I'm just hoping I'm not reaching out too late. I feel like such a horrible failure. I know better than that at some level, know that maybe I failed but that I just have to pick up the broken pieces and keep moving forward. But I'm so I'll. I'm so weak. I'm so alone. And I feel so helpless.

 

My life may not have been a picnic before the introduction of SSRIs. But this is one situation in which the grass was truly greener on the side of which I was already standing. Before popping that first "innocent" little pink pill, prescribed by a doctor who had seen me only once and only spent 10 minutes "getting to know me". 

 

I couldn't tell you who that doctor was, I never saw him again. Nevertheless he was the first in probably nearly a hundred who have insisted upon continuing the saga.  And what better did I know? I was unhappy before the meds. I was often unstable on them. And I was clueless as to why I was saying and doing psychotic things (that I often didn't remember, or just have "snippets" of memory after the fact) and so violently ill when I decided I simply no longer wanted to take the pills. Or was even 12 hours late on a dose. (More about that and my travels down genetic testing road and CYP450 mutations later.)

 

All that being said; Hello to all in these forums. I'm the antisocial one. The antisocial one that sometimes doesn't know when it's appropriate to shut up. Or how to appropriately ask for help. But if you've been through it (psych med-wise), I probably have too. And vice versa. 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, UPC.

 

How much venlafaxine XR were you taking, for how long? How did you go off? How long have you been off completely?

 

Do you have any withdrawal symptoms?

 

How do you feel after taking 5mg Prozac?

[ultimatumprisoncell]

 

Thank you fit the prompt welcome, and I'm sorry for being so vague. It can be difficult to summarize things for me on general. But when my neurotransmitters refuse to cooperate? Forget it. 

 

It all started in 1995 with Paxil 20mg. Since then the list has included (often in cocktail form,) and this list is just a copy and paste from the other day of the top of my head:
PAXIL
PROZAC
ZOLOFT
WELLBUTRIN
PRISTIQ
EFFEXOR
REMERON
AMITRIPTYLINE
NORTRIPTYLINE
IMIPRAMINE
DOXEPIN
TRAZODONE
BUSPAR
ATARAX
ATIVAN
VALIUM
KLONOPIN
XANAX
TRANXENE
STRATTERA
METADATE
ADDERALL
Last up? Effexor XR. I was on it for probably 3 years. I had been wanting off these meds but too terrified to try. I'd actually been pretty unstable on a few of them to begin with. But then found out Effexor was causing cardiac problems and Secondary Hypertension. So... IT HAD TO GO
About... A month ago?...
Completely discontinued Effexor XR after a very slow taper (approximately 18 months). 150mg daily reduced very gradually (with the assistance of a local compounding pharmacy to 0.3125mg daily...

I've had to take daily injections of Zofran and sip ginger ale constantly to keep away the random bouts of nausea and vomiting. It was worse in the beginning but has never gone away. Nightmares, night terrors, and waking up several times a night soaked in sweat and have to change into dry PJ's. Auditory and visual hallucinations. Ataxia. Inability to focus on  anything that only worsened my all too frequent emotional outbursts

Then gone. And it was STILL torture. That was with the assistance of Zoloft (100mg titrated rapidly up to 200mg daily) introduced at the very first dose reduction of Effexor. Then there is the (originally 15mg daily) Adderall XR (now 25mg in the AM and another 10mg in the afternoon) that was necessitated by not only a complete inability to focus on anything but also for the very narcolepsy-like symptoms that prevented me from even being able to drive my car.

I was supposed to do a slow taper off Zoloft with a Prozac "washout" or so I've heard. But every day off the Effexor was just another day of barely hanging on by a thread. I wanted it over with. I flushed my meds. Twice. Haven't taken the Adderall or Zoloft at all in weeks. I've been in bed very ill since. I finally succumbed to taking the ATIVAN I've had a prn prescription for for years. Except I was only taking it once a day And the doctor had wanted me taking it 3 times as more of a temporary prophylactic measure.

