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Happy2Heal

Happy2Heal my Victory statement

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Happy2Heal
On 12/19/2018 at 9:34 PM, WantoffVen said:

Happy to Heal, how did you get off all those other drugs you were on besides Lexapro?

 

hi again

to answer your question, I was Rxed one drug after another and sometimes put on several drugs at once


In 2013 the only psych drugs I was on was lexapro and a PRN of klonopin that I rarely took.

I tried a few times to get off the lexapro, as you can see from my signature, but finally did it, YAY me!! this time

 

I have been off all psych drugs for 14 mos now and plan to never poison my body with that toxic crap, nor any other kind of psychoactive substances ever again.
I won't even drink coffee due to the caffeine but I do have a little weak tea and sometimes some chocolate, which has come caffeine.

 

If you want to get off the drugs, WOV, you will find a way to do it.

you really have to want it though, I think, cuz it's quite rough going in spots.

 

 

 

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WantoffVen

It was sweet of you to reply. Right now I'm crying a lot and fear I might have dropped my Venlafaxine too quickly and I'm going to updose a little and see how I do.

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JackieDecides
23 minutes ago, WantoffVen said:

It was sweet of you to reply. Right now I'm crying a lot and fear I might have dropped my Venlafaxine too quickly and I'm going to updose a little and see how I do.

 

please be careful! @WantoffVen

 

maybe post in your own thread about this especially as to how much. I know going back up in dosage is tricky, but otherwise I am not knowledgeable. but others are! 

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jozeff

Hi h2h!

 

How are you doing these days?

 

Hope you are perfectly fine!

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

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Happy2Heal
23 hours ago, jozeff said:

Hi h2h!

 

How are you doing these days?

 

Hope you are perfectly fine!

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

hi Jozeff,
I'm doing well, thanks so much for asking!

had a bit of sadness in my life, but it was expected, the loss of some of my elderly pets (they are domestic rats and they don't live very long)

 

otherwise things are good

 

are you feeling better at all? 

 

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Leo1983

Hi h2h. Pleased your well..... still. I have had a pretty hard time over the xmas period.  Can i ask was your 1st year hell? Was your depression awful? Did your brain spin all the time about wd? Was year 2 bad still?  Im guna do this and get my life back. I just want to be safe whilst i do it.  Did you have 8 month off and reinstate? Would you recommend now just keep going at that point? Hope you had a great xmas.  Lee

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fierceturtle

Hi Happy2Heal, congratulations to you and thank you so much for posting your story. I really needed to see this just now. I started meds in my late teens too, have been on them for decades too, and came of age  with all sorts of abuse and trauma too. So good to see you’ve made it through so much withdrawal and gotten the independence you wanted. 

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Happy2Heal
On 12/27/2018 at 12:27 PM, Leo1983 said:

Hi h2h. Pleased your well..... still. I have had a pretty hard time over the xmas period.  Can i ask was your 1st year hell? Was your depression awful? Did your brain spin all the time about wd? Was year 2 bad still?  Im guna do this and get my life back. I just want to be safe whilst i do it.  Did you have 8 month off and reinstate? Would you recommend now just keep going at that point? Hope you had a great xmas.  Lee

 

hi Leo,

sorry for the delay in responding, I'm dealing with the loss of my pet rats.

 

sorry your xmas wasn't good, are you doing better now?

 

ok as far as how my recovery has gone, it's going to be VERY different from yours or anyone else's. You really can't compare yourself too much to anyone else, because we all have different drug histories, and we all have different bodies and brains, and we all live very different lives.


You have been off the  Escitalopram since June, I see? so it's been about 6 mos., right?

are you considering reinstating?

 

I personally would not do that If I were you, but only YOU can make that decision.

 

I did have one very tough year (I did not reinstate at 8 mos, no- I reinstated a TINY amnt, less than 1mg, at 3 mos off and I can not say with any certainty that it helped all that much) 

 

however  even during that long hard year, I did actively LOOK for signs of improvement because I KNEW that they would be there, and all I had to do is look for them.

 

IF you just look for them, you will find that you are improving too. You just have to look for how things are better today than they were say a month ago.

 

because you ARE healing. They symptoms we have are the actual signs that our brain is doing the work to put itself back to where it belongs

 

Our entire body including our brain, always works towards health and healing, that is its' JOB.

you can be assured that your body/brain is doing it's job too, and that you're are healing.

 

I know you are having a hard time accepting this process.

NO one wants to have to accept it, but believe me, it will help you a LOT to just resign yourself to the fact that it's going to take some time.

 

It didn't happen overnight for me, that's for sure.

 

BUT I did do some things that helped me get thru it. and I strongly urge others to do this same thing. It's also something I continue to do, every single day of my life now.

it's a habit.

 

Look for improvements in your symptoms. You will find them. It may not be a huge improvement but it will be there, you just have to look for it. Doing this reassures you that you are healing and it also seems to help the improvements "grow". 

