☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu,

 

I'm sorry you are having such intense experiences.  You have a support team on here that are always behind you

 

take care

 

D

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

this seems like another brutal one. But you still managed to do so much. I so hope it leaves you soon. I know how such experiences batter hope as well so in such situations I cling on to what MammaP wrote here:

 

 

mammaP, on 28 Jun 2014 - 9:43 PM, said:

sometimes there seems to be no obvious reason for symptoms to change in withdrawal. 

Someone posted a video a few months ago about how the nervous system heals and I thought

it was really good. I'll see of I can find it.  Basically the nervous system heals one thing then moves

on to another, it is while it is healing that we get the weird symptoms. I saw a documentary once 

about the 'flu virus and how it progresses. It was interesting because it taught us that the awful

symptoms are actually good because it is the body's immune system doing it's job of fighting

the infection.  

 

 

Hang in there and let us know how everything goes.

 

Big hug!

[alex]

Oh dear Petu, I am so sorry we all have to go through this hell.

But let me tell you that it always amaze me the coherence and clarity of your writing, even in the worst wave...your a strong, reslilient human being Petu.

 

I am doing better;I had some sleep last night.

 

Hang in there.

 

Big hug, A.

[EternalOptimist]

Dear Petu:

My heart goes out to you. I identified with some of your share. I'm so so so sorry you have to go through this right now. You seem so strong, wise and such a trooper. Might u try this to calm the fight or flight response?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gWCz4jyN2iU. May seem weird or silly but I'm told that if you do it every day over time it builds and supposed to help. Maybe you already know about it. Don't have to do much of it just once a day and can even tap less. A friend told me not to do it at night. If a cyber hug helps, here you go.

(((((((((((((Petu)))))))))

[Petunia]

Its so nice to feel the love and support from you all, thank you.

 

Bubble, thank you for quoting MammaP, I also cling to this idea and remind myself that the patterns are evidence of healing.  I think this is the video she was referring to:

 

Healing from Antidepressants: Patterns of Recovery

 

EO, I've tried regular tapping, like in EFT, but I haven't seen this kind with the bridge.  Thank you.

 

Short update, seeing as I'm here:  I managed to go out yesterday and do some grocery shopping, yesterday afternoon and evening was actually much better.  But today has been difficult again, this wave has lifted slightly, but I'm still in it.  Its different from previous waves because I've been hit with some physical symptoms at the same time, gastric upset, upper and lower back pain, chest pain/tightness.

 

There was more I wanted to write, but the cog fog is back and I can't remember what it was.  I know it was something about sleeping and dreams.  Anyway, if I remember, I will add it.

 

I'm struggling to do anything, I've got that disconnect between idea/impulse and then making it happen.  I've had this before and it went away....anyway, brain just not working so I'm gonna stop.

 

 

[trouper]

thank you for posting that, petu.

i'm glad you are starting to feel a little better. i consider my windows when my mental symptoms subside and i can think clearly, but i usually will still have something physical going on.. I'm not sure I've had a day that I've had neither.. but what i like to think is happening is my brain is constantly trying to heal one thing or another and isn't taking breaks. i hope once this big one passes that you will have a really nice window.

i just had a window bit it was short lived.

 

this too shall pass, petu.

[Addax]

Oh Petu, I hope this wave resolves soon! They are such terrible things and that they can be so unpredictable and affect both the mind and body can be so disheartening and scary, even when you know it's part of the healing process.

 

The fact that the wave has lifted slightly is good, and I bet means you're on your way out of it! It sounds like you really want to push yourself to get things done, which is good and you always seem to be able to do it in one way or another... but also remember to rest and nurture yourself while in these waves. Sometimes not doing anything is doing a lot for us.

[EternalOptimist]

Appreciate the vide link u posted yesterday on Patterns of Recovery.

[alex]

I think this "ToxicAntidepressants" site was made by "luc" a member and colaborator from another AD forum called "International Antidepressant Withdrawal Project".

I used to be a member until it was closed down.

It was a shame becaude it was very good.

[Petunia]

Thanks to everyone for your recent support.  Yes Alex, I believe you are right.  Do you know how luc is doing now?

 

I'm still struggling through this current wave.  Although, I'm not sure what's going on really.  Whatever is going on now is different from anything I've experienced before and its very frightening.  I'm finding myself sinking to depths of depression I've never known before, they hit suddenly and I start doubting my ability to go on.  I seem to be fast cycling through various states.  I woke up this morning with extreme akathisia and was confused, not realizing what was happening.  I was in a panic, trying to remember what to do.  I ended up in the kitchen, frantically cleaning, not knowing why I was doing it.  My thoughts were trying to give me reasons.  Then I was plunged into a sudden depressed state and noticed that I was getting no satisfaction from my cleaning efforts.  Its only in hindsight that I can see I was having akathisia, at the time I didn't realize.

 

Yesterday, or maybe it was the day before, I can't remember, but I was in the same state.  In an attempt to do something to get relief, I drove to a local popular walking spot and started walking.  The DP/DR amped up and I wished that I had stayed home, but I walked around for about half an hour anyway.  It was a relief to get back home.

 

I've been trying to get out to buy another car, so when my daughter gets back (tomorrow), she wont have to use mine, but I can't seem to do it.  Every night for the past week I have told myself that 'tomorrow' I will feel better and be able to do it.  But I can't.  I've bought lots of cars through my life, bought them and sold them, privately and through dealers.  But now I can't get myself to even go to a car yard and look.  I don't know why.  I seem to be getting worse.

 

I'm really starting to get scared that my brain is incapable of fixing itself.  I'm stuck in this loop of fear, stress, trauma and avoidance.  When I push myself to do something, which isn't often, it usually gives me a kind of negative reinforcement not to do it again, because it either increases a symptom, or doesn't bring any kind of pleasure/satisfaction, and so that scares and depresses me.

 

I've been waking up earlier again, around 4:30am.  This morning I managed to go back to sleep for about half an hour, but then my mind was filled with frantic, weird thoughts and ideas, they wouldn't stop.  I was desperately trying to do my breathing and mantras, but I kept losing focus and was flooded with the frightening thoughts again.  Half of them aren't really even frightening, just thoughts about possible future events or memories from the past, but they seem to have an excruciating effect on me. 

