☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[EternalOptimist]

Hello Petu:

 

Again I replied to you in my thread and now here to catch up on your latest report.

Looks like you've not posted for a few days. I hope this means something good.  You've got wonderful support here and seem well cared about.    

 

What wonderful feedback Rhi.  Glad I came here too.

Best

EO

[Petunia]

Hello and thank you everyone who posted recently.  I guess I've felt a little strange after writing in such an uncensored way, makes me feel vulnerable.  mlrp, thank you for replying with an equally personal response.

 

You know, I used to be skeptical when people said they thought that there was some healing work going on during the waves, but as time goes along I am beginning to wonder if there might be some truth to it......

 

.....And then comes the long, long period of recovery and healing. And during that period, all that mangled strung-together-ness has to be sorted out, which means taking apart the jury-rigged healing and replacing it with something more optimal. And during the "taking apart" things get kind of wibbly wobbly as they fall down a bit, but it's necessary in order to stitch them back together in a healthier and more normal way.

 

I have no idea if this is actually true, but it's a paradigm that kind of fits with the waves and windows pattern of healing.

 

And it's a hopeful context for those rough days and rough times, for me.

 

So I offer it here in hope it may give you a way to think about those hard days and hard times. Yes, you are getting to revisit all kinds of past history and issues; but really, don't hold too tightly to that, because a lot of it is neuro-emotion, too. Maybe you can also just sort of love and trust your brain and send it healing energy as it bungles its way through this strange journey of remodeling and healing itself.

 

Dear Rhi,

This is so close to how I conceptualize this healing journey, when I'm in my better moments anyway.  But with one small difference. It seems like for me, I'm healing not only from damage done by drugs, but also dysfunctional patterns of thinking and feeling, which were set in place long before drugs, are also coming up for re-evaluation.  This is a good thing.  I'm not sure I completely trust my brain, because, its my brain which has been 'damaged', its like a broken tool, trying to fix itself, with itself, and having no instructions or previous experience.  But there is something I completely trust, not sure exactly what to call it, something like the natural energy of life to move from chaos towards order and balance.

 

Having a bad brain day today, so I will keep this short with a small update:

 

I've had the most significant window yet

 

And it followed surprisingly close to the previous one.  It started some time on Friday, probably around the middle of the day, it lasted through the night and all of Saturday.  Sunday morning wasn't as bad as mornings usually are, but by the middle of Sunday, the window was starting to fade.  The cloud of dark fog, which is how I see my collection of psychological symptoms, descended upon me, along with fatigue and some disappointment/hopelessness, but not as much as when the last window closed.  This time, I got more anger/frustration.

 

Back to my usual withdrawal state now.

 

Funny thing was, on Friday I spontaneously bought some new herbal tea called Qi Balance. Its a very course, unprocessed blend of what looks like twigs, leaves and buds and I was a bit scared to try it.  But I did, and then mistakenly credited it with miraculously healing me

 

Mornings have been slightly smoother in general since I started taking taurine again at night.

 

Anyway, that's all I got today because my brain's not cooperating like it has been for the past few days.

 

 

[Rhiannon]

I like it. If you're going to remodel, might as well disentangle ALL of it, right?

 

And yay for the window! There will be more.

[WinningThrough]

Petu, it's a really good sign that you've had a second window so close to the last one and that it lasted longer. Healing is happening!

[Petunia]

I've been digging around in my old journals, trying to get a clear picture of what has happened between when I tapered too fast off lexapro in the middle of 2010 and now. Trying to find some clues, I suppose as to why I'm still having significant problems after 4 years.

 

I've had a huge shock at what I've found.  My memory is very different from what I have documented.  I had no idea that I started taking lexapro again after having stayed off it for 2 months.  This also means that I was not only taking lexapro and duramine for over a year (major interaction), but I was also taking it along with a stimulant drug, which also carries a major interaction warning.

 

I had completely forgotten about the intense physical symptoms I had when finally stopping the lexapro for the last time in March 2011, cold turkey this time, I didn't even pretend to taper.

 

I had forgotten that I had visited my doctor for some withdrawal advise and he had said "You are on such a low dose, you probably wont notice any difference if you just stop taking it."  I had been on 5mg at the time, half of the 10mg he had originally prescribed.

 

Then for the next 2 years I was basically destroying my nervous system with a continually changing routine of stimulant meds, xanax, buspar, st johhs wort, HRT drugs and propranolol, thinking that I was somehow going to balance my brain chemistry one day and get it right.  I couldn't see that I was getting worse and worse, and yet it was right there in writing.

 

I don't know how I am still alive and sane.  Reading back through what I had written since early 2010 was like reading about someone else's life, I have no direct memory of much of it.  After a while I had to stop reading, it was too disturbing.

[andy]

HI Petu it does show that you can come out of the other side and beat this,well done for being so resilient and strong

[Rhiannon]

http://breggin.com/spellbinding_psychiatric_drugs.pdf

 

hugs!

 

--Rhi

[Addax]

Wow Petu! That's a huge discovery.

 

So if I'm understanding, its been considerably less than 4 years. Dare I say it really began just over a year ago?

 

How do you feel about this finding?

[NervousKitten]

Hope all is well for you Petu.