 

Another thing is to be grateful for all that you do have. Ok yes, WD/recovery IS hard, it's very hard. BUT- you have food, you have water, you have shelter (at least I hope so) you are not in a war torn country, you are not (I hope) being abused or threatened, in short, you have a pretty decent life, right?

not perfect, but surely not as bad as many others. 

I/we have a lot to be grateful for.

 

being grateful for the good things in your life does not mean that you don't have the pain of the bad stuff,  it doesn't make the bad stuff go away but it can surely take the edge off and remind you that, well, frankly, as bad as it is, it could be worse.

 

it helps a lot to try to look outside your own current misery and in spite of feeling like crap, realize that you're doing ok and that unlike say, some one with a painful terminal illness, YOU are going to recover from this.

 

I don't know if that helps you any but that's what I woke up thinking.


I had actually been feeling a bit sorry for myself because I live alone and now that I have been more social, out in the world and enjoying the company of other ppl, I kind of wonder, what if I had not been on these damn drugs for so long. How would my life have been different?? would I have met someone, would I be in a relationship now, instead of alone?

 

and I woke up thinking, it sucks being alone, but guess what? it's not the worst thing that can happen to someone. it's not a tragedy. 

and I am grateful for all that I do have, and hey, I could work on finding someone, if that's what I do indeed want.

 

who knows, maybe I"m better off being alone, hahaha

 

anyway Leo, you are GOING TO BE OK

you are going to recover

 

it's probably going to take longer than you want it to, so let's find ways for you to pass the time, some distractions, that are soothing to you.

 

what have you done today to help yourself feel better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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mdwstrx

Hi Happy2Heal,

Congratulations!!!!! to you and thank you so much for posting your story!  It's an inspiration to those of us just starting the journey of coming off these drugs.  I hope you can answer the following questions.

  • How many years were you on ADs? Your signature shows Lexapro began at 2002. 
  • After crashing in September, did you reinstated at 0.3 mgs as  your signature says or 3 mgs?
  • Can you please expound on your first year off the ADs? 
  • Did you have significant w/d symptoms after jumping off?
  • If so, how significant and what kind and how long did they last?

Thank you so much and wishing a peaceful and healthy 2019!

 

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JackieDecides
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

and I woke up thinking, it sucks being alone, but guess what? it's not the worst thing that can happen to someone. it's not a tragedy. 

and I am grateful for all that I do have, and hey, I could work on finding someone, if that's what I do indeed want.

 

 

I feel like it is a tragedy that I am alone, because I also feel like that will never end. the rational part of my brain reads what you have done with your recovery - you have friends, right? OMG you have friends! - and I know that it is possible for me, too. in theory! 

 

but a big part of me thinks, no, you will always be alone because you have practiced avoiding others for decades and I cannot imagine it any other way. 

 

today I know I "should" go to church and be around other people but it feels too hard and I know I won't.  I hope this is because I am still stressing about my new job (tomorrow is something new and big in my training, so I am and will be anxious) and that at some point I will feel differently. 

 

but you still give me some hope, H2H, and I thank you! 

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Happy2Heal
21 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

Hi Happy2Heal,

Congratulations!!!!! to you and thank you so much for posting your story!  It's an inspiration to those of us just starting the journey of coming off these drugs.  I hope you can answer the following questions.

  • How many years were you on ADs? Your signature shows Lexapro began at 2002. 
  • After crashing in September, did you reinstated at 0.3 mgs as  your signature says or 3 mgs?
  • Can you please expound on your first year off the ADs? 
  • Did you have significant w/d symptoms after jumping off?
  • If so, how significant and what kind and how long did they last?

Thank you so much and wishing a peaceful and healthy 2019!

 

hi mdwstrx

I just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and will reply soon, probably tomorrow

 

just really quickly, I was on SSRIs specifically since 1996- zoloft, celexa and then lexapro in 2002

 

i reinstated at less than  1mg, I believe the 0.3 is correct. I then very slowly tapered down from there. Lexapro is an unbelievably strong drug!

 

more later, thank you for your good wishes, same to you!

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mdwstrx

Thank you for responding Happy.  It gives me hope to think if other long time users can stop, I can as well.  


On 11/14, I jumped off at 2.5 mg per Dr. and have been in w/d for almost 2 months. I reinstated 2.5 mg 5 days after stopping in panic and then found this site as I was up-dosing to 5 mg.  I climbed yet again per Dr. to 7.5 mg to stave off si unsuccessfully.  Alto says hold for now so I am - although Dr. thinks I should raise to 10 mg.    May I also ask how long it took you to stabilize after crashing?

 

I look forward to hearing more and in the meantime, I'll go read your posts again.

 

Have a happy, healthy and healing day!

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Hopefulstill

H2H - just want to say you are a very strong person.  You should be proud of yourself.  Thanks for sharing and explaining all in a very clear way your journey!

 

Hopefulstill

 

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Happy2Heal
11 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

Thank you for responding Happy.  It gives me hope to think if other long time users can stop, I can as well.  


