☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[Petunia]

I'm glad that you went for milk, you achieved something and now I have decided to go to the postbox....

in the rain. I may even walk to visit an elderly neighbour who has called in on me and return the 

gesture. You have inspired me so thank you.  

 

It gave me a small rush of happiness to read that I had inspired you MammaP.  I imagined you walking out in the rain to the post box and I realized that it doesn't matter how small our daily achievements are, but that we are able to inspire and support each other to keep reaching for those little achievements, one after another.  There have been times when I have read about something challenging someone has attempted and it has inspired me to get up and do something I have been avoiding, so thank you for letting me know.

 

I also can't stop thinking how you writing this and we reading it gives us humanity at times when we might appear to others (and ourselves) as empty and broken shells or biblical vessels. This brokeness is just an appearance underneath which your writing reveals our strength pulsating.

 

Thank you for recognizing and articulating this Bubble. I think that in our culture there is a lot of hidden strength and incredible value which gets lost or ignored because of outward appearances, ignorance and misunderstanding.  I first became aware that this was a situation which stretched beyond my own personal experience when I started watching videos from the 'bipolarorwakingup' youtube channel.  It brought back shocking memories of when I was trying to explain to a psychiatrist what was going on in my experience from my perspective.  I knew, without a doubt that there was meaning and value in what I was trying to share with him.  I recognized that below the surface chaos, there was symbolic order and that something quite miraculous was going on.  I found it frightening and unbelievable that he wasn't interested in the details of what I was experiencing.  I thought that as a psychiatrist, he would be interested in learning something new from the strange way my mind was suddenly functioning.  I was naive and had yet to learn what psychiatrists really are, or rather what they have become.  It infuriates me how western culture automatically pathologises not only non-ordinary experiences, but normal human emotions and experiences too, if they attract attention or cause some problem or inconvenience.

 

Thank you for writing about your childhood experience with your grandmother.  I'm so sorry you didn't get the care and nurturing that you needed.

 

Have you read Running With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes? It is a collection of myths from across the world & cultures regarding women & the part they play in the myth. They are surprisingly similar… the messages we receive from the societies we live in and the way we tend to heal our wounds from early integrating those controlling messages in order to release our true inner selves.

 

RU… a member of your tribe. 

 

Yes, I have that book.  I bought it maybe 7 years ago.  I'm not sure if I read the whole book, but I remember a story called something like 'skeleton woman'.  It made a huge impression on me, touching me in a very deep and frightening place, it felt like it was speaking personally to me, trying to teach me something I needed to know.  I think I may have stopped reading it after that.  Unfortunately, most of my books are packed away in storage, otherwise I would find it and read that story again now.

 

 

Whose to say you weren't given a gift a being able to glimpse into another place? And it's only my opinion formed by my own interpretation, but it doesn't sound like your experience is a loss touch with reality, but an experience of something along with reality... If that makes sense.

 

A quote I read recently just came to mind- "You, he said, are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain." I don't know who said it or wrote it...

 Thank you for saying that Addax and I love the quote, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  .... and, what your friend said about using the word 'the' rather than anything else makes a lot of sense.  Its hard to believe but at times, using words like peace and calm have sent my thoughts spiraling into dark places.

 

One question-do you see the "space between"? I have been able to my whole life. It's a mixed blessing and most certainly not mental illness.

 

 

If this is what I think it is, and I'm not sure it is, because language is so subjective, but I think I do.  Do you mean the space between or behind the flow of our mental concepts of what reality appears to be, but really isn't?  That empty space from which everything arises and dissolves back into?  If that's what you mean, I can't say that I've been able to see it my whole life, even though I know its been there my whole life.  Its sort of flowed into my awareness at times, but then left again.  It seems to be where I am more of the time now, in the space, and that's the only time when I can feel peace.  But even writing about it like that isn't accurate because by saying that 'I' am in that space, it suggests that there is an 'I' there, so that negates that its an empty space.  Its only a genuine space when I"m not even there, and that's what I mean.  I disappear and there is only the space, and that's nice and peaceful.

 

Petu, I know it's horrible, and I know this is hard to imagine, but I have seen other people go through this same depth and intensity of pain and suffering in withdrawal, although rarely has anyone been able to express it with such insight and eloquence. And people come through it, and they recover. You will too. Hang in there.

