Sunflower414: medicated at age 7, now 27

[Toast]

I am so happy to read your most recent update. I hope things continue to go ok and you continue to regain strength. Don’t feel bad for holding a dose, I held for over a year during my taper. Slow is best. Sending my best wishes 

[Sunflower414]

After a 7 month hold, I was feeling pretty good. I lowered 1.5% three days ago from 13.4mg to 13.2mg. My emotions and mental stability seems the same (I can't believe it!) thank God. But I am feeling very dizzy, headache, and like I can't focus. How long should I expect this to last? I'm going to hold here for at least 4-5 weeks before deciding if I should continue with the 1.5% or try a slightly larger reduction. 

Hope everyone is hanging in there. Xoxo I can't believe I improved enough that I felt that tapering was a good idea again. I was SO hesitant to hold my dosage, but I listened to the admins, and they were right. I did improve. 

[Oaktree1]

Hi Sunflower414,

 

I am so glad to hear of your improvement and your patience in holding and following the advice and congrats on your resilience in doing so.  After a cut it is normal to  experience some symptoms, but it looks like you are already following the advice which is to hold some more until they resolve.

 

Good on you.

 

Oaktree1

[Aveju]

I’m so glad that the long hold helped you and encouraged you!

I think holding approx 4 weeks is good.  I am just so happy that you are doing better!!!!

[getofflex]

On 11/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Sunflower414 said:

After a 7 month hold, I was feeling pretty good.

I'm very happy to hear this.  Your patience has paid off.  

 

On 11/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Sunflower414 said:

But I am feeling very dizzy, headache, and like I can't focus. How long should I expect this to last?

If I had to venture a guess, I'd say a few days to a week or two.  However, I can't predict.  It could go on longer, if your nervous system is extra sensitive.  

 

On 11/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Sunflower414 said:

I'm going to hold here for at least 4-5 weeks before deciding if I should continue with the 1.5% or try a slightly larger reduction. 

That sounds like a good plan.  I would suggest you listen to your body, and not go by a calendar.  If you have to hold longer than 5 weeks, do it.  Wait until you have 2 weeks of stability before doing another reduction.  You don't want to throw your nervous system into chaos again.  There were times I needed 6 to 8 weeks between my Lexapro reductions.  

[Sunflower414]

Thank you everyone for your support, kindness, and support regarding my last post! I really appreciate it. 
 

The withdrawal symptoms lasted about 4 days, then slowly got better. I have a bit of a headache here and there but ultimately it didn't last TOO long. Phew. 

I am hoping the rest of my taper is this way? However, I am doing such a small reduction, I'm not sure if it will get worse as I get lower. I know some people say that -- But, I don't think I could handle what I experienced previously again. 

I'm very thankful that I am doing "okay". Okay is better than I was, so hallelujah! Thanks everyone for your help and support. Xoxo

[getofflex]

9 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

The withdrawal symptoms lasted about 4 days, then slowly got better. I have a bit of a headache here and there but ultimately it didn't last TOO long. Phew. 

This is really good!  

 

9 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

I am hoping the rest of my taper is this way? However, I am doing such a small reduction, I'm not sure if it will get worse as I get lower

I believe that if you taper very carefully, and wait until you are stable for a couple of week before each reduction, your taper will be much, much easier than when you first came in here.  If I remember correctly, I believe you were in pretty bad shape and bedridden.  When I did a long hold (6 months) like you did, my tapering and WD got much easier after that.  I took a very long time to get off the last little bit of Lexapro, but I'm glad I did.  If you taper as we suggest, making each reduction smaller and smaller, then I think it will not get worse as you get lower.  I really think the worst is behind you sunflower.  You are doing a great job!  

 

Can you please put your recent taper info in your signature?  Thanks. 

[Sunflower414]

Hi friends,

 

I hope you are hanging in there and holding on to hope. I wanted to jump on this site to share my "success". This is in no way my success story, however, I always had the belief that I would suffer horribly and be bed bound until I was completely off of the medication (and thinking this could take years and years made me feel hopeless), and that is NOT the case.

 

So this is not my success story, but a story of successes.

 

If you've followed my thread at all, you know I have had a very rough go of it. I was medicated as a young child, on benzos, SSRIs, have been ripped on and put on many medications for many years. Did a CT of Pristiq after 4 months of use at the same time as a 25% drop of Paxil. My life took a very big turn for the worst. I won't type it all again, but essentially, I was extremely hopeless and bed bound for over two years.

 

After reluctantly doing a very long hold, I finally started feeling some relief at some parts of the day. Since then, I have dropped 1.5% when it felt like I could. I don't rush it. I don't think about how slow I'm going. I simply just do it when I feel like I can handle some discomfort again. While I wish more than anything I could just stop these medications and give all my prescribers a big middle finger-- I've learned that doing it this way has allowed me to have some quality of life. For over two years I would rate my quality of life a 0-1 on a scale of 10. Now I hover around a 5-8 depending on my tapers and life circumstances. 

