☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[Petunia]

I've just had a milestone event in my recovery

 

I managed to fall back to sleep in the morning and sleep through the worst of my cortisol surge.  Lately I've been waking around 5am into the usual turmoil, but this morning when I first looked at the time it was just after 7.  This morning I did something new, something I had planned last night as an experiment.  Even though I didn't feel like it, I forced myself to eat a few healthy, high protein organic crackers and some egg.  It was difficult to get them down because I felt so nauseous, but I managed.   Then I tried to distract myself for about an hour as my stomach seemed to be fighting with the food, along with all the usual morning symptoms.

 

Then suddenly, my stomach settled and I felt very tired again, so I tried to go back to sleep.  It was quite easy to dose off, but unfortunately it was noisy outside with garbage trucks and neighbors slamming car doors, so I kept waking up with waves of anxiety, panic and palps, it took about 5 mins to calm myself from each waking, then I just tried again.  Finally the noise stopped and I slept for a full hour and woke again at 10:15, I couldn't believe it, I had managed to sleep through the anxiety surges, dreadful thoughts/images, chills and shaking.

 

But now I don't know if this would have happened anyway, or if its something I did differently, I've made 3 small changes recently.

 

There was the early morning snack today.  Green smoothies 3 days in a row and I've also started taking a low dose of vitamin D3 in the mornings.  I've had a sense that the d3 may be slightly activating, but something has been lifting my mood because in the afternoons, when I generally feel better, its like my baseline has risen a notch.  This started when I was having ear problems last week, so I think that part is natural recovery and nothing to do with any changes.  It was the starting to feel better which gave me the confidence to try the smoothies and the d3 again, hoping that I wouldn't react badly to them.

 

 

I try not to use earplugs at all. Over the ear speakers are better in the long term if you do audio every day.

 

 

I use the sports kind, they go over the ear and hook around the back to hold them in place, they are small enough so that laying on a pillow isn't uncomfortable, I've never liked the ear bud kind.  I think its the earplugs I've been using for sleep which has caused the problem.  I've always been a light sleeper, but since going into withdrawal, even the lightest sound would wake me up and once the birds started in the morning, there was no hope, so they have helped with sleep.

 

I'm not too worried about it though.  I treated my left ear with olive oil, peroxide and some warm water syringing and got a good result, which has probably avoided a similar problem happening with that ear, so I will just do that every few months while I still need to use ear plugs for sleep.

 

Thanks for writing on my thread CW, I hope you are feeling a little better.  I've noticed you posting more lately

[dalsaan]

It could be one of those things or all three together.  I'd be inclined to keep them all up for a little while and see what happens.   If you need to you can drop them off one at a time to see if you can establish the effect.

 

I hope this is a winning strategy for you going forward

 

D

[bubble]

Dear Petu,

 

you know we are all so very happy to hear this news! I would say that what you put in your signature is really the case: improvements have come to stay. They will most likely get overpowered at times but will grow in strength.

 

When I read about the hearing problem I was also hoping it could be something physical and easy to manage. We are so used to countless ugly faces of withdrawal that sometimes we can mistake a real health issue for it.

 

When I feel improvements I just so fear of their fleeting nature and grief that I will have to deal with when they disappear again. I also often inspect myself in anguish to see if they are still there or I have already been robbed off. Sometimes I even fear reporting on them because in the same way as waves, they might already be over when I press the send button.

 

But I have to learn to enjoy them while they last and be grateful that they visited me even if they disappear.

 

hugs 

[mammaP]

I'm really happy for you Petu, and hope your window stays for a good long time. Or even better, stays open 

permanently!  

[Petunia]

This is so confusing, I'm back in a wave, the shaking, inner vibrations and intense fear is back.  But I don't know if this a 'natural' wave or if 8 days in a row of green smoothies has caused it.  I left the whey protein out from 2 days ago.  But I'm also thinking that the sudden increase in green veggies has caused some kind of detoxification.  It didn't happen right away, it took 4 days before I started to feel bad again.

 

On Friday, right after my doctor's appointment (one week ago), in spite of not knowing what was going on with my ear and being almost insane from the screeching, I was feeling much better with regard to withdrawal, physical symptoms had reduced considerably.  While shopping I bought some new gym pants because I was certain that I would be signing up for a new membership this week.

 

But now, I'm not able to leave the house again.

 

Last week I had been making good progress with grass trimming and yesterday decided to do the last part which was left after my dad had finished most of it.  But I started getting symptoms, just like how it was a year ago. Then it was strange, the grass trimmer sort of slowed down, it wasn't working properly, maybe it was my imagination.  I did the last part with hand shears, but it felt like I was going to die I felt so bad.  Heavy sweating, heart pounding, dizzy.  It took about 2 hours for my body to settle back down after that.

 

The worst part is the confusion and not understanding what's causing these changes.  I had become so hopeful and motivated at the end of last week and had managed to get myself to a store which sells organic produce. I had bought some kale, spinach, celery and pear juice as a base.  Now I think its gone paradoxical.... but I don't know, maybe its just a wave.

 

I already cut back the vit d, now I guess I'll stop the smoothies    I have to remember that I had started feeling better before I made these new 'healthy' changes.  Perhaps it was too much too soon and I would be ok with a green smoothie a couple of times a week to start...but I was thinking routine and stability.

 

Its so depressing to feel like I'm back at square one, which I'm probably not, but that's what it feels like.  My short term memory has got bad again, I'm not retaining anything I hear or read, can't focus again and I have a new skin symptom.  Many of the old symptoms have increased again....typical wave, but did I cause it?

 

Today, I'm filled with doubts (again).  Do I have the strength to keep going?  Am I really recovering?  What would recovery look like because I can no longer even imagine it.  The toxic thoughts are swirling around today too.  Why am I going through this?  I must have done something bad, or maybe I'm just a bad person or don't try hard enough.  This has to be my own fault in some way and if I just did xyz I would get better and then get on with what remains of my life, but what for, do I even want to keep living in a world which is so unfair?

 

I feel so completely helpless to do anything to help myself or anyone else.  Whenever it seems I'm making even the slightest bit of progress and I am, that's obvious, but then I get slammed back down, maybe not quite as far back as 2 years ago, but continually getting dragged backwards is excruciatingly painful after having touched a tiny little grain of hope.

 

What frightens me the most, especially the longer this goes on, is the growing sense of isolation because of the general lack of awareness, validation and support in the wider community.  I didn't have a very strong identity or sense of self to start with, but this unrecognized illness is making me feel like I'm becoming more and more invisible every day.  Even if I do eventually recover and manage to get back out there and join the rest of the world again, how do I explain these 3, 4, 5....years, however long its going to take.  Maybe no one else will even care, perhaps its just me still struggling to come to terms with this unbelievable 'thing' which has happened to me.  I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years and I still have problems knowing how to talk about it.