[mattinsmom]

Oh, the things we forget! It does go to show how well you are actually doing considering. I think Addax made a very good point about your time in w/d. And yes, total mind-mess with everything that was going on. I understand why what you found is disturbing. I hope you found a little pride in there too. Look how far you've come. 

[Rhiannon]

It's pretty amazing, about memory versus journals. I didn't keep journals during my years of psych drugging, my memory is just sort of a parade of different meds and I wonder how accurately I am remembering them. It's amazing I survived, really, let alone that I'm doing pretty well now. If I can survive that and be doing okay I guarantee you're going to recover. 

 

And this new history really fits what you're experiencing, the timing, etc. I would expect you to be right about where you are with that history. Totally makes sense.

 

Like Addax says, how do you feel about this discovery now? And how are you doing?

[Petunia]

I'm sorry I haven't been around for a few days, I'm still reading back through my journal and trying to process what I'm reading, reading it has been emotionally destabilizing.   I was making changes to my medication schedule, almost on a daily basis, trying to 'balance my brain chemicals' in order to get some symptom relief.  This was going on for about 2 years.  I couldn't even remember that I had been keeping such good records of what I was doing.  I was like a mad scientist, experimenting on myself and documenting it all.  What makes this worse is that I can't really put the blame for this on anyone but myself, like many people can.  I was the one making all these ongoing changes, trying to find relief, my doctor/s just prescribed, basically what I asked for.

 

I was also under a lot of stress in my life from living with an alcoholic ex-partner, trying to renovate a house and move, dealing with dysfunctional extended family and raising a teenage daughter alone.... I've been reading through my journalled experience of all that too, I'd blocked a lot of it out and didn't remember just how bad it was.

 

The few years previous to that, there was a horrendous separation and divorce from my abusive ex-husband, which included 4 separate court trials and the loss of our home, all this with a backdrop of me being on continually changing schedules of drugs, often ones with major interaction warnings, which I wasn't told about.

 

I don't know why I'm still alive and sane.  I honestly don't know how I'm still here.  I've been under incredible emotional and physical stress for such a long time.  I'm no longer wondering why its taking so long for me to heal, I'm wondering why I'm still alive.

 

My life finally settled down at the end of 2012 when my daughter and I moved into our own house, the external stress in my life reduced, I expected that things would improve, but they didn't, if anything, I got worse.  I was still playing around with various doses of various drugs trying to find the right 'balance'.  At that stage I was exposing myself to ritalin, propranolol, xanax, buspar, dexamphetamine, HRT and an ongoing parade of supplements which I was buying, trying to 'cure' myself.

 

At one point,  I asked my doctor if I could try prozac, that made me worse, the next month I asked to go back on lexapro, a second time after stopping in 2010, that made me worse again.  Soon after that I found this site and started to understand that my nervous system needed stability to heal rather than toxic chemicals to correct its imbalance.

 

So I haven't taken any kind of drug since May 2013, no matter how bad I've felt.  But now I'm scared, after reading back through everything I've been doing over the previous several years, its becoming clear just how much damage I've done, in light of what I've now learned.

 

I was actually starting to heal after my too fast taper off lexapro in 2010.  But then stress increased, anxiety increased and I started thinking 'chemical imbalance' again.... on an almost daily basis I was changing drugs, times, doses and combinations, not just for a few weeks, this was going on for months.

 

Friday, 16 December 2011

I just took .25mg Xanax.   2pm.

 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

I started taking Buspar yesterday.  5mg 3 times a day, about 5 hours apart.   It took away that pit of the stomach feeling about 80% within about an hour.

 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

... and took a very small quarter of a xanax, it was either that or take my third dose of buspar early, I’m so sick of this constant sense of overwhelming doom and horror and hopelessness which keeps flowing up from my core.

 

Thursday, 22 December 2011

I slept really well last night.  But so far this morning, its been rather hellish.  I woke up at 5am and took a whole buspar

…  later: 2:30

 I just took a quarter of a xanax (.25mg).  

 

Sunday, 1 January 2012

This morning I tried something different (again)  at 5:30 when I woke up I took a whole buspar and one inderal (10mg and 10mg).  Dozed back to sleep for a while and when I finally woke up/got up, I didn’t feel particularly well. ..I just took my second half dex for the day,

 

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

After 3 weeks of experimenting with various methods and combinations of medications, I’ve (sadly) resigned myself to accepting that I need some medication, at least at the moment....This morning I took 5mg buspar and 2.5mg dex at 5:30 and pretty much writhed around in emotional semi-agony and physical discomfort for about 35 – 40 mins.  It started to kick in about 6:15, enough so that I decided to get up and go make some tea ...Tomorrow I think I will take a 5mg dose of dex just for the first dose to try and get my level up a bit quicker. 

 

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Almost 7am

1 Dex, 1 inderal, 1 premarin, 1 fish oil cap, drinking tea.

Last night – last half a dex at about 7:30, half of a .25mg xanax, 1 valarian,

 

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

                   Took HALF of .25 xanax (again) last night, about 6pm I think

                   Stopping Progesterone Cream as of now (headaches and increased anxiety)

                   Slept well, but woke with headache in the night (took aspirin)

                   Woke about 5:15 with incredible anxiety (falling, dizzy, nausea, couldn’t breathe)

                   took dex at 6am and 20mg inderal shortly after.  Anxiety was gone at 6:45.

