☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[Petunia]

Its been almost a week since I updated.  Thank you Amy for your comments, they are really helpful and just what I needed to read, I'm really struggling at the moment.  My daughter left for Japan and basically I have no distractions from having to deal with my relationship with myself now.  No one needs me and for the first time in a long time I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself and its terrifying.

 

I'm in the same symptom pattern, waking up too early with high cortisol, lots of fear and trembling, wishing that I could get some relief and its making my sadness and loss seem so much worse, well it was, not quite so bad today.  My old pattern of trying to do something, anything as a way of avoiding my feelings is desperately trying to kick in, and I'm noticing myself react to it, being led towards it and then overwhelming nausea and dizziness rise, like a warning, telling me to sit with my feelings.  I'm painfully reminded of all the choices I've made in the past, based on trying to avoid difficult emotions and now it seems like I'm having to live through all those avoided feelings.

 

I'm still managing to do all the things I need to do to keep life functional, even the dread of going out has subsided somewhat, but everything now has a backdrop of deep grief and loss.

 

Its like I'm mourning the loss of my own life... my hopes, dreams, ideals, values..... they are all gone, they never really existed in the first place, they were just ideas or beliefs which kept me narrowly focused and moving 'forward' towards..... I don't know what, I'm not sure where I thought I was headed.  Everything seems like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight, I can see so much clearer and yet I can also see that I was always doing the best I could with almost no support from anyone really.

 

Physically, I don't feel so bad today, I woke up a little later, the akathisia seems to have gone again for now, hot/cold flashes have subsided early, but emotionally I'm at my limit, I'm feeling engulfed by a lifetime of sadness, grief, fear, loss and hopelessness.  I went for a walk yesterday afternoon, and all the sad emotions came right along with me, later I went and did a little grocery shopping, and there they were as I sorted through the bananas and checked the expiry date on the milk.  There is no escape from these feelings and I think this is the way it has to be.... even if they are neuro-emotions, they have to be felt because this is part of healing and learning how to tolerate life naturally, no matter how hard it gets.

 

The hardest part about this is that I really am very much alone, even with other people around because most people spend their lives doing things in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, its very 'normal' and most people don't understand why I don't/cant just do what they do.... all the things I also used to do to avoid my feelings. I wish I could, but nothing works any more.  What's that saying about it being time to pay the piper?

 

Well today I'm going to do that.  I'm not getting dressed, not going anywhere, not going to do anything apart from allow myself to feel the way I do.  This is what my life is right now, there is no escape, so I'm going to stop trying to run away from it.

 

I just hope I can maintain the strength to get through this.

[alex]

I just hope I can maintain the strength to get through this.

 

Dear Petu; I make myself the same question every time I feel bad, like right now.

We will, just like thousands of people have done it.

You are in the infamous 9-10 month mark.

Hang in there.

I am with you.

 

Hugs.

[Narcissus]

It was very hard to read your last post, Petu ,parts of it are excruciating.   I feel your terrible aloneness and I recognize it.  It sounds like, despite it all, you still have some trust that you're headed for better places.  You are, I'm sure of it.  Hang in there my friend.  

[mammaP]

Petu I totally understand how you are feeling.  Suddenly being alone and feeling so sick is terrifying. 

I sometimes stay in my pj's too, and watch daytime telly with cups of herb tea . Or sit with the laptop

and do jigsaws, jigsaws are good because they stop you from thinking too much but don't need much 

thinking about either, if that makes sense.  I pick a jigsaw then try all the different cuts. I rarely complete

them all but it passes time and distracts my mind. 

 

This is a long and painful wave for you Petu, and you have the added  trauma of empty nest syndrome.

That in itself can be very difficult for anyone! 

 

Take care of you now and give yourself the TLC that you deserve. 

 

Big squishy Mamma hugs flying from Scotland to Aus. 

[Narcissus]

Hi Petu, I thought about you while reading these things...I hope some of them of are of interest.

 

"The paradoxical language of religion reveals the way to the truth as a way to the depth, and therefore as a way of suffering and sacrifice.  Every step into the depth of thought is a breaking away from the surface of former thoughts.

We are always moving forward, although usually in a circle, which finally brings us back to the place from which we first moved.  We are in constant motion and never stop to plunge into the depth.  We talk and talk and never listen to the voices speaking to our depth and from our depth.  We accept ourselves as we appear to ourselves, and do not care what we really are.  Like hit-and-run drivers, we injure our souls by the speed with which we move on the surface and then we rush away, leaving our bleeding souls alone.  We miss, therefore, our depth and our true life.  And it is only when the picture that we have of ourselves breaks down completely, only when we find ourselves acting against all expectations we had derived from that picture, and only when an earthquake shakes and disrupts the surface of our self-knowledge, that we are willing to look into a deeper level of our being.  

 

The depth in religious language is often used to express the dwelling place of evil forces, of the daemonic powers, of death and hell...There is no excuse which permits us to avoid the depths of truth, the only way to which lies the depth of suffering.  Whether the suffering comes from outside and we take it upon ourselves as the road to the depth, or whether it be chosen voluntarily as the only way to deep things...the road runs contrary to the ways we formerly lived and thought...in the depths of emptiness...in the depths of inhumanity.  

