☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[Petunia]

Thanks again everyone for your support, helping me to calm down and take a more rational view of what's happening.  I think its just another wave because it seems to be starting to subside again, I'm not permanently back in acute symptoms, getting worse and worse, this morning wasn't as bad as yesterday.

 

I went grocery shopping and the DP/DR was back, it was disappointing, but the level of it wasn't overwhelming.  A storm broke, bringing with it a huge downpour, about 1 minute after I got home, I was lucky I didn't get caught in it and felt grateful about that.

 

The shower broke last night and the effect of it on me wasn't like it would have been 2 years ago.  It was still difficult to deal with, trying to fix it myself and then giving up and trying to get a plumber, but I wasn't in a panic, going hot and cold, pouring with sweat and feeling like I was about to die, the anxiety and feelings of helplessness were manageable.

 

I'm dealing with two separate issues, there is the withdrawal/recovery going on, but this is also the first time in a very long time that I've faced life without a significant other.  My last relationship ended about 4 years ago, soon after I stopped taking Lexapro, when I was in withdrawal but not realizing it.  Too many major stressors happened too close together, I never had a chance to recover from one thing before another one hit and then withdrawal was the icing on the cake as they say.

 

Anyway....thanks everyone, I don't know how I would manage without this site.

[LoveandLight]

Hi Petu

That is a good example! I no longer spend a lot of time thinking and obsessing over this (thank god). At the time that I did, this realisation was then followed by acute withdrawal - not pretty. Anyway thank you for your explanation and reminding me again how freeing this actually is.

[Muddles]

Sometimes we blame something we have taken, be it food, supplements or meds. This is the case a lot of the time but sometimes we just have to put this hell and these waves down to withdrawal.

 

A lot of people hit this big, evil wave so far out and then go on to have better healing.

 

Hold on tight Petu. I am rooting for you.

[Petunia]

Thanks Muddles, I've had a slightly better day today in spite of spending much of it waiting for a plumber and being anxious about..... well, just about the fact that I'm having to handle stuff like this and I don't feel at all capable.

 

Not going to write much, but today has been like one big paradox.  Ever since the shower broke yesterday, I've felt as scared and helpless as a 5 year old, being thrown out into the world alone and having to survive. My emotions have been quite extreme. And the DP/DR, while the trades people were here was very unpleasant, it was awful. But they wouldn't have had a clue anything was wrong. I chatted with them like as if I was fine. In reality, I've handled this situation quickly and easily.  Shower is fixed, plus another little problem in the bathroom which had been annoying me..... I just wish I could get my emotions to line up with reality.

 

I ate a small piece of roast chicken for breakfast, it was horrible , but I got it down and it didn't make me feel any worse, like some things do at that time of the day.

[simon]

When im in a bad way, things like dealing with people always gets exaggerated. But as you say its often possible to appear ok for a limited period.

Then I get the thoughts like ' how the hell does that person know what to do? Why cant  I do that? I used to be able to etc. Crazy, and then when things clear up that whole comparaison

thing fades and seems ridiculous.

'The mind has a mind of its own' , as they say in mindfulness circles.

 

Simon

[WinningThrough]

Hello Petu

 

I'm glad you are starting to feel a little bit better. I'm so sorry that dreadful wave came and swallowed you up for a while. It sounds like it is passing.

 

You did really well to sort the shower.

 

Take care and keep healing.

[ang]

Hello Petu

 

I'm glad you are starting to feel a little bit better. I'm so sorry that dreadful wave came and swallowed you up for a while. It sounds like it is passing.

 

You did really well to sort the shower.

 

Take care and keep healing.

What does augmentin cause?  Please advise?  My daughter was on a big dose of that for 10 years.  Luckily she has managed to fight that she is not depressed.  Luckily after only short courses on SSRIs she gave up and now is well.  A gp prescribed SSRIs for her, as she was constantly getting ill and her white cell count was up?  Now I read SSRis reduce white cell counts, hahah, doesn't make you well, just makes you fit into the statistics...  Hope she will become my best support.

[Narcissus]

Petu,

 

I admire your ability to see meaning in your withdrawal and not to shy away from it, even when it's frightening. You'll be very wise by the end of all this. Keep on.

 

- N

[Petunia]

 

What does augmentin cause?  Please advise?  My daughter was on a big dose of that for 10 years.  Luckily she has managed to fight that she is not depressed.  Luckily after only short courses on SSRIs she gave up and now is well. 

