☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[Rhiannon]

Petu, congratulations on starting a blog! You're such a good writer, I'm glad you're going to be writing.

 

Every morning when I get up there are dozens of things I need to do, but I feel like crap, so I sit down with my computer and come here to SA for an hour or two. My garden is neglected, my paperwork's a mess, the house is a mess, the refrigerator has some scary science experiments in it, but screw it, I do what I can.

 

And it's getting better. When I first started my taper it was very difficult for me to get out of the house at all. I had to go to work, but that's all I did, and the grocery store occasionally (which I still have trouble with when I'm in my withdrawal periods after cuts). It has gotten much better. But the progress has been very gradual.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the woman who started her own blog is the same woman who's going to be pushing herself out the door to a Meetup group one of these days. Please trust and forgive yourself, and be patient with yourself. Do what you can every day and maybe do just one thing that's hard, be that a shower, or sitting outside, or going for a walk, or planting a flower.

 

From out here, it's easy to believe in you; maybe you can trust us, a little, that how we see you might contain as much truth as the way you are currently seeing yourself, since how you're seeing yourself right now is warped by withdrawal and social isolation.

[trouper]

hi petu!

i relate a lot to what you talked about: not wanting to buy stuff, overwhelming high stress/alert system, feeling i should be doing more in this extra time i have, etc.

when i had my 2-3 day window, these things lifted which reenforced that it is withdrawal and it will get better. my window closed for 3 weeks but i just had another 2 day window where i wanted to do things again (which has since closed as well.) 

 

i came across this project and it looks like it may be helpful. i may try to do it to help me get out of this funk.

http://100happydays.com

[Petunia]

I noticed in your history that you're taking Black Cohosh twice a day, and I'm wondering if that might be adding to your apathy. ............

.........but you might try not taking it for a few days, or try just one capsule at bedtime.

 

 For the past two days I had--real, not the flavored black tea--mint tea when I got up and realized yesterday afternoon that it was making me very groggy...........  Amazing what big differences these small changes make now.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Thanks Jemima, you are so right about small changes making big differences, a lot of the time it seems that way.  But then other times I'm not so sure because something which seemed to have an effect (positive or negative) previously, then doesn't have the same effect. I know GiaK has written about this.

 

Since starting the BC I've wondered if perhaps it has turned paradoxical.  I stopped if for a while, and I also cut it down to only taking it at night for a few days.  Both times, nothing improved, but hot flashes and sweating increased, leading to worse sleeping.  The only reason I take it is to try and minimize being woken by hot flashes through the night.  Whatever causes the hot flashes, whether withdrawal or menopause or a combination, the BC does reduce the severity and occurrence of them.

 

I always get a big wave of heat as soon as I start eating dinner.  I get a run of them through the night, starting about 3am, getting progressively worse as the night continues. They wake me up, but if they are not too bad, I can quickly go back to sleep. They often seem to be triggered by emotionally arousing dreams because when I wake up, I'm just coming out of a dream.  Sometimes they seem to be triggered by an anxiety provoking idea or thought, other times its if I find myself 'waiting' in line when I'm under fluorescent lights. 

 

There was a period of a few months, over a year ago, when they stopped completely, during that time, my sleep improved considerably.  It didn't relate to anything I was doing differently, it was before I found this site and I was still taking the occasional drug here and there, drinking coffee etc, so it really makes even less sense.

 

I got some 'sleepytime tea', that has mint in it.  But I don't drink it because I don't have problems falling asleep, just staying asleep.  I try and minimize liquid after dinner so that I wont be woken to go to the bathroom, that's sometimes a problem, but then at other times its not.  Nothing stays the same, that's what's so confusing to me..... apart from the one thing which never changes...I wake up too early feeling awful and nothing helps apart from waiting for time to pass, for the symptoms (sensations) to subside for the day, leaving me exhausted and sometimes depressed.

 

On some mornings, the intensity of the symptoms are less and I can distract myself with various computer related things.  What I can actually do relates entirely to the nature of the particular symptoms I'm experiencing.  I'm usually extra sensitive to sound in the mornings and can't seem to watch video.  I don't think its directly related to sound though, maybe it is, I'm not sure.  If I was half way through watching a movie or video the night before, its impossible for me to continue watching it in the morning, its as if my emotion sensor has been turned way up and I'm now too sensitive to its content.  I have to wait until later in the day before I can continue.

 

Something (bad) happens to me when I go to sleep at night.  I know that a lot of the morning difficulty is related to the cortisol cycle and the fact that its higher in the mornings, but I get a sense that something else is going on too.  Sleeping often feels like its more tiring than being awake, like as if my brain is working very hard all night long, maybe it is...... working hard to repair itself

 

Petu, congratulations on starting a blog! You're such a good writer, I'm glad you're going to be writing.

 

Thank you Rhi

 

Every morning when I get up there are dozens of things I need to do, but I feel like crap, so I sit down with my computer and come here to SA for an hour or two. My garden is neglected, my paperwork's a mess, the house is a mess, the refrigerator has some scary science experiments in it, but screw it, I do what I can.

 

I'm the same way, I feel like crap, so I turn to my only possible source of comfort, but often, I feel so bad, even that doesn't work until later in the day.

 

 Before withdrawal, I was rarely obsessive about housework,  in general, for most of my life I've preferred to live in attractive, organized, uncluttered surroundings with an 'average' level of cleanliness, if such a thing exists.  Crumbs, dust, spider webs, dirty marks wouldn't bother me, I would get to them when I did.  But now, in withdrawal, I've become compulsive about some things which never used to bother me.  If I see a dirty mark on a surface, I have to clean it off immediately, the kitchen has to be clean and free from crumbs before I go to sleep, if I see the smallest bug anywhere, I freak out until its gone.  I don't understand this at all, I think its got something to do with control.  I'm getting an increasing level of fear at my ability to control the circumstances of my life and its manifesting itself in ridiculous cleaning compulsions.  I hardly have any energy any more, and most activity makes me break out in a cold sweat and feel dizzy, so I don't often get down to any 'heavy' housework, but I feel overwhelmed and out of control at my inability to do what I used to do, instead I compulsively pick up crumbs and lint and hairs when I see them.

 

I ignore the outside as much as possible, feeling the fear rise in me as the level of leaves and dirt build up around the entrance.  I clean it up sometimes, but it triggers an almost overwhelming terror in me because I know its just the thin edge of a wedge and in reality there is an enormous amount of work I need to do around the outside of the house before its anywhere near what I would be satisfied with....and I just don't have it in me any more....I'm scared its never going to get any better than this, at times I feel like I'm getting worse.

 

And it's getting better. When I first started my taper it was very difficult for me to get out of the house at all. I had to go to work, but that's all I did, and the grocery store occasionally (which I still have trouble with when I'm in my withdrawal periods after cuts). It has gotten much better. But the progress has been very gradual.

 

I also see my own progress, in a few areas, like walking, grocery shopping and diet.  But for some strange reason, it gives me no hope or comfort.  Walking around the park is no longer the dread and terror filled experience it was a year ago, now its like a flat, heavy, numb kind of experience. But I'm not sure if its real progress or just that I've learned how to manage to navigate around my changing symptoms and no longer force myself to do things when I'm feeling awful, but I wait until I'm feeling better, leaving most things until later in the day or when  get a rare early window. 