 

You have said this to me often Rhi and I've needed to hear it every time.  I'm sorry that you have been going through your own withdrawal for so long, but because of it, you have been able to witness so much suffering and recovery and can share this hopeful knowledge with others.  Like everyone else, when a brutal wave hits me, all my faith and hope gets washed away and I'm left to drown in a swirling pool of increased symptoms and an inability to imagine they will ever end.... but they do, they always do.

 

Plato, the philosopher argued that existence is split into two realms - a material realm and a transcendent realm of forms. The former is subject to change and accessed through our senses, the latter is a pure archetype that is permanent, accessible through our mind and from his perspective more real.

 

I'm not sure I completely understand this, I wonder if this is the same as what's sometimes referred to as the 'collective unconscious'.  I've recently been learning about theories that our brain isn't actually the source of our experienced awareness, but a decoder of energies or information which it picks up, sort of like a radio, which can tune into different frequencies.  Perhaps when our brain is tuned into one frequency, we are picking up the material realm through our senses, but then maybe we can pick up other realms which reside on different frequencies at times too.  I'm not sure I agree that one would be more real than the other, no, actually I do agree, permanent forms would seem more real, but I'm not a philosopher so I probably don't know what I'm talking about.  But yes, my 'deeper' non-ordinary experiences have always felt like they have more substance and meaning than what passes for consensual  reality.

 

Petu I was invited out to dinner but I will read your post.....I haven't check in here for awhile and am doing so now..

 

 

I hope you had a nice dinner Nikki and that your recent problems with your daughter are settling down.  As parents, its impossible to not be concerned about our children, no matter how old they get.

 

 I wish I had more than words - something concrete - to help you through your struggles.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse (from both parents) and at the age of 52, ended up on ADs after a complete nervous breakdown caused by my relationship with my mother, who has borderline personality disorder. We were enmeshed in a very sick, co-dependent relationship and, due to a number of circumstances in late 2012, she activated her "witch" side (borderlines don't really have multiple personalities; more like different modalities)

 

 

Your words are more than enough.  Help appears in many forms and sometimes there really isn't anything anyone else can do to alter the circumstances, which is a lot of what's going on here.  But being heard and validated can make the  difference between bearing the full weight of suffering alone, and receiving some small comfort from knowing that we are not really alone if someone else knows what we are going through and cares enough to reach out and say, 'I am here, you are not alone'

 

I read your post on another thread about what happened in the parking lot with your mother, in a weird way, I could relate to what you experienced and your moms behaviour.  When I was in my 20's at times, I think I could have qualified for a diagnosis of BPD.  Years later I tried to convince a psychologist that I did in fact have have that illness, but he refused to accept it and said that I no longer acted that way, so I didn't have it.  I don't think its possible to be raised by disordered people and not have at least the seeds of disorder in our self.  But I no longer see these things as illnesses, just variations of personality, some of them, unfortunately extreme and hurtful to other people.  I have an aunt who I think would get a NPD/HPD label, from a very young age I was always scared of her and though she was a witch. She had this way of suddenly switching personalities in an instant, and then right back again like as if nothing had happened.

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Very short update:

 

Thankfully, that wave seems to have ended. Thank you everyone (my tribe) for your posts over the last couple of days.  I'm not in a window, I've only had what I would describe as a real window twice.  One afternoon about a year ago and one day last February.  So I've gone back to my baseline withdrawal for now.

 

I didn't need to take any taurine this morning.  Cortisol related symptoms started to subside mid afternoon as usual and I'm no longer feeling like I'm on a bad drug trip.  Still feeling a little traumatized by the intensity of it, but happy I survived.

[Athena]

Hi Petu,

 

I am very happy for you that this wave has passed... and that you can go back to your withdrawal process... towards a third window hopefully sooner than later... but that for sure will come!!

 

Sending you winds of hope!

[alex]

That's the way to do it!!

 

Hugs, A.

[dalsaan]

Great to hear things have eased for you

[WinningThrough]

Sending thoughts to you, Petu.

[mattinsmom]

You made it!

 

I think I know of the place you are talking of. For me I call it the nowhere. And, as you said, language is making this difficult.

 

The in-between is a little different for me, tho I have been where you go and at times try really hard to get there. I see the space between things, between drops of rain, between paper and table, between life and death. Its beautiful and sometimes very hard to leave. I was asking because when I first tried to explain it to someone I was called psychogenic. You speak often to being able to see beyond the "normal" range of vision and I know, for me, the places that I see are spiritual. 

 

I don't like the "Matrix" fad happening but it is fairly accurate. Nothing is truly solid. Sometimes I can see the space between. I think that sometimes you might too. 