 

Hi Ang,

I don't know much about anti-biotics, but a quick search suggested a potential for liver and GI damage, but this page from the FDA web site concluded that there is there is a significant amount of information that supports the safety of such therapy.

 

http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/EmergencyPreparedness/BioterrorismandDrugPreparedness/ucm072755.htm

 

Maybe your daughter could talk to her doctor if she is concerned. A pro-biotic would help with GI balance, there are tests for liver damage.  I'm glad to hear that she is no longer depressed and was able to stop taking the SSRIs.

 

:)

 

Now that I'm back on my thread, I might as well update.

 

Over the last several weeks I've made a few changes.

• Increased vitamin C from 1000mg at night to 1000mg morning and night
• Stopped taking zinc, but then started again
• Stopped Evening Primrose Oil
• Increased dose of Magnesium Citrate from 200mg to 400mg, then added 120mg Glycinate at early morning wake ups
• Started eating a small amount of protein every 3 - 4 hours
• Having a few bites of cooked chicken as soon as I wake up/get up in the morning along with morning supplements
• Started half teaspoon cod liver oil 2 days ago (fingers crossed I can tolerate this coz I can't take regular fish oil)

I started eating protein through the day, and at first through the night over a week ago, maybe about 10 days ago.  It had an immediate effect in that the adrenaline rushes/ panic feelings I was regularly getting, especially during the early hours and through the morning, just stopped. But in their place I was getting increased heat, hot flashes and sweating, I had a few very uncomfortable nights and days.

 

I hadn't only started eating more protein, but I had also cut my carbs, a lot.  I don't think I ate any bread, wheat, gluten or starchy anything for 2 days, I felt pretty awful, so I took a break for one day and ate more normally again, had some bread, honey in my tea etc and started to feel a little better again.

 

So the following day I found a balance, some protein every few hours, but included some carbs, since then the adrenaline/panic has stayed gone, apart from one very small surge this morning, and the heat/sweating has gone back to how it was before the diet change...tolerable.

 

The wonderful thing is that I haven't felt any increased depression.  In the past when I've found a way to decrease the stimulated/anxiety type symptoms, with supplements, I've swung in the opposite direction towards depression, but this seems to be keeping me more balanced.  Being cured by food.... who would have thought?

 

No, I'm not cured, just seem to have found another puzzle piece which for now, is helping things along.  I don't know if this is a window, ongoing recovery or a direct result of changing my diet which is keeping my blood sugar levels more balanced and somehow reducing the fight/flight response.

 

What else?  I'm jumping in and out of the shower like a normal person again.

 

For 36 hours my right knee became inflamed, swollen and sore.  It felt like a return of the RA I got when I was 17, the exact same pain.  Back then I was in hospital for about two weeks with a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. I left the hospital in a wheel chair being told there was no cure, but when I eventually recovered, completely, I was told it might have been a virus and it might come back??

 

Anyway it did, I got it in my left wrist for about 2 days about a year ago and in my right knee just recently for 36 hours, but its completely gone now.

 

My left little finger has been going numb at random times for a few days and there is a strange sensation in one of my heels, going up into my calf when I walk.  I don't care in the slightest, not worried at all, just documenting more of the weird and wonderful things which are going on as part of this withdrawal journey.

 

In spite of the fact that I've got some stressful family drama going on, I've felt quite a bit better the last few days.  Everything is easier than it was a year ago, I can really see the change.  Things like cooking, preparing food, going grocery shopping, driving the car, cutting weeds, cleaning the kitchen, it doesn't feel so overwhelming, complicated and full of danger.  Daytime agoraphobia and sensitivity to stimulation continues to reduce.  DP/DR has generally been low, even when going out, nothing like how it was a year ago.  Its still there but much easier to tolerate now. 

 

I still get random surges of neuro-emotions, at about 50% strength of what they were and they subside faster now.  Sudden drops in mood are still happening, not a low as they were and not lasting as long.

 

I've noticed tiny little surges of pleasure/enthusiasm triggered by things like pleasant smells, nice memories and I even looked in the mirror yesterday and thought my hair looked nice, I never imagined I would think that again.  But the best thing which happened was last night, I had just washed my hair its quite long and I usually wear it up in a pony tail, but it had just dried and I could feel it hanging down my back, it felt nice and I got a tiny surge of pleasure and happiness feeling my hair moving against my back.  It sounds like such a stupid thing, but after not feeling any pleasure or good feelings about anything for 3 years, its huge and a big relief to know that I'm still capable of feeling good.