 

I couldn't imagine getting up in the morning and going to a job, even if I had one which was pleasant and stress-free.  I remember this time last year I was having to get up and take my daughter to the train station early in the mornings and I don't know how I managed it, the stress was overwhelming.  I would be shaking and sweating and having to really concentrate on my driving, and it was only a 10 minute drive.  By the time I got home I felt like I had just experience a big trauma, like being in a war situation and just escaping alive, my body was in such a state of stress.... doing it over and over didn't make it easier, if anything, I think I got worse.

 

Maybe there is real progress here now, because I've been able to finally reduce the stress in my life to a level where recovery is possible.  In 2006, life as I knew it started to fall apart, it was related to my marriage, not drugs, and ever since then all I've experienced is loss, trauma, change, disappointment, confusion and a complete sense of helplessness over the circumstances of life.  Withdrawal fell right in the middle of all that. I chose the worse possible time for stopping my long term anti-depressant medication almost CT, but what did I know.  I also didn't know that the the circumstances of my life were going to continue to fall apart.  For 6 years I was living on adrenaline, in survival mode, trying to keep my daughter and myself safe, trying to preserve the future for her which I had imagined.  I got put on various drugs to treat various health conditions, and there were some major interactions, I didn't know at the time, my personality was changing, I was getting out of control.  I can see it now, looking back.

 

I survived, we survived.  We are safe now, life can be stable and predictable, but my body doesn't realize it yet.....but that's not true, I forgot again, life isn't predictable, I'm in protracted withdrawal and I keep getting these physical symptoms and fear and dread and terror and they come and go as they please, there is still no control over my experience of life.  No tapering or holding possible, just trying to decide if half a teaspoon of honey in my decaffeinated tea is worth the risk, I usually decide its not, I give myself the illusion of control.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the woman who started her own blog is the same woman who's going to be pushing herself out the door to a Meetup group one of these days. Please trust and forgive yourself, and be patient with yourself. Do what you can every day and maybe do just one thing that's hard, be that a shower, or sitting outside, or going for a walk, or planting a flower.

 

From out here, it's easy to believe in you; maybe you can trust us, a little, that how we see you might contain as much truth as the way you are currently seeing yourself, since how you're seeing yourself right now is warped by withdrawal and social isolation.

 

 I don't trust myself again yet, perhaps that's the main problem. My confidence in my ability to handle life has been completely shattered.  I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I could handle life, no matter what it threw at me, but I trusted the wrong people, in several places, was it the drugs?  My judgement got terribly skewed, my values flew out the window, who was I?   I'm working on the forgiveness and I have to trust what I read here, because that's all I have left to hang onto. Its like I'm slowly waking up from a 52 year nightmare which was my life and I'm trying to figure out if any of it was real because the way I remember things keeps changing.  I guess I have to pick up some pieces and claim them as reality, so I can move forward.  I seem to be getting there, slowly, as long as nothing stressful happens in the next 5 years or so, maybe I will make it.  Is that why I'm so self protective now, because I realize how vulnerable I am to any added stress, staying home, where there is a greater level of control over the environment and events minimizes the chance of unexpected stressful things happening  and setting my recovery back again.  It does seem to be like a balancing act, pushing just enough to strengthen my confidence, but not enough to do more damage.  Perhaps its something as simple as not wanting to leave the house because starting at age 10, I lost so many homes through my life, and along with them, my sense of security.

 

 

when i had my 2-3 day window, these things lifted which reenforced that it is withdrawal and it will get better. my window closed for 3 weeks but i just had another 2 day window where i wanted to do things again (which has since closed as well.) 

 

i came across this project and it looks like it may be helpful. i may try to do it to help me get out of this funk.

http://100happydays.com

 

If you are getting 2 -3 day windows, that's great I mean, from what I've learned, this is the way it goes, the windows get longer and more frequent.  But when the waves hit again, it 'feels' like all is lost, but its not.  I've never had a window which has carried over to the next day, even though when I'm in one, I imagine it will.  I had one yesterday, which was exactly 8 days after my last window.  It started at 10:30am and finished about 8pm I think.  Its difficult to tell when it ended because I'm usually not feeling too bad at that time of the night.  But I had a bad night and woke up this morning in the usual manner, so its closed, I'm glad I took advantage of it and did my grocery shopping, now I have some food to eat

 

That looks like a great project and thank you for posting the link, perhaps your could post it in the symptoms and self care section for others to see.

 

The pet shop just called me to say they have some puppies in.  Yesterday afternoon, while I was in my window I looked at the pet supplies I had bought and wondered when  would be ready to get a dog, even though I was in a window, I realized I wasn't ready,  I'm only just starting to be able to 'rescue' myself from the rubble which was my past.  This is another thing I can see as progress.  When I renovated this house 2 years ago and we moved, none of this was for me.  This was all so that my daughter would have a suitable place to continue her life.  At that point I was existing solely for her, she was my reason for everything I did, for staying alive.  Somehow or other, through the events of the last 8 years, "I", the person I thought of as me, stopped existing, I had no intrinsic worth in my own right.  I had no right to want anything for myself.... I'm just starting to see tiny little cracks in that idea, especially later in the day, so I think it wouldn't be a good idea right now to get a pet to take care of, to justify my own existence, I would like to try and create a self which is worth living for in its own right.  I want to wait until its a matter of wanting rather than needing.

 

I had no intention of rambling on so much today, but I feel better for having done it.

[mammaP]

You write so beautifully Petu and I can feel everything you write.  I can see cracks appearing

as your withdrawal goes on,  cracks that are like the iceberg starting to break.  Improvements,

and I'm glad you started a blog. You could write a book about your experience and it would give

hope to a lot of people. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us. xx

[Narcissus]

A blog seems like an excellent idea, I hope you go through with it!  

 

Your withdrawal experience seems very difficult, I'm amazed that you're able to cope with it.  

 

As far as social interactions go, I've found that even when I feel bad I do better in social situations than I would have imagined.  Sometimes I think being social has its own energy reserves, sometimes when I'm hardly able to engage myself I find I'm somehow able to talk to other people.  I cook and volunteer at a local charity twice a week, I've gone long enough that I'm now expected, so I'm often forced out and made to be social when I might stay in otherwise.  And this has been a very positive thing.  Being around other people, attending and listening to them is a wonderful distraction from withdrawal, I think it helps me more than anything else.  

 

Have you thought about some light volunteering?  Cooking has been great for me, it gives me something to work at at home, I can take my time and be leisurely about it.  Then I just have to go out and serve it, which really requires very little energy.  

 

Anyway, I think mamma's right about the cracks, I hope they continue to grow.

[mattinsmom]

flyby hug

[Petunia]

....so here I am again, staring at this blank page, fighting the urge to close it and not write anything about myself. I wrote on someone else's thread yesterday that when this happened, I would try and figure out what is underneath this reluctance.

 

The feeling is vulnerability.  I have no way of defending myself from attack.  This makes no logical sense, I know, but this is a deep feeling and it comes from my past and has nothing to do with what is actually going on here.  This seems to be related to reality, my own personal reality and my struggle to accept it.  This goes way back into my childhood (of course, don't most things).

 

This isn't unique to me, but from the moment I was born, society, and my culture has conspired to change me, to make me somehow different from what I naturally am.  Most of it has been about changing my behavior, which is fair enough, we all need to learn how to do certain things so we can function as adults in the world.  But in the process of being taught how to function, I somehow got the message that who or what I am is intrinsically bad or wrong.  I got mixed messages, or messages got mixed up.  It wasn't only that what I was doing was wrong, but that I was wrong.