 

I guess I was really just wanting you to know that I see weird s*** too. 

 

Glad you are having a chance to catch your breath.   

[Nikki]

thank goodness:)

[Petunia]

I think I've had a window this afternoon.  Not just an absence of wave, but a window.  It would be the third one I've had since the end of 2011.  The first one I had was an afternoon in either July or August 2012.  Suddenly, my enthusiasm, creativity and confidence came back and I shopped for some supplies, came home, made a cake and a curtain for our new laundry door.  The second window was on February 18 of this year.  For a few hours I felt like I used to feel, I don't think I did anything different, but I remember having the feeling like I was completely recovered and life felt full of hope and promise again.

 

Today, this afternoon, I've felt a significant change.  I dragged myself out grocery shopping, because I'm not going to have a car for 3 days and needed to do some.  As I was leaving the store, I felt a change in my energy, subtle at first but then as I arrived home, I felt a surge of enthusiasm for life again, I was experiencing some connection with what I was doing moment to moment. The experience of dread and negativity which is usually part of my emotional landscape had gone and I was left with a kind of blank canvass on which I was free to paint a new attitude, or leave it blank.  It was nice to be free from the heavy, dark cloud, I wasn't in a hurry to add anything positive, it seemed like a fragile state and I was trying to be gentle with myself.

 

My life these days mostly consists of doing what absolutely has to be done, and then retiring back to my room and computer where I can hopefully find distraction from the ongoing inner turmoil.  My sensitivity is so extreme that I'm easily triggered by even the most mundane aspects of life, but today, it had changed.

 

I easily put the groceries away and was looking for more things to do.  This was very strange because usually, once I have accomplished what I set out to do, my impulse is to relax and calm myself down, having endured a spike in stress.  But I was full of energy and went back out, did a chore for my daughter and went to another store for items I hadn't been able to get.  I felt like a 'normal' person, walking around, I felt taller and like as if my body was moving gracefully, rather than the way I usually feel, like I'm dragging a heavy weight around, pushing through a thick, sticky fog.

 

I can't say I felt exactly the way I used to feel, there was something missing, the old illusions were gone, replaced by a new clarity and groundedness in the moment, it was peaceful and such a relief to be free from the constant anxiety, dread and feelings of physical tension.

 

My confidence had returned and frustration had been replaced with an enthusiasm for problem solving.   I needed to buy a new container for storing clothes pegs/pins for the washing line.  I bought one which needed some minor assembly, very basic, something your average 6 year old could figure out, but I was still concerned because I have completely lost my ability to problem solve and learn.  But this afternoon, I took the thing out of its package and instead of being overwhelmed with trepidation, I found myself enthusiastically engaged in the small challenge.  I noticed the difference and it felt like a miracle, I was so happy to have this trait back, even if it was temporary.  Its been shocking and traumatic to find myself overwhelmed by even the most basic of challenges for the past few years, I was grateful to be having a positive experience of putting together a plastic peg basket to hang on the washing line.

 

There was something else too..... I needed to buy a packet of kitchen sponges because I had used the last one earlier today, so it was on my list.  This is such a minor thing, but I noticed that I was actually enjoying the process of trying to decide which packet of sponges to buy.  For the past 2+ years, trying to make these simple decisions has been horrendous and almost impossible, there have been many times I've almost been brought to my knees trying to choose between boxes of washing detergent, brands of butter or how many bottles of water to buy.  These decisions have felt like matters of life or death as I've tried to figure out how to function in the world all over again with a broken brain.

 

Losing my ability to learn and problem solve has been very humbling because those were two things I've always known I was good at, they were part of my identity.  But now, I have brain damage and can't think my way out of a wet paper bag    But today I went out twice in one day and assembled a plastic peg basket, so my hope has returned, maybe I will recover fully. 

 

Using the analogy of recovery being like the solving of a rubik's cube........ my brain today: 

 

 

[Rhiannon]

WOO HOO! Yay for windows, yay for peg baskets, yay for Petu!

 

Yes, you will recover fully. It's still there. Just got to give that Rubik's cube a few more twists.

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu

 

Delighted to hear about your window and loved the Rubik's cube at the end. You have recovery in you

 

D x

[Muddles]

So pleased to read this Petu. I really hope it lasts for you.

[WinningThrough]

This is wonderful, Petu! This news comes on a day where I've heard from someone I know who has been suffering treatable from this and recently had her first real window where she felt normal. Now she is getting loads of them!!! I believe you will too.

 

This is such a good sign, Petu. I'm made up for you.

