j1290: gets off the Wellbutrin and on with life!

[j1290]

18 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Hopefully we can roar into Monday full strength!

haha thanks for the unexpected mirth!  I hope your cave is cozy and warm, Littlebird!

[Thorin]

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

3/10 Irritable big time and a head spike, and anxious all day.  I have stresses for valid reasons, this WD kicks it up a notch or 3. 

Sorry mate. When I have a day like that (which I have) I find that going to bed is a relief because WD is so unpredictable I may well wake up feeling completely different tomorrow! The anxiety is a kicker though isn’t it. Makes everything harder.

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

 What I suspect now is that I became used to the side effects and no longer noticed how much they affected me, to a smaller or larger degree. 

This was my experience. I habituated to the side effects and didn’t notice them. Until I focussed on them and didn’t want them anymore. Then they seemed to ramp right up….. or my tolerance went down.

 

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

Grrr I'm a bear I'm going back in my cave 🐻

Haha can relate so well. Have slunk off to my bedroom to escape the world. Stupid world making my life difficult. I’ll try again tomorrow.

[j1290]

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

The anxiety is a kicker though isn’t it. Makes everything harder.

Compared to having a migraine + anxiety/aggro, it's a walk in the park, so I have to acknowledge the improvement today.  That said, I feel argumentative and disagreeable, some justified but I believe a good portion of being unsettled is side effects of the AD itself because of the weird brain pressure etc.  Just magnifies everything.  

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

This was my experience. I habituated to the side effects and didn’t notice them. Until I focussed on them and didn’t want them anymore. Then they seemed to ramp right up….. or my tolerance went down.

You said it beautifully.  Once I started seeing them as something other than positive, I became really aware.  

9 hours ago, Thorin said:

Haha can relate so well. Have slunk off to my bedroom to escape the world. Stupid world making my life difficult. I’ll try again tomorrow.

This cracked me up.  It's my first day of work today and I'm trying to find a way to be relaxed.  

[littlebird]

16 hours ago, j1290 said:

I hope your cave is cozy and warm, Littlebird!

Warm and cozy to the max! Working from cave today, just watched my dog make a cozy bed of a blanket in a patch of sun. Everyone is comfy today! 

 

Had not so much of a roaring into Monday as a grumpy bear waking up from hibernation grumbling slowly into Monday. Meeting myself where I’m at and just doing whatever I can to keep a little momentum going. Had a dope idea that’s going to turn into a cute little project, so Monday is Mondaying and setting up the rest of the week!

 

If anyone has any spare focus and determined willpower, I’d take it! 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

12 hours ago, Thorin said:

Haha can relate so well. Have slunk off to my bedroom to escape the world. Stupid world making my life difficult. I’ll try again tomorrow.

This cracked me up.  It's my first day of work today and I'm trying to find a way to be relaxed.

Ha, cracked me up too! I appreciate y’all. First day of work as in your got secret interview job?

[j1290]

DAY28  3/10 slight headache and pressure, brain activity, irritability, but managed to not act out on it.  It's been about 2 weeks since I had to use any migraine pills, and last month I certainly had to lots of days, more often than not.  I guess the next cut will determine if that was a fluke or a trend.  

I'm at WD Normal as best I can tell, and it's a 3/10 but on the light  side of 3, maybe a 2.5?  It's improving.  I did great at work, I have some situations that the less I dwell on them the better off I'll be.   This would have sent me into an anxiety spiral at another time.  It still bugs me, but it's about 3 instead of an 8/10.  Something like this would have kept me up all night at another time.   

 

I'm glad I waited a few extra days to do a cut, would have been a different vibe on the first day.  Have a returning coworker tomorrow, and on Wed. it's my first real day of work.  Probably best to wait till Thursday, but we'll see.  

 

Oh yeah, had therapy tonight and the EMDR I always mention.  Brought up some icky stuff I don't want to look at, but it's very valuable.  I've done more comfortable things for sure, but nothing that I've found more effective for dealing with trauma.  

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

just watched my dog make a cozy bed of a blanket in a patch of sun. Everyone is comfy today! 

Sounds comfymaxx for sure!  

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

roaring into Monday as a grumpy bear waking up from hibernation grumbling slowly into Monday.

I can relate.  

 

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

If anyone has any spare focus and determined willpower, I’d take it! 

As Dolly Parton once said, pour yourself a cup of ambition?  

 

9 hours ago, littlebird said:

First day of work as in your got secret interview job?

Thanks for asking.  Nah, secret interview job wouldn't start for another 6 months or so, it's a long process.   Today  was  returning to a consulting gig I've had for ages that's gone pear shaped.   The secret interview job is looking more and more inviting every day!! LOL 

[Thorin]

12 minutes ago, j1290 said:

This would have sent me into an anxiety spiral at another time.  It still bugs me, but it's about 3 instead of an 8/10.  Something like this would have kept me up all night at another time. 

That’s great. Showing real progress

13 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Oh yeah, had therapy tonight and the EMDR I always mention.  Brought up some icky stuff I don't want to look at, but it's very valuable.  I've done more comfortable things for sure, but nothing that I've found more effective for dealing with trauma.  

It’s gruelling, painful work but we’re better off for it.

 

[j1290]

DAY 28 X 2 My numbering got messed up, today is day 28.  I think I'm going to cut tomorrow.  To say my work situation is unpredictable right now is an understatement.  I'm rolling with it and not worrying about anything I can't control or isn't today's problem.  I'm out of favor, they'll squeeze the last drop of life out of me before kicking me to the curb, so it's an unsettled feeling but I'm holding up great and not taking it too seriously.  

 

Today is a 3/10, and I'm going to call it WD Normal.  I'm hopeful that going forward I won't need the migraine pills except after a cut.  My headaches have reached a different level, they're uncomfortable but not bad-bad.  I just took half a Sumatriptan to see if that helps at all, but I doubt it.  Right now I'm approximately where I was at taking 450mg XL, which is a kind of floating head with aggression and irritability coming from the constant headache and chemical brain activity.  This isn't where I want to be, but compared to where I was a year ago at this time, it's a huuuuge improvement, and it's getting demonstrably better.   Glad I took a few extra days to get my strength up for the next cut.  

 

For years I've been struggling with irritability and aggression, certainly while I tapered off Effexor it was off the hook.  I never put it together with the pills other than during WD, just like I never knew the headaches were pill related.  I just thought I needed to go to anger management and I was broken somehow.   Actually both those things aren't a bad idea, however there is a significant AD component that I need to address and I am by tapering.   It wasn't till I began all this that I realized how locked up my brain has been, and how much that and the constant headache and brain activation has affected my short fuse.   I don't go around picking arguments, but I due to the above things I can get snappy internally(my trick is to count to 5 before responding if I'm triggered.)  

 

I'm having feelings thinking how this has affected my relationships over the years, and I didn't even realize where it came from.  I thought it was just 'the way I am', not chemical related.  All those side effects .  That FDA mandated black box warning " the risk of serious mental health events including changes in behavior, depressed mood, hostility, and .....when taking these drugs."  is for real, my behavior has certainly been changed.   I knew it wasn't me, but this *really* isn't me, it's at least partially the chems.  