 

On my worst days (which was most days) I tried to distract myself by watching YouTube videos about Disney World and planning a trip I wanted to go on once I was off medication. I'm not off the medication and have a few years more to taper, but booked the trip for this year. 

 

 

Other things I have been able to do since the long hold:

- I wasn't working for 2 years. I recently interviewed for a 100% remote position from home and got the job

- I now go to the gym 1-4 times a week --  I couldn't even walk down the stairs for at least a year, now I'm walking on the treadmill!

- I see my friends sometimes. I've gone to a halloween party, a few birthday parties, and even went to the movie theatre. I don't push myself too hard, but if I just have "normal anxiety" over the event, I push through

- I get dressed up sometimes. I wore PJs for two years. Now I enjoy getting ready for events (sometimes) 

 

 

I am in no way 100% healed, but if you told me one year ago I'd be doing these things, I wouldn't have believed you. I was convinced my life was over and was going to be nothing but suffering. I do have bad days, or even weeks, but it's nothing compared to what I experienced.

 

I'm hoping and praying that the worst of it is over and that the slow taper will allow me to continue living my life. The fear and PTSD of what I've experienced is very strong, and I'm doing my best to not let that fear keep be back from living a decent, or even a good life, while tapering.

 

If you are reading this, please believe me. It does get better. You don't have to be completely off the meds to heal. You can and will get better. Hold on. Xoxo I'll post more updates as my taper journey continues.

 

 

 

[Erell]

Sunflower, Wow, what a message, it's going to be hard to find enough words to thank you: thank you for taking the time to share all this!
I am so happy to read you. 
I'm sorry for everything you've been through, but I'm delighted and admiring to see where you are today: your determination and patience have paid off.
Socializing, getting a job and booking a trip… that is huge! 

Huge hugs to the Sunflower that held on through this storm despite chaos, and huge hugs to the Sunflower of today who is acknowledging her strenght and getting very deserved rest ❤️

Edited January 4, 2023 by Erell

[Sunflower414]

Are there any stories of people actually getting better as their dosage goes down? Or do most people get worse as they get lower?

[Sunflower414]

Not sure what happened as most of my last post somehow didn't post!

Are there any stories of people actually getting better as their dosage goes down? Or do most people get worse as they get lower? 

 

I am in a bit of a wave. I am not sure if something triggered It, but I am having the following symptoms:

Leg twitching

Moments of terror/doom

Intrusive thoughts

Extreme fatigue

 

Fatigue is still a big one for me. I am very tired all the time no matter how much I sleep. When these symptoms arise, I go into a bit of a tailspin with my thoughts. "How will I ever get off" "How did this happen" "What if this is just me" "How can I keep suffering" etc. and I know that makes my symptoms worse. I made an appt with my therapist for Monday, and I am hoping she has some ideas for how I can deal with these thoughts and symptoms when they arise. I think my biggest worry is that it will just get worse the lower I get. So, I'm hoping to hear if anyone had a different experience. 

 

I hope everyone is holding on and coping well. Xoxo

[Erell]

Helloc @Sunflower414, 
I'm sorry to hear that it's a bit difficult at the moment. ❤️ 
I think there's a variety of stories and each experience is unique: some people feel better when they go down, others have more difficulty when the doses are low.
I can't be sure what's happening to you, but maybe it's just a wave that would have happened no matter what you did.
I mean, even if you were feeling better after your long hold, it's possible it was a window and that your nervous system is still recovering from all the changes of the last few years and is still in a windows and waves pattern.

I read the testimony of a person who did not touch his dose for 2 years, with a lot of windows and waves, before resuming drops.
After a two-year break, he was able to resume the drops without too much difficulty, even at low doses.
I don't know, every story is so unique, but maybe an option after a lot of changes is to hold for a very long time so that the nervous system can really find some kind of stability. I have no certainties and I ask myself the same questions as you. What do you think?
Sending you my support ☀️

[getofflex]

Sunflower I'm deeply inspired by your post on Jan. 4.  I'm so happy that you are doing much better now.  I applaud your patience, perseverance, and bravery.   

 

On 1/19/2023 at 5:20 PM, Sunflower414 said:

Are there any stories of people actually getting better as their dosage goes down? Or do most people get worse as they get lower?