 

I'm not one of those people who had a really great life and lost it all because of psychiatry or psyche drugs. My life has never been that great, I've struggled to survive from as far back as I can remember.  But in spite of difficult circumstances, by my late 30's I had finally got my life going in what I thought was a productive direction. I had what I thought was a stable marriage, although not particularly happy/supportive.  I had a home, family, was back at school studying for a degree, so that I would be able to get the kind of job where I could use my potential,  I was building a small business and consciously raising my daughter.  Then, over a matter of a few years, I lost it all, including my health.  I estimate that the drugs contributed about 75% to my downfall.  At first, for the first few years at least, they appeared to be helping.  I'm not sure I would have gone back to school without them. 

 

Now, nothing makes any sense, my attitude about what's happened swings wildly between regret for having lost everything and gratitude for finally being rescued from a life I felt like a prisoner in.  I'm free to start again, to build a more authentic and satisfying life, but I'm 12 years older and sick and struggle to leave the house on most days.  There's nothing for me to go back to, and if I'm honest, there's nothing from my past that I want to go back to anyway.  But I can't construct a picture of a future, not in any realistic or lasting way because I no longer know who I am beyond who I am right now...

 

...it always seems to come back to the same thing, accepting myself and my reality right now.  Perhaps the choice I have at the moment is how I define my own reality. But the withdrawal induced DP/DR makes that impossible, my ability to hold onto a sense of stable reality changes all the time.  My brain is literally incapable of grasping or creating new concepts and holding onto them in order to begin working towards making them reality.  Most of what I achieve on a cognitive level every day is lost again by the next day, when I wake up. I can't seem to retain much of anything which is new.  This is like a kind of anterograde amnesia.  This truly is like living in the movie groundhog day.

 

No green smoothie for breakfast today, I'm back to multi-seed toast and honey.  I'm going to scrape the bottom of the barrel now and hopefully find some crumbs of positivity to focus on to get me through the rest of the day.  I'm going to list some of my earlier symptoms which have gone and NOT returned in this particular wave.

 

Sound sensitivity

Twitching/tremors

Dread/fear triggered by everything

Early morning waking

Nausea

 

I just wrote neuro-emotions at the end of that list, but realized I'm probably having some neuro-sadness right now.  Maybe its real sadness.  I want to call it depression, but its not an illness in its own right, its justified, perfectly normal sadness because of the current nature of my miserable life and inability to improve it.

 

I'm really miserable today and can't do anything to help anyone else, so I may as well write here a bit longer, it seems to be helping, or at least distracting me without hurting anyone else.

 

I'll write about something which is happening right now which is painful and difficult to endure.  My daughter is on study break this week, she has been busy as usual with work, group assignments, socializing, shopping.  Her new friend just left after they had gone out for lunch.  She is now in her room, cleaning.  She has the radio on and is singing along, she is so happy and full of energy.  She is working this evening and then staying at another friend's house tonight.  I'm so happy and relieved that she has a good life, is generally happy, healthy and functional.

 

But its so hard to be me, the way I am at the moment and live with the complete contrast.  I was listening to her cleaning, and I remembered previous times when I've felt that energy and motivation for making my environment cleaner and more attractive.  I could remember what it felt like to have that feeling of pleasure and excitement about being able to change how something looks and then have a sense of pleasure and satisfaction and be able to enjoy it.  Then I remembered the last time I attempted to clean my own bedroom.  It was about 2 weeks ago.  I noticed that some crumbs or dust had built up in the runners of the closet and though I 'should' clean them or the wheels might jam up and break.  So I struggled to bring the vaccume cleaner in, I noticed how heavy it felt and how awkward my body felt trying to move it, I never used to feel like this.  I noticed how difficult it was to see what I was doing, my vision only started going bad after being on SSRIs for several years, but I never made the connection.

 

I struggled to vaccume up the dust and just kept feeling worse.  Then I did some dusting and put some papers away, but the whole time I was feeling a growing sense of heavy burden, obligation, duty, there was no enthusiasm or expectation of pleasure or satisfaction.  Its been a long time now since I've got any pleasure out of attractive surroundings.  This used to be so much a part of who I was, I could spend hours happily cleaning, organizing, rearranging, and changing things around to make them look 'nicer'.  I used to get a lot of pleasure out the the way things 'looked'.  But now its pointless because I don't have access to being able to appreciate the way things look any more.  I have the opposite, in that I get a huge fear response when the kitchen looks messy or I see some dirt somewhere, so I'm currently conditioned by fear to do anything that I do because the reward centers of my brain don't seem to be working.

 

I keep trying though.  When I went to my first doctor appointment last week, instead of throwing on my old sweats for comfort like I've been doing the last few years, I put together a nice outfit and even a tiny bit of perfume. I always used to use perfume because I enjoyed the way it smelled.  But last week as soon as I'd put it on, I regretted it, I immediately started 'tasting' it and began to feel nausea.  The clothes that I was wearing felt tight and uncomfortable, but I figured I would get used to it again.

 

I want my happy brain back.  I want to be able to be motivated to try and improve my life because doing things will bring small pleasures and satisfaction.  If I could feel something positive after cleaning a room, then I would be more likely to try and do it more often and then have the opportunity for increasing the feel good chemicals.  But instead I get nothing.  I seem to be stuck in a negative loop motivated by punishment rather than reward.  Surges of adrenaline and fear motivate me to do things in order to avoid something worse happening.... this is no way to live.  I had grown out of living this way, being motivated by fear, I had learned how to challenge my fear in order to do what I wanted to do so that I could experience the satisfaction of achievement and accomplishment.  I was living this way even before I put an SSRI in my mouth, but now its all turned around.  Its all fear, fear and more fear.  Everything I do is about avoiding fear, living through the fear, enduring the fear.  Waiting for the fear to pass and surviving each day in hopes that one day some of the good feelings will come back..... where did they go?

 

Have all my good feelings been chemically enhanced or induced by an unnatural chemical balance for such a long time that now they just don't work properly?  I know no one has the answer, it just makes no sense that suddenly I can only feel the unpleasant feelings, but not the pleasant ones.

 

While I was drugged, all my feelings were muted, the bad and the good, but I could still feel the whole range of feelings, just not so intensely.  I wonder why withdrawal completely turns off off the good ones for some people.  Anhedonia- inability to feel pleasure.

 

Maybe it comes back slightly, at times, like maybe 10%.  There have been a few times when I've noticed the smell of soap to be pleasant and occasionally at night, if birds are still tweeting, that can be a little bit nice.  My anhedonia isn't so bad at night.  I guess its the same as all my symptoms, not so bad at night.