 

The end of the way is joy.  And joy is deeper than suffering.  It is ultimate....eternal joy is not to be reached by living on the surface.  It is rather attained by breaking through the surface, by penetrating the deep things of ourselves, and of our world  The moment in which we reach the last depth of our lives is the moment in which we can experience the joy that has eternity within it, the hope that cannot be destroyed, and the truth on which life and death are built.  For in the depth is truth; and in the depth is hope; and in the depth is joy."

[Petunia]

Thank you dear Alex, your words always help.

 

...also, thank you Nar for posting...

 

It was very hard to read your last post, Petu ,parts of it are excruciating.   I feel your terrible aloneness and I recognize it.  It sounds like, despite it all, you still have some trust that you're headed for better places.  You are, I'm sure of it.  Hang in there my friend.  

 

I'm sorry you found it difficult to read, I guess that means you can relate to it, which isn't good, it does make me feel less alone, but I hate the thought of anyone else feeling like this.  I was reading or listening to something the other day, spiritual in nature about going through a dark night kind of process, and it made it very clear that part of the nature of the experience is that it absolutely cannot be shared and must be endured completely alone, with no support.  It sounds harsh, but it makes sense.  Regardless, I don't actually have a choice now.  There is support all around me, yesterday, my Mum came over, talked with my sister for a long time on the phone, chatted for a few minutes with my daughter via skype and I have this forum here.... but nothing touches me at that deepest level, nothing reaches in to where experience is felt, we might all experience the same emotions, but we can only ever feel our own feelings.  When the majority of people use most of their energy trying to avoid their feelings, its not surprising that its difficult to get the kind of support which comes even close to being helpful.

 

I'm ok though and I do have hope, that there is going to be an end to this.

 

Suddenly being alone and feeling so sick is terrifying. 

I sometimes stay in my pj's too, and watch daytime telly with cups of herb tea . Or sit with the laptop

and do jigsaws,

 

Thanks Mamma, there is something comforting about staying in pj's all day.  Yesterday I put on my winter ones for the first time this season.  I often don't get dressed, if I'm not going out and no one is coming over, but yesterday it was like a conscious decision, which felt different.  I do play various computer games for distraction, but not for long, after a while of playing candy crush or virtual farming I get a bad feeling and have to stop, I'm not sure what it is, but it comes from a very deep place and I can't ignore it.

 

I envy people who can watch TV.  I used to be able to, but not any more.  I keep trying, like on tuesday morning, I tried for about an hour, was flicking through the channels, but everything triggered uncomfortable emotions.  I'm seeing things too clearly now, I can see how everything on TV is a series of constructed false realities, designed to manipulate us in some way, this is all I see now.  I used to be able to get involved in the surface drama of it all, not being aware of anything below the surface, but not any more, I notice too much and it scares me to realize that most people are completely unaware of how they are being subconsciously controlled by what they are watching on tv.

 

For example, this is what I noticed from watching a morning panel show for a few minutes.  Every woman on the panel was young, attractive and had blonde hair, there were 4 of them.  The two men were older and not so attractive.  The women were superficial in their comments, laughed too much and seemed to defer to the men.  The men were quieter, their comments of a deeper nature and always had the last word.  This is Australian daytime TV on a major network, we are all being continually programmed by these role models.  Then I switch to a news update..... murder, accidents, muggings, war, corruption, not one positive or hopeful message, just a lot of fear mongering.  Then I stumbled onto to some adverts - life insurance, car insurance, reminding me that people die, we have car accidents and I had better make sure I'm prepared.  Then there was all the weight loss products and equipment, reminding everyone that they are not ok the way they are.... it just went on and on as I flipped the channels, the more I watched, the more I could feel myself getting dragged down into a spiral of hopelessness, not just for myself, but for everyone who regularly exposes them self to watching TV.   I seem to have lost my filter, nothing goes straight into my subconscious any more, I'm aware of too much and when it comes to what gets aired on TV, most of it has a very manipulative, underlying agenda....which I no longer seem able to ignore.

 

So I gave up and went to find something positive and uplifting on the internet. 

 

But its not all bad, I seem to be sleeping better and longer every day now.  Physically, my body is feeling a bit more relaxed, physical symptoms not so intense and calming down earlier in the day.  Suddenly finding myself living alone is a big adjustment, but as I'm getting used to it, I can see that its a reduction of stress because living with an active teenager makes life very unpredictable.

 

As Alex keeps reminding me, I've only been off all meds for under a year, I keep forgetting that I was still messing around with my brain chemistry on and off for 2 years after getting off lexapro.  Actually I'm in a good situation for healing right now with very little stress from external life pressures.

[Petunia]

We are always moving forward, although usually in a circle, which finally brings us back to the place from which we first moved.  We are in constant motion and never stop to plunge into the depth.  We talk and talk and never listen to the voices speaking to our depth and from our depth.  We accept ourselves as we appear to ourselves, and do not care what we really are.  Like hit-and-run drivers, we injure our souls by the speed with which we move on the surface and then we rush away, leaving our bleeding souls alone.  We miss, therefore, our depth and our true life.  And it is only when the picture that we have of ourselves breaks down completely, only when we find ourselves acting against all expectations we had derived from that picture, and only when an earthquake shakes and disrupts the surface of our self-knowledge, that we are willing to look into a deeper level of our being.... 