 

So now I'm in bed sleeping 24/7 and violently ill. I've lost close to 20 pounds in the last month because I have no appetite. I'm not suicidal or in any way wanting to harm myself. But at the same time I don't want to live. I don't know how to make people understand that without them immediately thinking (or even thoughtlessly telling others) that I'm some kind of suicide or self-harm risk. I just want my brain back. I want the life back that I've destroyed (due to the detrimental effects of these medications). I've done so many things that can never be taken back. All I hear is "suck it up" "accept responsibility for your own actions" " BLAH blah blah blah blah..... I WISH I COULD. THE WORLD REFUSES TO ACCEPT THAT MAYBE I WOULD IF I ONLY COULD. BUT I CAN'T. I'll never have that life back. And so the world shuns me.

I gave in and took the 5mg of Prozac late last night. I did so as a last desparate attempt to quit being shunned by people who claim to care about me on their DEMANDS. But again I don't know WHY. It will never undo any of of the damage I'VE done to my relationships and to myself. Damages that would have never occurred were it not for these meds. I forced myself to get out of bed today. And the Prozac just seems to have made me feel worse. I'd not been sleeping well regardless. I slept none last night after taking the Prozac. I had horrible anxiety attacks all night and spent it crying and triple checking every window in the house to make sure they were locked. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. My mind is racing. I still can't think clearly, if anything I think it's worse. And I itch from head to toe.

 

Most of all I'm just sick of being everyone's joke. I'm sick of police officers and other SHOULD BE "PROFESSIONALS" laughing at me and calling me "f***ing psycho". Shame on them. If you've no interest in HELPING people, Mr. Officer, you've clearly made a poor career choice. 

I'm at a loss. I'm failing miserably. The Prozac just made me feel worse.

[Altostrata]

Now that the Prozac is wearing off, how have your symptoms changed?

[ultimatumprisoncell]

I wish I could say that the Prozac is wearing off, then again I ought be careful what I wish for. I haven't slept since I took it nearly 24 hours ago. Not for lack of effort. I can't stop crying. I'm weak and having palpitations with the littlest of effort. My body aches all over, more than usual.  I did force down plenty of fluids and ate a Jello cup voluntarily if you want to call that an improvement. But life is just a train wreck lately and the last couple of days undid me completely. I'm now dealing with a (SELF-INDUCED as others want to call it) crisis as a result of my last meltdown. And really, it wasn't much of a meltdown compared to my usual. But I REFUSE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY. THE MEDS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY. THIS IS NOT ME!!! 

[Downbutnotout]

I’m sorry. I feel the same way about myself.  I have been pretty miserable all day. I am not having physical symptoms like you, not at all. I am trying to tolerate it. You are strong!to put up with the emotional and physical part if it. And know it’s the drugs not you. 

[bhasski]

3 hours ago, ultimatumprisoncell said:

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY. THE MEDS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY. THIS IS NOT ME!!! 

We all understand here that this is not you. Even while writing I am not me. 

I also suffered badly and hell for past 2 years, but i will keep myself going.

 

Hi. I m so sorry you feeling this way. 

Just to say that you have been to  lot of medications where even a single one make people loose personality.  And so the actions are also influenced. So,

you don't have to listen for your actions if done. 

It will take time once you tapered all and while you taper. 

I made a mistake of CT and also putting prozac after months to get relief..  all that is occur bcoz I was terribly suffering and drug pushing idiotic society and family.

 

I have a request to go with your taper or if done, continue with the state with alternative help and meds.

It can go for you in windows and waves or all bad slowly getting better.

 

For me, I have never seen a window being 22 months free.. but my BP issue got better (now 110/75), i started eating, i can sit now for hours ... while small and slowly , it has gotten better.

 

People are always here to be with you... to help you.

 

[ultimatumprisoncell]

8 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

I’m sorry. I feel the same way about myself.  I have been pretty miserable all day. I am not having physical symptoms like you, not at all. I am trying to tolerate it. You are strong!to put up with the emotional and physical part if it. And know it’s the drugs not you. 