 

Tuesday wasn't quite so bad and I thought I was coming out of it. But yesterday was bad again and I got no relief all day.  Up until recently I usually get some peace during the evening hours, but last night I was in an awful state, trying to cook some vegetables so that I had something healthy to eat.  My appetite has gone again, just like at the beginning of this.

 

I was hoping that I would be somewhat better when my daughter came home from 4 months away.  I had told myself that I would be going to the gym regularly and would be more active and engaged in some kind of life again, but if anything, I'm worse.  Well, for a while I had started to 'feel' better, not that I had any more energy to do things, but I think the predictability of life and decreased levels of stress may have helped.  But now....... well, I'm feeling completely hopeless again.

 

I can't fix this. 

 

My mum was over yesterday, she didn't stay long, she brought me some car brochures, she has been trying to help me buy a car.  She doesn't understand my problem, I don't understand either, but I tried to explain anyway.  My brain just wont work properly to do all the things needed when you go and buy a car.  The thinking, the social aspect of communicating with the dealer, the decision process, the paperwork, the getting used to a different car.... and all this with increased symptoms and no pleasure or satisfaction at all.  I can't believe how my life has deteriorated into this and there is nothing I can do apart from wait.

 

The worst part was that yesterday, after I had tried to explain to my mum (again), what was going on, she suggested I try going to the doctor and try going back on something.  She said I could just go and see what he had to say and see what he had to offer.  I know she is just scared and helpless, like me and still believes, on some level, that medicine has the answers.  I reminded her about my two attempts at reinstatement (again).  I was listening to myself say the same things I have said over and over, inside I felt like I was dying from feeling so alone and isolated and not being understood or believed, by the one person who has really been sticking with me through this. 

 

I keep searching for the lesson in this, hanging onto threads of belief that somehow this is going to turn around and make me a better person in some way.  But my neighbor across the street is out there again bashing away on his latest old car, his horrible music at high volume with its bass vibrating through my whole body and I'm doing my best to keep my homicidal urges in check, not that I would ever act on them, but I've never been like this before.  I'm a patient, tolerant person, this is the worst me I've ever known, so how can this be making me a better person?

 

I'm sorry for ranting like this, I didn't intend to, was just going to write a very short update.

 

I just remembered something from the beginning of "The Power of Now", Eckhart writes about having the thought that he can't live with himself any longer.  But then having the sudden realization that there must be 2 of him, if he can't live with himself.   I'm sort of at that place, there is one of me that experiences these ongoing, awful symptoms and feelings, then there is another me who watches, sometimes with a hint of curiosity.  But I have this process labeled as depersonalization rather than anything mystical.  I want to escape from the me which is in pain because I'm not certain I'm strong enough to withstand it, and that scares me.  This calm, observing me often gets overwhelmed by the tortured me and gets lost.  This is starting to sound like the proverbial battle between good and evil

 

I keep thinking that I want my life back, that I want to go back, as if there is some point in my life where I made the one, fatal mistake, but I can't find that point.  Even if it were possible to go back, there is nothing of my old life left to go back to, when I look behind me, I see nothing but empty space, like as if the ground has fallen away as I've been walking forward.  I see nothing ahead either.  There is just me, perched on this tiny little spot of now, in pain, scared and alone, without a clue what to do from moment to moment to keep hanging onto my sanity.

 

Yesterday, I was wondering if I would have eventually got to this place anyway, even if I never started on Zoloft all those years ago.  In spite of all my dxs, I've never honestly believed I was mentally ill.  I've believed that my brain chemistry may be a little different at times from the 'average', but I've never considered myself to be ill.... just different in some ways and not necessarily bad ways.  For most of my life, I kind of liked being me, even though it has been difficult at times.  But not now, I'm like Eckhart at the beginning of his book, not wanting to live with/as himself.

 

It seems that from that point, Eckhart got it all figured out pretty quickly and spent a couple of years on a park bench in his spare time, of which there was a lot, he made it sound easy.  But then maybe, in his case, there weren't drugs involved.  No long term damage and disruption to normal brain processes so that his evolution to a 'higher' state of awareness flowed smoothly along a natural path.  I'm just rambling and speculating because as soon as I stop, I'm going to be back down in the pit, fighting with myself for the survival of one of us.

 

I know I have to stop fighting, my shadow side needs to come up into the light to be seen and integrated.  Its not going back down, not now.  I think the only thing which would get this monster back in its closet would be a great big dose of poly-pharmacy, which is what got me into this mess to start with and now, in my sensitized state, I'm sure that would literally kill me, so there would be no point.  Would just have to come back and go through it all over again, in one way or another, not sure how, but that's my sense of how these things work.  I don't want to have to go through this again, I'm exhausted already.

 

I wonder if neuro-emotions are bits of our shadow, breaking off and escaping from our unconscious.  (They are not real, they are not who we really are)  Which is why we have a shadow side, so we can deny the unpleasant or unwanted aspects of ourselves.

 

I guess I'm going to go back to the hard place, sit down on the rock and wait and see what happens next.

 

(Getting all this out seems to have helped a bit)

 

 

[Addax]

Petu, I wish I had the words to ease your struggle and reassure you. Your daughters return may very well be what draws you out from this wave. Hugs, especially long ones, encourage the release of oxytocin and feelings of calm and content with, so hug her long and hard!

 

I hope this wave passes quickly.

[mammaP]

Sending you hugs Petu,   I hope that your daughter brings lots of 

love and hugs back with her, it has been 4 long months for you and you deserve

some love and affection. Maybe she will help you to find the car you need, just having

someone beside you will make a difference. 

[mlrp]

Hi, Petu,

 

Here's a hug from me. You were so helpful to me when I first joined SA, and you continue to help with your writing, your courage, and your candor. I can only say that I understand everything you have been going through. Some of what you wrote about your most recent/current wave could have been written by me.

 

What floors me is how similar are everyone's struggles here. Even with the caveat of there being variables and variations to the individual withdrawal experience, it doesn't seem to really matter all that much what drug, how many drugs, how long/short the taper, there are so many commonalties to the struggles and the suffering.

 

I hate that I belong here. But thanks to SA, we are none of us truly alone. Healing, peaceful thoughts your way, Petu.

[alex]

SURVIVAL MODE my dear Petu...I have been there, and now is better.

Last month was really tough, but now I am feeling better, no more terror days.

You are doing the right things.

TIME, we have to give it TIME.

 

Hugs,A.