 

That's my good news.  Other good news is that my daughter just got her results for her last year of uni and has got into the honors program for next year that she wanted.

 

On the other hand, my sister isnt doing so well, but I don't really know what's going on.  She seems to have....well the way she puts it is that she has fallen back into depression.  She is crying all the time, stays in bed until way past lunch time and says life doesn't feel like its worth living any more. But then she has periods where she feels better. This is a sudden change from the way she was about a month ago before she hurt her back.  But the thing is, she has the same history as me with regards to SSRI use, came off it after long term use fairly fast in 2010.  But she has been on a high dose of stimulant meds ever since, which she stopped taking a few months ago.  She has also given up smoking and cut down caffeine and now she can't tolerate caffeine at all...or any kinds of spices.

 

She has become very anti-drugs, probably after listening to me and doing her own online research and is determined to get through this without medical 'help'.  It does sound a bit like what gets diagnosed as depression, but it also sounds like withdrawal.  She seems to be dealing with it ok.  But my parents, my mother in particular is not handling it well.  Neither of my parents can handle any strong emotions, in themselves or other people, its part of the dysfunction which is my family.  They want my sister 'fixed'.  They want me fixed too, but as long as I control myself, play down how I'm feeling and don't behave in ways that trigger their emotions, then they seem able to accept what's going on with me.

 

Yesterday afternoon, my mum showed up at my house in a right state.  She had visited my sister that morning and she had been crying and her partner had been comforting her.  My sister had stopped crying eventually, but then wasn't very talkative.  So my mum went into sort of panic mode, went home and told dad who proceeded to make plans to cancel their up coming cruise and figure out how to get my sister admitted to hospital.  At first I got drawn into the panic, started thinking that the situation was an immediate emergency.

 

It took me a while to figure out exactly what had happened.  My mother had unexpectedly seen my sister crying, felt uncomfortable and began catastrophizing. Took it home to dad and between the two of them, managed to create a life threatening emergency situation in their minds.

 

There's all kinds of dysfunction which goes on in my extended family... boundary issues, triangulation, terrible communication, denial, I find myself caught in the middle between two opposing realities sometimes, trying to figure out how to function like a 'normal' person, but constantly feeling pulled into the old dysfunctional patterns.

 

But things have settled down again for now.

[Petunia]

Oh Hi Nar,

You were posting while I was writing my update.  Its lovely to see you back, how are you?  I often wonder how you are doing, hoping, imagining that its better.

[simon]

Hi Petu

Lovely to read your blog again. Quite missed it! I always imagine what part of the world people are in and what time it is. I envy you living in the sunshine; ive just got hold of a SAD lamp but its not quite the same thing! But I guess even lovely weather can get mundane.

 

I notice you mentioned about eating little and often and it reminded me of an appointment I had with a menieres specialist . He told me that having 5 meals a day instead of 3 is ideal (for anybody) as it keeps blood circulation constant- for me that's important to have blood flow good through the inner ear. Trouble is you get into fixed habits and I know I would simply eat too much if I did that!

 

Great that youre feeling well.

 

Sorry that your family play up like that. So far ive been lucky with mine. (3 kids)  A little scare of late though was that my daughter who takes Ven. got pregnant and I feared that would open up a whole can of worms, with transferral of chemical to a growing baby. However shes miscarried ive just learned and I see it as natures way of saying something. Shes taking it in her stride though and has a great husband. She was only 6-8 weeks so not so traumatic.

 

Thanks for your great imput to this forum

 

Simon

[WinningThrough]

 

Hello Petu

I'm glad you are starting to feel a little bit better. I'm so sorry that dreadful wave came and swallowed you up for a while. It sounds like it is passing.

You did really well to sort the shower.

Take care and keep healing.

 

What does augmentin cause?  Please advise?  My daughter was on a big dose of that for 10 years.  Luckily she has managed to fight that she is not depressed.  Luckily after only short courses on SSRIs she gave up and now is well.  A gp prescribed SSRIs for her, as she was constantly getting ill and her white cell count was up?  Now I read SSRis reduce white cell counts, hahah, doesn't make you well, just makes you fit into the statistics...  Hope she will become my best support.