 

 

 

....The end of the way is joy.  And joy is deeper than suffering.  It is ultimate....eternal joy is not to be reached by living on the surface.  It is rather attained by breaking through the surface, by penetrating the deep things of ourselves, and of our world  The moment in which we reach the last depth of our lives is the moment in which we can experience the joy that has eternity within it, the hope that cannot be destroyed, and the truth on which life and death are built.  For in the depth is truth; and in the depth is hope; and in the depth is joy."

 

  Thank you for typing this out for me.  Everything you wrote resonates, but these two paragraphs the most.  Where did it come from?

 

Its so difficult at times, believing that I'm on the right path.  My spiritual journey got badly hijacked very early on by western medicine, at first I completely rejected the 'illness' perspective, but over the years I've been broken down by the prevalence of this view in my community and the almost complete lack of support for anything different.  Now I'm not only dealing with withdrawal but fighting and clawing my way up and out of the pit of hopelessness (a psychiatric diagnosis) which is the predominantly western perspective of any experience which deviates from a 'normal' state of consciousness.

 

I often find myself right in the middle of a three pronged crossroads, not sure in which direction to cast my focus.  Am I in protracted withdrawal?  Is this the continuation of of a spiritual/energy process which began a long time ago and got prematurely shut down?  Or do I have a mental illness?

 

I need all the support I can get for the first two options because I don't see myself as being any more mentally ill than most other people, I live my life quite a bit different from the average person, but that's by choice, not because of an illness, well maybe it is now... the illness of withdrawal from psyche meds.

 

..... I need to drag myself away from SA now, we have to vote again on Saturday and I'm going to go and do an early vote today so I can avoid the lines.

[alex]

Petu, I wasn't able to watch TV (that is full of S****t btw) for more than a year.

I remember that it was a big struggle for me to watch the Oscars one year ago.

Now i am much much better.You see?you are not alone, it's the same pattern, and it gets better.

[Rhiannon]

Hi Petu--thinking of you.

 

I know nothing I can say can make you feel better, but I want you to know I care, and I can definitely relate, and that I know, even if you don't, that this will pass, that you're healing. I can already hear the words you're going to be saying when the light dawns at last.  I see it in the distance, the first glimmerings far away, even if you can't see it yet.

 

I've seen so many people go through this, and you're moving through it in a normal way, at a normal pace, with a lot of strength and good tools and good work and deep healing. It's lovely knowing you and seeing the grace with which you move through this trying ordeal. You bring a lot of beauty to my life.

 

You're going to be fine and you're going to know so much joy. 

 

Hang in there, my sister. It's coming. It's just a bit of a hike yet.

[Petunia]

Petu, I wasn't able to watch TV (that is full of S****t btw) for more than a year.

I remember that it was a big struggle for me to watch the Oscars one year ago.

Now i am much much better.You see?you are not alone, it's the same pattern, and it gets better.

 

  really? So this TV thing is even part of withdrawal, that's such a relief.  I get worried every time I read about people being able to relax by watching TV, it triggers all kinds of weird neuro-emotions in me, which reminds me of that part of psychosis when people believe that the TV is giving them secret messages.

 

I've seen so many people go through this, and you're moving through it in a normal way, at a normal pace, with a lot of strength and good tools and good work and deep healing. It's lovely knowing you and seeing the grace with which you move through this trying ordeal. You bring a lot of beauty to my life.....

 

You're going to be fine and you're going to know so much joy. 

 

Hang in there, my sister. It's coming. It's just a bit of a hike yet.

 

Thank you Rhi for your warm, encouraging message, it brought tears to my eyes and that's saying something because I'm not really able to cry at the moment, although I did cry a little when I was saying goodbye to my daughter the other day, which was also a relief to know that my normal feelings are coming back.

 

I've actually had a tiny window this afternoon, the kind where some unexpected enthusiasm for something inspired me.  Once I was out of the house and had found the place to do early voting, the fear/dread/grief feeling that I've had intensely for several days dropped away, and I was looking for something to do rather than come home.  I went shopping at recycle boutiques for puppy toys, then I came home and washed them.  I only spent a few dollars on them, so it doesn't matter if I don't get a puppy, now, or in a while, but I'm even better prepared now if I do and I enjoyed sorting through all the baby toys, looking for ones which are most like the puppy toys I've seen in pet stores.... ones which rattle, crinkle, squeak and can be chewed

[mammaP]

I can find some things to watch at some point in the day, we have antiques shows and 

quiz shows at some point in the day, I am going to whisper this so only you can hear

 

I watch ceebeebies sometimes   . I can't stand the panel shows, avoid the news and anything noisy. 

I like it for an hour or so but turn it off when there isn't anything that interests me. I couldn't have 

a tv on in the background like some people, it would drive me insane! 

[Nikki]

Petu everyone of this site can identify totally with what you are going thru.  We all have it or had it.  I do.

 

You are in a process of the loss of your daughter going to Japan.  It would be hard no matter what your circumstances are.

In WD it is even worse.  We feel very needy and we are.  I can go into a panic thinking about my daughter leaving.

 

There is such emotional turmoil in trying to mend from psych drugs.

 

A good while back I posted a Thread "Pursuit of Happiness"  I have have been meaning to pull it up again and talk about it.  There is a absence of happiness in my life as well.

 

Alot of us have a common thread....we over analyze.  It's my nature.  Always looking to mend, fix, correct, make better.  when these difficult moments pop up can you tell yourself that it is the drugs that brought this on.

