Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[Happy2Heal]

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)

 

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations.

All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.

I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now.

I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me.

 

 

Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache.

 

I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived.

I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness".

 

But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact.

 

while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care   

I have a good life. 

 

 

 

Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild.  and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come.

 

I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest:

I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

 

I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them

but today,  I give myself permission to bask in this feeling.

 

it feels like the right and honest thing to do. 

 

I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem.

 

to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery.

 

it's worth it, believe me

so very worth it!

 

Edited November 4, 2018 by manymoretodays
reduced font size, link to introduction added

[FarmGirlWorks]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

Love, love, love this! So happy for you, @Happy2Heal!

[wantrelief]

You have overcome so much in your life, H2H, your story is really inspirational.  What a wonderful story of victory; I am so happy for you!!

[Madeleine]

Congratulations!  You are an inspiration.  Thank you for sharing. 

[Liamb123456]

Congrats did you taper or cold turkey meds 

[nick1990]

Beautiful . ❤️

[Happy2Heal]

13 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Love, love, love this! So happy for you, @Happy2Heal!

 

thanks

 

I'm pretty darn happy.

and pleased with myself too. It was a lot of hard work 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

12 hours ago, wantrelief said:

You have overcome so much in your life, H2H, your story is really inspirational.  What a wonderful story of victory; I am so happy for you!!

 

 

thanks wantrelief

 

 

I tend to compare myself to others who have done more, gone further with their life, forgetting that they didn't have the same challenges that I did

 

but comparisons are generally a bad idea anyway.

 

I should just be looking at how much progress I personally have made, and when I do that, I see that I have, indeed, come a long long way

 

[Happy2Heal]

11 hours ago, Madeleine said:

Congratulations!  You are an inspiration.  Thank you for sharing. 

 

thanks so much Madeleine

 

[Happy2Heal]

11 hours ago, Liamb123456 said:

Congrats did you taper or cold turkey meds 

 

 

a little bit of both.  For most meds, it was cold turkey

 

the last drug I got off of, the lexapro, I tried cold turkey a couple of times and failed miserably

 

finally found this awesome forum and learned about tapering

 

I still didn't do a proper taper and I suffered greatly for that BUT I made it thru it all, and I'm finally off

 

and doing far better than I ever could have hoped!

[Happy2Heal]

8 hours ago, nick1990 said:

Beautiful . ❤️

 

 

thanks Nick

[wantrelief]

9 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I should just be looking at how much progress I personally have made, and when I do that, I see that I have, indeed, come a long long way

 

I think this is something we should all strive to do.....thank you for the reminder! 

[Happy2Heal]

Below is a link to my original thread and what will be my last post there.

 

in spite of the subtitle to my thread, this IS a success story,

Sorry if writing that confused any  one

 

I am, I believe, at least 99% healed from all the psych meds.

I did the math- I was on various meds for a total of 43 yrs almost non stop (I didn't take any drugs when I was pregnant)

 

so, I'm 62 yrs old now, that's only 19 yrs of my life UNmedicated.

 

THIS is why I feel victorious.  I've reclaimed my life and I'm working hard to make my life the way I want it to be

 

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HELPED ME TO GET TO THIS PLACE!

 

 while I did a lot of work on my own, I  had a lot of support along the way that was truly life saving

 

this is a wonderful forum of caring and compassionate people

I am so very grateful for it and for all of you

❤️

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

I don't know what happened to the link but here is it, I hope

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/10851-☼-happy2heal-hope-im-doing-this-right/?page=39&tab=comments#comment-385545

[direstraits]

I cried when I read what you  survived..you are a true inspiration and the definition of a success!

I  wish you all the best life has to offer as you go forward.

congratulations!

 

much love,ds

xxx

[GirlfromD]

Happy2Heal, congratulations! I am so happy for you 💚 You are such an inspiration to others, and i wish you all the best in the furture! When did you first start noticing that you were functioning a lot better or more normal, were there any signs? You deserve all the best.

[Happy2Heal]

16 hours ago, direstraits said:

I cried when I read what you  survived..you are a true inspiration and the definition of a success!

I  wish you all the best life has to offer as you go forward.

congratulations!

 

much love,ds

xxx

ooh nooo, I didn't want to make anyone cry! 

most of the really bad stuff is a long time ago, except for the acute withdrawal which of course was just 2 yrs ago

 

I'm so happy to be doing so well. I feel sometimes like I won the lottery

 

thanks ds, I hope that your journey goes as well or better

 

[Happy2Heal]

16 hours ago, GirlfromD said:

Happy2Heal, congratulations! I am so happy for you 💚 You are such an inspiration to others, and i wish you all the best in the furture! When did you first start noticing that you were functioning a lot better or more normal, were there any signs? You deserve all the best.

