Muddles: desperate

[mattinsmom]

Stopping by to say hello and to wish you a better weekend. 

[Muddles]

Thank you. Pretty much the same here. I feel so toxic it's torture.

 

I hope you are ok. Hugs.

[Wolfhound]

I am thinking of you. I sincerely hope you´ll be better soon.

[Muddles]

Thank you Wolfound. I hope you see better days since your wave hit.

[mattinsmom]

Saying hello. 

[Muddles]

Hello!

 

I'm really not coping with this emotional anaesthesia - no-one should have to live like this.

 

My pyschiatrist medical visits will have to stop. He's a complete arse who reckons no-one suffers after withdrawel and believes this 10% method is ridiculous. I have never come across anyone as arrogant and refuse to be spoken to like a two year old. He has no idea of the person I was before meds so he has no right to judge.

Get me off the drug and see what we are left with were his words. Three weeks before I'm back to my old self. Makes me sick.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[mattinsmom]

No apologies needed for ranting. We all need to do it, it is a release. 

 

I am sorry that your Dr. is an arse. Mine is too. Unfortunately I think that tends to me the more common experience. 

 

I wish I had more to offer. I hope that you see how strong you are. 

[Muddles]

I am experiencing some kind of hallucinations - hearing the telephone when it's not actually ringing and sirens when drifting off to sleep. I am scared by all of this. I really am.

[mattinsmom]

I am sorry that you are scared. I know that I went through about 2-weeks of hearing my phone and other faint musical sounds. I was super stressed when it happened. I don't really know how/why it stopped.

 

I wish I could help you figure out what is causing yours but I don't understand how these things work.

[Muddles]

I've had it before on mirtazapine so definitely drug related as I am not stressed. The twitches and jerks have come in full force too. I really can't believe how damaging these drugs are. I sure wish I had a time machine.

 

Thanks for your reply. I hope you are ok.

[Muddles]

The psychiatrist did say that because the drug is not doing it's job (poop-out) I am basically toxic.

 

Please, would someone help me decide if I should do a faster taper. I can't stand prolonging this agony any longer than I have to. I just want off!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Not sure what he meant by 'toxic' but you could always taper faster and see how your body reacts. If things go rough you can updose and go back to being more conservative. You know we will support you no matter what you do.

[Muddles]

Thank you

 

. I'm so scared of this ordeal...if I was off the drug I think I could cope with what I am suffering now, but who knows what the hell is going to happen once off it.

 

How fast is too fast?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

How fast is too fast?

 

 

see how your body reacts

 

That is your guide.

[Muddles]

Thanks.

 

He basically said that if the drug is no longer working it becomes toxic.

 

I think I have been toxic the whole 5 years on it.

[mammaP]

Hi Muddles, I know you have been really sick all the time on the mirtazepine, and desperately want to be 

off it. I feel for you every time I read your updates. Have any drops resulted in any worsening for you?

Have you felt any relief at all, however tiny?  It is so hard in your situation, it's damned if you do and damned

if you don't!  Are the sounds new? Or have you had them before? I'm just wondering if they are due to the last

cut. 

[bubble]

You know I'm following you closely and am at a loss as to what to suggest. It will be helpful to answer Mamma's P questions.

 

As far as I remember, for you and Skybert things just go bad sort of irrespective of cuts or holds (as far as we were able to establish) and it was not for  alack of trying and endurance on your part. I agree what CW said about listening to your body about the signs. Now would be the time to make another cut to 9 mg following the 10 % every 30 day rule so maybe we could monitor very closely what happens and what kind of effect it has on you.

 

I totally, totally understand how scary it is to hear these sounds but if it's any comfort I'd say it's not so bad because these are sounds that are naturally around anyway. 

 

I find what MammaP  wrote here very comforting and it reminds me of you:  (not sure she found teh video she mentions

 

big hug!

 

 

MammaP on symptoms in withdrawal and our CNS fighting them 

 

sometimes there seems to be no obvious reason for symptoms to change in withdrawal. 

Someone posted a video a few months ago about how the nervous system heals and I thought

it was really good. I'll see of I can find it.  Basically the nervous system heals one thing then moves

on to another, it is while it is healing that we get the weird symptoms. I saw a documentary once 

about the 'flu virus and how it progresses. It was interesting because it taught us that the awful

symptoms are actually good because it is the body's immune system doing it's job of fighting

the infection.  