Hi Ang

 

I think your Augmentin question was for me? I have augmentin in my signature. I reacted to it. I will find your thread and answer on there.

 

Petu, it sounds like you're getting some improvements :-) Im sorry to hear about your family situation.

[Muddles]

Was wondering how you were doing. Pleased to see there are many improvements! I too have dysfunctional family issues but take a back seat from it all now....I hate the way the dysfunctional family is now more functional than me and it's the dysfunctional family that contributed to my now non-functional life! Did you get that? Sorry - I'm rambling!

 

Onwards and up-wards Petu. You are getting there!

[LoveandLight]

Good to hear your noticing improvements

[simon]

Hi Petu

I never know whether to reply to people I my thread or theirs. But I guess if I reply here youre more likely to see it?

Yes we always seem to want what we cant have (in regard to sunshine I mean).

Christmas is crazy because however much you want to avoid it and  get on with normal day to day life, it still seems to overtake you. I suppose over here you notice it much more with the dark days lit up by decorations etc. Cant get my head round hot sun and Xmas at the same time.!

Yes, insomnia seems to have hit me at the moment; cant work out why and just have to live with it. Great to have people who understand though and like you who are going through the mill. Decided not to touch my medication though, just weather the storm.

Yes I do guided meditations, find a couple of mindfulness ones on utube by Florence Meyer very useful and her voice is just right for me; and you're right it keeps you more focused.

You provide lots of useful info on this site and I notice especially to new people; it must be really comforting to them to get such speedy replies. Wish my typing was quicker though, but since being on the forum I have got a little faster.

All the best to you

Simon

[Narcissus]

Oh Hi Nar,

You were posting while I was writing my update.  Its lovely to see you back, how are you?  I often wonder how you are doing, hoping, imagining that its better.

Doing better all the time Petu, though still certainly in withdrawal.

 

I think you've hit onto something with eating/blood sugar. For me eating well and frequently makes a huge difference in how I feel throughout the day. Eating something sugary/full of flower, or going without eating causes symptoms to flare up. Going without water has the same effect. The author of CFS Unravelled, which Monica turned me onto, talks about hunger/thirst/excessive sugar being big triggers for people experiencing autonomic dysfunction. Eating in the morning has been especially helpful for me.

 

Glad to see you're seeing a little relief. Thinking of you.

 

- N

[EternalOptimist]

Thumbs up at Petu! :-)

[Cdav]

I just read your update Petu. I'm so glad that you are feeling improvements and being able to feel some pleasure again. I've also learned food is extremely important, especially to manage the panicky feelings in the morning. I admire your patience and persistence to take care of yourself. I'm also thankful for your advice on my thread. 

 

Hope everything keeps improving in spite of the stressful situation going on in your family. I really hope your sister gets better without resorting to AD's. 

 

Best wishes. 

[Petunia]

Seems I've been hit with another wave in spite of my change in diet.  I felt it start to wash over me on Friday afternoon and its been getting progressively worse.  Its really bad timing because I have our annual family pre-christmas dinner to go to tonight, and now I don't feel like going.  Actually, that's a bit of an understatement, when my symptoms get worse, the agoraphobia comes back and so I'm feeling terrified at the thought of actually having to leave the house again.

 

But I guess I'll get through it.  I forced myself to go out yesterday, and when I went for a walk around the park, I knew something wasn't right again.  It wasn't as bad as the way it was a year ago, but much of the negative mood was back, things felt 'off', I was wanting to hurry and get home.  My legs started to ache and I was having some problems breathing, which hasn't been happening lately.  Still not as bad as when I was at my worst, but I really wish this was over already.  Every time a wave comes, its like being thrown back into a pit of fire that you just spent everything you had climbing out of.

 

I woke this morning and the inner shaking and hot/cold flashes were back, some mild akathisia for a couple of hours, but that seems to have died down now.  I know its 'just a wave' and that it will pass.  I even have an idea what may have triggered it, a conversation I had which aroused some memories and a lot of anger which I had to suppress, or at least not express.  But its a chicken and egg kind of thing, I'm not sure, perhaps I was already over sensitized because of the wave and these were neuro-emotions.  It took a long time for me to calm down and it felt like it triggered something.  Sound sensitivity is back and I'm finding it hard to distract.