[Rhiannon]

Thinking of you, dear Petu. I have nothing to give you but my heartfelt gratitude that you exist and that you found us here.

[mattinsmom]

I hope that the misery leaves but am so proud to read that you are experiencing it. You are not running away. You are not denying it, minimizing it, hiding it. To feel it and the uncertainty of it is so very brave. Keep breathing. Keep moving. It is all coming together even if you can't step back enough to see it right now. 

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Petu . . I responded to you in my thread, thank you, I wanted to pop over and see how you're doing over here. So sorry to read how much you have been struggling a late. Like others have said I Admire your candor and your bravery.

Took four years off Xanax When I started to feel a Positive shift, by nine years off I was doing real well but still not healed. I don't know how AD's work but after being on here awhile I see it's not too dissimilar.

I've not read throughout all your posts so I don't know if you discussed neuroplasticity. I really like working with my thoughts, telling myself that my brain is stuck in a rut and sending my mind and body false messages, Not to trust my thoughts or believe them necessarily, Watch them go by because they'll be replaced by others tho I find it difficult to meditate.

You sited Eckardt here, and I think he's done fabulous work. Like you said he doesn't have any damage from drug use, Still we can learn and apply where it fits.

keep on keeping on.

Best

EO

[Petunia]

WARNING:  This may be quite negative and possibly triggering for anyone already struggling.

 

Thank you to everyone who posted here recently and I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately.  I've been reading and keeping up with most threads, as much as I'm able to.  I'm still not doing well and I think its only partly related to withdrawal issues.

 

I was thinking about why it is that some people have more trouble than others with reaching out for help and with admitting to having difficult feelings.   When I find myself in trouble and obviously needing help, I tend to do the exact opposite of what I need to do.  I seem to freeze, withdraw, stop communicating and become filled with feelings of shame, helplessness and vulnerability.  Something has caused me to react this way and I'm fairly certain its my early childhood experiences.

 

Yesterday afternoon I saw a good example of the kind of parenting I was raised with.  Its not easy to see clearly when you are on the receiving end of hurtful or abusive behaviour, because the strength of the emotions it triggers shuts down our ability to see and think clearly, but I saw how my mother reacted to my daughter expressing some painful emotions yesterday, she instantly invalidated what she was expressing and tried to replace it with some idealized, unrealistic nonsense based on nothing helpful.  I was able to do damage control and support my daughter in her experience and then we actually had a conversation about what had actually happened.  But no matter what me or my daughter said, my mother just didn't understand what we were talking about.

 

Neither of my parents will allow uncomfortable or negative feelings to be expressed.  My dad's method of stopping it has been shame and ridicule.  My mums method is denial and abandonment.  I remember that going to my mother for help would often bring irritation, invalidation and then she would have this way of making me feel selfish for needing help by telling me I should be helping her with everything she had to do.  I don't think it was always like this, but enough that I quickly learned to keep my feelings and my needs to myself.

 

Yesterday afternoon, while we were talking about feelings and relationships and different ways of communicating, my mother was becoming increasingly ........ I guess uncomfortable would be the word, and then she suddenly decided she had to leave.  As I walked out with her to say goodbye, she told me that our conversation had made her exhausted and asked me if I was now feeling exhausted.  I had actually felt energized by being able to talk openly about something and have the support and understanding of my daughter there to validate my perspective.  But then, for the next few hours I was left with a disturbing feeling and thoughts about my parents, their life long patterns of communication and the impact being raised by them has had on me. 

 

I'm also  worried because something is changing between my parents, and its not looking good.  The old dysfunctional pattern which seems to have worked well for them for 60 or so years, is starting to break down. In the past, when there were problems, my father would take control and my mother would support whatever he decided, regardless of if she agreed or not.  But now, in their 80's, when they should be supporting each other, they seem to be turning on each other. Or rather, mum spends most of her time trying to escape from being with dad, and he is increasing his methods of trying to control her, which just makes her want to get away all the more.

 

Looking back on my life, I think in a subconscious kind of way I've spent most of it trying to escape from the sticky, icky mess of my crippling dysfunctional family, but now, I'm right back in the thick of it, complete with withdrawal issues and not much support from any other source. 

 

In a weird way its like my life has conspired to lead me right back into what I've been trying to run away from my whole life.  I'm severely disabled at the moment from withdrawal, I couldn't run any more if I wanted to.  Its frightening to see reality so clearly.  Because of my withdrawal issues, I can't do anything to block out this clarity.  I can't get any relief through having a drink, going out and having fun, eating chocolate, playing games, watching TV, because everything now has paradoxical effects due to my sensitivity.

 

I can't help myself and I can't help anyone else.  I'm stuck like a bug on the head of a pin, pinned right in the middle of reality, watching a horror show play out all around me, helpless to do anything but watch and endure the experience.  I used to have some control, or it seemed like I did.  But not any more. 

 

My daughter has returned with a completely new perspective of her life here in Australia, she no longer wants to be here with her old friends who she now realizes, she has nothing in common with.  She has experienced a collectivist culture and felt much better being part of that, rather than our individualistic competitive separation based western culture.  I agree with her, I've never felt particularly comfortable with our harsh, isolating, divisive system.  But for me, its probably got more to do with kind of family rather than the culture, even though they are a product of that culture.

 

I still haven't been able to buy another car because by the time I start to feel capable of leaving the house and doing something for the day, its often too late and I'm exhausted from dealing with another day of symptoms.

 

I thought that by allowing myself to write in a completely negative and hopeless way, and let it all out, I would feel some relief, but it hasn't worked like that.  If anything, I'm feeling worse.  By focusing on the frightening and sad thoughts, in order to write them, it seems to have magnified them even more.

 

Last night, once again, I didn't feel too bad.  I thought I would be ok today.  Every night its like that, I believe that the improvement is going to continue through to the next day.  But it never does, and every morning I'm once again shocked and in disbelief that I'm feeling so bad again.

 

If I knew how much longer I have to endure this groundhog day pattern, then perhaps it would be easier.  I think its Monday today.  I wish I believed in an external God, or some kind of external higher power.  I used to, but now I've even been abandoned by that.  When I reach out, there is no longer anything 'out there', I'm confronted by an empty silence and an undeniable knowing that its time for me to turn around and look inside myself for guidance, but so far, nothing is there.