                   Got stomach cramps shortly after meds,

                   Switching to half HRT every NIGHT from tonight.

                   2pm 2 inderal ~  4:30pm 2 aspirin for headache

 

Thursday, 19 January 2012

                    Felt like I didn’t sleep (but I did)

                   Took nothing to help me sleep, not tired

                   Woke at 6, no significant anxiety….skin picking is back (trying 2 inderal)

                   Blurry vision

                   Starting inderal schedule today 20mg at 6am, noon, and 6pm.

                   Took a DMAE about 3:30

 

Thursday, 26 January 2012

                             .75 dexamphetamine at  6,8,10,12,2,4 then half a pill at 6

                             Stopped taking DMAE (because of something I read re: OCD)

                             Started taking ginkgo biloba (because of something I read)

                             Needed to take inderal twice today, 10mg

                             Got headache

                             Took a whole dex at 2pm (I think)

                             Anxiety (shaky butterflies until about 2pm??)

                             .125mg xanax at 10pm

                             Giving up caffeine (because of something else I read re:OCD)

 

 

Saturday, 4 February 2012

          Pea size progesterone cream last night (no headache so far)

                             Been taking true calm regularly (mixed supplement)

                             Took 500mg GABA about 8am this morning (on top of true calm total 700mg)

                             No xanax or inderal for several days

                             First dex at 8am this morning

 

Sunday, 4 March 2012

8:30am  Took my first Ritalin about half an hour ago.

 

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Its been a week since I collapsed (at the house), came home and pretty much took to my room, deciding I was taking x amount of time ‘off’, to get my health and mood under control.  Of course I still did all the essential things, kept the ‘family’ fed and chauffeured around etc.  The whole week has been a bit of a blur actually because I also started on Ritalin (properly) on Sunday, taking it every 3 hours I think, to start with and then increasing it to every 2 hours.

 

I’ve been dealing with all kinds of weird symptoms (again) like waves of nausea, dizziness, overheated core temperature but shivering skin.

 

Saturday, 2 June 2012

 

*** started back on half rit every 2 hours (mostly out of desperation)

 

Thursday, 7 June 2012

 

*** 7:15am day 4 with no Ritalin begins.

***  changed HRT patch half 11am

 

 

Sunday, 10 June 2012

 

*** day 7 off Ritalin

          Took a ‘true calm’ about an hour and a half ago, it didn’t help

 

Thursday, 6 December 2012

12:45pm

 

Two days on a quarter of a lexapro and its pretty awful.  Slept most of yesterday and all this morning.

 

Took quarter of a xanax this morning at 8, like I have been doing for almost a week now.  It’s the only thing which really seems to help without bad side effects, but yesterday and today, it put me right back to sleep.

 

 

.... and that's kind of how it goes of for the best part of 2 years.  I was taking xanax every day for weeks at a time, and then suddenly stopping, only to start again a few weeks later.  I'm probably in benzo withdrawal too.  I'm feeling ashamed, stupid, horrified and scared that this damage is going to take forever to heal.

 

....but on a positive note, I finally managed to get myself out of the house to buy a car, it took about 3 hours to go through that process and at the end I was exhausted.  I pick it up next week, it will probably sit in the driveway for a week, before I go out again, while I recover from picking it up.

 

Thanks everyone for your recent comments on my thread, I've been reading, but not up to writing anything.

[mammaP]

Oh Petu, I want to fly over there to give you a hug.  Don't blame yourself

for asking for all those things and for taking them. You were trying your best to make yourself better

and believing the chemical imbalance lies just like we all did.  

 

It does help to understand what is happening and I'm glad that you have been reading your journals,

because now you can see what has gone wrong. How and why doesn't matter any more, it happened,

and we can't turn back the clock but you sure can give yourself a huge pat on the back for staying alive!

 

I love to read your posts, you write so beautifully and very expressive. I can feel your words and your pain.

 

I found some of my journals when I moved house, not as well kept as yours, I would buy diaries and fill out

a few pages here and there.  As I was reading them tears flowed and I wanted to gather myself in my arms 

rock myself to sleep. I mean gather the past me in my arms, if that makes sense. I felt so overwhelmingly

sorry for me and saw just how very, very sick I was. It was liberating because now I can let it go and know

that I am getting better.   

 

You are getting better too Petu my love, and will continue to get better as your brain regrows. I believe this

100% . And while it is happening you are here helping others so patiently. You are a treasure and I feel so

privileged to work alongside and support you. 

[mattinsmom]

mommaP said it more eloquently than I ever could. I'm just going to add an mm {{{{HUG}}}}

[WinningThrough]

Dear Petu! please don't feel bad or beat yourself up over this. None of this is your fault. None of it. All you were doing was trying to feel better. You were trying different things in the hope that they would help. Anyone would. You weren't to know.

 

It doesn't matter what's gone before. What matters now is that you are starting to heal. It's a VERY good sign that you've had two clear windows recently and that on the whole, you feel better than you did a year ago. You inspire me. Things can only keep getting better now. The fact that you've had two recent windows means more are on the way. I wouldn't be surprised if we hear from you very soon posting that you've had another window.

 

I love that your signature for August says 'Starting to notice some unmistakable improvements'.

 

I know that a window is coming for you soon, if you're already in one.