 

So I guess this is my life right now.  Spending my days waiting for the night, when I feel a little more human.  Spending my life waiting to heal so I can have a life which consists of more than waiting to feel better.

 

I remember last week when I was suffering badly from loud tinnitus, deafness and dizziness, I was thinking that if this symptom would suddenly vanish, then I would be recovered.  I was certain of it.  It must have been a window.  A window obstructed by an unrelated condition.

 

I'm sure I'm recovering though.  My daughter has some fairly awful music playing loud and the washing machine is on its noisy spin cycle and I'm not feeling insane, I haven't even closed my door yet.  This time last year I would have been feeling like screaming and ripping my own hair out.  But I'm tolerating it.

 

I don't like windows, they bring temporary hope and then slam shut leaving me dazed, disheartened and somehow, more confused than ever.

 

Next month will be my 3 year anniversary of when acute withdrawal hit.  I've been dealing with this a long time. I'm in a wave and I'm miserable.  I'm starting to get a headache.  I seem to have run out of words, but I'm scared to stop writing because then I will have to face this awfulness without a distraction.

 

This time last week I was thinking that by now, I would be back at the gym, but instead I'm back to wondering if the milk will run out before I'm able to leave the house again. 

 

 

But its not about the milk, I want my life back.

[WinningThrough]

Dear Petu, I'm so sorry.

 

I'm certain you've hit a wave after starting to REALLY go into the waves and window pattern. We tend to think it must be something we did or ate but you know, I think windows and waves just happen rather than being about anything we did.

 

Wave suck after a window. I know this having recently started to get 'sort of' windows. We think we are starting to feel better and expect it to continue, only to get slammed again. I am currently in bed, in a wave, wondering what caused it. But it just is what it is.

 

I know someone who was really bad and has only recently started to have waves and windows. To start with, her windows were partial ones. More recently she's been getting windows of feeling NORMAL! She never thought this could be possible. But it's happening. She's so much in waves and windows now. She had a good window, a wave, then was mostly in a window with very short waves. Then she went into a wave, much like you have, and was so upset and discouraged. Now she is in a four day window! Her recovery is so clear to see.

 

From being in touch with her, I'm seeing something similar starting to happen with you. You've recently started having some very good windows. How amazing is that? It's happening. Your healing is happening! You had such a good window recently. Waves suck so bad and they often hit just after really good windows and are soul destroying.

 

Just keep focusing on your next window. It will come soon. I feel certain that you will be posting here soon telling us that you are in a clear and amazing window. I can see it happening, Petu.

 

X

[Meimeiquest]

Petu, I am so sorry. Just wanted to let you know I became way over-activated with racing thoughts by noon when I started a "juice fast." And I read on another thread that whey has a lot of glutamate or derivative in it. But once you are back to normal, I do think salads would be a good idea. We are always pulling for you!

[Muddles]

Sorry Petu. I can so relate to everything you write here...where's the pleasure?? I'm sure if we could find pleasure from something then this all wouldn't be so bad...a world full of nothingness.

It's not a life but somehow we have to really believe it won't be forever..and I'm sure it won't. When that next window opens maybe you will start believing this again.

[Muddles]

And the list of symptoms that haven't come back / it's a huge step Petu, even if you may not see it.

 

I know how we all feel - we want to get better, like now...we want to have just a bit of that person we once were. It's a very cruel journey to have to take but the tiny improvements and the recent windows are just proof that things are changing, however small...you can do this Petu. I admire your strength so much.

[Addax]

I know how horribly dissipointing and disheartening it is to have had a taste of what feels like your self and what could be only to have it taken away as quickly as it seemed to come and have the hope washed away with it. It's a cruel pattern and I know what you mean when you say you don't like windows. As if our brain is teasing us.

 

But in the relatively short time I've been a part of SA I've seen the description of your windows change. It's been my impression that each of your windows has become more hopeful and infused with more energy than the last. This suggests a pattern of healing to me. A pattern of improvements that go along with the ones that you point out yourself.

 

Waves can take away our hope and nearly blind us from being able to see the evidence that we are healing. However, the evidence is still there whether we're able to see it or not.

 

Your wave will pass. As hard as it is to believe that while on the midst of a wave, it really will. Evidence aside, just the fact that they are called waves indicates they are not stagnant and that they pass. If that weren't their pattern they'd be called something else.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Petu,

 

I have just started to read your post and I wanted to say something right now before I forget. You said:

 

 

Have all my good feelings been chemically enhanced or induced by an unnatural chemical balance for such a long time that now they just don't work properly?  I know no one has the answer, it just makes no sense that suddenly I can only feel the unpleasant feelings, but not the pleasant ones.

 

While I was drugged, all my feelings were muted, the bad and the good, but I could still feel the whole range of feelings, just not so intensely.  I wonder why withdrawal completely turns off off the good ones for some people.  Anhedonia- inability to feel pleasure.

 

I think we are sort of doing the same thing and I often get caught up in the anger at my inability to effect any lasting change. I am getting a feel for what may be happening at this point in recovery and it has to do with the description in a post made by Alto that I quoted in a recent thread about what happens when the serotonin receptors are 'repopulating' or up-regulating. If I can make my brain cooperate maybe I can find it later. They are healing, we just can't feel it yet. And I don't think we can make ourselves feel it.

 

But that is the stage I think we are in and darned if I can figure out how to change how it works. What I am doing right now is not a whole lot of anything externally but I am thinking about things. It was interesting that you mentioned that you too had considered OLD and meetup groups. I actually went so far as to register with a free site and am just casually browsing and getting a feel for how it works and just trying it on for the most part only inside my own mind. There was a post I recently read having to do with the right time to push something and it had to do with the amount of 'boredom' being felt. I am bored and my days are feeling way too long because my suffering has changed. I no longer feel as though I am crawling from one moment to the next. So I am trying something to relieve my 'boredom'. Something I can do from the comfort of my chair.

 

Perhaps if you left off trying to 'get better' with the smoothies, cleaning and the like and just do them for their own sake (not because they are good) and when they seem to throw your system in an uproar, leave them off and try to manage the despair. For me, most days I am convinced that I have never had any positive feelings in my life (and never will) but in reality, it's not really true. Someone actually messaged me on the dating site and what is interesting is that the quality of my thoughts has changed and I can remember some feelings of well being. It is just that the negative thoughts start crowding in and mess it up. The negativity that withdrawal from the drugs has caused. Things are ok today at this moment if I don't think too far ahead. It's when I start thinking about the enormity of what is left to so that I fall in the hole.

 

(In theory I think smoothies are a good idea but since I am in wd I will not touch one with a 10ft pole. At least not a raw veggie one and if I did I would not drink more than one or 2 tbsp a day. All those nutrients are super saturated in such a concoction. You'd get full quickly on a small amount of kale and not likely consume enough to get smacked with a dose of concentrated vitamins your system isn't used to. If that makes any sense.) My theory regarding trying anything new whether exercise, cleaning, or eating is that it should be felt if at all only mildly at first. Then if no bad reaction, increase slowly and wait.