[Athena]

Bravo bravo bravo!!!!

 

My wish for you became true!! Hmm... I'm going to wish many things today!!

[mlrp]

Oh, Petu, SO happy for you (and more hope for me - thank you!) !!

 

Your description of your window sounds exactly like my experience of the few 100% full windows that I have had (including an all-too-brief 10 minutes or so one morning in June). Not only that but your description of your "status quo" existence is also very similar to mine.

 

And, sometimes, when I'm having what I call "window-like" periods, I get that sensation of the fragility of it all. It's almost like the improved feeling in my head is structured like a Jenga tower and ready to topple at the slightest provocation. I literally walk around trying not to move my head too much so that the whole thing comes crashing down. Lately, however, it inevitably does.

 

So, what's with the cognitive and balance skill game analogies?    Clearly, some connection there!

 

Mostly, just very, very happy for you!! Enjoy!

[alex]

YAY!!

I told you,your brain-body never stops healing, and this is a very good sign!

 

Keep walking dear Petu, you are doing great.

 

Hugs,A.

[trouper]

so happy to hear! i'm glad its documented so you can go back and reread it when you don't fell well.

 

i like that you pointed out the 2 different kinds of windows. so happy you are having the full, positive one. i've only had the full one once, in may. the rest are just absence of symptoms.  this is inspiring!

[Fireball2014]

Just want to say "Hang in there with me Petu!"!

[Fireball2014]

We will recover!

[Fireball2014]

You have opened another window!

[Petunia]

...so, my window stayed open until about 10pm, then I had a bad night.  Kept waking up and when I was asleep, I felt like I wasn't.  The next day I woke up feeling like I usually do and was basically crushed, even though I had been reminding myself the window was unlikely to continue, I was still hoping for a miracle.

 

I just want to be better, I want a life back and having one afternoon to remind me of what it used to be like, and then have it taken away again seems so cruel.  I think that since my window on Monday, I might actually be slightly better in general.  Its hard to tell because I'm disheartened and depressed about having it taken away so quickly, so I'm feeling sorry for myself, wondering how much longer this is going to go on for, how I'm going to keep dragging myself through the days, hanging onto hope.

 

Since Monday night, I've been sleeping better, I started using ear plugs again and I haven't been waking up so much, not from sounds or from hot flashes and sweating.  The anxiety, hyper stimulated kinds of symptoms are getting less, but in their place is the anhedonia, apathy, depression and an endless ocean of meaninglessness which surrounds me.

 

In some ways I wish I'd never had such a significant window, having myself back, but then losing myself again so quickly has left me miserable, confused and feeling so completely helpless.  A part of my mind keeps screaming at me "What did you do different to open the window", like as if there really is some way to control this, if only I can figure it out.

 

I went for a long walk yesterday afternoon, its been a while since I walked, its been cold and my motivation just hasn't been there, but yesterday I was so completely desperate and sick of my own lack of movement, I forced myself.  I wish I could write something positive about having made the effort, but no, not really.  The trees didn't turn into monsters, I guess that was a good thing, but I hardly even noticed them.  Didn't notice anything around me really, until my calves started aching, I noticed that and wished I wasn't so far from home.

 

I don't know how I got here to my thread, writing an update, I don't want to be writing about myself, a self which no longer exists.  But something is still here, having this experience, it doesn't want to be, but it is.  I wish I could get to a place of acceptance and stay there. Stay there, stay here?  I don't even know where I am.

 

Having a good, clear window is supposed to be a positive thing.  It was while I was in it.  Now its supposed to have given me hope and some evidence that I'm recovering.  It may very well be a sign of recovery.  But for me, the reality is that its stripped another layer from something which was still hanging on.  Something which desperately needs control in order to keep existing, or to keep believing in its own existence.

 

While I was walking yesterday, already feeling tired and achy, for a few seconds I had the urge to run, to swing my arms around wildly and scream.  I didn't want to be in my body, it was an urge to escape from its limitations, but I kept walking, around the park, around the man made lake, trying to ground myself in the physical reality of existence. 

 

....... there's more I could write, thoughts about Robin Williams, his life, death and how he's now being used to promote a variety of agendas.  The strange dream I had about falling into an alternate universe and being pulled back through an hour glass by an anonymous hand.  My theory about needing to dig even deeper into myself to find genuine acceptance.......

 

but the apathy is too much for me to overcome today

 

Life, it is what it is, and writing about it isn't going to change it, I'm hanging in, hanging on, not going anywhere.  There is a very slight curiosity, wondering where this is all going to end up if I do just keep going the way I am.