[alex]

 

....but on a positive note, I finally managed to get myself out of the house to buy a car, it took about 3 hours to go through that process and at the end I was exhausted.  I pick it up next week, it will probably sit in the driveway for a week, before I go out again, while I recover from picking it up.

 

 

 

This is my favorite part of your thread;that is the way to do it!!

You are my role model...brave,corageous,articulate person.

 Enjoy the new car, and the fact that you had the guts to do what you had to do.

 

Hugs,A.

[Petunia]

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, since I last wrote.  It helps to get a perspective from outside of myself and to feel the positivity and encouragement, because while I'm feeling what I'm feeling, that's all I can see.

 

I've decided to stop reading through my old journal entries for now, I was up to the point where I had just found this site, and had stopped taking any drugs.  So my reading served its purpose, but in some ways I wished I hadn't done it.  Its stirred up a lot of memories of everything I've been through, not only the damaging, random drug taking.

 

I've stopped blaming myself now.  Blaming myself for everything which goes wrong is a pattern I've had instilled in me from a young age.  More and more truth about my childhood, and the way I was raised keeps getting clearer.  I can remember the exact phrases my parents used to say whenever I went to them for help or with a problem.  Its so clear and obvious now what they were actually doing....and it wasn't anything about helping or supporting me.  Its not possible for me to blame my parents though.  They were both caught up in their own survival issues, wounded by their own abusive pasts and unconsciously passing it all onto me without realizing it.  What we don't see in ourselves, we blindly project onto others.

 

Its a good thing that I'm seeing the truth even more clearly now, it helps me to understand why I became who I am, but it has a destabilizing effect.  I'm getting overwhelmed with anger, sadness and grief because I didn't get the kind of love and care I needed as a child and that was the real cause of all my subsequent problems, bad decisions and the mess I'm in right now. I started knowing some of this years ago, when I was in my 20's, but now the reality of it is hitting home deeper than it ever has before.

 

It might be because I'm facing the reality that I'm never going to be able to have the kind of life I wanted and believed I could have, if I just tried hard enough, not realizing that it was too late for me to have a supportive, nurturing childhood.  I think I somehow transferred my unfulfilled needs onto my daughter and dedicated myself to giving her what I didn't get, finally realizing that it was too late for me.  But now, she is an adult and I'm left alone with my original wound.....again, older and with a broken nervous system.

 

My mum was over for her Sunday afternoon visit a couple of days ago, it seems to be getting harder and harder to be with her now.  Something happened and I didn't understand it at the time, but I do now.  My daughter came home and sat with us for a while, she was talking about herself and what she had been doing and her plans.  My mum was acting interested and supportive, saying all these encouraging and positive things and I was feeling myself getting filled with rage.  It was so uncomfortable, I was thinking it was withdrawal and a neuro-emotion.  But now I'm seeing another perspective.  My daughter was getting from my mother what she never gave to me, what I still don't get from her.  What I was feeling was my own repressed feelings of rage for not getting what I deserved as a child.

 

Yesterday morning was as bad as its ever been (again).  My nervous system has become stirred up again, by the stress of emotions being aroused by what I've been reading, and trying to come to terms with it.  I needed to go out to do a few chores, along with go to the bank, which I really didn't want to do. Yesterday was the only day I had my car to use.  I woke up and the hours were slowly going by and I wasn't feeling any better.  My body was shaking and trembling, I was dizzy, nauseous, feeling helpless, vulnerable and scared.  My thoughts were wildly fluctuating between past memories and fears for the future, wondering how I'm going to get through the rest of the day and the rest of my life.

 

By 3pm I wasn't feeling any better, so I took a shower, got dressed and went and did what I needed to do anyway.  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't difficult.  I think I was in a kind of dissociated state, just putting one foot in front of the other, focusing on my tasks, not allowing myself to think outside of the current moment because if I did, I knew I would crumble into a million little pieces right there in the mall and then be lost for ever.

 

Thank god I'm alone today.  I don't have to see anyone or talk to anyone, no random teenagers sleeping on my couches and coming in and out all hours of the night with head wounds and hangovers.  I don't have to see or hear anything which will trigger my emotions to fly wildly out of control, not for 24 hours at least.

 

With every physical cell of my body, I don't want to be here, living this excruciating experience of life. Its so raw, intense and I can't seem to find any relief or protection from it.  But the problem isn't life, its me.  My concept of myself is one of being broken, defective, not good enough.  My body is now being run by a damaged nervous system.  But life is still flowing through this body/mind and something is still hanging onto the hope that perhaps life alone will be enough to heal the broken parts.  I'm like a three legged stool with two broken legs.

[NervousKitten]

Petu... I'm so sorry you feel like this. I can really relate to your story about your mom and her interactions with your daughter. I've been there and it doesn't feel good at all. What has helped me is to try imagine that my mom is doing for others what she could never do for me. And that when my mom was younger, maybe she just didn't have the capacity to deal with such a sensitive child like myself. She still doesn't have the capacity to deal with me, but today I am much better about asking her for what I need in terms she can understand.

 

The other night we were talking about my most recent trip to the ER and I really just wanted her to listen. Instead, she offered advice and tried to find a solution to the problem. When I recognized this, I told her in the most loving way possible that I really just wanted her to listen. And she did! It was a great feeling to have, asking for what I needed.