I got better as my dosage went down.  However, before I found this site, I was tapering too fast, then reinstating, so I think my nervous system was destabilized. Once I slowed my taper way way down, it gave my nervous system a chance to heal as I was doin the slow taper.  I believe that if you taper slowly enough, you will not get worse as you go lower.  That said, most people will have waves.  The crazy thing is, when we are in a wave, it is very compelling, and we tend to feel that we will always be this way, we not recover, etc.  It puts us into a certain state of mind, and it feels permanent.  Please read this quote: 

 

On 2/7/2022 at 3:06 PM, Scrountz said:

1. Say to yourself: "I am experiencing a symptom."

Its important when symptoms arise to name them what they are. When in a wave it is easy to lose perspective and believe that what we are experiencing is a sign that we are going crazy, mentally ill, that our brains are broken, or that we are dying. Symptoms are not characterological defects, nor are they signs of a deeper problem. Symptoms are time limited experiences that will gradually resolve. When you name what you are experience as a symptom, you are reinforcing what is real.

 

2. Remind yourself: "I would not be feeling this way if it was not for the medication."

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms are compelling and have a tendency to pull us in to a unique physiological reality characterized by interminable suffering. Neuro-emotions, ruminating thoughts, and unrelenting physical ailments feel so real it is sometimes hard to believe that we are experiencing is drug induced. Falling into this pit can send us into a spiral of googling symptoms, experimenting with remedies and endlessly theorizing about our condition. Reminding ourselves that it is the medication (or for withdrawal, its absence) that is causing this experience grounds us in the appropriate context for recovery. When we remind ourselves it is the medication, we open the door to taking the right action to promote recovery. 

 

 

It is from this thread: 

 

Steps for Managing WD Symptoms

[Sunflower414]

Thanks for your kind words @getofflex of course after I posted that, I went back into a wave. I'm praying they will be shorter and I can heal as I taper like you did. How did you you taper? I see your taper in your signature, but at higher doses, how did you do it? How are you doing now that you are off? I hope you are well. Xoxo

 

Another question- for those of you tapering who still may have a few years to go (I am almost 30 years old), how do you deal with feeling scared that you will never be able to have children because of the medications? 

[Sunflower414]

I was thinking I was doing so much better. I am trying to just remind myself this is a wave, but phew. I finally felt comfortable saying I was doing so much better then of course this happens.

 

My biggest downfall when I hit a wave is that I begin to panic and the looping thoughts that "this is forever, I can't survive this over and over, how can I keep tapering, what will I do..." etc. Take over and make it even worse. Does anyone have tips or tricks for this? 

 

I want to taper slow as long as I can still live a decent life while tapering. Is this possible?

[Sunflower414]

Small update --

I started my job. Went on my trip. I have been tracking my days. I am normally around a 7/10. After my tapers, I can dip down to a 4. Overall --- doing well. Slow & steady.

 

Sending love to everyone. Xoxo

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Small update --

I started my job. Went on my trip.

 

Sounds like a big update, congratulations!

[Sunflower414]

Thanks @littlebird — how are you doing? ❤️

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

Thanks @littlebird — how are you doing? ❤️

 

Doing all right, thank you! We had sun today, which always helps my mood. How you doing?

[Sunflower414]

@littlebird sunshine always helps ☀️ doing much better than I was so staying positive!!!! 

[Sunflower414]

Doing a little check in today.

 

Still going strong with okay days. I rate every day on a scale from 1-10, and most days I'm around a 7. Some have reached 8s. Praise the Lord!

I am working full time now remotely and it is going okay. I never thought I would work again. I also have attended a few events (weddings and parties) and have actually enjoyed myself again. I am still eating a strict diet, mostly meat based. Some "keto" friendly things. This diet helps me and I'm thankful for that.

 

My biggest hurdle right now is the fact that my sister, my only sibling, is convinced that I am lying about withdrawal. She is a PA and said that she has spoken to many doctors who say I must be lying because withdrawal lasts only 2 weeks. She is also telling my mom (my biggest supporter and the one who believes most in me) that I have brainwashed her into believing random people on the internet and I am doing it for attention and such. While I don't care much about what she thinks, it is hard to be going through what is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through in life, and having people think I am lying. Does anyone have articles or videos to watch on this?

 

Otherwise, I am doing so much better than I was. I am trying to stay as positive as possible that I will be medication free one day.

 

Sending love and prayers to everyone Xoxo

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  Way to go girl. You are doing so well.   Congrats with all the things you are being able to do again...🌞 Can you share your diet with me. 

[Believer]

@Sunflower414

Medicating Normal has a documentary (the trailer is free), well worth the cost if you want to share with with others.
 

Glad to read that you are feeling better!