 

I was the first born, to a couple of very controlling parents.  They each had their separate ideas of what I was supposed to be and none of it was anything like what I actually was.  Not much is different these days, even now.  Actually, its worse than its ever been.  Not only am I not fulfilling their images of what they would like from a daughter, but I'm sick and not even trying any more.

 

In some ways, coming here, this site is symbolic of society, my parents.  Its a resource which has developed because of a problem, because of something which is 'wrong'.  Its here to fix something, to change something.  Or to help people.....get better, which implies that there is something which is unacceptable the way it is.

 

Its taking every bit of strength and faith I have, on a daily basis, to accept the reality of my situation right now.....because I can't change it.  I can't think or behave or substance myself out of this messed up nervous system.  There was a time when I was still able to believe that if I just tried hard enough, blocked my own feelings out enough, that I would be able to be more of what 'others' expected of me, and then I would get this need for love fulfilled.  But there is no hope now.

 

Its frighteningly clear that all I have left is me.  If I'm ever going to get my need for love filled now, its going to have to come from myself and the only way I'm going to be able to do that is by accepting myself exactly the way I am, right now...... sick, in withdrawal, incapable of not much more than the basics of life.

 

All around me, even here, is the message of change, growth, recovery, healing, trying.  Its a message so deeply ingrained in our culture that we don't even notice it as being a choice.

 

So how does this relate to my reluctance to update my own thread? 

 

I watch myself struggling to find examples of improvement to write about and I feel the conflict it causes.  Yes, there are changes, there are always changes, but is it really an improvement?  I don't want to improve, I want to be able to accept.  What about if nothing improves beyond this, does that mean I'm never going to be acceptable to myself or anyone else and then I will die never having known unconditional love from myself or anyone else.  Maybe I have to accept even that.

 

I honestly don't know how much I was wounded emotionally through my childhood, and through later experiences, compared with other people, but I don't think that's particularly relevant.  Right now, I'm seeing it all clearer than I ever have and I'm feeling the effect of it more intensely and consciously than ever before.... there has to be something good about this, some value in facing the reality of what actually is.... so I can accept what actually happened, process it finally, integrate it into myself..... a good and whole self, deserving of love, my own unconditional love and acceptance.

 

Well anyway, that's what's going on with me at the moment.  I'm still waking up about 5am every morning with surges of fear and hot flashes.  They probably start a little earlier and flavor my dreams/nightmares, which I wake from, but these days, usually manage to go back to sleep.  I've developed this automatic routine of laying on my back, throwing off the covers to release the heat and focusing my attention/thoughts on my breath.  It usually takes about 2 minutes for the heat and fear to disperse and I cover back up, roll over onto my side and go back to sleep.  But by about 5am, there is no going back to sleep because I suppose the cortisol level has risen high enough to cause a kind of constant body tension which prevents sleep.

 

Mornings find me doing whatever I can to distract myself from the constant sensations of inner vibrations, shaking, tension, chills, nausea, feelings of dread.... all the classic symptoms of a body in fight/flight mode.  I have bad mornings and worse mornings, but in general, its not as intense as it was a year ago.  It used to effect me cognitively so that I was unable to do anything apart from ... nothing, just laying and breathing, but now I can actually get up and make something to drink, put on my computer and read, and sometimes write.

 

By mid afternoon I'm usually feeling less bad, and able to go out if I need to.  I still have no desire to do anything, and still don't get any pleasure from anything, but as long as I wait until the afternoon, I can do various things I need to do without it causing worse symptoms.  I make myself walk in the afternoons a few times a week, depending on the weather, its been very cold and/or stormy here lately.  It may be helping in some long-term kind of way, I hope it is because I don't feel any immediate benefits from it and sometimes it makes me feel worse.... more tired than I already am.  But I usually don't care.  By early evening I'm usually feeling quite calm and physically relaxed and by comparison to earlier in the day, its almost like I go into a state of bliss.  I wouldn't call it happiness or anything related to motivation or energy, but I find myself in a sort of blissed out, lazy, peaceful state of non-thinking acceptance.  Also not particularly functional, but its much more pleasant.

 

Monday last week (9 days ago), I woke up to a text message which put me into a state of shock for about an hour.  It was from my ex-husband, who I haven't had any direct contact with for about 5 years.  It was about our daughter and it ended up being because of a miscommunication, but for about an hour I was thinking that she was hurt in some way, possibly seriously and with her being in Japan at the moment, I was in a state of panic, desperately trying to get in touch with her.

 

Nothing was wrong, my ex-husband had assumed something which wasn't true and uncharacteristically had contacted me.  I was in shock for the rest of the day, physically.  It made me realize how sensitized my nervous system is.  It took about 2-3 days before I really felt back to 'normal'.  I try not to worry about the fragile state of my nervous system, I mean, there's nothing I can do about it apart from continue to minimize stress, take care of myself the best I can and wait.

 

Accepting myself the way I am right now helps to minimize stress. Having others accept me the way I am right now is good, but that's a rare thing.  In my sensitized state, I'm more vulnerable to anything which could be misconstrued as non-acceptance.  There is a bigger picture though and this isn't just about me.  I see how the inability of others to accept my reality is just a reflection of their inability to accept similar things in themselves, and so I do my best to accept that too.

 

I'm not sure if I've figured out anything here or not.  I'm still feeling vulnerable and I still don't want to press the 'add reply' button.  I  don't know anything for certain any more and I realize I never did, it was all just an illusion.

 

I'm like an onion and life, circumstances and my own choices are peeling back my layers, painfully, leading to my fragile core becoming more and more exposed.  I'm scared to find out what remains when all the layers are gone.

 

 

 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I hope this, word for word, went on your blog and will be in your forthcoming book. You do have the makings of a book right here in your thread, should you ever choose to write one. And the other pieces are scattered in other's threads.

 

Does anyone know what 'acceptance' feels like? I think I do sometimes and I felt a bit of it this morning reading of your struggle and knowing what has recently happened in mine. (My recovery changed once I started to get active in my volunteer job). Now how to get there is another matter. I think it just comes and it may have something to do with stopping the mental fight with what happened in the past or what may happen in the future. And stopping the fight with our thoughts and images of our 'selves' as mothers, daughters, workers, students, wives, husbands. All of the 'roles' we have taken on and played throughout our lives. Including our 'recovery' role. Much easier said than done because for a lot of us, our thoughts are under the influence of bizarre chemical changes in our systems.

[Petunia]

(My recovery changed once I started to get active in my volunteer job). Now how to get there is another matter.

 

I'm not sure if I should ask you this here, or on your thread, I will try here. What came first, the lowering of your magnesium dose or getting more active in your job?  I'm wondering, because even though you haven't been writing much lately, I get the impression that you may be feeling a bit better, and it seemed to happen after you lowered your dose of magnesium.

 

I hope this, word for word, went on your blog and will be in your forthcoming book.

 

No, not yet, my blog got off to a very slow start, after the first post, which was basically just a picture, I had problems uploading a second post.  I kept hitting the publish button, but it wouldn't stick.  I'm not certain what I want my blog to be about, so I'm not in a hurry to get a lot of content there yet.