 

I've relied heavily on 12-step programs since I got out of an alcoholic relationship a couple years ago, and I've leaned in even more after this withdrawal crap. I would go just to be around people. I didn't need to talk if I didn't need to. People where there if I needed a hug. I would just ask.

 

I wish I could give you a hug and help support you right now. I hope this response will do.

[Addax]

I know it's been several days since your last post here... I hope you're feeling better. I'm glad you're here even if you don't want to be right now. Though maybe after the last few days you're now glad to be here.

 

These thoughts we have when feeling so low are so incredibly powerful that they seem true. More true than what actually IS true. Our broken parts and broken thoughts will heal. We have evidence that that's true, we just dismiss the evidence when it doesn't mesh with how we currently feel.

 

You will get through this. It's a rough ride for sure, but you will get to your next window and I will get to mine... Then we can wave to each other!

[mattinsmom]

I wish that you could see you through my eyes. I see you as so strong. I'm not downplaying the suffering and unfairness of your life, nor am I minimizing the pain that you are in. I think that I see all of that, hear all of your desperation, and know that you are still taking the time to come on this site and post. I know that we post for our own journeys, but I believe we all post a little for each other too. Your hand is so frequently extended to others even when you are feeling cruddy. 

 

I wish I had words to say that would make everything, or anything, feel a little easier. I wish I could make your sky a little brighter. I wish I could make your ouches a little softer. I can't do those, but I can cheer for you. Consider me your personal cheerleader. I don't kick as high as I use to, and things sag a bit lower than they used to, but the spirit is still there. I'm rooting for you. 

[Pokeshaw]

Hi Petu,

 

thinking of you. I hope things are evening out a bit. even if it's just enough for you to know how much you've helped me in this past year. it is with great respect that i send a hug your way.

 

we're in your back pocket!

 

XOX

 

Poke

[areyouthere]

Petu... I'm so sorry you feel like this. I can really relate to your story about your mom and her interactions with your daughter. I've been there and it doesn't feel good at all. What has helped me is to try imagine that my mom is doing for others what she could never do for me. And that when my mom was younger, maybe she just didn't have the capacity to deal with such a sensitive child like myself. She still doesn't have the capacity to deal with me, but today I am much better about asking her for what I need in terms she can understand.

 

The other night we were talking about my most recent trip to the ER and I really just wanted her to listen. Instead, she offered advice and tried to find a solution to the problem. When I recognized this, I told her in the most loving way possible that I really just wanted her to listen. And she did! It was a great feeling to have, asking for what I needed.

 

 

As Nervouskitten can, I also can very much relate to this mother/daughter thing. I highlighted what I did from your post NK, because this, Petu, I feel is what we do best here and are here for. A place to vent, express ourselves in a safe place.

 

Thinking of you, dear Petu, and please know that there are better days ahead. How was your 24 hours alone?

 

RU

[Petunia]

Hello everyone and thank you for recent support and comments.  I wrote a fairly long post yesterday, but then changed my mind and didn't post it, I saved it though.  I'm not sure why, was having a bad day yesterday, bad in a different way, angry, restless, negative, cynical, hating everything and everyone, including myself.

 

In an attempt to escape these newish feelings (symptoms), I got in my car, which I picked up last week, and headed back towards the area where I used to live.  I had some shopping to do, but there was also an urge to sort of reconnect or 'catch up' with something of myself from the past.  I visited the home I lost when my marriage ended, I wanted to see if anything had changed.  When the new owners moved in they completely ripped out the front garden I had spent years planting and nurturing.  I had put an incredible amount of time, effort and thought into selecting compatible plants and shrubs which I planted and pruned into a flowing tapestry of form and color which was beautiful in a different way during each season.  It was a living work of art which I had created and it was such a shock the first time I drove by and saw that it was gone.  Just like that, over the course of one weekend, my sacred co-creation with God was obliterated.

 

I also drove past the house my daughter and I shared with my ex-partner, its been over 2 years since I was there, or have had any contact with him.  I'm not quite sure what I was expecting to see, maybe different cars in the driveway, some home improvements or positive changes of some kind.  But instead I was shocked by how run down its become.  Its easily the worst house in the street now, the front 'lawn' is uncut and a jungle of tall weeds.  The now unlicensed  mistake of a 4WD which he bought half way through our relationship is  still gathering rust and spider webs on one side of the car port.  The front garden bed which I planted is now completely lost behind a Forrest of weeds. Garbage bins not brought in, mail box overflowing.  At the time we left, he was in the process of renovating, but it seems like it didn't work out too well.   I had no urge to see my ex-partner again and seeing his house gave me a deeper feeling of closure.

 

Going out and driving around yesterday didn't work very well, my mood stayed exactly the same, at times it got worse in response to things which further annoyed me.  I stayed out for ages though, driving around, visiting different sites and places I used to often go.  I ended up at my parents house, picking up some food my mum had told me she had made for me.  I didn't need it, didn't even want it, but I just didn't want to go home.

 

The derealization was getting worse by the minute, there is something about my parents family room which always triggers it, I'm not sure if its the lighting, all the stuff on the shelves and walls that I can no longer relate to or now that I'm no longer drugged, I'm seeing/feeling the reality that is my parents and the way they live, more clearly and I'm finding it hard to deal with.   