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu

 

Sorry to hear about the wave. It's so devastating after a window. However, I think there is evidence off healing. You need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep up the tremendous courage and tenacity you have shown so far. I admire you, I have faith in you and am sending out hugs to you

 

D xx

[alex]

Hi Petu

 

Sorry to hear about the wave. It's so devastating after a window. However, I think there is evidence off healing. You need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep up the tremendous courage and tenacity you have shown so far. I admire you, I have faith in you and am sending out hugs to you

 

D xx

 

Ditto!!

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been hit with a wave. As I was reading your posts I started to question the smoothies. I'm a bit fuzzy tonight and don't think that I fully comprehended everything I was reading. Forgive me if I am off-base but I think  I see a pattern where you start to feel better and then run full speed ahead. Kinda like a puppy - run, run, run, crash. Maybe adding healthy things to our lives had to follow the same pattern as tapering. One thing at a time, in small increments. 

 

I do hope that you feel better quickly. I do believe that you are getting better. I am still rooting for you. You are still one of my heroes. And, just so you know, YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

[simon]

Hi Petu

Sorry to read your recent post.

What amazes me, looking at the chronology of it, is that youre so able to offer help and advice to others (myself included) even while youre in the thick of it. And with remarkable clarity and sense.

I really benefited from and was encouraged by your words of wisdom. Yet I can fully understand how devastating it must be to , from time to time , not be able to put those gems of knowledge and wisdom into practise in your own life. I think it must take great courage to express to others that you've had a temporary crash, instead of bottling it up and pretending that things are ok.

I guess when this happens to many others on this forum, they just go silent and don't post. I really admire your brutal honesty in the midst of it and wish you all good things.

Simon

[Wildflower0214]

Couldn't express it any better. I'm only 3 months into this. I'm scared I will not have the strength to keep going through this if it lasts for years.

[simon]

Do you do any form of meditation?

I have a feeling that it may seem a simplistic suggestion to somebody whose been on this journey a long time, but, twice in the last 18months, when ive slipped down into crisis, and having done the 8 week MBCT course, ive found that mindfulness, not only reduced the length of the downer, but greatly reduced the symptoms. So I was still able to concentrate, eat properly, have little or no anxiety. What remained was the general feeling of pointlessness and motivation. This all lifted in about 6 weeks, which, for me was a very short time.

I put it all down to the 'sitting' or lying meditations, that help you to stop ruminating which is part of the downward spiral of the condition.

What happens is that you become aware if your breath entering and leaving the body.Thoughts obviously arise and interrupt this flow. As each thought comes, you acknowledge it, but realize you don't have to follow it because at that point you gently come back to the sensations of the breath. This happens time and time again. But don't get frustrated because this is what the mind naturally does. You also notice that thoughts are thoughts and probably not facts. Sometimes you allow one thought to lead to another and another and youre miles away.

This doesn't matter. Its the realization that this has happened that's the success of the meditation, so you congratulate yourself as you come back to the breath.

For me, all the time I was doing this (and I did do a lot of it) my mind was not ruminating on my problems.

What I know though is that when youre feeling in great distress, it can seem very difficult to do. But just going through the motions of it I think has a healing quality and has the effect of eventually training your brain not to go down those blind alleyways.

Jon Kabat-Zinn has always been a helpful guide to me and is freely available on utube.

Simon

[Petunia]

Just keep focusing on your next window. It will come soon. I feel certain that you will be posting here soon telling us that you are in a clear and amazing window. I can see it happening,

 

I could see it happening too, I was so certain that I changed my avatar in anticipation, I thought it would encourage it to hurry up and arrive

 

 

 I became way over-activated with racing thoughts by noon when I started a "juice fast." And I read on another thread that whey has a lot of glutamate or derivative in it.

 

Thanks meimei, I bumped into that thread too I think, so I left the whey out.  That was the first of the most recent changes I tried, to get this wave under control.  I've been so frustrated and disheartened.  Its been difficult to get myself organized and out to the various places where I can buy healthier food, I've been struggling with a kind of daytime agoraphobia for too long.  So when I managed to get everything I needed for healthy, organic smoothies, I was optimistic (again).  So I wasn't going to give up completely, so quickly.

 

 

 I'm sure if we could find pleasure from something then this all wouldn't be so bad...a world full of nothingness.

It's not a life but somehow we have to really believe it won't be forever..

I agree Muddles, this is what makes it so incredibly difficult, even when the physical symptoms have settled down slightly.  There's just no motivation to do anything when there's no chemical reward which people take for granted, until its not there. Most of what I do is to avoid an imagined negative consequence and the closest thing to pleasure I get now is a slight feeling of relief, when something unpleasant stops or I manage to do something I needed to do, which was difficult, and now I can stop.

 

I've organized to go see a movie with my daughter and mum tomorrow afternoon.  My daughter suggested it, and I've agreed, sort of reluctantly because I'm not sure how its going to effect me.  Last time I went to a movie was about 2 years ago and I found it very overstimulating, difficult and I think it set me back.  For days after it was like my subconscious mind was struggling with images and themes from the movie, trying to sort it out.  My sleep was more disturbed for several days.  So anyway, I'm going to try again tomorrow.  I might end up regretting it, because I'm still in a wave, but ...... no reason, I'm just tired of living like this, having my life on hold. 

 

 

But in the relatively short time I've been a part of SA I've seen the description of your windows change. It's been my impression that each of your windows has become more hopeful and infused with more energy than the last. This suggests a pattern of healing to me. A pattern of improvements that go along with the ones that you point out yourself.

 

 

Thanks for mentioning this Addax, it helps to know this, especially because I'm still in the thick of this current wave and I can hardly remember ever having any windows, especially not the last one.  I can't believe that I actually bought some gym pants, believing that I would be going back to the gym the following week.  Its strange, I can remember my thoughts at the time, as I was buying them, but I can't connect with the emotions or the way I felt, which led me to believe what I was thinking.

 

At times I think that I should just go ahead, sign back up and start going, telling myself that it will make me feel better.  But I've made that mistake too many times, forcing myself to do something I think will be good for me, only to add more stress and another trigger for  something which feels like PTSD.  If I was certain that it would help, I would do it, but I'm scared of attaching negative associations to something else which I really used to enjoy a lot.  My world is getting smaller and smaller as more and more places and situations become contaminated with my experience of trying to be there while enduring horrendous, terrifying symptoms.  I can't seem to recall anything positive about any recent experience, only the bad stuff.  Its like as soon as I imagine going somewhere, all the previous bad memories associated with it flood my mind.