 

Dalsaan sent me some book recommendations for trauma recovery and I was very impressed with the work of Babette Rothschild, so if anyone else is interested, have a look for her books, she focuses on safety and not causing additional stress and trauma.  She also has some videos on youtube where she explains the main points of one of her books "8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery"

 

This morning found me in another obvious wave, but it was different from previous ones.  I was in quite a lot of physical pain with tension in my upper back, going into my head, it may have been unrelated.  But apart from that, I felt very strange, it was like I was completely stuck in an endless loop of meaningless, empty thoughts. Its hard to explain what it was like, but for those of us old enough to remember, it was like when the 'needle' would get stuck sometimes when playing those vinyl records.  It would play the same phrase over an over, until you moved it.  If you didn't move it, and let it keep playing the same part over and over, after a while, the words lost all meaning and became just a repeated sound.  I remember as a child when this would happen, I would listen until the words became meaningless and then start to feel very strange, almost like I was in a trance, unable to move.  That's what my brain was doing this morning and no matter what I tried, I couldn't distract myself.  I started to panic because I was also getting dizzy and nauseous, like as if I really was spinning around.  Then I started to feel claustrophobic, which is strange because my usual default state is agoraphobic.  The trapped feeling started to build very fast and I found myself getting dressed to go out.  I actually couldn't believe what I was doing, but I was going to go to the mall to buy some new pajamas, I've needed some new ones for a while, but haven't felt up to facing the crowds at the mall.

 

Anyway, here I was, putting together an outfit to go to the mall.  I haven't cared what I've looked like for over 2 years, I still don't, but for some reason, it seemed important that I appeared a certain way today.  I tried various items of clothing, until I seemed satisfied.  Then somewhat horrified, I watched myself leaving the house.  I didn't feel like I was actually in my body, but slightly above it.  I'd had no breakfast, but my panic to get out was more important.

 

On one level, I had no idea what I was doing, but there was a script running in my head and it seemed sensible to follow it.  I was going to find parking as close to one end of the mall as possible, then walk to the other end to Target to see what their selection of pajamas was like at the moment.

 

I ended up spending 4 hours shopping, for various things, not just nightwear.  But I was in this strange head space the whole time, it wasn't like previous shopping trips where its been extremely unpleasant and like a bad drug trip with my perceptions all messed up, this was more like I was very dissociated from myself, trance-like, not high anxiety, almost relaxing in a detached kind of way, but not pleasant, I can't say I enjoyed myself, or anything like that.

 

After about 3 hours, I realized that I was in incredible pain and I remembered that I hadn't eaten anything.  So I got a decaff coffee and sat drinking it, watching the other shoppers.  But it was like I wasn't really there, I had no idea what time it was, or what day, or even who I was, but I didn't seem to be caring.  Then the pain went away a bit, so I did some more shopping.

 

Then suddenly, it seemed like it was time to come home, so I did.  I had bought a few groceries, so I put those away, but all the non-perishable things I had bought got dumped, in their bags, on the dining table, I have no interest in anything I bought and I've got a feeling that when I wake up tomorrow, I will see the bags of stuff and wonder where it all came from.  I didn't spend a whole lot of money and from memory, I only bought things I kind of need, or at least can use....or wear, if I ever go out again.

 

This is what really bothers me.  Today, I did a whole lot of things which just a few months ago would have had me experiencing high levels of physical arousal (anxiety symptoms).  But today, I was floating above my body, not really experiencing anything, the complete opposite, if other people hadn't have responded to me, when I talked to them, I would have concluded that I was a ghost, that's what it felt like.  So, from one extreme to the next.  At least now that I'm home again, the panic and claustrophobia hasn't come back.

 

The pain and muscle tension is now gone, like as if it was never there.

 

While I was sitting drinking my coffee, in the middle of a busy mall, surrounded by people, for a few seconds I came back into myself and felt a wave of emotion which was a combination of loneliness and freedom in equal measures.  It wasn't one or the other, but both at the same time, it was equally pleasant and unpleasant.  It occurred to me that I could sit there for ever in that one moment and it would be ok, it was ok.  But then something turned around and looked at itself, from the outside, I think, and then I was gone again.

 

There have been two definite improvements I've noticed over the last few weeks.  I can manage to watch TV, for a little while in the evenings without being too disturbed by the commercials and news headlines, I have been able to tune them out.  I also have no problems showering and washing my hair now.  I still don't do it as often as I should, but that's because of anticipatory anxiety from the memories of how horrendous it used to be, but once I get in there now, I'm fine.  I'm also quite relaxed driving again.

 

Its 5:30pm here now, and apart from feeling a little light headed and a bit tired, I'm ok.  Why can't I wake up like this?  What happens to my brain and nervous system during the early hours of the morning?  I'm like a vampire- daylight hurts.  But its not the light, because staying in a darkened room doesn't make any difference, as long as the sun is up, I'm feeling awful.

 

It looks like I've survived another week of protracted antidepressant withdrawal  

[Addax]

It does indeed sound like some major improvements have mad their way into your life. Maybe slow to appear, but very significant! And even better that you can push the curtains of withdrawal aside and see them.

 

This is what really bothers me.  Today, I did a whole lot of things which just a few months ago would have had me experiencing high levels of physical arousal (anxiety symptoms).  But today, I was floating above my body, not really experiencing anything, the complete opposite, if other people hadn't have responded to me, when I talked to them, I would have concluded that I was a ghost, that's what it felt like.  So, from one extreme to the next.  At least now that I'm home again, the panic and claustrophobia hasn't come back.

When I read this (above) I thought to myself that it almost seemed like your body and brain were protecting itself and you. Or like it was designing it's own progression without letting you in on the plan. As if your body and brain designed your day as a step down from the anxiety usually elicited by going to the mall. The complete opposite of going to the mall full of anxiety might actually be going to the mall with so much enthusiasm and calm that you might have ended up skipping from store to store, hugging store clerks and strangers, and laughing along the way. Which in and of itself would be highly activating and exhausting. Instead it seems like your body took a logical step forward by simply letting you experience and observe the mall without having to be overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts at any extreme. It's like you progressed to the middle and to a place where you can take time to look around and check things out; as I suppose ghosts would be able to do. That could be the name of one of the chapters in your book: Ghost in a Mall.

[alex]

Dear Petu, at aprox.1 year off, you are starting to see (feel) hints of recovery.

As time goes by, the windows will get better and longer.

You are drug free, that is very important, and your recovery albeit slow,is on schedule.

Hang in there.

At almost 2 years off, I'm not out but much better.

Terror days are gone.

You will get there.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I'm not sure if I should ask you this here, or on your thread, I will try here. What came first, the lowering of your magnesium dose or getting more active in your job?  I'm wondering, because even though you haven't been writing much lately, I get the impression that you may be feeling a bit better, and it seemed to happen after you lowered your dose of magnesium.

 

Here is ok. I hope I can write something meaningful and not give up before I get it out....

 

They seem to have happened at the same time. I remember going to the job and carrying out tasks, like doing the accounting, and feeling as though I was looking at myself performing, from the outside. I had started to work on their website at home, a task I had been dreading because it involved the computer and I had really started to hate everything computer-related. But for some reason, I told myself I had to do it and when I logged in and began to read and do a few things, the lesson (very brief) that I had been given months ago, came back and the more I tried, the more I understood. I had been so reluctant to attempt it because I was positive I couldn't remember anything. It is a wordpress site and from what little I knew about WP, you can do web pages w/o knowing how to code HTML.

 

So I found myself doing more at home and also going into the job earlier and earlier in the day. During the bad part of wd, I couldn't leave the house before noon. Somewhere in there I remember lowering my mag dose and gradually realized I was feeling less 'sick', doing more and feeling less panicky and not as consumed with doom-ful thoughts. A lot of this started right around the time I had that 'thought' that I would eventually recover, I wrote about that in my thread.