 

So my basic experience of life at the moment, in between moments of distraction is nothing but separation and fear.  I am alone and scared.  If I go back to Eckhard's teachings, he would probably ask me, who is the I that is experiencing the separation and fear and that if there is something there, experiencing them, then what I am isn't what I'm experiencing.

 

I guess that's what I'm supposed to be turning inside to look for, the part which is unchanging, the pure awareness.  But I just want my old self back, the one that believed it had some control, the one that could put on a nice outfit, walk in the sun and be happy, sit and drink a coffee and have a nice conversation. 

 

   I'm not going to finish on a positive note.... and I'm not going to apologize for it either. I'm stuck down a miserable dark, frightening hole, I'm scared its going to get worse, I can't see any way out at the moment and I don't know how long I'm gonna be down here.  God has abandoned me, so I only have myself for comfort, but I was never taught how to comfort myself without looking outside, so.......

I guess I just gotta figure it out by myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu

 

I can really relate to this post, not so much current withdrawal experience but the family stuff.  I have been struggling with the relationship with my mother for years - we have nothing in common and I think she is developmentally delayed, she engages life like a 15 year old boy.   She had a difficult relationship with my father who was volatile.  She framed family dynamics as us vs him which as I got older meant me protecting her from him because she wouldnt stand up to him and I would (he wasn't violent but angry).  

 

It was only after he died that I realised how all persuasive that positioning was and how it was in fact a role reversal - usually it is the parent that protects the child.  She has since tried to do this with my brother, ringing up to complain to me about something he's done but not being prepared to engage it herself.   I refuse to step into this space now but some damage has already been done.

 

I am not responsible for managing family dynamics and I will no longer do so.  This is a weight off my shoulders but of course it now means I have to reconstruct what the family relationships are and mean.   Its a process.   In reality, I now engage very little with my mum or brother.  I find that sad, I feel guilty and it raises other issues about connection but it is more authentic for me.

 

I have had these struggles when withdrawal has been bad and it has made things worse, that is why I went to an arms length strategy.

 

Sounds like your daughter has been on a very important journey - all power to her

 

D

[areyouthere]

Apologizing for not finishing on a positive note is perfect, Petu. Things suck for you right now & you don't need anyone to validate how sucky you feel. You certainly wouldn't have gotten that validation from your Mom now would you? You're validating your own feelings for yourself because God knows… NO ONE ELSE HAS SINCE FOREVER!!!! Right?!! 

 

We have to nurture ourselves and we need to pour it on and soak it all in because we are WORTH it and always were!!!! We have a lot of "I am me and I'm damn perfect the way I am thank you very much" catching up time to do. First you have to start to feel better. 

 

That will take time I guess. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you there… I don't. Hopefully someone else will pipe up with some great suggestions.

 

Your story with your Mom just strikes my last nerve because it is so darn similar to my relationship with my Mom right now. Right down to her being in her 80s, and dysfunctional relationships catching up. Sucks to be us. 

 

For me I work the hardest on detaching. It is not easy but as I told my mother… she has created her own monster ( she is struggling with continued family dysfunction) and it's NOT mine so leave me out of it and leave me the hell alone.

 

She does. RU

[arwen]

Petu, you don't need to apologize for putting it all out here, negative or positive, it is your experience. It is not who you are, but it is what you are going through. 

 

It is important, I think, for you, for all of us reading. You are mindfully describing what is happening to you, you have a gift to express through writing, this helps. It is not even positive or negative, it is what it is.

[mattinsmom]

I tried to respond a minute ago. Must have hit wrong button. What I said was that my phone does not make it possible for me to really read in details. I do hear that you are not ok. I'll be back when I have my computer. Until then you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Fireball2014]

WARNING:  This may be quite negative and possibly triggering for anyone already struggling.

 

Thank you to everyone who posted here recently and I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately.  I've been reading and keeping up with most threads, as much as I'm able to.  I'm still not doing well and I think its only partly related to withdrawal issues.

 

I was thinking about why it is that some people have more trouble than others with reaching out for help and with admitting to having difficult feelings.   When I find myself in trouble and obviously needing help, I tend to do the exact opposite of what I need to do.  I seem to freeze, withdraw, stop communicating and become filled with feelings of shame, helplessness and vulnerability.  Something has caused me to react this way and I'm fairly certain its my early childhood experiences.

 

Yesterday afternoon I saw a good example of the kind of parenting I was raised with.  Its not easy to see clearly when you are on the receiving end of hurtful or abusive behaviour, because the strength of the emotions it triggers shuts down our ability to see and think clearly, but I saw how my mother reacted to my daughter expressing some painful emotions yesterday, she instantly invalidated what she was expressing and tried to replace it with some idealized, unrealistic nonsense based on nothing helpful.  I was able to do damage control and support my daughter in her experience and then we actually had a conversation about what had actually happened.  But no matter what me or my daughter said, my mother just didn't understand what we were talking about.

 

Neither of my parents will allow uncomfortable or negative feelings to be expressed.  My dad's method of stopping it has been shame and ridicule.  My mums method is denial and abandonment.  I remember that going to my mother for help would often bring irritation, invalidation and then she would have this way of making me feel selfish for needing help by telling me I should be helping her with everything she had to do.  I don't think it was always like this, but enough that I quickly learned to keep my feelings and my needs to myself.

 

Yesterday afternoon, while we were talking about feelings and relationships and different ways of communicating, my mother was becoming increasingly ........ I guess uncomfortable would be the word, and then she suddenly decided she had to leave.  As I walked out with her to say goodbye, she told me that our conversation had made her exhausted and asked me if I was now feeling exhausted.  I had actually felt energized by being able to talk openly about something and have the support and understanding of my daughter there to validate my perspective.  But then, for the next few hours I was left with a disturbing feeling and thoughts about my parents, their life long patterns of communication and the impact being raised by them has had on me. 

 

I'm also  worried because something is changing between my parents, and its not looking good.  The old dysfunctional pattern which seems to have worked well for them for 60 or so years, is starting to break down. In the past, when there were problems, my father would take control and my mother would support whatever he decided, regardless of if she agreed or not.  But now, in their 80's, when they should be supporting each other, they seem to be turning on each other. Or rather, mum spends most of her time trying to escape from being with dad, and he is increasing his methods of trying to control her, which just makes her want to get away all the more.