 

Long story short, all aspects of my life are really messy today and I handled it great.  I did take a whole blood pressure pill over the day, which might have taken the edge off.  Whatever.  I'm moving forward, and handling some things in a nuanced way.  Once I get on lower chems I feel confident that I'll be able to handle things better still.   Might do a cut tomorrow, we'll see.  

EDIT:  This is my journal, so I can be long winded if I want LOL  28 days after my last cut, I'm stable at 262mg.  Its been 5 months, I'm certainly not out of the woods yet or anything but I think that it bodes well that I haven't had any return of depression or whatever, at least not yet.  I am so hopeful that I will have less side effects going forward.   For the record the sumatriptan hasn't touched my headache or whatever it is, as expected.  Unfortunately that means I have to go through 3 weeks of WD after making the next cut.  I want to be in better WD Normal shape going forward, so I'm going to do this next cut and get through it like a trooper.   Previously I've looked forward to tapering, and now I'm looking forward to being finished with the next taper, but not the process LOL  I'd like to skip ahead 3 cuts.  Oh well.  Tomorrow just might be the big day!

 

21 hours ago, Thorin said:

It’s gruelling, painful work but we’re better off for it.

Thanks man.  Grueling is a good description.  In this instance, I think it really is about the destination, not the ride, because the ride is not comfy at all.  If I do more than 30 minutes of it during a 50 minute session it really wears me out.   

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

To say my work situation is unpredictable right now is an understatement.  I'm rolling with it and not worrying about anything I can't control or isn't today's problem.

On days like this I just focus on putting the hours in until I make it to the end of the day. Only way to get through sometimes.

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

I'm out of favor, they'll squeeze the last drop of life out of me before kicking me to the curb, so it's an unsettled feeling but I'm holding up great and not taking it too seriously.  

It’s amazing you’re holding up. This would send MANY people into a spiral of anxiety and self recrimination. Remember it’s them, not you (from what you’ve said previously). It would be very unsettling.

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

which is a kind of floating head with aggression and irritability coming from the constant headache and chemical brain activity. 

Sounds absolutely horrible mate. I feel for you!

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Glad I took a few extra days to get my strength up for the next cut. 

Sometimes that makes all the difference!

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

For years I've been struggling with irritability and aggression, certainly while I tapered off Effexor it was off the hook.  I never put it together with the pills other than during WD, just like I never knew the headaches were pill related.  I just thought I needed to go to anger management and I was broken somehow.   Actually both those things aren't a bad idea, however there is a significant AD component that I need to address and I am by tapering.   It wasn't till I began all this that I realized how locked up my brain has been, and how much that and the constant headache and brain activation has affected my short fuse.   I don't go around picking arguments, but I due to the above things I can get snappy internally(my trick is to count to 5 before responding if I'm triggered.)  

This! I was angry and irritable ALL THE TIME and I couldn’t stop no matter how much I hated it. I thought it was just me and that I was broken. I don’t know how my poor partner survived. Last night I saw something that would have previously sent me into a spiral of anger and probably ended up in a huge fight. Instead my reaction was to sigh to myself quietly and move on. I can’t even remember exactly what it was now. I just didn’t really react to it. It’s crazy!

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

m having feelings thinking how this has affected my relationships over the years, and I didn't even realize where it came from.  I thought it was just 'the way I am', not chemical related.  All

I’m sure this contributed to the break up of my kids mother and myself. Not the only factor though.

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Long story short, all aspects of my life are really messy today and I handled it great. 

That’s amazing that you’re handling it well despite being on a lower dose of med. shows what you’re capable of and will hopefully give you the confidence to face life without meds. Clearly you can do it without them 🤷‍♂️
 

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

forward.   For the record the sumatriptan hasn't touched my headache or whatever it is, as expected.  Unfortunately that means I have to go through 3 weeks of WD after making the next cut.  I want to be in better WD Normal shape going forward, so I'm going to do this next cut and get through it like a trooper.   Previously I've looked forward to tapering, and now I'm looking forward to being finished with the next taper, but not the proc

This really sucks but look at where you’ll be at the end of this part of your journey.

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

In this instance, I think it really is about the destination, not the ride, because the ride is not comfy at all.  If I do more than 30 minutes of it during a 50 minute session it really wears me out. 

Absolutely. If I’m honest, I’ve had EMDR sessions that have knocked me about for a couple of weeks afterwards. Completely exhausted the first day or so and functioning after that but just heaps of difficult emotions coming up and needing to be processed. It really takes a lot out of me. That’s why I like hearing stories about how much it has helped people. 

[j1290]

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

On days like this I just focus on putting the hours in until I make it to the end of the day. Only way to get through sometimes.

Good advice.  

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Sounds absolutely horrible mate. I feel for you!

Thanks man.  I know you're going through it too!  I *liked* this crap, I just didn't have a clue.  I'd talk **** to coworkers, friends, whoever, which is not an effective way to build allies and maintain relationships.  Who knew?!? LOL  Like we talked about before, I find myself being the most effective speaker in the office and it's a complete inversion of the relationship I've had with these people for 10 years +.   It's upside down world, but whatev.   I'll stay till if/when my secret job comes through or something else comes along.  I never knew how to talk to people because of the trauma so it completely stunted my career.  I swear this last couple years with getting off the meds and doing the work I always harp about has been the most beneficial thing I've done in ages.  

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Sometimes that makes all the difference!

Truth!  Nice to take a little break at WD Normal to get my sea legs back.  In my mind it's like when you fall off a horse you have to get back on before you get afraid of it, I need to get back to tapering. I'm starting to get reluctant to do it anymore.  

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

This! I was angry and irritable ALL THE TIME and I couldn’t stop no matter how much I hated it. I thought it was just me and that I was broken.

Same.  I can relate to this so much.  I never freaking put it together with the pills, because those don't have side effects, right?   But yeah, I thought I was just 'f***** up'  The End.   I think the only way I'll know what part I actually own in my irritability situation is when I'm off these meds.   I don't know what I'll find at the end of this, but I'll be happy to deal with it med free.  

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Last night I saw something that would have previously sent me into a spiral of anger and probably ended up in a huge fight.

No judgments from me, bro.   I've done it a million times and I'm certainly not proud of it.  I am horrified at the person I was with my ex.  Today was a very challenging day for a lot of very good reasons, and I'm so freaking glad that I didn't lose my temper any more than I did and can identify these meds as part of the source.  We're making progress, man.  Before you know it we'll be out of the woods on these things.  

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

I can’t even remember exactly what it was now. I just didn’t really react to it. It’s crazy!

Man, I hear you.  When I'm chem-irritable, I want to argue with someone about the most stupidest things, like if someone dropped their pen or knocked on the door too loud.  I'm ridiculously sensitive.  Good on you for not taking the bait!

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

I’m sure this contributed to the break up of my kids mother and myself. Not the only factor though.

Same.  I never place blame totally on my ex because it's simply not true, however it's much easier LOL  She and I were both there and made mistakes and did our best.  

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Clearly you can do it without them 🤷‍♂️

Appreciate it, man.  My conclusion at this time is they're not the solution for me.  I think if I were ramped up to 450mg my chem anxiety would be through the roof.   I knew nobody on earth should feel that anxious, just had no clue the meds were part of it.  I'm still on a high dose, so I think the best is yet to come.  I'm super excited to see what that feels like.  