 

This week I shopped for groceries online and had them delivered, that was a first, I've always been able to get out to buy food at least once a week, but this week I just couldn't face it.  Which is a bit confusing, because grocery shopping hasn't been nightmare frightening for quite a while, in fact most of my recent shopping trips have been quite painless by comparison, but still, I just couldn't get myself there this week.  The memories of walking around with DP/DR while trying to buy groceries was too overwhelming.  I just want to be able to go out and feel like myself again and didn't want to be faced with the opposite of that one more time, not this week.

 

 

(In theory I think smoothies are a good idea but since I am in wd I will not touch one with a 10ft pole. At least not a raw veggie one and if I did I would not drink more than one or 2 tbsp a day. All those nutrients are super saturated in such a concoction. ....... My theory regarding trying anything new whether exercise, cleaning, or eating is that it should be felt if at all only mildly at first. Then if no bad reaction, increase slowly and wait.

 

It seems like I've been doing exactly what you wouldn't touch with a long pole , and after trying various variations of my smoothie experiment for about 2 weeks now, I'm starting to agree with you CW.  I was packing in the 'oh so healthy' organic veggies, feeling very proud of myself for being able to buy them, prepare them and drink down that awful tasting stuff.  About a week ago, when it still wasn't going very well, even after leaving off the whey, I found myself on a youtube channel listening to a certain NP, with quite a large following, talking about the wonders of fruit for healing just about everything really.  So I decided to change the recipe of my smoothies to include more fruit and less veg.  I'd also been communicating with someone who had got really good success in early benzo withdrawal by drinking mostly fruit smoothies. They tasted better, but my wave continued.

 

Yesterday, I gave up, no smoothie and I sort of started to feel better later in the day.  Coming out of wave better, not the normal late afternoon improvement better.  I slept better and longer last night too.  I dont think I woke up once all night, and that's a first, but this morning was worse than ever.  No, that's an exaggeration, its still not ever as bad as it was a year or two ago.  But bad in as much as I'm still in this current wave with my thinking bordering on psychotic with fear being my predominant experience, both physical and mental.

 

Its evening now here, so most of the physical stuff has stopped, I'm just tired, miserable, hungry and to be honest, I'm so exhausted I don't even have the energy to worry about how I'm going to manage getting out to see a movie tomorrow.  A few hours ago I was hungry and didn't have a clue what to eat, I've become so confused.  So I threw some almond milk, 3 strawberries a quarter of a banana, 2 baby spinach leaves in the blender, oh and a 2 inch piece of celery. It doesn't make any sense.  I could eat all of those ingredients separately with no problems, why would blending them up finely make such a difference?

 

I think I might have messed myself up even more by accidentally eating something with soy sauce in last night. Ironically, it tasted particularly good, lately everything tastes bland or awful, but this thing, which I came to be eating for dinner because of a bit of a mix up, was like a little blast from the past.  Food was actually tasting good, surprisingly good, that was obviously a red flag that I should have taken notice of.  But I didn't, instead I self indulgently enjoyed a few brief moments of enjoyment, not caring if I was going to regret it later.... this has gone beyond ridiculous

 

I've got more to write, but I'm tired and hungry.  Its back to plain rice and steamed veggies tonight.... yum

 

Thank you everyone for your support and comments, I want to reply individually, just wish I had more time and energy.

 

I spent way too much time this evening looking for an animated graphic to post next to Amy's comment about me being like a puppy that runs around and then crashes (which is probably true).

[bubble]

I also wish I had more time to reply. But just wanted to let you know very quickly that I'm thinking about you as always, enjoy reading about your journey although the sense of enjoyment seemingly doesn't go hand in hand with what you describe. I'm sending you all the positive energy for your journey and hope the visit to the movies surprises you.

 

The other day I decided to go to the town, pay a visit to a library, see an exhibition... We even had a dinner at a restaruant. All that instead of passing out on the couch after work. I was wasted and borderline enjoyed myself but also felt I can't be putting my life on hold (all the time). I make sure I add some variety to slumping once in a while. That way I can slump in more peace. 

 

hugs

[Petunia]

 

Sorry to hear about the wave. It's so devastating after a window. However, I think there is evidence off healing....

D xx

 

Ditto!!

 

 

Thank you D and Alex, its true I'm healing.  Older symptoms are falling away and decreasing in intensity, reminding me that something is going on.  I'm able to watch and listen to things which would have been impossible a year ago.  I've been watching a TV series of Trauma: life in the ER, its incredibly graphic and real, but its not bothering me at all, I'm finding it interesting and inspiring. 

 

Unfortunately I find myself getting a little disturbed by the personal stories at times, when patients are talking about their lives and what they will be going back to when they are recovered from whatever brought them into the ER.  I'm still having problems believing that I'm going to recover fully and can't see myself ever being able to rebuild a kind of life for myself worth living for.  I know this is still the withdrawal deceiving me, based on how I feel most of the time now, but that's my reality and I can't seem to think myself out of this, even though I know it not the truth.  Its basically impossible for me to imagine my life being any different from what it is now, apart from the occasional brief glimpse I sometimes get in an evening. I'm dealing with a very strange dichotomy in my thought process.  One part of myself is able to remind another part of myself that this current reality, including its thoughts and beliefs is going to change in time, it even points to evidence of recovery and change.  But the part of myself firmly entrenched in this current reality listens, but remains cynical and isn't able to envision anything different.  It isn't capable of positive states like hope, enthusiasm or faith, it sits helplessly at the bottom of its pit, surrounded by darkness, unable to see beyond its ongoing despair and loss.  There's no conflict between these two selves though, they are learning how to live with each other.

 

I think  I see a pattern where you start to feel better and then run full speed ahead. Kinda like a puppy - run, run, run, crash. Maybe adding healthy things to our lives had to follow the same pattern as tapering. One thing at a time, in small increments. 

 

 

You're completely right Amy, this is my pattern.  Its an old pattern and one I'm painfully having to learn how to change.  It just seems counter intuitive, that natural, healthy food, which is full of the nutrients my body apparently needs, could make a person feel worse, rather than better.  My past experiences (pre-withdrawal) of improving my diet and lifestyle have always quickly brought improvements in mood and energy levels, which has further motivated me to keep going, its so disheartening that its not working the same now.... confusing too.  I seem to do best when I throw out everything I've ever learned, heard, read or been told about diet and nutrition, and listen to what my body is telling me it wants.

 

 

What amazes me, looking at the chronology of it, is that youre so able to offer help and advice to others (myself included) even while youre in the thick of it.