On 11/14, I jumped off at 2.5 mg per Dr. and have been in w/d for almost 2 months. I reinstated 2.5 mg 5 days after stopping in panic and then found this site as I was up-dosing to 5 mg.  I climbed yet again per Dr. to 7.5 mg to stave off si unsuccessfully.  Alto says hold for now so I am - although Dr. thinks I should raise to 10 mg.    May I also ask how long it took you to stabilize after crashing?

 

I look forward to hearing more and in the meantime, I'll go read your posts again.

 

Have a happy, healthy and healing day!

 

hello again

I've read thru the most recent posts on your thread. sorry you are going thru all this, it sucks, eh?

 

I need to ask you something- were you in a clinical trial for lexapro, before it was released to the public? the reason I ask is that it was not available to be prescribed to the general public in the USA til August of 2002. 

I verified this with a google search but I also clearly recall my psychiatrist telling me I got one of the very first Rxes for it; there was a big fuss about how lexapro was going to be so superior to the celexa that I had been taking. That it was stronger and had fewer side effects. 
It may help you to know that you probably have only been taking lexapro since 2002, or roughly 8 years less than you think.

this is good. 


Lexapro is an extremely strong drug. the changes you have made in the last several weeks are very large ones!!

I hope you will stay at the dose you are at now and not updose. It may actually make things worse. 

No one can predict that, but it's not something I'd be willing to risk, not knowing what I know now, anyway. 

 

Your doctor already gave you terrible advice, telling you it was ok to jump off at 2.5mgs.  He doesn't understand how extremely strong this drug is. if anything, you need to go SLOWER now that you are at the lower doses. There's a chart somewhere on this site that shows why, I will try to find it.

 

think about this, when you think about maybe updosing:

Right now, you are able to sleep, that is good. I understand it's not as much as you'd like and it's very broken but at least you CAN sleep. 

when I tried to rush things and then messed around with the timing of my dose, I ended up not being able to sleep at all and spent those long horrible nights in utter terror. If I was lucky, I would sleep for literally 20 mins, and didn't feel like I'd slept at all. I know you think things are bad now, but sad to say, you can make them worse by changing your dose around. (you will probably not find much said about this in my thread, and I will try to explain why that is at another time, I am too tired right now)

 

The more often you make a change in your dose, the longer it will take your brain to settle down.

 

this can not be stressed enough. 

It is understandable to feel a bit anxious for the symptoms to end, we all went thru this. what you are experiencing is very very common.

 

please see that as the good news that it is:
 it's common, that means many hundreds, if not thousands, of us, have been right where you are now. and we got thru it. you will get thru it too.

it probably won't be easy or pleasant, but you only have to go thru one moment at a time. that is all.

remind yourself of that when it gets tough.

just one moment is all you need to handle.

 

but you are not alone, and you will be ok. you have done very well to do the taper that you did, you need to stay the course and perhaps slow down, as well as keeping things steady. not up and down, steady............your brain likes that best ;)

 

 

come here for support and to vent when things get tough, 

 but also maybe start to think about leaning on yourself, listening to yourself and your body...

think about how much control you have over the decisions about what happens to it, what you choose to put into it and how you choose to take care of it.

 

it's a very liberating experience. it may feel a bit overwhelming at first, and you may feel very insecure but ultimately,  it's a very good thing. a very freeing thing.

 

I hope this helps some.

 

 

 

 

 

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Happy2Heal
10 hours ago, Hopefulstill said:

H2H - just want to say you are a very strong person.  You should be proud of yourself.  Thanks for sharing and explaining all in a very clear way your journey!

 

Hopefulstill

 

bless you for saying that, Hopefulstill!!  

I try hard, at least ;)

 

how are you doing?

 

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mdwstrx

Thanks Happy for such a sincerely kind, caring and informative response.  Yes this sux, mildly put. 😩

 

Your point is very interesting about Lexapro coming out in 2002.   I've only taken Prozac, Zoloft and Lexapro.   So I must have been switched from Zoloft to Lexapro in 2010 when I had my last situational depression.  I don't recall any other time I could have switched.  I'll go back and check my med records but either way, it's been continual SSRI.  Does it matter which one?

 

Your warnings are well taken and very appreciated.  I am very very concerned about doing anything else to prolong this mess.  Also, really unsure of what to do so I hold course at 7.5 mg and pray (for myself and others here).

Your encouragement means so much.  Especially about saying it does end.  I'm living in the moment for now, walking each minute with the Lord by my side and clinging to posts such as yours.  

 

Thank you for shining a light down this very dark path.  

 

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JackieDecides

H2H - I feel lucky and privileged to be here but I'm going to do something that is hard for me. even fairly anonymously on the internet, ask for something.

could you respond to my post on Dec 30? I am guessing you missed me and I was sad about that. 🙁

 

it's scary to talk about feelings even just a little bit. 🤔  practice, practice....