 

Its like I look around at all the objects, collected over the years, I remember where most of it came from and its 'story', but now, it seems like such a lot of meaningless, pointless clutter.  Eighty plus years of life resulting in what?.....I can't even write it down, it just feels sad, years and years of pointless, unquestioned rituals of living, soul crushing roles, lack of emotional honesty and passive/aggressive communication, the atmosphere of denial is so thick, I can hardly breathe.

 

Yesterday I was trying to escape from my own skin because of a new symptom, or were they just old feelings emerging after being  buried by years of zoloft and lexapro, and the distraction of trying to survive and raise my daughter while in my own version of a painful, soul destroying marriage.

 

While I was driving around yesterday I realized that the intense anxiety associated with driving, which basically crippled me earlier in the year and for the last two years previously, was now gone.   The terror connected with leaving the house and being out in the world has subsided, but in its place is apathy, anhedonia, meaninglessness and waves of disgust, anger, sadness and frustration when I do go out.  I'm just not liking what I'm seeing out there.  Is what I'm seeing out there, a reflection of what I have in here?

 

At the moment, I'm not sure where the line between withdrawal ends and the remnants of a broken life begins.

 

I've got to believe that this is still the heavy shadow of withdrawal casting its gloomy net over my existence, limiting my ability to see the brighter side of life.  For me, depression was one of the bonus gifts which came with my first zoloft prescription.  I never had depression before I started taking antidepressants.

 

But having said that, I do remember going through periods in my life where I've felt incredibly empty, lost, sad and disconnected from life, but its never lasted long and previously, I've been able to figure out  the issue causing it and solve the problem, or at least attempt to.  But now, there is no specific external cause, nothing is preventing me from doing anything I want to do....I just don't want to do anything, there is no point when nothing I do makes me feel any better, my pleasure center is still closed for repairs, this has to still be withdrawal.

 

......maybe thats why I'm getting more and more reluctant to post on my own thread, I'm not getting any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction from expressing myself.  I'm getting no emotional reward or pleasure or comfort or sense of connection from either writing or reading comments, this lack of reinforcing emotion is strange and makes me feel like something is 'wrong'.... wrong with what I write, wrong with what I read, its wrong because it feels wrong.

 

But my feelings are broken, I have to try and remember that and not expect to use them as a reference any more......ignore the rising feeling of anxiety and confusion, ignore the growing sense of dread, press the add reply button  (I really hate this)...confusion, indecision, self doubt, non-acceptance.

 

Ignore my broken emotional compass and do what seems to be the right thing to do.... press the add reply button

 

 

 

[moodyblues78]

 

While I was driving around yesterday I realized that the intense anxiety associated with driving, which basically crippled me earlier in the year and for the last two years previously, was now gone.   The terror connected with leaving the house and being out in the world has subsided, but in its place is apathy, anhedonia, meaninglessness and waves of disgust, anger, sadness and frustration when I do go out.  I'm just not liking what I'm seeing out there.  Is what I'm seeing out there, a reflection of what I have in here?

 

At the moment, I'm not sure where the line between withdrawal ends and the remnants of a broken life begins.

 

I've got to believe that this is still the heavy shadow of withdrawal casting its gloomy net over my existence, limiting my ability to see the brighter side of life.  For me, depression was one of the bonus gifts which came with my first zoloft prescription.  I never had depression before I started taking antidepressants.

 

 

 

I could have written these very same things. For me, after anxiety always comes depression. Then i feel good. After a while i begin to fear loosing the good feeling and that leads to fear and anxiety and that turns into depression and so on. These seem to get more and more tolerable as time goes on. When wd symptoms lessen, the bad feelings and associations we have had all our lives, emerge once again but they are exaggerated and out of out of proportion. Next we have to learn to live with these until they subside and we can once again see the good things in life. Only my theory but it makes sense to me.

 

Sounds like you`re finally going towards a brighter future I`m glad of it.

[Petunia]

Thanks MB, your theory makes sense to me too and in general I agree that I'm recovering slowly.  The continual feelings of dread and terror which were almost constantly with me 2 years ago have decreased to about 20% intensity and only happen for a short while in the mornings and not even every day now.

 

But just to document, the last 3 days have been interesting and quite different.  On the 10th, Wednesday, I was hit with a wave of incredible restlessness, anger, irritation and almost rage like sensations.  I had to get out of the house, this is very unusual for me these days.  I spent hours driving around, but nothing relieved the feelings.  Yesterday, the 11th, I was in a wave of extreme exhaustion, I could hardly move all day.  This morning I woke up to extreme anxiety like symptoms, higher than what I've been having lately, akathisia and shaking, nausea.  It was so bad I took extra magnesium just to try and settle my body down.  Which worked.

 

Last night I checked the various solar/space weather internet sites I follow and wasn't surprised to learn that there has been some unusual events on the sun, coinciding with my increased symptoms.  There were 2 earth facing flares which were released on the 9th and 10th, many people are effected by these events.  Apparently it takes a few days for the energy to reach earth, a strong geomagnetic storm watch has been issued.  The initial explosion can cause problems and then further disruptions for several days...

 

"Blasts of charged particles, called coronal mass ejections or CMEs, were unleashed by a pair of solar flares — explosions from the surface of the sun on Tuesday and Wednesday.