 

As I was reading your thread and you wrote this:

 

 

There have been two definite improvements I've noticed over the last few weeks.  I can manage to watch TV, for a little while in the evenings without being too disturbed by the commercials and news headlines, I have been able to tune them out.  I also have no problems showering and washing my hair now.  I still don't do it as often as I should, but that's because of anticipatory anxiety from the memories of how horrendous it used to be, but once I get in there now, I'm fine.  I'm also quite relaxed driving again.

 

I started thinking that you are recovering too. That is how it happened with me. The noticing that I was doing things without the usual associated bad thoughts or feelings (I wrote about enjoying a shower for the first time in a long time). And I am starting to forget, for long periods of time, that I am going to be alone one of these days, that my mom will die and I will be all by myself. My thoughts used to be consumed all of the time with thoughts like that. It is like the past, present and future were all happening at the same time and none of it felt good.

 

I still do not have any feelings of pleasure. I learned enough WP that I created and uploaded a special event website for them and I do not have any feelings of accomplishment about it whatsoever. But I just feel 'less bad' about things in general. I am not recovered by any stretch of the imagination but I can see that it is going to happen, and I am worlds better than I was. People around me noticed something and told me about it. They heard something in my voice. I am going to finish writing about this in my own thread but before I do I want to put forward a hypothesis about what happened.

 

There had to be a certain level of recovery, physical recovery. And there had to be something to catch my interest or provide a framework for 'doing'. Up until that time I could not make myself do ANYTHING. No crafts, no nothing. Since I have started the 'doing' at that job, my craft mojo has come back and I have created some more jewelry. I remember reading Jemima's story and it seemed like the same sort of thing happened to her. There was some 'doing', even reluctantly, and persistence at it until something takes hold and then it takes over and we get propelled up out of the muck of wd into another level. My sleep became less fragile during this time too.

 

So it will be interesting to see how our journeys go. Something is changing with you too, I think. I have no idea how to encourage others to get to this place too, and why it takes so long for it to happen. I don't think I should have reached this level so soon and don't know why I did. Only I really know how sick I really was. But I know what I did almost every day since last Nov.: I took a walk, I ate 3 meals a day, I rested in bed from 10p to 7a, and distracted myself with endless days of computer games. And please forgive me for saying this: I did not give in to suicidal urges and off myself. I sure wanted to, believe me, you'll never know how badly. I am still getting those thoughts, but they are fleeting.

 

I'll go back to my thread now. My expression apathy seems to have cleared a bit after posting here. Thanks, Petu.

[mattinsmom]

I find that I watch myself when I am doing something that would normally be too big, especially if I would have had another person's support in the past but am doing it alone. Happens every week when I buy groceries. It is a very strange sensation. 

 

I understand feeling alone and I understand the question of if it is time to just accept where I am at and to stop trying to get "better". I remember being very angry at a therapist, years ago, for saying that we would "fix" something (can't remember what) and answering that I wasn't broken. 

 

Maybe it isn't a matter of better, maybe it is just a degree of comfort. 

[Petunia]

Maybe it isn't a matter of better, maybe it is just a degree of comfort. 

 

I've been thinking about this all week, on and off and I think it might be the truth, for me anyway.

 

Anyone who has been following my thread from the beginning would know that my mother visits me twice a week.  She comes over Wednesday and Sunday afternoons for between 1 - 2 hours.  Last time she came over she told me that I'm not getting better, that I'm getting worse.  I used to make sure that I was dressed in day clothes when I knew she was coming over, it seemed to make her happier, more relaxed.  But I stopped worrying about it, if I'm not going out anywhere, I dress for warmth and comfort and often that means staying in my nice new pajamas.  I love wearing comfortable clothes these days, thick, warm fluffy socks (its winter here).  Very slowly I'm starting to settle down into an understanding that I might, actually be safe now.  Not in the mornings, still never early in the day, but by mid afternoon, more often than not I'm realizing that I'm actually ok and that I'm comfortable.

 

For now, this might be enough.  I'm starting to understand that perhaps for me, its best I  let go of my desire to be 'better' and kindly let myself benefit from some comfort.  I can't remember feeling truly comfortable in the world before, ever, not even as a child.  Its been one, long struggle for survival, perhaps I haven't been fighting for my life the whole time, but its felt that way, emotionally. I've just never felt safe or accepted.  Always expecting that something is about to go wrong, because it usually did.  But I got good at picking myself up and putting myself back together and moving forward always forward, towards something 'better'.

 

But now, I don't think I want anything better.

 

The battery in my mouse just died.  I buy cheap batteries and don't switch my mouse off, so they usually last about 10 days.  So I have to change the battery often.  A year ago, when the battery would die, I would experience a surge of panic and start sweating, my heart would beat faster and I would feel overwhelmed and not certain that I would be able to fix what felt like a life threatening problem. 

 

Well, I just got up and opened a new pack of batteries, I wandered into the kitchen to find some scissors to open the pack.  I noticed the feeling of the floor below my thickly cushioned feet, it was nice.  I was reminded of choosing the flooring for this house, over 2 years ago, I was in acute withdrawal and in a terrible state with no confidence for what I was having to do, but just going ahead and doing what I needed to do anyway.  I had been having trouble finding flooring which would work for my situation, I knew what I wanted it to look like, but there were some problems, lots of problems actually.  If anyone has had to renovate an entire house in one go, everything, kitchen, bathroom, flooring, you would know that there are lots of things which need to be worked out.  Many opportunities for things going wrong.  The place was in such a bad state it had to be stripped back to a shell.  Anyway, when I found the perfect flooring, within my budget, which hadn't yet been put out on display in the store, I actually couldn't believe my luck.

 

Its really weird what makes me feel happy these days, not many things do yet, I'm still very anhedonic, but walking around on my floor with socks on and feeling it beneath my feet sometimes makes me feel happy.  This is my floor, I chose it because I wanted it.  I bought it, paid for it and had it put down.  Now I can walk around on it in my socks and pajamas and if anyone else doesn't like it, that's too bad.

 

So anyway, I was calmly walking into the kitchen, enjoying my floor and changing the battery in my mouse.  I noticed that I was content and not anxious and quite confident that I could handle this little problem.  This was progress, for that moment I was feeling happy and safe in my own skin, changing the battery in my mouse.  Maybe this is as good as its going to get?  I'm free, I'm safe, I can feed myself, I don't have to worry about trying to please someone else and if my mother thinks there is something wrong with me because I'm still wearing my nightwear at 3 in the afternoon, then that's her problem, not mine.

 

I joined a support forum for survivors of abusive relationships.  I can't read the other stories there because they trigger me, it took me a day to figure that out.  So I've been spending a little time writing about my own story.  I think its been therapeutic, but also difficult.  I seem to be ready to accept letting go of a bit more denial about what my life has really been like.

 

I have a headache, but I don't really care.  I don't have any idea what to have for dinner and its getting late, I'm not hungry, but that's ok.  Another week has almost gone and I've done nothing significant, spent most of it alone, keeping myself occupied the best I can.  The highlight of my week was buying some dark organic chocolate covered ginger and finding out I can eat 2 small pieces without it increasing my symptoms.

 

I'm still not going out very often, but I think its now got more to do with it being cold and uncomfortable and cold and windy and cold and raining and there just seems no point in making myself go out if I really don't need to when I can stay here and be more comfortable.