 

This puzzles me too, its also frustrating that I'm not able to benefit from my own advice.  But in all honesty, when it gets really bad, I'm not able to help anyone else, most mornings are like this, especially in a wave, my withdrawal self completely takes over my mind and body and I just have to hang on for dear life, doing what I can to get through each moment, and the next and the next until the pressure eases up.  Eventually, at some point in the day, more often than not, I get to a point where I'm able to distract from what's going on inside, the inner torment lets up enough so that its not so overwhelming, then I can direct my focus outwards and its a relief, every time to get that freedom from myself, my withdrawal self anyway.  Trying to help other people helps me because it gives me somewhere meaningful that I can focus my attention, and I'm actually grateful that I'm able to do this, when there's not much else in my life at the moment that I'm consistently able to do.

 

Couldn't express it any better. I'm only 3 months into this. I'm scared I will not have the strength to keep going through this if it lasts for years.

 

Try not to worry JDM, everyone is different.  I've had a lot of ongoing stress for years, along with many different kinds of drugs, changes and CTs.  I've also recently discovered that I've caused some kindling because of the way I was using xanax for over a year, stopping and starting it over and over, when I was already in withdrawal.  Something I've learned through this experience is that we often have more strength and courage than we could have imagined possible.  Living in the present moment and focusing on one day at a time also helps.

 

 

Do you do any form of meditation?

 

Yes I do, and thank you for sharing what has worked for you.  I'm sure I've written about some of the meditation I've done earlier in my thread, but mostly what I've found helpful in withdrawal are guided meditations, sleep hypnosis and often, just listening to talks by various spiritual teachers.  When I was at my worst, and hyper-sensitive, I had to be very careful because there were times I couldn't even bear listening any human voice or music or anything. My own thoughts, even benign ones became excruciatingly painful, so I've had to learn how to stop them.   I was using the words peace and calm, in time with my breath, but someone here, I'm sorry I can't remember who it was, but they suggested I used the word 'the', and that actually works a lot better because its impossible for the mind to associate any kind of image or thought with it.  Never in my life did I imagine that I would get to a point where I would need to meditate in order to keep surviving, but that's what its been like.  Living from moment to moment with each one endured a little victory.  Thankfully, those extreme times seem to be over for the most part.  I get small reminders of them, sometimes in the early morning, but not the hour after hour of agony I used to face on a daily basis. 

 

I've read of others going through similar experiences.  I think some people might handle this kind of extreme inner sensation by crying and screaming, writhing around on the floor.  But for me, it feels more natural to try and be still.  Sometimes there would be automatic tremors and shaking, which would bring a little relief.

 

I've practiced various forms of meditation through much of my life, although I've never had a formal practice.  It started spontaneously when I was in my early teens, without knowing what I was doing, or even that it had a name.  For some reason I had an overwhelming urge to make a sort of shrine in my bedroom.  I would light a candle and watch the flame and turn my attention inwards, focusing on stillness.  I come from a completely non-religious, non-spiritual family, so this didn't make much sense and at the time my mother became worried, she later told me it made her scared.  But I remember it made me feel calm and safe and gave me a sense of being connected with something larger than myself.  Unfortunately, withdrawal has taken all that away.  I've lost my ability to connect with a higher power outside of myself.  This has turned into a 'dark night of the soul'.  Meditation has become a tool for survival, there is no longer anything mystical or blissful about it.

 

I remember years ago reading that for meditation, anything can be used to focus attention, and sometimes pain and discomfort are the best teachers.  The example used was tuberculosis.  It seemed rather morbid and unnecessary and I decided I would be fine meditating on more pleasant things whenever I felt like it.  If I had used meditation and mindfulness throughout my whole life whenever I've felt overwhelmed by my emotions, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in today.  Perhaps I needed to get more serious about it and this is what came along to wake me up to that fact. I'm finally learning how to properly use this powerful tool.  I was going to write that it should be taught in schools along side reading and science, but if too many people learned how to naturally manage their uncomfortable emotions, then a lot of industries would collapse.   I've rambled enough about meditation.

 

I'm sending you all the positive energy for your journey and hope the visit to the movies surprises you.

 

 

Thanks bubble and yes the movie outing did bring some surprises.  The first one was that I was surprised to find myself actually doing it, with as bad as I felt and as much as I didn't want to be doing it.  I expected to get absolutely nothing out of it for myself and was basically going for my daughter and mum.  In fact I was thinking it was going to be difficult, that the movie would be too stimulating and that I wouldn't be able to handle sitting there for 3 hours.  It was a long movie.  I was imagining that I would be cold or that I would keep getting hot flashes and sweats, that I would get dizzy or feel nauseous...... I wasn't sure I would be able to get through the evening.

 

But instead, I took it one moment at a time, just kept putting one foot in front of the other, walk out the door, get in the car, start the engine, reverse out of the driveway etc.  The second surprise was that while we were waiting for the movie to start, while there was nothing to do but sit and wait, I seemed to be the most relaxed and content one out of the three of us.  It was comfortable and peaceful, sitting in the semi-dark, with nothing to do but wait.  But I was listening to complaints and a bunch of negative comments from my mum on my left, was watching my daughter playing with her phone on my right, but I was peaceful, happy and calm.  Third surprise was that the movie was amazing, I loved it, and stayed completely focused for the entire 3 hours, it was a perfect distraction.

 

Unfortunately the movie ended and I was suddenly thrust back into the current reality of my life.  Surge of adrenaline, dread, wave of nausea, but it passed and I went back to my putting one foot in front of the other routine.

 

I've got a positive note to end on this time.  I've had a small miracle with my sleep.  For 3 nights in a row I haven't woken up in the night with hot flashes and sweating, not once.  This has been a consistent symptom since the beginning and I haven't had unbroken sleep since the beginning of 2013 when I tried to reinstate my ADHD meds.  The continual waking and night sweats started in Nov 2011, but stopped for a period of 2 or 3 months towards the end of 2012, I'm not certain exactly when it stopped, but it started again as soon as I started taking the dexamphetamine again, which I stopped again after about 10 days, but the constant waking and night sweats continued.  I noticed them decreasing in intensity over the last month or so, and now, they seem to have stopped.  Its strange how they have suddenly stopped, like I would have thought they would decrease from 5 wakings to maybe 3, then skip a night and perhaps some back and forth like that, but its gone from waking up 4 - 5 times every night, starting about 2am, to zero, three nights in a row.

 

Now I've probably jinxed it, by writing about it, but maybe not.

 

No smoothie today, but I managed to get myself back into a grocery store after over a week and I bought some blueberries, which will go into the next one.  I think the last one I made, with just minimal ingredients didn't do any further damage, so I will go with that for now, and perhaps not every day.

 

The other day I decided to go to the town, pay a visit to a library, see an exhibition... We even had a dinner at a restaruant. All that instead of passing out on the couch after work. I was wasted and borderline enjoyed myself but also felt I can't be putting my life on hold (all the time). I make sure I add some variety to slumping once in a while. That way I can slump in more peace.