If such solar charged particles hit the Earth, they can interact with our planet's magnetic field to generate a geomagnetic storm. That, in turn, can disrupt power grids and satellite and radio communications, including GPS navigation."

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/northern-lights-auroras-expected-after-2-huge-solar-flares-erupt-1.2763354

 

The earths protective magnetic field is decaying faster than ever before, leaving us more vulnerable to these incoming energies.

 

According to the Carlini Institute, solar flares effect the CNS and all brain activity.

 

I'm certain that some of my symptom waves are caused by solar activity, there's not much I can do about it, but its nice to know.  I wonder how many other people with sensitized nervous systems are effected by these solar events and don't realize it.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I just want to send you some healing thoughts. You don't have to respond, I know you have said in the past that at times you avoid your thread. I have been avoiding updating mine recently because I feel so crappy.

 

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Petunia]

Thanks CW, your thoughts and hugs are much appreciated.  You are right, I have been avoiding my thread, I find it easier to live like this if I spend more time distracting myself from myself, rather than thinking about how bad I feel.

 

I probably do need to update though because there have been some changes, but I've been avoiding writing about it because I don't know what's going on.  I suppose I will just write what has happened and leave it at that.

 

Last Saturday night, about 8pm, I suddenly felt amazingly good, like as if I was miraculously healed, this was the clearest, strongest window I have ever felt.  I felt no physical or psychological symptoms, I was relaxed, happy and suddenly feeling motivated, hopeful and enthusiastic about the future.  That lasted about 2 hours, then my right ear started screeching.  Loud.  I've had intermittent tinnitus in my right ear on and off for about a year, but nothing like this. I've had constant ringing in the middle of my head since I first stopped lexapro in the middle of 2010, but the sound in my right ear was fairly mild when I got it.

 

I woke up the next morning and was almost completely deaf in my right ear and it was still screeching.  The stress threw me into a state of near panic and I frantically spent most of the day researching, trying to figure out what it might be and what to do.  But as the day progressed, the noise subsided and my hearing came back.  So I was relieved.  The next morning when I woke up, the noise and deafness was back.  This happened exactly the same two days in a row.  But now, its been 4 more days and the noise and deafness seems to be permanent.

 

I've made a doctors appointment for this afternoon, but I'm kind of terrified.  Its been about 2 years since I've seen a doctor.  I don't want to go, but there is some kind of sudden hearing loss that if you catch it early, your hearing can be saved.  I've completely lost my trust in doctors and was hoping I wouldn't have to encounter another one until I was recovered from withdrawal.  He will probably send me away with some anti-biotics which will mess us my stomach, amp up my withdrawal symptoms and do nothing for my ear.

 

The strange thing is that this week, while I've been dealing with this confusing ear situation, my usual withdrawal symptoms seem to have subsided, but others have taken their place.  This week I've been dealing with the ear stuff and increasing head and neck pain, plus dizziness. Earlier in the week I was feeling more motivated and put myself on a schedule of cutting my back weeds one section at a time.  Now I don't know if I caused the increased pain by doing too much in my yard.

 

This is so frustrating and disheartening, I actually managed to feel a slight sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that I was managing to get my back yard tidied up myself.  Then it got worse.....

 

On Wednesday, my mum showed up for her usual Wednesday afternoon visit, my daughter let her in.  She said to  me "Did you know your dad is here cutting your back grass".  Normally I would have heard him, but I'm now half deaf, so I didn't know.  By the time I got out there, he had done all but a tiny patch which was left.  Normally, I probably would have been happy, but this was my new project,  it was getting me active and I was starting to build up some strength and confidence again, well I was until the pain and migraines started yesterday.

 

If paranoia was one of my symptoms, I would be thinking that I was being targeted and intentionally tormented by the universe.

 

On Wednesday, after everyone left, in spite of being half deaf, having a screeching noise in my ear and having my new project suddenly cut short, I was feeling surprisingly good.  I went grocery shopping and had yet another new and strange kind of experience.  Not being able to hear out of one ear, and being in a large, noisy grocery store, made me feel very disoriented.  My DP/DR usually amps up as soon as I get inside, so I'm fairly used to dealing with that, but this felt much different.  It was almost like I was completely deaf and I felt very vulnerable.  I couldn't hear what people were saying to me and I  had to guess, but it seemed funny, I felt like I was going completely insane, but didn't care, it was like I just gave up, my whole body is slowing falling apart and there's nothing I can do, it seemed amusing at that moment, I thought maybe next week I will wake up and not be able to see.

 

I'm seeing a new doctor this afternoon, not sure if that's a good thing or not, he wont have any of my history so should just focus on my ear.

[mlrp]

Just a drive-by ((hug)) and hello, Petu.

 

I hope you get some answers from the quack about your hearing. You've been going through a lot!

 

Fascinated by your noting the recent sun flares and possible effects on the CNS. I happened to be at the Wallops Island NASA facility on 10 September (was vacationing on nearby Chincoteague Island) and learned about the sun flares there. Didn't even bother to think of how I might be affected. Interesting that I was hit by a wave just a day or two later. I'm one of those people who can't wear battery-powered watches because they all die on me after a few days - something to do with my "personal magnetism," I guess.