 

It is comforting to hear someone telling you that you are strong. If not for these forums, I feel each and everyone of us would be in a much worse place. The only thing worse than going through all of this is going through it completely alone and misunderstood.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

5 hours ago, bhasski said:

We all understand here that this is not you. Even while writing I am not me. 

I also suffered badly and hell for past 2 years, but i will keep myself going.

 

Hi. I m so sorry you feeling this way. 

Just to say that you have been to  lot of medications where even a single one make people loose personality.  And so the actions are also influenced. So,

you don't have to listen for your actions if done. 

It will take time once you tapered all and while you taper. 

I made a mistake of CT and also putting prozac after months to get relief..  all that is occur bcoz I was terribly suffering and drug pushing idiotic society and family.

 

I have a request to go with your taper or if done, continue with the state with alternative help and meds.

It can go for you in windows and waves or all bad slowly getting better.

 

For me, I have never seen a window being 22 months free.. but my BP issue got better (now 110/75), i started eating, i can sit now for hours ... while small and slowly , it has gotten better.

 

People are always here to be with you... to help you.

 

I knew better than the CT. But what can I say? I'm stubborn. Very, very stubborn. And I'm so fed up with what these meds have done to my life. 

I still HAVE NOT SLEPT since that Prozac dose last night. But terrified of any consequences that may occur if I didn't take some tonight, I broke down yet again and popped another 5mg dose. It is nearly 3AM.  I'm definitely not sleeping. I'm nauseated. I threw away the microwave pot pie I had almost convinced myself earlier this evening I could actually attempt to eat. No such luck. 

I did manage to at least take somewhat of a bath this evening.  My first one this week seeing as I am literallyTHAT physically ill and weak. And I managed to do so without injuring mysef. It's something I should feel good about. But right now I can't see through the anger fueled by the abandonment that left me unable to care for myself in such a weak and vulnerable state. I'm going to try to get at least a couple hours of sheep for now. More updates to come. 

[Downbutnotout]

12 hours ago, ultimatumprisoncell said:

 

It is comforting to hear someone telling you that you are strong. If not for these forums, I feel each and everyone of us would be in a much worse place. The only thing worse than going through all of this is going through it completely alone and misunderstood.

This is so true.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Repost. My apologies to the forum member I originally posted to I mistakingly thought I was on mine. I'm very out of it right now.

 

Just an update for now. Day 2 (3?I'm so confused right now) of breaking down and taking 5mg of Prozac. I feel asleep finally around 5am this morning or so... I think. I slept pretty well despite my usual horrible nightmares, until around noon. I had a missed call from the sheriff's department on my phone around 7am which makes me wonder if I was screaming in my sleep again... Will need to set up signs activated recorder app on myself again I guess.

The first thing I noticed getting up was the HORRIBLE anxiety/panic coursing through me. Worse than yesterday. I used to get this pretty much daily for years while on Paxil. 

Besides the anxiety I am still unable to think clearly. I'm nauseated and have no appetite. I have palpitations and I'm very shaky. I know it's not my blood sugar, as I have forced down some Gatorade and a protein shake.

And I still just feel so hopeless.

When can I have my "life" back?

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Updating. Again. 

I have no idea why.

Broke down and started popping 5mg Prozac daily since a few days ago. 

I can't say that it's done me any good. Maybe a tiny bit. It's hard to tell.

The anxiety that is consuming me when I first wake up in the morning is getting worse. My hands are shaking violently. My heart is pounding and feels like out is literally going to explode out of my throat. Still nauseated, weak, ataxia. Still crying all of the time. I managed to set up a sleep recording app last night. I'm too out of it to figure out how to retrievethe results that were on the screen, gone the next. All I managed to see is I either talk or snore intermittently in my sleep, but I alreadyknew that. I was more interested in my night terrors and what I may have been saying. 

