Muddles: desperate

[chicken]

Muddles,

This is great news!

I had prayer for you, Winning Through and Skylerblue75, Sunday at church. Though, I pray for everyone here, I mentioned you three by name.

 

I hope you have more breakthroughs like this.

[Muddles]

Thank you chicken...that's so nice of you. Keep praying for us! X

[mammaP]

Wonderful! Alto recommended once to take pictures of things that bring or brought pleasure, and then look at them. I think it is to try to stimulate your "pleasure centers." Yes, we are all pulling for you and your family!

Meime's post just reminded me of a documentary where they showed people pictures

of things while in a scanner to see any changes in the brain.  There was a visible reaction

when pleasurable things were shown. And recently another one showed the same thing with,

of all things, chocolate, and the same thing happened when people were shown pictures of

chocolate.  I know that nothing gives you any pleasure or emotion, but looking at pictures of

things, people and places you always loved it will exercise the brain. 

 

I imagine it to be similar to when muscles have wasted and there is no movement. My leg muscles

wouldn't work no matter how hard I tried but I couldn't leave the hospital until they were moving so

I had to work those muscles. At first I couldn't lift my leg off the bed even a centimeter, not even 

enough to slide a piece of paper underneath. I sat there and just tried and tried, 2 days later I was

trying to lift it and going red in the face like I was in the pushing stage of labour, grunting and groaning

then my leg went up and just off the bed. The whole ward cheered! ( I was on effexor and couldn't care

less, in fact I just couldn't be bothered but didn't want to stay there I wanted out so I did as I was told    ).

 

I know it isn't the same but I do believe that if we surround ourselves with positive things and people we 

love it can only help recovery.  I also found http://www.pinterest.com/ a great distraction, just looking at

all the pictures is very therapeutic. I can go anywhere in the world, grow my garden, decorate my house

and do tons of craft stuff on pinterest. It got me through some tough times and whiled away a lot of hours. 

 

I remember when I felt like you and thought I should be able to end my life when it was so painful. I mean

the unseen pain from inside that those drugs and withdrawal caused. The akathisia and suicidal obsessions.

Physical pain is nothing in comparison.  I told people that they would put down an animal out of compassion

and it was totally unfair that I had to suffer.  

 

But that did end, It did get better, and your little window was just a reminder that you will get better too. 

Sorry if I'm not making much sense and hope you get what I'm trying to say, I'm not doing great finding words 

right now! 

[Skylarblue75]

Muddles, im so glad you had a small window! Even if it was brief it was something. Im always think of you. Big hugs!

 

God bless you

[Muddles]

I can't live like this...I'm struggling to write and type now. My frontal lobe area is dead and it's the most distressing thing anyone could go through. I'm not human in anyway shape or form. Not functioning in any aspect of life...I'm dead.

[westcoast]

Hi Muddles, I just wanted to let you know that my heart is going out to you and I am hoping you will keep eating, drinking, and sleeping as well as you can. It seems like your level of functioning is minimal and the distress you are experiencing is maximal. It's complete, absolute hell and no one should be forced into it.

We go through states of being that DID NOT EXIST before these terrible unsafe drugs were foisted on humanity. There's going to come a day when this syndrome is recognized and there will be help, even if it's padded cells for as long as we need them. I deplore seeking medical help because medical personnel are quick to label me as some kind of mentally ill but completely unable to believe or understand that it started with a psych med, and hasn't ended yet. I was not mentally ill before Effexor. I was not psychotic and I did not have seizures. Period.

I know it is the same for you and I do believe your brain can heal. It's just that it takes years, and the intervening days are as close to unbearable as I've known. There's nothing else like this. Ordinary depression and anxiety? ha ha ha. Child's play.

Please hang in there a day at a time and keep posting so we know you're with us, and fighting. Yes, you are fighting--every breath you take is part of the fight.

xo

wc

[Petunia]

I can't live like this...I'm struggling to write and type now. My frontal lobe area is dead and it's the most distressing thing anyone could go through. I'm not human in anyway shape or form. Not functioning in any aspect of life...I'm dead.

