Muddles: desperate

[mammaP]

And don't forget to hook them up to an electricity supply and blast their brains with it !   

[mlrp]

I think it will be recognized, Muddles. God willing, in our lifetimes. 

 

This whole thing is a marathon. Granted, it feels like a literal  death march a lot - or all - of the time, but time will tell. 

 

I was so heartened yesterday to get Alto's notice of the California researcher who is hoping to make a study of victims of AD iatrogenesis. Things like this are just the tip of the iceberg.Yes, the progress feels glacial. But as a wise person once told me, even glaciers move. 

 

I know, of course, with your severe suffering (how all of us suffer, each fated to our own plight) that this all sounds pat and academic. I don't mean it that way - my heart is in this, as I'm sure you know.

 

So, hold on, sister. More and more people are waking up to this reality. People are asking questions about Robin Williams that probably wouldn't have even been whispered just a year or two ago. 

 

I see us on the forefront of a sea change in how these meds are viewed and regulated. Survivors who will be validated. This is going to be viewed as a very dark and shameful period in medical history. 

 

I would do anything to take your suffering away, Muddles. I'm pretty sure the last thing you feel like being is a hero in a righteous battle. But that's how I see you - and all of us. Let's all be too bloody-minded to let this thing win. Let's all live to tell the tale. [Off my soap box.]

 

P.S. my eternal gratitude and respect goes out to Alto and the admins and mods SA. There is powerful documentation going on here.

[Wildflower0214]

How are u?

[Muddles]

Not good. The thoughts are torture as is the dysphoria and akathisia. Just want to be free from this hell! Gave myself 6 months to live last night...it's the only way to get through Christmas...it made me feel better.

[Wildflower0214]

Do you sleep? Just went through completely sleepless night. I have the akathisia too, what is yours like? Mine is crawly sensations in my legs. Awful.

[Wildflower0214]

Not good. The thoughts are torture as is the dysphoria and akathisia. Just want to be free from this hell! Gave myself 6 months to live last night...it's the only way to get through Christmas...it made me feel better.

Ya, I don't even know if I can make it till then.

[Muddles]

My Akathisia hits like terror. I feel a feeling of doom and kind of like someone is inside my torso with acid and sharp nails!!! I get a terrible toxic taste with unbelievable pain in my gums. My vision goes blurry and my head clouds over and the suicidal distorted thoughts. I cannot function at all when it hits. It is there all day at the moment but the intensity is up and down. Last night it was awful but we have a painter and decorator in and the fumes are obviously making me worse!! I don't sleep properly at all and haven't since poop-out. When I do mange its a very light sleep...half awake, half asleep sort of thing.

Last night I think I managed about 4 hours which is good for me!!!

My husband slept downstairs as he snores - this helped a bit. I use to sleep like a baby

[Wildflower0214]

My Akathisia hits like terror. I feel a feeling of doom and kind of like someone is inside my torso with acid and sharp nails!!! I get a terrible toxic taste with unbelievable pain in my gums. My vision goes blurry and my head clouds over and the suicidal distorted thoughts. I cannot function at all when it hits. It is there all day at the moment but the intensity is up and down. Last night it was awful but we have a painter and decorator in and the fumes are obviously making me worse!! I don't sleep properly at all and haven't since poop-out. When I do mange its a very light sleep...half awake, half asleep sort of thing.

Last night I think I managed about 4 hours which is good for me!!!

My husband slept downstairs as he snores - this helped a bit. I use to sleep like a baby

 

Me too. I used to sleep all the time. Have u ever had full nights of no sleep? I've been through about 8 I think all together. Last night being one, and it's awful. I become delusional pretty quickly.

[Muddles]

I get it in my legs but it usually only happens first thing in a morning - until I get up.

[Wildflower0214]

I get it in my legs but it usually only happens first thing in a morning - until I get up.

Ok, so you don't have any sensations really thy stay? I have them all the time when like this. It's relentless. Im so shocked u guys can sleep like this.

[Muddles]

I am never symptom free...like I say, I manage to get SOME sleep and it's never real sleep...the Deep REM sleep is wrecked. You said you slept 8 hours the other night, that is a really good sign. I can't remmber the last time I managed that! I wake every night to a doom, depressive, restlessness that is awful and I have to get up...do something and then go back to bed. I think its cortisol??? Awful. I feel for you.