I'm still foggy-headed. Can't think more than about 2 minutes into the future. And if I try I'm reduced to tears of frustration.

Forced down a Jello cup this morning. And a few sips of Gatorade.

I'm getting weaker and weaker and it frightens me. On top of my already frightened state. 

Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. 

I need help. But not the kind that "well-meaning" society and physicians think I need. I'm not to sure I can even determine what kind of help I need. I just know I need help. I prayed on the phone with a friend (who lives nowhere near me)for nearly 2 hours last night. That is the only light and reprieve from this suffering I've had...

Is the Prozac helping or is it making it worse? I can't tell. I'd have to say both.

I may update tomorrow. I may not. It certainly helps to vent. But I also feel like I'm hurting myself more by peeling back the "bricks in my wall" one by one. My internal suffering is mine to bear.  And I'm not too certain it is doing benefit to anyone reading my ramblings right now.

I need to take care of me. Meaning I need to take on the impossible. And sometimes I have to shut myself away from the world to preserve and protect what little dignity I feel I have left.

 

Prayers, blessings, and peace to all of you in these forums. 

 

UPC

[Downbutnotout]

Prayers, blessings and peace to you too. Stay strong. 

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Still taking the Prozac. Still feel horribly anxious upon waking. It may have lessened the pseudo "psychosis" I was experiencing after CT all the other meds. But I still can't think clearly. I have no appetite, but at least forced down a serving of instant mashed potatos and microwave cup of macaroni and cheese today. Took me a couple of hours to do so and my stomach hurt something awful the entire time. But I managed. I guess I'm staying on the Prozac for now until I can maybe get reinstated on a low dose of the Zoloft (I didn't have this horrible waking panic/anxiety on it... At least not that I can recall)... Hoping I can get an appointment with my primary care physician within the next week or so to address this. The sooner the better. At this point I'm just grateful for Uber. I'm afraid to drive. Because the ataxia and unsteady gait have not improved at all. Despite my force feedings of protein shakes and whatever other semi solid foods I can get down (and get to stay down) my strength is not returning. Walking to the restroom leaves me short of breath and light-headed. I'm forcing myself to stay properly hydrated as well, so this IS 100% THE MEDS. I'm physically getting weaker by the day and I'm frightened. There couldn't be a worse time in my life to be going through the AD WD...

 

But...

 

@Downbutnotout : I'm staying strong (as can be)! Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

 

UPC

[nz11]

Ultimate could you please tweek your drug sig to show doses and start and stop dates and drugs in a chronological order.

By self medicating you are playing with fire. 

Sorry you are going through this. Please write a complaint to the appropriate authority.

[Kristine]

Hi Ultimate, Welcome to SA.  Nausea and vomiting are such horrible Wd and side effects of ssri's.  I can empathise.  The only thing that helped me was ginger.  Ginger tea, ginger beer (nonalcoholic of course) and crystallised ginger. I would take sips throughout the day. It helped. K

[ultimatumprisoncell]

5 minutes ago, nz11 said:

Ultimate could you please tweek your drug sig to show doses and start and stop dates and drugs in a chronological order.

By self medicating you are playing with fire. 

Sorry you are going through this. Please write a complaint to the appropriate authority.

My apologies, for any confusion, again I'm very out of it. I am absolutely not self medicating, I am currently under the care of more than one treating physician. I intend to see a physician ASAP.  The Prozac I had on hand was specifically for "flush" or "emergency" situations after a taper from the Zoloft (which i did taper but discontinued way too soon out of frustration). The Zoloft was an adjunct therapy added more than a year ago, among other medications, to ease the 18 month very controlled taper off of the Effexor I had been on for years. I will have to work on tweaking my Sig, I had a very difficult time putting one together and figuring pout how to post at first as well. I also thought it said something about limited characters of lines... And summarizing is not one of best skills at the moment. I read through all the info on how to do so and did my best. The info is very thorough and well put together. But one of the biggest WD symptoms I'm dealing with (and have for nearly 2 years now) is what started as brain zaps but are now manifesting as what I call my "brain is stuck". Medically they have diagnosed it as expressive and receptive aphasia. So thus I'm now lumped into a diagnostic category alongside my youngest brother, who has congenital aphasia due to some unknown firm or pre or peri-natal brain damage. At my best, I can write pretty clearly. But not without A LOT of rereading and editing. I'm just hoping this aphasia thing is not permanent.