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering like this Muddles, but I wanted to give you some hope.  I've gone through periods just like this...not being able to write or type or understand anything I read.  I've been like I can't have the simplest of conversation because I can't understand anything.  I've experienced having to concentrate really hard to make a cup of tea, because I've forgotten how to do it.

 

I know what you mean about not being able to function in any aspect of life, its happened to me too.  The most basic of chores requires heroic amounts of energy, concentration and courage.

 

I remember trying to play a simple word game with my daughter, but I just wanted to die, it was so difficult to focus on the letters and form them into words, my brain wasn't working, all I could manage were basic 3 letter words like hat and cup.  I could only play for a few minutes at a time before becoming completely exhausted.

 

But that stage passed, it improved in a wave like pattern. I still have bad days, but my brain function is coming back and yours will too. I don't think your frontal lobe area is permanently dead, just like mine wasn't, I think its temporarily closed down for repairs.  You are still human and very much alive, your brain and nervous system needs to use most of your available energy for important recovery work, so try and relax and allow your body to do what it needs to do. 

 

Are you still tapering or holding on 9mg?

[Muddles]

I will write mdkr later z I'm thankful for your words

[Muddles]

Going to do cold turkey from this amount. Nothing has changed since it stopped working...had enough.

[mammaP]

I can understand your frustration Muddles, it's been sheer hell for you. How about speeding up the 

taper rather than cold turkey?   I hope things get better for you once you are off, you deserve some

windows. 

[Muddles]

Thanks mamma.

 

Thinking back and looking at my posts things have got worse. My memory is going, I stutter and have got lost out in the car today. I didn't recognize my surroundings anymore and struggling to write properly. I forget to eat and drink. 24hour suicidal.

 

I am close to bloody death's door here.

[mammaP]

Wish I could make it better for you, I would in a heartbeat. x

[Muddles]

There has got to be something I can take to save my life - please anyone??

 

Thank you mamma

[Meimeiquest]

Muddles, do you have someone who can stay with you and the children? Remind you to eat and drink, be company while the scary thoughts slide by? My mom spent six weeks with me and my children, but I know not everyone has that option. Could the home-visiting crisis team help you and your husband put together a plan?

[mattinsmom]

Aww honey

 

If I could I would sit there and hold your hand, bring you sustenance, remind you that it does get better. It wasn't that long ago that I was looking at that same bleak decision to stay or go. I have visited that hell since I was a little kid. The only thing I know is that so far, no matter how bad it has gotten, it has always gotten better - at least for a minute. 

 

Maybe your cuts have all snowballed and are hitting extra hard. You are 6-weeks out from your last cut, as far as I can tell, and from what I've read that is a big marker for things having actually left your body. I could be way off base, and I hope someone can clarify all of this, but I think you are at a point where your body is finally feeling the full effects of your cuts. This isn't a forever spot. It is a for now spot. 

 

I hear you say ct but I feel like saying stay put or even updose. I know those are probably the last words you want to hear, they are the last words I ever want to hear, but honestly, this is temporary. It will change. 

 

I don't know how to help you but maybe just knowing that I would do anything I could helps a little. I am praying for you. Please don't let go.

[Muddles]

Friends trying to push me to do cbt. How can that help with complete apathy, aheodinia, burning skin, constant suicidal thoughts and images, sickness, 24 hour do/dr, and a dead brain????

 

I am tired if putting everyone through this. I can't forgive myself...can't.

 

I want to live like that person I was....I know I can't. I never ever in a million years would have thought about suicide - EVER...last person on the planet. MY KIDs WERE MY LIFE.

 

can't forgive myself, can't forgive myself.

[Meimeiquest]

Muddles, are your children okay today?