 

Today is turning into one of those survival type days, I just need to get through it any way I can, one moment at a time.

 

Maybe there is something I can do.  A poem, I will try and write a poem.  A haiku, I think I can manage that, after I check to make sure I know what one is.

 

Shame drags me deeper

Acceptance beckons me down

To the light of truth

 

...and another

 

too ripe banana

where three tiny flies hover

making me nervous

[mammaP]

As I was reading about your window I was delighted for you. You deserve some good windows Petu,

you've suffered so much yet still come here encouraging others.  I know the feeling when the window closes 

and it feels very cruel,  is it asking too much for more than a few hours of normality and feeling? 

I'm sorry that your window shut tight again and hope with all my heart that it opens again for you soon. 

It is cruel but try and remember that window as something you can meditate on and remember the 

feelings.  You know there will be another one and many more to follow, and I am glad that you had the

brief ones that you have had to reassure you that this will pass.  Biggest squishiest Mamma hug ever. x

[areyouthere]

I love your writing Petu. It so perfectly describes what so many of us feel when doing something as simple a choosing sponges brings us to our knees. And poetry… the perfect language in my opinion.

 

I'm so glad that you had a window and I'm so sorry it closed… such a cruel tease from a mending brain.

 

Take heart… we'll get there.

 

RU <3 <3

 

ps…. I posted this on my Facebook the other day when so many were talking about Robin Williams. It was the first time I was so candid. I hope that in some way it will make you feel less alone.:

Being a sufferer of depression myself, if someone were to ask me during any given episode "but WHY are you depressed?", and I thought about it the answer might be as frivolous as " because I didn't get to town today to pick up dental floss", and then "well WHY didn't you get to town today to pick up dental floss?!", and I would answer "because I'm depressed" and then " but WHY are you depressed" and after some thought, " because I didn't get to town today to pick up dental floss"etc. etc. You see? There is no sense to depression. There is no sense to one taking one's own life. We are always left with only questions. The sooner one lets go of having to find a definitive answer the more relief is found in my opinion. The answer may make no sense anyway. Hell. The answer to my own questions while depressed makes no sense to ME at the time. So I think to myself, what the HELL ????!!! DENTAL FLOSS?? REALLY?!! Yes. It is dental floss today, this time , in this awful moment, it is dental floss and that is OK!!!!!

[mlrp]

Oh, Petu, I'm sorry your window closed.

 

I know when one has been pushed down by a new wave, or even just the tide of "nothing," (equally horrible in its own way), words of comfort can only do so much.

 

I think both of your haiku are beautiful and hold tremendous meaning. You are charting your own path for continued recovery, even though you (sadly) can't feel that now. Every day you are getting closer to the truth of healing. You are hanging on. Even your slight (and slightly dark) curiosity about where this will lead is evidence of the life force within you.

 

I wish I could just wave the whole mess away for you. <<quiet, gentle, healing energy>>

 

P.S. Your fruitfly haiku is perfect. I have so been there.

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

I wasn't around much but I did read about your window and I thought a lot about it (as a miracle of hope). We all know how cruel and disappointing it is to be robbed of it.

 

The only thing that comes to my mind when thinking about this is randomness of it all: a window appearing out of the blue after or in the midst of a brutal and long wave and then a wave striking again for no reason. Like being rocked to and fro on a sharp rocky shore...There are just no reasons, no cause and effect. Maybe that's what makes it so difficult for us. I need to know a cause. I need it badly to get some sense of control. This is so painful: a total lack of control. Like nothing you do will change the course. It's utter hopelessness.

 

But I just see you recovering. If it wasn't for you, I really wouldn't think it possible. I would be too scared by it all. I wouldn't be able to endure it because I would think there would be no return after a certain point. But now I see that we do come back again. I've experienced it myself. However broken we feel, we are put together again. I clearly see you recovering but I wish it wasn't so, so very painful. You are so much here in your haiku, in visiting me...

 

My windows and waves during the reinstatement were totally mild by comparison but I clearly remember how strange those windows would feel at first: like green leaves of spring on the barren branches of winter. Beautiful but so out of place, without some internal motion that would underpin them. Very gradually they started feeling more real. It wasn't just their length that was changing but their quality also. 

 

I just imagine things deep inside you settling in through painful movements of tectonic plates. But you are a beautiful presence to us throughout all of those movements. In all your ups and deeper ups and even deeper ups, I feel you so clearly. Your spirit shines through with equal unwavering strength and clarity.