 

You always inspire me, how you manage to keep up with work and going out and doing some of the things you want to do, and usually manage to get some enjoyment out of it.  It gives me hope that once my own stability improves, I will also be able to slowly do more of the things I want to do and start to feel some benefit from them.

 

Slumping is so important for recovery, so I think we all need to do whatever we can to ensure peaceful, guilt-free slumping

[Wildflower0214]

Petu,

Thank you for the encouragement. I just had a similar experience with food, and it's been days and it still hasn't worn off. I have a similar pattern of run, run, run, crash. And, I'm learning this is not the way to go. I hope that you feel better. I know you will. I admire you for being able to be a parent in the midst of all of this. Really. I am barely able to consistantly care for a dog. Thank you for your honesty and gentle spirit. Praying for you. That's really all I know to do.

Be well.

[crazykatie]

Petu,

 

I'm sorry that you're struggling lately. I really was intrigued with something you said. I have the same thing. Where we don't know what we are supposed to be, definition of character. I think I'm following? If not forgive me.

 

I've always let my sexual traumas define me as damaged goods. At the same time I had an extremely successful career n was very happy. I had done amazing things n I let my job start to define me. But then when I had my breakdow, I let the term bipolar define me, then I was not only damaged goods, lost my sense of achievement, n I was crazy!!

 

I am working on creating my identity in counseling. What is more important a career or being proactive about your recovery? So we take a little longer to clean, who cares? Look at your daughter n what you created. Let your first identity include recovery from psych meds and a father. Not to mention someone who gives many great hopes of the future!!

[alex]

I am exhausted from a nasty wave, and it is hard for me to read and write in english.

But I just want to tell you that you are a brave woman, and yes, you are onyour way to beat this monster.

I am with you dear Petu all the way to Australia.

 

Hugs,A.

[Ssriwarrior]

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you for sharing your journey!  I've skimmed over your thread and there is a lot I can relate to in the uncovering of the self process.  I also wanted to add that I had a round of tinnitus/ear wax build up/weird underwater feeling in my ear as well during one patch of my taper.  So crazy how all the systems of the body can be impacted by withdrawal.  

 

Much love to you for continued healing!

[mlrp]

 

What frightens me the most, especially the longer this goes on, is the growing sense of isolation because of the general lack of awareness, validation and support in the wider community.  I didn't have a very strong identity or sense of self to start with, but this unrecognized illness is making me feel like I'm becoming more and more invisible every day.  Even if I do eventually recover and manage to get back out there and join the rest of the world again, how do I explain these 3, 4, 5....years, however long its going to take.  Maybe no one else will even care, perhaps its just me still struggling to come to terms with this unbelievable 'thing' which has happened to me.  I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years and I still have problems knowing how to talk about it.

 

 

 

Hello, Petu,

 

Just a quick note to let you know that I am thinking of you. When I came back here after "going within" for a few days and saw your new avatar, I thought, "that's a good sign!" and I'm going to hold onto that. There's a lot on your thread to read and catch up on, and I'm in this stupid wave and can only take in so much at any one time, but please do know that I care. 

 

I quoted the part of your post above because it echoes precisely some of my major concerns about who or what of the world I once knew will still be left when I "return" to it? I feel like it's going to be some sort of Rip van Winkle moment... I'll be re-emerging into a world I will perhaps barely recognize with people who will have given up wondering, "whatever happened to...?" *sigh* I don't want to emphasize or reinforce any negative thinking, but I did want to let you know that you are not alone in such concerns. 

 

Still... we are going to beat this thing - we are. I was very, very happy and delighted to read about your recent window and the wonderful things you were doing while it was open. Don't give up hope. 

 

The world is going to hear from all of us one of these days and they will be amazed at what we will have come through.

[Athena]

Hello Petu,

Thanks for dropping by on my thread, it always means so much to me even if I don't write a lot. I still find it difficult to find the right words even in French so in English it's a big effort.

 

I saw your post about the great signs of improvement, sleeping in the morning and all. I know it hasn't been as well afterwards, but I think it means so much. It is there, it exists, and it will (or already has?) come back. I would also, like you mentioned, keep the same "ingredients" but at a lesser degree. Good vegetables and good proteins, what better ingredients could we give our bodies to heal?! I make smoothies too, and put it all in. The veggies, the blueberries, the ginger, the egg, and the protein, however I use organic hemp protein, it seems our bodies in general tolerate it better than whey. I know your body reacts badly to many things, but I think starting off with a little bit of anything is the way to do. But then again, I was unable to read your whole thread since, so this is my small personal input!

 

I am very sensitive to noise too (having to move because of it says a lot!!). So I use ear plugs too, at night when too much noise around, and when I wake up too early in the early morning when the dog next door starts playing around. If it helps us sleep I think that's what's important, we can deal with unplugging our ears later!!

 

We are NEVER back to square one. The good work and what has healed stays.

 

Hugs!!

 

Athena

[mattinsmom]

Hi

Checking in and hoping that things are improving for you. 

[Petunia]

Thank you to all who have written on my thread since I last updated.  I've almost posted here a few times, but these days, I'm struggling with a lot of anhedonia, apathy and demotivation, there doesn't seem to be much point in updating my own thread.

 

I eventually came out of that last wave, slowly, but then I just seemed to be back in a place not much better, different, slightly, but still the same daily routine of waking up into an awful reality after going to sleep the previous night with hopeful expectations.  I get the odd day here and there where I really do seem to be improving.  Like, one day last week I did some weeding in my front garden and it was ok, I actually sort of enjoyed it and got a small sense of satisfaction.  But yesterday, I tried to do a little more, but I quickly became dizzy, lightheaded, started breaking out in hot/cold sweats.

 

I don't like my life, I basically exist from day to day, waiting for the evening when I usually get a little relief from feeling awful.  Then I can comfortably do a few things like eat, clean, take out the garbage, go buy a few groceries if I need to.  On some days I can do things earlier, on other days I feel bad all day and then just fall asleep exhausted.  I think I'm getting better, but its so slow and I've been like this for about 3 years now, the last 18 months completely drug free.

 

I'm often engulfed with feelings of shame and guilt for not being able to pull myself out of this, from the outside it looks like I have everything I need to make the most out of the rest of my life.  But I rarely allow myself to even imagine what a better life could look like because its too painful to realize that I'm not capable of doing anything to bring it into reality, and I don't know when or if I will ever be able to.