 

There's been increased solar activity and an X class flare some time on Fri/Sat I think it was, (I have problems converting universal time to local time), maybe that's contributing to my wave.  I had stopped checking space weather because I felt I was getting a little obsessive about it, but when I checked the site earlier today and saw what had been going on, it didn't surprise me.

 

I keep thinking, should I take more magnesium, more taurine.  But then I remember how I tell others not to change anything just because symptoms temporarily increase.  So I will tell myself the same thing.  Its quite frightening how a sudden increase in anxiety causes one to forget everything and suddenly become completely irrational.  I can't remember what to do to calm myself down.

 

 

 

 

[LoveandLight]

Sorry Petu you are experiencing this and it has gone on so long for you. I think you have much strength and wisdom.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I keep thinking, should I take more magnesium, more taurine.

 

I meant to say something when I saw something you said in your last update but with the influx of new people I got distracted. Please take my and Jemima's advice and limit your total daily magnesium intake to 320 mg or less. I had been taking as much as 600 mg daily and it made me feel bad in a way I cannot understand. I kept having this thought that I felt like my body had been dropped out of an airplane and smashed on the ground and the feeling gradually went away after I limited my intake to 300mg per day in divided doses. Although mag washes out of the body via the kidneys, there is a reason not to take more and I can't recall it at the moment. (the limit for males is 400 mg). The interesting thing is that for the last month I have been forgetting to take it and my palpitations are gone!!! It was keeping them at bay. So now I know my palps were a manifestation of the autonomic nervous system upset of wd syndrome.

 

The other thing is the vit C. You mentioned taking an extra gram I think and I would have liked to see you get the extra C by eating an orange daily instead of the artificial tablet. C can make hot flashes worse (irrc) and has also been implicated in disturbing sleep. Who knows what effect it has on a system in wd. Your body is trying to reach homeostasis and you keep upsetting the balance daily by giving it extra chemicals (for that is what they really are, chemicals). I read something a long time ago that goes like this: although science has been able to create vitamin substitutes in the lab, they cannot create the real thing. There may be some undiscovered 'X' factor that our bodies need that am artificial vitamin cannot give us. And many times a synthetic vitamin is only one component of a myriad of components. Vit D and E come to mind. There are other compounds of tocopherols than just the d-alpha we commonly get, for example. We get only the stuff the labs are able to synthesize and often cheaply so.

 

I am a firm believer of food, even the crappy (probably less nutrition laden factory farmed) stuff we have available in the grocery stores as having the most capacity to heal. But don't overdo anything (like the smoothies). I am still eating the same foods every day as I did in the thick of wd. Salad, oranges, pasta, cheese, bananas. I subsisted on a daily 'healthy choice' meal for supper for months and I turned out ok. And my nightly orange peeling ritual still goes when I can get the oranges. Right now navels from CA are what is in the store. I try not to think of my carbon footprint too much

[Muddles]

Sorry to hear of the wave Petu. So cruel to be slammed back after making progress but know that this will pass.

 

I hope you managed ok with your meal.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Petu-- sorry to hear that you're feeling so badly.  It appears that you have been through this all before and can understand what is happening, which is a good thing, because you know you can get through it and it will pass.  The timing really stinks what with the part and all, but that will provide some good distraction so let it take your mind off of things.  With magnesium it is possible to get too much of a good thing and it will start making you real a lot worse instead of better, may want to take it a little easier on that.  The solar flair connection is  interesting, I pass off solar activity influences jokingly but inside feel that there just may be something to them.  Have you seen the facebook group Aurora Australiaious  Tasmania?  Very interesting information and a lot of great pictures.

 

These drugs have a nasty habit of dragging up the nasty bits of our pasts, I get it all the time in my intrusive thoughts.  It's like the drug knows that the thoughts will upset us and make us consider going back to it.  When the come up I use a variation of the AAF technique (Acknowledge, Accept, Float)  I Acknowledge that the thoughts and events are real, but are in the past and can't harm me any more.  I Accept that they happened, I handled them the best I could at the time and that they have been worked through and are over and done with.  I them let them Float off as I go on about my business.  It takes a bit of practice and a bit of actually addressing the issue the first few times, but it really does work.

 

Hope you enjoy your party.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mattinsmom]

It seems that I have missed quite a bump in your road. I am sorry to hear that you were pulled under by a wave but it does seem that you are catching your breath. I wish that I had more time to thoroughly digest what you have written and to understand your experience. Unfortunately it is getting late here and I am tuckering out. 