[Wildflower0214]

I am never symptom free...like I say, I manage to get SOME sleep and it's never real sleep...the Deep REM sleep is wrecked. You said you slept 8 hours the other night, that is a really good sign. I can't remmber the last time I managed that! I wake every night to a doom, depressive, restlessness that is awful and I have to get up...do something and then go back to bed. I think its cortisol??? Awful. I feel for you.

Ya, I did get 8 hours! I was shocked. 7-8 I think and it was solid. Then this! It's from the dentist. The numbing stuff. And I feel like I have a sore throat!!!!!!! I need a break. Good grief. I'm sorry u don't sleep that well. When I had a stint with no sleep, I became grateful for the four hours I could count on. I just want it consistently!

[Skylarblue75]

Sending hugs and prayers to you,haven't been feeling up to posting. Your always in my thoughts

[luv2knit]

Muddles, thinking of and praying for you and JDM and everyone who is going through this nightmare. I have the akathisia and insomnia as well

[Muddles]

Akathisa is just the worst feeling EVER! We were not born to take such hell! It's turning me into a monster.

 

Sitting here with a mask and sunglasses in. Mask - because the decorator has been painting and its screwing me even more, and glasses because I can't watch tv without them....my kids think im a god damn freak!

[Muddles]

Oh - and a bobbly hat because I'm shaking im that cold!!

 

Can you upload pics on here? You would laugh at the insanity of it all!

[WinningThrough]

Oh muddles you do make me laugh! I will talk to you soon about the glasses. I may get some myself to cope better with the tv.

[Muddles]

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

 

Thinking of you all too....always.

[Muddles]

you couldn't make it up could you winning!!!

[btdt]

We seem to be very much alike muddles.  Akathisia hits like terror check reacting to smells light check...sleep check... head pressure check. 

 

This is my advice for you today... Take your kids and partner your glasses  ect... and go rent a room.  For what it is worth that is it my advice. 

 

I wish you peace. 

[btdt]

Early Xmass present to the family one with a water slide maybe... why not if you have money life is short...sleeping a couple of nights no matter how short without fumes could just turn this around. 

[Muddles]

Thanks btdt - I may have to do this. I did buy low toxic paint but it's hitting me hard.

 

Effexor withdrawal sounds very similar to mirtazapine from what I have read...both evil!

 

Hope you're doing better?

[Muddles]

Thanks btdt - I may have to do this. I did buy low toxic paint but it's hitting me hard.

 

Effexor withdrawal sounds very similar to mirtazapine from what I have read...both evil!

 

Hope you're doing better?

[Muddles]

thinking about stopping at my mums until the painting is done...she drives me crazy though...crazier than I already am!

[btdt]

I hate waiting and I have been waiting .. doing a bit better the infection is low again if not gone... now waiting to see what happens next...just now I am not bad. Thanks for asking. 

I got adventurous today and washed my hair with a new shampoo all nature .....ladeda stuff very expensive did not seem to bad when I was in the shower but I know I will have to wash this smell out before bed as it is driving me mad.  Don't know why I tried it...should know better.  We all make mistakes and have to adjust to make life as good as it can be... so washing my hair again you getting a room... we adjust and adapt that is what survivors do. Peace to you

[Wildflower0214]

thinking about stopping at my mums until the painting is done...she drives me crazy though...crazier than I already am!

Wow. Im so sorry for you. I Make my own mother crazy, asking her to scratch my legs because it makes the creepy crawlers stop at least while she is doing it. She gets angry. She looks at me like I'm crazy!

[Muddles]

Gosh btdt - I am going to be a long term sufferer like you by the sounds of it. This breaks my heart. You are so strong.

[btdt]

I wonder if that is a bad thing to know.

Would it cause you to stop waiting for an instant cure... have more days where you just go for it... cause it is better than others.. make plans with this in mind... less let down maybe less let down in a way maybe.

 

There are so many variables we are all different but I have to admit I was thinking the same thing.  Please keep in mind I was a lot better at 4 years off... and then had a car accident that seemed to set me back.  I wonder where I would be now if that had not happened. We will never know. 

 

So much we won't know but I think there was a point where I kind of decided this was how it was going to be as it was not letting up... and tho it did get to me from time to time and I would have a blow up... wishing doctors to be drugged ect.... in the general long time I did develop skills to survive along the way given all the different presentations withdrawal has. 