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

This really sucks but look at where you’ll be at the end of this part of your journey.

You said it, I'm keeping my eye on the prize.  It's not about 3 weeks of WD, it's about feeling better when I get there.  If I can do it, getting down to 190mg from 450mg ought to be noticeably improved.  Maybe I'll have to reinstate but I think I'll be alright and I have to try.  

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

If I’m honest, I’ve had EMDR sessions that have knocked me about for a couple of weeks afterwards. Completely exhausted the first day or so and functioning after that but just heaps of difficult emotions coming up and needing to be processed. It really takes a lot out of me. That’s why I like hearing stories about how much it has helped people. 

I hear this so much.  That first 6 months or so was very similar for me too.   I'd leave exhausted from sobbing and shivering, and then erupt into tears at inconvenient times for the rest of the week, and add some nightmares that I'd wake up screaming on top of it all so there was no peace whatsoever.   That's not exactly a great sales pitch for the process LOL  And one memory leads to ten more.  That said, brother, it does end.  At least it did for me.  Kinda crept up on me, but I don't have any more stories to tell that will leave me a wreck.   The latest stuff is super uncomfortable and irritating, probably part of the reason I'm irritable this week, but not one tear has been shed in a very long time, despite opening all those doors that I'd fought to keep shut my whole life.   I'm not frozen like on the meds, I had a situation come up that called for a lot of emotion, and even that was easier because I was less stuck in it.  

 

I think at the end of this thing, there's every chance that I might come out the other side something approaching a normie.  Maybe one that has some rough edges and isn't going to be Carey Grant or something, but less awkward around other people would suit me just fine. 

 

Funny, but I never even dreamed in my life that there would be an end to taking these drugs, and an end to needing to go to therapy.  Just might happen!

[littlebird]

16 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm out of favor, they'll squeeze the last drop of life out of me before kicking me to the curb, so it's an unsettled feeling but I'm holding up great and not taking it too seriously.

UGH, that flipping stinks. I’m so glad you’re looking for other places. Does that make it easier to have work-life balance? I found that when I felt that way in a job, it was easier for me to set boundaries around, “No, forget that, I’m off the clock right now.” Still, the feelings that come along with it are hard to handle. Hoping Secret Job comes through fast!

 

13 hours ago, j1290 said:

15 hours ago, Thorin said:

This! I was angry and irritable ALL THE TIME and I couldn’t stop no matter how much I hated it. I thought it was just me and that I was broken.

Same.  I can relate to this so much.  I never freaking put it together with the pills, because those don't have side effects, right?   But yeah, I thought I was just 'f***** up'  The End.   I think the only way I'll know what part I actually own in my irritability situation is when I'm off these meds.   I don't know what I'll find at the end of this, but I'll be happy to deal with it med free.

Wow, y’all have made me think about a lot here. I never considered that these could be making that stuff worse, I thought it was just me… or the after-effects of developmental trauma. I thought, “I’m taking these for Bad Brain, they’re helping with that,” and never considered that they could be making things worse. For decades of my life. 

 

I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to see what I’m like without the effects of meds. Am I even as anxious as I think I am, or is it side effects? So weird that I don’t know what’s me, what’s a trauma response, and what’s a side effect, but maybe one day I’ll have a better idea.

 

Thank you for all the support and food for thought, y’all! It’s so nice to finally have people who get the med journey to talk to about this.

[j1290]

25 minutes ago, littlebird said:

“No, forget that, I’m off the clock right now.” Still, the feelings that come along with it are hard to handle. Hoping Secret Job comes through fast!

LOL good point!  Maybe it is easier.  So far I've picked my battles carefully.  My coach drummed it into me a million times that 'it's not time to panic yet' and on a good day it sticks.  I've been upset, but maybe a 3/10 upset vs the 7 or 8/10 rager I would have been on even a year ago.  It's the cumulative effect of the EMDR and coaching and reducing the pills.   I'm an overnight success, many years in the making !!  😆 I've literally never had work life balance, I can't even imagine what that's like.  I'm looking forward to it.  The next chapter to my life is going to be much more fun than the previous.  

 

31 minutes ago, littlebird said:

and never considered that they could be making things worse. For decades of my life. 

Same.  Been on these wow, 30 years.  Started tapering at 20ish years.  I really only tapered Effexor because if you miss a dose you're on tilt for a week or so.  I never really knew what this stuff was actually doing to me till I started tapering the Bupropion 18 months ago.  I just took a leap of faith that I'd feel better, and I certainly have.  

 

35 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I never considered that these could be making that stuff worse, I thought it was just me

Isn't that funny?   Me neither!  I bought into the story that I was broken and this patched me up and I literally thought there were no side effects other than the involuntary twitches I get now and then.  

 

37 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to see what I’m like without the effects of meds. Am I even as anxious as I think I am, or is it side effects? So weird that I don’t know what’s me, what’s a trauma response, and what’s a side effect, but maybe one day I’ll have a better idea.

I'm 100% with you there.  It's a disconcerting feeling that at my age I don't even know who I am.  I couldn't have said it better, I don't know what is trauma response and anxiety, and what is med related.   

 

I'll meet you on the other side of this hill, Littlebird.  One day soon we'll be there!

[littlebird]

36 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I've literally never had work life balance, I can't even imagine what that's like.  I'm looking forward to it.  The next chapter to my life is going to be much more fun than the previous.  

Right there with you!! I always overworked as a trauma response my whole life, a chip off the ole blocks of my parents who overworked as well. Capitalism is a real trip, I still feel guilty when I need to rest. 

 

Had a (psychedelic induced) epiphany years ago that I didn’t come to this earth to martyr myself to help others and serve all the time, that we all came to this earth to enjoy our lives and the magical earth we find ourselves on.

 

I’m still integrating that idea, but it made me slow down and enjoy life on earth more. Literally stopping to smell the flowers, pausing to enjoy the hummingbirds that come to the feeder, just being.

 

To enjoying life! May we all find enjoyment every day.

 

On that note, maybe if at work you’re already out of favor as you said, maybe lean into it without giving a flying ****. Slack off, do less, respond whenever, be ungovernable! Use up all your sick days before you leave too.

 

Think of every coworker you’ve had who slacked and kept their jobs, this has helped me lean into not being a go machine all the time in other jobs. I encourage quiet quitting!

 

BUT I really like this job I have now, so ending my lunch now and jumping back into my work day! Time to make my pet project even cuter. Crossing my fingers you find yourself in a place you like that treats you well sooooon!

[j1290]

DAY 29  3/10 headache/brain cramps/dizziness etc.  I am stressed to the max today, this would be a 8 or 9/10 usually.  Right now I'm experiencing about 2-6/10, it comes in waves, but today I was as close to having a panic attack as I've had in a long time.   I surprised myself I was so cool with my coworkers and relaxed with them(no clonidine or anything, decided I need to be very careful with that) but I was in some ways spinning internally.  I held it together the best I probably ever have though.   