 

Looking back on my life, I think in a subconscious kind of way I've spent most of it trying to escape from the sticky, icky mess of my crippling dysfunctional family, but now, I'm right back in the thick of it, complete with withdrawal issues and not much support from any other source. 

 

In a weird way its like my life has conspired to lead me right back into what I've been trying to run away from my whole life.  I'm severely disabled at the moment from withdrawal, I couldn't run any more if I wanted to.  Its frightening to see reality so clearly.  Because of my withdrawal issues, I can't do anything to block out this clarity.  I can't get any relief through having a drink, going out and having fun, eating chocolate, playing games, watching TV, because everything now has paradoxical effects due to my sensitivity.

 

I can't help myself and I can't help anyone else.  I'm stuck like a bug on the head of a pin, pinned right in the middle of reality, watching a horror show play out all around me, helpless to do anything but watch and endure the experience.  I used to have some control, or it seemed like I did.  But not any more. 

 

My daughter has returned with a completely new perspective of her life here in Australia, she no longer wants to be here with her old friends who she now realizes, she has nothing in common with.  She has experienced a collectivist culture and felt much better being part of that, rather than our individualistic competitive separation based western culture.  I agree with her, I've never felt particularly comfortable with our harsh, isolating, divisive system.  But for me, its probably got more to do with kind of family rather than the culture, even though they are a product of that culture.

 

I still haven't been able to buy another car because by the time I start to feel capable of leaving the house and doing something for the day, its often too late and I'm exhausted from dealing with another day of symptoms.

 

I thought that by allowing myself to write in a completely negative and hopeless way, and let it all out, I would feel some relief, but it hasn't worked like that.  If anything, I'm feeling worse.  By focusing on the frightening and sad thoughts, in order to write them, it seems to have magnified them even more.

 

Last night, once again, I didn't feel too bad.  I thought I would be ok today.  Every night its like that, I believe that the improvement is going to continue through to the next day.  But it never does, and every morning I'm once again shocked and in disbelief that I'm feeling so bad again.

 

If I knew how much longer I have to endure this groundhog day pattern, then perhaps it would be easier.  I think its Monday today.  I wish I believed in an external God, or some kind of external higher power.  I used to, but now I've even been abandoned by that.  When I reach out, there is no longer anything 'out there', I'm confronted by an empty silence and an undeniable knowing that its time for me to turn around and look inside myself for guidance, but so far, nothing is there.

 

So my basic experience of life at the moment, in between moments of distraction is nothing but separation and fear.  I am alone and scared.  If I go back to Eckhard's teachings, he would probably ask me, who is the I that is experiencing the separation and fear and that if there is something there, experiencing them, then what I am isn't what I'm experiencing.

 

I guess that's what I'm supposed to be turning inside to look for, the part which is unchanging, the pure awareness.  But I just want my old self back, the one that believed it had some control, the one that could put on a nice outfit, walk in the sun and be happy, sit and drink a coffee and have a nice conversation. 

 

   I'm not going to finish on a positive note.... and I'm not going to apologize for it either. I'm stuck down a miserable dark, frightening hole, I'm scared its going to get worse, I can't see any way out at the moment and I don't know how long I'm gonna be down here.  God has abandoned me, so I only have myself for comfort, but I was never taught how to comfort myself without looking outside, so.......

I guess I just gotta figure it out by myself

I HEAR YOU & COULD BE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE NOW, TOO...

[mattinsmom]

I want to say brilliant things and point you in directions that will take away all your yuck but I can't. What I can do is tell you that you have been heard. Your story has been witnessed. I hear that you feel like s***. I am sorry that you are hurting. I understand that you are on a journey into yourself, please know that you may have to learn these lessons for yourself, but you don't have to learn them alone. 

[mlrp]

Dear Petu - I wrote a big, fat post, hoping to encourage and commiserate, got fat fingers and lost the whole thing. Will try again tomorrow but, for now, add me to those who are here for you, appreciate you very, very much, and wish they could ease your burden.

[alex]

Dear Petu, just to let you know that I am here for you.

To tell you that it WILL GET BETTER.

Early w/d;remember....?

I am doing better, but facing a terrible money situation that doesn't help at all with w/d.

"KEEP ON WALKING,JUST KEEP ON WALKING"

 

Hugs,A.

[Petunia]

Please forgive me if I don't individually acknowledge the wonderful supportive posts you guys leave for me.  I appreciate it so much, but I'm having such a hard time getting my brain to function normally.  Everything takes so much energy now. But I want to be able to continue writing and documenting what's going on. 

 

Amy, please don't think you need to write anything brilliant, it feels life saving that you seem to understand that perhaps there is more going on for me than only withdrawal.  A former member here 'healing,' once sent me some some links to articles which compared antidepressant withdrawal to other cultural/spiritual perspectives, and I found that having a more positive context to look at what I was going through, gave it meaning and me strength.

 

I'm feeling isolated inside my own experience, its like nothing from the outside is able to penetrate and touch me in a positive comforting way. I understand cognitively, but not experientially.  The pleasure, reward and comfort centers of my brain are not working.  I'm scared that they have completely died, but I suspect that its just a temporary thing.  I still have a little faith left that my body knows what its doing, even though its struggling.  For my own survival, I need these brain parts to to function to some extent.  I was watching a neuro-science based video the other day and they did an experiment on mice or rats or something, where the pleasure/reward part of their brain was disabled.  I can't remember how they did it.  But anyway, these creatures just stopped eating and starved to death. I'm getting no pleasure or satisfaction from food and haven't for over 2 years now, but I still eat.  Why?  I get hunger pains, start to feel light headed and understand that its because I need to eat, so I do.  Its so difficult to keep this up without the proper reinforcing chemical rewards that we are supposed to have.  I get scared when I realize that the natural life sustaining systems of my brain and nervous system are not working properly and that I have to consciously take responsibility for behaviors which used to happen spontaneously, if I want my life to continue functioning in a positive way.  This must be difficult for other people to understand.  Unless you have had the experience of losing your pleasure/reward/bonding/comfort.....etc brain functions, its difficult to imagine what its like, or to even believe its possible.  During my more extreme moments I wonder if perhaps humans are like some kind of alien experiment and our planet is a giant petri dish. We are like bacteria which have had various drugs added and now we are being monitored to find out how it effects the ongoing evolution of the colony.  If that was a sci-fi movie, I would watch it.