 

UPC

[ultimatumprisoncell]

11 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hi Ultimate, Welcome to SA.  Nausea and vomiting are such horrible Wd and side effects of ssri's.  I can empathise.  The only thing that helped me was ginger.  Ginger tea, ginger beer (nonalcoholic of course) and crystallised ginger. I would take sips throughout the day. It helped. K

Hi Kristine,

I'm thanking God I'm not the only one with the horrible N/V, because that just validates what we are all trying to say about these medications.  At the same time, I'm so saddened to have to hear of anyone else suffering. You're absolutely correct! I have raw ginger root, ginger ale/beer ( of course no alcohol!!!), several ginger teas, and candied dried ginger. It helps so much!

[nz11]

okay its not easy in wdl I understand.

You don't have to be exact something like this would be great

 

dd/ month / yr x mg of xyz

dd/month / yr stopped xyz (tapered over 18months by skipping doses ) started y mg of abc on dd/month/yr

dd/month/ yr added j mg of def 

etc 

 

I hate to tell you this but the way to ease the taper is to slow it down not by adding a new potent brain altering drug

[nz11]

12 minutes ago, ultimatumprisoncell said:

Medically they have diagnosed it as expressive and receptive aphasia

Well I don't know so much from what I have just read of this it sounds like one of the myriad of wdl symptoms. I found it got better with time.

 

Please tell me your brother has never taken any of these drugs.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

I will work on making better sense of my Sig! I'm sure it's quite a mess, and the day I made my attempt at putting out together was a pretty rough day. 

 

As far as my brother... I'll TRY to summarize what I know. He is my youngest brother as I said. But the bigger picture is that I am the youngest of 6 children, and my youngest sibling (a sister) is 14 years my senior. I believe the brother I am speaking of was 18 years old or so when I was born. At that point I'm not sure what medical diagnoses he'd had, if any for years, nor whether or not he'd ever been medicated for anything at all. I know when he was very little they just thought he was deaf. I know he drank (starting at what age I did not know) and used illicit drugs. My earliest childhood memories consist of him and his violent rages toward my mother and breaking things around the house. Breaking into the house at all hours of the night. At least on one occasion through my bedroom window. He was arrested frequently. He was institutionalized (jailed mostly I believe) often. I later in life heard he had spent some time at Camarillo State Hospital. I don't know when that was, but I do know it was likely decades (plural) ago, as the state of California closed down their operations years ago and it is now a college campus of some sort. The above being said I know he HAD to have been force fed psych med cocktails at least intermittently throughout periods of his life. Some not-so-funny (the TWISTED sense of humor gene is very dominant in my family) "prank" he pulled (somewhere between 13-17) years ago again landed him first in prison, then later to a state mental institution after his history and medical records had been thoroughly looked over. I've no doubt he was medicated there. He's been out for years now. I don't know if he is currently medicated or not. I do know he quit drinking since and that life has been much more peaceful for him.

 

Sorry for the rambling of my family psycho drama . And I hope it doesn't offend or make you uncomfortable. But it was necessary to make sense of the.... unmakeasensable...?

 

I at least I got to laugh today. And thank you for that. If I can't laugh at the insanity In my own life, then I am in fear of being truly lost. 

 

UPC

[Downbutnotout]

Your welcome. Omg you are really putting up with a lot.  I had no idea vomiting was a side effect of withdrawing from these pills.  Sounds like you are certain its the meds. This stuff is evil. Btw, you’re a pretty good writer despite your agony. 