 

I'm not feeling hot.  Didn't sleep well, AD symptoms, and the working early morning are exacerbating them I think.  I haven't felt like this in a minute.  Best guess is without the meds my anxiety would be 1/2 what it is.  Definitely something to discuss with the therapist, this is an outsized reaction to a job situation.  Going to schedule time with my executive coach as well to see what he says about things and get an outside opinion.  

Overall, I'm kicking ass in the office interpersonal-relations department.  When I made missteps I adjusted, and kept a low tone and was welcoming and in control and level headed when it counted.  I was mentally psyching myself up to be mad about something and when I engaged the person I was calm and collegial and friendly.  Super happy with my performance the last few days being calm and owning my space despite chaos in the ol' noggin.   

 

I couldn't have done this even a year ago.  Things are working well for me.  In my mind, this is defo a family of origin issue that's connected to my work.  When I get a high energy reaction like this it's grist for the EMDR mill!  Perfect.  I also had some imaginary scenarios for difficult conversations, just like I practiced at the last job, and I feel confident I can handle those here.  I will rise to the occasion, if and when that happens. 

 

Just remembered what my brain was spinning over.  Some one had to show me how to do something, they gave me some notes that didn't make sense.  I was freaking out about that internally, then I started looking at the example work, and the more I studied it the more it made sense and was actually not such a huge deal afterall.  So when that person asked me if I had questions, I had it pretty much figured out, so I'm glad I took my time before engaging them with questions that I could answer myself.   

 

I'm keeping my same med times to the minute.  I think something about lack of sleep or changing my sleep hours is doing something that causes me to suffer.  I used to do night work before and would be ragged after a few months, and I think it's related.  

 

Overall?  Yay, me!

@littlebird

14 hours ago, littlebird said:

I always overworked as a trauma response my whole life, a chip off the ole blocks of my parents who overworked as well.

What I realize now is I chose a chaotic, dysfunctional, unfulfilling work environment where I needed to 'save' the company like I never could my parents.  Or my ex.  etc etc.  I've outgrown it now.  I don't think I ever liked it, but it was familar, like home.  

 

14 hours ago, littlebird said:

maybe lean into it without giving a flying ****. Slack off, do less, respond whenever, be ungovernable!

This is the opposite of what I've done my entire life.  That said, I don't think anyone has appreciated when I've given too much of myself.  I pitched in and did extra time today because it was the first day and everyone else did, but I didn't try to be an overachiever.   I haven't introduced my **** off hat to the office yet.  I thought it might be too much the first week.   LOL

 

14 hours ago, littlebird said:

Think of every coworker you’ve had who slacked and kept their jobs, this has helped me lean into not being a go machine all the time in other jobs. I encourage quiet quitting!

When we had a staffing change, the guy who was ousted quiet quit years and years ago.  Nobody will outdo that guy.  It's amazing how far people can go on popularity.  

 

14 hours ago, littlebird said:

To enjoying life! May we all find enjoyment every day.

You said it.  I'm going to have fun, and not take my job so seriously.  It's just a game, afterall.   That's definitely something I never realized till recently.   

[Stardust]

Your job sounds high pressure and incredibly stressful.  I have no doubt this keeps your CNS on edge while it's already highly sensitized from withdrawal.  I have to admit I'm in awe at how well you're functioning and handling tough situations!

[littlebird]

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

What I realize now is I chose a chaotic, dysfunctional, unfulfilling work environment where I needed to 'save' the company like I never could my parents.

Way to blow my mind on this Thursday morning! You just explained a lot. Flashing back to work environments I chose because they felt like home (RED FLAG for a place or a person if they feel like my home of origin, I now know this) and stayed way too long despite sometimes literal abuse. Wow, thank you for this perspective. Going to have a big think on this one!

 

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

This is the opposite of what I've done my entire life.  That said, I don't think anyone has appreciated when I've given too much of myself.

Honestly, me too!! Easier said than done, and even now my “slacking off” looks like “I actually took a lunch today” or “I did a task without feeling the need to also multitask while doing it.” 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, Stardust said:

Your job sounds high pressure and incredibly stressful.  I have no doubt this keeps your CNS on edge while it's already highly sensitized from withdrawal.  I have to admit I'm in awe at how well you're functioning and handling tough situations!

Agreed, you’re a superhero @j1290!!!

[j1290]

4 hours ago, Stardust said:

Your job sounds high pressure and incredibly stressful.  I have no doubt this keeps your CNS on edge while it's already highly sensitized from withdrawal.  I have to admit I'm in awe at how well you're functioning and handling tough situations!

I appreciate your support, @Stardust.  It's all I know so I don't see the forrest through the trees.  This is an AD peer support site so I won't dwell on details that aren't relevant here, but it's a profession that draws people with an artistic temperment, with all the plusses and minuses of that scene 🤣🤣🤣   I sure appreciate you typing this, I think you're spot on.  My CNS is sensitized to begin with, and working 3rd shift with the lack of sleep and stress and pressure is pushing me to my stress limits.  That said, thank you very much, I kept a calm demeanor in a stressful situation where others lost their cool.  It's not the crazy on the inside that counts at work, it's how I present myself 😆   It's amazing how far you can get just talking slowly in a low tone of voice in a relaxed way.  Easier said than done, though.  I couldn't have done that even a year ago.  

 

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Way to blow my mind on this Thursday morning! You just explained a lot.

LMAOooooooo!!!!  Happy to do that for you @littlebird  !   I went through a change in relationship status a few years ago, which prompted much therapy and I started realizing my patterns.  Quite unconsciously I married someone who I could never fix like my mom, sought out and relived my childhood chaos at work, and projected my dad onto every authority figure I ever met.  Textbook for someone who grew up  in the situation I did.  Who knew?!?  LOL  But yeah, it rocked my world when it was first pointed out because I just didn't have a clue.  

 

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

and stayed way too long despite sometimes literal abuse.

This.  I've been at this job 15-20 years despite lack of success.  I never even realized it till just now but I've been trying to fix this work 'family' too, make them love me LOL that's never gonna happen!!!!  It sure explains why I stayed at a dead end job though.  

 

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

Honestly, me too!! Easier said than done, and even now my “slacking off” looks like “I actually took a lunch today”

haha isn't taking a lunch nice?!?  I actually took lunch breaks on my last job, and it was incredible!

 

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Agreed, you’re a superhero @j1290!!!

Thank you!  To poorly quote Dickens, I'm becoming the hero of my life.   Day to day it gets more comfortable, and really can be fun.  I took everything as 10/10 serious life and death because of my upbringing, and really work is just a game.  I forget all the time though.  You just made me remind myself!! 

[Thorin]

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

3/10 headache/brain cramps/dizziness etc.  I am stressed to the max today, this would be a 8 or 9/10 usually.  Right now I'm experiencing about 2-6/10, it comes in waves, but today I was as close to having a panic attack as I've had in a long time.   I surprised myself I was so cool with my coworkers and relaxed with them(no clonidine or anything, decided I need to be very careful with that) but I was in some ways spinning internally.  I held it together the best I probably ever have though.   

Mate this is massive. Sounds like you’re handling this very well and that your resilience is increasing exponentially. Imagine how much you’ll be even better when you’ve reduced your dose significantly. You’re smashing it my friend. It’s an honour to see it happening.