 

Yesterday was a really bad day for me, one of the worst in a long time.  I think I may have written that several times lately, but yesterday was difficult and it lasted all day.  Along with dealing with a day of increased symptoms, it brings a new wave of secondary panic that perhaps I'm going to be one of the rare cases that doesn't seem to improve or that even worse, I have a terrible, incurable mental disease which is only going to get worse without 'treatment', but treatment which for me, will just make me worse, so I'm doomed......and I spiral down even further into hopelessness, which I see, but can't seem to drag myself out of, which brings further shame. 

 

So what 'saved' me yesterday?  My desperation took me to searching for 'inspirational videos'.  I was very nervous because I didn't want to expose myself to anything about making huge sums of money, achieving excellence in life or achieving amazing goals.  I needed examples of survival against difficult challenges.  I found a few and one even made tears flow, one from each eye. I've been unable to cry for such a long time, whenever it happens briefly, which it has a few times somewhat lately, its a weird experience.  Its a shock, to feel a sudden surge of intense emotion like that, and its like I have to get accustomed to it all over again, as if its a new experience for me. 

 

After watching the videos, I realized that there is something particularly cruel about what we here experience. We are in the unique position of experiencing all the pain, suffering and misery of people  in other unfortunate situations and circumstances, but the cause of our suffering is invisible and also widely unrecognized as even being real.  This isn't new news to me, but looking for some help via youtube reminded me.

 

This morning I woke up to a head full of racing thoughts. Last night I had decided that I couldn't take another morning of it and had found my bottle of taurine and put it by my bed.  I had stopped taking them a couple of months ago because I didn't think I needed them any more.  But over the last several weeks the racing thoughts have returned with a vengeance, and I can't control them any longer with breathing and meditation, they have become too strong.  So this morning, as soon as I woke up for the first time, I took a 500mg taurine, thankfully it worked the same way as before, taking the level of racing thoughts down by about 75%.  It disturbs me that I have to take 'anything', even a supplement, but I was reaching my limit of what I can endure.

 

It feels like I'm living in two separate worlds, or realities at the same time.  No, it doesn't 'feel' like it, what I mean is that's what my experience of life most resembles at the moment.  I'm not sure how I'm hanging onto my sanity because this is the most frightening and destabilizing thing I've ever experienced, without resorting to some kind of substance to suppress it. (apart from the taurine)

 

I managed to take a shower a little while ago, and I was standing there trying to put into words what it felt like, because I have actually experienced something similar before, years ago after an intense meditation experience, but at that time it was a mix of pleasant and unpleasant. The only words I know of which come close to defining the state of having intensely altered perceptions of reality are psychosis and possibly mania, which is unfortunate, because they imply sickness or that something is 'wrong', and I don't think that's always true.

 

I've been through something like this 3 times before, the last time was about 6 years ago.  I was still on Lexapro, and was under a lot of stress due to several issues, including losing our home and having to move, but not being able to find anywhere. I can't remember how it started, but I slowly seemed to be sensing more than normal, picking up energies from other people and things around me, but it wasn't frightening.  I was also sensing subtle energies all around me when I was alone and feeling guided and supported, like as if I had a team of invisible 'helpers' around me. But they weren't only helping me, I had the impression that they had their own agenda too.  I was trying to cooperate in exchange for getting some support. I'm not saying this is what was happening, or that I even believed it, I was sensing things which I didn't understand, I was having experiences which didn't make sense to me and this must have been the way I was conceptualizing what was happening in order to hold onto my sanity.   I wasn't hallucinating or hearing voices, this wasn't even my own thoughts, there were no actual thoughts, I just knew things I hadn't known before. It felt like a lot of energy was moving through me all the time.  It was exhausting and I wasn't getting much sleep, but I was functioning, and getting things accomplished and no one around me knew anything was different.  I remember watching the movie Avatar and I was seeing the most incredible deep meanings behind the surface level plot. The strangest moment was one evening I came out into the kitchen to get something to drink and I could hear my daughter in her room listening to some music, she was listening to what was a popular song at the time, but I heard it playing backwards.  Instantly I got ideas about demons and possession came into my mind, and I had to fight the urge to go racing into her room thinking something awful was going on.  I took some slow, deep breaths and told myself that it was just my own weird perceptions playing up.   I think that if I had seen a doctor during that time, and explained what was going on,  I probably would have got a bipolar diagnosis, thankfully I managed to keep it all to myself.  I settled down again after a few weeks and went back to 'normal'.

 

Now, something similar is happening and has been to varying degrees for the last 2+ years.  But now, there is nothing positive or pleasant about it and I don't have a feeling of being guided or supported.  Its like the same thing, but in reverse.  I have a subtle awareness of there being 'something else' out there, but now, its actively ignoring me, leaving me feeling completely abandoned.  I'm acutely sensitive to everything, including energies, but now what I'm sensing is only the negative side. Its like being slowly dragged backwards through my previous life/lives and seeing everything from a reverse perspective, but at the same time I'm having to live and function in this normal real world reality of every day life.

 

I doubt that much of this is making any sense, but for some reason, trying to explain it, to get it out from the abstract form of my own experience into something which can be communicated is helpful and quite calming.  There's not many people you can express this kind of stuff to, without causing fear and concern with potential harmful repercussions via medicine.

 

I'm going to try and write a specific example.  I can look at a tree and see it, with my eyes, as a 3d, normal, ordinary tree, the way I guess most people see it, but at the same time I sense something else about it.  Its not like an hallucination, I'm still seeing the same tree, but something else sometimes bleeds through the normal reality and can feel very overwhelming.  Its a kind of anti-tree, the opposite of a tree, or everything a tree is not, while still appearing to be a tree.  Its a chaotic avalanche of images and impressions of every possible potential of everything which is not the tree in front of me.  There is a threatening tone about it, almost like a warning, that life, via things like trees is fragile and precious and can be taken away leaving its opposite, a virtual abomination - artificial life, technology , dying, decaying, horrendous, awful, growth with the potential to unbalance everything good. (I'm sorry, words are inadequate, I just read back through what I wrote, but that's the best I can do)

 

During my previous episodes of having this kind of dual perception, the non-ordinary version was always (usually) something good, I would be filled with a sense of awe and beauty like as if I was directly experiencing the powerful life force of the tree or whatever I was looking at.  I once remember looking at a bug crawling along the ground and for a few seconds it was like there was no separation between me and the bug, we were one moving, flowing energy of life, there was only life connected to itself through its creations of which I was a part. I once saw some flowers growing, which weren't really there.  I knew they were not part of this normal reality, but for a few seconds they came through from what I can only describe as another dimension or another timeline.  They were a beautiful blue/purple color and came through like a shimmering hologram rather than being solid.  They were only there for a few seconds. It felt like I had been given the precious gift of being given a brief glimpse into a place usually hidden.  I have never told anyone about these things because its irrational and the obvious explanation is that I'm losing touch with reality and that makes me sick. For most of my life I've had brief, unusual experiences, mostly they have been pleasant, awe inspiring or interesting.