 

I love what Rhi said about seeing so many people move thru this.  I needed to read that More than once.  Maybe you don't see what we see.  You are moving forward and are a very important part of my journey thru this.

 

I like to read Alex's posts about how he went thru this and came out the other side.

 

Sorry I wasn't along sooner.  Hugs

[Muddles]

Peru. I can relate to so much you write. Not being able to watch TV or play games because of that awful indescribable feeling. That feeling I get with most things. It's definitely withdrawel. Prayers for you.

[wulfgar]

Same here, sports and news on tv made me feel awful. Still not watching any shows or news on TV. The habit is gone. I could an can watch old movies and series that i have seen many times before though, especially the non violent ones.

/Wulfgar

[mattinsmom]

When you talked about returning to your spiritual path I thought about how completely out of control I feel when I am working through a shift. It is hard to remember that things can seem so difficult and horrible but actually be the absolute right thing for the moment. It made me think of this:

 

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone.

The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes.

To someone who doesn't understand growth it would look like complete destruction.~Cynthia Occeli

 

Growth is never easy, that is why they are called growing pains. 

 

You got this. 

[Lexy]

Im glad you had a window.  A puppy will work wonders.  My Buddy helps me more than I can say. 

[Petunia]

Thanks everyone for the love and support, I don't have much words in me today, but that's not a bad thing, I'm actually feeling relaxed with minimal symptoms today, just got no energy or motivation, but feeling completely ok about it, which is sort of new.

 

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone.

The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes.

To someone who doesn't understand growth it would look like complete destruction.~Cynthia Occeli

 

 

Thank you for posting this Amy.  It also reminds me about what happens to a caterpillar so that it can become a butterfly.  Caterpillars get some protection from the world while they are disintegrating and growing, but we have to do our transforming while carrying on life as usual.  My pj's are my chrysalis

[bubble]

not many words yes but extremely beautiful!

 

had to post immediately

[Petunia]

For some reason, I don't like posting in my thread when I'm feeling bad.  The worse I'm   feeling, the more reluctant I am to face it and write about it.  Not sure if that's a good thing or not.  A lot of self criticism comes up and I become very negative about myself and my motives.  I need some support, but I tell myself that I should stop complaining and thinking that I can't do anything to help myself.  I can be very mean to myself and when I feel better, I see how mean I've been..... but that's not what I wanted to write about.

 

Yesterday was like a wave inside a wave.  Thankfully, its just back to the single wave, which seems to be diminishing now (hope).  I don't know what happened.  I want to blame it on my mum's home made soup, which I ate for dinner, but I think I was starting to feel bad before that.  I'm not going to go into details, but yesterday really scared me.  I've been going through this long enough now, that I rarely have secondary fear (of my symptoms), but yesterday frightened me.

 

To confuse matters even more, I made the mistake of changing 2 things at the same time.  I stopped taking taurine and Black Cohosh.  Actually I cut the taurine down to only taking it once in the morning, then stopped it, thinking that it wasn't helping any more.  Actually it was, but I had just got used to not having that particular symptom and when the wave started, of other increased symptoms, I thought that maybe the taurine (and Black Cohosh) had turned paradoxical.

 

I'm back on the Black Cohosh now, that was definately helping to decrease the hot flashes at night, since stopping it, they have increased again and I'm not sleeping so well.  When I wake up, from the flash of heat,  its with a surge of adrenaline, which causes panic.  I think perhaps the taurine may have been helping at night in some way because when I did wake up, it wasn't with a surge of panic.  I don't like the idea of being dependent on even supplements, I don't want to have to take anything. I hope that one day I can be happy and healthy again with just a good diet.

 

I'm getting short windows a little more regularly now and I've noticed that when I get them, I feel more improved and happier and even more functional.  But my waves seem to be getting worse, well just lately they have been.

 

No matter how hard I try, I can't get used to how different I feel from one hour to the next, from one day to the next.  This instability and lack of control is the hardest part to deal with, for me anyway.  I had started feeling better by about lunch time today, well enough to go out anyway.  I was quite relaxed driving and doing my chores.  Just mindfully getting done what I needed to do in a neutral sort of way, then suddenly, a wave hit and my perceptions got distorted, I couldn't think properly, couldn't make decisions and wanted to be back at home.... this is such an unpleasant way to have to live......before the wave hit, I went into the pet store and put my name down to be contacted when they get more puppies in.  Then when the wave hit, it didn't seem like such a good idea again.

 

I'm fine now though, but tired.  As long as things keep changing, even if the changes are difficult, I'm able to see it as a positive sign that my body is trying to heal, trying to re balance itself.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Peru,

 

We are always glad when you update your thread. I always look forward to your posts but feel sad for you when they are not positive. That's just the way of withdrawal, isn't it? I don't post in my thread anymore because I just don't want to add anymore sadness to all of the sad stories here. Like the thread you and I and others have been posting in the last few days. I really don't know why I bothered with it except I found it too unsettling to leave alone.

 

I hope you find the puppies comforting. I am at a stage where I don't like being around animals but have to because I have a cat and do pet sitting. Seems like things will be the way they are forever and I do not like it. I yearn for a full night's sleep every night. I want to blot out this part of my life with it.

 

Anyway, glad to hear you are able to get some relief from supplements.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Darn speel chukker put your name in wrong, sorry!

[Rhiannon]

Hi Petu--Thinking of you.