 

I don't know how to finish now just a very big hug

 

 

I love your writing Petu. It so perfectly describes what so many of us feel when doing something as simple a choosing sponges brings us to our knees. And poetry… the perfect language in my opinion.

 

I'm so glad that you had a window and I'm so sorry it closed… such a cruel tease from a mending brain.

 

Take heart… we'll get there.

 

RU <3 <3

 

ps…. I posted this on my Facebook the other day when so many were talking about Robin Williams. It was the first time I was so candid. I hope that in some way it will make you feel less alone.:

Being a sufferer of depression myself, if someone were to ask me during any given episode "but WHY are you depressed?", and I thought about it the answer might be as frivolous as " because I didn't get to town today to pick up dental floss", and then "well WHY didn't you get to town today to pick up dental floss?!", and I would answer "because I'm depressed" and then " but WHY are you depressed" and after some thought, " because I didn't get to town today to pick up dental floss"etc. etc. You see? There is no sense to depression. There is no sense to one taking one's own life. We are always left with only questions. The sooner one lets go of having to find a definitive answer the more relief is found in my opinion. The answer may make no sense anyway. Hell. The answer to my own questions while depressed makes no sense to ME at the time. So I think to myself, what the HELL ????!!! DENTAL FLOSS?? REALLY?!! Yes. It is dental floss today, this time , in this awful moment, it is dental floss and that is OK!!!!!

 I like it very much what you wrote RU!

[alex]

Oh dear Petu;I am sorry we all have to go through this horrendous path...

Waves and windows;it is the nature of the beast...

You are a brave good woman Petu.

Your resilient body and brain is healing,albeit in a very painful way.

I know, because IT IS happening to me.

 

Sending healing waves ALL the way from Costa Rica to Australia.

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry. The sucky parts of this process can feel so much bigger after a window had been opened. Yay for having a window. Hug to help with the wave, 

[NervousKitten]

Thinking of you Petu! These waves are no fun, but they do end.

[WinningThrough]

How are you feeling, Petu?

[Petunia]

I haven't felt like writing in my thread for a while, but I've been reading all your comments, they mean a lot to me.  Thank you.

 

Sometimes, its difficult to remember anything back past a few minutes ago.  I try and stay in the moment as much as possible because anything else causes painful emotions like anxiety, guilt, sadness, regret.... etc.  My life is nothing like what I would like it to be at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I find staying in the moment is the best way to deal with that reality.

 

But having said that, I do know know that yesterday was very difficult, the details are kind of fuzzy now, thank goodness, but all day long I was filled with feelings of anger, irritation, agitation and almost unbearable restlessness.  I think it was akathisia, no matter what I tried, I couldn't find any relief or peace and nothing was working to distract me either.  I spent most of the day reading something on the internet, it was lots of back posts of a long blog I think.  I was trying to keep myself occupied and distracted enough to get through the day alive, to take the edge off, to stay in my skin.  Several times I was suddenly overcome with feelings of exhaustion with a need to close my eyes and sleep, but each time I started to doze off, sensations of heat and panic surged through me and woke me up, so I got no relief all day.  I had thought I was going to be alone all day, which was good, I didn't have the energy for interacting with anyone else, it took all my strength to get through each awful moment.  Then my mum showed up, unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon.  I told her how I was feeling, so she didn't stay long, but it took every last drop of my emotional strength to stay civil and calm, there was a lot of old, repressed anger coming up, and everything she said seemed to trigger more.

 

Today has been better.  Not great, but better than yesterday.  Yesterday scared me.  I took some taurine last night before going to sleep.  I don't take it often and when I do, I usually take it in the morning when I first wake up, to stop the racing thoughts.  It works well for that for me.  I'm not sure if taking it last night had any effect, but I slept slightly better than usual, and I woke up mentally calmer, my mind was quiet. I still had the physical anxiety symptoms though, but they faded as the day progressed.  Today has been a relief in comparison to yesterday.  I'm going to start taking taurine regularly again, at night, for a while anyway.

 

I've been sitting here trying to find something positive about the day I had yesterday.  Did I learn anything valuable?  Did it make me a better person?  There is something, but I'm not sure I can put it in words.... I will try.