 

I've recently rediscovered my childhood fascination with astronomy. Hoping to get some image stabilizing binos, or a telescope (or both!) soon.

 

Hang in there, Petu!

[Addax]

I hope you get some answers about these new symptoms or even better, that they go away as quickly as they came.  I know it must be so frustrating and disheartening and even scary to have these things creep in. This journey of withdrawal can be so cruel.  I wish I could come up with something to write that would ease your mind and comfort you.  

 

I'm sending you healing, calming, and healthy vibes and a warm hug.  

[lobster]

Hi petu: -)

 

I'm Sorry you are having trouble hearing I hope you get it straightend out. I to have troubles with the ringing in my ears. I started noticing it once I got below 5mg lexapro and have had it ever since. I think it's been since December Of last year. It's worse in my left ear. I don't notice it during the day with the other noises. But at night when it's quiet it drives me nuts. I have to have the fan going to mask it..we'll I hope you get some relief you deserve it take care: -)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

What dreadful news about your ear and I hope you let us know as soon as possible what you find out from the doctor. I tried to look up some causes for what you described and it seems there is not much consensus between sites except oral or intra-tympanic steroids being useful treatment whether a cause is found or not. I sure hope you can get something that helps. Did the noise keep you from getting rest? I wonder (if no cause is found) if this is the nerves involved in hearing which may be affected by AD damage, going all wonky due to healing. Like they are waking up and not processing sound correctly.

 

Whatever it is, I hope you get what you need. Oh, sweetie, this stuff is so unfair!

[mammaP]

Hope your doctor was helpful Petu, and could explain what is wrong. It sounds very distressing and

I hope it eases soon. I'm glad you've had a good window, it's such a shame that it is spoilt by this. 

 

You deserve a window, a good long one because you've been so patient and suffered terribly. 

Let us know how you are.  Mamma hugs. 

[Petunia]

:)

 

Thank you everyone for your support, just a quick update re: my hearing/ear problem.

 

My doctor visit went so much better than I expected, I'm glad I decided to see someone completely new.  I didn't even get chance to sit down and wait before being called in.  With my old doctor, people usually had to wait about 2 hours, even with an appointment.

 

He actually listened to what I was saying, asked some questions and spent a long time looking in my ear, trying to see what was going on.  I'm going back in about an hour to have my ear syringed because he couldn't see my ear drum.  So I wasn't just sent away with antibiotics.  Yesterday, I wasn't feeling too bad, so after my appointment, I stayed out and caught up with a few chores.

 

I'm feeling worse this morning again, the DR is bad and I'm feeling shaky and very anxious again.  This is an agoraphobia kind of day, but I have to fight it and get to my appointment.  Its suddenly turned stormy too, so that doesn't help.

 

One more positive.  I tried green smoothies about a year ago, but they increased my symptoms.  I had one yesterday and nothing bad happened, so I made another one today.  Perhaps my NS has finally settled down a bit and can tolerate a bit more nutrition.

 

CW, I think you asked if I could sleep with the ringing.  Its been more difficult to fall asleep, but I've managed.  I often fall asleep at night listening to youtube stuff, but its been a bit weird with only being able to hear through one headphone and mostly squealing on the other side.  Its not exactly squealing, its a very high pitched whine and much harder to tolerate than the constant medium pitched ringing I've had since the middle of 2010.

 

I tried to look up some causes for what you described and it seems there is not much consensus between sites except oral or intra-tympanic steroids being useful treatment whether a cause is found or not.

 

Yes, I ended up being more confused after all my research, but it was this treatment, if tried early enough, being able to save your hearing, which got me passed my fear of going to the doctor again.  I think I could get used to the hearing loss, but this noise is driving me insaner than I already am

[Petunia]

... a bit later

 

   I can hear again, but better still, the noise has stopped.  Its hard to understand how wax buildup could 'suddenly' cause such a loss of hearing and loud tinnitus, but that's what it was.  It was such a relief and very unexpected that this problem would be fixed so easily. The nurse told me to use olive oil in my other ear to stop it happening in that one too, so I came home and did that.

 

I've been using earplugs for sleeping for about 2 years, maybe that's what caused it. Now I don't have to see the doctor again.  I'm actually happy this happened.  Its broken my fear of medical professionals and I've found a new doctor who so far, seems to be ok.

[WinningThrough]

Petu that's brilliant! My first thought was wax because the same thing happened to me a few years ago. I suddenly went deaf from wax and it was scary.

 

Gosh it sounds like some major healing is going on for you! You're getting clear windows now.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Here's what I think I remember about the ear: There are little hairs inside the canal to sweep debris out. Using earplugs pushes wax deeper inside the ear everytime you put them in. At some point, the wax buildup (which might be resting on some hairs and not completely blocking the canal) falls in or moves and blocks the canal completely and you can't hear because the air can't reach the eardrum to vibrate it. The only reason I know this is a few times in my life I have had a little ball of wax actually fall out of my ear and it tickles the hairs. It is supposed to come out. But a few times I have had to have my ear irrigated because of wax buildup. I try not to use earplugs at all. Over the ear speakers are better in the long term if you do audio every day.

 

I am so glad it was just that and not something more serious, and that you seem to have found a great doctor who knew to see if the mechanics of the body were working properly.

 

Now on to the business of getting well. I hope you get more windows of feeling better!