 

I'm always glad when you post whether feeling good or bad. You're so eloquent in your sharing, that when you share about feeling bad, it's helpful to me. It helps me feel less alone and crazy about the ways I feel myself. I'm sure other people feel the same way about your posts. 

[Barbarannamated]

I'm always glad when you post whether feeling good or bad. You're so eloquent in your sharing, that when you share about feeling bad, it's helpful to me. It helps me feel less alone and crazy about the ways I feel myself. I'm sure other people feel the same way about your posts.

Agree wholeheartedly. You have a true gift of putting these bizarre feelings and experiences into words that resonate with us. Thank you.

[lobster]

Hi Petu:-) just stopping by to say im thinking of you. Im hoping your feeling ok. It's been a nice sunny day here today. Take care of yourself

[JanCarol]

Petu, I am thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better.

 

Guess what?  I am getting a dog!!!   Not my dog, but a loaner dog!  I have had problems with barking dogs in the neighborhood.  I have complained to all of the neighbors who don't seem to mind that their dogs are barking their heads off all day.  Except one.  He has cameras and a recording system turned on the dog's space, and tracks when his dog barks, and has an anti-bark collar (it shocks, but who am I to judge?  what are the other options?) the only thing he could do next would be surgery, and he is loathe to do that.

 

So I offered to play with the dog, to take the dog for walks, to throw a ball for him.

 

So I am "taking classes" to "join the pack" so that I handle him in the same way his Alpha Dog would, to be consistent with his training.  The owner (Alpha Dog) is a little nervous about me handling his boy (he's a big dog - but I've handled wolf hybrids and dobermans in the past), so I'm happy to "take lessons" and get socialised with the dog.

 

This means that when he is barking his head off, I can DO something instead of pacing around my house with my hands over my ears wishing it would stop!  Maybe when we are successful, I will offer to do the same for the other neighbors - and if I get regular with it - I can turn it into a little dog walking business!  But that's many many steps away.  

 

I'm still on "lessons in joining the pack."  

 

I thought you might enjoy this story about how to have a dog without having a dog!  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

JC,

 

What a fabulous way to handle an upsetting situation! I hope you tell us how it works out.

 

Petu, I hope you are OK, I miss you!

[Petunia]

JC, thank you for sharing your story and I agree, that's such a great way to handle a problem, it sounds like you are doing really well.  Thanks for asking about me CW.  I haven't been posting much because I'm not feeling well at all.  Physically, symptoms aren't as bad as they were at first, but still very uncomfortable for much of the day.

 

I'm dealing with a lot of negative emotions, they just keep coming (up).  I'm trying so hard to do positive things, but when the result is waves of painful memories and sadness, loss, anger etc....... no matter what I do.  Well, it just doesn't seem to work the way its supposed to, its not a positive experience.

 

I'm still mostly thinking of this as a process and that I just have to get through it, but I have to admit, it seems to be getting harder the longer it goes on.  There is change though.  A while back, my predominant emotion was fear.  Now its mostly sadness/loss.  Dreams are full of anger and frustration as I seem to be working through struggles from past bad relationships as I sleep.

 

In one way, its a relief to be living alone now, I'm realizing just how little energy I have for anyone else's stuff.  Its as much as I can do at the moment to survive my own.  I'm so sensitive again that everything triggers something, I can't tell the difference between what's outside of me and what's inside of me.

 

I wasn't planning on writing in my thread, I don't have anything positive to write, not much hope here, just hanging on, pushing back the waves of fear caused by my doubts about how much more of this I can take.  Days seem to go on for ever, but weeks are flying by and I'm feeling shame and guilt because I'm 'wasting'  what remains of my life..... but I don't know what else to do.

 

Yesterday I went for a walk at a popular, scenic tourist type place near me.  Its actually very beautiful, with amazing ocean views in 3 directions.  I challenged myself and did 'the steps', then went for a walk around one of the nature trails, then drove to another part and wandered down to a little beach part, then drove to another bit where there were a lot of people enjoying the scenery.....but for me, everything triggered painful memories, they just kept coming, so I did my best to let them come up and let them go.

 

Then I found myself sitting in my car, looking out over the ocean.  There were cars either side of me with people in them.  I had a feeling of being completely empty, lost and alone in myself, but somehow there was a tangible connection to the people around me, it was like I was feeling what they were feeling. It wasn't nice.  I tried to bring up some of my own pleasant memories and managed to find a few. 

 

I've gone through bad periods in my life, but nothing comes close to this.  Evenings still bring some relief from the overwhelming emotional pain, but by then I'm completely exhausted and just wanting the bliss of sleep, which is usually quite good for a few hours, but then the conflict filled dreams start and the waking up with waves of heat and sweating.... somewhat relieved by Black Cohosh, not quite so hot or as often, but still cruel.

 

I vaguely remember having a small, possibly 2 day window a few days ago? Or a week ago?  I don't know, time feels like its merging into one long eternal now at the moment.

 

I worry that I'm going insane, but not even knowing what that even means, makes it hard to question in any logical way.  Maybe its the shock of realizing more and more each day that I've completely lost control of 'my life' or 'my self', I'm not sure which.  But that's not the truth, it just feels that way.  I'm actually more in control of my 'self' than I've ever been.  I'm no longer doing things in an attempt to avoid feeling my difficult emotions... and they are really giving me the challenge of my life.  Actually, that's not even true either.  I spent almost an entire day on Monday trying to avoid feeling what I was feeling, was trying to distract myself and I had one of the worst days I've had in a long time.