[andy]

I wish I could help muddles,please don't discount cbt it worked wonders for me and I was hospitalised twice

Try the rethink.org link I posted ,they offer many forms of support

[Meimeiquest]

Muddles, The inside of an operating room is usually a pretty "happening" place...friendly banter, music, etc. Until there's a problem. You don't know there's a problem by the chaos, you know there's a problem by the quiet. Suddenly everyone is just thinking about whatever it is their job to do. Very focused. I have to say the "operating room" of you is very, very quiet right now. I really would urge you towards some type of help. I think CBT is a great idea. They won't try to make you think happy thoughts, if I understand correctly, they will give you ideas for coping in this very trying time. This is a vast desert you are trekking through. It is not you. As has been said before, please stay with us. This difficulty will not last forever.

[Muddles]

Friends dragged me to the docs today - again!

 

New doc who's worse than the other one. He said suicidal thoughts don't happen in withdrawal and that this is my original condition.

 

My original condition was stress and anxiety - I was working in a hospital and witnessed people dying everyday. It messed my head up as I was so scared of death. I was stressed and exhausted.

 

How can someone who was so scared of death suddenly wish for it every second of the day.....how can someone who worried about my daughter being in someone else's car without me suddenly not give a cramp where she is or who she's with.

 

Give me a break. No wonder there are so many people taking their own life.

 

This system needs to change big time.

 

Our people need to know.

 

This crao destroys lives - end of. Poison.

[mattinsmom]

I am truly sorry for the extreme suffering you are experience. I am hoping that you are able to grasp any hand that is extended to you. I wish I had a way to be there and support you. What I can do is pray. I am praying for you. May you find the strength to keep breathing, to keep trying, to keep fighting even tho you are running on empty.

[btdt]

A starved brain is not something you want right now get some ensure.. it is a dietary supplement or replacement and drink a lot of it... if you have not been eating your body needs things and a sure way to have your brain mess up in not to feed it. 

When I worked with disabled kids some ate only this so I know you can if you have to live on it... I also had it for months years ago when my jaw was wired after a car accident.... 

 

this is important... and the best advice I can give you to start with try drinking a few... 

 

I have not been here so am not completely up to date on you but eating is the first thing... since you have been missing food this is a quick fix and something I had to do myself lately... I drank three ensure in the parking lot... at times I have mixed it with electrolytes for babies ... if your really really dizzy do the electorlyte one then an ensure... I switch them up ... dizzy like you can't walk is the baby electorlyte for sure... not eating ensure. 

pecan ensure is my fav new flavour they use to really suck this one I find a bit better. 

Hope things improve quickly. 

peace

[chicken]

A starved brain is not something you want right now get some ensure.. it is a dietary supplement or replacement and drink a lot of it... if you have not been eating your body needs things and a sure way to have your brain mess up in not to feed it. 

When I worked with disabled kids some ate only this so I know you can if you have to live on it... I also had it for months years ago when my jaw was wired after a car accident.... 

 

this is important... and the best advice I can give you to start with try drinking a few... 

 

I have not been here so am not completely up to date on you but eating is the first thing... since you have been missing food this is a quick fix and something I had to do myself lately... I drank three ensure in the parking lot... at times I have mixed it with electrolytes for babies ... if your really really dizzy do the electorlyte one then an ensure... I switch them up ... dizzy like you can't walk is the baby electorlyte for sure... not eating ensure. 

pecan ensure is my fav new flavour they use to really suck this one I find a bit better. 

Hope things improve quickly. 

peace

I agree with Ensure being a good supplement.

 

My grandfather's sister was in a nursing home for 3 years before she died. She could not eat very well. She lived those three years mostly on Ensure, if not entirely.

Give it a try, it may help replace some nutrients you are not getting.

 

Still praying for you.

[Muddles]

Thanks chicken. I will do.

 

Thanks bdtd.

 

I don't like living like a disabled person but am.

[Muddles]

Mm - thank you.

[Muddles]

My dads brain was better than mine is now - he was 91 and had had a stroke.

 

I want to grieve and remember him :-( so sad.