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

Just remembered what my brain was spinning over.  Some one had to show me how to do something, they gave me some notes that didn't make sense.  I was freaking out about that internally, then I started looking at the example work, and the more I studied it the more it made sense and was actually not such a huge deal afterall.  So when that person asked me if I had questions, I had it pretty much figured out, so I'm glad I took my time before engaging them with questions that I could answer myself.   

I can relate to this so well. Someone hands me a new project (these are BIG projects, state infrastructure stuff) and I panic. Every time. And then I start to make my way through it and I end up understanding and doing a pretty good job. I continually surprise myself by being competent. Maybe one day it’ll sink in for both of us that we’re intelligent and capable!

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm keeping my same med times to the minute.  I think something about lack of sleep or changing my sleep hours is doing something that causes me to suffer.  I used to do night work before and would be ragged after a few months, and I think it's related.  

Sounds like a good plan. When I’m struggling I make sure I don’t change anything until everything’s settled down. Stops everything spiralling into a mess.

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

Overall, I'm kicking ass in the office interpersonal-relations department.  When I made missteps I adjusted, and kept a low tone and was welcoming and in control and level headed when it counted.  I was mentally psyching myself up to be mad about something and when I engaged the person I was calm and collegial and friendly.  Super happy with my performance the last few days being calm and owning my space despite chaos in the ol' noggin.

Ah the old noggin, forever causing issues. You’re doing well mate

 

[littlebird]

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

This.  I've been at this job 15-20 years despite lack of success.

Especially in today’s job climate, staying somewhere this long IS a huge success.

 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

Thank you!  To poorly quote Dickens, I'm becoming the hero of my life.   Day to day it gets more comfortable, and really can be fun. 

This made me get happy tears in my eyes, very beautiful and so happy to hear it!

 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I took everything as 10/10 serious life and death because of my upbringing, and really work is just a game.  I forget all the time though.  You just made me remind myself!! 

You reminded me all over again, thank you! I was starting to stress. I’m totally going to borrow that idea of thinking of work as a game. I don’t have a to-do daunting list, I have some levels to smash and obstacles to pew-pew-pew outta my way!

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

I continually surprise myself by being competent. Maybe one day it’ll sink in

If either of y’all can figure out how to make it sink in, please teach me your ways.

 

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

Mate this is massive. Sounds like you’re handling this very well and that your resilience is increasing exponentially. Imagine how much you’ll be even better when you’ve reduced your dose significantly. You’re smashing it my friend. It’s an honour to see it happening.

The kindness and support I see on here make me so happy, and it’s legit restoring some faith in humanity for me. Thank you for taking care of each other and cheering each other on in this wild world!

 

[j1290]

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Mate this is massive. Sounds like you’re handling this very well and that your resilience is increasing exponentially. Imagine how much you’ll be even better when you’ve reduced your dose significantly. You’re smashing it my friend. It’s an honour to see it happening.

Thank you, my friend down under!  I'm glad to have you aboard this journey we're both on.   I read a few of your posts here and there earlier, they sounded like things my therapist would say, which is a good thing for sure.   I'm getting closer to where I want to be.  What else can I ask for? 

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

I can relate to this so well. Someone hands me a new project (these are BIG projects, state infrastructure stuff) and I panic. Every time. And then I start to make my way through it and I end up understanding and doing a pretty good job. I continually surprise myself by being competent. Maybe one day it’ll sink in for both of us that we’re intelligent and capable!

haha this sounds exactly like me!   My initial response is to feel overwhelmed and think they'll surely see I'm a fraud LOL  I had a test for the secret job today I knew I was never going to pass, and I am pretty certain I got a qualifying score.   

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Stops everything spiralling into a mess.

I'm frustrated to sit out of the game another week, but turns out it was the right move.  I'm back in on Saturday though, so look out! 

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Ah the old noggin, forever causing issues. You’re doing well mate

The drama I've created in my own mind this last week is ridiculous.  The lower I get on these meds...well...it'll be different, but at least I won't feel AD hangover.   

 

22 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Especially in today’s job climate, staying somewhere this long IS a huge success.

In a spectacularly unstable area I've had steady employment.   I certainly look at it with a very different pair of glasses these days.  

 

23 minutes ago, littlebird said:

to-do daunting list, I have some levels to smash and obstacles to pew-pew-pew outta my way!

haha you made that sound much cooler than I did, Littlebird!  I should tattoo that on my arm to remind myself but it's true, all this job stuff is just a game.  Only rarely have I seen someone fired for incompetence, but I've seen people who were unpopular get shown the door.  Life is so much more closer to high school than I'd like to think.   

 

28 minutes ago, littlebird said:

If either of y’all can figure out how to make it sink in, please teach me your ways.

Long story short, I think self improvement is a game of inches.  A lot of small gains in different areas all add up.  I'm eternally impatient, but when I look at myself 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, I can see the improvement.   

 

41 minutes ago, littlebird said:

The kindness and support I see on here make me so happy, and it’s legit restoring some faith in humanity for me.

Me too.  Everyone I've interacted with on this site has been an enormous help.  Makes this whole AD taper thing more of an adventure with friends rather than a slog.  

[j1290]

DAY 30 3/10 head stuff, headache-y, feel hungover.   

Secret job I'm up for needed me to take a test, and I put it off till today.  Didn't even occur to me I could study for the thing LOL  but luckily I downloaded a book and got in a few hours of study before I took it.  I'm sure I didn't get 100, but I got close enough.  I'm grateful for the anxiety.  My coach says it's when you're doing something good and challenging for yourself that the demons all come out, and that when you want to watch TV and isolate they bring you nachos and tell you it's safer to stay on the couch.   I think he has a point.   

My work day was relatively easy and brief, I'm off on Fri-Sat and I think I might even have a 3 day weekend, or just a little bit of work on Sunday.  

Cut #5 is going down in the record books as a success, and I think this next drop will put me over the hump of a lot of this head stuff.  I feel like I'm making some good decisions.  Holding for the extra week was the right move.   

[Thorin]

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm sure I didn't get 100, but I got close enough.  I'm grateful for the anxiety. 

That’s awesome mate. And it’s good you’re using your anxiety as a tool!

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

My coach says it's when you're doing something good and challenging for yourself that the demons all come out, and that when you want to watch TV and isolate they bring you nachos and tell you it's safer to stay on the couch.

Makes sense. I guess the more something tests us the more we grow

 

[j1290]

DAY 31  Soft 3/10 head lockup/irritable.  No signs of rebound after 5 months. I'm impatient to not worry about side effects anymore, annoyed with the process.  Tomorrow is taper day, scheduling so my worst days are on the weekend.  I got some rest today, finally, and feel much better.  Tomorrow I'm dropping a whole pill from 260 to 190, so I'll be really on the lookout for symptoms that mean I need to reinstate, but I think I'm still comfortably in the safe zone.  I was able to do large cuts on Effexor at high doses like this, looking at the research I shouldn't have any unusual WD symptoms if life were fair.   Only one way to find out.  