 

 

hi GirlfromD,

thank you so much!

 

hmm when did I first notice that I was functioning better- well, it really was a gradual process.

All of my symptoms improved slowly over time, I don't recall any that just suddenly went away.

 

the thing that bothered me the most, the trouble sleeping, that took the longest to get better and on an "off" day can still be  an issue, but NOTHING like in the past or during acute wd

 

I'd say that about I was over the worst of the symptoms about a year after re instating my lexapro.

the following year, I felt like I was totally healed but learned, as time went by, that there was more healing happening, because things would improve, when I didn't even notice they'd been a problem!
 

it was a nice surprise

 

so I hesitate to say that I'm totally healed, because I don't know- maybe I still have minor symptoms I wont' realize I had, til they are gone.

If you read thru my thread, esp for the past year, you'll see, that happened a lot.

 

how are you doing, GirlfromD?

[Glosmom]

Bravo, Happy2Heal!  You are truly an inpsiration.  May your life continue to be full of ........Happiness.

[Happy2Heal]

55 minutes ago, Glosmom said:

Bravo, Happy2Heal!  You are truly an inpsiration.  May your life continue to be full of ........Happiness.

 

thanks so much Glosmom

 

while it feels good to be called  an Inspiration, I'm not really sure it fits, and I'm also not sure what that means, to be honest

 

I've done nothing extraordinary.

I've done what I believe most people do when they face adversity- I've b*tched and moaned about it a lot, hahaha

 

and then gone ahead with the business of dealing with it

 

I know lots of people who have faced much more trying circumstances 

and lots of people who have done so without all the complaining that I do, and who have done a much better job of overcoming the trials that they faced

 

but yes, it does feel good to hear the compliment, even if I"m not what it means exactly nor if it truly applies to me

 

I can say that what I feel that I've achieved is staying the course, not letting the hard spots keep me stuck, and while I complain plenty, I continued to do the work that would help me to get thru these last couple of years-

work that I should have done years ago, to better my life, to get a handle on distressing feelings, to learn how to out in the world and socialize with people, to learn how to take responsibility for my own feelings, and for getting what I wanted out of life.

Looking back, it seems like I just kind of expected that complaining about how bad things were to others would some how magically "solve" things for me or make things better.

 

they didn't.

and repeating the same ol tired complaints left me stuck in a place where it seemed that everything was bad and would never, or could never, get any better.

 

all of that was clearly BS

 

all I needed to do was focus on what I wanted to change, and set about figuring out how to do it!

all I needed to do was to look for what was going well, and continue in that positive direction

 

all I needed to do, and still need to continue to do, is to look for what is right, and strengthen that.

 

and when a problem comes along, to see it as an opportunity to learn something new, or to put learned skills to use, to practice coping mechanisms I learned during this journey of recovery from being on mind altering drugs

 

I think these are probably ordinary things that we tend to overlook because they seem so simple and obvious (at least, they do to me now, LOL)

 

I am very lucky that my body has healed as quickly and as well as it has. I knew it would. OK I was pretty sure it would. I have faith in the body's and the mind's ability to heal.

I love science, esp biology and read a lot about neurology, sociology, and tons of stuff on nutrition - and over and over again, the same theme appears:

the human body is remarkable in it's ability to heal

 

For instance, you can eat poorly for most of your life, but still turn that around by eating better in your later years (I'm so relieved to know that LOL)

We know from people who  have suffered brain injuries or had strokes, that the brain can often heal (but not always or fully, depending on the degree of injury etc)

 

so why should this be any different?

everyone has a different body so not everyone's path will be the same but there's no reason to think negatively and think you won't heal, I believe the vast majority of us DO heal

 

 

I pray for everyone on this forum for healing.

I don't know that there's anything in my story to aspire to, but I do want to pass on encouragement and hope, that you will get there, no matter how long and difficult the road may be for you.

 

and I pray that your healing is as swift as it can possibly be!

 

 

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Oh Happy2Heal,

Hugs and happy to celebrate your victory with you!

You did it!  Wrote your success story.

Thank you very much.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[myndfull]

Congratulations, Happy.