 

I keep remembering the year or so when my husband and I were separated, but he still kept coming home on the weekends.  He had become more controlling than ever.  I was taking Lexapro and Phentermine, not knowing there was a major interaction.  It was changing my personality and I was behaving completely out of character, taking risks I never would have considered.  In hindsight, I can see how my changing personality was triggering my ex-husband's behavior. I had always been very easy to control, but this drug combination turned me into someone else.   Looking back I can see what a dangerous situation I was in.  I remember often being scared for my life, but it was like I was being driven by an out of control energy and I hardly slept for most of the year, probably getting about 4 hours a night.  I accepted a job doing something which was so far out of my character I still can't believe I did it, but at the time it seemed exciting and a great opportunity.

 

Now I'm drug free, free to be me and once my symptoms have gone for the day I can be content with very little.  Unfortunately, I still have no idea who I really am now, but I'm getting used to that too.

 

I think I have put my nervous system through too much for one lifetime, it needs this rest.  I honestly don't know if its capable of getting much better, but its starting to get comfortable again, maybe that's the first step.

[tezza]

Hi Petu,

 

It sounds like you are doing really good now, in spite of any leftover symptoms.

 

I'm happy for you, being drug free!

 

Hugs!

[areyouthere]

You sound great Petu!!

 

So often we are taught or conditioned or have modeled for us that there is sooooooo much more to life than simply being comfortable OR that the definition of being "comfortable" is soooooo much more than warm, comfy slippers on a cool morning. I'm on your side of the fence here… comfy slippers and all. 

 

I believe that when we are well enough to be self aware of our every momentary existence and how in that simple existence we are feeling "comfortable" it is a powerful form of self healing. In my opinion this is a great gift that not a lot of people take advantage of or are even aware of.

 

It may sound crazy, but in a funny sort of way I feel lucky to have discovered it even though I've gone through some hell to find it.

 

Wishing you continued comfort,

RU

[alex]

Petu: you are getting better.I can tell you this because I can relate to many things you say.

It is a darn slow process, but once it starts, it continues until our resilient wise bodies get balance again.

Keep on going, you're doing great!

 

Hugs, A.

[mattinsmom]

You say that another week has gone by and you haven't done anything. I beg to differ. You felt your carpet under your feet. You were more alive in that moment than I dare say many people are in a lifetime. We (humans) are so busy looking everywhere outside of ourselves to find that next better thing while never looking at where we are standing. You honored your truth, enjoyed the decadence of chocolate, came to an understanding with a part of your past, made your own decisions based on your wants, needs, and comfort - I say you did quite a lot this week. 

[Petunia]

Thank you everyone for your lovely encouragement, it really cheered me up yesterday.  Unfortunately I think I've put myself back in a bad wave by trying seriphos again.  I was reading the lowering cortisol thread yesterday, about how seriphos had been helpful to many people, but when I had tried it just under a year ago, it had made me worse.  I thought I would try it again, seeing as I seem to be somewhat better or at least more stable.

 

I took one last night before going to sleep.  That was good, my sleep felt like it was deeper, I woke up slightly more often than normal, but when I did, I didn't feel so much awake, there were no surges of panic like there usually is, it was like what it used to feel like waking up in the night, no big deal, just go back to sleep.

 

I woke up suddenly at 5am like I usually do, thoughts racing, so I took another one, hoping to be able to go back to sleep and head off the morning cortisol surges.  I didn't completely go back to sleep, but I wasn't feeling as bad as I usually do that time of the morning.  But when I did wake up properly and get up, it was like I had fallen down into a deep pit.  I'm feeling worse than I have in a long time, its scaring me.  I've got a return of bad symptoms and the secondary fear on top.

 

I'm trying to remind myself that its a reaction to the seriphos and that it will end soon.  I hope it is.  I probably should have just taken the one before going to sleep.

 

Big sigh. I'm scared and depressed and want my life back.

 

I'm scared to drink decaffeinated tea now.  I had noticed that even that was making my heart beat too fast.  So I took my ginger tea out into the sun to drink it and the neighbors dog was barking, non-stop.  I bashed on the fence a couple of times, but it wouldn't stop.  I couldn't deal with it, so came back inside.  I need to go and buy some food, been putting it off for 2 days.  I'm feeling annoyed that I have to keep eating, it seems pointless usually.  Today, everything is seeming like its too much again.  Two days ago there was a glimmer of hope and last night, I was able to feel that normal waking up in the night feeling which I haven't experienced in several years, but it was the seriphos.  Everything I try seems to give with one hand, but take with the other.

 

Now the irrational thoughts are starting.  I'm being punished because I wasn't grateful enough for being happy with my floor, that should have been enough, but I wanted more.  Nausea and dizziness are back.  I'm feeling trapped in a nightmare existence, trapped in my own malfunctioning body, alone with nothing or no one able to help.

 

Other people want to help, other people try to help.  But in my situation, nothing seems to help and then others back away because not being able to help reminds us of our own helplessness, which we would rather not face.  I try to help myself and am reminded of my own helplessness, but I can't back away from myself, so I have to sit in my helplessness waiting for the unknown.

 

I was just reading an old thread about someone who recovered after 7 years I think it was, someone had posted a link to it in a recent post.  I had read it before and remembered the first time I read it, feeling comforted by the diet advice.  Keep it simple, things like eggs, bananas and vegetables.  I ate my last half banana yesterday, I had made a sandwich out of it with some organic almond butter.  I need to buy more bananas.  But then reading the thread again made me despondent.  I've been eating bananas and eggs and avocardos for over a year now, and today I'm feeling worse than ever.......  I think I have more to write, but for some reason, my computer decided to press its own post button early.....(editing)

[alex]

 

I took one last night before going to sleep.  That was good, my sleep felt like it was deeper, I woke up slightly more often than normal, but when I did, I didn't feel so much awake, there were no surges of panic like there usually is, it was like what it used to feel like waking up in the night, no big deal, just go back to sleep.

 

I woke up suddenly at 5am like I usually do, thoughts racing, so I took another one, hoping to be able to go back to sleep and head off the morning cortisol surges.  I didn't completely go back to sleep, but I wasn't feeling as bad as I usually do that time of the morning.  But when I did wake up properly and get up, it was like I had fallen down into a deep pit.  I'm feeling worse than I have in a long time, its scaring me.  I've got a return of bad symptoms and the secondary fear on top.

 

It is hard to tell when you are in early wd, what is a bad reaction or just the waves and windows pattern.

But, I can relate so much to what you are saying because it happened to me too.

I used to take Seriphos 100mg before bed for the first lets say 18 months.I really don`t know if it helped or not; but, I remember doing exactly what you did, taking another one in the morning to get some more sleep and have a bad reaction.

My theory is that your disregulated system fights to take control and that makes the chaos even worse.

I don`t take anything anymore because the terror nights and mornings are very much over for me.

But my advise is don`t try to take control of wd, especially in the morning, when cortisol surges are so powerfull.

I wish I could express myself better in english, but I think you understand.

I`ve learned that especially in early wd, there is NOTHING we can take to control the chemical chaos.

TIME dear Petu, time will do the trick.

I 've been there; I know.It is much better now.

I am not well, but terror days are gone.

I can relate so much with your process, and I know you are on your way to recovery, just a little behind me.

 

Hang in there.