 

Again, glad to have this extra week to collect myself.  Glad I had all my wits about me for the first week of work and a test for my secret job.  I passed so I'm going to go meet them on the other side of the country in a few months.  This actually works out pretty great.  I'd like to do 2 cuts before the interview, but instead of cramming a second one in, I think it's better I just do an extra couple week hold like I've been threatening to do, so that's 6 months of cuts followed by a long hold.   I'm going to strategize with my coach on how to present this to my boss for the time off.  Looks like I'll have to do that 3 days into a drop but I think in this case an email over the weekend will get me far enough there.  

 

I think @Stardust was completely right, this sleep schedule change to 3rd shift rattles my whole CNS, which is doing something to upset the balance of the meds.  Previously I would be a wreck at the end of 3 or 4 months of nights, and now that I'm looking for it I realize meds had a role.  

 

EDIT:  Anybody a member of any facebook AD tapering groups?  I heard there were some, and decided to try a few.  Would love to hear a recommendation if anybody has one.   

 

EDIT:  Been exercising, kinda tired, just relaxing.  Normally this means I'll have a bunch of involuntary twitches.   Not having them today for whatever reason.   I don't even know what to think it's so weird.  I had some small ones but not the big leg twitches or whatever.  Not declaring victory over that symptom yet or anything but it's on my radar.  Really nice, actually.   

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

better.  Tomorrow I'm dropping a whole pill from 260 to 190, so I'll be really on the lookout for symptoms that mean I need to reinstate,

I was able to make 25% and greater cuts in the beginning every two weeks (40-30; 30-20). But when I got to 20 I started tapering by 2mg each 3-4 weeks and that messed me up. I think if I had’ve held at 20 for longer and then tapered by 10% from there I probably would’ve been all good. I’d also tried to taper over a month period three times in a row (Drs orders 🙄) so I think I experienced a bit of a cumulative effect). Obviously a different med and a different person though so your experience may be different. I’ve read that Wellbutrin is one of the easier meds to come off. Having said that I’m seeing a number of people that aren’t finding it easy at all so I’ll take that with a grain of salt…….

sounds like you’re smashing this interview process. Just gotta push through at your current position until you get the new one then you can flick them the bird. That’d probably be satisfying……

[j1290]

16 minutes ago, Thorin said:

so I think I experienced a bit of a cumulative effect)

All this totally makes sense.  My experience and what I saw in studies was that there is a tipping point, somewhere around the minimum theraputic dose, that the graph goes parabolic for the something something transport, and that once you hit that, the 10% reduction matches it almost perfectly somehow.   Made sense when I saw it.   My theory based on reading stories is that tipping point is 175 at the highest, and 50 at the lowest, for bupropion.  There's just not a lot of studies about it since all the experts say it's so fracking easy to get off of LOL   I might get lucky and not have to taper 10% from 50mg down, but I doubt it.   

 

24 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Wellbutrin is one of the easier meds to come off. Having said that I’m seeing a number of people that aren’t finding it easy at all so I’ll take that with a grain of salt

Compared to that nightmare fuel Effexor, it's a cakewalk, but I'm not loving it.  I think it's probably really easy to stop, if you haven't been on it 20 years.   We'll see how it goes.  It's been a week since I was in WD now so I've forgotten how it feels and I'm about ready to do my next drop 😂

 

28 minutes ago, Thorin said:

sounds like you’re smashing this interview process.

Thanks man, all the work is coming together.  Looking forward to better mental clarity at 190mg.  I started this thing saying I hoped I'd feel better by 150mg, and now I'm actually going to be in that ballpark!  I had no idea if I could actually make it this far.   I just have to embrace the next 14 days of suck in order to get to better times.   

 

32 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Just gotta push through at your current position until you get the new one then you can flick them the bird. That’d probably be satisfying……

I ever tell you what my coach said?  In conversations, we have the option to be effective or satisfied.   I used to always go for satisfied, which meant short term victory(about 5 seconds LOL) but long term loss.  I would have made a helluva lot more money if I'd known how to be effective.  I think I'm the most average client my executive coach has, but I doubled my income once I learned how to be effective when talking to people at work.  It takes effort to be professional, but I'm sure glad I learned how.  Granted I work with artistic people, but I'm the lowest man on the totem pole and have more professionalism than all but the top of the heap.  It kinda freaks me out because that's the guy I always wanted to be and had absolutely no clue how to go about it until about 6 years or so ago.   

I'm rambling and pensive tonight.  Think it's the AD and the sleep deprivation LOL  

[Thorin]

10 minutes ago, j1290 said:

All this totally makes sense.  My experience and what I saw in studies was that there is a tipping point, somewhere around the minimum theraputic dose, that the graph goes parabolic for the something something transport, and that once you hit that, the 10% reduction matches it almost perfectly somehow.   Made sense when I saw it. 

Ok this fits with my experience as I was able to make large drops until I hit 20mg, which is the lowest therapeutic dose for this med. so if that was the tipping point, and I was doing increasingly larger % drops (dropping 2mg each time) I was doing exactly the wrong thing and that’s why I got in trouble. Hopefully a parabolic taper of the remaining 14mg is relatively tolerable. Gotta admit my nerves are ramping up about it lol

14 minutes ago, j1290 said:

LOL   I might get lucky and not have to taper 10% from 50mg down, but I doubt it.   

Maybe. There’s so many unknowns here. We are literal living experiments

15 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Thanks man, all the work is coming together.  Looking forward to better mental clarity at 190mg.  I started this thing saying I hoped I'd feel better by 150mg, and now I'm actually going to be in that ballpark!  I had no idea if I could actually make it this far.   I just have to embrace the next 14 days of suck in order to get to better times.   

I’m glad it’s all coming together. It’s good to see in its own right, but it also gives the rest of us hope when someone’s succeeding. I’ve found recently I’ve been able to get a bit of perspective. For ages I would read peoples stories and freak out. Now I can read them and say ‘hang on, that’s not my experience’. I think that quells the anxiety and panic a bit and will make the remainder of the taper easier. I sense that you do the same thing.

17 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I ever tell you what my coach said?  In conversations, we have the option to be effective or satisfied.   I used to always go for satisfied, which meant short term victory(about 5 seconds LOL) but long term loss. 

Can relate. Since tapering I do enough to get by (which is still a hell of a lot). But I want to be effective and excel. I think this comes later after we’ve tapered sufficiently.

19 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Granted I work with artistic people,

Haha right, I’ve been curious about what you do. I’m going to guess architect or planner or something in design…… hmmmmm it’s a mystery 😉

20 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm rambling and pensive tonight.  Think it's the AD and the sleep deprivation LOL  

Nothing wrong with rambling and pensive. That’s just the human condition at times. No judgement here at all.

[j1290]

10 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Hopefully a parabolic taper of the remaining 14mg is relatively tolerable. Gotta admit my nerves are ramping up about it lol

I did something like 50 cuts of the venlafaxine, commonly listed as one of the worst drugs to get off of, and I'm no tough guy. If I can do it, so can you.  I didn't document it but as I recall at the end each cut was about equal in side effects, provided I gave myself enough time to recuperate.  Which I think is another way to say if you can do one cut, you can do them all.   I thought they'd ramp up exponentially in the last 10 or so but really I don't think they did.  