 

I do want to wish you happy holidays. I hope that all is well, that life treats you good, and that you have a peaceful transition into 2015. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers even when I'm not here. 

[WinningThrough]

Thinking of you, Petu.

[Petunia]

Thank you Joannad, CW, Muddles, Brass, Amy & WT, its lovely to visit my thread and see all this support

 

CW, thank you for all your suggestions.  I actually knew that you had decreased your magnesium and felt better for it, in fact when I read that, around the time you did it, I tried the same thing myself, hoping that it would help me too.  Nope, my symptoms got worse.  Its amazing how we are all so different, I was so hoping it would work for me too.

 

I completely agree with you that its better to get what we need from food, rather than from artificial tablets. Believe me, I would love to be able to eat an orange every night like you do.  I have 3 of them in my fridge right now, but since I became so sensitive, I have to be careful with anything acidic, I even reacted to a peach the other day, I couldn't believe it.  A while back I tried to eat some fresh pineapple and my mouth was burning for about 10 minutes, then it went numb for a few hours, part of my throat too, it was a bit scary. But I might try again, I love fruit, but the only kind I seem to be ok with at the moment are bananas and a few frozen blueberries. 

 

I'm really pleased that I've been able to find an oil supplement that I can tolerate, tried several brands of fish oil, but I'm doing

ok now with half a teaspoon of cod liver oil, it tastes awful though, even with the natural lemon flavor added.

 

Thankfully, I seem to be coming out of this wave.  I made it through the family dinner on Sunday night, it wasn't too bad, I sort of enjoyed it at times and it was certainly a good distraction.  The best part of the night was that my sister came.  She hasn't left her house in about 2 months, apart from a trip to the hospital in an ambulance because of a back injury.

 

It was nice to get home though, I was getting tired.  Had a bad night, lots of head pain and waking up.  The next day I had a  migraine all day, nausea and other increased symptoms, Tuesday was bad too, but since then I've been feeling a little better.  These waves seem to be getting shorter in duration.

 

 

Have you seen the facebook group Aurora Australiaious  Tasmania?  Very interesting information and a lot of great pictures.

 

 

No, but now I have, I just joined, I agree about the pictures, some of them are amazing.  I belong to a few space weather related groups and apparently many people are effected physically and emotionally by changes in activity on the sun, especially people who have chronic conditions, their health is already compromised in some way or they are particularly sensitive in general.

 

Well, that's it for my update.

 

Wishing everyone Happy Holidays

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

since I became so sensitive, I have to be careful with anything acidic, I even reacted to a peach the other day, I couldn't believe it.  A while back I tried to eat some fresh pineapple and my mouth was burning for about 10 minutes, then it went numb for a few hours, part of my throat too, it was a bit scary.

 

Oh, wow that is totally weird AND scary. I am glad you said something, I need to remember this information that individual people's systems are affected differently in wd too. Sort of like how some people have allergies and some don't. It is odd that the acidity of the C you take does not affect you because you swallow it, i.e. it does not really come in contact with your saliva and mucous membranes. That must be the key, like those surfaces (mouth and throat) say "Leave me alone with the acid, I am having a hard enough time as it is."

 

And thanks for the info about the magnesium. I wonder if in the beginning, when wd is really fierce, that the above normal doses of mag aren't helpful? I know that from Nov to whenever I said something in my thread about it I was taking 600mg a day. At one point 800 mg and it really helped. Now I am forgetting to take it but am still munching almonds.

 

I always look forward to your updates.

[Cdav]

Petu, I'm sorry you went through that bad wave, but happy for you that it seems to be shorter. I hope it soon disappears completely. 

 

Merry Christmas!  

[Muddles]

Merry Christmas Petu. Shorter waves are such a good sign.

[Petunia]

WARNING  Really negative update follows.

 

I've been sitting here trying to decide what to write, but nothing which comes to mind seems appropriate. Screaming, crying, collapsing to the ground and sobbing hopelessly would be accurate, but that's not going to work on here, so I'm stuck with words.

 

I don't want to be feeling like this any more, I just went through my 4th Christmas in withdrawal.  Number 1 wasn't so bad because I didn't know what was going on, I took xanax and actually went out for dinner during the day. I'd been severely suicidal in the morning, but the xanax got me through the day.  Then it went down hill from there...year 2, year 3 etc.