Edited by JackieDecides
wrong date

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Happy2Heal
3 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

H2H - I feel lucky and privileged to be here but I'm going to do something that is hard for me. even fairly anonymously on the internet, ask for something.

could you respond to my post on Dec 13? I am guessing you missed me and I was sad about that. 🙁

 

it's scary to talk about feelings even just a little bit. 🤔  practice, practice....

 

hi JackieD

do you mean your post of Dec 30th?
I have been thinking about that post, and haven't wanted to reply til I sorted out my feelings from what might be the most helpful response to you (sometimes, if not fairly often, I look at my post to another person and realize it has more to do with what is going on in my own life or mind/thoughts, or sometimes is somewhat slanted due to how I was feeling that particular day)

I've had little patience with myself and my struggle with acceptance of my new reality- more about that in a post I am going to make soon-ish- and when I am impatient with myself, I am afraid I will also be less patient with others.

 

so please don't feel hurt that I didn't yet reply, it's because I want to reply in the most caring and respectful way, that has caused the delay.

 

ah yes, feelings! sad that we are afraid of them, they are what makes us human, right? 

good for you, having the courage to ask for what you need/want!! that is something I am working on these days myself, so you are a good role model for me

;)

 

 

 

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JackieDecides
1 minute ago, Happy2Heal said:

so please don't feel hurt that I didn't yet reply, it's because I want to reply in the most caring and respectful way, that has caused the delay.

 

yes, I meant the 30th, I'll edit it if I can.

 

thank you for your response!!!  and in real time, too, just luck. 

 

in other news, I have decided 2019 is going to be lucky. ❤️🤗

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Happy2Heal
On 12/27/2018 at 9:59 PM, fierceturtle said:

Hi Happy2Heal, congratulations to you and thank you so much for posting your story. I really needed to see this just now. I started meds in my late teens too, have been on them for decades too, and came of age  with all sorts of abuse and trauma too. So good to see you’ve made it through so much withdrawal and gotten the independence you wanted. 

hello fierceturtle,

I am sorry it appears that I did not reply to this post  yet...

thank you so much for your kind words.

I'm sorry you have suffered abuse and trauma too, and all those years of meds. it's tough stuff, but we are tougher!! yes we are!!

(sometimes I don't feel that way but I try to encourage myself :D )

 

I see you are in New England too! hope your roads are ok today, we got some slushy snow with icing last night but it seems to be melted and is clearing now

 

how are you doing? I hope the New Year brings you continued healing (this applies to all of us!) and much happiness and good health.

 

 

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Happy2Heal
2 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

yes, I meant the 30th, I'll edit it if I can.

 

thank you for your response!!!  and in real time, too, just luck. 

 

in other news, I have decided 2019 is going to be lucky. ❤️🤗

no worries about the date, 

I am going to look it over and see if I can get my thoughts together, but to be honest, I'm a bit scattered this morning

I spent far too much time online the past week or so, and have a back log of housework and other things to attend to.

I find it hard to concentrate when I have things "hanging over my head" so to speak, so please don't be upset if I'm not able to offer a decent reply til later on, but be assured I will get to it

 

and if I forget, plz 'poke me' and remind me, ok?

(I mean if i don't get a reply written in the next few days)

 

ah a new year!! a new day!

new chances to make things better for ourselves.

new opportunities for growth

:)

 

I'm finding that if I overcome my lazy streak and actually put in the work that's needed, I can grow and I can make positive changes...

there is so much that is in our power that we are unaware of.

just knowing that we have this power is such a liberating thing.

 

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Happy2Heal

RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT RECOVERY RELATED "STUFF"  :D

 

I still struggle with acceptance, not of WD symptoms so much any more as I feel almost fully healed, but rather with just accepting reality-

my new reality of not having my feelings blunted and of not being in a drug induced fog- 

my new reality brings with it a much greater awareness of all that is around me, and of all that I was missing and unaware of while I was medicated.

 

It's a huge change. it's a good one overall but it doesn't always feel very good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

and that's today's random thought!!

 

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Happy2Heal
On 12/30/2018 at 10:42 AM, JackieDecides said:

 

 

I feel like it is a tragedy that I am alone, because I also feel like that will never end. the rational part of my brain reads what you have done with your recovery - you have friends, right? OMG you have friends! - and I know that it is possible for me, too. in theory! 

 

but a big part of me thinks, no, you will always be alone because you have practiced avoiding others for decades and I cannot imagine it any other way. 

 

today I know I "should" go to church and be around other people but it feels too hard and I know I won't.  I hope this is because I am still stressing about my new job (tomorrow is something new and big in my training, so I am and will be anxious) and that at some point I will feel differently. 

 

but you still give me some hope, H2H, and I thank you! 

 

 

I am so glad Iv'e given you some hope, JD!
 

really we all find our way to reconcile our fears with what is possible.

 

we all need to find the courage to do the things that will bring us to where we want to be.