 

Fighting with myself now to press the post button...... don't like inflicting my negativity on anyone else.

[alex]

I am sorry dear Petu;what these drugs do to your body is absolutely devastating..but the body is amazing and it wont keep fighting for recovery.

The 9-10 months infamous mark.

 

Hang in there.

[Petunia]

The 9-10 months infamous mark.

 

 

Thanks again Alex

 

Just under a year ago was when I found this site, realized that I was in withdrawal and stopped trying to fix my symptoms with drugs, but I've actually been in protracted withdrawal from Lexapro, without knowing it since the middle of 2010.  It became acute in November 2011 due to randomly using stimulant meds for ADHD and St.Johns Wort..... but I still didn't know what was going on.

 

I may have only been properly healing for just under a year, because that's when I stopped putting drugs in my body, but I've been experiencing this acute nervous system instability for 2.5 years.

 

In hindsight, I think that if I had never been diagnosed ADD, taken stimulants or St Johns Wort, I probably would be recovered now.

[Barbarannamated]

Dear Petu,

 

Thank you for sharing honestly how you're feeling. I think it benefits everyone to share both the positive and negative. We don't need another Facebook with everyone posting their accomplishments and good times while others compare their own lives.

 

I'm on a similar timeline with ADD meds, too, and despite a very brief window recently, I feel I'm doing much worse than in earlier withdrawal. Triggers, triggers everywhere. The feeling of trauma keeps multiplying.

 

You write so beautifully that even in your deep place of pain, it touches so many. Please don't ever hold back your dark emotions thinking that you're spreading negativity. I suspect I'm not the only one who relates to your continued pain. It's easy to see people come on forum, taper, and assume they're moving on with their lives.

 

I've been crying a lot in recent weeks....my writing is very simple, but I hope the meaning and appreciation of you comes through. You are not alone in your painful journey. I wish I could take away both of our fears and pain.

 

B

[Petunia]

 I hope the meaning and appreciation of you comes through. You are not alone in your painful journey. I wish I could take away both of our fears and pain.

 

B

 

Yes it does and thank you for letting me know what I write helps.  I've been feeling like a deer caught in the headlights whenever I try and write something lately.  When I do manage to write something, it feels like a release, but I worry terribly about making things worse for other people.

 

Whatever I read, goes straight to my heart and I feel what's being expressed as if its my own emotions and I want to ease that suffering because I seem to be feeling it and know how difficult it is, but I know I can't take anyone else's pain away, we all have to work through our own issues in our own ways and when I try and 'help', I end up feeling completely inadequate because I've got to a point in my own healing journey where I realize that nothing outside of myself is going to fix anything inside..... and I tend to believe that to be true for everyone..... when it might not be.

 

After what felt like a heroic effort yesterday to get out and do something positive for myself, today I'm feeling moderately hopeless and defeated again.  It didn't work in the way I thought it should..... the way getting active and getting out works in cases of normal, everyday depression.  I read over and over about how people have healed faster by exercising regularly, how they feel better once they get some energy moving.... but for me, the increased blood flow brought up painful memories and emotions and maybe that was a good thing, just not the kind of good thing I was looking for.... I was trying to increase good feelings to help with recovery.  Unfortunately, whatever this process is, right now, it doesn't include much in the way of good feelings, just lots of painful and uncomfortable stuff which is insistent on coming up (to be healed?) no matter what I do.

 

When I read current articles about our ability to change our reality by changing our thoughts, it completely freaks me out.  I realize that by only experiencing negative emotions and thoughts at the moment, I'm entrenching myself (my brain) in that particular reality, and yet, no matter what I do, all this stuff keeps getting triggered.  When I try and distract myself or avoid it, I feel worse, it becomes physical and the akathisia starts up again.

 

So I'm left with one conclusion, regardless of if this negative state is directly caused by withdrawal or if this is some kind of evolutionary healing process triggered by drug withdrawal, I have no choice but to allow myself to feel all these dark feelings.... and hope that when they have all been felt and released, I will have a kind of clean slate for a foundation on which I can build a more positive feeling life.

 

When I can anchor myself in the present moment and stop comparing my life to that of other people or the way it was 'before', I actually feel a deep sense of peace and contentment.  Even when I'm overwhelmed with sadness, if I can completely be in that space and not compare it to a time when I wasn't feeling such loss or to other people who are 'having a great time', then there is even a deep sense of peace in the sadness.  If I can stop myself from projecting this sadness into an eternal future, then I can prevent fear from engulfing me.  But that is also difficult, this has been going on so long, with very little control, its hard to let go of the illusion of control and trust that 'life' knows what its doing, up until quite recently, I believed that 'I' knew what I was doing, turns out, I didn't know much at all.

 

I used to cry a lot.  As a child, when I became overwhelmed with emotion, my natural reaction was to cry.... for help I suppose, which of course I never got.  In fact, I got the opposite, I was generally punished for crying, and so I learned to stuff down the feelings.  But I remember that I would often cry loudly and rebelliously for quite a while as a kind of protest, I think I knew on some level that something was very wrong.  So when I was older, and allowed to cry, I did a lot of it. I journalled and cried my way through my 20's and some of my 30's.  It was always a huge physical release and perhaps protected me in some ways from getting more physical illness.