[nz11]

Wow your brother has been through a lot glad he is more peaceful now.

 

Looking forward to reading the updated drug sig.  in due course.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Attempted again to update for fix my Sig. I'm sure it's still quite a mess. 

My only update for today is that I woke up with the usual anxiety/panic etc. But I also woke up hit pretty hard with the onset of a nasty cold or flu. Pretty sure it's URI and not WD related. Wheezing, cough, congestion - both chest and sinus. Ick... I've had my flu shot this year so likely just a bad cold coming on. BUT. Again this WOULD happen when I've already been ill and hanging on by a thread. So... I'm off to more fluids. More rest. And I'm loading up in the Airborne.

 

@Downbutnotout: I've always been told in a talented writer. I've never particularly felt that way. But during my many experiences through ADWD when spoken word has failed me, I've found writing to be a very easy and effective way to communicate. Not without often proofreading and editing... And it doesn't work as well when my mind is in a fog. I think that it is also another huge reason why these support forums have been so valuable and beneficial to me. Because I can usually get people to understand what I'm saying here vs in the "real world". 

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Quick update. Hanging in there. Nothing new to report other than coming down with something in the last day or so and running low grade temps up to 102° (F)... Fell asleep sometime yesterday afternoon feeling horrible... Woke up about 24 hours later. 

AD WD symptoms hard to gauge with the viral ick I have going on... Seem to be about the same. Definitely not worse, so that's always a blessing.

 

Much love to all, and I hope you had a great New Year's Eve/Day (to those who celebrate it!)

 

Back to bed for me!

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Thinking a bit clearer... But still feeling... Not great. Still taking my Prozac. I spoke with my primary care doctor yesterday, he sent in additional refills of the Prozac... since I'm low on the few I'd had... And I scheduled an appointment with him. Still getting out of bed as much as physically possible every day... Still very weak, no improvement there. Managed to run the shark over the kitchen floor last night. White tile shows every little speck of dirt. And it was looking quite dirty. Didn't have the energy. But after spending some up close and personal time with it after a couple of near-syncopial episodes... I couldn't take it anymore. The floor had to be cleaned. Or at least cleaner. 

The nausea and vomiting aren't as bad. But not great. I've been able to quit the injectable zofran and can now tolerate the oral tablets.

My appetite and ability to eat anything continues to decline. I'm doing my best to force-feed small amounts and staying WELL hydrated though. 

I am still waking up with horrible anxiety and panic. I'm wondering if there may be a cortisol contribution to that?

Will look into further...

 

Best wishes to all

 

UPC

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Just browsing some of the information on these forums pretty much confirmed the likelihood that my increased morning anxiety/panic does have a cortisol connection. I've also no doubt that the AD WD and also the subsequent reinstatement of the Prozac are contributing to this in some way.  I managed to locate a powdered magnesium supplement called "RelaxMax (also containing gaba and a few other things...) I had purchased several months back... And it had remained sealed/unopened. Worth giving it a try at this point...

Also looking into local acupuncture providers in the area, I'd been meaning to try it for months. But now just desparate to feel better and willing to try anything. That still leaves me with the issue of the persistent ataxia and extreme physical weakness... Leaving me afraid to drive, and doing so only under the most necessary circumstances. If I could afford to Uber everywhere, that would be the best option. But I can't. So. Still one baby step, one slow day at a time.

[scallywag]

UPC: The product you purchased is a compound product, i.e. it contains other ingredients. Taking compounds is much riskier than taking a single ingredient product.  If you have a reaction, you have no idea what you're reacting to.  Amino acids such as GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid) are neuroactive and are therefore risky when going through withdrawal from psych medications.

 

If you're going to give the stuff you've got a try  please start with a small amount, say ¼ of the suggested amount on the container.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

7 hours ago, scallywag said:

UPC: The product you purchased is a compound product, i.e. it contains other ingredients. Taking compounds is much riskier than taking a single ingredient product.  If you have a reaction, you have no idea what you're reacting to.  Amino acids such as GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid) are neuroactive and are therefore risky when going through withdrawal from psych medications.