 

when acute withdrawal hit me and I had to find a way to get the liquid lexapro so that I could reinstate and then taper slowly, I made an appt with a therapist.

 

She told me recently that my stated goal when I first saw her was to make friends! I was quite surprised by this, I don't remember it at all. I was a total basket case when I met her, I was in such acute withdrawal with some 30+ symptoms, all of them severe. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, literally. I constantly walked into things and felt off balance and on the verge of falling all the time (and did, in fact, miss a step and badly sprained my ankle- coming out of the therapist's office!!! LOL it's not really funny but I can laugh about it now... as I had been thinking about how worried I was that I would fall, and then fell. I immediately became very afraid of my thoughts, thinking that they had caused me to have this accident!)

oh yes, acute WD was a nightmare

 

so very glad and relieved that that is all in the past now!!

 

but back to you (see I told you, I am a bit hyper focused on my own stuff lately and don't know if I can help anyone very much with their "stuff"- sorry about that)

 

 

ah ok, about the "shoulds"- you gotta decide what it is you really want to do. Why do you feel you "should" go to church, for example? what is it that compels you to go?

if the answer is that you feel better afterward or that something happens when you are there, that is helpful to you or helps you to meet YOUR own personal goals, then well....

it's not really a should, it's more of a want, right?

you want to go because you know you will _________ (feel better, connect with others, meet your goal, or whatever)

Sometimes all it takes is reframing things this way to help motivate us

 

for example, I want to get fit and I know that when I go to the Y and either take a class, or get in the pool, or do yoga, etc I am always always glad that I went and I always feel better afterward. But getting myself out the door to get there? 

not what I want to do most days!! LOL I have to bundle up against the cold and soon, will need to tackle ice and snow etc  as well,

and walk across the bridge, and then change into workout clothes, and meh, it seems like a lot of effort when I could just stay home and get lost in mindless nonsense on FB or something

 

when I thought about going to the Y as something I "should" do,  it was much harder to get myself to do it.

But now I've reframed it and I think: I WANT to go to the Y today, I want to feel better/stronger (not to mention, the exercise helps me sleep so much better, too!)

 

it's still  a hassle to get there but I know it's a choice to go thru that hassle to get what I want.

It's like that with everything worthwhile I think-

 

there's always a part we don't especially enjoy but we deal with that part to get to the parts we want.