17 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Maybe. There’s so many unknowns here. We are literal living experiments

At the end of the day, I think nobody knows anything beyond broad generalizations.  I think I'm resigned to it now but I don't know how else to see it as experimenting on myself LOL

 

20 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Now I can read them and say ‘hang on, that’s not my experience’. I think that quells the anxiety and panic a bit and will make the remainder of the taper easier. I sense that you do the same thing.

Doom scrolling?   LOL yeah for sure people come here in crisis.  Sometimes I'll read their posts but inevitably they're convoluted with drug changes and things that I know nothing about.  The mods are very kind to attempt to help them.  I think I avoided this place in the beginning because the stories freaked me out, to be honest.  That's why I try not to be all doom and gloom, although frankly that's where I was in the beginning haha.  

 

23 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I think this comes later after we’ve tapered sufficiently.

I mean, I do my best, right?  And on a good day, I do pretty well.  I think it's *in spite* of the meds, however, because they affect my functioning.   I'm glad I didn't let them prevent me from doing coaching or therapy, despite my diminished capacity.   One day, my man, one day we'll be at zero.   

26 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Haha right, I’ve been curious about what you do. I’m going to guess architect or planner or something in design…… hmmmmm it’s a mystery 😉

I'll tell you privately and it'll all make sense.   It's interesting and boring at the same time LOL

26 minutes ago, Thorin said:

No judgement here at all.

Thanks bro!

[Fifree]

Wow I just read this whole thread from 18 months ago, right up to a few minutes ago. Well done John. I’m new to the site and trying to get off Lexapro. Struggling with the notion that it’s going to take YEARS. thanks for sharing your journey and to everyone who’s commented. It’s really useful. 

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

I did something like 50 cuts of the venlafaxine, commonly listed as one of the worst drugs to get off of, and I'm no tough guy. If I can do it, so can you.  I didn't document it but as I recall at the end each cut was about equal in side effects, provided I gave myself enough time to recuperate.  Which I think is another way to say if you can do one cut, you can do them all.   I thought they'd ramp up exponentially in the last 10 or so but really I don't think they did. 

That’s really good to hear thanks mate. Good to know they didn’t get increasingly worst. I know myself. If this next cut I do is ok a lot of the stress will be taken out of the taper for me. I struggle with the unknown more than anything. Getting better at sitting with the unknown though which is promising.

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Doom scrolling?   LOL yeah for sure people come here in crisis.  Sometimes I'll read their posts but inevitably they're convoluted with drug changes and things that I know nothing about.  The mods are very kind to attempt to help them.  I think I avoided this place in the beginning because the stories freaked me out, to be honest.  That's why I try not to be all doom and gloom, although frankly that's where I was in the beginning haha.  

Haha yeah doomscrolling 😂. That’s the one. I seemed to have stopped doing it as much which is better. Their stories aren’t the same as my story necessarily. You’re right, the mods on here do an incredible job and must have a mountain of patience. Don’t know that I could do it. I see the mods give people recommendations and people don’t listen and make themselves worse. And the mods are still there for them. 
i have periods where I Get the dooms and glooms but I can usually snap myself out of it after a bit. I think it’s understandable that people on here might be down. We’re going through some horrific stuff at times!

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

mean, I do my best, right?  And on a good day, I do pretty well.  I think it's *in spite* of the meds, however, because they affect my functioning.   I'm glad I didn't let them prevent me from doing coaching or therapy, despite my diminished capacity.   One day, my man, one day we'll be at zero.

I’ve seen very clearly that you’re one tough S.O.A.B (I’m Australian, I can say it 😉). This stuff doesn’t seem to have stopped you from doing much.

and yeah, one day we’ll be at zero and get to know our true selves! Seems incredible that that could happen. It’s kinda exciting in a terrifying sort of way 😂

 

[j1290]

7 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I struggle with the unknown more than anything.

You and me both.  

11 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Don’t know that I could do it.

I couldn't.  There are certain patterns that would frustrate me, and mods don't deliver news that people want to hear like there is an easy and quick way to get off these.  I think I was shocked when I first learned I needed to taper as well heh.  

15 minutes ago, Thorin said:

We’re going through some horrific stuff at times!

Truth.  For me, it's so much better than the alternative of staying on meds.  I think they're like putting a magnet next to an old computer monitor.  I think the meds distort aspects of my personality in all sorts of weird ways.   I mean I leave room for the possibility that I'm wrong, but I won't blindly trust.  

 

22 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’ve seen very clearly that you’re one tough S.O.A.B (I’m Australian, I can say it 😉)

haha do you really say S.O.A.B?  We'd say S.O.B., I guess we shorten everything.  I don't feel very tough, and I'd much prefer to have a posh situation that allows me to rest LOL  But, what is life without struggle?  

24 minutes ago, Thorin said:

one day we’ll be at zero and get to know our true selves! Seems incredible that that could happen. It’s kinda exciting in a terrifying sort of way 😂

You said it better than me.  I'm intrigued and terrified at the same time!   As I understand it, you're not far from getting there.  Time will tell!

[Thorin]

11 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Truth.  For me, it's so much better than the alternative of staying on meds.  I think they're like putting a magnet next to an old computer monitor.  I think the meds distort aspects of my personality in all sorts of weird ways.   I mean I leave room for the possibility that I'm wrong, but I won't blindly trust. 

Man what an excellent description. This fits for me too. As the effects of the meds reduce with the taper I’m seeing what I think is the real me (this also comes with trauma therapy right?). It seems like the meds were really impacting parts of my personality and not in a good way.

 

13 minutes ago, j1290 said:

haha do you really say S.O.A.B?  We'd say S.O.B., I guess we shorten everything.  I don't feel very tough, and I'd much prefer to have a posh situation that allows me to rest LOL  But, what is life without struggle?  

Haha no we’d say SOAB but write it SOB. I’m not always sure people from other countries get what we say so I modified it. I’ll just type in ‘Strayan next time and you can let me know if you don’t get it (eg do you know what I mean when I say someone’s ‘cracked the shits?’)

and man I’m all for the posh life if it’s available. I love pampering myself and those I love. But currently it’s this instead of a posh life so tough it is!

16 minutes ago, j1290 said:

You said it better than me.  I'm intrigued and terrified at the same time!   As I understand it, you're not far from getting there.  Time will tell!

I actually really feel like I’m close and getting closer all the time even though I’ve been holding at this dose. As my CNS heals from my too fast taper I’m seeing more and more ‘me’. Such a bizarre experience.

[j1290]

21 minutes ago, Thorin said:

As the effects of the meds reduce with the taper I’m seeing what I think is the real me (this also comes with trauma therapy right?).

Actually, it was put to me by my coach that trauma causes people to react in weird ways(classic example someone yells about socks being on the floor because their parents chewed them out for it).  My therapist said when you defuse that trauma, now you're on an even keel and don't flip the F out over some dumb socks 🤣🤣  I really look forward to being someone who is calm and stable.  Even just having a little bit less crazy is really nice, although I find myself kind of missing the familiar anxiety haha.  

26 minutes ago, Thorin said:

It seems like the meds were really impacting parts of my personality and not in a good way.