 

The wave which started on a Friday afternoon just under 2 weeks ago is still here.  It let up slightly for a day, but I'm back with the early morning awakenings, adrenaline rushes, depressed mood, waves of neuro-emotions through the day, I haven't timed them, but they seem to hit every 1 - 2 hours.

 

Sound sensitivity has come back.

 

I stopped taking the cod liver oil.  I've got no idea if its related, but it obviously wasn't helping.  I've stopped the 3 - 4 hour protein routine too.  That stopped working and I was putting on weight, feeling so bad my exercise routine has stopped, it was making me feel worse again, not that it was helping, but I was able to do it.

 

Things I try seem to help for about a week, and then its like my body adapts and I'm thrown into a wave of feeling worse.

 

I just read something on a thread about Dr. Shipko saying that if someone has been on SSRIs for over 10 years he would recommend staying on them because the protracted withdrawal will go on too long.  I hate reading things like that, it makes me scared.  I've been off them about 4 years now, my memory is getting fuzzy, I'm losing hope.

 

It would be easier not to post anything, but I'm already feeling like I'm disintegrating, a little more with each wave.  I guess posting here is like hanging onto what remains of my reality, even though its miserable and unpleasant.  I don't want to just fade away and become another invisible statistic.

 

Am I recovering?  If I am, its too slow, too hard to endure hope being crushed over and over, a tiny little improvement, a fleeting good feeling and then its ripped away and back into the pit for another week, two weeks, who knows how long this one is going to last for until I get another little crumb of hope.

 

I need to have a shower.  Its not difficult these days, one of the things which has permanently improved, I should be grateful.  But even though I can have a shower now, there just doesn't seem to be any point.  It no longer arouses terror, but now I don't have the energy or motivation.

 

My daily pattern for the last few days has been that I wake up around 5am with the cortisol thing, not quite as bad as it was in the beginning, but close. Racing thoughts, strange images.  Hot flashes, sweating.  Most of the morning I have high anxiety type symptoms, very physical, its just there in my body.  The slightest thing will trigger an adrenaline surge, I'm used to it I suppose, but I don't want to still be going through this.  I want to be able to have a life.  I want to be able to comfortably do things normal people do.  Things I used to do.  Its so hard watching other people have a life.  I want to be able to feel happy again and enthusiastic about plans and have some meaning and purpose, a reason to keep living.

 

I think my venting is over, it didn't really help, I still feel awful and its 2pm.  A few weeks ago I was consistently feeling a bit better by this time of the day.

 

Anyway, I'll write about some other miserable stuff that has happened.

 

I think my sister is in protracted withdrawal, she's getting all the usual acute symptoms.... cant eat, having problems sleeping at night, neuropathy type symptoms. She quit Lexapro about the same time I did, but  ADHD stimulant meds, which also act on serotonin, have probably been cushioning the withdrawal, she stopped them a while back, so I think the full impact may be hitting her now.

 

A few days ago, my daughters friend, the one who went on Prozac, made a suicide attempt.  My daughter and a few other people were there at the time, so I don't think it was a real attempt, but it was very disturbing, she cut her wrist to the bone, lost a lot of blood, needed a transfusion and is now on suicide watch.  My daughter was in shock for a couple of days, but got over it.  I'm still feeling bad about it.... mostly helpless really, helpless to help.  Can't help myself, can't help anyone else.

 

OMG, I just realized its the last day of the year.... another wasted year has gone by, how many more?

 

Oh dear, this is a very negative update, I think I will put a warning at the top.

 

thanks everyone who posted recently.  Please new year fairy, make 2015 a better year for everyone.

[LoveandLight]

Sorry for your suffering, Petu.

 

I totally know the feeling of another year wasted and feeling that a normal life would be great. Hug xxxx

[ladybug]

I'm so sorry, Petu. I can relate to that feeling of just wanting this crap to be over with already, I think we all can. By the way, I've read that Shipko statement and I believe it's bull. I have seen many people who were able to get off of this drugs after 10+ years and heal from them. I truly believe anyone can get off these drugs if they go slow enough. I've been tapering for several years (have been on since 1998), and I still have waves and rough patches, but I have to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thank God, you are off the drugs and really healing. You are healing every day, even if it doesn't feel like it. If you haven't already I would suggest you read Imac's journal. She was acute for a few years and then all of sudden turned a corner. This WD is unpredictable like that. You never know when a big fat window is going to open so you have to keep holding on until then. It won't always be like this. Praying that 2015 is one full of windows and more healing for you.