[btdt]

Thanks chicken. I will do.

 

Thanks bdtd.

 

I don't like living like a disabled person but am.

I don't like it either but I am at times today for instance I did not get out of my night gown but I am still here and I have been thru worse and i will not give up now... I am going kicking and screaming and problem solving all the %#$&ing way.... 

A bit of ensure never hurt anyone I was just glad to see it actually helped. So many things like this I can't even count them in the years gone by... so many.  Still it is better than being completely sick... relief is relief and it counts everything counts. 

I wish you peace

[Muddles]

Thank you bdtd

 

This morning I have sickness. I'm not if its withdrawal.

[Muddles]

Can't keep anything down...is this withdrawal?

[mattinsmom]

It could be. My stomach gets really funky when I've made cuts. I also have a lot of trouble when I haven't been sleeping well. Lack of sleep always hits my stomach and my feelings of being overwhelmed. I hope that you feel better soon. 

[Muddles]

Tardive Dysohoria - has anybody ever recovered??

 

Alto - please reply. Can I recover?

[Muddles]

Not sure i can take another day.

 

Akathisia, not wanting to be around my children, sickness, racing thoughts, my nerves feel like they are on fire, deep black deoression with constant suicidal thoughts. I'm bed bound and comfusedZ

 

Feel like I've been poisoned.

 

I want out of this so bad. Had enough.

[bubble]

Dear Muddles,

 

we all recover. We have no other option.

 

It's hard to give you some advice when we don't have the whole information. Did you stop taking the drug completely as you said you would? It seems you are now doing even worse than before ;(

 

All I can say is that I would never leave any option or any possibility unexplored, any stone unturned especially not the talk therapy. I spent many years wishing for my old self to come back. Then one day I just had to accept that that sick person was who I was at that time. That was the beginning of my return to my old self. Therapy helped me immensely. It cannot help with the withdrawal symptoms per se, of course. But it can help with managing our feelings and though processs that arise from withdrawal. It helps us not to be alone and get entangled into the mesh of neuroemotions.

 

I'm sorry I can't help more at the moment. But I believe you can help yourself more than you think. If you stopped the drug and it made you even worse than before, maybe a slower discontinuation might have been less disruptive.

[Muddles]

Thanks bubbles

 

I have stopped it altogether. I had ran out of tablets and the utter apathy prevents me from doing anything - no more tabs. I must admit my head is clearer...doesn't feel so dead. I'm scared I have shot myself in the foot but I wasn't getting anywhere with slow reduction.

 

I don't know what to expect now. I am already disabled and feeling very damaged.

 

I need a time machine! Go back to when my kids were babies and savour every minute. I miss being able to love them. What mother deserves this? What mother can live this way. Torture beyond belief and I am devastated and traumatised. Is this really happening?

[Muddles]

Thanks for all of your support. This is too much for anyone to have to bare. It's not a deoression I could quite out into words. It's beyond any human emotion and its really got me. My head is so black and the deoression and loss of life simply makes me physically sick. To wake uo like this...not caring for anything or anyone has taken its toll. I was not this person. I am too weak and throw uo every night because I can't face going to bed to have to wake uo like this. It's too much. Beyond humanity. My head is tortured every minute of the day......too much. Another victim...another wonderful person robbed....f you drug pushing b'sratds.

 

Sarah xx

[mattinsmom]

Sarah

 

The old you is still there. She is the one fighting. She is the one screaming f-you. She is the one wanting to want. She is sick and desperate and scared but she is still there. If you didn't love your kids it wouldn't bother you that you feel the way you do. 

 

I hear your agony and cannot even begin to imagine what I would do to get by. I do have a therapist who has talked me of the ledge (seriously) on more than one occasion. I couldn't do this without her. I know that I am lucky. I also use DBT methods. I hope that you are able to try different techniques until you stumble upon the one(s) that help.

 

Prayer to you. I haven't given up on you yet.

 

xo Amy