 

If you're going to give the stuff you've got a try  please start with a small amount, say ¼ of the suggested amount on the container.

I fully agree, and giving it at least that much thought, I've still not taken it. I've had some success in the past using an amino acid complex, gaba, and fish oil to ease the intensity of symptoms during AD WD or tapering. Nothing miraculous, but it was something anyway. I recently purchased all of these but again, haven't been taking much of them. The "RelaxMax" lists, per serving: 75mg magnesium (in a patented form of di-magnesium malate), 2gm myo-Insotol, 500mg Taurine (thought that was a stimulant?), 100mg GABA, and finally 50mg L-Theanine - also in a patented form called 'Suntheanine'. I'll need to do some more research and likely discuss all of these with my doctor. For now, I will continue to take the fish oil as I feel it won't likely cause any problems; and will more likely help my frazzled brain recuperate more efficiently. The GABA, in solo form along with the amino acid complex have caused no problems in the past. But I will have to educate myself before I dare attempt the RelaxMax.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

I've not taken the magnesium compound and am waiting on a single formulation. Can't tell if the GABA, fish oil, and amino acid complex are helping, they certainly aren't making things any worse. Life, on the other hand, keeps throwing 💩 at me left and right. Which is making it impossible most of the time for me to cope. I've reinstated my medication regimen per my posts above, with me now on Prozac as the final step of the weaning plan. Per my GP I have increased the Prozac from 5mg to 10mg daily, attempting to restore some resemblance of normal function. And only out of desperation. Thought I felt a little better yesterday, then "my world" again came crashing down on me last night. A friend of my former fiancee dropped off a few of my belongings and said something to the effect of "he really loves you". I don't know what the purpose of that was. Given my life situations all the proclaimed "love" in the world has taught me those words are meaningless, they are just words. Actions speak louder than words. Unless of course you're going through AD WD... In which case your actions and words are frequently not your own. But the ensuing damages can be very concrete. I'm facing a downward spiral of destruction (not currently self-destruction, just destruction of life as I knew it) as a result of my attempts to get off of AD. And then my 20 year old daughter eloped and got married today. 2000 miles away. The one thing I was hoping and praying she wouldn't do. I don't know what to do. I keep making baby steps. I get out of bed and force myself to do something, ANYTHING really, daily to try and take care of myself the very best I physically can. But it's clearly not enough, and nowhere near. I'm too weak to properly take care of myself and have no help there. But I still keep trying. 

What am I to do? I'm doing all I physically can? I've been put in a position of utter helplessness, and not seeing a reprieve near enough in my future to make a differnce.

What do you do when you're all alone, violently ill for potentially very long term, and facing losing everything including your life as a result? Too "well" for a hospital. Too sick to get out of bed but for short periods of time, then frequently collapsing from the extreme dizziness and weakness that consumes me. And very, very soon to be homeless as a result of all of this.

I'm desparate for advice, suggestions, things that have may worked for others in the past... I've already "reinstated" and then even had to increase that dose. I'm left with no clue as to how to cope, what, to do. I don't doubt there is a doorway or a window right in front of me leading me towards healing and making progress. I just fail to see it at this time. 

Any personal success stories, advice, and things of that nature would be very much appreciated at this point.

Thank you

UPC

[scallywag]

UPC -- please don't consider the doctor-advised Prozac increase as any thing other than a survival tactic.  It doesn't mean anything about you or about any future attempt to discontinue.  You're doing what you have to do to make your life work. Period. Point finale.

 

I hope that your symptoms lighten before long and that you find kindness and gentleness -- from yourself and from others -- as you continue through withdrawal.  There is another side and you will get there.