[Sunflower414]

@Greatful I started with eating only meat and eggs for a year. Now I have incorporated berries onions and cheese as well. So, animal based keto. Look up things on carnivore / keto diet for mental health.  Hope you are well ❤️

[Toast]

@Sunflower414 congrats on your progress! I have also dealt with people being skeptical or not believing me but I truly believe 10 years from now (hopefully sooner) it will be common knowledge the horrors that antidepressants cause. In the same way that it took a while for the overprescribing of opioids to be understood as bad (because of the financial interests of those supplying opioids) it is taking a while for the mainstream to accept the harms ADs do. But the harms are significant enough and real enough, and the fraction of the population affected is large enough, that I don’t believe this can last forever. In the meantime we have to do our best to spread the word and to not allow ourselves to be gaslit. The best thing withdrawal taught me was to care less about what other people think.

 

Best,

Toast

[Sunflower414]

Day 2 of my last drop to 12.4mg

 

My symptoms include:

- head feeling like it’s being squeezed 

- eyes feel like they are popping out 

- overall very very fatigued 

- anxiety 

 

I hope it doesn’t last more than a few days. Fingers crossed. (This is still nowhere near what I have experienced in the past so that’s good). 

[Aveju]

That's great that it is mild compared to the past, and I'm in agreement with you for it not lasting more than a few days!

You are doing this and getting through it! 😃

[Sunflower414]

Thank you so much @Aveju❤️ how are you doing?

[Aveju]

@Sunflower414 You are very welcome!  Look at how far you have come since you started your taper!

This is no easy feat, especially for those of us who have been on these meds from childhood.  When we are in the waves, it's so hard to remember how brave we truly are to be doing this.

 

I have hit a rough patch.  I have a nasty head cold and have been depressed with lots of crying and bouts of anxiety with heart palpitations for about 5 days.  I'm blaming it on hormones and withdrawal. 

I also now know that I made a mistake with my taper.  I only did 2 weeks at 5% (I do 5% every 4-6 weeks), and then did another 5% cut.  I'm already a week into the 2nd 5% cut and have decided to ride it out.  Praying that it doesn't get any worse than it already is.  Not sleeping much either.  Have to keep telling myself that I'll be okay and be out of this wave at some point.

[Sunflower414]

Does anyone have success stories they could share about Paxil long term use, OR people who felt better as they tapered? 

[Sunflower414]

On day 8 of this reduction. Still struggling pretty bad. Most physical symptoms have improved, but my emotional/mental state is still not good. I am struggling with 

Hopelessness

Fear of the future and continuing the taper

Realizing how long it has been that I have suffered and that I likely have years longer

Intrusive thoughts (I have to die, etc).

 

Does anyone have tips for these symptoms? Sending love to you all. 

[Sunflower414]

Are there success stories of anyone who tapered (paxil if possible) 5% or lower the whole way down and finally made it off the medications? 

[Sunflower414]

Update. Feeling a lot better from the drop. Still not great, but better. I am struggling with intrusive thoughts/anxiety/depression. Unsure if it is from withdrawal or just getting so overwhelmed and upset about this whole thing. Struggling with thoughts of "what is the point of this" "what is the point of my life" etc. Feeling disappointed I am not able to taper faster or do bigger drops.

 

 

BUT I have improved a lot in the past few years and don't want to forget the things I have been able to accomplish (which for about 2 years, I NEVER thought I'd be able to do again)

 

- Working a full time job again (remotely)

- I have been seeing friends at least once a week or so 

- Working out and going to workout classes again

- Feeling some joy when with friends, with my niece, etc.

- Went to a theatre performance again

- Went to the movie theatre 

[Sunflower414]

Day 4 of my last cut. Now on 12.1mg 

 

Mostly dealing with extreme depression and fatigue. 
 

I’m trying to decide if I want to hold after this or do 1-2 more tiny cuts. I am getting married in august so I would love to feel decent for that. 
 

hoping these symptoms lift soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Xoxo 

 

 

 

[Sunflower414]

I’m slightly freaking out. I just realized I took my medication twice today. Has this ever happened to anyone? 

[Sunflower414]

On 4/23/2023 at 10:49 PM, Aveju said:

@Sunflower414 You are very welcome!  Look at how far you have come since you started your taper!

This is no easy feat, especially for those of us who have been on these meds from childhood.  When we are in the waves, it's so hard to remember how brave we truly are to be doing this.

 

I have hit a rough patch.  I have a nasty head cold and have been depressed with lots of crying and bouts of anxiety with heart palpitations for about 5 days.  I'm blaming it on hormones and withdrawal. 

I also now know that I made a mistake with my taper.  I only did 2 weeks at 5% (I do 5% every 4-6 weeks), and then did another 5% cut.  I'm already a week into the 2nd 5% cut and have decided to ride it out.  Praying that it doesn't get any worse than it already is.  Not sleeping much either.  Have to keep telling myself that I'll be okay and be out of this wave at some point.

 

 

@Aveju how are you doing now? 🤍