 

 

[Muddles]

Sorry - was trying to quote but didn't know how to do it.

 

I have dropped down to 9mg but have not up-dated my sig. The complete apathy stops me from doing anything and it's so difficult to even type here. I will do it though.

 

I have never felt well since pooo-out. Any drops don't help at all. The akathasia comes from no-where along with everything else. If I could feel some kind of emotion I think I could do this. It's a terrible crime for this to happen.

 

These sounds I've had before on mirtazapine - when I had my breakdowns (Akathasia) in the past.

 

I thank you for your comforting words and continued support.

[bubble]

Hello Muddles,

 

thank you for your reply especially since things are so hard. You did quote the post well. Everything was fine, you can just continue typing below the quote and that's it. But since you wrote a reply in a new post, I removed those attempts so that they don't clutter your thread.

 

It seems that the appearance of symptoms is not related to a cut because it appeared on the 8th and you cut on the 9th. Any change after the cut is important to notice, especially after day 4 when it really takes effect. I'm not good at keeping track of my symptoms but I see why we recommend doing it: if you don't, your memory tricks you into believing that everything is the same blur all the time.

 

But we know that's not true. We've seen symptoms changing with you and there was even that beautiful window. So even if you've never felt well since what you call poop out, things have been different. Without closer monitoring of the symptoms it's hard to say how your CNS actually reacts to these changes and what would be better: longer holds, slower or faster taper. As CW said, only your CNS can tell you what is too fast and it's telling you this through symptoms so that's why it's so important to closely monitor them.

 

I only mange to do that when I'm fairly symptomatic but when I'm doing fine, I drop the habit ;(

 

Maybe it would help you do use this check list: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2390-dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

 

take care!

 

bubble

[Muddles]

Thank you Bubble.

 

gosh this seems to be getting worse by the minute.

[Muddles]

Has anyone ever come across anybody who has been in a similar position to me on this board or elsewhere?

Total emotional numbness and poop-out on full dose?

I would be interested to here if so. Would be interested to see how they tapered etc.

[mattinsmom]

Oh I don't think you are alone in feeling numb. I also don't think you are not feeling anything. You sound angry and frustrated (rightfully so). You are experiencing emotions, just unpleasant ones.

 

I decided to stop my meds after spending a weekend sitting on my couch - doing nothing. I didn't read, watch tv, talk to anyone. I simply sat and stared and knew something had to give. I could see that I had gone so far down that I didn't recognize any part of me anymore. Except for that part that gets back up. You have that part too. You keep getting up. That is why I know that you are going to make it thru this.  

 

I can't advise about tapering. Sorry. I do agree with others that no matter how you proceed, listening to your body is very important. 

[btdt]

Has anyone ever come across anybody who has been in a similar position to me on this board or elsewhere? 
Total emotional numbness and poop-out on full dose? 
I would be interested to here if so. Would be interested to see how they tapered etc. 

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription. 
Severe adverse reaction
Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.
Suffered for 6 months. Side effects calmed down but suffered two severe breakdowns on it.
Also developed OCD.
Poop out - December 2013
15mg
Currently on 13.5mg, 
April 12mg
May 10th - 11mg
June 10th - 10mg
July 8th - 9mg

 

I am not sure I understand and would like for you to clarify some things for me.

Suffered for 6 months. Side effects calmed down but suffered two severe breakdowns on it.

What did the break downs look like what did they do about it?  What side effects did you have that calmed down? 

I know what my definition of pooped out is but I don't know yours...

Poop out - December 2013

what happened in 2013 that was different then the previous years on the drug?  

I have not read you thread and maybe all the answers are in the thread... I am still not well and tired of writing it... I have an infection I can't seem to beat and on drugs I seem to be reacting to  but they say I need... sound familiar..   I know.  I want to get a nutshell on your situation and your answers to these questions would help.  I had pooped out too... I think for a long time before I quit... when you say toxic above how does toxicity present ... did your doctor identify what the symptoms of toxicity are?  

[Meimeiquest]

Muddles, are you still on the Pill? I just saw your post about bleeding. The clinic I am going to has an interesting take on it. If you would like to see it, there is a video at mensahmedical.com in the resources on copper and women. I am just starting treatment, but either I have had a great placebo effect or it is really helping me.

[btdt]

Hello!

 

I'm really not coping with this emotional anaesthesia - no-one should have to live like this.