 

~~~~~~~

oh how wonderful that you are in such a great place in your recovery that you are able to learn new things at your job! of course that is scary and nerve wracking, it is for anyone but all the more so for us with all that we've been thru.

how is it going?

 

I remember someone talking about how courage is not doing things fearlessly, it's feeling and facing the fear and going forward in spite of it

 

if this is true (and I think it probably is) how courageous you are to be doing what you are!

 

and most of the rest of us, as well, really, right?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

one other tiny thing about feelings- I remind myself of this all the time; feelings are not facts!!

just because something feels "too hard" does not make it so.

along the same lines, if you believe you can not do a thing, you are absolutely right!

it's hard to do, but we need to start with the belief that we can do the difficult stuff, and that is really half the battle (if not more)

 

I still deal with fears from my past, (PTSD)and I have to remind myself, that there is nothing in my current life to be afraid of, no abusing grandparents, or husband or whatever, that is all in the past.

I put  notes on my fridge and on a mirror, as needed, that say things like: feelings are not facts, and the past is in the past and there is nothing in my life today to be afraid of, and things like that- depending on what issues I'm having at the time.

 

I don't know if this is something that might help you....?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you are doing so well!

do you feel yourself gaining more courage and more pride in all you have accomplished?

 

oh did I recommend this book to you? libraries usually have it or you can get  a cheap second hand copy from amazon.com

it's called Hardwiring Happiness, excellent book!

 

also a similar one called Bouncing Back, different take on the same basic subject

 

yay to a New Year and new beginnings! I feel like doing spring cleaning,  for some reason, I feel like the new year ushered in a time for getting rid of all the old stuff that is of no use to me and moving forward keeping only what I need

 

and it turns out that the "things" that I want to keep in the new year are not things at all- they are the strengths and insights that I've learned, as well as the skills that I continue to try to build on, all the things that have happened because of my decision to reclaim power over my life, by getting all of the chemicals out of my life and my body

and meeting life as it is, undrugged.

 

what a ride, what an incredible journey, eh?

 

but it's turning out to be both the hardest and the most worth while thing I've done so far in my life.

I guess nothing worthwhile  is ever going to be just handed to us, we have to do the work to attain it.

:P

 

the lazy part of me says, oh crap! hahaha

the part of me that is enjoying the fruits of my labors, esp with making new friends and having ppl to go places and do things with, that part of me is saying, keep going!! 

there can be more in life available to me, if I just make the choice to put in the time and effort to go for it!!

 

 

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Hopefulstill
On 12/31/2018 at 9:52 PM, Happy2Heal said:

bless you for saying that, Hopefulstill!!  

I try hard, at least ;)

 

how are you doing?

 

 

Hi H2H,   You are welcome and deserve it and thanks for asking how I am!

 

 I was on 50 mg. Paxil and have reduced to 37 mg liquid Paxil.  It's been 2 years reducing to that point. 

 

I don't have the side effects that others talked about, but I do notice much more anxiety than usual.  I get irritated and angry a lot more.  I don't brush things off as much and speak my mind more.  I am trying to control that. 

 

I also notice I am thinking of past hurts quite a bit and feeling the anger.  Maybe it was blocked out before.

 

I will stay at 37 for awhile longer.  By the way,  I am 69 and have been on Paxil for 24 years. 

 

Keep that good attitude!!

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JackieDecides
On 1/1/2019 at 7:28 AM, Happy2Heal said:

about the "shoulds"- you gotta decide what it is you really want to do. Why do you feel you "should" go to church, for example? what is it that compels you to go?

if the answer is that you feel better afterward or that something happens when you are there, that is helpful to you or helps you to meet YOUR own personal goals, then well....

it's not really a should, it's more of a want, right?

 

I really want to be....so hard to know how to put it, less socially isolated I guess. in fact, I think I NEED to be less socially isolated. yes, it is a need.

 

but in the moment? I don't always want to be around people. especially people that all seem to be happy and healthy and have time and money (many in my church seem to be retired) - they do a lot of good works. And there is 60 minutes of freeway driving, round trip, that makes it less likely I'll go. sometimes I think I should just pick a local church and go there. maybe not mention that although I was raised Christian, it didn't really stick? I don't know. 

 

but I hear what you are saying about the re-framing - maybe I could go because it is what the person I want to be would do. 

 

my new job is going OK so far but it is stressful as there are a lot of unknowns. and I have a bit of a problem with uncertainty! 

 

both the books you mentioned sound good and I will look for them at my library. 

 

On 1/1/2019 at 7:28 AM, Happy2Heal said:

my decision to reclaim power over my life, by getting all of the chemicals out of my life and my body

and meeting life as it is, undrugged.

 

amen, I believe and hope this will be true for me as well - writing my success story. onward into 2019! 

 

and thank you again for all your thoughtful posts.😍

Edited by JackieDecides
better words

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Happy2Heal
12 hours ago, Hopefulstill said:

 

Hi H2H,   You are welcome and deserve it and thanks for asking how I am!

 

 I was on 50 mg. Paxil and have reduced to 37 mg liquid Paxil.  It's been 2 years reducing to that point. 

 

I don't have the side effects that others talked about, but I do notice much more anxiety than usual.  I get irritated and angry a lot more.  I don't brush things off as much and speak my mind more.  I am trying to control that. 

 

I also notice I am thinking of past hurts quite a bit and feeling the anger.  Maybe it was blocked out before.

 

I will stay at 37 for awhile longer.  By the way,  I am 69 and have been on Paxil for 24 years. 

 

Keep that good attitude!!

 

 

wow I so admire your patience, going slow in your taper! I sure wish I'd had the sense to do that but I guess us "young'uns" are wild and foolish, hahahaha 

24 years on paxil, that's a long time.

 

It's interesting that a lot of ppl going thru wd/recovery mention the irritation and anger- I had that but it was really bad and intense because I had tapered far too quickly. I had rage, really, that came out of no where and scared the daylights out of me!