Did you even know it?  I hadn't a clue.  Not. One. Clue.  The label on the pills talks about how they can cause anxiety, and I was on the highest dose that's legal in the USA.  Putting on my detective hat, I think it's safe to say the meds affected my panic/anxiety attacks to a greater or lesser degree.   I don't care if I'm the biggest jerk off these meds(I don't think I will be tho).   At least I'll be off the meds and able to work on myself without this monkey on my back.  That's worth every sacrifice to me.   

31 minutes ago, Thorin said:

we’d say SOAB but write it SOB. I’m not always sure people from other countries get what we say so I modified it.

haha fair enough!  My aussie friend called me something the other day but I suspect it's not fit to print in polite company 🤣 

39 minutes ago, Thorin said:

‘cracked the shits?’)

No idea.  I..I can't even venture a guess.  Men At Work...Vegemite....that's all I know 😌

41 minutes ago, Thorin said:

But currently it’s this instead of a posh life so tough it is!

I think we rise to the occasion!

42 minutes ago, Thorin said:

As my CNS heals from my too fast taper I’m seeing more and more ‘me’. Such a bizarre experience.

I've noticed that in myself as well recently.  It's just so indescribably weird.  I've actually had moments of feeling happy recently, despite some personal situations.   I think it's cliche to say oh, I'm a new man.  But in our case?  It's kinda true!  Just, what a funny thing.  

[Thorin]

10 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Actually, it was put to me by my coach that trauma causes people to react in weird ways(classic example someone yells about socks being on the floor because their parents chewed them out for it).  My therapist said when you defuse that trauma, now you're on an even keel and don't flip the F out over some dumb socks 🤣🤣  I really look forward to being someone who is calm and stable.  Even just having a little bit less crazy is really nice, although I find myself kind of missing the familiar anxiety haha.  

I’m seeing myself get calmer and more stable in some ways. But the process itself is very uncomfortable. Even things that are healthy can cause me anxiety because they’re new or when I was a child they were dangerous. For example, being vulnerable and honest with people instead of hiding everything freaks me the hell out! But I’m doing it. The vulnerability and authenticity give me serious anxiety but it’s healthier to be like that, and the fact that I can actually do it is a massive step forward for me.

13 minutes ago, j1290 said:

haha fair enough!  My aussie friend called me something the other day but I suspect it's not fit to print in polite company 🤣 

Now I’m really curious 😂

14 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Did you even know it?  I hadn't a clue.  Not. One. Clue.  The label on the pills talks about how they can cause anxiety, and I was on the highest dose that's legal in the USA.  Putting on my detective hat, I think it's safe to say the meds affected my panic/anxiety attacks to a greater or lesser degree.   I don't care if I'm the biggest jerk off these meds(I don't think I will be tho).   At least I'll be off the meds and able to work on myself without this monkey on my back.  That's worth every sacrifice to me.   

Nope, think we touched on this the other day. Just thought I was broken. Turns out I’m not a bad person, it was just the meds making me angry all the time.

15 minutes ago, j1290 said:

No idea.  I..I can't even venture a guess.  Men At Work...Vegemite....that's all I know 😌

Haha love it. It’s like i’m speaking a different language 😂

 

16 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I've noticed that in myself as well recently.  It's just so indescribably weird.  I've actually had moments of feeling happy recently, despite some personal situations.   I think it's cliche to say oh, I'm a new man.  But in our case?  It's kinda true!  Just, what a funny thing.  

Just yesterday I took myself out for a burger and I just felt happy and normal for a couple of hours. First time I’ve felt like that in a long time. It felt so good but it was a little more difficult when the anxiety etc decided to kick back in. Because all of a sudden I remembered how it felt to feel good! I’m assuming it’s a sign that I’m on the right path though and that it will happen more and more.

[j1290]

13 hours ago, Thorin said:

I’m seeing myself get calmer and more stable in some ways. But the process itself is very uncomfortable. Even things that are healthy can cause me anxiety because they’re new or when I was a child they were dangerous. For example, being vulnerable and honest with people instead of hiding everything freaks me the hell out! But I’m doing it. The vulnerability and authenticity give me serious anxiety but it’s healthier to be like that, and the fact that I can actually do it is a massive step forward for me.

Yeah, that's it.  Any kind of emotion provoking situation is 'new' in some degree because I'm less blunted.  Now that you mention it, since I'm still tapering, this is an ongoing process, so there's more of this to go.  It's an adventure!  

I just had a conversation that was potentially emotional and personal in nature, and because I'm on less pills it was mildly uncomfortable rather than anxiety provoking.  My head is spinning at the thought of these pills being the source of my high anxiety.  I'll leave it at that.  

 

I hear you, man.  Those conversations, because of childhood trauma, would leave me a trembling, unsettled, nervous wreck.  In fact I've felt that way a bit after work this week.  It's communicating with people in a new, effective way triggers me LOL  I think it means we're on target, and will get easier.   

 

14 hours ago, Thorin said:

Now I’m really curious 😂

A drongos dangly something or other I think 😅

14 hours ago, Thorin said:

I just felt happy and normal for a couple of hours. First time I’ve felt like that in a long time.

Unbelievable!  Congratulations!!!   That's super freaking cool, man!  Really happy for you.  I think that's a big deal.  

I think a year or so ago I had a good day or two and my therapist told me they'd start coming more often.  I thought that was nice of him to say but it was unlikely to happen.  I think he's right, though, I've been having more and more good moments, and that's enough.   

 

There might even be a future where all this med and trauma stuff is behind us.  I dare to dream!

[Thorin]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Yeah, that's it.  Any kind of emotion provoking situation is 'new' in some degree because I'm less blunted.  Now that you mention it, since I'm still tapering, this is an ongoing process, so there's more of this to go.  It's an adventure!  

This is getting more and more real for me. It’s very intense. I’m letting out 43 years worth of crap that I never dealt with. This is going to take some time and some work. I think the WD makes it even bigger and makes us even more emotional.

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

just had a conversation that was potentially emotional and personal in nature, and because I'm on less pills it was mildly uncomfortable rather than anxiety provoking.  My head is spinning at the thought of these pills being the source of my high anxiety.  I'll leave it at that.

Doing uncomfortable things is a sign of growth. If your anxiety is largely absent then you’re doing amazingly well and will probably be fine in life!

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

 

I hear you, man.  Those conversations, because of childhood trauma, would leave me a trembling, unsettled, nervous wreck.  In fact I've felt that way a bit after work this week.  It's communicating with people in a new, effective way triggers me LOL  I think it means we're on target, and will get easier.

I’m experiencing a lot of the trembling and being unsettled etc. i put it partly down to releasing pent up stress and emotion that I’ve been carrying a long time. I think it will improve with time and therapy.

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

drongos dangly something or other I think 😅

Drongos danglys? 😂 hilarious and slightly concerning 😂

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Unbelievable!  Congratulations!!!   That's super freaking cool, man!  Really happy for you.  I think that's a big deal.  

I think a year or so ago I had a good day or two and my therapist told me they'd start coming more often.  I thought that was nice of him to say but it was unlikely to happen.  I think he's right, though, I've been having more and more good moments, and that's enough.   

That’s awesome man! I figure if I can have a couple of hours like that once I’ll probably have it again.

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

 

There might even be a future where all this med and trauma stuff is behind us.  I dare to dream!

I dream it will happen….. have to wait and see!