 

But now, I seem to be feeling pure, deep emotion, without crying.  Its not that I can't cry at all.  Sometimes there will be a few silent tears which form, and when my daughter left for Japan, I cried a little, but now, its like deep, strong emotions are doing something different from what they used to.  Crying used to be triggered by thought, I would be thinking sad and distressing thoughts about myself and my life, I would be feeling helpless and sorry for myself and the crying was like a cry for help, an echo from the past.  No help came in my adult life either, but I learned to soothe my own tears and endure more of the the painful feelings, not perfectly, I still had my various addictions for when it became too much.

 

Then the drugs came along and messed it all up.  Now there is nothing. No addictions, no drugs, no crying, just pure, physical emotion, as much as possible, uncontaminated with thought.  There has been a lot of it, at first it was mostly fear/dread/horror.  Now its grief/sadness/loss.  The fear comes now mostly as a secondary reaction when the thoughts related to time past/future emerge.  So something is changing.... I'm hoping this is a good sign.

 

Yesterday, while I was out, surrounded by nature and lovely scenery I was nothing but a walking body full of sadness.  For a moment I stopped and tried to figure out what I was so sad about.  It came to me instantly.  I was having to let go of all my illusions about what life actually was and face the reality of what life really is.  I was having to let go of my childish innocence and wishful dreams based on mysteries I would one day discover.  This is it, right here, right now, its never going to get any better than this.  I could see that this is what I've been running from my whole life.... the uncomfortable present moment. The more uncomfortable the moment, the more extreme and potentially harmful were my attempts at avoiding it.  It was one of those bitter sweet moments.  There was a kind of inner strength I felt from being able to hold that realization and there was fear and sadness because I knew I was never going to be able to go back to a previous stage of denial.

 

Then I started thinking about the rest of humanity, how many other people spend much of their lives doing various things in an attempt to avoid feeling whatever it is they are feeling.  Sadly, its what our culture runs on..... and I can't do it any more, I suddenly felt even more alone and isolated.

 

But today I'm realizing that its not so bad.  One day, when I'm through the other side of this process, I'm going to be able to rejoin the world, but from a different place, not because I'm running away from something, but because I'm walking towards something by choice.

 

No wonder my recent attempts at 'improving my life' haven't been working, I was still stuck in the old paradigm.  Trying to change the current reality, avoid feeling what I was feeling.... doing, going, getting, rather than being with what is, right now.

 

I hate facebook too...... everyone seems to be doing something (wonderful), going somewhere (exciting) or getting something (new), its like a platform where people can turn themselves into a character, and invent a story for their life and put it all on display for other people, rather than be who they really are.   Its like society, only more constructed and fake. I'm sure there are people who do things or go places just so they can put it on facebook.

 

Thank you Barb, for writing and kind of giving me permission to express my negative side.  I think you have helped me to get something moving again.  Perhaps I might start putting a small warning at the beginning of my posts if they end up being very negative and potentially disturbing.

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

Thank you for sharing honestly how you're feeling. I think it benefits everyone to share both the positive and negative. We don't need another Facebook with everyone posting their accomplishments and good times while others compare their own lives.

 

 

You write so beautifully that even in your deep place of pain, it touches so many. Please don't ever hold back your dark emotions thinking that you're spreading negativity. I suspect I'm not the only one who relates to your continued pain. It's easy to see people come on forum, taper, and assume they're moving on with their lives.

 

I've been crying a lot in recent weeks....my writing is very simple, but I hope the meaning and appreciation of you comes through. You are not alone in your painful journey. I wish I could take away both of our fears and pain.

 

B

 

First of all, dear Barb, you beautifully expressed exactly what were my thoughts after reading Petu's post. I so like this comparison between us here and on the facebook.

 

I have actually nothing add to what you wrote: I agree with every word.

 

Dear Petu, I think I've read all your posts. When I first started reading them it felt like reading a novel that I couldn't put down. You write so amazingly that I always feel like reading a novel: the feelings are so masterly captured and conveyed, there are even external scenes, other people... I can picture everything so vividly.

 

But I have NEVER felt disturbed with anything you wrote. On the contrary, as Barb says, I felt like I have finally come across a very rare gem of a person being real. I think that by the process of writing (which is in itself very therapeutic) you actually harness your fear, make sense you otherwise struggle to see and simply prove wrong the idea that you are wasting your life, not doing anything, not achieving anything: you've created a piece of art, and that's an achievement, that's putting life to a good use, for some people in some other time perhaps, even better use than cruising the malls or other pictures of life people put on the facebok.

 

(I don't care if I'm exaggerating and I think I'm not: I studied literature and I know good literature when I see one I would never have thought it is possible to describe one's own inner scenery with as little as possible of external distractors and still remain so interesting and involving of the reader. It's prose that runs like a crystal clear brook. All abstract points are rendered in such a way that they are crystal clear, refreshing, real and present.

 

Both posts which you almost didn't send fearing their negativity helped me immensely. They unblocked me and inspired me They gave me hope. Life is never so absolutely bad but most of the time it's not what we expect(ed) it to be. And these failed expectations actually cause a great deal of our misery.