that is actually what prompted me to do a search that led me to finding this forum and finding out that I was in withdrawal. I had no idea what was wrong with me!
I'd been told for decades that I was "mentally ill" and the diagnosis kept changing, and for all I knew, I 'd "come down with" some new illness! 

that seems absurd to me now, but at the time I was really scared. Well, plus the withdrawal induced anxiety didn't help either. 

 

It's interesting that you say you "speak your mind more" but that you're "trying to control that"..... as long as you're being respectful when you speak your mind, I would think that is a healthy thing to do.....? I have always been fairly passive and not one to rock the boat, so I think I immediately see myself in what you wrote and wonder: what is wrong with speaking one's mind? so it's not a judgement or anything like that.

 

if you don't mind me asking, why were you given paxil in the first place? for anxiety or depression or both?

 

 

 

 

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Rosetta

Happy New Year!!  So glad you are doing well.  I'll be there with you someday!  Right now, today, I'm ok. I'm closing in on 23 months post rapid taper in a couple of weeks!!!  Wow.  I can't believe what I've been through nor that it's been a year since I joined SA.  You have done a lot for me by posting your journey through healing.  It's given me much needed hope.  Thanks!  Best of luck with your daughter. -Rosetta

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Hopefulstill
On 1/3/2019 at 8:43 AM, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

wow I so admire your patience, going slow in your taper! I sure wish I'd had the sense to do that but I guess us "young'uns" are wild and foolish, hahahaha 

24 years on paxil, that's a long time.

 

It's interesting that a lot of ppl going thru wd/recovery mention the irritation and anger- I had that but it was really bad and intense because I had tapered far too quickly. I had rage, really, that came out of no where and scared the daylights out of me!

that is actually what prompted me to do a search that led me to finding this forum and finding out that I was in withdrawal. I had no idea what was wrong with me!
I'd been told for decades that I was "mentally ill" and the diagnosis kept changing, and for all I knew, I 'd "come down with" some new illness! 

that seems absurd to me now, but at the time I was really scared. Well, plus the withdrawal induced anxiety didn't help either. 

 

It's interesting that you say you "speak your mind more" but that you're "trying to control that"..... as long as you're being respectful when you speak your mind, I would think that is a healthy thing to do.....? I have always been fairly passive and not one to rock the boat, so I think I immediately see myself in what you wrote and wonder: what is wrong with speaking one's mind? so it's not a judgement or anything like that.

 

if you don't mind me asking, why were you given paxil in the first place? for anxiety or depression or both?

 

 

 

 

Hi there Happy2Heal -


You certainly sound intelligent and logical to me.  That's terrible that you were diagnosed mentally ill.  If you hadn't reacted to the awful events, you would NOT have been normal!!

 

Well, to answer your question, I had several traumatic events happen to me all at once so I became depressed.

 

I went to see a psychologist.  It helped a lot to get his support and have someone to talk to.  He phoned a psychiatrist and said he had a case that looked like major depression. 

She started me on Prozac which lifted my spirits a lot, but made me anxious.  She changed it to Paxil 20 mg.  Then another event happened to me that triggered the past hurts and I had a  "break down".  I admitted myself to a mental facility.  I was there for 1 week.  They determined I was Bi-Polar and I was put on Lithium, 3 times a day along with the Paxil.  I stayed on that for 8 years.

 

One day I decided to try to reduce the Lithium and stopped it on my own, somewhat carefully with no problems.  I was afraid to stop the Paxil.

Then, years later, I thought well maybe I can get off the Paxil too now.  My doctor said I could be off it in 2 weeks following his instructions.   I went into a terrible depression and felt totally hopeless.  I went back on the Paxil, but it did not work at all.

 

I saw a different psychiatrist.  We tried 8 different a/d's.  None worked.  Finally, he gave me Wellbutrin, with Xanex (because I was very anxious with the Wellbutrin).  It

worked and I came out of the depression.  Little by little I got off the Wellbutrin and Xanex and back on the Paxil at 40 mg. and it was effective.  I eventually had to up it to 50 mg. when I had started having some depression come back.

 

I got to thinking, while I probably did need an antidepressant during those hard times, I should have been taken off it after a year or so, gradually.  But I wasn't.  They said sometimes you just need to be on them for life.

 

Hope that wasn't too long to read.

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Happy2Heal

hi Hopefulstill,

I'll reply soon, and no it wasn't too long, no worries!!
 

 

just putting this here to get back to later:

 

things I'm working on: Consequences-  and how to balance being smart about things without being scared out of my mind that I'll make the wrong decision and end up with something like acute WD- because I made wrong decisions along the way about withdrawing and being on the drugs in the first place

 

also, I think it may be more accurate to say that I'm 95% healed vs 99% HOWEVER the waves I'm having a mild, super mild, but I'm fairly sure now they are waves and not normal daily ups and downs

This makes more sense, to have about 5% left to heal, considering the relatively fast taper and possibly the length of time on psych meds- don't really know how much of a factor that is, though

 

 

this is just some journal notes for me to get back to later on, this seems like the best place to put this stuff ;)

 

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Happy2Heal

Note to any new members visiting this thread looking for hope for the future- I am about to do a bit of whining in this post, please understand that overall my current life off of ADs is GREAT and this in no way detracts from that. my life is fairly "normal" and no normal life is 100% perfect! hence a bit of whining- well not really whining I guess, just a discussion of things that I'm not happy about is all ;)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to add to the list of things I'm working on:

I'm trying to process all the changes in my life.

wondering, do these things really need to be "processed" or perhaps what I really mean to say is, learning to accept all the changes that have happened......?

 

so much is different from just a few years ago and thinking about it makes my head spin! most of the changes are great, but some of them are a tad disappointing and upsetting, to be honest.