 

Yesterday I survived by dropping any pretense of being anything other than a suffering human body and mind, consciously existing through each painful moment.  Reality was so excruciatingly intense that it was impossible to do anything but be right here, in the moment to endure it.  A few more layers of someone I used to be burned away yesterday, leaving me slightly lighter, slightly freer.  Today, something of me is still here, something is aware, still alive, miraculously.  Part of me doesn't want to be here any more, its becoming too painful, but there is another part which is more here, more alive and more vibrant than its ever been....but its not personal, there is no emotional connection to this strange new life force which seems to be taking over..... my body has felt cold all day, couldn't warm up, but it didn't seem to matter much.

 

My mum came over again today, she brought food.  She often brings food.  I used to try and stop her, I would have this continual internal struggle about it.  I don't need her food, I need her emotional support.  Its an ancient wound, long history.  But today I peacefully took the plate of tuna mornay and put it in the fridge.  Perhaps I'm letting go of the anger, sadness and resentment about not getting what I needed as a child.  I never had anyone capable of really being with me through those difficult human emotions of learning how to live in the world, to enable me to become strong and resilient, now I'm an adult and still don't have anyone in my life capable of really being with me, apart from myself.  The various addictions, then Zoloft and Lexapro, helped keep it all locked down for years, but now, there is nothing, just me and my ancient stuff, battling it out to see who is stronger.

 

There is something here which wants to die and something which wants to live.  I notice it when I try and make myself something to eat.  I'm wondering what the connection is between food, my mother, lack of emotional nurturing (emotional abuse actually) and my resistance to feeding myself.  This is a guess really, but perhaps by feeding myself, which is her method of caring, in some way reinforces a belief that I'm not worthy of the kind of love and support I really need. Its a poor substitute. Food used to be my addictive substance of choice, I would feed my own frightened, lonely or angry inner child once I became an adult.  Now there is nothing which substitutes for the emotional comfort and care I need.  I could no longer use anything in an addictive way if I wanted to....nothing works, it just brings more pain.

 

I just realized, I probably should be grateful that life has brought me to this point where I have no choice but to deal with my childhood issues, head on, no more running away.  I have no option but learn how to handle my emotions, to feel them and let them go and carry on with life anyway.

 

I was raised on fairy stories,  so I grew up thinking that all I had to do was be pretty and good and eventually someone (surrogate parents) would come along to take care of everything and we would all live happily ever after, whatever that meant.  But I could never be pretty enough because I was fed rather than loved, so I got fat.  I never managed to be good enough, as a child anyway, but kept trying anyway until I gave up.....hmmm!   By the time I reached 16, there was no prince to rescue me and take me off my parents hands, but I was thrown out of the castle to fend for myself anyway...oh, I just remembered, snow white got thrown out too, or rather got sent off to be killed, but then survived. 

 

Oops!  I didn't mean to write all this in my thread, this probably belongs in my personal offline journal,  oh well, its here now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mlrp]

Good, heavy stuff there, Petu. I'm on my own unique journey, different to yours in the details, but so similar in feelings, traumas and triumphs, discoveries, letting go, parts of me falling away, seeing what's left/survived.

 

I had a window for a good part of the day yesterday. I say "had," because I'm kinda thinking it's shutting down again (I'm trying to "ignore" the shutting down, to see if I can maybe get it to move along...). I found myself sitting in my back garden, at the end of a particularly beautiful day, watching the last fading rays of light through the trees, the gathering dusk, a couple of little bats flying high above, the sound of crickets and other creatures filling the cool night air. The window open enough that I could clearly take it all in. Unencumbered. It was a very neutral place. I think, because it's been so long since I had such a window, that my spirit wanted nothing more than that. Just a fullness of reality, a clarity of perception, and nothing more. I found myself just "being," at a level I'm not sure I've ever "been" before. I realized myself in the moment, the window allowing me to take some quiet pleasure in the beauty around me, and I was OK just being me, feeling my own nearly imperceptible feelings, in that moment of time. I was OK knowing that my mom exists in the world, that she may or may not ever be capable of having any real inner peace or knowing the kind of quiet "be-ing" state that I was enjoying at that moment. That was a quiet, small triumph for me. Dropping the shackles of 40+ years of feeling totally responsible and guilty for the state of another person's mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. It's been a long, hard road to get there. And I know I'll have to revisit that same "place" many times over before I'm truly free.

 

Oops! That should probably have been reserved for my journal. Except that I wanted you to know that I am convinced that we all have an inner compass that never goes wrong - but can get buried under years of conditioning, abuse, and learned coping mechanisms/unhealthy behavior. I think you're doing amazing work uncovering yours. It can be such a painful process, can't it? Your sharing is sacred and SA is, imho, a place of safety in which to share.