 

But now, my altered perceptions are showing me the other face of what hides beneath our normal awareness.  I think this is why going out for a walk these days is such a difficult experience at times.  The trees turn into monsters.    Not really, but something is going on that's causing a constant triggering of frightening and unpleasant impressions to overwhelm me.  Where as previously I would go through stages of getting overwhelmed with joy filled, blissful experiences, now my inbuilt projector has switched from fantasy to horror. Thanks to withdrawal I guess.

 

I'm without a car today and need to go get some milk.  I'm feeling extremely fragile and vulnerable (again) But I'm going to take it one step at a time and get back out there and walk to the store.

 

I could write that in spite of having extreme derealization today, I'm going to walk to the store anyway.  But I hate these illness related labels.  Some people pay a lot of money to take substances which alter their perception and expand consciousness, its considered to be an enriching or rewarding experience, but I suppose its different if there is some control and it turns out to be mostly pleasant.

 

I drank some hot chocolate which my daughter brought back from Japan.  I drank some on Saturday and Sunday, I wonder if that's what's making me feel extra weird at the moment.    I hope not because it wasn't worth it, I might as well have been drinking a cup of warm water for the amount of pleasure I got out of it.  It was delicious, and smelled wonderful, but there was a block between sensing and enjoying.

 

Slightly later:  Well that was easy, I walked to the store.  As soon as I stepped out the door, the DR turned into DP so it was like I was hardly even there.  I felt protected by not actually being present in the experience fully.  I was about 20% there, just enough so that someone was in control and knew how to buy milk.

 

I seem to have got through most of another difficult day.  I've had this window open on my computer and have been adding to it on and off for a few hours.  Its been like I've had you all with me all day and I feel incredibly lucky to have had the company of some wonderful people who get what this awful withdrawal experience is like.

 

No more Japanese hot chocolate for me.

[mammaP]

I love reading your posts Petu, they are so expressive and interesting. I can relate to some of what you

are describing. The thoughts of being an experiment and of being at one with things, plus many others.

Things that I could never put into words and wouldn't tell a shrink about!  Interestingly they were mostly 

during my years of being on and off drugs so likely side effects and withdrawal. 

They mess with the brain, the most vital organ, our whole being. Who we are and what makes us tick

are chemically changed and our poor brains have to try and right themselves. 

 

I'm glad that you went for milk, you achieved something and now I have decided to go to the postbox....

in the rain. I may even walk to visit an elderly neighbour who has called in on me and return the 

gesture. You have inspired me so thank you.  

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

it was really such a privilige to spend a day (a few days) with you by reading your posts.

 

I'm not feeling well myself and while reading whaty ou wrote I actually feel you wrote it for me so that I don't have to do it myself. Your posts never ever have a negative impact on me. On the contrary, when you write so openly and insightfully about your feelings and experiences I feel a lot stronger because you manage to put horror into words, give it a form and thus make it a lot less scary.

 

I also can't stop thinking how you writing this and we reading it gives us humanity at times when we might appear to others (and ourselves) as empty and broken shells or biblical vessels. This brokeness is just an appearance underneath which your writing reveals our strength pulsating.

 

I could so very much relate to what you wrote about not reaching out when feeling very bad but rather closing like a shell to nurse its pain (and turn it into a pearl).A lot of animals actually retreat like that and lick their wounds so maybe it's a natural impulse.

 

Despite that I totally feel it is the result of our family dynamics. I had the very same pattern and there is a picture from my childhood I so clearly remember:I must've been 4 or 5. My grandma was working in the field and sent me home to bring a tool warning me not to run down the hill and injuring myself. I was of course running and tripped on some pebbles. I was sliding down the hill on my knees peeling the skin off and worring what my grandma would say. I stood up relieved nobody saw me, maybe even cried a little hidden between the corns, cleaned the wounds with corn leaves and then I pulled my dress hard over my knees before appearing before grandma. If I hadn't, instead of comforting I'd been given a good spanking. So here I am today acting pretty much the same as then and different than those other kids with different moms. But I don't agonise over that any more. I accept myself the way I am. I hide and I lick my wounds and this is not bad. This is me. And a very important thing:look at us!we are reaching out!you are expressing your emotions with your daughter.

 

Thanks so much for sharing everything. It is extremely helpful.

 

Big hug

 

bubble

[areyouthere]

I too love your posts Petu. I have experienced some of what you express but always in very vivid dreams & not always while withdrawing and many before I was ever taking medication of any kind. . They used to frighten me.

 

I wrote many of them down with plans to one day use the writing for poetry or as contributing material for a book written by people with deep emotional psyche wounds. I have not read that material for over twenty years. I'm not ready.

 

I am in awe that you are experiencing these "revelations" in real time and am so grateful that you share. Thank you for that. It is somehow a relief and healing to experience along with someone else what I think is their recovery process from long ago & current wounds to self.

 

Have you read Running With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes? It is a collection of myths from across the world & cultures regarding women & the part they play in the myth. They are surprisingly similar… the messages we receive from the societies we live in and the way we tend to heal our wounds from early integrating those controlling messages in order to release our true inner selves.

 

I personally think that seeking medication is a way to tame the urge to have to go through the hard work we need to go through to tame the old  messages and release our wild women ( who run with the wolves) selves. It is a way to post pone it anyway. As we are finding out… that work has to be done.

 

I don't regret going the med route..it got me through a career to retirement.. and after having read some of your "stuff" makes me realize that maybe having to go through and deal with WD is the "new" and modern way to start the process back to wild self.

 

Just food for thought. 

 

I like how you are accepting whatever process you are dealing with at the moment, appreciate your sharing it, and somehow know that you will emerge on a different side a much healthier & happier Petu. 