 

My pyschiatrist medical visits will have to stop. He's a complete arse who reckons no-one suffers after withdrawel and believes this 10% method is ridiculous. I have never come across anyone as arrogant and refuse to be spoken to like a two year old. He has no idea of the person I was before meds so he has no right to judge.

Get me off the drug and see what we are left with were his words. Three weeks before I'm back to my old self. Makes me sick.

 

Sorry for the rant.

My he is an arse.  Be careful not to jump too fast away from him in case you need meds... I know... sucks but some have put up with their doctors crap just to get the meds they needed to taper. 

I kept my doc on the string for over a year after cold turkey as I was so afraid I had done the wrong thing and the other shoe would drop which means I would hit some form of crazy beyond and above any I had ever known and wanted somebody on the inside to tend to me should it come to that.  I had some very wild times in cold turkey but I had also had some very wild time from adverse reactions and while on the drugs too.  When things got dicey it was good to know I had an in even if it was one I could not trust all that much.  The not trusting him or the press of these drugs at that point... kept me from calling uncle... that and a complete aversion to being hospitalized. Hearing and seeing things are frightening luckily I seen much more frightening things with my reaction to prozac ... so I held firm and waited it out.  

I kinda got stuck on this one on my way down to read your latest post so I will go read now. My only other advice about the arse is to make you appointments far apart so you don't have to see that much of him, just a thought. I too hate that my doctor did not get and picked apart any information I took to him. We have to do what we need to do for ourselves with their help or in spite of them. 

Peace to you

[btdt]

 

Has anyone ever come across anybody who has been in a similar position to me on this board or elsewhere? 

Total emotional numbness and poop-out on full dose? 

I would be interested to here if so. Would be interested to see how they tapered etc. 

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription. 

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Suffered for 6 months. Side effects calmed down but suffered two severe breakdowns on it.

Also developed OCD.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg, 

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

 

I am not sure I understand and would like for you to clarify some things for me.

Suffered for 6 months. Side effects calmed down but suffered two severe breakdowns on it.

What did the break downs look like what did they do about it?  What side effects did you have that calmed down? 

I know what my definition of pooped out is but I don't know yours...

Poop out - December 2013

what happened in 2013 that was different then the previous years on the drug?  

I have not read you thread and maybe all the answers are in the thread... I am still not well and tired of writing it... I have an infection I can't seem to beat and on drugs I seem to be reacting to  but they say I need... sound familiar..   I know.  I want to get a nutshell on your situation and your answers to these questions would help.  I had pooped out too... I think for a long time before I quit... when you say toxic above how does toxicity present ... did your doctor identify what the symptoms of toxicity are?  

 

I am sorry the type here went faded and I did not know how to change it... I hope to hear from you. I read above you have bleeding issues this needs to be brought to your phych doctors attention.  Mine did a blood test a few times long after I had quit it is very important I think I was just lucky not to have had more problems with this. Grace of God kind of lucky... call him and tell him asap.

peace 

[Muddles]

Thank you bdtd. I struggle to reply to messages as my brain just does not work properly.

 

I'm struggling with being the 'crap' mum I am. My mother was crap when I was a teenager and I always told myself I wouldn't be like that - and I wasn't before all of this.

 

It's destroying me.

[WinningThrough]

Massive hugs xx

[mlrp]

Dear Muddles,

 

Just the briefest hello, but very heartfelt. I am so very sorry about your struggles.

 

I will also admit to being selfishly frightened by what you are going through, as I have yet to begin a taper off Mirt. And my gut tells me it is really mostly to blame for my own struggles. 

 

I send you healing, calming thoughts. And hopes that we will one day both be Mirt success stories. You are very strong just for being here.

[mattinsmom]

I wish I had more to offer. 

{{{HUG}}}

[Muddles]

Thank you so much - really appreciate you popping by.

 

It's a nasty drug, but I'm sure you are stronger enough to do it.

 

Peace to you.

[Muddles]

Thanks for the hug. Hugs back to you.

[btdt]

Did you tell your doctor about the bleeding?  

[Muddles]

No I didn't...luckily it's stopped now.

[btdt]

I suggest you mention it even if it has stopped it may not be the end of it. 

peace

[Muddles]

I'm not concerned btdt...I'm suicidal every minute of the day. Bleeding is the least of my worries.

I just want to be able to love and care for my children.

 

Why didn't we know eh?