 

Its easiest when I'm alone, although I get very lonely because I can't seem to connect with anyone, not in any real way.  The extreme reality of this withdrawal experience has taken me off the map of normal and I just can't seem to connect any longer to most 'normal' human concerns.  It takes every last drop of strength for me to try and empathize with someone because they don't have time to go and get a pedicure today or because they are bored or don't know what to make for dinner.... I end up feeling guilty because I can no longer connect and care.  I remember what it was like to be disturbed by all the small stuff,  mostly I didn't complain, but just dealt with it, fixed it if possible, looked for solutions..... everything is different now, I'm different and I can't fix it.

 

The past, present and future are all mixed up together in my mind, tumbling around like they are in a washing machine, I'm watching all this stuff going around and around, mostly its one blurry mess, but occasionally something will catch my attention and I will recognize it, yes, that was the purple and yellow sock I thought I lost several years ago, but there it is, still safe, getting washed clean, one day I might be able to match it with its partner and put it away where it belongs.

 

I keep doing things to maintain daily life, when I can, as best I can, but nothing has any meaning any more.  I used to think that everything I did was a step towards some kind of better, everything had a reason or purpose behind it.  Life was a linear journey, I was going somewhere, moving towards, progressing and helping other people along their own paths of progression.  This is how I viewed life, all life, we are all here on this planet evolving towards something better.

 

But I was asleep, dreaming a pleasant dream, now I'm awake in the middle of a nightmare and it looks like this is and always was reality.  I was asleep even before going on antidepressants, perhaps I was starting to wake up and they kept me sleeping a bit longer.

 

I don't know, I don't know anything any more.  I used to believe that every question had an answer somewhere, but now it looks like there are no definitive answers to anything. Life is an endless river of choices with no beginning and no end, ultimately it doesn't matter what we do, but how we experience what we do.  Ironically, I've been brought to a place where I have no control over how I experience reality, before realizing that this is the only important thing. Reality is what we choose to define it as, but I seem to have lost my ability to choose.

 

But then again, if I try hard enough, I should be able to accept even this, no matter how long it lasts.  Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, nothing I think about seems to make sense these days.

[Athena]

It makes a lot of sense to me.

Wouldn't be able to find the words like you do though.

[Rhiannon]

Petu, your eloquent writing always moves me. You find a way to put words to the experiences and suffering that so many of us live through. Every time I read your posts there is at least one point where I think, "yes, that sounds familiar, yes I know that feeling." I am so moved that out of your suffering you are able to create something that is healing and sustaining to so many of us. Thank you.

[Petunia]

Its been 6 days since I wrote that last rather miserable post and today I'm feeling, almost like a completely different person.  I'm still having difficult mornings.  Like this morning I woke up to this dialog going on in my head.  It was some kind of monolog about anorexia and it had me on the verge of panic, which didn't make any sense at all because I'm the least likely person to get anorexia, especially now. There was a time in my 20's when I was obsessive about my weight, but I've never been at risk of having an eating disorder, so this was very strange and a good example of how irrational neuro-thoughts can be.  I'm still waking to feelings of dread, but not as intense, they subside quicker and I'm able to distract from them now.  I'm still waking several times through the night with hot flashes and adrenaline surges, starting from about 4am.  But I can go back to sleep until 6/7.

 

Physically, I'm so much better, the anxiety I'm still feeling is now much more of the psychological kind and for the past few days its been decreasing faster and by lunch time its pretty much gone from my baseline experience.  It still gets triggered easily by stress, but even when that happens it calms down faster than it has been.

 

I've been watching some fairly violent and graphic videos too, in the evening and its been fine, apart from my normal  kind of reaction.  They haven't been triggering any weird emotions or terror like how it was a year ago when TV commercial were too stimulating for me.  I haven't tried watching TV in ages though.  I'm not sure I want to.

 

I'm now able to just jump in the shower without a second thought again.  This is a huge relief because for a long time its been a major chore which took a few days to psyche myself into and brought lots of fear and at times, especially earlier on, feelings of terror. 

 

I wish I could say that I've been doing nothing different and this is just a normal wave of recovery, but some things have changed and I think I should document them.  This could be just a window, or perhaps I've influenced my recovery in a positive way.

 

Three things have changed:

 

I started taking zinc about 2 weeks ago.  I experimented a bit and have settled on 15mg of zinc piccolonate with dinner at night.

 

I started taking evening primrose oil one week ago, 1 500mg capsule every morning.  I haven't been able to take fish oil because I've found it too stimulating, so I thought I would try the EPO, I seem to be able to tolerate this.

 

Last Thursday (6 days ago), my parents brought my treadmill to my house, its been stored in their patio for the last 2 years.  I've been using it every day since then.  I started right after they left, I did 5 mins of walking.  Each day I have increased by 1 minute.  Its so much easier and less anxiety provoking to get on a treadmill at my house, than to venture out into the world for a walk.  After walking on the treadmill, I've been doing some light stretching and for the last 3 days I've also extended my 'workout' into the garden by then doing some weed trimming with my new grass trimmer.  I bought a rechargeable one so I don't have to worry about getting out the extension power cord and dragging all through the yard.  This is so much easier.  I can't remember if I wrote about this or not, but when my old trimmer died, I ordered a new one online.  It arrive fast.  I also found a place to order the replacement spools for the kind I got, and ordered one of those.  I was so proud of myself.  Then when the trimmer arrived, there was some assembly and I managed that too.

 

I'm learning how to make things easier for myself to avoid stress and in the process, things are getting less stressful and I'm able to accomplish things and its helping to build my confidence back up.  By expecting less from myself, I'm slowly starting to achieve more.

 

So those are my 3 changes.  Time will tell if they have really helped.

 

I just realized something else.  Grocery shopping has become significantly easier this week too.  I even went 2 days in a row.  DP/DR has been low and one day recently, when I was shopping I was actually able to make some spontaneous decisions about what to buy, based on meal planning that I was doing in my mind, while shopping.  Its been a long time since I've been able to think, plan, make decisions and put stuff in the cart all at the same time.

 

So, I don't know if this is a random window, or if my baseline has improved, but either way, this week is turning out to be the best I've felt since I went into serious withdrawal.

[alex]

You are getting definetly better Petu.

That's exactly how it went for me.

To this day, I can say I am 75-80% recovered.

It is amazing indeed.

You are on your way to recovery.

 

Hugs,A.

[LoveandLight]

That's great news

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu

 

So glad to hear you have had such positive experiences recently. You are like an everyday hero to me as someone who shows immense insight and courage.

 

Thanks for sharing your insights. One of my favourite bits above, 'by expecting less of myself I'm achieving more'. Less is more-easy to say, not so easy to do.

 

Take care

 

D xx

[calithebold]

I hope I can be as strong as you now I'm way at the beginning of my journey. I'm sure you will be an inspiration for me

[lobster]

Hi Petu.

I'm so Happy for you. It sounds like your gaining some traction in the mud. Hopefully you will have your self dug out soon and be headed down the road again :-)