 

In the mean time, I would encourage to to continue to embrace your experiences & express them. They are a part of a collective "us" that we all need to embrace and yes, even celebrate for one another.

 

HUGS!!

 

RU… a member of your tribe. 

[Addax]

As I read your narrative I find myself lost in the imagery, which is both beautiful and maybe even a little ominous. Your description of what you see when you look at a tree and see a a sort of otherness of the tree is quite amazing. It reminded me of an artist, John Lopez, who lives here in the US in South Dakota I believe. He creates these fantastical animals out of scrap metals. They are amazing and beautiful and like how I imagine your tree, ominous. I would imagine his creations might be a bit scary or intimidating in real life.

 

You wrote: "It felt like I had been given the precious gift of being given a brief glimpse into a place usually hidden. I have never told anyone about these things because its irrational and the obvious explanation is that I'm losing touch with reality and that makes me sick. For most of my life I've had brief, unusual experiences, mostly they have been pleasant, awe inspiring or interesting."

 

Whose to say you weren't given a gift a being able to glimpse into another place? And it's only my opinion formed by my own interpretation, but it doesn't sound like your experience is a loss touch with reality, but an experience of something along with reality... If that makes sense.

 

A quick mention about racing thoughts when trying to go to sleep. a friend of mine introduced me to this, and it took some practice. He had explained that counting sheep or even imaging a peaceful place when trying to interrupt a distressful thought doesn't always help with racing thoughts because memories and other thoughts can be triggered and on like that. He suggested people think of the word "THE." Just the word and say it over and over in your head. He explained that the word has no context or image associated with it, no symbolism, or connection to anything in particular and therefor doesn't inspire memories or thought threads like images do. He said if your mind travels from the word just bring it back to saying the word "THE" even if you have to whisper it out loud. I've done it several times. It's not always easy, and I'll admit to some frustration, but it's gotten the job done on several occasions. I think even the frustrating part of has worked in that my thinking ended up corralled into trying to think of "THE." Maybe something to try anyway?

 

I'm sorry you are having to endure this struggle and are hurting, Petu.

 

A quote I read recently just came to mind- "You, he said, are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain." I don't know who said it or wrote it...

[mattinsmom]

I think there have been some profound responses to your struggles. One question-do you see the "space between"? I have been able to my whole life. It's a mixed blessing and most certainly not mental illness.

 

May you find peaceful moments today.

[Rhiannon]

Thank you so much Petu for your deep sharing and to all of you who have replied so deeply and with such honesty. You are all a treasure to me.

 

Petu, I know it's horrible, and I know this is hard to imagine, but I have seen other people go through this same depth and intensity of pain and suffering in withdrawal, although rarely has anyone been able to express it with such insight and eloquence. And people come through it, and they recover. You will too. Hang in there. You are greatly appreciated and loved.

[dalsaan]

It's interesting how we all relate but in different ways. Plato, the philosopher argued that existence is split into two realms - a material realm and a transcendent realm of forms. The former is subject to change and accessed through our senses, the latter is a pure archetype that is permanent, accessible through our mind and from his perspective more real. Plato might well argue that your mind is engaging with the forms in a more intense way than you might normally and that this isn't a retreat from reality, it is an engagement with it- maybe brought on by Japanese chocolate

 

Please keep writing

 

Dx

[Nikki]

Petu I was invited out to dinner but I will read your post.....I haven't check in here for awhile and am doing so now..

 

You have always been kind to me...and I hope you are doing well

 

Hugs

[mlrp]

...

I personally think that seeking medication is a way to tame the urge to have to go through the hard work we need to go through to tame the old  messages and release our wild women ( who run with the wolves) selves. It is a way to post pone it anyway. As we are finding out… that work has to be done.

 

...

 

I like how you are accepting whatever process you are dealing with at the moment, appreciate your sharing it, and somehow know that you will emerge on a different side a much healthier & happier Petu. 

 

In the mean time, I would encourage to to continue to embrace your experiences & express them. They are a part of a collective "us" that we all need to embrace and yes, even celebrate for one another.

 

 

 

Dear Petu, You are such a supportive, generous member of this community. I wish I had more than words - something concrete - to help you through your struggles. I like much of what areyouthere had to say.

 

I am a survivor of childhood abuse (from both parents) and at the age of 52, ended up on ADs after a complete nervous breakdown caused by my relationship with my mother, who has borderline personality disorder. We were enmeshed in a very sick, co-dependent relationship and, due to a number of circumstances in late 2012, she activated her "witch" side (borderlines don't really have multiple personalities; more like different modalities)  for a few months and literally tried to annihilate me through emotional terrorism. I never would have thought that someone could be "stressed" to death, but I was fighting to stay alive.

 

My therapist told me that I'm very strong and that most people in similar situations "crack" in their 30s. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better. 

 

What areyouthere said has similarities to how I feel about my own journey - and the very hard work it takes some of us to simply live. I largely credit my Twelve Step program with helping me realize how unfortunately immature I am. This was so difficult for me to accept because, as happens with so many abused children, I was parenticized at a very early age. But the abuse and neglect I suffered also kept me paradoxically childlike, unable to cope with the full range of adult emotions. I am finally learning how to accept life on life's terms, how to feel the full depth and range of human emotions without becoming "lost" or depersonalizing. It is a very painful process and I often have difficulty "sitting with the discomfort" when I have a strong emotional reaction to something. I often feel overwhelmed and frightened by what I feel. At those times, I try to use whatever tools - Al-Anon or otherwise - I have at my disposal to work through the pain. Little by little, it seems to be working. I am learning to fully inhabit my life, to own my feelings - good and bad - and to also claim ownership of the pain I have suffered in order to eventually release it. 

 

Gosh, this all sounds so philosophical - and perhaps even a bit thoughtless, given the struggles you are having to feel anything, at all, and your recent cognitive experiences. I don't mean to be inconsiderate - but rather to let you know that I have walked through similar valleys to yours. I believe in you, and I see that you are doing the hard work of living, holding on, and making it to the next day, and the next... 

 

Others here are much more eloquent than I, and with fewer words! Just know that I believe there are better days ahead for you and all the goodness and support you give to others will come back to one day reward you with your own hard-won recovery.

 

Thinking of you from the other side of the globe... (and don't ever worry about posting replies to me... take care of yourself)