[trouper]

I'm pretty sure phosphatidyl serine sets me back as well. I've taken it twice and went into waves both times (6 months apart).  it sucks because it seems so many people in withdrawals benefit. i thought i was the only one who didn't respond well to it. you didn't take too much so hopefully this wave won't last long. i try to think that after we feel better from waves, we healed a little more and built up a little more resiliency, especially from the bad ones...

don't beat yourself up over trying something that may have helped you ease the discomfort of withdrawal. as alto says, a lot if this is trial and error and we all do it. you've been healing and making progress so its rational you wanted to see if your system could benefit from it now. we get caught up in reading what other people in our situation have tried and what has helped them. its logical to think we may benefit as well.

as for the food, keep eating the good stuff. it may seem like its pointless but if you think about it, you may have been a lot worse if you've been eating crappy this whole time. the good food is helping your body nudge you along the correct path, or at least keeping you from feeling worse! i think about that myself sometimes but just assure myself helping my body and staying more stable is better in the long run. hang tight my friend. windows and waves, windows and waves...

[mattinsmom]

Big chemical change (seriphos) in a short time = feeling crappy. You made a mistake. So be it. You are going to feel crappy for a little while. So be it. I ate pizza rolls and chocolate cake the other night and woke up with the shi**. It happens. I felt crappy (no pun intended) and it passed. This is a temporary thing. You don't have to give it so much weight. 

 

I do hear your frustration with trying so hard and feeling that step back that always seems to come. I am sorry for that. It is a painful place to be. I hope that your body settles down quickly. 

[mattinsmom]

And I don't mean that as dismissive or harsh. Inflection doesn't come thru via typing. I am hoping that you cut yourself a little slack, just like you would any of the rest of us. Imagine my arms wrapped around you, hugging you as you hear those words. It is going to be ok. 

[Petunia]

Thank you again everyone who replied, it has helped me to realized that it most likely was the seriphos and that I'm still very sensitive.  I hope so because if that was just a random wave, at this stage, it was very scary.  My day actually went from bad to worse after I posted yesterday and last night was as bad as its ever been, I was so scared.

 

After posting yesterday I got so angry with myself for letting myself be controlled by symptoms that I decided I would ignore how I was feeling and go out and do my shopping.  I thought maybe it would do me good to get out among the saturday morning shoppers.  It took me 15 minutes of driving around to find a parking spot.  But once I got into the mall, I calmed down a little and shopped for my groceries and a few other things, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, which was surprising. I only got the urge to leave everything and come home twice.  I was only experiencing moderate DP/DR, its been much worse.

 

I came home, put the groceries away, did a few little chores I had been putting off, got something to eat and sat down to watch a video, feeling quite proud of myself for having overcome my symptoms and carried on anyway.

 

But half way through the video, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with exhaustion, I literally couldn't sit up any longer or keep my eyes open.  So I shut it off and laid down, immediately the waves of physical anxiety started, as they usually do if I lay down during the day, but I didn't have any choice so I stayed there.  Eventually they settled down and I actually fell asleep, this rarely happens during the day.  I slept lightly for about 2 hours and woke up happy that I had been able to sleep, it had seemed like a sign of improvement or recovery, but then out of nowhere, I had this incredible pain in the left side of my neck and tension spreading across my shoulders and before I knew it I had a migraine with all its sound and vision sensitivities, nausea etc.

 

I've had migraines before, but this was a 10 and nothing was helping to reduce the pain.  I used to take pain relieving drugs when I got them, but not any more.  So yesterday I tried drinking some water, laying in a darkened room, gentle stretches, pain relieving sound frequencies.  Every little movement hurt.  I was so scared, I was alone and in pain and confused.  I don't think it was a real migraine, it came on too fast, it seemed different.

 

It wasn't helping, but I was listening to various migraine meditation and music videos on youtube, it kept me from spiraling into panic. This went on most of the afternoon.  Then I found a Jody Whiteley sleep hypnosis for pain video and tried that, I was asleep within 10 minutes and when I woke up 2 hours later, the migraine and pain were completely gone.  It was 8:30pm.

 

Today I don't feel too bad, but I'm shaken and a bit shocked, that was a very bad wave, I'm so glad its over, but my confidence has taken another hit. My confidence in my recovery has been set back again.  But my confidence in being able to handle pain and suffering has increased, I'm getting better at staying in the moment, accepting what I can't control, and having faith that it will eventually pass.

 

Its stormy today.  Dark, overcast, windy with thunder grumbling in the background.  I wish I was part of a big, warm, loving family, instead of a broken off fragment of one which was never particularly warm or loving to begin with.  But realistically, I think those perfect families only exist on TV during holiday season.

 

I'm glad the pain in my head went away.

[trouper]

great job reframing your thoughts and being proud of yourself i need to work on that myself.

hopefully the big wave and neurological event were things shifting around for the good. a few months ago i had a lot of zappy, neurological stuff going on in my head that peaked but when it ended, i had a pretty good window. i like to think the larger waves do more healing than the smaller ones. that thinking helps me tolerate it when going through them.

[WinningThrough]

Hello Petu.

 

I've spent the last couple of days reading your thread. You write beautifully.

 

From what I've read, you seem to be getting better. You may not feel this but I can sense the improvement through your posts.

 

You've come a long way and you're coping so well. You've come to my thread and offered support, even though you've been suffering so much, and this means a lot to me. Thank you.

 

I'm wishing you continued healing and sending a gentle hug.

[Petunia]

great job reframing your thoughts and being proud of yourself

 

hopefully the big wave and neurological event were things shifting around for the good.

 

Thank you trouper, I'm much better at reframing and being proud of myself later in the day.  I think you may be right about my latest big wave, my brain seems to have calmed down again, possibly more so than before.  I've learned my lesson about throwing strange substances in there, maybe it would have been ok before, but my nervous system is obviously still very sensitive to small changes.

 

I've spent the last couple of days reading your thread....

.....From what I've read, you seem to be getting better. You may not feel this but I can sense the improvement through your posts.

 

Thank you for reading my thread WT, and well done for getting through it all.  Thank you for your encouragement, I probably need to read back through it all myself.

 

Sending a gentle hug back.

 

[tezza]

Hi Petu,

 

I'm sorry I haven't been here for so long but I'm trying to catch up. I know I can't possibly read everything but I'm reading the most current pages for now.

 

Your post on the fourth touched my heart! I'm sorry you were feeling so low and hope you are feeling a bit better by now. I can definitely relate to the feelings you were having...depressed, scared and irrational thoughts. Also, I have thoughts often of being punished.

 

I'm sorry to hear the phosphatidylserine had a bad effect on you. It does seem to help some but not all. As for the barking dog, well, that would've bother most people, I'm sure. Putting off going out for food...I'm so thankful I have a partner that will stop for things we need on his way home. He used to go, alone, to buy groceries but, at some point, he started insisting that I go with.

 

For Thanksgiving 2012, he planned a dinner for the 'family' (eight adults and three children). That's the first time he sorta made me go and I was SO miserable. Many on here have to go places alone and that's something I seldom do and really hope to be able to do again.

 

You are so helpful to so many struggling people on the forum and should give yourself a pat on the back for that. You are an excellent writer, by the way. I'm very glad you accepted the invite to become a mod. You and mammaP (if I recall) became mods about the same time and you've both been very helpful.

[dalsaan]

Dear Petu

 

It does sound like the PS set you off. However, reading over your posts this month I think you are on the right track. I think the flooring moment was important. It tells you how safe and comforting it is to be in the here and now-feeling what's under your feet- rather than engaging the past or projecting onto the future. I think being conscious of and content with the small stuff is key.