Please continue to be gentle with yourself. And I'll do the same. 'k?

[mattinsmom]

I'm glad that you didn't keep that to your off-line journal. (sweeping statement coming) I think we all do that too much. Things that are hard or scary or ugly are the things that we hide from others and we suffer alone. Yet, we all have these experiences. I have never said something that noone else has ever thought/felt at some point in their lives. Still, I so frequently choose to hide the "less pretty' sides of me as if there is something so inherently wrong with me people would flee in droves if they knew the truth. And yet, my truth reflects the truth of so many others who are hiding too.

 

Put it out there. Scream it from the rooftops. You are not alone in your thoughts, your feelings, your confusion, your good days, or your not so good ones. Yes there are lessons that we each must learn for ourselves and there are times when we are the only person to rise above a particular situation, but noone is ever truly alone. 

 

Thank you for sharing your pain and confusion. Thank you for sharing your easier moments too. 

[andy]

keep fighting away petu,one day you will have an everlasting window with the sun shining through 

[Addax]

I too am glad you posted here and are willing to share your journey.  

 

I would bet your observation regarding your mom using food as a way to comfort you and your ambivalence about receiving and making food.  My family was much the same way with food.  Cooking was their show of caring.  They nurtured the belly rather than the soul.  Some people show they care and love you with food because an emotional investment entails risks and that's scary for most people, and by feeding us they are keeping us alive. I'm guessing that cooking and sharing food keeps some people from feeling helpless when they don't know what to do to help.  At least they can feed us?  My family's relationship with food and emotional disconnect fueled my own food fears and addiction as well.  The funny thing about food addiction and fears is that it's not like drugs or alcohol: You can't quit food.  You can never go cold turkey or withdrawal from it food.  If you try to you end up on Prozac

 

I hope this wave passes quickly for you, Petu. 

 

 

 

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Petu:

 

I responded to your reply in my thread in my thread and then I came over here to check in on you too.

 

What an amazing post, your last, I'm sure one of many. You were doing a lot of great work on yourself, helps to give me a little confidence to do the same, I hope. I can relate to some of what you said.

 

The other night I had a dream that a woman was trying to kill me. I called a friend who does dream interpretation, whether or not she's right or wrong I don't know but interestingly enough she was saying how a part of me wants to kill off another part of me. I'm thinking I choose to believe that I'm in a transformation and I'm trying to maybe kill off the suffering part by growing through this becoming whole.

 

You write about staying in the moment, I think that's good but oh so difficult to do at times when the moment is really uncomfortable.

 

My hats off to you for your hard work to recover.

 

EO

[Athena]

Hi Petu,

 

I too am glad that you shared your personal journal with us, it is precious.

 

I just want to say that from what I see of you, you are so pretty, and you certainly are even more than good. Great, grand, you are, and many other English words I don't know.

 

Please keep writing your beautiful words to us. Keep being you, because the you is there. We will win.

 

Sending winds of hope right to you.

 

A.

[Rhiannon]

Hello, beloved Petu. Just dropped by to see what lovely writing you've done lately (you're so eloquent!) and to say hello.

 

I'm sorry about the rough days. You know, I used to be skeptical when people said they thought that there was some healing work going on during the waves, but as time goes along I am beginning to wonder if there might be some truth to it. It makes sense, given that Rubik's cube paradigm, and given the paradigm that I personally use as the context: during the trauma of having the trellis torn away, the brain struggles and makes whatever connections it can manage, just out of desperation, just to keep things functioning. It doesn't do it very efficiently or well, because we have no mechanisms for that, because we've never encountered anything like this before in evolution. So things get mangled, and they get strung together just sort of "however." 

 

And then comes the long, long period of recovery and healing. And during that period, all that mangled strung-together-ness has to be sorted out, which means taking apart the jury-rigged healing and replacing it with something more optimal. And during the "taking apart" things get kind of wibbly wobbly as they fall down a bit, but it's necessary in order to stitch them back together in a healthier and more normal way.

 

I have no idea if this is actually true, but it's a paradigm that kind of fits with the waves and windows pattern of healing.

 

And it's a hopeful context for those rough days and rough times, for me.

 

So I offer it here in hope it may give you a way to think about those hard days and hard times. Yes, you are getting to revisit all kinds of past history and issues; but really, don't hold too tightly to that, because a lot of it is neuro-emotion, too. Maybe you can also just sort of love and trust your brain and send it healing energy as it bungles its way through this strange journey of remodeling and healing itself.