What throws me is when really old things return... and new things come things I don't know how to deal with... but I adapted and you will to... then one day it will be done we hope. 

 

We can never know what life has in store for us... it could be good or bad...but we have now... so make the best of now...how about that room  

peace 

[Muddles]

I don't think I can accept that this could take years for even partial recovery. I always kind of knew deep down I wasn't going to be a quick healer but years of this is just too much to handle.

 

I don't know what to do - thats all I ever say....I don't know what to do.

[Wildflower0214]

Thinking of you. I have no words. But I think of you often and I'm sorry.

[btdt]

I don't think I can accept that this could take years for even partial recovery. I always kind of knew deep down I wasn't going to be a quick healer but years of this is just too much to handle.

 

I don't know what to do - thats all I ever say....I don't know what to do.

I am sorry I said that... I am sorry...forgive me I forget sometimes how very vulnerable our hearts are ... insensitive and cruel comes to my mind.  I recall thinking I may take a long time to heal too and tried on the long term healing just as you have and had the same response to it.  I then took that suit off and thought nobody knows we are all different.  I debated it with myself and I looked back over the time from beginning to where I was at that point and I could see improvement I could eat... I could sleep some brain zaps did not come every single time I moved my eyes.  I could drive I could see improvement.  

I wish I did not say those words or ever say any words that push you down as that has never been my intent... I am sorry. 

If you look back from where you were to where you are... there will be signs of improvement.  This is what you hold onto now and you load the bases one way of doing that is to not let stupid things that stupid people on here (ME) say get to you. I know you may not have the ability to do that yet but you will... I know you will one day. 

You are healing and your have your own healing curve. You are getting better and your body is working it's ass of to heal this respect that... know it is working as fast as it possibly can to heal. So no matter how long it takes this is the optimum healing curve for you. 

You have to truth this and you have to trust you are healing. I wish I could give you a hug ask somebody close to you to give you a hug please. 

I so wish you peace. 

[btdt]

What I said in a very casual way hit you in a not casual away and when I say it was stupid of me I mean it.  We have some symptoms in common that seem to be not so common to all people in withdrawal.... I don't know that much about the drug you took if it is a lot like Effexor or not I would have to read up on it.  We both took Celexa we both were on more than one drug... there are a multitude of variables and length of time drugged was reportedly a major factor in withdrawal according to one decent article I read.  You have not been drugged near as long as I was. 

 

Without needed research and study I don't thing anyone can say what the prognosis is for any of us.  

Mirtazapine (brand names: Avanza, Axit, Mirtaz, Mirtazon, Remeron, Zispin)^[6] is anoradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressant (NaSSA) that was introduced byOrganon International in the United States in 1996^[2] and is used primarily in the treatment of depression. It is also commonly used as an anxiolytic, hypnotic, antiemetic and appetite stimulant. In terms of structure, mirtazapine can also be classified as a tetracyclic antidepressant (TeCA) and is the 6-aza analogue of mianserin.^[6] It is also racemic and comes as a combination of both R and S-stereoisomers.^[6]

 

^{NOT like Effexor from what I can see... please try to relax and not think of how long it takes makes it the best now you can that is how to win... at the end of the day stress just makes our now not as good as it could be and all the worry we do does not help us heal one second faster.  peace} 

[Muddles]

Please don't appologise btdt. After all of I listened to doctors who said I would be better within weeks of stopping the med where would I be? If someone told me I would be completely healed in 6 months time - can you imagine my disappointed.

 

I am grateful that someone is there, who has been through this hell and to tell me it will get better. I am intelligent enough to know I am in this for the long haul. Poop-out has made it all a lot more difficult. Plus I have had adverse reactions. I was sensitive to many things before meds also and I believe this plays a big part in all of this. it was never going to end pretty!! I just hope I can be as strong as you have...I admire you for getting through what can only be described as hell...worse than hell!!!!

 

You have been good to me btdt and can relate to you with so much. I need you!

 

This is for you

IMG_0215.JPG

[Muddles]

Sorry btdt, this is for you:

https://www.facebook.com/rhonda.c.murphy/posts/10202986276872888

[Muddles]

My periods have stopped altogether - for 2 months now. Does this mean I have some kind of hormonal issue going on too?

[Muddles]

Is there anything that is not effected because of these stupid drugs?!! It's just not right!