 

Thanks for posting. It's a good reminder for me

 

Dalsaan

[lobster]

Good morning Petu :-) dropping in to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you are feeling as good as you can.

[bubble]

wow Petu! that was some wave!

 

I'm learning so much from you. Whenever I feel very bad I remember how bravely you stand in the face of the scary symptoms (even if you don't feel brave, you are). I also remember all the little things you mobilise to ease things like finding all those videos until you finally came across the one that did the trick or the migraine simply went off its own. 

 

I apologise for putting on you a burden of a role model or a source of inspiration but I can't help it

 

And you have these beautiful, slightly ironic endings to your posts such as the one about big, loving family existing only on TV during holiday season. Very true. I actually think all our families are loving but most of them are very bad at showing it...

[Rhiannon]

Petu, I've just been catching up with your thread, and as always I so appreciate your writing and your thoughts. 

 

What you said in the post about being comfortable and letting that be enough--I can relate so much to everything in that post. I too have always been fighting, struggling, and now and then I realize that even though compared to my coworkers and friends my life seems pretty spare and lacking, I am actually safer and happier now than I have ever been in my life. I guess that's the advantage of having such a sucky life, it sure gives you a sense of proportion! :-)

 

And I am always working on: let it be enough. Yes, I'm lonely, I want more money, I want more challenging work, I want a lover, I want more excitement and friends and things to do--but really there is so much that's just fine. I have a nice garden, I have a great landlord, I have a very comfortable living space, my job pays me as much as I need to be comfortable and eat well, my job is very secure and I like my coworkers and don't hate the work, my kids love me (albeit from afar), I have friends (maybe not as many as I would like, but I do have friends now, and they don't seem to be going away). I live in a place that's very beautiful, with breathtaking scenery about half an hour's drive away. Other than withdrawal I am very healthy. In fact I am entirely comfortable, more so than I've ever been in my life.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts, your words, your journey, and your wisdom.

[mattinsmom]

How is this weekend treating you? 

[alex]

Petu I just wanted to stop by and say hello and to tell you that I admire you so much for your wonderful work helping people in this site despite your suffering.

You are my hero.

 

Hugs, A.

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Petu:

I'm rooting for you too. I searched "flashbacks" and your thread came up so I read where u wrote about them in March.

I appreciate your sharing and am having them now. Are we having fun yet? argh

Peace

[Petunia]

Thank you Amy, Alex and EO for your posts.

 

I had a really bad wave hit me yesterday around 5am.  Worst one in a long time, it took me right back to earlier days spent laying in bed, shaking, terrified, struggling to hang on through each moment.  It lasted most of the day.  There was nothing different I did which could have caused it. 

 

It was so intense that none of my usual methods were working to distract me or calm me.  Everything I tried to read, triggered a worse response.  Games had the same effect, I had no ability to focus on breathing.  My brain was suddenly in the most extreme state of chaos, caused by intense fight/flight response going on in my body for no obvious reason.  I was desperately trying to figure out what to do to calm myself, but nothing was working.  The feeling of complete chaos, going on in my body and life was threatening to overwhelm me. 

 

I needed to do some washing, it felt like a matter of life and death that I get it done, so I forced myself to concentrate hard enough to remember the process of washing clothes.  I was silently praying that today not be the day the washing machine decides to break.  I rinsed some dishes that were in the sink and noticed that the water wasn't going down, it felt like an overwhelming disaster, it wasn't long ago that I had got the plumbing fixed.  I grabbed the plunger thing from the laundry, and managed to clear the blockage, whatever it was, but I was left with a growing sense of disturbance.  Since getting the plumbing fixed, I've been very careful not to let anything go down the sink, it seemed weird.

 

By early afternoon, I had managed to find an audio track on youtube which was helping slightly.  Most things created to induce peace  were having a paradoxical effect.  Calm voices were sounding ominous and threatening, the various sound frequencies used to induce relaxed states were sounding like background tracks in horror movies.  But eventually I found something which helped and I dosed off into a light sleep, but woke suddenly with my heart pounding, the room spinning.   I didn't know where I was, who I was, I had lost all sense of space and time.  I was trapped in a nightmare, my body and mind locked into a state of fear and tension, waiting for the unknown evil, bad thing to jump out at me from wherever it was currently hiding.  I needed to stay awake and prepared.  Well that's what my body was telling me.  I knew that I needed to relax, but my body was having none of it.  I put on lots of clothes and tried walking to the end of my street, towards the park.  But I didn't want to be out there, it was windy and it started to rain again.  I didn't want to be anywhere, I just wanted to find an escape from the nightmare.

 

My Mum arrived and I told her I was having a bad day.  She stayed a couple of hours.  I was struggling to be able to say anything or make conversation.  She told me in detail about her weekend away, she didn't have a very good time.  My sense of unreality went through the roof, I was in the most intense state of anguish and psychological pain a  person can experience and here I was, listening emphatically and trying to be supportive.  But everything she told me, seemed to increase my own anxiety, it was like I was experiencing it all, it was just adding to my own stress, I could feel it so I tried to create some emotional distance.  It was impossible, there was no solution.  Part of me was outside of me, watching it all unfold.  I was like a fragmented person, with bits flying off in all directions, desperately trying to keep track of all the pieces and all the while, something was calmly watching.  A part of me knew that it was good to have the company, some human contact keeping me in touch with reality.  But which reality?  Not a reality which is available to me at the moment. Or is it?  One of my fragments still refuses to believe this is actually happening to me.

 

Its quite cold here now, so I keep a heater on low through the day and wear plenty of clothes. But yesterday the alternating chills and flashes of heat kept going all day.  Usually they only last for a few hours from about 5am to mid morning.

 

By evening, I had settled down, thankfully.  But the shock has added stress.  I'm confused and frightened.  If that was my nervous system doing a backwards loop as part of its recovery, it seems counter productive.  It caused me a whole lot more stress and added trauma, increased my sense of helplessness and vulnerability.  Reminded me of the unpredictable nature of my life, all life.

 

Thinking about this now, to write it, is bringing it back slightly, which isn't good, but I want to document it.  One of the worst things about it was the sense of being completely trapped in it, with no control and the fear that this time, it wasn't going to end.  There was a distant thought, a possibility really, that this was a temporary wave.  In the state I was in, it was impossible to believe it.  My rational mind was now a mere shadow dancing on someone else's wall, I could see it, but there seemed no connection with me.

 

Whatever it was, its gone now, but I'm left shocked, re-traumatized, scared and confused.  I wasn't expecting to experience anything so bad again, especially without an obvious trigger.  I need to go out today to do some grocery shopping, but I can feel that the agoraphobia has increased again now as a result of yesterday.  I know that getting back out there, doing what I need to do to take care of myself is the best thing for me, but the urge to self protect by staying home is very strong.  Actually, I don't know anything for certain and the decision making part of my brain has disintegrated into a pile of quivering mush.

 

My body has become chaotic and unpredictable, it's effecting my emotions, thoughts and behavior. I have little control left over anything, from moment to moment, I can't be sure what my experience of life is going to be like from one moment to the next, so staying home, where I can control at least a few aspects of what happens, seems safer, kinder.

 

Something I've noticed happening a lot lately is that I've been getting that deja vu feeling, like as if I've lived through all this before in another lifetime.  Maybe not all of it, but at least parts.