[ultimatumprisoncell]

 Increasing to 10mg was indeed, just a survival tactic. Survival feels as it is slipping away though I'm doing what I can. There are a lot of socio-economic factors that have popped up as a result of this whole withdrawal process and my week or two of CT mistake. These are all things that would leave anyone in a dark, scary and troubled place. Add the horrible AD WD to the scenario and overwhelming becomes all-consuming. The sad truth of it all? This would be a bit easier if I didn't have the medical community and the world telling me to suck it up. Suck it up I can do, I have done many times. But I'm physically VERY ILL. That part eludes everyone and thus makes this whole dilemma so much more frightening. 

I pray every day for a reprieve from these disabling WD symptoms. I know my prayers are heard, I know they will be answered in God's time. In the meanwhile, I cling to this website, my Bible, and the one friend I have though distant that cares and still talks to me.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for all the kind words ever said to any sufferer in these forums. These kind words mean more than you'll ever know.

 

UPC

[Kristine]

Hi UCP,   Having the physical and mental w/d symptoms is such a cruel sick joke.  I understand.  I really wish I had the answers...as we all would....I'm just so sorry you are suffering.  We are all very lucky to have each other on this site, I cling to it as well.  Just letting you know I am thinking of you. K 🌻

 

 

[JS11]

Hi UPC,

 

I'm so sorry that you are suffering these withdrawal symptoms.  Wondering about your economic status whilst being debilitated adds another level of anxiety that not everyone has to deal with.  When my symptoms were similar to yours, I was in a more stable situation.  The symptoms are so much better now, but I am now also on my own and very fearful which is difficult to cope with.  

 

As for suggestions:  Does your doctor have a social worker or any type of care coordinator at his practice?  Sometimes, larger medical facilities do.  These people are a wealth of information and may have information on housing options.  They do take time to apply but you may be able to get someone to assist with this.  If your doctor doesn't, perhaps he can refer you.  Catholic Charities is also a place that may be helpful  You indicated that you had your bible, do you have a church or ministry of some sort that you attend or have attended?  Churches have a wealth of assistance available. Call. 

 

I know the mere thought of picking up a phone or having to talk to someone can be overwhelming, but you might just be able to get that "one" person.  Tell them of your physical issues.  You don't have to be specific but I would indicate that you are so ill as to be unable to accomplish these tasks without assistance.  

 

Some places have a number, 411, where there is a resource list.  Also, a monumental task, but maybe.  I, too, have very limited social contacts, but I do have a couple of true friends who are also far away.  Would you be at all able to ask your friend for assistance?  If so, try.  

 

Again, I am sorry that we have to meet under these circumstances, but you will indeed find so much kindness here.  It gets me through each and every day.

 

I hope you feel some easing in your symptoms so very soon,

take care,

JS

 

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Hi JS11,

 

Thank you for your concern and the list of potential resources. My doctor is a solo practice physician, and I've also not shared with him yet any of what is going on at home. It is all so recent and I'd planned on discussing it at my upcoming appointment. Though a very spiritual person, I've not had a whole lot of contact with churches in general for most of my adult years. There was a wonderful church I had recently started attending with my former fiancee, but I don't feel it appropriate to reach out to them. That is his church. They don't know me. And it is circumstances due to my WD and subsequent CT attempt that have caused the split between me and the love of my life.  I pray daily with a friend over the phone, and she often sends me encouraging verse to read.

I've begun to look into some resources in my area, but living in Southern California, most available resources are tapped out and reserved for people who "are actually sick". Ergo my frustration. 

I'm not giving up. But I certainly feel hopeless.

 

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful input,

UPC

[ultimatumprisoncell]

Just updating again.

My prior CT event has left a huge disaster trail... Reinstating the Prozac has "stabilized" me at least to where I was prior the CT... But not any further. No big surprise there. I'm still very weak. I still stumble into everything. Still hanging onto hope that this "illness" that nobody will acknowledge will resolve sooner than later.  I'm moving forward regardless. I've done, and will continue to do the right thing and make amends to those I hurt while I was "off the meds". And that's all I can do. I'm praying for the best. 

 

UPC