I lost a lot of weight, yay me! but along the way I also gained wrinkles I never had and I am now looking older and older. It bothers me. I  guess I was very spoiled- I didn't look my age for most of my life, I've always been told I look at least 10-15 yrs younger, on average.

Now I still look a bit younger than some others my age, but I surely do not look young. and I am discovering that I have some really awful beliefs about aging. See my parents both passed away relatively young, my dad was not quite 67, my mom was just barely 70. My stepfather was also in his late 60s. My oldest brother passed away just around the time I was starting my WD journey, when he was just barely 64.

I am going to be 63 next month. The advancing age and the passing of time in general makes me think my life is nearly over. My brain fast forwards to the end. This kind of thinking accompanies a mild wave, but it also comes sometimes when I overhear someone mention someone who has died or I read about it, or hear it on the news. I know it's a part of life but I guess I never really got comfortable with the whole mortality thing.  Someone around my age just passed away? oh that could be me next. that kind of non productive thinking. 

 

this is the worst time of year for me, the winter, the cold, the snow, the ice- and anniversaries of some traumas long ago.

 

I am getting thru it so far very well, this year.

Much better than last year, even, when things were going well and I felt pretty good most of the time.

I am feeling good for a much higher percentage of the time, I'd say. And I am definitely feeling stronger and more settled into my body.

but I still have moments or even hours of feeling down and some of the old dread creeps in- or I have anxiety about the future, forgetting to stay in the present. :P

 

 

I am finding ways to make myself more comfortable. Like making sure I've got good warm outerwear and warm boots.

Asking for rides sometimes so I dont' have to walk so much in the ice and snow (I don't drive)

Staying in and enjoying my gerbils when it's too icky to go out.

 

 

Today has been a good day. I find I don't like to write about a wave when I am in it, so I wait til it's past. The waves are very short, never more than just a part of one day, and they are very mild. I do think they are waves though. 


I have been able to sleep a lot more lately! I almost feel like I need more sleep, even though I am not all that active lately. I haven't been to the Y in over a week and have been getting a lot of rides to places. so I am not even walking as much as I usually do. But I get tired early and go to bed and fall asleep fast.

I always do wake up several times but I go back to sleep easily.

I have even stayed in bed as late as 8 am!! 

this would not have been possible before, I would be awake at 5 and couldn't stay in bed past 6 most days.

 

There was more on my mind but I want to get some stuff done and this is already too long so bye bye to my journal for now

 

:)

 

 

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Altostrata

Happy2Heal -- thanks so much for following up with members who haven't updated for a while. We always want to know how people are doing.

 

I love giving out those suns when they're on the way to recovery. The more we hear from, the better!

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Happy2Heal
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Happy2Heal -- thanks so much for following up with members who haven't updated for a while. We always want to know how people are doing.

 

I love giving out those suns when they're on the way to recovery. The more we hear from, the better!

you're very welcome

 

as much as you love giving them out, I love seeing them! ❤️ 

 I know how important it is for ppl just starting out to know that things get better. :)

 

 

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Carmie

Nice update happy2heal, 

 

Keep nice and snuggly wuggly in the cold weather. Brrrr.❄️❄️❄️❄️

 

I’ll send you some sunshine from Queensland ☀️☀️☀️😃💚

 

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Miracle123

Hi H2H,

im glad to hear from your good and positive updated. Even though im almost same time as yours.....but mine recovery a bit slowly and understand individual is different.

Hope i will be same as you one day.

Wishing your healing continue to hit 100% and well. Thanks.

 

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JackieDecides
16 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

along the way I also gained wrinkles I never had and I am now looking older and older. It bothers me. I  guess I was very spoiled- I didn't look my age for most of my life, I've always been told I look at least 10-15 yrs younger, on average.

Now I still look a bit younger than some others my age, but I surely do not look young. and I am discovering that I have some really awful beliefs about aging.

 

I am also having some fear, etc, about aging and the end of life. just because this kind of angst is universal (I assume) doesn't make it any more pleasant to confront!

 

I have worked most of my adult life in nursing homes (current/new job is Home Health but a lot of the same patients) so I see how the care people get is often, ahem, less than ideal. 

 

I really love your posts, Happy2Heal! 

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Happy2Heal
12 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I am also having some fear, etc, about aging and the end of life. just because this kind of angst is universal (I assume) doesn't make it any more pleasant to confront!

 

I have worked most of my adult life in nursing homes (current/new job is Home Health but a lot of the same patients) so I see how the care people get is often, ahem, less than ideal. 

I guess it's something we all have to deal with but when I was drugged, I had no concept of passing time. I was stuck, I didn't feel much of anything so there was no reason to grow or to even deal with reality.... reality was "out there" and I was somehow protected from it by this fog in my head. it's hard to explain.   I guess I should feel grateful that I was protected from the anxiety and such all that time but instead I"m wining about having it all sprung on me at once, gah! just can't please me! hahaha!

 

 

oh yes uh huh, ages ago I worked in a nursing home and what I saw was quite disturbing. some are better than others but, yeh.  not ideal.  it's one reason why I work so hard on staying healthy- I never want to end up in one of those places if I can avoid it!

 

12 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I really love your posts, Happy2Heal!

oh thank you, that's good to hear

 

I mostly feel like I ramble too much and repeat myself....lol

 

oh, I noticed today I have a bunch of white hairs!! I am happy about that, believe it or not, because my mom had what I thought was really pretty "salt and pepper" hair (before she lost it all to chemo :( ) and I was hoping my hair would be similar as I got older.

My dad went gray by the time he was in his late 50s I think... but my mom didn't get any gray (really more white or silver) til she was well into her 60s

 

 

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