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

once again thank you for finding us worthy enough to share with us all of you. As we said many times before, most of us here have been in places like this so hearing about despair doesn't scare us. On the contrary, it's so very useful since few of us can put it into words. It is incredibly helpful to hear that even the strongest and most enduring fighters have moments when they feel like putting down their weapons. And why shouldn't we from time to time put our weapons and shields on the ground to get a relief from their burden or even throw them away in anger, cry in hopelessness, melt down in despair? I can't do that either. I can't even cry because I feel that if I took that route I wouldn't be able to come back. But people tell me it brings relief, it returns the strength to carry on.

 

It always makes me want to come over and give you a long hug

 

I wish I had more time to write because your posts always inspire me. And thank you Ladybug for your input: I'm also well past the 10 year mark of AD use and have read things like Shipko says.  It sure takes a lot of suffering that people of today are not willing to take but I still think it can be done.

 

But Petu what most triggered/inspired me in your message is your sentence that this year has been a waste. I feel so blessed to have "met" you. It can't be anything but neuroemotions that a person who has helped so many, written such beautiful prose, showed how incredibly reselient human spirit is (to mention just a few) says the year has been wasted. The majority of humanity was just chasing money, hurting themselves, other human beings and the whole planet in the process. If we want to talk about wasted year shouldn't this word be more appropriate for them and not you?

 

When I first came here, I was reading a lot. I came to your thread and it felt like I was reading an incredibly well written novel. You have  a great gift and you have put it to great use. I think what you wrote here should be published. And it wouldn't need much editing.

 

You have the right to feel that the year has been wasted but I couldn't disagree more. We got such an awful lot. I also feel like a great part of my life has been lost to depression, when I wasn't me. Not in the sense of all I could've been but almost nothing at all. A mass of emptiness and a void. But even in those years I kept going. I studied when a great part of my brain was shut and I worked. When I look back I see blanks and pain. But now I'm able to enjoy fruits of those years. I spent many years wanting to wake up feeling as before, wanting my old self back. Now I got a new and different me.

 

I didn't have 4 Christmases when I was in dreadful pain and everything around me at that time would only increase the pain. I had many more like that in my twenties. I remember particularly well one New Year's Eve probably 10 years ago when my relatives couldn't understand why I didn't even consider joining them at a party and how I could've spent the evening curled up in a ball. Now it's better. I still can't stand parties and they are way too much for me but I'm not aching so much. And I don't compare myself to other people. I think that one anxiety and depression free day brings me more joy and appreciation for the miracle of life than all the parties people go to.

 

Even when you despair I see you strong. I see an old warrior who is leaning against her sword and a shield only to launch another fierce attack. I somehow believe you will pick up your weapons as many times as it takes. I simply believe you can do it. Despairing and feeling hopeless don't affect that belief I have. You reached out to me in all that despair. That flicker inside you is so very strong. You are never negative. You are just very real. 

 

Here ends my ramble. I actually look forward to the new year. One of the reasons is because you are here. We will share and support. It's been a great year. We have survived. We experienced the beauty of sharing with and supporting other human beings and fellow sufferers all over the world. We will continue.

 

Lots of love from cold and snowy but sunny country.

 

We are love you very much! 

Bubble

[WinningThrough]

Petu, I am so sorry to hear you are in a terrible wave. I'm sending a gentle hug and hoping that when this wave passes, more healing will have taken place. A pray for a window for you soon. X

[moodyblues78]

Hi Petu.

 

You have experienced windows. What would be a better proof that you're healing. It means that all that good stuff is in you. You just need to wait a longer than some.

 

This wave will pass and you'll come out of it stronger.

[wantrelief]

Hi Petu,

 

I am so sorry.  It sounds like there is a lot going on around you that may be contributing to how you are feeling on top of withdrawal.  I watched my sister go through acute WD for several months and it was an awful experience for me as I knew all too well what she was feeling (she ended up going back onto AD meds. in the end).  I wanted to reiterate what Bubble wrote - that you have helped so many people, including myself, with your insightful beautiful postings.  I can understand how you feel as the years have gone by but they have not been wasted years - so many people have benefited from "knowing" you and the help you have provided them.  You are an inspiration to so many of us.  I hope you get some relief soon.  In the meantime all of us are thinking about you.

 

Michele