You've reached a kind of pinnacle and I hope there are more of them to come in your life. High spots; good times; bright and hopeful moments. Where anything and everything is possible. Where the future opens up. The negative dries up. The air clears. Where positive puts negative in its place.

Do you realize that there are only a handful of human beings on this planet who have been through what you have been through and who are now able to tell their tale? You're a rare find. I hope you can relish it, use it--that "status"--to continue to build your strength.

[PH1]

Wow!   What an amazing story.  Thank you for sharing it.   You are strong and brave.   Your story gives me and countless others great hope for complete healing.  God bless you!

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, manymoretodays said:

Oh Happy2Heal,

Hugs and happy to celebrate your victory with you!

You did it!  Wrote your success story.

Thank you very much.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

thanks!! 

 

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, myndfull said:

Congratulations, Happy.

You've reached a kind of pinnacle and I hope there are more of them to come in your life. High spots; good times; bright and hopeful moments. Where anything and everything is possible. Where the future opens up. The negative dries up. The air clears. Where positive puts negative in its place.

Do you realize that there are only a handful of human beings on this planet who have been through what you have been through and who are now able to tell their tale? You're a rare find. I hope you can relish it, use it--that "status"--to continue to build your strength.

 

aww thanks so much myndfull

 

I surely hope there's more than a handful like me- lol

it helps to remember that I didn't go thru all the bad stuff all at once or all in a single day, it was spread out over a long period of time, so  I feel that somewhat dilutes it

(in a different way, it almost seems worse because there were such long periods of bad stuff, but STILL like everyone else, I only had to get thru one day at a time)

 

and that is actually one of the most important things to remember going thru WD/recovery, you only need to get thru the day, or the next hour, or the next few minutes

 

that's it. and you can do it!! 

 

 

but I do very much relish making it this far!! 

when I have a bad day, I will have to remember that it's just that, a bad day- the sun will shine once again

 

(we've had a long stretch of rainy days where I am so seeing the sun is a big treat lately LOL)

 

how are you going, myndfull?

 

[Happy2Heal]

40 minutes ago, PH1 said:

Wow!   What an amazing story.  Thank you for sharing it.   You are strong and brave.   Your story gives me and countless others great hope for complete healing.  God bless you!

thanks PH1

 

I love the quote in your signature!!

it's perfect and great advice for anyone going thru this!

 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

[Gridley]

H2H, you are an inspiration.  Thank you for writing this uplifting post.  It sings out in your words: you are truly "happy to heal!"

[Leo1983]

So so so pleased for you.

 

This is hell you deserve heaven. Well done as it must have been torture. 

 

X

[Altostrata]

Wow, H2H, who would have thought you'd write this when you joined SA almost 3 years ago! So happy you can write this. 🔆

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, Gridley said:

H2H, you are an inspiration.  Thank you for writing this uplifting post.  It sings out in your words: you are truly "happy to heal!"

 

oh yes so very happy to heal

 

not thrilled that I had to go thru all that but there was a silver lining, it got me to where I am now

 

and it led me to "meet" so many brave and strong and kind compassionate people here on this forum

 

I"ll be forever grateful for that, and for this forum and for Alto for all the hard work she's done and continues to do

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

49 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

So so so pleased for you.

 

This is hell you deserve heaven. Well done as it must have been torture. 

 

X

thank you!
 

I won't like Leo, it was pretty damn hard there at points. but even though it felt like it, it didn't last forever and now the memory of the hardest parts are fading.

it will be this way for you too, only probably will happen faster for you, because your exposure to these awful drugs is much shorter

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

2 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Wow, H2H, who would have thought you'd write this when you joined SA almost 3 years ago! So happy you can write this. 🔆

 

oh my gosh Alto,  you probably thought I was a hopeless case in those first days- er months *blush*  I was so confused, found it so hard to believe that the drs were not the gods they put themselves out there to be. It was hard giving up all my crutches and excuses and rationalizations and just getting on with the work I had to do. I'm proud of myself that I did it, but omg I must have been so hard to deal with there for a while. sorry about that 😕

I truly was a mess.

THANK YOU for never giving up on me, thank for for this forum, thank you for all your hard work and dedication.

I hate to think of where I'd be if I hadn't found this forum 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

No, I never thought you were a hopeless case! You're very welcome.

[Happy2Heal]

❤️

 

[JLex1981]

Congratulations Happy !!!! So happy for you 😃😃😃 enjoy ur life to the fullest !!

[Miracle123]

Hi H2H, Congratulations , awesome and so happy to hear your victory great stories. Hope your healing continue well and enjoy your joyful good life.