 

I have big problems with positive thinking and even CBT. They feel like forcing me to change and contradict reality, tell lies about it and ultimately run away from here and now. I think it's sometimes good to practice them but I find the idea of giving in and allowing ourselves to fully experience our dark and "negative" emotions very liberating and healthy. It's actually very logical: if we let them run us over, engulf us, submerge us and experience them completely despite the anguish they are causing, they will just run their course sooner. (If I'm not mistaken, you were writing about the same thing

 

I was coming home from work yesterday to my flat in beautiful spring nature, to the flat I can't really afford. I often think about going somewhere else to earn more money. But then I was thinking very banal thoughts: money isn't everything. Coming home poor to see the green shrubs against blue skies doesn't really have a price. My sentiment was on a much lesser scale than the suffering you are accepting but what you wrote reminded me of my inner dialogue at the time: there was fear that I'm not ambitious enough, that I'm falling behind in life (like when you talk about childhood dreams - I'm not living them out). But this is real life: me on the stairs, looking at the beautiful vista with uncertain future, struggling badly to pay bills, emotions all over the show, too broken to take part in the rat race. This is me feeling exhausted and depleted, no energy for upward mobility and advancing my life. Not being able to afford myself a car. I was actually worried by not being bothered by that lack of ambition, by this acceptance of poor me on the stairs amidst new leaves and grass. I accepted that I am so exhausted with drugs, tapering or whatever that I don't even have the energy to look happy. 

 

Now I began sounding like facebook, I'm afraid But I do feel rotten. And then again I don't. I don't care but not in a painful anhedonic way. I will stop here not to further hijack Petu's post. But mostly because I again feel sooo tired and sleepy. Taken a few days off to nurse my UTI.

 

And thank you so much Barb and Petu for giving me this gift of inspiration  

 

(While looking for a book to buy for my friend, I came across one which I had to buy immediately risking bankruptcy. But it was worth it  

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking, written by a guy called Oliver Burkeman, a British journalist with that delightful British sense of humour. I call it my licence to feeling as bad as I want without feeling guilty about it can't unbold this, sorry

[WinningThrough]

Hello Petu

 

I've started reading your thread. I haven't read all of it yet but I've read quite a bit of it.

 

First of all, I am so, so sorry to hear of everything you have been through. I am sending you a virtual hug.

 

I can SO relate to your posts. So much of what you've written could have been me. So many things you've felt, I have felt. So many things you describe are like me. For example, not being able to watch tv. I used to love films and tv in a big way. Now, I have comedies on in the background but I can't properly watch them, just glance up at the tv sometimes when they are on.

 

The physical symptoms..identical.

 

Creativity .. That's another biggie. Just before all this happened, I was writing a novel and I was so enjoying it. I'd mapped out the whole plot and was writing chapter summaries. I tried to do some writing a couple of months ago. It took me about an hour to write three sentences and editing them was nigh on impossible. I had numerous hobbies and now, I am not able to go near any of them. But that will come in time.

 

I understand how hard it can be to do something like go to the shop.

 

Your posts make us feel less alone. Wouldn't it be great if we all had somewhere we could be together while we recovered? We would all understand each other and what we were going through.

 

Reading your posts made me realise that we are all like small children, learning things for the first time. It takes time for a child to learn to walk and talk. It's a bit like that for all of us, isn't it?

 

I'm also struck by how strong we all are. We must be incredibly strong to cope with all this. It's so easy to beat ourselves up but it's not our fault. If we had flu, we would just wait it out until it got better. If we had a broken leg, we wouldn't be able to run. We are where we are. In time things will get easier.

 

My thoughts go out to you and to everyone on this website. One day there will be a long list of success stories on here. I'm visualising it now.

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

Hey Petu, just adding another voice to the No please don't censor yourself when you're feeling bad! Like Barb said so well: we don't need another Facebook here, where everyone's shiny happy faces and wonderful lives (which is BS anyway). 

 

When you share your struggles, it helps the rest of us who are struggling too, it doesn't harm us. It's good to know you're not the only one going through this difficult journey. 

 

I can totally relate to the grief/loss/sadness. I've walked through a lot of that. In fact there's a thing that happens in withdrawal that we used to talk about some, a sort of evil nostalgia I call it, a preoccupation with the past but feeling like it's all pointless and hopeless and all we can think about is the pain and grief. It's something many, many people have described.

 

Not at all unusual to be overwhelmed with those kinds of feelings. I get them all the time especially when I'm going through a bout of withdrawal symptoms after a cut, or when I've been sick or under stress, or have been doing a little too much and haven't had enough down time, or when I've been alone too much.

 

It seems to have eased up a lot from how bad it was in early withdrawal though.

 

Anyway, Petu, please write whenever you feel like it. I love your writing and your eloquence and you've never said anything that contributed to me feeling bad in any way--quite the contrary.

[Rhiannon]

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/?p=2231

[Nikki]

"So I'm left with one conclusion, regardless of if this negative state is directly caused by withdrawal or if this is some kind of evolutionary healing process triggered by drug withdrawal, I have no choice but to allow myself to feel all these dark feelings.... and hope that when they have all been felt and released, I will have a kind of clean slate for a foundation on which I can build a more positive feeling life."

 

That is so intuitive, brave and healthy.....Walking thru this takes guts, and you have guts.

 

When you write about how you are doing, it doesn't hurt anyone or bring me down in any way.  I am touched by your honesty.

And that type of honesty takes guts too.

 

Hugs and more hugs